Thursday, February 19, 2009

Tourist Season

If I were to peel back my skin--
the outer levels that protect me
the bones that I am sure would be crushed
if you ever went away
If I were to uncover the muscles--
that ache for you to be near me
we could overlook the bounce in my step
dive deep into the pit of my stomach
free the butterflies tamed only by your touch
If I were disected--
what would be left?
What lingers beneath the curves of my being
my tired muscles
the framework that supports me
Two things:
My heart
My soul
I want you to be a part of both.
If I could I would
peel back my skin
the skin that tingles for you in anticipation
I would let you inside of me
let you explore
I would let you in my head
where I would hold your hand
and be your guide
I would show you all of my spots from the inside out
the spots that would be our secret
just for you and me
We would sit and have coffee
in the cafe that is my throat
I would show you the lump that resides there
the one who comes out when you are away
We could visit the museum of memories
I would show you pictures
tell you stories
I would snuggle up next to you
and look into your eyes
I would tell you how the best memories aren't yet on display
You would tilt your head and out would come a simple
I would smile and call you silly
"the best memories aren't on display yet"
I would explain
"because they are waiting to be made with you"
At that you would smile
I would take your hand and lead you
to the river of my hopes and dreams
we would sit on the bank of goals
sticking our feet in the cool refreshing water
later picnic on the shore
wearily resting on a blanket of serenity
an emergency stop to put out a fire
flames of insecurity
smoke would billow from the extinguished sight--
for you would have rescued me
held me tight and reminded me that there is no need for that
(I am good enough, right?)
We would pick up the pace for fear of rekindling the doubtful flame
We turn back and head for home
what a long day it has been
I stop and pick a handful daisies for you
snapdragons for me
Again you smile
I like that
One final stop
we curl up on the kingsize bed
that is my heart
laying in my arms you fall asleep
a glimmer of a smile still lingers
on your sleepy face
I hold you tight and think
how I never want you to leave
You wear the sheets of my king size heart well
they look good on you
and I hope they always bring your comfort
Waking well rested and equally in love
A new day, a new tour, I grab your hand--
What new experience awaits us?

I wanted

I wanted to write you a love letter
but all the ink had dried up

I wanted to say just the right thing
but not even a whisper escaped my lips

I wanted to come to your rescue
but I never heard your cry for help

I wanted to make you breakfast in bed
but we were out of eggs

I wanted to buy you the perfect gift
but they were out of stock

I wanted to lay next to you under the stars
but the night was pitch black

It seemed nothing was going my way--

Through each potential disappointment
you merely stepped back and smiled

I couldn't understand how you could be so calm
while my world was muttled in chaos

Slowly it all began making sense...

While I was consumed with the not knowing
trying to be okay when I just wanted to cry

While I tried to cater to everyone around me
and make them happy

While I was distracted with homework
and worried about my job

While I was worried I'd lose you
because of all the unknowns

You were busy--

That's when I realized

The ink hadn't evaporated
You had used it to tattoo my heart

My voice wasn't lost
You had me speechless with a kiss

I couldn't come to your rescue
because you were busy saving me

You hid the eggs on purpose
So we had morning sex instead :)

There were plenty of gifts on the shelf
but none as perfect as YOU!

The star situation still baffles me
How did you get them out of the sky
and into your eyes?

I love you.

Thank you for being patient with me while I am in limbo with my job and carrying the weight of the world on my shoulders...You're the best.

Venting for beginners

Dry erase marker fumes fill my nostrils and Sara Bareilles's Love Song is muffled by my green American Eagle hoody (my wrists lay on the speakers of my laptop), doesn't matter really because everything is muffled by warehouse sounds right outside of my office door. I should first correct myself and share that my hoody isn't green its called Green Bean if we want to be specific, and I do...because it's fabulous and I love it. (I caught it on sale along with a purple one called plumberry or some other oober gay shit for like 11.95 a piece--in American Eagle world that's pretty awesome.)

Whenever I find a great bargain I often think back to standing in the check out line of the gas station in Antioch, TN (right outside of Nashville) when I lived there for a "second." I had just snagged this fabulous coat from Old Navy that really reminded me of the upolstery you'd find on your grandma's couch. It was tan with blue and lime green obnoxious flowers all over it. Well this dude behind me was like wow, I really like that coat you're wearing. I (always finding it necessary to overshare) said, "Thank you, I got this today for 3 dollars." He without hesitating said, "Sweet, I can relate to that cuz I'm a balla." I asked what that had to do with anything and he said (and I still use this quote to this day)... "I'm a balla on a budget." lol. I miss Nashville.

So to continue with my randomness. I'm at work. Work...Right. I'm being a slacker today in that I was quite productive this morning (after coming in an hour later than supposed to because I couldnt get motivated to save my life), then my boss came to bring paychecks for me to dispense later in the day and after that I've been here in the office...slacking for a lack of better words. There are like nine hundred and seventy three other things I could be doing right now but I just don't want to.

Oh, right so what's the point?

Wow--I dont even know where to begin. I've been having nightmares again which suck because I don't wake up in the middle of them, so I wake up in the morning and its like even though I was technically asleep I'm totally mentally exhausted because of the turmoil faced in my dreams. A catch 22 I suppose. What does that mean anyway?

I'm going to go to the laundromat tonight so that I can wash all of my comforters and get the damn dog hair off of them. Don't get me wrong I love Pepper to death but I pulled the covers up around my neck the other night and was immediately breathing in stray dog hairs, fucking gross. I've gotta do that and I need to clean my truck and I need to clean my bathroom and the upstairs in general because tomorrow night after work I'll need to clean grandma's part of the house. Then Jen and Chad will get there and we'll crash, I'll get up on Saturday morning and come back to work for a couple of hours and be on call the rest of the day....spend the day with Chadwyck while Jen is at work and then wait for Sunday to get here so we can all relax and start the cycle all over again on Monday morning. I'm tired.

So I got some official news within the last couple of weeks. Essentially, all these years i've been thinking that I was bipolar, well because that's what the doctors told me--like back in 2000. I would always get frustrated with the meds not working and quit them, be okay for a while, then hit close to bottom and have to start all over again, etc etc etc. Well I recently found out that I officially have a hormone imbalance and that I was misdiagnosed as being bipolar. What a relief.

The downside is that the condition I have, the first thing to try and fix it is to put me on these pills used to regulate insulin...(insulin triggers the pancreas releasing two different hormones...blah blah) well needless to say that the side effects are basically upset stomach and nausea. So far I feel like I've become bulemic...anytime I eat sugar my body rejects it which is a good thing in that it will lead to weightloss but a downside in that I don't enjoy throwing up AT ALL. Plus i was making my rounds in the warehouse and hit up a bathroom because of shit cramps and had to courtesy flush what felt like seventeen times....good greif.

I just went to the bathroom to pee a second ago and didnt have the urge to poop at all, when I sat down it kind of just fell out of my ass--GROSS.

What the hell and TMI, oh well. I'm trying to decide if I like blogging here or if I'm just going to stick with the myspace blogs.

LOL--I just deleted my brother's girlfriend as a friend on myspace. I wonder if she's noticed yet. I can't help it, I don't like her. She kind of sucks the life out of me. My brother loves her so out of respect for him I try and tolerate her...but dear god. She said some shit the other day that put me over the fucking edge. If I delete her as a friend on myspace she can no longer read my blogs and therefore wont know if I decide to vent about her...

Time to hand out paychecks...until next time.