Friday, May 13, 2016

More change is on the horizon...

Jen is being transferred.  So, We are being transferred.  It has barely been a year since we sold our house in Virginia to begin a new life here in Knoxville, TN and we are already leaving.

I can't say that I'm totally upset about leaving TN though... I've kind of been miserable and spent the majority of my time fighting a deep depression.  I miss my family a great deal, but at least have been in driving distance and have made semi-regular trips to see them.  My sister lives 3.5 hours away, so I've visited her the most.  My brother is 8 hours away, but travels a lot with work, while my parents are 9 hours away.  I've made several trips to see them because I love them and because they live on the beach (total win). I've even lucked up and seen my brother while at my parents house which saved a bit of driving.  Usually when I go to see my parents who live on Hatteras Island, NC, I swing by my sister's house, say hi and then drive to my Grandma's house in the country of VA where I used to live.  From there I swing through Elizabeth City, NC to see my other Grandma and my Aunt and then to the beach.... It's a lot of driving by the time all is said and done, but it's worth it.

The problem I face now is that Jen's job is transferring her to Denver, CO, so visiting my folks will no longer be a quick jaunt of any kind.  It's about a 27-29 hour drive from there to my mom and dad's, so driving is out of the question.  My sister doesn't have money for plane tickets, my brother probably would never come out even if he did have money for the plane tickets because he'd have to bring his huge family and that would be super expensive.  My parents are on a fixed income now that they are retired, but would do their best to save money to come and visit.

I'm still not working, so can only hope to find a decent job in CO that will allow me to put away extra money to go see my folks/family.  It scares me to be that far away from them.  Every time I think about it, I start to cry to be honest.

Denver, CO offers the chance of a new adventure.  I'm about to be 35 in a couple of weeks and I have spent the majority of my life in the same place, so it's time to get out there and see a little bit more of the "world."  But I'm scared.  Jen's family lives within a couple of hours of Denver, so we'd be able to see them frequently, but they aren't the family that I'm used to.

What if I get out there and hate it, I'll be stranded.  I already know that I don't like snow and the cold and well...it's going to be a hell of a lot colder and snow way more there than it ever did in VA or NC.

Jen already has friends out there, I know no one.  Her friends aren't going to become my friends... like we may talk and get along, but they aren't going to be my go to's because they are already Jen's...

I'll have to find a job, find a new doctor to keep my meds in check and ensure I don't let my depression push me over the point of no return... I'll have to start over, again.

I love Jen and at least this time she discussed the move with me prior to accepting the offer, unlike last time.  I don't know.  I'm just freaking the fuck out.  Freaking the fuck out.

Friday, January 8, 2016

Death by boredom...

In the beginning, this whole not having a job thing was AMAZING.  Now, I fear I may die of boredom.  I get tired of doing the same things in day in and day out.  I don't have the money to just get out and go explore or try new things and discover what Knoxville, TN and it's surroundings has to offer.

Money is tight.  That translates to stress levels being increased and fights being more frequent.  This year is not starting the way I imagined it. But I feel like it's early enough into it that things are going to improve.  In fact, I'm afraid, I have no other choice but for things to improve.

It will be a chain reaction.  Getting a job = more money = more places visited and fun experiences had = less fighting within the household and less me going stir crazy = bliss.  (or something to that effect)

Oh my god I am so freakin' bored.  I wish I was motivated enough to take longer walks or get more exercise.  The problem is that if I take a walk by myself then I feel guilty because the dogs aren't getting the opportunity for exercise, but if I take them with me then I have to worry about them attacking other dogs, etc.

I'll figure it out, I always do.


Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Bat Shit Crazy.

I have been in Knoxville, TN for three months now.  I'm going bat shit crazy.  I am struggling with the depressed side of my bipolar disorder even more than usual.  It's difficult because I don't know anyone and am so far away from my family.  I'm homesick and miss the house that we sold to come out here.

I haven't made any friends yet because well, when I'm depressed and anxious, being sociable isn't high on my to do list.  Hell, just waking up in the morning is a gold star day as of late.  I decided last night that things have to change.  I've gained even more weight, which stinks because the "plan" was to lose weight considering I live on the third floor and am constantly going up and down stairs to walk the dogs AND there is a friggin' fitness center onsite. (Which I haven't stepped foot into)

I feel disconnected from Jen and get frustrated because she doesn't understand what I'm going through.  I feel very alone and while my logical side knows that's just the depression talking, it doesn't make me not feel it.  She is very consumed with work, which is normal for her--I'm used to it.  But when things get shitty at work and she's not receiving praise for her actions by her boss or other corporate people then she questions why she took the job... that begins an awful cycle for me because I think to myself, "Look, if you don't know why the hell you took the job, then why the fuck am I here?"  I could be back in Virginia in a house with a fenced in yard for the dogs to play in safely and on a culdesac--where Chad had friends and I could trust most of the time that he was playing safely.

I could be two and half hours from the beach instead of nine! I would be employed. Etc, etc, etc.  As of late, she has begun "joking" about getting fired and how she would much rather be demoted because then she wouldn't owe the company money for the relocation... OH MY GOD! While I realize that is her way of coping with the stress of work and the pressures put on her by her boss and corporate standards, it doesn't make it any easier on me.

I swore this year that I wasn't going to fight with Chad over homework and school work because I'm back to working on my Master's degree and have my own shit to worry about.  I am also trying to force Jen into being more involved in Chad's school stuff and his life in general.  He craves her attention soooo much and frequently, when she gets home from work, she's stays on the phone dealing with work shit or just zones out and doesn't want to do anything.  He has learned how to guilt trip her as a means of getting what he wants, but I call him on it.  For instance, the other day he was in the back seat of the car and he randomly said something about how Jen was going to get promoted and then we'd be moving again and he'd have to leave all the friends that he's just made, etc... and I called him on it, in front of her.  Yet she still frequently gets pissed off at me for the tone I take with him or for calling him out on his bullshit.  Okay, well it's called manipulation and it's not right for anyone to do, especially a fucking sixth grader.

He commented about how we've moved even more than his dad has (his dad is military and has been for about 3-4 years...) While he's not wrong, it's irrelevant. I tried to tell him that middle school was a whole different ballgame from elementary school and that he's going to have to study and make an effort to have good grades.  Well he already has an F in math, which happens to be one of his favorite subjects.  The first test they took he got a 22 on.  Yes, 22 out of 100.  I found out about it at the Open house, a day after he got the results back.  The teacher had given students a chance to correct the problems they missed and show their work to receive 1/2 of their points back and increase the chances of getting a passing grade.  He opted to not redo the problems and kept a 22.

On the plus side, he's gotten a little better about being honest.  It's crazy how much that kid wants to lie, and about the dumbest shit, even though he knows that he gets in more trouble for lying than he does telling the truth.  Crazy.  Fucking Crazy.

I know he's a boy and all but my god... I just want to shake him.  I had him bring me his social studies homework that is due this coming Friday that he finished in class and half of it wasn't done, he bullshitted it to look complete and half assed it so that he could do other things when he got home. Anything but homework.  He admits to being lazy about it... and at this point, all I say is, okay, but you are doing it to yourself.

I don't have it in me to fight over it.

All I do is sleep.  I think about all the things I should accomplish or I look around the apartment to see it trashed and the shit I'll have to clean up, one more day, day after day and I get overwhelmed and I go to sleep.  I'm exhausted.

So, to sum things up, Jen and are just as disconnected as ever and I'm still bitter about her taking this job without talking to me about it.  We also established a couple of weeks ago that we still don't trust each other after four years have gone by since our "mishap." I won't go into that at this time.  Her phone goes off nonstop at all hours of the night, but I get one text message and I have to hear, "Oh who's blowing you up tonight?" For fucks sake already.

Chad is chad and is going to pretty much do whatever the hell he wants, despite me being the bitchy mom or wicked stepmother and taking shit away from him and grounding him.

I'm unemployed...I've gone to a couple of interviews but nothing that actually turned into anything.  I was offered a temp position for a two week assignment that paid ten dollars an hour and I was on board because well it's more than I'm making just being at home.  But I had to tell them the day before that I couldn't do it because I was too depressed.  In all actuality, the thought of going to work gave me a panic attack and made me curl up into an even bigger ball of "blah."

So change is needed.  This morning I got up at 750 and started my day.  I began cleaning the apartment, made myself a healthy smoothie for breakfast; sat outside and read the required reading for my current class; started laundry, etc.  I haven't taken a nap or anything at this point... which is huge considering that I've been sleeping until about two in the afternoon and only getting up because I have to go get Chad from school.

I've decided to eat better and to drink more water. I've given up soda.  Not only have I been getting fatter, my skin looks like shit lately, and I know all the bullshit crap food I eat isn't helping my mental state.

I've also decided that I need to write more, so I'm going to get back into blogging and while my goal is daily, I may have to work my way up to that.

Oh, one more thing to bitch about before I go is the fact that I don't have insurance.  Jen said she was going to call around June 26th or so when same-sex marriage became recognized nationwide to see if it qualified as an event with the insurance to where I could get on her plan since mine was ending.  She told me a couple of weeks ago that she talked to someone and that had I been within 45 days of losing my own insurance then I could have jumped onto her policy.  But instead she waited too long to call and I missed the fucking window.  So now, I'm without insurance, pretty damn close to running out of antidepressants and can't afford to go to talk to anyone or find a new doctor here anyway.  This is a prime example of one of my pet peeves.  Jen is an adult, I shouldn't have to hound her and nag her to do things... yet I do.  She's gotten better about some, but not in all areas and then I get to be the bad guy because I'm always worried about shit and she's just kind of like whatever about them.  Drives me fucking crazy. Bat. Shit. Crazy.


Saturday, May 16, 2015

A lot has changed--OH and I'm moving to Knoxville

I knew I hadn't blogged in a while and to be honest I really missed it.  I did not however realize that it's been over a year since I last set down to dump my brain and empty my thoughts in front of the computer screen.  Blogging used to be my "go to" method of preventative "flipping out"--but as of late I've opted for internalizing and then a glorious display of combustion.  It works so much better (not.)

Jen was offered a promotion with her company in mid-January 2015 and accepted (without even weighing the pros and cons or discussing it officially with me).  I knew she was being considered, she had gone through the interview process but we never actually sat down and talked about how it would affect us, our family, our lives in general; instead, I got a text that said, how do you feel about Knoxville, TN? To which I replied something along the lines of a smart ass response in reference to UTs football team or something, I don't remember.  I got home to discover she had already accepted the offer.

I have felt all kinds of emotions through this whole process and I can't honestly tell you which instance has been the most painful or difficult, but I can tell you, when you have your wife of two years, the woman you've been seeing for like six years (around that time) just make a life altering decision without even taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration, it hurts. It really hurts. There's no better way for me to put it.  It just fucking sucks.

Part of her promotion came with a relocation package.  This package included a company that helped us sell the house, offered packers, movers, etc and spousal job finding assistance....woohoo... I'm glad someone was thinking about the fact that one of us was going to not have a job soon, because funny thing was, my wife didn't seem to take that into consideration.  She hopped on the more money train quick and played the "I did it for my family" card and it took everything in me not to punch her in the face.

One thing I learned a long time ago about Jen is that she is a workaholic. She is driven, quite capable, and thrives on positive feedback from her superiors.  She is good at what she does.  She however, can't turn it off.  She tries, but she lives, eats, and breathes her work and sometimes I don't even think she realizes it.  She assured me that with this promotion she'd have more "at home" time because she'd be able to work from home on some of the days and have more flexibility in her schedule... um okay.  I was/am skeptical to say the least.

By February 1 she was already living in TN in corporate housing and had begun her new role.  I was left in VA with all of the household responsibilities, the kid (yes folks...the little boy, or Lil man I've been writing about all these years is now 11 and finishing up 5th grade now), two dogs, working full time, going to school full time....OH WAIT... I didn't mention that part did I? I went back to school last fall (online) to get my Master's degree in Safety, Security, and Emergency Management through Eastern Kentucky University.  My concentration is Occupational Safety. Well, it was...I had to quit for a while until this move is over because I couldn't handle everything that was on my plate and requirements of a graduate level course.  I managed to keep a 4.0 before I stopped though, so at least when things calm down I'll be able to go back in good standing.

I had to get the house ready to sell.  The house we'd only lived in for two years that I loved and never planned on leaving.  Jen wasn't on the deed so I had to do all kinds of extra shit to get her on it so we could qualify for the relocation perks offered by her company... and since I had nothing to do, it was fine.  (I hope you are reading all the sarcasm I'm throwing here.)

Luckily, my mom is awesome and even though she and my dad are retired down on Hatteras Island, NC, she regularly drove up to help me with the kid if he had holidays or was going to be out of school for multiple days.  She also did all the painting and helped me get the house ready for the market.  We put the house on the market the beginning of March anticipating about three months to sell it...I wasn't going to move until school was over so that it wouldn't screw up things for Chad...

Well lucky us (and I shouldn't complain) but the house sold in 21 days.  So much quicker than anticipated.  I'm now squatting in my grandma's upstairs with Chad, no internet, getting serenaded nightly by a band of lunatic foxes that may have eaten the cat I brought out to the country with me, that's a story for another day.  I'm all over the place here.

Now we are here, May 16th... we have a third floor apartment in Knoxville, TN which is where Jen is with the two dogs (which I miss terribly) and I feel guilty about having to put in an apartment and not having a yard to run around in or a place like grandmas house in the country that I can take them on weekly drives to where than can just run without leashes and be free... it breaks my heart.

I do nothing but fight with Chad because he's acting out most of the time because he's pissed off that we have to move and that we sold the house because the whole reason we bought a house was so that we didn't have to keep moving him around...he's got to leave all his friends behind, etc.  He's getting more excited about TN, but the fact is, he sees his mom on average every 2-3 weeks for no more than about 3 days and even then she's on the phone dealing with work stuff or distracted and somewhere else.

I'm having a hard time because me being the bipolar one here... I'm still sticking with my meds but I've had to do unscheduled calls/visits to my doctor to do med adjustments because I've gotten really depressed and at one point stopped going to work for a whole week. (Luckily it was around spring break and Chad wasn't with me so it didn't affect his life any)... June 12th is my last day of work.  When I have no work, I have no insurance.  My doctor is in VA but I'll be in TN... with no insurance, I'm not sure how all this will work out. Without insurance some of my meds are more than 1000 bucks a month...

I have no job lined up in TN yet and haven't even been able to apply to more than a handful because of not having internet access out at grandmas house.  When I'm at work I'm working so I cant, bs and apply for jobs... especially since I'm training my replacement right now.

My life has been turned upside down.  I've dropped everything, given up everything.  I'm walking into one unknown after another.  Jen and I are so disconnected it's ridiculous. Somedays I really do feel like that if she didn't need a babysitter we wouldn't even be together.

Part of me is just waiting to get to TN, where the only thing I'll have is my stuff and shit will hit the fan.... I'll have no job, no family, no anything and then she'll blindside me with some other bullshit. This is a great feeling to have.

Next weekend is my birthday and we're not even talking productively on the phone.  Shes in a fucked up mood and the last time I remember her being like this, it was over some really fucked up shit... I sure hope my instincts are wrong,... since at this point, there's no turning back.

Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What's the secret?

After a week on Atkins I am down 7.5 lbs.  Super exciting... but I have a predicament.  I did really well that first week (minus a couple of cheats) but this week is way more difficult than last.

Monday began a rather stressful and taxing, mentally draining work week for me.  My boss is taking it out of me from his office in ATL and plans to be up here for the next four to five weeks starting this coming Monday.

For me stress, mental exhaustion lead to eating and craving. Monday evening (keep in mind my 1 week weigh in was just that morning) I said fuck it and had Chick-fila for dinner along with 1/2 of a Sonic Blast.  Well within 15 minutes I was praying to the porcelain gods since my body went into total shock over the amount of sugar I had just ingested.... a couple of hours later I was starving so I had a bowl of Honey Nut Cheerios and a peanut butter and Jelly sandwich... yep, got sick again, but this time went to bed.

Yesterday I did good during the day (it's normally always easier when I'm at work...) But then when I got home not so much.  I made made myself a huge salad with chicken I had done with cajun seasonings....I tried a new salad dressing that was AWFUL... I had 2 flavors of it... Honey mustard which tasted like Elmer's glue smells, and Bacon Ranch which tasted like ball sweat and ass.  OMG it was dreadful.  I mixed up some oil and vinegar to use instead.  But within 10 minutes it was like I had never eaten anything and I was staving all over again.  I ended up eating two little debbie brownies (which Jen had bought--I had sent the majority of my craving foods out of the house with the kid when he went to visit my mom for spring break)... and a small glass of milk.

Today, I just want to curl up and go to bed and hide from the world.  I'm craving like everything... I had an Atkins freezer meal a few minutes ago... which tasted good but will not be something that I will buy in the future because it's just not worth it for the portion you get in my opinion.

Nothing seems to be hitting the spot and the only thing that kept me from going to the vending machine in the break room was the fact that what is normally peanut M&Ms was replaced by the milk chocolate ones.  Not a fave of mine.

I don't want to undo everything I did last week but I'm struggling.  IF my boss is going to be up here for over a month I have to figure out some kind of plan because I can't afford to emotionally eat the whole time and I don't really want to rely on Xanax because while that may mellow me out, it may also make me not give a shit about what I do or don't eat, lol.

Suggestions?

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Drop it Low!

I don't have much time these days which should explain my lack of blogging over the last year...but just wanted to share something...I'm adopting a low carb lifestyle.

The scales have tipped at damn near 300 lbs and for my 5'3" self--OMG.  The sad thing is that I don't feel that big. However, when I look at pictures of me I want to hide and never leave the house again.  I just don't get it.  How did this happen?  It's always been easy for me to blame whatever medicine I was on at the time... granted, 9 times out of 10 that was a legit cause. I can't use that as an excuse anymore though, because it doesnt matter what size I am now or 100 lbs from now, I'll always have to be medicated.  I can't risk my bipolar disorder getting out of wack and teetering to manic or super depressed--gotta keep it as close to the middle as I can.

I attempted Atkins about a month ago and every week since.  My sister was starting it and I felt like doing it with her (even though she's five hours away) would be a good idea.  I didn't do the research though, I just took her word for it on what to do.

Needless to say my uniformed self wasn't successful.  I'd start out okay then by the weekend I was back to my old eating habits.  Then that Monday would roll around and there I was standing on the scale, exactly where I had been and sometimes a couple of pounds heavier.

I'd lose a few pounds and then celebrate with icecream, chips, pizza, etc--doesn't work that way.

I had tried to give up all artificial sweeteners as well (at the same time) OMG! I don't recommend that one.

Well last weekend I downloaded the Atkins book to my Kindle App and got an idea of what I needed to do and I feel much better about it.  I've given up the majority of artificial sweeteners, but I take advantage of the Atkins shakes and snack bars (even though the price is as high as giraffe pussy) ... I couldn't do this without something sweet in my life.

I have 150 lbs that I want to and will lose.  It's not going to happen overnight, but it will happen.  I've got to turn over a new leaf and keep it turned... I can't afford to go back to my old ways.

They say "Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels..." Well I wouldn't know--I'm a food addict and have never had an idea of what skinny feels like so I was fine with tasting EVERYTHING!!!

This is my 4th attempt in the last 4 weeks... I feel better about it though.  Easy to say on Day 2, but it's hard to explain, unless you've felt what I'm trying to talk about--my attempt at explanation will be lacking and a total fail.

I'm going to get back into the habit of blogging--not just about weight loss and health stuff but just in general.  It always made me feel better and I've lost that part of me--time to get it back.

Wish me luck.

Wednesday, January 8, 2014

"An artist in our midst..."

That was the subject of the company wide email that went out yesterday.  Unbeknownst to me my coworker Jane decided to share a piece of artwork that I did for her.

I wasn't mad about it, just caught off guard.  I don't usually do paintings for recognition purposes but because I enjoy them...I don't normally sell my artwork either...if I have a friend of family request something I'll charge them for the canvas and paint, but not for my time...If it is a painting that I just felt like doing and think that someone I know will enjoy...then I just give it away...

The piece I did for Jane was the first piece I ever sold.  I didn't charge her anything ridiculous (though when I got started on it good really kicked myself in the head for agreeing to do it in the first place, but it all worked out...) Perhaps I should start from the beginning:

Back at the end of September Jane, who works at our Jacksonville, FL corporate office came up to the plant here near Virginia Beach for some product testing and plant visits with potential customers.  I had just finished giving our break room a much needed makeover.  Our raw materials are dirty/dusty so everything inside gets dusty and built up overtime...combine it with about 10-12 guys who get filthy either from machinery or just the product in general, it's safe to say the break room need an update.  It looked dirty, no matter how clean we managed to get it.  This bothered me in general, but especially at the thought of potential customers seeing it and thinking that we're gross--when really our plan is the cleanest one I've ever seen considering the materials we use.

I did an accent wall in red, the other 3 walls a silver gray and on the wall that you see first when you enter the break room, I painted the company logo.  They didn't have a banner large enough in the marketing department at corporate so I took a normal size bumper sticker and blew it up to be about 2'x8'...

The CEO liked it when he came up on the same trip and Jane was really impressed.  She showed me a picture of a painting that is at one of her and her fiance's favorite Mexican Restaurant down in Florida... The owner of the restaurant had told them he bought it in Mexico City--three trips to Mexico City and they still couldn't find the artist and the restaurant owner wouldn't sell it to them...

So she asked me if I thought if I'd be able to paint it.  I don't typically copy other people's work, but figured hey what the hell...she really wanted to surprise her fiance for Christmas.  She thought it would be perfect since he's the most difficult person to shop for that she knows...

Well I gave it a go and I pulled it off.  I normally do paintings that are more abstract or "flowy" if that makes since... I like to take an object and do a version that isn't realistic at all...I'm sure there is a name for it but damn if I can think of it right now...

So the original:



And Mine:


I can safely say I impressed myself... I didn't know I could do something like that!!! I also impressed her... I was a couple days behind schedule but was able to get it shipped to her and delivered by the 23rd of December and a friend of hers who does custom framing... had it framed and wrapped for her by Christmas Eve so that it could be opened/unveiled on Christmas Day...

A success.  Her fiance said there was only one problem... he isn't sure how she is going to top this gift next Christmas, lol.  Some of the people who work for the company all over the country responded with how great it was...and even the CEO said, "Are you sh''''in' me? WUNDERBAR." Needless to say our CEO is pretty awesome if he'd say shittin' me in an email...lmao.


Sunday, May 5, 2013

Apparently 30 is the new 93

Lil man had artwork that was selected for the Isle of Wight County Public Schools art show.  It started at five on Thursday and we were a little ahead of schedule--since we just so happened to be the same town as my two favorite thrift stores we decided to check one out and then head to the school.

While we were in the thrift store lil man was talking nonstop about anything and everything and he wandered off for a few minutes.  He came back and said, "Hey Tommy, they have the move The Mask over there, you know the guy with the green face..." he got distracted by something for a second and found himself back on the subject... "They are on those old kind of movies, you know the ones from back in the olden days when you were younger."

I paused a second and said "First off, they are called VHS tapes and second off, you make it sound like I'm 93 years old." He had a seriously puzzled look on his face when he said but you were around when they came out with those right...it's like when tv was in black and white like in the 17s, 18s, and 19s."

Skrrrrrrt, pump the brakes kid! Tv didn't come around until the 19s not too terribly long ago.... and how old do you think I am? "I dunno, just really old," He told me with the most serious of faces... "How old are you?"

"Dude, I will be 32 at the end of this month. I wasn't born until 1981 so quit making it sound like I'm 93...I'm not that old."

With that I heard a "Hmmmph" we paid for our finds and headed to the art show... I met his art teacher and saw his awesome castle complete with jumping alligators in it's moat... I figured it was going to be a drawing or painting or something---it was wayyyy more awesome than that.

Wednesday, March 27, 2013

FINALLY!.

So after all kinds of pain in the ass steps and hurdles I was able to close on the house.  My original date of Friday 3.25.2013 dissolved since my loan hadn't been approved yet and then there are steps after that to go through blah blah blah.  At 7:30 pm I was notified that the loan was approved, but by that time bankers hours were over so I'd have to wait until Monday or Tuesday to close.

Monday after I got off of work I drove to VA Beach and signed all the paperwork and made it official...Jen and I are now officially homeowners. 

So can I just tell you that when I went to Home Depot on Tuesday to buy stuff for work, everything looked different... seriously... I was thinking of all the cool stuff I could do to MY house that I couldn't do before because I was renting...it's amazing and the possibilities are endless... now I just need more money, lol.