So is it wrong that I've started getting a few comments here and there and that it kinda totally makes my fucking day. I'm like such a dork sometimes but it really is exciting.
I see New comment and just light up...I've never been one to blog for anyone so it's not like that's going to change, its just the point that its my first few comments I think...I dunno.
I generally piss people off with my blogs (family especially) because they don't want me telling their shit or making them to appear one way when they feel they aren't, but everyone needs an outlet in life--blogging is definetly mine. (none of them have this link though, just to avoid the drama)...my sister wants it but she's going to be pissed if she realizes I put her anal sex story on the freaking internet, lol...
Jen used to worry about what people would think when reading, that's because we used to have a mutual friend that read both of ours (she has since cancelled her blogger account so I don't think its an issue, but I'm not sure...I should probably ask tomorrow night when I see her)...
What day is it? Woohoo...I've beat my record of number of days with no soda...this is the beginning of day 19, my previous record was 18...I think I'm going to start giving something up every 30 days....I dont know...I'm not trying to deprive myself completely and live off of air and water, but I've gotta do something. For right now I'm addicted to pop ice freezer pops...all the really good ones are gone, I've only got purple and blue left....time to buy another box. Speaking of box, I wonder how many calories are in pussy...I could go on a pussy diet. Drink lots of water and eat nothing but well shit...Jen...I guess the days she has to work would be consider fasting...(note to self research calorie count)
I need to make another cake as well. The one I made for Gma's bday was a hit, mom took what was left of it to her house so I only gone one piece and I'm kind of craving it right now...I dunno...I don't need it. Maybe I'll opt to just be lazy and not do anything tomorrow...THAT WOULD BE LOVELY.
I wanna go see a movie though and after Jen gets off of work I think she's going to either meet me at my brothers or we'll go together, I dunno...he's having a little get together. I'm going to go since I've been neglecting him, but I hate his girlfriend which is really why I dont hang with him like we used to. Hes a great guy and she's just dreadful...its a shame really, he can do so much better. Just a matter of time before there are little white trash niece/nephews running around...ugh. Oh well, if he's happy, I'm going to try and pretend like hell that I'm okay with it...but if she keeps her shit up, my sister and I have already decided that we are so not going to bite our tongues anymore. HE's not the same when he's around her...its ridiculous.
Well Pepper needs to pee and I need to go to bed...It's already four in the am...I'm glad it's Saturday and I get to sleep in...no homework, no pressures, nothing I HAVE to do...those are the best days ever....
Saturday, June 27, 2009
storm
so there is a thunder storm rolling in. I'm sitting upstairs putting off going to bed, though I don't know what since I'm so fucking tired right now...but as I'm fiddle farting around this huge crash of thunder rumbled the house, windows, etc...I'm not normally easily scared but I think I just peed a little...that's crucial.
Done Done Donesky
So I finally fucking finished my finals. That means no school until Monday July 6th...a lil over a week...I'm mentally exhausted and if I had the energy I'd probably become a cutter at this point.
All jokes aside though...I've known several "cutters" in my lifetime. They all seemed to cut for different reasons, but the same reason overall--it's difficult to explain. I don't get it, but hey whatever works for ya, you know...The moral of the story is that I decided a long time ago that cutting would never work for me.
I figured that if I was going to be a cutter, I'd want to hide the cuts, right? Well the best place to hide them would be my inner thighs and that just wouldn't work. I'm a big girl and my thighs rub together, therefore, I'd bleed to death because with the friction from walking, the cuts would continuously reopen and never heal. CRAZY.
I dont know which is worse, the fact that I openly admit to my thighs rubbing or the fact that this is the kind of shit that runs through my mind. (are ya'll catching on to the blog title now, I mean it's like a warning or disclaimer or something: Empty thoughts...definitely not intense stuff normally, lol)
All jokes aside though...I've known several "cutters" in my lifetime. They all seemed to cut for different reasons, but the same reason overall--it's difficult to explain. I don't get it, but hey whatever works for ya, you know...The moral of the story is that I decided a long time ago that cutting would never work for me.
I figured that if I was going to be a cutter, I'd want to hide the cuts, right? Well the best place to hide them would be my inner thighs and that just wouldn't work. I'm a big girl and my thighs rub together, therefore, I'd bleed to death because with the friction from walking, the cuts would continuously reopen and never heal. CRAZY.
I dont know which is worse, the fact that I openly admit to my thighs rubbing or the fact that this is the kind of shit that runs through my mind. (are ya'll catching on to the blog title now, I mean it's like a warning or disclaimer or something: Empty thoughts...definitely not intense stuff normally, lol)
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
A picture game
I stole the idea for this post from http://www.lesbianblogger08.com/ (I'm still trying to figure out how to do the cool link thing where you just click on their name and it takes you there...baby steps) Anyway, what you do is post a picture that relates to each of the headings...
Let's have fun shall we :)
A photo of you with someone you love (me and Jen...She's beautiful...)
A photo of you showing off a new haircut/haircolor (one of my fave hairdo's and I did it myself...a few months ago)
A photo of a time in your life that is over, but you wish wasn't (Pepper the first day I got her, she weighed 3.4 pounds...cutie--granted she grew up to be such a great dog)
A photo of how you'd like to spend everyday of the rest of your life (Anything having to do with the beach, especially Hatteras, NC)
A photo of you during a time in your life that is over and you are happy is over (I'm not in this photo, but let me just tell you, my sister is officially the worst DD ever...even the EMT said so, lol, none of use were hurt too badly thank goodness...I was in the passenger seat, ugh)
A photo that makes your heart smile (I didn't set this up, I got out of the car and noticed it in the sand and it just made me happy...)
A photo from one of the best nights of your life (Me and my gay boy Joey in Nashville Jan '07)
A picture of you making a funny face (it never fails...I get a buzz and make the duck billed platypus face...)
A photo of you on your birthday (#27, May '08)
A photo of you being ridiculous (Jan '09 flew to Colorado to meet Jen's parents...we went into town and I found the Elmer Fudd hat to rock...)
A photo of you being your true self (My sister and I Christmas '08)
A photo of you REALLY drunk (middle of the night Nashville '07...I love that scarf...it's my super gay scarf and it goes everywhere with me in the winter time)
The end..thanks for playin'
Warehouse Fabulosity
So my boss called me yesterday to tell me that the projected date for my Weres training is going to be at the end of July. What is that? What does that mean?
That my friends means that I have a two day class here on site (that my company is paying for me to go to, $1500ish)--when it is over, I will be certified to not only operate equipment, but to train others as well :) YAY!! This is something they have been talking about for almost a year and it looks like its finally on its way of happening perhaps.
I will be an official Trainer for RT/DRT, WR, SP, F3/F4 (for those of ya'll not up on the warehouse lingo, that's Reach and Double Reach trucks, Walkie riders (pallet jacks you can ride basically), Stock picker (also known as a Cherry Picker), and sit down and stand up forklifts.
THIS IS SOOOOO EXCITING.
That my friends means that I have a two day class here on site (that my company is paying for me to go to, $1500ish)--when it is over, I will be certified to not only operate equipment, but to train others as well :) YAY!! This is something they have been talking about for almost a year and it looks like its finally on its way of happening perhaps.
I will be an official Trainer for RT/DRT, WR, SP, F3/F4 (for those of ya'll not up on the warehouse lingo, that's Reach and Double Reach trucks, Walkie riders (pallet jacks you can ride basically), Stock picker (also known as a Cherry Picker), and sit down and stand up forklifts.
THIS IS SOOOOO EXCITING.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Alpha Sigma Lambda
So I went to see Gma this afternoon and show her the letter that I got telling me about being eligible for the National Honor Society. She was so excited and was like, hell yeah...when is graduation she asked..."October," I replied...she was even more stoked then knowing she'd be up and walking by then...
She looked at me with her big Gma grin and said I'm proud of you. I couldnt help but smile and be proud of myself too. I mean shit, this degree (my bachelor's in BIZNAZ management) has been ten years in the making...So exciting.
I was walking to the car and I remember thinking to myself, Grandpa would be so proud of me if he was alive....(my eyes watered up). It's hard to believe that he's been gone for four and a half years and thinking about him still makes me miss him and get a little sad knowing he isnt here.
Sidebar: I started doing research online looking into MBA programs...i got tired just skimming through the shit...there's a lot of work that goes into getting your Masters and even more just getting accepted into a program...ugh...guess I need to figure out what my next step is.
She looked at me with her big Gma grin and said I'm proud of you. I couldnt help but smile and be proud of myself too. I mean shit, this degree (my bachelor's in BIZNAZ management) has been ten years in the making...So exciting.
I was walking to the car and I remember thinking to myself, Grandpa would be so proud of me if he was alive....(my eyes watered up). It's hard to believe that he's been gone for four and a half years and thinking about him still makes me miss him and get a little sad knowing he isnt here.
Sidebar: I started doing research online looking into MBA programs...i got tired just skimming through the shit...there's a lot of work that goes into getting your Masters and even more just getting accepted into a program...ugh...guess I need to figure out what my next step is.
The roof is on fire
My mom has shingles and every time I think about it, that song..."the roof, the roof, the roof is on fire..." pops in my head.
I feel bad for my mom. Today she had a situation occur that actually really upset her and who likes seeing their mom upset (NOT ME). Her "best friend's" real dad was in town and my mom told her friend that she wanted to meet him. Well her friend blew my mom off yesterday saying they had lunch plans (even though it turns out they didn't go to lunch after all, they stayed home). Today, my mom rearranged her schedule to accomodate her friend and when her friend finally called her, she went over.
She gets there and her friend is acting weird, and the dad and step mom came out of the room for like a split second, my mom reached her hand out to shake his hand and he barely touched her fingertips, much less hand, and then hauled ass back to the room.
Mom's feelings were hurt because apparently, Her friend told her parents about mom having shingles and they were all super paranoid they were going to get it. Mom was mortified. She had been treated like a leper and she's not even contagious (per her doctor) unless in the rare instance that you've never had chicken pocks and you touch an open pock thing that she has (which are covered anyway so what the fuck)...
Mom's whole point was, if you knew they were worried about getting it, why not just say so and avoid the embarrassment that came with being treated as if she was a person with a debilitating skin disorder or disease in general.
My poor mom. I told her she needed to divorce that friend years ago (and tell her frequently still)...its wierd because this friend is so self centered and my mom is always there for her and the minute my mom needs someone to talk to, the friend always says shit like, well if it doesnt affect me directly then I dont give a shit....what the fuck.
I still love her shingles and all.
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. The roof the roof the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the mother fucker burn....burn mother fucker burn.
I feel bad for my mom. Today she had a situation occur that actually really upset her and who likes seeing their mom upset (NOT ME). Her "best friend's" real dad was in town and my mom told her friend that she wanted to meet him. Well her friend blew my mom off yesterday saying they had lunch plans (even though it turns out they didn't go to lunch after all, they stayed home). Today, my mom rearranged her schedule to accomodate her friend and when her friend finally called her, she went over.
She gets there and her friend is acting weird, and the dad and step mom came out of the room for like a split second, my mom reached her hand out to shake his hand and he barely touched her fingertips, much less hand, and then hauled ass back to the room.
Mom's feelings were hurt because apparently, Her friend told her parents about mom having shingles and they were all super paranoid they were going to get it. Mom was mortified. She had been treated like a leper and she's not even contagious (per her doctor) unless in the rare instance that you've never had chicken pocks and you touch an open pock thing that she has (which are covered anyway so what the fuck)...
Mom's whole point was, if you knew they were worried about getting it, why not just say so and avoid the embarrassment that came with being treated as if she was a person with a debilitating skin disorder or disease in general.
My poor mom. I told her she needed to divorce that friend years ago (and tell her frequently still)...its wierd because this friend is so self centered and my mom is always there for her and the minute my mom needs someone to talk to, the friend always says shit like, well if it doesnt affect me directly then I dont give a shit....what the fuck.
I still love her shingles and all.
The roof, the roof, the roof is on fire. The roof the roof the roof is on fire, we don't need no water let the mother fucker burn....burn mother fucker burn.
guilty pleasure
I have a confession. Today's guilty pleasure caught me in my car, windows down, middle of my small town--straight up jammin'/rocking out, and singing at the top of my lungs to: 4 NON-BLONDES...
Everyone join in...
"I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get REAL HIGH...."
What's going on?...
Such a great song. Good stuff.
Everyone join in...
"I step outside and I take a deep breath and I get REAL HIGH...."
What's going on?...
Such a great song. Good stuff.
draggin' ass
I am so effin' tired right now it's not even funny. I'm glad I got a lot accomplished last night, but I stayed up way later than I should have two nights in a row and had to get up super early the following mornings.
Today I can't go home and nap--I need to clean Gma's part of the house (2 months worth of cobwebs down at her end of the house, a space that's just hers), clean all of the bathrooms, again, none of which I use, but I just gross from basically just chillin'...I just have to retouch the kitchen since thats been cleaned and recleaned since her accident...I do use that room.
Id like to make her a cake...maybe something from scratch, but I also have two finals that still need to be done, so I have to decide whether to bake and clean and go to bed early or spend another day (tomorrow) struggling from the lack of sleep catching up with me.
Ridiculous. I just wanna go curl up and take a nap.
Today I can't go home and nap--I need to clean Gma's part of the house (2 months worth of cobwebs down at her end of the house, a space that's just hers), clean all of the bathrooms, again, none of which I use, but I just gross from basically just chillin'...I just have to retouch the kitchen since thats been cleaned and recleaned since her accident...I do use that room.
Id like to make her a cake...maybe something from scratch, but I also have two finals that still need to be done, so I have to decide whether to bake and clean and go to bed early or spend another day (tomorrow) struggling from the lack of sleep catching up with me.
Ridiculous. I just wanna go curl up and take a nap.
It's official--I'm a nerd
So it became official yesterday when I pulled up to the mailbox to grab the mail and began opening it on my way down the lane--looking up intermittenly to avoid running over a squirrel or rabbit, or a donkey, goat, or horse that may have escaped from their pen...
I got to a letter that was from my school--opening it, wishing it was a refund check for tuition or something, knowing damn good and well it wasn't...though the contents were a lovely surprise.
It was a letter informing me that I am eligible to wear a special cord on Graduation Day (my last three classes run from July 6 to Sept 29, with granduation sometime in October)--exciting. Apparently, Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society is inviting me to become a member because of my academic acheivements (the requirement is a minimum of a 3.2 average).
I was pretty stoked. This whole time I've been getting more and more burned out and just ready to be done with this shit....and I hadn't really given a second thought to walking in the commencement service....NOW however I'm kind of stoked by the concept...
Yes folks, My name is Tommy and I'm a documented NERD :)
I got to a letter that was from my school--opening it, wishing it was a refund check for tuition or something, knowing damn good and well it wasn't...though the contents were a lovely surprise.
It was a letter informing me that I am eligible to wear a special cord on Graduation Day (my last three classes run from July 6 to Sept 29, with granduation sometime in October)--exciting. Apparently, Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society is inviting me to become a member because of my academic acheivements (the requirement is a minimum of a 3.2 average).
I was pretty stoked. This whole time I've been getting more and more burned out and just ready to be done with this shit....and I hadn't really given a second thought to walking in the commencement service....NOW however I'm kind of stoked by the concept...
Yes folks, My name is Tommy and I'm a documented NERD :)
Monday, June 22, 2009
Homicide
So in the midst of writing papers this weekend, contemplating taking my finals, and doing grandma's laundry, I found myself stressed (like usual).
I went to the gas station, bought a Take 5 candy bar (which I didn't need but I was jonesing for chocolate), a rice krispy treat, and a Dr. Pepper.
I'm happy to report that I devoured the take five, and the rice krispy treat, but the Dr. Pepper remained unopened in the refrigerator until Jen got to my house and drank it with dinner.
Yes folks, today marks my no soda attempt at 2 WHOLE WEEKS! And to be quite honest with you, I would kill for a soda right now....not even kidding. Fucking a.
I went to the gas station, bought a Take 5 candy bar (which I didn't need but I was jonesing for chocolate), a rice krispy treat, and a Dr. Pepper.
I'm happy to report that I devoured the take five, and the rice krispy treat, but the Dr. Pepper remained unopened in the refrigerator until Jen got to my house and drank it with dinner.
Yes folks, today marks my no soda attempt at 2 WHOLE WEEKS! And to be quite honest with you, I would kill for a soda right now....not even kidding. Fucking a.
funny story
So last night my sister came over and we were all sitting in the living room talking when the random topic of gas came up. Granted my sister is 7 months pregnant, but she's always been known to fart A LOT...and most times she doesn't care who she's around.
So at the end of one of Mandi's stories, Jen looks over at her and says..."Yeah, I farted on Tommy's stomach earlier." (we were cuddling and she totally let one rip)
So in my defense I shared with Mandi that I had farted in Jen's crotch to get her back (cuddling once again, but she was holding me this time)
When my sister, without missing a beat looks at me and says, "Tommy, didn't anyone ever tell you not to shit where you eat."
I thought we were all going to pee ourselves for real. Too funny.
So at the end of one of Mandi's stories, Jen looks over at her and says..."Yeah, I farted on Tommy's stomach earlier." (we were cuddling and she totally let one rip)
So in my defense I shared with Mandi that I had farted in Jen's crotch to get her back (cuddling once again, but she was holding me this time)
When my sister, without missing a beat looks at me and says, "Tommy, didn't anyone ever tell you not to shit where you eat."
I thought we were all going to pee ourselves for real. Too funny.
Peaceful
I stayed up late last night helping my sister write a paper. By help I mean wrote it for her. By her I mean for the guy that's paying her to take the course for him (its an online Statistics class)...by far my least favorite subject, but I was able to bullshit some stuff about the application of standard deviation in everyday life.
I walked Pepper for one last time a little before one this morning and came upstairs to see that Jen had packed up my laptop for me so it was ready to be grabbed on my way out the door for work and was straightening up and turning off lights in the living room. That made me smile.
I had spent a good portion of the day switching the bedroom to the living room and the living room to the bedroom (it's really two bedrooms but I have it set up like my own little apartment upstairs at grandma's)--yes, that's how I roll.
So anyway, my intention was to also clean and organize the bedroom and perhaps work on some finals, but instead my sister called and I of course said yes. I'm making her give me twenty bucks though for the use of my bullshitting capabilities.
Tonight I'll have to take pepper for a walk, clean and organize the bedroom, perhaps hip hop ab it, and do a final or two....because tomorrow I'll have to clean the entire downstairs after work because Gma will be coming home for her birthday, just for the day to get her away from the old folks home.
Anyway, I digress--the point of this blog was to share how I felt when I got up this morning. I had only had a few hours of sleep which of course always sucks and leaves me dragging in general, but this morning was sort of different. I still haven't hung the curtains back up where I took them down to wash them so it was nice, bright, and sunshine-y....I realized that I was kind of freezing my ass off, because I had kicked off the covers. I looked over a Jen who was sleeping peacefully, snuggled under the covers. I could feel pepper curled up in the fold of my legs...(I generally sleep on my side), but the funny part was that Pepper had somehow managed to get under the covers, but there were none on me. I don't understand it because I was technically in between Jen and pepper and I was the only one not covered up. Oh well...the situation just made me smile. I hit the snooze button, looked at pepper who held her head up enough to say..."mom, don't rush...I don't have to pee yet," put my hand on Jen and slept for another nine minutes of my life. Oh how I love the snooze button.
Anwyay, I don't know exactly which part of waking up this morning put a smile on my face and put me a very happy go lucky peaceful demeanor--Jen being there or the dog curled up in the blankets just like Jen was...but whatever is repsonsible for it...I'm completely okay with.
I walked Pepper for one last time a little before one this morning and came upstairs to see that Jen had packed up my laptop for me so it was ready to be grabbed on my way out the door for work and was straightening up and turning off lights in the living room. That made me smile.
I had spent a good portion of the day switching the bedroom to the living room and the living room to the bedroom (it's really two bedrooms but I have it set up like my own little apartment upstairs at grandma's)--yes, that's how I roll.
So anyway, my intention was to also clean and organize the bedroom and perhaps work on some finals, but instead my sister called and I of course said yes. I'm making her give me twenty bucks though for the use of my bullshitting capabilities.
Tonight I'll have to take pepper for a walk, clean and organize the bedroom, perhaps hip hop ab it, and do a final or two....because tomorrow I'll have to clean the entire downstairs after work because Gma will be coming home for her birthday, just for the day to get her away from the old folks home.
Anyway, I digress--the point of this blog was to share how I felt when I got up this morning. I had only had a few hours of sleep which of course always sucks and leaves me dragging in general, but this morning was sort of different. I still haven't hung the curtains back up where I took them down to wash them so it was nice, bright, and sunshine-y....I realized that I was kind of freezing my ass off, because I had kicked off the covers. I looked over a Jen who was sleeping peacefully, snuggled under the covers. I could feel pepper curled up in the fold of my legs...(I generally sleep on my side), but the funny part was that Pepper had somehow managed to get under the covers, but there were none on me. I don't understand it because I was technically in between Jen and pepper and I was the only one not covered up. Oh well...the situation just made me smile. I hit the snooze button, looked at pepper who held her head up enough to say..."mom, don't rush...I don't have to pee yet," put my hand on Jen and slept for another nine minutes of my life. Oh how I love the snooze button.
Anwyay, I don't know exactly which part of waking up this morning put a smile on my face and put me a very happy go lucky peaceful demeanor--Jen being there or the dog curled up in the blankets just like Jen was...but whatever is repsonsible for it...I'm completely okay with.
Friday, June 19, 2009
grandma pre-stroke concerns
So as it turns out I think my mom is trying to kill my grandmother. Just to catch everyone up Gma fell at the end of April breaking her femur, so a week following she was moved into a nursing home where she could do rehab and heal. She can't put weight on her leg for 10 to 12 weeks....and its been about eight so far Id say. So anyway, mom has been trying to organize Gmas areas of the house because she's a packrat and has stupid shit just piled everywhere.
I live with Gma and keep the house clean but I have given up on Gma's clutter because it stresses me out to think about it and the minute I throw something away she looks for it. We are talking everything from ketchup packets, dairy queen kid's meal bags, obituaries that she's cut out over the years, piles and piles of shit in general that just needs to be pitched.) So mom has cleaned Gma's bedroom and organized her closet and has pitched shit left and right....its a total transformation. In addition, mom also cleared off her desk which before didnt even have space enough to work at or even write out a check (now is spotless with all kinds of open space)...
For Gma's 79th birthday on Wednesday the 24th (exactly 2 months after her fall) mom is bringing Gma home for the day just to get away from the nursing home and get an idea of how its going to be wheeling around her house in a wheel chair and so forth...
She's due to officially be back home on July 3rd. Exciting (I'm so tired of going the effin nursing home everyday)--though the old people love me it seems...Its just a damn shame that Gma is going to make it home to finish her recovery after a traumatic incident like her fall, only to have a stroke because all of her shit has been thrown away.
Yep...mom is trying to kill her (Gma is my dad's mom by the way)...it got to the point where the other day mom gave Gma a disclaimer and said, "look this is going to sound ugly but we can clean it now or do it after your dead and just toss it to the side and not even go through it or care, at least this way you'll be able to enjoy your stuff and your space...."
Effin Crucial....hence my pre-stroke concerns
I live with Gma and keep the house clean but I have given up on Gma's clutter because it stresses me out to think about it and the minute I throw something away she looks for it. We are talking everything from ketchup packets, dairy queen kid's meal bags, obituaries that she's cut out over the years, piles and piles of shit in general that just needs to be pitched.) So mom has cleaned Gma's bedroom and organized her closet and has pitched shit left and right....its a total transformation. In addition, mom also cleared off her desk which before didnt even have space enough to work at or even write out a check (now is spotless with all kinds of open space)...
For Gma's 79th birthday on Wednesday the 24th (exactly 2 months after her fall) mom is bringing Gma home for the day just to get away from the nursing home and get an idea of how its going to be wheeling around her house in a wheel chair and so forth...
She's due to officially be back home on July 3rd. Exciting (I'm so tired of going the effin nursing home everyday)--though the old people love me it seems...Its just a damn shame that Gma is going to make it home to finish her recovery after a traumatic incident like her fall, only to have a stroke because all of her shit has been thrown away.
Yep...mom is trying to kill her (Gma is my dad's mom by the way)...it got to the point where the other day mom gave Gma a disclaimer and said, "look this is going to sound ugly but we can clean it now or do it after your dead and just toss it to the side and not even go through it or care, at least this way you'll be able to enjoy your stuff and your space...."
Effin Crucial....hence my pre-stroke concerns
Dr. Pepper
I'm almost at the two week mark with having no soda. My record is 18 days soda free. You see, if I were a normal person I would drink a diet soda or something from time to time, but I normally cannot have just one soda...then the diet ones turn into the full fledged ones and well its all downhill from there.
I'm like a crackhead fiending crack right now (only my crack is Dr. Pepper or Pepsi...poured in a glass over ice)--granted I don't see myself doing anything as crucial as trading sexual favors with my dealer in order to get some....I'm really just trying to stick to my guns. I dunno...
Sometimes I question my way of thinking...and try and remember why I stop or start doing different things. In this case I'll just wait it out....
The bad part is that I'm now having dreams where I forget I'm not drinking soda and I take a drink of a soda and swallow it before realizing that I had quit...then I get really bummed out and feel guilty, start to cry, and think about how I failed...not really cool dreams at all... all over some damn soda.
I'm like a crackhead fiending crack right now (only my crack is Dr. Pepper or Pepsi...poured in a glass over ice)--granted I don't see myself doing anything as crucial as trading sexual favors with my dealer in order to get some....I'm really just trying to stick to my guns. I dunno...
Sometimes I question my way of thinking...and try and remember why I stop or start doing different things. In this case I'll just wait it out....
The bad part is that I'm now having dreams where I forget I'm not drinking soda and I take a drink of a soda and swallow it before realizing that I had quit...then I get really bummed out and feel guilty, start to cry, and think about how I failed...not really cool dreams at all... all over some damn soda.
funny
So I just watched Grandma's boy and I remembered my favorite line...when the grandma is stoned and she's like "I can hear my hair growing...." HILARIOUS...
Thursday, June 18, 2009
Playing dress up
Pepper had spent ALL day playing with Earl (mom's dog) and then Jen came over and played ball with her, wearing her out that much more....she was soo tired that she just laid their while Jen played dress up with her...to include socks on her front paws, posed with remote, a tshirt and boxers with her tail through the weenie window...its sad sometimes the stuff that amuses us :) cheap date....lol.Jen and I
I love Jen.
We are such a hot ass "power couple" as she says....(translates to damn we're hot--especially her)...I can't help but look at her and just wanna do dirty dirty things to her...
But she's great on soooo many levels....I just fucking love her.
Pulled over
So I went to walmart with my sister this evening. I should have been doing homework, but that seems to be the story of my life....
So anyway, she pulls up in the driveway (which is way out in the country)...corn fields, soybeans, peanuts...I mean hell of the love of christ, you have to pass donkeys and goats to even get to my driveway... but I digress....
so we pull up in the driveway and Mandi freaks out...she was like "jesus christ am I getting pulled over..." I look at her now 7 month pregnant ass and think, are you fucking kidding me. She started laughing when she realized what she had said....she had seen the reflection of the lightning on the garage and thought it was police lights....
It then dawned on her that the odds of us getting pulled over in the driveway were slim...unless the game warden decided to write you a ticket for running over a frog.
Apparently momnesia the newest thing that I have to deal with when dealing with my sister or hanging out with her....lol...good times.
So anyway, she pulls up in the driveway (which is way out in the country)...corn fields, soybeans, peanuts...I mean hell of the love of christ, you have to pass donkeys and goats to even get to my driveway... but I digress....
so we pull up in the driveway and Mandi freaks out...she was like "jesus christ am I getting pulled over..." I look at her now 7 month pregnant ass and think, are you fucking kidding me. She started laughing when she realized what she had said....she had seen the reflection of the lightning on the garage and thought it was police lights....
It then dawned on her that the odds of us getting pulled over in the driveway were slim...unless the game warden decided to write you a ticket for running over a frog.
Apparently momnesia the newest thing that I have to deal with when dealing with my sister or hanging out with her....lol...good times.
Retail therapy
So I don't work for, but work onsite for one of the Cost Plus World Market Distribution Centers. SO I helped out yesterday and today to set up all boxes and break down pallets for the sample sale that was scheduled for today.
Each round was 10 minutes...the first and second rounds were $10 for everything you could fit in the bag and carry out in your arms. The third round was five bucks, then two rounds that were $1 each and finally the last being whatever you could grab FOR FREE. It was the best retail therapy experience of my life!!!
I spent $22 bucks total and I got: (and yes I'm listing like almost everything because ya'll just have to understand how fabulous it was)
21 Decorative pillows
3 medium paintings
1 huge wall painting
a set of two vintage looking storage/decorative suitcases
dog bed
ottoman
like 15 large eco-friendly gift bags
duvet cover
curtains
wine rack
6 glasses with various ale logos
storage box
12 small jars with cool lids (for craft organization)
like 18 wine glasses (various styles)
2 decorative lanterns (blow glass)
like 9 random coffee mugs (one that says Tommy's Coffee brand...) Perfect for me
a set of dishes with cups bowls med and large plates
coasters out the ying yang
carved bird statue
2 hippos carved out of wood
random storage boxes
cork screw
Book titled: Karma
tea kettle
liquor shaker
set of three baskets
random christmas ornaments
2 linen/wire lanterns
wine bottle tins
clear vase/candle holder thing
rolling pin
wood basket
and
2 bamboo mini blinds
Only downside: I drive a 2 door Hyundai Tiburon....let's just say it was a cramped ride home, haha.
Each round was 10 minutes...the first and second rounds were $10 for everything you could fit in the bag and carry out in your arms. The third round was five bucks, then two rounds that were $1 each and finally the last being whatever you could grab FOR FREE. It was the best retail therapy experience of my life!!!
I spent $22 bucks total and I got: (and yes I'm listing like almost everything because ya'll just have to understand how fabulous it was)
21 Decorative pillows
3 medium paintings
1 huge wall painting
a set of two vintage looking storage/decorative suitcases
dog bed
ottoman
like 15 large eco-friendly gift bags
duvet cover
curtains
wine rack
6 glasses with various ale logos
storage box
12 small jars with cool lids (for craft organization)
like 18 wine glasses (various styles)
2 decorative lanterns (blow glass)
like 9 random coffee mugs (one that says Tommy's Coffee brand...) Perfect for me
a set of dishes with cups bowls med and large plates
coasters out the ying yang
carved bird statue
2 hippos carved out of wood
random storage boxes
cork screw
Book titled: Karma
tea kettle
liquor shaker
set of three baskets
random christmas ornaments
2 linen/wire lanterns
wine bottle tins
clear vase/candle holder thing
rolling pin
wood basket
and
2 bamboo mini blinds
Only downside: I drive a 2 door Hyundai Tiburon....let's just say it was a cramped ride home, haha.
Wednesday, June 17, 2009
Procrastination station
So anyone who knows me knows that I am the world's worst procrastinator. This week as always it's in the homework department. I have paper to write (5 pages), a case analysis on Hewlett-Packard for Biznaz class (which will be several pages and include a SWOT analyis, IFE and EFE matrix among other really dumb business related components I'll probably never use directly), discussions, current event assignments and what not. Sure, doesn't seem like a lot but it kind of is. Especially since Finals start on Friday and Saturday. Three of the mother fuckers, two of which are essay and discussion form....eww.
So anyway--I need to get them done so that I have a longer break between now and my next set of classes that start on July 6th.
On a random happy note...the ten page paper I had due for POL 300 last week (that I did in part of a day) got me an A....can I get a hell yeah.
Good times. Maybe Jen will come over tonight...I can think of things to help me procrastinate on homework that she could certainly be a part of....but I won't get into that right now "wink, wink"
So anyway--I need to get them done so that I have a longer break between now and my next set of classes that start on July 6th.
On a random happy note...the ten page paper I had due for POL 300 last week (that I did in part of a day) got me an A....can I get a hell yeah.
Good times. Maybe Jen will come over tonight...I can think of things to help me procrastinate on homework that she could certainly be a part of....but I won't get into that right now "wink, wink"
A great analogy
So this guy I work with is pretty awesome. For the longest time I figured he was gay, turns out the "gayness" I was picking up on was just him being one of those quirky sort of weird (but in a good way) kind of dudes. He's straight but family friendly so he's alright in my book. I went into his office yesterday just to vent about the workplace in general and he shed some interesting light on the situation, but I digress.
Just a few minutes ago, he comes into my office to take a turn venting and tells me he's had the worst morning ever. I of course asked why? what happened? And he tells me that he's having one of those kind of mornings that's like:
You drop your purse in 7th grade on the first day of your first period and tampons and maxipads go spilling out in front of everyone and to make matters worse one of the maxi pads became unwrapped during the fall and somehow managed to stick to the desk and/or forehead of your really cute hot guy crush a couple of rows over....MORTIFYING...lol.
I almost stopped listening when he said it's like dropping your purse because I don't carry one, lol...but I'm glad I stayed focus because the analogy he gave kinda sorta made my day. For the record his wife makes some really bad ass peanut butter cookies....mmmm
Just a few minutes ago, he comes into my office to take a turn venting and tells me he's had the worst morning ever. I of course asked why? what happened? And he tells me that he's having one of those kind of mornings that's like:
You drop your purse in 7th grade on the first day of your first period and tampons and maxipads go spilling out in front of everyone and to make matters worse one of the maxi pads became unwrapped during the fall and somehow managed to stick to the desk and/or forehead of your really cute hot guy crush a couple of rows over....MORTIFYING...lol.
I almost stopped listening when he said it's like dropping your purse because I don't carry one, lol...but I'm glad I stayed focus because the analogy he gave kinda sorta made my day. For the record his wife makes some really bad ass peanut butter cookies....mmmm
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I had a break through
So I had a break through (I can't even remember if that is one word or two right now, but I digress). The other day I wrote a blog (which is what I do, I vent via blog, as well as ramble, and whatever else) but anyway--it was mean. I was just venting, but I was so pissed and I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts in any other way other than that form the other day.
It seemed like everytime I went to talk to Jen about things I'd get sidetracked or pissy because the conversation was dragging on (I'm not big on spending time talking about serious stuff like feelings or relationships). So anyway I wrote this what turned out to be really evil blog in her eyes, which looking back was pretty fucked up but I think it also helped us in the long run as well as me have this breakthrough that I'm trying to write about.
You see, Jen and I have been together for a little over seven months now and here recently it seemed like something was off. Between our different work schedules, me always being tired and spread entirely too thin, and her dealing with things in her life, it's like we lost each other as well as our "spark" along the way. Things felt like they were being done out of habit or obligation and no longer just because it was the right or nice thing to do.
Jen and I talked the other day and I finally admitted to just needing some space to collect my thoughts and make it through all the school work I have right now plus upcoming finals. Okay we agreed upon a few things and moved on...or so we thought.
It wasn't until she came over on Sunday after playing a couple of games on the Wii at my moms house that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's like we always talk about stuff but it never gets resolved or we never actually move on to the next topic, we hang on to whatever happened before trying to analyze it prevent it from happening again, all while causing something else to become an issue....
This relationship stuff is effing hard sometimes. I've never been a fan of working at things, especially things that I just don't feel like should be work. I'd much rather use my energy having fun--not being miserable and always trying to work at shit...
So anyway--I flipped. I was like, how can you not feel how awkward it is right now with the two of us alone in this room. We had barely two words to say to the other and the few words we could muster seemed to be forced and poorly scripted.
It was then that I admitted not only to myself but to Jen that I was sabotaging our realationship--though not on purpose. Ive been analyzing past relationships and trying to figure shit out and I'm the only common factor in all of them going wrong. I find reasons to nit pick and point out things that are supposedly wrong and what have you and all the negative bubbles and boils from my insides until the outcome is me just ending the relationship because I'm fed up, when in reality the other person hasn't done shit wrong, I'm just crazy and like causing drama apparently.
Jen pointed out that she deserves to be treated better and isn't going to tolerate that shit and what have you and long story short we made up. We finally made some progress...our spark is back, there is no awkwardness at all...we are back to like it was in the very beginning, only the sex is even better, lol.
Nice. I'm kind of a grown up now I guess in the relationship department at least.
It seemed like everytime I went to talk to Jen about things I'd get sidetracked or pissy because the conversation was dragging on (I'm not big on spending time talking about serious stuff like feelings or relationships). So anyway I wrote this what turned out to be really evil blog in her eyes, which looking back was pretty fucked up but I think it also helped us in the long run as well as me have this breakthrough that I'm trying to write about.
You see, Jen and I have been together for a little over seven months now and here recently it seemed like something was off. Between our different work schedules, me always being tired and spread entirely too thin, and her dealing with things in her life, it's like we lost each other as well as our "spark" along the way. Things felt like they were being done out of habit or obligation and no longer just because it was the right or nice thing to do.
Jen and I talked the other day and I finally admitted to just needing some space to collect my thoughts and make it through all the school work I have right now plus upcoming finals. Okay we agreed upon a few things and moved on...or so we thought.
It wasn't until she came over on Sunday after playing a couple of games on the Wii at my moms house that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's like we always talk about stuff but it never gets resolved or we never actually move on to the next topic, we hang on to whatever happened before trying to analyze it prevent it from happening again, all while causing something else to become an issue....
This relationship stuff is effing hard sometimes. I've never been a fan of working at things, especially things that I just don't feel like should be work. I'd much rather use my energy having fun--not being miserable and always trying to work at shit...
So anyway--I flipped. I was like, how can you not feel how awkward it is right now with the two of us alone in this room. We had barely two words to say to the other and the few words we could muster seemed to be forced and poorly scripted.
It was then that I admitted not only to myself but to Jen that I was sabotaging our realationship--though not on purpose. Ive been analyzing past relationships and trying to figure shit out and I'm the only common factor in all of them going wrong. I find reasons to nit pick and point out things that are supposedly wrong and what have you and all the negative bubbles and boils from my insides until the outcome is me just ending the relationship because I'm fed up, when in reality the other person hasn't done shit wrong, I'm just crazy and like causing drama apparently.
Jen pointed out that she deserves to be treated better and isn't going to tolerate that shit and what have you and long story short we made up. We finally made some progress...our spark is back, there is no awkwardness at all...we are back to like it was in the very beginning, only the sex is even better, lol.
Nice. I'm kind of a grown up now I guess in the relationship department at least.
The definition of insanity
The definition of insanity is basically doing the same thing over and over and expecting different results. With that said, I'm officially insane.
Once again I found myself sitting in the chair, looking in the mirror and explaining to the girl exactly how I wanted my hair to be (the final product if you will), I used very plain words and explained it in two different ways--First, as a skilled cosmetologist using the technical jargon and fun stuff and Second, as a regular person using laymen's terms in order to increase my chances of being understood.
What it boils down to is that my hair is finally growing out from the latest buzz cut (a 2 guard all the way around)--I go around thinking I look like GI Jane and then my sister points out that I look more like Pugsly Adams from the freaking Adams family (you know, they're crazy and they're cooky they're all a little spooky....) It was finally long enough that I could have pulled it through a cap and had highlights on the top (ya'll know where this is going right...)
So I tell her let's do a 4 guard on the sides and then work that down in the back to a 1. I DO NOT WANT THE TOP CUT...I'm quite happy with the length....she does the clipper cutting portion and I had asked if she would go around and texturize the top with thinning shears just so that it would spike better (it spiked okay, but it was really blocky) so before I know it this bitch has got regular scissors in her hand talking about I'm just going to blend it and I watch in horror as I go from hair the perfect length for Jen to grab in bed to like a centimenter longer than a fuckign buzz cut. Seriously, when I put my hands in it, barely anything stands past my fingers and what does is only because the shit is so even that I couldn't spike it even if there was enough to work with up their in the first place.
I'm so mad. I'm mad at myself most of all for going to get it cut when I knew I should've just done the shit myself. I generally cut my own hair and at least then it's up to my standards and it turns out that I listen to what I want....I've never been one of those women that was like, "OMG my hair..." but I'm becoming one just because I'm one fucking bad haircut away from going mother fucking postal.
And idiot me couldnt even say anything....I just sat there watching in horror....paid her and left because I knew had I said it out loud and acknowledged the fact that situation had just happened I would have taken the scissors out of her hand and gouged her eye balls out. Then i would have fucked up her hair merely out of principal.
I fucking quit. It's hair karma. Its because I quit doing hair all the time that this happens or something...i just don't get it. I know its just hair and it will grow back but really...this is effing ridiculous.
Once again I found myself sitting in the chair, looking in the mirror and explaining to the girl exactly how I wanted my hair to be (the final product if you will), I used very plain words and explained it in two different ways--First, as a skilled cosmetologist using the technical jargon and fun stuff and Second, as a regular person using laymen's terms in order to increase my chances of being understood.
What it boils down to is that my hair is finally growing out from the latest buzz cut (a 2 guard all the way around)--I go around thinking I look like GI Jane and then my sister points out that I look more like Pugsly Adams from the freaking Adams family (you know, they're crazy and they're cooky they're all a little spooky....) It was finally long enough that I could have pulled it through a cap and had highlights on the top (ya'll know where this is going right...)
So I tell her let's do a 4 guard on the sides and then work that down in the back to a 1. I DO NOT WANT THE TOP CUT...I'm quite happy with the length....she does the clipper cutting portion and I had asked if she would go around and texturize the top with thinning shears just so that it would spike better (it spiked okay, but it was really blocky) so before I know it this bitch has got regular scissors in her hand talking about I'm just going to blend it and I watch in horror as I go from hair the perfect length for Jen to grab in bed to like a centimenter longer than a fuckign buzz cut. Seriously, when I put my hands in it, barely anything stands past my fingers and what does is only because the shit is so even that I couldn't spike it even if there was enough to work with up their in the first place.
I'm so mad. I'm mad at myself most of all for going to get it cut when I knew I should've just done the shit myself. I generally cut my own hair and at least then it's up to my standards and it turns out that I listen to what I want....I've never been one of those women that was like, "OMG my hair..." but I'm becoming one just because I'm one fucking bad haircut away from going mother fucking postal.
And idiot me couldnt even say anything....I just sat there watching in horror....paid her and left because I knew had I said it out loud and acknowledged the fact that situation had just happened I would have taken the scissors out of her hand and gouged her eye balls out. Then i would have fucked up her hair merely out of principal.
I fucking quit. It's hair karma. Its because I quit doing hair all the time that this happens or something...i just don't get it. I know its just hair and it will grow back but really...this is effing ridiculous.
Why I will probably never win the lottery...
I have great intentions of what I would do upon winning millions of dollars:
I would:
-first of all split the ticket with my sister, brother, mom and dad, and Jen...that way they'd all have their own share of it and not have to borrow it from me, that way I'd also not be the only one getting taxed on it
-I'd buy a house/build my dream home either or depending on if I found one that was already built
-do the charity thing (probably a breast cancer one and something for kids...I dunno) Hell I'd be loaded so I could donate money to save the circus flea if I wanted to
The point is that I have good intentions (that expand beyond the few previously mentioned items) but the reason I know I will never when the lottery is because of the scene I would make when I tell everyone I don't have to work anymore (because I certainly would not, repeat, WOULD NOT work for a living anymore.)
I would travel and chill and be lazy and hire a personal trainer to whip me into shape, a chef to ensure I'm eating only what Im supposed to be...but more importantly, I just wouldn't work.
I don't hate my job by any means, but I just can't see myself being one of those people with an ass ton of money that still works....I don't work because i like it, i work because I don't have a choice.
I'd have a house in Maine for sure, (a summer home cuz its way to effing cold up there otherwise) I've never been but I think I was meant to be a Yankee when i was born. This whole southern thing doesn't work for me most of the time...not to mention my "drawl" has become more evident as Jen so lovingly called me out on the other day, lol.
Yep...I'm never going to win the lottery because I can see myself doing one of those, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you--I'm out" in many instances of my life.
Well the ticket is purchased...my way of contributing a dollar to the Virginia education fund....Yay
I would:
-first of all split the ticket with my sister, brother, mom and dad, and Jen...that way they'd all have their own share of it and not have to borrow it from me, that way I'd also not be the only one getting taxed on it
-I'd buy a house/build my dream home either or depending on if I found one that was already built
-do the charity thing (probably a breast cancer one and something for kids...I dunno) Hell I'd be loaded so I could donate money to save the circus flea if I wanted to
The point is that I have good intentions (that expand beyond the few previously mentioned items) but the reason I know I will never when the lottery is because of the scene I would make when I tell everyone I don't have to work anymore (because I certainly would not, repeat, WOULD NOT work for a living anymore.)
I would travel and chill and be lazy and hire a personal trainer to whip me into shape, a chef to ensure I'm eating only what Im supposed to be...but more importantly, I just wouldn't work.
I don't hate my job by any means, but I just can't see myself being one of those people with an ass ton of money that still works....I don't work because i like it, i work because I don't have a choice.
I'd have a house in Maine for sure, (a summer home cuz its way to effing cold up there otherwise) I've never been but I think I was meant to be a Yankee when i was born. This whole southern thing doesn't work for me most of the time...not to mention my "drawl" has become more evident as Jen so lovingly called me out on the other day, lol.
Yep...I'm never going to win the lottery because I can see myself doing one of those, "Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you, you're cool, fuck you--I'm out" in many instances of my life.
Well the ticket is purchased...my way of contributing a dollar to the Virginia education fund....Yay
Thursday, June 11, 2009
What do I want?
I've been asked a lot lately What do I want? What do I want in a relationship? What do I want in a girlfriend? What do I want in general? and to be honest, I'm kind of fed the hell up.
What do I want? I want shit to just go with the damn flow. When I have stuff on my mind I want to be able to get lost in my thoughts for a bit and it not "ruin" someone else's day. I want to be able to have an "off day" (which are actually normal for me) and it not be a "Oh shit...Tommy's having a moment thing." I don't have moments. If I'm freaking out over something or just off in general then its for reasons that are serious to me (you may view them as unimportant, but to me that matter.)
I want it to be okay if I don't laugh at everything you think is funny (because dammit, we aren't going to find all things amusing in the same sense.) I want to have my space without worrying about the fight thats going to come because I requested to do something on my own.
I want an independent relationship where I have a life, you have a life, and we have a life together--NOT I have a life sometimes and then all the rest of the time there you are. Sure that sounds harsh...but I want my girlfriend to have a life of her own--one where she goes out with friends from time to time, spends time with her son (when he's with her of course), plays ball to clear her head or just because she enjoys it, has a hobby or something to do and enjoy without me being around.
I want to not feel guilty if I procrastinate and put off homework until the weekend and it interferes with "us" time. I don't want to be forced to talk about shit when I dont want to or I'm not ready because this always results in me getting fed the fuck up and saying anything that will make the conversation come to a close (most of the time this will be off the wall really mean shit.) I want to be able to say the things that are on my mind and vent without it causing issues or make the other person pout for the next three to five days.
I don't want to be relied upon to tell you how great you are, or wonderful, or fabulous, or beautiful or whatever, because dammit I feel like you should know that shit already. I'm not going to just say shit to hear myself talk. I want you to be confident and know that you are fucking wonderful and not lose sight of that just because I don't say it. I want my actions to speak for themselves, whether that be a positive or negative manner.
Sometimes I just don't even want to think about shit much less be "nagged" about it all the time and be forced to participate in converstations that feel like nothing more than beating a dead horse. I don't want you to clean up because you think i'm pissed and at my wits end I want you to do it because you made a mess or you legitimately just want to help out. I don't want you to make efforts to revive a lost spark and do things out of the ordinary in hopes of turning things around...do them because you think that it's a nice thing to do.
I don't want to be the bad guy, nor do I want to keep dragging the bullshit on. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want to be changed or altered or anything of the sort. I stated from the beginning that I have mood issues (for a lack of better words) I let you know from the start that school and family are my priorities...why does everything seem to be an issue now? I haven't changed. I've been the same in my opinion.
I feel like here lately if I'm sick then you have to be sicker. If I'm going through a tough time then mine fails in comparison to what you're going through. I get to the point where I just want to yell shut up, I don't care. (Do I really mean that, probably not...)
The fact is that I do care, but the constant bullshit of "Tommy it sounds to me like you just want a friend" type scenario is rather played out. I'm sorry that's how you feel, but why can't you understand the concept that i'm suggesting.
I want it to be okay if I say I'm not up for company because I just want to sleep. (it makes no sense to have you come out to watch me sleep or whatever when its just going to make you bored like you normally are.
I'm tired of feeling angst. I'm tired of the fact that we are forcing this to work. I'm tired of working at it. I've got three papers to write, three weeks worth of studying/homework and three finals coming up only to start my last three classes...My hours have picked back up at work and really I'm just tired all the fucking time. I don't have the energy to continue to try and explain shit because you have questions. I'm in a very self centered state of mind right now and dammit I don't know how to snap out of it. I don't want to do things that seem like chores. I don't want to constantly explain myself or feel like you are checking up on me.
It bothers me that you always want to know who I'm texting or talking to like Im doing shit I shouldn't be. I've never done anything to make you not trust me!!! Never. What's with the damn spanish inquisistion all the time.
I dont want you to get jealous because I'm petting my dog and not rubbing you....
I guess what it all boils down to is despite me having a theory on nearly everything and having stated a good portion of all the shit that's on my mind right now....this will be read and the next question I hear will be "Tommy what do you want?" and this entire rant will have been in vain.
I don't fucking know what I want anymore. I just want to focus on school and try and pay my bills, and hang out with my friends from time to time (which to be honest I've neglected a great deal of them or put if off because it interfered with other things we were doing)... I want to come and go as I please as you put it. I don't know how you can misconstrue everything I say and twist it into something that sounds so entirely awful.
I want my cake and I want to eat it to. My fear is that you'll read this and take the wrong things from it. I rarely feel like "you get me" anymore. I feel like this whole thing is a waste.
I don't fucking know anything anymore and that's about as fucking honest as I can get. I just don't know. But rather than letting the shit take a natural course its like you're going to force me to discuss or make decisions and if that happens, neither one of us will like the outcome.
What do I want? I want shit to just go with the damn flow. When I have stuff on my mind I want to be able to get lost in my thoughts for a bit and it not "ruin" someone else's day. I want to be able to have an "off day" (which are actually normal for me) and it not be a "Oh shit...Tommy's having a moment thing." I don't have moments. If I'm freaking out over something or just off in general then its for reasons that are serious to me (you may view them as unimportant, but to me that matter.)
I want it to be okay if I don't laugh at everything you think is funny (because dammit, we aren't going to find all things amusing in the same sense.) I want to have my space without worrying about the fight thats going to come because I requested to do something on my own.
I want an independent relationship where I have a life, you have a life, and we have a life together--NOT I have a life sometimes and then all the rest of the time there you are. Sure that sounds harsh...but I want my girlfriend to have a life of her own--one where she goes out with friends from time to time, spends time with her son (when he's with her of course), plays ball to clear her head or just because she enjoys it, has a hobby or something to do and enjoy without me being around.
I want to not feel guilty if I procrastinate and put off homework until the weekend and it interferes with "us" time. I don't want to be forced to talk about shit when I dont want to or I'm not ready because this always results in me getting fed the fuck up and saying anything that will make the conversation come to a close (most of the time this will be off the wall really mean shit.) I want to be able to say the things that are on my mind and vent without it causing issues or make the other person pout for the next three to five days.
I don't want to be relied upon to tell you how great you are, or wonderful, or fabulous, or beautiful or whatever, because dammit I feel like you should know that shit already. I'm not going to just say shit to hear myself talk. I want you to be confident and know that you are fucking wonderful and not lose sight of that just because I don't say it. I want my actions to speak for themselves, whether that be a positive or negative manner.
Sometimes I just don't even want to think about shit much less be "nagged" about it all the time and be forced to participate in converstations that feel like nothing more than beating a dead horse. I don't want you to clean up because you think i'm pissed and at my wits end I want you to do it because you made a mess or you legitimately just want to help out. I don't want you to make efforts to revive a lost spark and do things out of the ordinary in hopes of turning things around...do them because you think that it's a nice thing to do.
I don't want to be the bad guy, nor do I want to keep dragging the bullshit on. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want to be changed or altered or anything of the sort. I stated from the beginning that I have mood issues (for a lack of better words) I let you know from the start that school and family are my priorities...why does everything seem to be an issue now? I haven't changed. I've been the same in my opinion.
I feel like here lately if I'm sick then you have to be sicker. If I'm going through a tough time then mine fails in comparison to what you're going through. I get to the point where I just want to yell shut up, I don't care. (Do I really mean that, probably not...)
The fact is that I do care, but the constant bullshit of "Tommy it sounds to me like you just want a friend" type scenario is rather played out. I'm sorry that's how you feel, but why can't you understand the concept that i'm suggesting.
I want it to be okay if I say I'm not up for company because I just want to sleep. (it makes no sense to have you come out to watch me sleep or whatever when its just going to make you bored like you normally are.
I'm tired of feeling angst. I'm tired of the fact that we are forcing this to work. I'm tired of working at it. I've got three papers to write, three weeks worth of studying/homework and three finals coming up only to start my last three classes...My hours have picked back up at work and really I'm just tired all the fucking time. I don't have the energy to continue to try and explain shit because you have questions. I'm in a very self centered state of mind right now and dammit I don't know how to snap out of it. I don't want to do things that seem like chores. I don't want to constantly explain myself or feel like you are checking up on me.
It bothers me that you always want to know who I'm texting or talking to like Im doing shit I shouldn't be. I've never done anything to make you not trust me!!! Never. What's with the damn spanish inquisistion all the time.
I dont want you to get jealous because I'm petting my dog and not rubbing you....
I guess what it all boils down to is despite me having a theory on nearly everything and having stated a good portion of all the shit that's on my mind right now....this will be read and the next question I hear will be "Tommy what do you want?" and this entire rant will have been in vain.
I don't fucking know what I want anymore. I just want to focus on school and try and pay my bills, and hang out with my friends from time to time (which to be honest I've neglected a great deal of them or put if off because it interfered with other things we were doing)... I want to come and go as I please as you put it. I don't know how you can misconstrue everything I say and twist it into something that sounds so entirely awful.
I want my cake and I want to eat it to. My fear is that you'll read this and take the wrong things from it. I rarely feel like "you get me" anymore. I feel like this whole thing is a waste.
I don't fucking know anything anymore and that's about as fucking honest as I can get. I just don't know. But rather than letting the shit take a natural course its like you're going to force me to discuss or make decisions and if that happens, neither one of us will like the outcome.
Wednesday, June 10, 2009
The Big T
So I may have neglected to mention the fact that I gave up soda. Yep...effective this past Monday I woke up and haven't had one since. Okay, so its only Wednesday--WHATS YOUR POINT. Lol.
I'm doing well in not craving them at the moment, but I have a headache....you know that caffeine withdrawl headache that comes when you stop ingesting your normal amount of caffeine...yeah...it sucks.
Well I figured that since I'm trying to turn a new leaf that I was going to treat myself, so I splurged. By splurged I mean I spent like almost twenty dollars on a single cup (and a lid, lol). I bought myself a TERVIS TUMBLER (http://www.tervis.com/) I LOVE IT. They have a bunch of sizes and a bunch of ways you can personalize it and what not...
I bought one that was on display, but I want more of them for some reason. They have these cool ones with beach chairs and adirondack chairs and well a lil of everything. I'm going to have to buy Jen one for sure.
I've found that when you have a cool cup you want to drink out of it more, which translates to MORE WATER...yay. I've only been drinking water and unsweet decaf tea since giving up soda and today needed something different so I went with a Peach Mango Fuze...good stuff.
I dunno...this was pretty much a pointless blog (as many of mine are) but the moral of the story is that I have an awesome cup...a cup that is too fabulous to even be referred to as "a cup." It's a TERVIS TUMBLER DAMMIT.
Check them out. (they keep hot things hotter and cold things colder...they don't sweat...and they are kind of guaranteed for life. I recommend the Big T--thats the 24 oz one w/lid of course.
I'm doing well in not craving them at the moment, but I have a headache....you know that caffeine withdrawl headache that comes when you stop ingesting your normal amount of caffeine...yeah...it sucks.
Well I figured that since I'm trying to turn a new leaf that I was going to treat myself, so I splurged. By splurged I mean I spent like almost twenty dollars on a single cup (and a lid, lol). I bought myself a TERVIS TUMBLER (http://www.tervis.com/) I LOVE IT. They have a bunch of sizes and a bunch of ways you can personalize it and what not...
I bought one that was on display, but I want more of them for some reason. They have these cool ones with beach chairs and adirondack chairs and well a lil of everything. I'm going to have to buy Jen one for sure.
I've found that when you have a cool cup you want to drink out of it more, which translates to MORE WATER...yay. I've only been drinking water and unsweet decaf tea since giving up soda and today needed something different so I went with a Peach Mango Fuze...good stuff.
I dunno...this was pretty much a pointless blog (as many of mine are) but the moral of the story is that I have an awesome cup...a cup that is too fabulous to even be referred to as "a cup." It's a TERVIS TUMBLER DAMMIT.
Check them out. (they keep hot things hotter and cold things colder...they don't sweat...and they are kind of guaranteed for life. I recommend the Big T--thats the 24 oz one w/lid of course.
Good grief
I just never seem to want to get motivated in the mornings. I have moved my alarm clock to various parts of the house in order to discourage me just rolling over and hitting the snooze button, only to get up, hit the snooze button and then climb right back into bed.
I'm tired all the time it seems and I don't even really do anything...I took a nap yesterday for a couple of hours after work because of this whole sinus/allergy thing I have happening. Im surprised I didn't OD on damn medicine trying to prevent sneezing, coughing, etc all damn day long. Even the roof of my mouth was itching like crazy...dammit.
I'm really pissed that I bought a years worth of contacts that I'll never be able to freaking wear because of allergies now--and in order to get new glasses I've gotta come out of pocket...not cool.
So anyway, I woke up yesterday after my nap to Jen telling me that dinner is ready. Grandma wanted her to have a key (which is great because now my lazy ass doesn't have to come let her in, lol) We had a great dinner which she cooked (which gma always says a meal that you don't have to cook always tastes good, lol)...cleaned up the kitchen and headed upstairs to watch a movie. By 11 o'clock I was out again off and on in a allergy medicine induced slumber, only for the alarm clock to go off much earlier than I wanted it to.
I was running late, went to kiss Jen goodbye only to realize while I was putting my shoes on taht she has buried her entire body including her face under the covers...no time to dig her out...just headed to work. Got here a few minutes late only to get to the door and realize I didn't have my badge. Son of a... so I go back to the car grab the badge come back in...okay all better.
I go to the break room to refill my new favorite cup (a tervis tumbler with blue and pink flip flops on it) only to knock if off the counter...shew its okay it has a lid so the water that was already in it won't spill...oh right...that is until I reach to pick it up and drop it yet another time and the lid comes off....water all over the break room rug--freaking a.
Apparently I need to restart my day, lol. Should have given Jen a kiss or something, lol.
Today is a supervisor workday which means that all of the Cost Plus sups and managers are going to be in the warehouse physically working along side their team members for about 4 or so hours today...(they do it one day a month)...me I'll be doing the same but its not a designated day for me....just something that I do off and on because it feels right.
Latidee Latidah....
I'm tired all the time it seems and I don't even really do anything...I took a nap yesterday for a couple of hours after work because of this whole sinus/allergy thing I have happening. Im surprised I didn't OD on damn medicine trying to prevent sneezing, coughing, etc all damn day long. Even the roof of my mouth was itching like crazy...dammit.
I'm really pissed that I bought a years worth of contacts that I'll never be able to freaking wear because of allergies now--and in order to get new glasses I've gotta come out of pocket...not cool.
So anyway, I woke up yesterday after my nap to Jen telling me that dinner is ready. Grandma wanted her to have a key (which is great because now my lazy ass doesn't have to come let her in, lol) We had a great dinner which she cooked (which gma always says a meal that you don't have to cook always tastes good, lol)...cleaned up the kitchen and headed upstairs to watch a movie. By 11 o'clock I was out again off and on in a allergy medicine induced slumber, only for the alarm clock to go off much earlier than I wanted it to.
I was running late, went to kiss Jen goodbye only to realize while I was putting my shoes on taht she has buried her entire body including her face under the covers...no time to dig her out...just headed to work. Got here a few minutes late only to get to the door and realize I didn't have my badge. Son of a... so I go back to the car grab the badge come back in...okay all better.
I go to the break room to refill my new favorite cup (a tervis tumbler with blue and pink flip flops on it) only to knock if off the counter...shew its okay it has a lid so the water that was already in it won't spill...oh right...that is until I reach to pick it up and drop it yet another time and the lid comes off....water all over the break room rug--freaking a.
Apparently I need to restart my day, lol. Should have given Jen a kiss or something, lol.
Today is a supervisor workday which means that all of the Cost Plus sups and managers are going to be in the warehouse physically working along side their team members for about 4 or so hours today...(they do it one day a month)...me I'll be doing the same but its not a designated day for me....just something that I do off and on because it feels right.
Latidee Latidah....
Tuesday, June 9, 2009
jealous
I'm so jealous of Jen right now. I had to leave and come to work this morning--overly tired, drained, sinus issues, and all....while she laid there, curled up in the comforter next to Pepper Puppy...kind of bums me out.
I want to get paid to sleep, lol. No really I'm not even kidding. I took a Sudafed before work so that I could breathe without snot running everywhere and the sneezing and what not taking over my day....now I'm just even more tired. Dammit.
I want to go to bed and curl up in the down comforter and just disappear for a few days.
I am going to go to sleep when I get off work. I'm going to start with a nap and let my sister use my computer while doing that so she will have peace and quiet (away from moms house where all the fam is plus some out of town fam as well) and then I'm going to wake up, take some more sinus medicine and go to sleep for the night. I'm so not kidding, I have no intentions of doing anything other than sleeping and being a lazy bum today. I even told grandma I probably wouldnt be by to see her today....
I feel like tired ass. Lol. Is it four o'clock yet?
I want to get paid to sleep, lol. No really I'm not even kidding. I took a Sudafed before work so that I could breathe without snot running everywhere and the sneezing and what not taking over my day....now I'm just even more tired. Dammit.
I want to go to bed and curl up in the down comforter and just disappear for a few days.
I am going to go to sleep when I get off work. I'm going to start with a nap and let my sister use my computer while doing that so she will have peace and quiet (away from moms house where all the fam is plus some out of town fam as well) and then I'm going to wake up, take some more sinus medicine and go to sleep for the night. I'm so not kidding, I have no intentions of doing anything other than sleeping and being a lazy bum today. I even told grandma I probably wouldnt be by to see her today....
I feel like tired ass. Lol. Is it four o'clock yet?
Decisions Decisions
So I had a contractor that called out sick last Thursday. We operate on a points scale here at work so Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday are 1 point days were Friday through Monday are 2 point days. Everyone knows this (its nothing new).
Well the contractor that called out was added at the last minute to the list of people to help with PI (physical inventory)--not all of my people participate, just the ones that are selected work next to the "fulltimers." So anyway, I try to call this contractor on Thursday to tell him that he had to work Friday and Saturday for PI, but was unsuccessful because of his number being disconnected.
I called my boss looking for additional numbers and she couldn't find where she had written them down before, so I tried sending word through his acquaintances at work aksing them to have him call me.
Friday rolls around and no said contractor. I try phone calls again, but it's pointless since I don't have access to the correct numbers. My boss has already left for vacation as of Thursday evening so I'm not trying to bug her about it...blah blah blah.
Well Saturday rolls around and still no said contractor. Technically this would be two no call no shows which is grounds for immediate termination. He came to work Monday and after talking to him, I got the correct numbers...I coached him on the expectation, in that if I don't tell hime to NOT come to work, he's expected to be here. He shouldn't have just assumed that because it was PI that he had two days off....
However, we were both in the wrong, him for just assuming he didn't have work and me for not getting his updated numbers when he started back on Monday. Both of us could have done thing differently and I own my errors in the mix.
I've decided that rather than firing him for the two no call no shows that I'm going compromise. He will be issued points for Thursday and will even be issued points Friday--I am going to note it in the system as a miscommunication and not as a no call no show. I don't want to punish him for Saturday since I was at fault as well, but I don't want to not punish him for Friday because he can't just assume that because he didn't think or "didn't know" he had to work on Friday that it's acceptable to not show up. I will also document everything in a way that when the boss gets off of vacation if she chooses to overturn my decision the option is there and everything is documented correctly for unemployment purposes.
I texted, called, and emailed my boss yesterday apologizing for bothering her. Granted, she said she'd be available off and on--it's not her responsibility to make decisions for me. I should feel confident that she would back me up on whatever decision I make. Technically, I feel like this is a test and sure, I've put a lot of pressure on myself to not fail...but its all learning experiences right?
Anyway--I think more than anything I wanted her input because I didn't want to jump the gun on anything and I didn't want the fact that I have a rapport with this contractor to cloud my judgement. It's just one of those things.
Anyway, I have to email my decision to the lady that has access to the system and can input my notes for me. I'll call the contractor later on and let him know my decision (he was told not to come to work today because there wasn't enough work to support him)--so that bought me a little time to say the least.
It's not always a cakewalk here in the warehouse.
Well the contractor that called out was added at the last minute to the list of people to help with PI (physical inventory)--not all of my people participate, just the ones that are selected work next to the "fulltimers." So anyway, I try to call this contractor on Thursday to tell him that he had to work Friday and Saturday for PI, but was unsuccessful because of his number being disconnected.
I called my boss looking for additional numbers and she couldn't find where she had written them down before, so I tried sending word through his acquaintances at work aksing them to have him call me.
Friday rolls around and no said contractor. I try phone calls again, but it's pointless since I don't have access to the correct numbers. My boss has already left for vacation as of Thursday evening so I'm not trying to bug her about it...blah blah blah.
Well Saturday rolls around and still no said contractor. Technically this would be two no call no shows which is grounds for immediate termination. He came to work Monday and after talking to him, I got the correct numbers...I coached him on the expectation, in that if I don't tell hime to NOT come to work, he's expected to be here. He shouldn't have just assumed that because it was PI that he had two days off....
However, we were both in the wrong, him for just assuming he didn't have work and me for not getting his updated numbers when he started back on Monday. Both of us could have done thing differently and I own my errors in the mix.
I've decided that rather than firing him for the two no call no shows that I'm going compromise. He will be issued points for Thursday and will even be issued points Friday--I am going to note it in the system as a miscommunication and not as a no call no show. I don't want to punish him for Saturday since I was at fault as well, but I don't want to not punish him for Friday because he can't just assume that because he didn't think or "didn't know" he had to work on Friday that it's acceptable to not show up. I will also document everything in a way that when the boss gets off of vacation if she chooses to overturn my decision the option is there and everything is documented correctly for unemployment purposes.
I texted, called, and emailed my boss yesterday apologizing for bothering her. Granted, she said she'd be available off and on--it's not her responsibility to make decisions for me. I should feel confident that she would back me up on whatever decision I make. Technically, I feel like this is a test and sure, I've put a lot of pressure on myself to not fail...but its all learning experiences right?
Anyway--I think more than anything I wanted her input because I didn't want to jump the gun on anything and I didn't want the fact that I have a rapport with this contractor to cloud my judgement. It's just one of those things.
Anyway, I have to email my decision to the lady that has access to the system and can input my notes for me. I'll call the contractor later on and let him know my decision (he was told not to come to work today because there wasn't enough work to support him)--so that bought me a little time to say the least.
It's not always a cakewalk here in the warehouse.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Right on
So Jen, Mandi (my sister), Melissa (my aunt), John (my uncle), Jeremy (my cousin) and I went to see The Hangover last night at Jen's theatre.
First, let me tell you that in one vehichle was John and Jeremy and in Jen's car was all the girls. We started by all making fun of Jen's honda element and commenting on things like if they made it in yellow it would be a for real short bus. The conversation progressed to embarrassing sexual stories. I'm stoked because now my sister has a toilet paper issue and I'm not alone (long story short it involves the heat of the moment and a little smidgen of tp getting caught up in the hair and then discovered by someone that obviously isn't yourself)...well turns out someone (I wont say any names and embarrass anyone--but it rhymes with Candy) has a story that involves anal sex resulting in a sunflower seed. She was telling us how her ex husband was hitting it anally when he pulled out she "sharted" sort of and a sunflower seed (from her salad earlier in the day) shot out and landed on the couch.
Sure it's gross, but I laughed my ass off as did everyone else in the car. We almost died because Jen was laughing so hard and trying not to pee all over the place and drive all at the same time. None of us could breathe.
So we get to the movie, WHICH WAS AWESOME BY THE WAY AND I REALLY RECOMMEND IT!!! And nearly pee our pants all over again. Jen has this thing where when someone gags, makes the sound like they are going to throw up, or actually throws up she nearly loses it (mind you, she hasn't lost it yet)...so in the moving someone threw up and she nearly did too....which made me laugh even more...(i guess I'm kind of evil)
That movie was wrong on so many levels but it was good to laugh that hard and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. On the way home it was on like donkey kong all over again because we continued talking about the sunflower seed incident among other comical topics. By the time we got back home my head was killing me and it was late and I had to go to bed....it was an early morning monday....
I'm so ready to go back to bed...I will own that movie when it comes out on DVD...for sure.
First, let me tell you that in one vehichle was John and Jeremy and in Jen's car was all the girls. We started by all making fun of Jen's honda element and commenting on things like if they made it in yellow it would be a for real short bus. The conversation progressed to embarrassing sexual stories. I'm stoked because now my sister has a toilet paper issue and I'm not alone (long story short it involves the heat of the moment and a little smidgen of tp getting caught up in the hair and then discovered by someone that obviously isn't yourself)...well turns out someone (I wont say any names and embarrass anyone--but it rhymes with Candy) has a story that involves anal sex resulting in a sunflower seed. She was telling us how her ex husband was hitting it anally when he pulled out she "sharted" sort of and a sunflower seed (from her salad earlier in the day) shot out and landed on the couch.
Sure it's gross, but I laughed my ass off as did everyone else in the car. We almost died because Jen was laughing so hard and trying not to pee all over the place and drive all at the same time. None of us could breathe.
So we get to the movie, WHICH WAS AWESOME BY THE WAY AND I REALLY RECOMMEND IT!!! And nearly pee our pants all over again. Jen has this thing where when someone gags, makes the sound like they are going to throw up, or actually throws up she nearly loses it (mind you, she hasn't lost it yet)...so in the moving someone threw up and she nearly did too....which made me laugh even more...(i guess I'm kind of evil)
That movie was wrong on so many levels but it was good to laugh that hard and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. On the way home it was on like donkey kong all over again because we continued talking about the sunflower seed incident among other comical topics. By the time we got back home my head was killing me and it was late and I had to go to bed....it was an early morning monday....
I'm so ready to go back to bed...I will own that movie when it comes out on DVD...for sure.
Exciting!!!
So I have finally found something that has me stoked and that I think I can stick with (besides Jen of course) and that is HIP HOP ABS. Lol.
I'm cheap so I refused to buy it off the infomercial which would have cost me three easy payments of 19.95 plus 12.95 shipping and handling (about 72 bucks give or take) so I went on ebay and found the whole kit'n'caboodle for 53 with free shipping. Therefore I don't lose out on any of the dvd's cuz I'm getting them all and well whatever.
Now I just gotta wait for the fuckers to get here, in the mean time rearrange the living room so I have room to bust a move and not break a toe on a couch or table and then go buck wild. Lol.
I think the thing that is really attracting me to it is the fact that it looks so fucking retarded but makes great sense. Plus, I like dancing like an idiot (like breaking out the sprinkler and stuff) I'm excited. YAY!!
I'll let ya'll know how it goes once I get the DVDs. I'm also going to start walking Pepper in the evenings which will benefit both of us. Oh and I gave up soda today...havent had one since yesterday (this is a big damn deal for me.)
I'm cheap so I refused to buy it off the infomercial which would have cost me three easy payments of 19.95 plus 12.95 shipping and handling (about 72 bucks give or take) so I went on ebay and found the whole kit'n'caboodle for 53 with free shipping. Therefore I don't lose out on any of the dvd's cuz I'm getting them all and well whatever.
Now I just gotta wait for the fuckers to get here, in the mean time rearrange the living room so I have room to bust a move and not break a toe on a couch or table and then go buck wild. Lol.
I think the thing that is really attracting me to it is the fact that it looks so fucking retarded but makes great sense. Plus, I like dancing like an idiot (like breaking out the sprinkler and stuff) I'm excited. YAY!!
I'll let ya'll know how it goes once I get the DVDs. I'm also going to start walking Pepper in the evenings which will benefit both of us. Oh and I gave up soda today...havent had one since yesterday (this is a big damn deal for me.)
Friday, June 5, 2009
Mistaken Identity
So on my lunch break I ran a couple of errands looking for some stuff that Gma had requested. I went to Family Dollar where I wasn't in there more than like five seconds before some girl in a very bubbly, very cheerleader like voice started asking me if we carried disposable picnic table cloths or something, I turned around and was like, I dunno I dont work here....(probably a little bitchier than I intended to)
I leave there after not finding what I was looking for and went to Dollar General on the same mission. There I was asked if I worked there at which point I responded, No, Sorry. Then on the way out (still not finding what I was looking for) I was stopped by the manager who seemed to excitedly shout, "HEY YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD WORK HERE WITH YOUR BLACK, YOUR TAN, AND YOUR NAME BADGE ON" hahahah....he thought it was amusing...
I look down only to realize that I'm not wearing my official Aerotek shirt but the navy blue Ecko polo that jen gave me, khaki shorts and my warehouse badge that gets me in and out of the doors...
What did I learn from this? Well going to Food Lion after work is out of the question until I change anyway....this outfit is obviously a little too employee of the month...I need to go to walmart now too...yeah I think I'll change first for sure.
I leave there after not finding what I was looking for and went to Dollar General on the same mission. There I was asked if I worked there at which point I responded, No, Sorry. Then on the way out (still not finding what I was looking for) I was stopped by the manager who seemed to excitedly shout, "HEY YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD WORK HERE WITH YOUR BLACK, YOUR TAN, AND YOUR NAME BADGE ON" hahahah....he thought it was amusing...
I look down only to realize that I'm not wearing my official Aerotek shirt but the navy blue Ecko polo that jen gave me, khaki shorts and my warehouse badge that gets me in and out of the doors...
What did I learn from this? Well going to Food Lion after work is out of the question until I change anyway....this outfit is obviously a little too employee of the month...I need to go to walmart now too...yeah I think I'll change first for sure.
wtf
So I called my mom's house to see if my sister or my aunt would be up to driving over to my house (three miles up the road) and letting my dog out and just putting her back in the kennel. My sister bluntly says, "**huff**I hate your dog." WTF. I know you don't like her but really dude that's jacked up.
Since Gma fell at the end of April Pepper has spent more time in the cage than normal because I don't have anyone to help me by letting her out sometimes. It was okay when I worked only 4.5 hour days, but now I'm back to a full day which is 9 hours and the poor thing is stuck in the cage the whole time. It's no wonder she's become so needy here lately.
I mean really it is what it is. Pepper is my responsibility and I can't expect everyone else to drop what they are doing and go let her out, but still its kind of jacked because whenever I run an errand to moms house and they arent there I let all the dogs out to go pee and then put them back in the house.
I dunno...good times.
Since Gma fell at the end of April Pepper has spent more time in the cage than normal because I don't have anyone to help me by letting her out sometimes. It was okay when I worked only 4.5 hour days, but now I'm back to a full day which is 9 hours and the poor thing is stuck in the cage the whole time. It's no wonder she's become so needy here lately.
I mean really it is what it is. Pepper is my responsibility and I can't expect everyone else to drop what they are doing and go let her out, but still its kind of jacked because whenever I run an errand to moms house and they arent there I let all the dogs out to go pee and then put them back in the house.
I dunno...good times.
wierd
So i got a text yesterday from a number and area code that I totally didn't recognize. Later, when I got time I sent a "who is this" text back to the number only to find out that it was the sister of one of my exes. Pretty random, hell I didn't even know she still had my number. She asked how grandma was (she had come to visit my ex when my ex lived with grandma and I, with her mom and brother) and I told her about gma's fall. I told her I hadn't talked to Stephanie in quite a while so I hadn't expected to hear from anyone related to her, lol.
She told me that next time she is down she's going to have to give me a call because she needs a haircut, lol. I cut her hair, hell like over two years ago....I dunno. The whole situation was pretty random like I mentioned but there's no bad blood there. She just wanted to say hi. I told her to tell her family hello for me and called it a day.
It was a nice surprise.
She told me that next time she is down she's going to have to give me a call because she needs a haircut, lol. I cut her hair, hell like over two years ago....I dunno. The whole situation was pretty random like I mentioned but there's no bad blood there. She just wanted to say hi. I told her to tell her family hello for me and called it a day.
It was a nice surprise.
Clearing my head
I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now. Some is relevant and some is not...it's all kind of jumbled and I can't make sense of it all right now.
For starters, I've been asked what feels like a lot recently if I am happy. Happy in my relationship, happy with life in general, happy happy happy. I don't know if I'm happy. How is happiness defined? I feel like I'm losing myself more and more and am getting close to the point of no return if you will. I've always spent my time doing for everyone else and always putting things that I want to accomplish on the back burner.
In relationships, I've always just done what the other person wants me to or would prefer I do in order to avoid "rocking the boat" or having to deal with a discussion or an argument that I'd just rather not sit through. I'm tired of that. When I say that I want "Tommy time" I don't want it to be viewed as, I don't want or value someone else's company but sometimes I just want to do things that I want to do without feeling obligated to keep that person amused or entertained, thereby putting off stuff that I'd sometimes rather be doing. Nowadays its like if I dare mention that I want to do something by myself when its during a time that someone else has available, its the end of the world. This isn't just the case with say my girlfriend, but often times my family as well. It's hard though. Trying to appease the masses can wear you the hell out.
I don't think it makes me selfish to have things that I want to do by myself. It's healthy to be an individual, but I feel like my individuality is being sacrificed in order to yet again keep everyone else happy.
I've recently realized that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. For example, my girlfriend asked for help with her son while she works. Okay, normally wouldn't be an issue. But the more I think about it, I don't want to babysit every single Saturday--every now and then would be completely okay, but I don't want it to be the expectation, whether I'm getting paid or not, ya know. Saturday is generally my day off, my day away from the warehouse, my day to get caught up on things around the house, or homework, or just to do absolutely nothing. I am not willing to give that up ALL the time.
I'm tired of people playing mind games with me even when they don't realize they are doing it. Pressuring me into doing things may work for a short time, but dammit I'm going to get tired of it quickly. Don't guilt trip me or make me feel bad because I don't want to go and do something with you at the drop of a hat.
Don't ask me things that you aren't willing to hear the answer to. I want to go places in general and not NOT have a good time because I'm too worried as to whether who I'm with is amused or entertained or what not.
Perhaps I'm having a pre-midlife crisis. Of course perhaps I'm just tired of just always going with the flow to appease someone else. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm rundown in general. I'm tired of things that I want to do being put on hold because of what someone else wants to do. I'm tired of empty threats and ultimatums, I'm tired of not being me because when I am me, someone else is convinced that that isn't the real me and there must be some obvious issue that is to blame for it.
I'm tired of not having the balls to say what's really on my mind because I'm worried about hurting someone elses feelings. I'm tired of feeling guilty for having an opinion and sharing it. I'm tired of feeling like everything that I do is wrong or that there was a better alternative that I should have done.
Most of all I'm just tired. Exhausted. Capoot. I don't know how else to say it.
For starters, I've been asked what feels like a lot recently if I am happy. Happy in my relationship, happy with life in general, happy happy happy. I don't know if I'm happy. How is happiness defined? I feel like I'm losing myself more and more and am getting close to the point of no return if you will. I've always spent my time doing for everyone else and always putting things that I want to accomplish on the back burner.
In relationships, I've always just done what the other person wants me to or would prefer I do in order to avoid "rocking the boat" or having to deal with a discussion or an argument that I'd just rather not sit through. I'm tired of that. When I say that I want "Tommy time" I don't want it to be viewed as, I don't want or value someone else's company but sometimes I just want to do things that I want to do without feeling obligated to keep that person amused or entertained, thereby putting off stuff that I'd sometimes rather be doing. Nowadays its like if I dare mention that I want to do something by myself when its during a time that someone else has available, its the end of the world. This isn't just the case with say my girlfriend, but often times my family as well. It's hard though. Trying to appease the masses can wear you the hell out.
I don't think it makes me selfish to have things that I want to do by myself. It's healthy to be an individual, but I feel like my individuality is being sacrificed in order to yet again keep everyone else happy.
I've recently realized that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. For example, my girlfriend asked for help with her son while she works. Okay, normally wouldn't be an issue. But the more I think about it, I don't want to babysit every single Saturday--every now and then would be completely okay, but I don't want it to be the expectation, whether I'm getting paid or not, ya know. Saturday is generally my day off, my day away from the warehouse, my day to get caught up on things around the house, or homework, or just to do absolutely nothing. I am not willing to give that up ALL the time.
I'm tired of people playing mind games with me even when they don't realize they are doing it. Pressuring me into doing things may work for a short time, but dammit I'm going to get tired of it quickly. Don't guilt trip me or make me feel bad because I don't want to go and do something with you at the drop of a hat.
Don't ask me things that you aren't willing to hear the answer to. I want to go places in general and not NOT have a good time because I'm too worried as to whether who I'm with is amused or entertained or what not.
Perhaps I'm having a pre-midlife crisis. Of course perhaps I'm just tired of just always going with the flow to appease someone else. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm rundown in general. I'm tired of things that I want to do being put on hold because of what someone else wants to do. I'm tired of empty threats and ultimatums, I'm tired of not being me because when I am me, someone else is convinced that that isn't the real me and there must be some obvious issue that is to blame for it.
I'm tired of not having the balls to say what's really on my mind because I'm worried about hurting someone elses feelings. I'm tired of feeling guilty for having an opinion and sharing it. I'm tired of feeling like everything that I do is wrong or that there was a better alternative that I should have done.
Most of all I'm just tired. Exhausted. Capoot. I don't know how else to say it.
To Do
I'm always making lists. I guess it makes me feel good to be able to mark things off and have a sense of accomplishment...like "hey, look at what I did..." yay, keep up the good work. Often times my lists are too over zealous and there is just no way of accomplishing everything in one day so they become week long to do lists...sometimes I don't do anything on the list--its like I rebel against myself. Heres my latest To Do list:
(in no particular order of course)
1. BUS 490 Group Assignment
2. POL 300 Discussion, Quiz, and Webliography
3. SOC 300 Discussion and Homework assignment
4. Clean the downstairs (to include the kitchen, utility room, living room, sunroom, 3 bathrooms, dining room, antique room, gma's room, etc...)
5. Clean the upstairs (to include the bathroom, the bedroom, and the living room--organizing and probably rearranging two of the three)...
6. Find Gma a new pair of slipppers and a shower cap, plus visit her and pick up her laundry and do her laundry, and deliver it back to her tomorrow
7. My laundry, plus whatever Jen left at my house from earlier in the week
8. Paint my toenails or breakdown and treat myself to a pedicure
9. Aunt Melissas Pedicure
10. Visit with Grandma and Grandpa who will be in from out of town for the weekend
11. Catch up with Mom and Dad since they've been out of town all week and fly back in tonight
12. Give Pepper a bath
13. Clean out a closet so that Jen will have room to store the stuff she doesn't have room for at her place
14. Clean off Gma's desk
15. Clean out the freezer and the cabinets and dispose of all food that is no longer "good" and wipe down cabinets
16. Finish the painting I'm working on
17. Start the painting I'm going to do for dad for Father's Day
18. I dunno what else but I need to get a lot accomplished I have a lot on my mind and need to just work threw it.
(in no particular order of course)
1. BUS 490 Group Assignment
2. POL 300 Discussion, Quiz, and Webliography
3. SOC 300 Discussion and Homework assignment
4. Clean the downstairs (to include the kitchen, utility room, living room, sunroom, 3 bathrooms, dining room, antique room, gma's room, etc...)
5. Clean the upstairs (to include the bathroom, the bedroom, and the living room--organizing and probably rearranging two of the three)...
6. Find Gma a new pair of slipppers and a shower cap, plus visit her and pick up her laundry and do her laundry, and deliver it back to her tomorrow
7. My laundry, plus whatever Jen left at my house from earlier in the week
8. Paint my toenails or breakdown and treat myself to a pedicure
9. Aunt Melissas Pedicure
10. Visit with Grandma and Grandpa who will be in from out of town for the weekend
11. Catch up with Mom and Dad since they've been out of town all week and fly back in tonight
12. Give Pepper a bath
13. Clean out a closet so that Jen will have room to store the stuff she doesn't have room for at her place
14. Clean off Gma's desk
15. Clean out the freezer and the cabinets and dispose of all food that is no longer "good" and wipe down cabinets
16. Finish the painting I'm working on
17. Start the painting I'm going to do for dad for Father's Day
18. I dunno what else but I need to get a lot accomplished I have a lot on my mind and need to just work threw it.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Grandma's Vagina
So I can tell that I'm really missing having grandma around the house more and more these days. Even though I go and visit her daily at the nursing home where she recooperates after falling and breaking her femur...shit just isnt the same around the house.
I keep recalling the time September of last year when I was having some female issues and had to have an outpatient procedure to attempt to correct the problem and how sincere grandma was and how she kept trying to make me feel better because of how much pain I was in. I remember coming downstairs to get a drink of water, she sat at her computer...when out of know where she looked at me and said: "I must be having sympathy pains because my vagina hurts." LOL.
Grandma's 78 year old vagina hurts because mine did...now that's love, lol.
I keep recalling the time September of last year when I was having some female issues and had to have an outpatient procedure to attempt to correct the problem and how sincere grandma was and how she kept trying to make me feel better because of how much pain I was in. I remember coming downstairs to get a drink of water, she sat at her computer...when out of know where she looked at me and said: "I must be having sympathy pains because my vagina hurts." LOL.
Grandma's 78 year old vagina hurts because mine did...now that's love, lol.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Huh?
I kind of get irritated sometimes with the fact that I don't know much about blogger other than how to change my background or write a blog. I want to search for blogs to add and follow and just expand my mind...but I don't know how. When I click on next blog its always blogs in a foreign language that I just so happen not to speak. What are the secrets to blogger?
Long beach
So mom and dad are in Long Beach, CA this week. Dad had to go to do some class to get ready to be deployed to Kosovo in August (I think) and mom just went for shits and giggles. She's having a blast and sent me a picture she took while on a harbor tour. It makes me want to curl up and snuggle and be at the beach all at the same time. LOL.
Grandma's Pimpin me out...
So I go to see Gma yesterday (she's still in the home by the way) she opted to stay when it was at the request of her physical therapist. She's doing really well trying to not undo the healing that has been done already. So anyway...I walk in--it was monday so the day I wash, blowdry and curl her hair.
She immediately tells me, no, orders me to go down the hall and introduce myself to some dude named Norman because he's past due on a haircut and needs one. So I do it...Nice guy but bed ridden while he heals. Something to do with congenital heart failure and his legs have to be higher than his heart or something along those lines and hes fairly young for all that, can't be more than mid fifties or sixty.
So anyway, I have plans today to go see Gma...after which I will be cutting Normans hair while he lays in bed. This is a new one even for me. (it may be tomorrow if he's not back from his doctors appointment).
I'm not bothered by this I mean I have thought of volunteering many times at the home but never have...I mean old people love me... the moral of the story is that I just can't believe that Gma is pimpin me out for my haircutting skills. WTF? Sometimes I just wanna shake her... never would though, lol.
She immediately tells me, no, orders me to go down the hall and introduce myself to some dude named Norman because he's past due on a haircut and needs one. So I do it...Nice guy but bed ridden while he heals. Something to do with congenital heart failure and his legs have to be higher than his heart or something along those lines and hes fairly young for all that, can't be more than mid fifties or sixty.
So anyway, I have plans today to go see Gma...after which I will be cutting Normans hair while he lays in bed. This is a new one even for me. (it may be tomorrow if he's not back from his doctors appointment).
I'm not bothered by this I mean I have thought of volunteering many times at the home but never have...I mean old people love me... the moral of the story is that I just can't believe that Gma is pimpin me out for my haircutting skills. WTF? Sometimes I just wanna shake her... never would though, lol.
Monday, June 1, 2009
Things are looking up
So things are finally starting to look up for me. YAY.
I'm almost done with this quarter of classes...then three new ones from July to September and then I'm done....drum roll please...bachelor's here I come.
I now qualify for holiday pay at my job (I've been here over 9 months) but you have to hit 1500 hours to qualify.
My hours, effective today are now normal hours....so instead of the 7:30 to 12 that I've been working since April 7th and struggling to pay my bills (because I make too little to pay all my bills but too much for partial unemployment to help) I now work from 7 to 4 YAY!
I had new starts today which marks the very slow ramp up process to prepare for peak season in the warehouse. When I started this job I had 97 contractors at our heaviest point...as of this week I have 33...
My awesome boss totally went to bat for me (as our boss put it) and asked for me to get a raise since I'm doing such a wonderful job....granted it wasn't much because of the cuts that have been made but it was enough to make me smile.
Stuff in general just rocks right now. That's a great great thing.
I'm almost done with this quarter of classes...then three new ones from July to September and then I'm done....drum roll please...bachelor's here I come.
I now qualify for holiday pay at my job (I've been here over 9 months) but you have to hit 1500 hours to qualify.
My hours, effective today are now normal hours....so instead of the 7:30 to 12 that I've been working since April 7th and struggling to pay my bills (because I make too little to pay all my bills but too much for partial unemployment to help) I now work from 7 to 4 YAY!
I had new starts today which marks the very slow ramp up process to prepare for peak season in the warehouse. When I started this job I had 97 contractors at our heaviest point...as of this week I have 33...
My awesome boss totally went to bat for me (as our boss put it) and asked for me to get a raise since I'm doing such a wonderful job....granted it wasn't much because of the cuts that have been made but it was enough to make me smile.
Stuff in general just rocks right now. That's a great great thing.
Yeah...I'm 28 now
So I havent blogged in a hot hot minute but I'm going to write one real quick like and start to get you guys caught up. For my birthday I went with Jen to Hatteras, NC. We relaxed and took it easy and didn't really stick to a schedule, where the vibe was uptight and must do this this and this type of thing...totally just chilled.
We laid on the beach for a bit on Saturday but not long enough to get any sun. She took me to dinner and I introduced her to fried broccoli which she LOVED. Just enjoyed her company altogether. She took harassment from my family like a champ...(you see the fam discovered that if you make barfing noises or do the dry heaving thing that it makes Jen almost throwup...) now they know her weakness they totally tried out the concept. Anyway...
We woke up Sunday morning early enough to spend a good amount of time on the beach...I started drinking at 8:30 in the morning (vodka and oj) with breakfast. By 1130 I was wasted on the beach. I was singing at the top of my lungs and just didn't care. I fell in the surf trying to push Jen in the water and nearly drown trying to get my big ass up out of the waves just from laughing soooo hard. I called my sister and the minute she said "hello" I rapped...."I'D BE LIKE SO, I LOVE MY BABY MAMA I NEVER LET HER GO." Yeah totally out of character and Jen had never really seen me intoxicated before...
I sobered up so I wouldnt have to pee every three seconds on the drive home. We went to my bosses house for a cookout full of lesbos....had a good time, but didnt stay long (my boss is still calling me a pussy cuz I never stay very long at her place)--but shit, she lives in norfolk, a freaking hour away from my house and I can't exactly drive there and then drink a lot and drive back and well in this instance Jen had to work that monday...so anyway...good times.
On the way home poor Jen, the sober one...my designated driver for the day scraped the rim of my front passenger tire on the curb of Azalea Garden Road and jacked it up. I don't hate her for it, but I was a little bummed to say the least because well I've only made one car payment on her and she's already had her first accident. :( But it is what it is...and I love my girlfriend more than my car but I cant say that too loudly in front of my car cuz that would just be bad...but it is what it is.
I got a quote to replace it when I can (no rush obviously) it's nothing I'm going to lose sleep over...I was going to replace the radio in it one day too...so when I have extra cash I'll just have to decide which is more important to me at the moment.
Overall it was a great birthday. I went with Jen to Michaels yesterday to spend part of my birthday gift from her. I bought some more canvases and a shit ton of paints and that type of stuff so when the mood hits I'm ready to paint again. She bought me some brushes too so I'm set. NICE.
I bummed her out for a bit (last time I'll mention it and then I'll drop it) and realized that I'm like the shittiest girlfriend ever because sheh bought me Rockband for Playstation and I basically totld her to take it back because it would never get used enough to justify the expense. (Ive never done some shit like that over a gift...but I couldnt stand the thought of it just sitting in the box chilling when thats not a cheap game.) Yeah I know I suck as a girlfriend. I don't know how in the hell she puts up with me...I really don't.
Hell just spending time with her on my birthday would have been more than enough. I wish dad hadn't eaten all of her fried mushrooms before she could have tried one thought. LOL.
We laid on the beach for a bit on Saturday but not long enough to get any sun. She took me to dinner and I introduced her to fried broccoli which she LOVED. Just enjoyed her company altogether. She took harassment from my family like a champ...(you see the fam discovered that if you make barfing noises or do the dry heaving thing that it makes Jen almost throwup...) now they know her weakness they totally tried out the concept. Anyway...
We woke up Sunday morning early enough to spend a good amount of time on the beach...I started drinking at 8:30 in the morning (vodka and oj) with breakfast. By 1130 I was wasted on the beach. I was singing at the top of my lungs and just didn't care. I fell in the surf trying to push Jen in the water and nearly drown trying to get my big ass up out of the waves just from laughing soooo hard. I called my sister and the minute she said "hello" I rapped...."I'D BE LIKE SO, I LOVE MY BABY MAMA I NEVER LET HER GO." Yeah totally out of character and Jen had never really seen me intoxicated before...
I sobered up so I wouldnt have to pee every three seconds on the drive home. We went to my bosses house for a cookout full of lesbos....had a good time, but didnt stay long (my boss is still calling me a pussy cuz I never stay very long at her place)--but shit, she lives in norfolk, a freaking hour away from my house and I can't exactly drive there and then drink a lot and drive back and well in this instance Jen had to work that monday...so anyway...good times.
On the way home poor Jen, the sober one...my designated driver for the day scraped the rim of my front passenger tire on the curb of Azalea Garden Road and jacked it up. I don't hate her for it, but I was a little bummed to say the least because well I've only made one car payment on her and she's already had her first accident. :( But it is what it is...and I love my girlfriend more than my car but I cant say that too loudly in front of my car cuz that would just be bad...but it is what it is.
I got a quote to replace it when I can (no rush obviously) it's nothing I'm going to lose sleep over...I was going to replace the radio in it one day too...so when I have extra cash I'll just have to decide which is more important to me at the moment.
Overall it was a great birthday. I went with Jen to Michaels yesterday to spend part of my birthday gift from her. I bought some more canvases and a shit ton of paints and that type of stuff so when the mood hits I'm ready to paint again. She bought me some brushes too so I'm set. NICE.
I bummed her out for a bit (last time I'll mention it and then I'll drop it) and realized that I'm like the shittiest girlfriend ever because sheh bought me Rockband for Playstation and I basically totld her to take it back because it would never get used enough to justify the expense. (Ive never done some shit like that over a gift...but I couldnt stand the thought of it just sitting in the box chilling when thats not a cheap game.) Yeah I know I suck as a girlfriend. I don't know how in the hell she puts up with me...I really don't.
Hell just spending time with her on my birthday would have been more than enough. I wish dad hadn't eaten all of her fried mushrooms before she could have tried one thought. LOL.
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