Friday, July 31, 2009
I filled my car up with gas and thought...you know I don't have any hitchhiking stories. I want to have at least one "yeah I picked up a hitchhiker" story...in my mind it was a risk, but a fun and exciting thing to try as well. I mean it's one of those if you survive moments that you can talk about whenever. I figured if I ever found myself in an awkward silence I could just switch it up with, "you know I picked up a hitchhiker once...."
In my mind it seemed like a good idea AND it would be a good deed. No good deed goes unrewarded grandma always says. (I had done a good deed earlier in the day when a Lexus with four chicks in it were trying to take pictures of my license plate but were having troubles....I got to the stop light and told them I'm going to pull up enough for you to get the pic so do it quick while I'm sitting still...they were excited, got the pic and sped off past me....) Look, everyone has their own concept of good deeds--heh heh.
So anyway back to Mr. Hitchhiker....He was an old white man. White hair, tanned, white tube socks that came up mid-calf, shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers...he didn't look scary, just unkempt. I figured I could take him if he tried to do anything stupid...FUCK IT I'M GOING TO DO IT. I put the gas cap on and drive over near where he was and flag him over. I tell him I'll take him to Zuni which is five miles in the direction of where he is going. (I live in Zuni but off the main road and actually already going 2 miles out of my way to do this....) he looks at me and says, "how much would you charge me to get to Waverly? Waverly is 25 miles past Zuni...You see on the stretch of 460 in between fields of peanuts, cotton, corn, and soybeans lies Windsor (where we were), then Zuni, then Ivor, then something else, then Waverly....
I told him I was only going as far as Zuni because I had things to do and if he wanted to be 5 miles closer to Waverly he could take it, otherwise I was peacin' out. He told me that I was the second girl to offer to take him to this Zuni (pronounced Zoo nye) place and that he was going to tell me the same thing he told the other girl....
"I've got some killer weed in my pocket and if you take me to Waverly, I'll blow your mind." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Did he just say killer weed and blow my mind in the same sentence....I told him, that I wasn't interested in pot because I couldn't smoke it anyway, do you want a ride to Zuni or not...
He asked if I'd come back after dinner to take him...yeah...probably not. He said thank you and went back to his thumb up in the air.
This my friends is whats wrong with the world today. Too many people fail to realize that sometimes you have to take a tiny step in the direction you are headed...you aren't guaranteed to just get there. If the hitchhiker had taken the ride the first time someone offered it, he'd be 5 miles close to his destination AND increased his chances of finding someone that would take him the rest of the way...but instead he stood there for hours in the heat waiting for the straight shot.
This applies in the workplace as well. Sometimes you have to accept a job you don't really want, just to pay bills and get your foot in the door and then transition into something "better" when it becomes available...
I dunno...I'm still skeeved out by a dirty old man offering to "blow my mind" whether it was the killer weed he was referring to or not, those are just not words I want muttered out of an old man with no teeth mouth.
I've decided that having a hitchhiker story isn't all that important...I'll just start the conversation that "I offered a ride to a hitchhiker once but he offered me some killer weed instead" story...
Yep stole another one...
A - Age: 28
B - Bed size: King (I'm ghetto, its really two twins pushed together)
C - Chore you hate: Cleaning the litterbox...I hate that my automatic one broke
D - Dog's name: Pepper
E - Essential start your day item: normally a work shirt
F- Favorite Color: Black/Green
G - Gold or Silver: Silver
H - Height: 5'3 and a half
I - Instruments you play(ed): does guitar hero count
J - Job title: On-site Supervisor
K - Kid(s): a step, haha
L - Living arrangements: Me and Gma, Jen and Lil man on the weekends
M - Mom's name: Angela
N - Nicknames: T bags, Tommy Knox, Tommy Guns, Tom Cat, Thomas...etc
O - Overnight hospital stay other than birth: none
P - Pet Peeve: when people say cool beans for starters...but there's a long list I'm sure
Q - Quote from a movie: I'ma come at you like a spider monkey--talledega nights
R - Right or left handed: Right
S - Siblings: one sis, one bro
T - Time you wake up: Supposed to be 545 so i can be on time, normally 6:25
U- Underwear: what about them...I wear them when at work...not at home
V - Vegetable you dislike: turnips, squash, okra
W - Ways you run late: snooze button debacle
X - X-rays you've had: after smashing my thumb in the car door when I was six and after the car wreck in Nov 07...nothing broke though
Y - Yummy food you make: Mac and Cheese--oven baked of course or various baked goodies
Z - Zoo favorite:Hippos when available
Thursday, July 30, 2009
I'm probably going to hell for saying this aloud but, "Do nuns masturbate?"
Like are they allowed? If they can't do you think they do it on the down low? I know that I personally have a very high level of self love...I just feel like everyone should have the option if they choose to and to do it without fear of going to hell.
I'm sorry but if masturbating is going to land me in hell...at least I'll have plenty of my "perv" friends to keep me company....
Can I get a Hell Yeah for some self love.
I leave work yesterday and ran some errands for grandma:
-went to the bank to get cash for her only to be hassled because I don't have an account there...I told the uppity teller to go get so and so (bank pres who is a friend of Gmas) and the situation was soon remedied and I had Gma's cash in hand...
-went to the pharmacy where I picked up grandma's prescription wrote in the amount on the blank check Gma had given me...(that could have been fun, blank checks signed by grandma's always are...but I'm a responsible person so I didn't abuse it this time) lol...
-stopped at the mailbox and grabbed the mail, as well as the two newspapers (the driveway is like a half a mile long so I always just stop on my way so I don't have to go back out....
This is where it gets interesting. I drive down the driveway and pull up under the carport when I shifted the mail/papers in the seat because they were in the way of my gear shifter thing....as I do this THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER FUCKING SEEN LUNGES OUT AT ME....jesus mary and joseph....
I already had my seat belt off from stopping to get the mail. Well lucky for me there is a slight sidewalk that kept my car from rolling into the house because I JUMPED OUT OF A MOVING CAR AND DIDN'T EVEN PUT IT IN PARK....yes that's right, my dumb arachnaphobic ass tried to drive her brand new (only paid three payments) on Hyundai Tiburon with the fabulous Vagyna plates into Gmas brick house. That would have been fun right? NOT. I didn't care, the spider was too close to the gear shift, I couldn't risk it touching me for pete's sake.
So there I am in under the carport doing my skeeved out, get it off of me dance (even though I was sure it was still in the car) when the only thing I could thing is, "If I can't find it and kill it I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not getting back in my car with that thing in there...I'm not above calling my boss and telling her just that. I walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. I shifted a pile of mail checking for the spider which I was hoping was still in the seat. Not there.
I move another pile, throwing it in the flow and BAM...there it is....AAAGHHHHH! I stood there screaming in the drive way freaking out in general and rolling up a news paper trying to smack it all in one swift motion. I hit it once and it laughed at me. I heard it mutter..."bitch is that all you got..." SMACK...I hit it again, this time it humors me and plays dead....before I gave it a chance to spring back up (in good ol scary movie fashion--you know where you think someone is dead, you turn around, and they grab your ankle) I smacked it three or four or fifteen more times to ensure its demise. Still moving...unsure if it was the regular twitch of death or him fighting back I brushed it into a deep mud puddle by the car door.
My hands shaking I shut the door. My adrenaline pumping I walk back to the drivers side, I reach in and put the car in park and turn the ignition to off.....ugh...I shiver thinking about it....
I get in the house and tell of the horrible situation that had just happened only for grandma to start bitching about missing prescriptions. Back to the pharmacy and three hundred dollars later (gma is a breast cancer survivor and has to take this ungodly expensive medication every day for the next few years for it)....a stop at the Chinese restaurant for Gma and Aunt Melissas food and then to the Pizza place for a pizza for me and mandi (I don't eat Chinese)...and finally back home to do homework.
No nap, no relaxing, just freaked out from the spider situation and run down.
On a happy note, the spider that tried to eat me is not poisonous nor was it a real threat...and I'm sorry I killed it looking back--but that's what you get for looking like that, being a spider, and trying to lunge at me....FUCK THAT SHIT.
1.YOUR REAL NAME:
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
4.STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, the first 3 letters of your first name to get your first name and then the first 3 letters of your mother's maiden name, the first three letters of the city in which you were born to get your last name)
5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Elizabeth Ft Bragg
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Green Purple Haze
8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Caramel Praline Crunch Macedamia Nut
10.SKANK NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
11.GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of first name plus 'izzle')
12.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
13. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Divine Hot Tamale
Wednesday, July 29, 2009
I picked her out of the litter. She wasn't the first one I picked up, actually the second and I just knew...she was the one for me. Actually, had there been any doubt in my mind it had subsided after the look she threw me that said..."you aren't possibly considering putting me back in that tiny box with my brothers and sisters....get real lady...put me in your truck and lets go."
Now, she's a year and a half old and such a beautiful girl. She's content doing most anything so long as she's getting the attention she knows she deserves. Her hobbies include: cuddling, eating litter critters, digging, riding, playing, chewing, fetching, and pretty much anything that makes her the center of everyone's attention.
Anyway I was just in the mood to share some pics of the greatest kitty in the world... World...Meet Chino Kitty.
He uses Grandma's walker as his thrown (he's a little out of sorts lately since Gma is still in the wheelchair...but he manages...
I am supposed to be shown how to use AS400...one of the systems they use here in the warehouse (it's how the products/pallets are tracked from the time they start being picked to the time they are shipped)...I'm supposed to have my own login now, but that has been put on hold because the Assistant GM isn't sure that me having a login is a good idea. Nothing against me, just the thought of an On-Site Supervisor that works for a different company having access to one of their systems freaks them out apparently...but regardless I'm going to learn it so that it will help me coach my contractors in the long run...that's the important thing, not whether or not I have a login to go with it.
I've decided that though it would make my paycheck suck complete and total ass, I'd like to have at least a half a day Friday off. I need to figure out a time that I can take Pepper to the vet and get her nails trimmed...(Pepper doesn't like it when I do it--I've never hurt her by doing it, but she just freaks out...I think she just doesn't think her mom should be doing such things to her...) So I take her to the vet where they cut them shorter because they know what they are doing and she remains calm the whole time and they are done in under thirty seconds....that's worth ten bucks to me. Plus I'm out of her flea stuff and I'll need some within a couple of weeks so might as well add that to the list.
I need to clean grandma's windows. I do them once a year, normally around memorial day (though I'm behind schedule this year obviously)...because since we have fields on every side of the house the dust and dirt from the farmers plowing gets out of hand from time to time...she normally pays me 10 bucks a window which translates into about 300 bucks in one day. Not too shabby. I think that I'm going to offer to do it for her half price this time though because even though I could use some of the money towards bills...my main focus right now is just having money to put toward my sisters baby shower gift. (Jen and I are going in together to get something and even though she always tells me not to worry about it, she can handle it...I don't pay rent where I live, and she does...so I'm hell bent on carrying my weight somewhere because by all technicality I have few bills than her...does that make sense?) I want my sister to open our gift and be like "hell yeah...Jen and Tommy are the best.." which she'd do anyway if all we bought was a booger sucker thing...but again, I digress.
There's a lot of stuff coming up in the next few weeks:
This weekend is my dad's surprise going away/birthday party. That will kick off Sunday.
The Sunday after that I have to go to Richmond for my dad's official send off. Since he's being deployed for AN ENTIRE YEAR on his birthday (Aug. 7) he won't be able to leave base that weekend, but the families are invited to a cookout thing to say bye and all that jazz for him to officially leave that Monday....He'll be in Germany for a couple of weeks and then go to Kosovo from there.
The weekend after that is my sister's baby shower. Since none of her friends are reliable and stepped up me, my aunt melissa, and my mom are all trying to put it together for her...though my portion consists of staying out of the freaking way primarily, lol.
Then finally....the next weekend will consist of some R and R down in Hatteras with Jen and Lil man...(and whoever else in the family that might be down there already)... I have requested that Friday off so that we can go down Thursday night and have a long weekend down there. I'm going to take them on the ferry over to Ocracoke Island and just down and around wherever....it's going to be fun and is already much needed.
Then my sister should have the baby anytime between then and September 25 (her due date is the 15th, though she's aiming for the 9th because she wants her baby to have 09/09/09 as her birthday, lol.
For now, I'll just sneak a nap this afternoon so that I don't fall asleep during my group meeting tonight at 9:30...since I won't have a chance to go to bed at a decent hour tonight...that's the best I can do.
They think it's my real name (a couple know the real story...but some are just idiots apparently and it's like when they see me they know its "me" but are afraid to try and pronounce my name for fear of mispronouncing it.
It makes me smile and I try really hard to keep a straight face when I go to the box office and ask for my passes. :)
Anastacia Beaverhousen signing out.
Monday, July 27, 2009
What I accomplished this evening:
1. Made chicken salad from the leftover chicken from dinner for lunch tomorrow.
2. Made banana nut muffins FROM SCRATCH with a streusel topping sprinkled on top of them.
3. Cut Grandma's hair
4. Gave grandma a manicure
5. Helped entertain Grandma's company
6. Cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the counters
7. Cleaned out the spice cabinet (grandma had spices that were circa 1960...plenty more that were older than me...I threw the bitches away without her even noticing :) he he he. She'll notice eventually and yell at me, but for real...I can't risk her actually using them when she cooks and killing me....oh no no no..
8. Caught up on my blogging...(had a lot to get out)
I need to go to bed now though considering I overslept this morning and was an hour late for work :(...
Happy Monday...shew...glad it's over
I've gotta get back into work out mode...I fell off the exercise kick a week ago...I'm over a week of no hip hop abs and I feel gross yet again...gotta get motivated. I always feel better when I do....i need to go back to watching what I eat too...blah....
I'd like to buy a tape worm. Seriously...anyone know where I can score this trusty parasite...? I wanna be able to eat and eat and eat and never gain weight. lol. And tapeworms are probably cheaper than crack.
This is my take on the conversation that occurred between her and lil man (as she told it to me)...
Jen: Hey Chad, Have you seen my glasses
Lil man: yes
Jen: Where are they
Lil man: they are where I wanted them to be
Jen: Where is that
Lil man: under tommy's bed
Jen: (confused) why would you put them under tommy's bed
Lil man: I wanted you to forget them so we would have to go back and visit
How freakin' hilarious is that kid. I got home this evening hoping to find the glasses before Pepper puppy did. I climbed the stairs, petted the cat, and got on my knees lifting the bed skirt to sure enough find not only Jen's prescription glasses, but her lens cloth too.
I shook my head and left... that whole situation is hilarious to me... The lil dude likes it over here so much he is purposely hiding shit so that they'll have to come back... ha ha ha ha ha. I'm weak.
It's wrong but I found out that Jen's ex-husband is jealous of me. Jen has never flat out told him that we are together because it's none of his business but he said that for the entire three and a half months that lil man was out in Colorado with him, he talked about me nonstop...Tommy this and Tommy has that and pepper, chino, etc...I don't know the guy personally and i'm really not a bitch in normal circumstances but it's one hell of an ego boost to hear shit like that...is that wrong?
I have a hard time in relationships because I want things my way and my way only the majority of the time. I get so pissed off over the littlest things sometimes that I lose sight of the "big picture." It's not all about me. Granted, I do want to be happy and I absolutely refuse to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone...I've done that before. I guess when I saw my current relationship headed down the same path as a previous one...I freaked out. I had to really look at the situation and figure out where I was going wrong. No, I don't have all the answers, nor was I enlightened with some super secret knowledge that very few know....what I did realize however is that I am indeed the only common link between my current relationship and my past relationship (the one that is of any circumstance anyway)...
How do you tell someone that you really enjoy their company MOST of the time but that you have phases where you don't want to be around them (not because they've done something wrong...) but because your overwhelmed and don't want to take things out on them. You'd think it would be easy to just say those things...but it's not.
It seems that feelings get hurt and people often take it personally if you don't want to spend every waking moment with them. I'm a strong supporter of remaining an individual while still having a successful relationship. I want to do things that I enjoy and for Jen to do things that she enjoys and then to also have things that we enjoy doing together. For instance she likes to shoot hoops...I can't stand the thought of playing basketball...ugh..not to mention I'm like three feet tall compared to her, haha. But I have things that I like to do by myself, or just hanging out with my sister or whatever...there are things that we do together as well.
I guess for me it's difficult to not always be in control. When things get out of hand in my life (i.e. when I get stressed out because of family, gma, school, work, all of the above plus some....) I no longer have that "pretend" control that I always try to have...and it all goes down hill from there. That's when all of a sudden things that on a normal day wouldn't bother me at all becomes my focus and eventually I cause a fight and make it the emphasis of my argument.
Long story short, I own the fact that I'm not an easy person to date and I'm not the best verbal communicator. I do however have to give it to Jen for being patient overall... and willing to let me take a few days and just not communicate with her. Don't get me wrong, we still talked and had phenomenal dirty kinky porn style sex, but we didn't analyze anything or talk about any "issues/problems." We just enjoyed each others' company and had a good time. Sure eventually we'll talk, but I'm glad that I was finally just able to say, "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I want to talk about all that stuff...I want to focus on x, y, and z and just enjoy your company..."
I'm finally at the point where I feel like I can say I don't want to talk about "it" lets talk about something else or just do anything but..." and it will be okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I can say that I won't or cant talk about something and it's okay...eventually I'm going to talk about it, but I know how I am...and if I force it or am forced to discuss something when I'm not ready or not at a point where it's mentally feasible...it's going to be a bad situation.... something will come from nothing and I'll end up flipping out for no visible reason.
For now I'm content...I had a great weekend and I'm back to feeling like I have a wonderful woman in my life (granted she hadn't done anything for real to warrant me feeling otherwise...) I just needed to be able to not try and explain shit and analyze it to death....
Things are back to the way they should be. And we've planned our next trip to hatteras...towards the end of August....good times....
So we get there. I'm a little skeptical about the day ahead as my sister Mandi who went with us is now in her eighth month of pregnancy, has been known to fly off the handle at nothing and well it was hot...I was concerned to say the least. I was proud of her she maintained despite heat that felt like 180 degree temperatures and random little kids that were running around and totally needed their asses beat...though I'm at the point where I'm realizing that sometimes it's the parents that need their ass beat lol. But anyway. It was a good trip.
One of my favorites is the Prairie Dog exhibit...they are so funny to watch and I found one who was rather photogenic and enjoyed having his/her picture taken.
We stopped to take the most unflattering photo EVER... lol. But whatever I'll rock it, haha. We're still sexy as hell...(more cushion for the pushin' right, haha--yeah that was lame) but anyway....the butterfly bench is also a fave of mine at the zoo for some reason. Jen was a real team player through this whole thing because she pushed lil man around in a cart the whole time, up hills, down hills...we were all tired to say the least.
At first lil man didn't want to have his picture taken on the butterfly bench, he was hot and tired of sitting still (when Jen pushed him at least he had a breeze)... after everyone else started doing it he wanted to have his picture taken too... he had a good time overall....
The giraffes hid in the shade (as most of the animals did....it was effing hot) I mean hell, the temp was as high as giraffe pussy...(you know I couldn't resist) though I think this one's a guy...you get the point.
The rhino amused me yesterday as well. I never noticed how flat their lips are but this one was kind of scooting his face around the ground...he laid down and huffed and all you could see was a cloud of dust roll out in front of him...good stuff.
I had a good time, as did the rest of the group. Though I think the next Sunday outing will need to be somewhere air conditioned like the Aquarium or Children's Museum--at least until fall or winter.... I'd rather be cold and layer lots of clothes than sweating my balls off.
Sunday, July 26, 2009
I had noticed lately that Gma seems to have a real issue with my sister. She's always making comments that would indicate that she doesn't even like my sister (and keep in my mind she's not even my grandmother by blood and I'm her favorite...it's weird)...it concerned me. My sister has voiced concerns as well and talks about how "the old bat" as she put it doesn't even like her. She used me as an example and said that if I needed new tires all I'd have to do is mention and bam, four brand new tires. If Mandi mentions needing new tires, grandma cuts out a coupon for tires to give her, lol. (It's true. Gma has bought me new tires before...so valid point)
Well on top of that it seems that everyone and their mom vents to me. I honestly don't have a problem with that until it comes time for me to vent and I feel like I can't talk to anyone (so I blog instead) because everyone has too much already weighing on them as it is. Or if I do talk to them I'm perceived as just being melodramatic. Mom vents to me about the shit that Gma does to piss her off and threatens to smother her in her sleep...(which is funny only because I used to threaten that and mom would say that when Gma dies they are ordering an autopsy because they aren't convinced I wouldn't really do it...wtf?) Here's an example of a similar conversation:
I'm upstairs getting ready to watch a movie and my sister is downstairs so I texted her...
Me: Hey I'm about to hit play, do you wanna watch Transporter 3 or not
Mandi: mom and I are down here on the verge of killing grandma
Me: is that a yes or a no
Mandi: Turn the volume up so when the police come you won't be able to answer any questions
Mandi: lol, and no to the movie, yes to really thinking about hurting Gma
It's apparent that Grandma is putting a little of everyone over the edge at this point. Well I went to sleep on Friday night and had the most jacked up dream. Grandma was reading me an email in the dream (which she is famous for speaking over an entire room of people to ensure that at least one person hears the email that some random cousin of an uncles moms dad sent her..."don't you remember who that is..." no, "oh sure ya do..." blah blah blah blah) I yelled at her in the dream. No, I didn't just yell, I straight up flipped the hell out on her and in the dream, she died shortly after.
I woke up feeling guilty for letting things get so built up to the point that I am having bad dreams about things that are happening in my waking life...so I go downstairs prior to running errands with my sister and I trapped Gma in the bathroom. I literally trapped her. You see the bathroom is narrow, she pees with the door open so I walk in and see she has finished peeing and is now back in her wheelchair in front of the sink. I stand behind her wheelchair looking into the mirror to talk to her, and her using the mirror to talk to me. There was not enough space for her to maneuver or turn around with me standing there so she was trapped and had to hear me out. I did this, not because I'm evil...but because my grandmother has the attention span of a goldfish and I needed her full undivided attention for what I had to say.
I calmly explained that I needed to talk to her and that I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I have noticed some things that were bothering me and that I had concerns with. The topics ranged from my sister and how grandma seems to hate her and how she constantly knit picks with my mom, and how she doesn't say please and thank you, I mean everything.
I made a great deal of progress. It turns out that my Gma had let things that my sister is doing or has done that she doesn't approve of get in the way of normal daily activities. (my theory is that my sister is getting all the attention right now with the baby coming and the attention isn't on Gma so much since her leg is healing and well Gma is jealous) but I digress. I reminded Gma that there are things in my life that she doesn't approve of (the gay thing in a way) but it doesnt make her love me any less and so on. In the end she cried because she said, "I'm sad because I'm too old to hold the baby like I want to." I said grandma, get over yourself, you could be 93 and you're not going to be too old to hold the baby. By the time the baby gets here you'll be driving around and walking on your own...she patted her belly and I used it as a cue to point out that she already had a shelf for the baby to lay on, she laughed....
Her issues with mom have to do with mom always wanting to be right (and Gma being the same way) and neither of them backing down until someone is proved right. My mom is the same way with Aunt Melissa and it gets annoying to listen to but no one, including me likes to be wrong...she commented on how mom doesn't even let her pick out her own clothes....and how mom is so anxious all the time to have everything done just right that she feels like she doesn't have the option to do things for herself like she would like to. I pointed out that she needed to sit down and nicely tell these things to mom so that they could work them out. End of story...she agreed and then told me not to tell mom the things she said...
On Thursday Gma barked an order at me without a please or a thank you after it was done. I called her out on it. I'm always reminding lil man to use his manners...what happened to Gma's I wonder. For a lady that taught 1st grade for years, she should know that these things are essential. I explained that while I understand she's not used to so many people being around trying to help, that she shouldn't stop treating us like people by not saying please and thank you...I said we are not your slaves....we are not cool with you barking orders and doing as told. Just ask us nicely...that sparred another topic...she feels like she doesn't get the respect she deserves from people sometimes...okay again....TELL SOMEONE WHEN IT HAPPENS, IN A NICE TONE AND STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE...you have to give respect to get it....everyone knows that
The talk lasted about 20 minutes and at the end grandma said that she is just trying to guide us in the way the Lord is guiding us. I told her that if the Lord has a plan for us I'm sure he can manage just fine getting his message across without you micromanaging and turning your nose up at something we do that you disagree with. She agreed. I used the whole me being gay thing to prove my point. I told her that just because you think I should be with a man, marry one, have kids and all that shit...doesn't mean it's right for me and on the same token, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that my relationship with God is any less important or great than yours is.
One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from Dogma.... "Jesus, I know Jesus...nigga owes me 20 dollas." lol.
But anyway I called my mom after the talk I had with Gma gave her only the details she needed (though I don't know what will come of it....at least she and dad are on vacation this week) it's just me and Aunt Melissa and Gma this week.... I also filled Mandi in on some of the details. For now, the dust has settled and as much peace that can exist, has moved into the house.
Yep...I'm such a damn mediator...but when it comes to my personal life I can't seem to figure shit out or make things function as smoothly...it baffles me sometimes.
Side note: I watched Transporter 3 last night...not bad--I'm so not into dudes, but I'd dry hump the hell out of some Jason Statham, lol.
I turned the alarm off as I thought to myself, I'm such an idiot...I don't have to do shit today if I don't want to. Back to sleep I went. I woke up after twelve with Chino Kitty curled up next to me on his pillow and Pepper puppy's back to mine (they like it when I sleep in because they get to as well)...I text my sister to see what she was doing and we decided to go to a thrift store and then catch a movie.
I showered, fake shaved (shaving only up to the knee because beyond that were my cargo shorts and I'll be damned if I'm shaving if I don't have to, haha), opted for a sports bra to pin the girls down and keep them under control (in reality how unruly can a couple of Bs get...I just like to smoosh em from time to time, haha).....draw on my eyebrows which oddly didn't take as much effort to do because they have grown back in nicely, but i digress....
I grab Mandi and off we go. I found a pair of brand new Lane Bryant khakis and a Gap tshirt for me and managed to find Jen three pairs of practically brand new work pants as well....so a productive trip to say the least. We go to Red Robin for lunch--we walk in and Mandi takes a b line for the bathroom (the baby stretched out and was standing on her bladder apparently), the hostess walks up to me and says "Is your name Tommy?" Two things run through my head:
1. Am I wearing a work shirt or badge, how does she know who I am and
2. This girl is way too young for me to have slept with and pissed off...
Girl: Do you remember me
Me: You look familiar but No
Girl: I'm Taylor, you used to babysit me
Me: What, shut up
Girl: Yeah, me and my brother--Taylor and Brooklyn
Me: WHOA I feel really old right now
Girl: Chuckles and takes me to the table...
(Did I mention that this had to have been over 11 years ago and this girl still remembered me...) Kids used to love me when I babysat...but she was a youngin' then I can't believe she'd still remember me, not to mention that I apparently look exactly the same, haha.
Weird. Mandi and I go to Jen's theatre where our tickets are waiting in the box office with Ed. Ed is this funny dude...he's a "playa" in his mind and loves the fact that he's "on my good side" I always joke about how if things don't work out with Jen and I then he'll need to be ready (he totally knows that I'm not serious)....but I digress. We watched The Ugly Truth--GREAT MOVIE...Hilarious, really.
Home after a detour to Michael's (the craft store)--I had invited Jen and lil man over this evening (we are going to the zoo tomorrow) so I had some cleaning to do. I cleaned the bedroom and noticed it's about time to clean the comforter. It's a king size brown microsuede thing so it's too big for my washer here...there are remnants of DNA to say the least...eww. Dusted and vacuumed and set up Lil man's bed and onto the bathroom I went. I looked at the floor and noticed that there was gunk in the corners and cracks where I hadn't scrubbed hard core in a while. Like I clean but never too in depth apparently. On my hands and knees with a toothbrush I scrubbed all the ickiness away, mopped, scrubbed some more--you could eat off of anything in my bathroom right now it's so clean.
The living room was next....Jen got here...lil man went to sleep....two hot naked ladies in the shower...(we kept it clean, lol) laundry tossed in the wash...and in goes a movie. Tomorrow the zoo awaits (if the weather holds out). I've got to get up early in the am so that I can do my homework before everything else....yeah since I didn't turn on my computer at all until now...I'm a little behind schedule to say the least.
MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK! I know, exciting right. I took this picture today because I was a. Being conceited, b. Having a great eyebrow day, and c. needed proof of my hair getting longer...
Friday, July 24, 2009
All paychecks have been handed out, I only have about two or three people still left in the building, phone calls to make so that people who don't have work for Monday know they don't have work for Monday and yeah...I'm peacing out.
Woohoo....it's FRIDAY and I get to leave work early...HOLLA.
At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.
The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.
The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
I want to curl up in a ball and be a bum, watch movies and be totally unproductive. Maybe even move the tv into the bedroom and watch movies in there...I just like the thought of options right now. I'd like to stretch and sprall out and cuddle with Pepper Puppy and Chino Kitty....ID REALLY LIKE TO GO TO THE BEACH but that's not going to happen I don't think because mom and dad are going down there for there vacation starting this weekend and don't want to be disturbed....I don't blame them. The following weekend is dad's going away thing so that one's out...maybe the weekend after that I can sneak down there....it's definitely that time (I haven't been since my birthday at the end of May) because if I don't go then I'll have to put it off even longer because of my sister's baby shower as well as a ten page, fifteen page, and twenty page paper that will be due here in coming weeks. Lot's going on and me just aching for a change of scenery.
If I get my homework done early enough I'm going to clean the windows on Gmas house, perhaps even clean my car...then again I may do absofreakinglutely nothing and be completely okay with it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
Tomorrow is my brother's birthday. At that point he'll be 26, my sister 27, and me 28.
The president came on tv this evening. I didn't watch it (just muted it) and waited in hopes that in my multitasking Wipe Out would come on so I could see idiots bounce off of the big balls and get junk/cunt punched by the wall of punching gloves...that show always makes me laugh (granted it probably kills a bunch of brain cells but at least I'm amused while it happens.
I'm a little over one hundred hours away from vacation time at work (two to three weeks)...I inquired today because my mom and dad are leaving for a week to get in some them time. I was going to help out with grandma....my boss told me she could cover for me if I needed the time, but my concern is that I have bills to pay so I can't not go to work ya know.
Dammit, Wipe Out is on now...but its time for my online group meeting...guess I'll have to multitask, lol.
"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"
I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.
I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.
My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.
There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.
I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.
A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.
At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.
I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.
My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.
I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.
I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).
I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.
Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.
I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.
When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.
The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.
We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....
It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.
I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.
My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.
The Stock Picker (some know it as cherry picker or order picker)...drives like a car, but goes up in the rafters so that individual boxes can be picked... you have to be harnessed into this equipment so if you fall you don't go Splat...
The F4 (sit down forklift, called the F4 in my facility because it has four wheels...go figure)
The F3 (Stand up fork lift) differs from regular forklift because you are standing and only has three wheels...
The Walkie Rider (basically a pallet jack you can ride or pull along side of you) pretty fun, but one of the most dangerous pieces of equipment because people get on them and leave their common sense at the door...people have shattered elbows, broken their faces, run over other walkie riders etc....
Not pictured here are the Reach and Double reach truck...(like a F3, but bigger and has a reach mechanism which extends the forks further than a normal forklift) Once my boss certifies me to operate these (which won't happen anytime soon because the new hires we have coming in will be pretty much only using the aforementioned equipment) I'll be able to instruct others on how to use it.
I'm very excited about this. I'm also excited about the fact that I have 9 contractors that will be transitioning into Fulltime slots with the client company with in the next couple of weeks. I haven't had anyone get hired (due to hiring freezes) since November of last year. EXCITING. I'm so happy for them. It makes my job a little better because most of the time I give folks a sense of false hope because that's what I'm told to do...I do what I'm told to keep my job and then feel guilty when she doesn't work out...well for at least nine of my folks shit is going to work out and for this I'm not only grateful but SUPER EXCITED.
I had heard the toilet flush upon entering so figured I'd just keep my ass cheeks clinched to avoid letting the biggest fart ever out (it had been building for a hot minute). When suddenly, I hear, "Hey Tommy?" in a country accent followed by snickering...FUCK!!! It was cheerleader and she wanted to apparently hold a conversation with me while I shat...NOT COOL. My insides were twisting at this point because I had to go so bad, but I couldn't knowing that I had an audience.
Me: Um, yeah dude what's up
Cheerleader: (snicker snicker, embarrassed) I clogged the toilet...I took a massive shit and it's about to overflow what am I going to do?
Me: (laughing hysterically and still trying not to fart loud) go get maintenance and ask for a plunger...
Cheerleader: OH MY GOD DUDE!!! I can't do that, then they'll know I shit and clogged the toilet...I'm going to wait a few minutes and try to flush it again...the water stopped at the top but it might overflow...
Me: Dude, I have a deuce to drop myself and can't do it with you in here talking to me...
She laughs and walks out...
A few minutes later she returns, her giggling gives her away and I immediately start cracking up as well.
Cheerleader: Field Hockey yelled at me and said I better not leave it--she said there was a plunger in here somewhere (her voice trailing behind her as she moved all around the bathroom) FOUND IT (she exclaimed excitedly from the handicap stall next to me)
I was thinking great...I have a green shit stink cloud swarming around me and she wants to be galavanting around here...she's probably going to go run to Field Hockey's office and tattle on me...Tommy's taking a shit, hahaha...
Again, I digress.
I heard her walk into the end stall (at this point I'm thankful someone else was in my favorite stall because if not, it would be me making the toilet overflow)...So I'm compassionate to her situation but more thankful that it wasn't me...totally jacked up I know. But anyway...She narrates while plunging...
Cheerleader: Oh my god, did I touch anything....ewwwwww grossssss
Cheerleader: Oh my god dude I think I churned it around too much it's all cloudy and gross....
Me: Flush it again and plunge at the same time and see if that works
Cheerleader: Oh my god I can't do that, I'm too scared....then everyone will know it was me...
Cheerleader: WHEN THE SHITS ON THE FLOOR AND THE FLOOR IS FLOODED AND I HAVE TO GO GET MAINTENANCE THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME
Me: (laughing hysterically while shitting and trying to be her on-premise advisor apparently)
Cheerleader: I'm leaving it
She leaves. I finish my biznazz and wash my hands...I head back to my office and the minute the door beeps and unlatches, I see Cheerleader pop her head out of Field Hockey's office...she laughs hysterically.
I stop into Field Hockey's office and explain how I didn't appreciate standing there washing my hands and having someone else walk in and having to freak out thinking they'd go to stall number one see a giant turd floating there and think..."eww that tommy is a dirty nasty bitch" (luckily the girl went straight to a different stall which gave me time to get out without being suspected)
We all laugh...
Cheerleader: Well now no one will think it was either of us, we are in the clear
Field Hockey: Uh, Yeah, except tomorrow morning poor ol maintenance is going to go in there to clean the toilets and his be grossed out
Cheerleader: it will dissolve some by then
Me: (laughing hysterically) Dude, Sit doesn't dissolve, it just breaks up and floats around all rogue like
Field Hokey: EWWW....and the water is going to be all brown and cloudy, that is soooo gross
Cheerleader: but I left the plunger next to the toilet so at least He'll think "well at least they tried to fix it...
Me: (speechless laughing hysterically thinking, please don't get the urge to pee...you can't go back in the bathroom today--you're not allowed....you can't do it...you can't risk it....
We talk a while longer about random shit situations while on the topic of shit....when Field Hockey announces:
"I'm not so grossed about about the fact we are talking about it now, I'm more concerned about the fact that ya'll were in the bathroom dual pooping....that's soooo gross and disturbing."
To sum things up Cheerleader was concerned about making the toilet overflow and then everyone know it was her. I was like how are they going to know, it's not like they are going to walk on the floor and find a big ol turd with a post it not that reads "Cheerleader's Turd." She was like NO, JACKASS....I would have had to get maintenance and be like, um, I made the toilet overflow....
I needed this to happen today...I hadn't laughed that hard in a long while...and cheerleaders face as she closed to office door to ensure no one heard us speak of shit (or at least her shit) made me the weakest of all...
Field Hockey perked up and was like "you have a blog?" and Cheerleader without missing a beach said the same...cheerleader mentioned wanting to know where it was and I told her flat out NO...she asked why? I responded because you'll read it.
At that point I told her I was pretty sure I wrote a mean blog about her when she first started here at work and may have referred to her as the evil cheerleader bitch...then added a disclaimer to the end that went something like: "but that was then...You're okay in my book now..." as she lifted her jaw up off the floor.
I was amused. She left the office. So there I am standing in Field Hockey's office (I don't think I've introduced her to my blog yet. She's younger, brunette, athletic--sporty spice meets sorority girl, minus the skankiness and airhead qualities....She used to work for the company that i'm employed for but now works for the client company...) But I digress, I normally make it a point to not divulge the whereabouts of even the fact that I have a blog online to anyone, especially coworkers for the simple fact that I don't sugar coat shit and when I have stuff on my mind I write it. (and because sometimes I can't remember if I've said mean shit about the person or not) Well as she had me in a headlock I cracked...I told her.
Okay so no, I wasn't really put in a headlock but I told her. Perhaps something I'll regret later, but for today I'm in a I don't really give a fuck type mood so we'll see.
A few minutes ago she came skipping into my office and says, so "which one of us did you want to barbeque and eat?" I was like huh what are you talking about. Ha, apparently in my Skinny Dieters blog I wrote something along those lines about Cheerleader who in my mind is a compulsive dieter which kills me because I don't see an ounce of fat on her...but what do I know.
It's funny....I can't let things like who is potentially reading my blog keep me from enjoying what I enjoy in life...BLOGGING. Perhaps she'll get some good laughs, definitely some TMI...but hey...it is what it is.
Monday, July 20, 2009
I hate group projects and I have one in my senior seminar class. The last week has been spent trying to get six people to agree on a time--it hasn't worked yet so three of us met in a class chat to start discussing responsibilities and stupid shit related to the business simulation. Somehow they think the dude named Tommy is the secretary...i agreed to the secretary thing but had to clear up the gender confusion...BLAH...
Chino has got back in the habit of sitting on the back of the couch while grooming me. It's effing weird to have a sandpaper tongue on your scalp (this cat is persistent...) he won't stop until he has thoroughly done his job and purrs nonstop WEIRD
The kicker is that i had a soda today. I fucking said FUCK IT in the ass sideways. Ive got to much weighing on me right now. I've been busting my ass to lose weight and work out and I feel like I'm gaining weight...I haven't had a soda prior to this evening for like a month and a half I don't even know how long now and not a single pound lost WTF. It's like I've tripled my sugar intake compensating for the no sugar I CAN'T WIN.
I feel like a failure and like just throwing in the towel. Sure everyone has set backs but when it comes to transitioning to a healthy lifestyle it's a never ending set back...I want to scream, cry, and well whatever.
In addition I hate that I have a hormonal imbalance/Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome--my female parts are all out of wack. I pms nonstop and never seem to bleed...SOMEONE PUT ME OUT OF MY MISERY (overshare and I don't care)--I'm miserable and I can't win this battle with the buldge when my hormones are kicking my ass. How do I win in a battle against my own mind, body, and soul...
HOW? Ive never wanted something so bad in my life...I want to be successful and able to stick with something for a change...I'm tired of the flip flop bullshit...I don't know what to do anymore. When I do have money for groceries which isn't often (so i mooch off of gma and mom) I seem to buy the wrong stuff all the time. THe added stress of all this family bullshit, group projects and extra school work; bullshit at the J-O-B; mood swings--IT DOESNT MATTER THEY ARE ALL EXCUSES....I have to overcome this in order to be successful and not feel like a failure.
I have a graduation in October that I'm going to have to put on a cap and gown and I don't want to look like a tank in fucking dress. Everything I've worked on to this point was undone by a "bad" weekend...I let the stress get to me and now I have to start all over again. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK.
I really want to cry. This sucks.
Time for bed gotta see what tomorrow has in store for me.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
She said (in reference to her husband running to the bathroom), "He was as fast as a fart in a hot skillet."
I found it amusing as I said...however my all time favorite I stole from my friend Archie. He was talking about gas prices and said that they were, "High as giraffe pussy." I still use this one whenever I'm talking about something that I can't afford.
Wait. Let me start from the beginning, before I get ahead of myself.
Aunt Melissa (mom's sisters) EKG was abnormal, further tests and scans have also come back abnormal and she is scheduled to see a cardiologist on Tuesday evening. She has been ordered to go the ER if she has any swelling, pain, etc immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. In addition, my mom tried to call Matthew, Melissa's son (my cousin) to see if he wanted to know what was going on with his mom. But his wife is an instigating bitch and stirring shit up so his wanting to know isn't happening right now...screw it.
Mom bought a new air card from Verizon (we are all hardcore verizon junkies for the simple fact that it's the only thing that gets service out in the stixx. (Jen got me a Sprint card for my computer because she loves me and wanted me to be able to do my homework without relying on the computer being free at my moms house--Gma only has Dialup since its all we can get out here unless we use Hughesnet which is a rip off)....but i digress. So her computer was having issues and not being compatible with the card. That added to Gma plucking her nerves by just being Gma and overly demanding and needy, worries about her sister, mandi (my sister) being hormonal and always lashing out at her randomly, the pressures associated with my dad leaving for Kosovo for an entire year in a few weeks...etc...(shes stressed and spread thin)
Grandma is getting stir crazy and used to being independent and now has all the people in her house that she has to rely on and things are changing on her more and more each day.
Mandi is a first time mom, going through a divorce, dealing with trying to figure things out with her baby's dad (not the soon to be exhusband) which yes sounds like a soap opera but if I told you the long story would make perfect sense and she is not the bad/guilty person in this scenario...shes super horomonal and stressing in general with an upcoming baby shower, baby, etc in general.
Jen has work issues and ex husband drama. She lives a very stressful life as well. I don't make things easy on her with my mood swings and everyday craziness...basically lil man's dad (who I've never met personally but isn't thrilled with the fact that lil man talked about me nonstop on his 3 1/2 visit, ***snickering instigatingly***lol) he always tries to parent from Colorado....I tell Jen all the time she should just tell him to blow her...lol...but long story short, she's stressed.
Me...well I feed off of everyone's energy. I've got school stress, work stress, family stress, just stress in general. By Saturday afternoon it was boiling over. I told mom on my way out to Walmart with Mandi and lil man that if she needed a break, I'd get grandma to bed that night and get her up in the morning--I can handle it I told her. She said she was fine with tears in her eyes (things were boiling over for her as well...)
I'm at Walmart with Mandi when my phone rings...it's mom...She says, "I'm taking you up on your offer, grandma will be here when you get here I'll see you tomorrow."
I got home, put lil man in the shower, after he helped me clean up the mess, let him open his transformer I bought him (I had gone to walmart for more legos but there were no good ones), put him in the bed and let him start watching a movie. I went downstairs and helped grandma put on her gown on, take her pills and get into bed.....
I came back upstairs paused the movie, lil man was already winding down so I read to him and he was out cold. I put up laundry up and jen came in shortly after. I was beat to say the least and just felt all kinds of bottled up craziness. The toxicity of it all had caught up with me.
Grandma called me at 6:04 this morning to get her up and in the shower. The power went out while she was in there, she finished, I fixed her breakfast and she was good to go for the next hour and a half while I went back to bed.
I dunno...I'm glad I could give my mom a break. I'm tired of my sister being pregnant because she's a bitch on a regular day, add hormones and its a bad combination, I'm worried about work, overwhelmed with school, trying to help Jen with lil man, worrying about aunt melissa, ready for grandma to be back on her feet, tired all the time, feeling fatter now than when i started trying to lose weight, trying to keep things in my relationship with Jen and not put her over the edge because of my moodswings and shit...which is unintentional by the way...I'M GOING TO FREAKING BREAK SOON.
Too much going on and not enough downtime can make even the strongest person break.
Friday, July 17, 2009
1. I was the Prom Queen, my senior year (it pissed off a bunch of the real hoity toity bitchy girls, but the way prom queen was voted for in my school was that the juniors voted the winner. My sister was a junior while I was a senior and my bro was a sophmore, but anyway she was popular and she got all of her friends to vote for me...hence me being crowned and almost having to beat a bitch down.
2. I'm afraid of the dark (not inside dark but outside dark) I don't go outside at night without the flood lights on. I live in the country and i'm not trying to be eaten by a bear or sprayed by a skunk.
3. I have talked two different people out of killing themselves in my lifetime (but not because of me) one had a gun, the other had a cocktail of various cough syrups and pills.
4. Random people frequently come up to me and tell me intimate details about themselves like we've known each other for years. I was on a blind date with this guy one time (yeah back in the day..DON'T JUDGE ME, LOL) and this lady walks up, pulls up a seat, grabs my hand and begins talking to me about many random things that were bothering her and going wrong in her life. My date buys her a soda, she finishes telling me everything, stands up, gives me a hug and then tells me "You're my guardian angel--I don't know what I would have done without you" and walks away. The guy was pissed and was like that's rude, you didn't introduce me...at which point I said, "Dude, I didn't even know her."
5. I really enjoy playing with legos. I've been known to play with them even when little kids aren't around. There is this awesome one called Green Grocer, some Cafe Corner, and like Marketplace (its three different buildings in the same lego town) that I really want, beginning with Green Grocer. They are in the 16+ category, but are also more than 150 bucks a pop...that's a guilty pleasure that will have to wait until I win the lottery.
I go to Cabin Towne...this place thats like a gift shop (they sell dolls, crafts, marijuana supplies with stickers that say for tobacco use only, candles, etc) but most people just go their for reasonably priced smokes. I bought my mom and dad a carton of Marlboro Lights in a box and had mom's bank card to pay with it. The lady carded me for cigarettes first of all (which okay is fine...) but what killed me is that she looked at my ID and overreacted. She did a double take at the year I was born (perhaps reading it wrong) and said...wow, you look great. But not in a complimentary way, more in a holy shit you're that old I'd never have guessed.
I could understand this happening if I was 73 and my ID suggested I was say 32...but I'm only 28. I'm glow in the dark white so I'm thinking it's my lack of exposure to natural sunlight that keeps me looking so youthful and vibrant...or it could be the fact that I am in fact young enough to feel offended by this lady thinking I should be all wrinkly and buying geritol in bulk. What the freaking fuck?
Downside is I didn't make fall asleep until well into the morning hours and then had one of those nights where I was paranoid I was going to oversleep because of how tired I was that I woke up a few times during the evening. I remember Pepper coming upstairs this morning and me trying to make her lay down and go to sleep (but Earl was downstairs so she was already in play mode...it's so much easier when she's a lazy let me sleep in kind of puppy, lol) she climbed across me despite my efforts to get her to chill out, stood her big ass on jen...I heard Jen holler, Ugh...get off of me Pepper (40 pounds of pressure from just two front paws is killer)....Jen pushed her down and Pepper happily nestled in the middle of Jen and I where there was very little room to begin with, but she was happy for the next few minutes and I drifted back to sleep.
My mom called my phone to make sure I was up, I said yeah but wasn't--it's a good thing she called though because I had somehow turned off my alarm and would have overslept...so I set another alarm, grabbed about five more minutes and then got motivated and out of bed. Both Jen and Lil man were still asleep when I left and I had a tinge of jealousy roll through my veins...Now its work time and my eyelids are heavy and I just keep thinking...hell I'll take a short check this week, just let me go home so i can grab a nap before I hang out with lil man and have more homework to do.
I'm so tired, but when one thing leads to another...sometimes you just gotta deal with the repercussions the next day. Happy Freaking Friday.