Wednesday, May 25, 2011


I'm feeling that repetitive thing that happens from time to time. You know where you're stuck on repeat and can't skip to the next track.

Step 1: Wake up
Step 2: Take Pill
Step 3: Pee
4: Take Pepper to Pee
5: Get dressed
6: Brush teeth
7: Wet hair
8: Wash Face
9: Consider putting product in hair...
10: Kiss Jen good bye (she's still sleeping)
11: Make sure Pepper has water
12: Head to work
13: Work for 9 to 12 hours depending on how many hours I need to make up
14: Come home
(Depending on the night of the week)
15: Help lil man with homework
15: Cook Dinner
16: Clean Kitchen
17: Sometimes some laundry
18: Sometimes my times to makes sure lil man gets a bath
19: When lil man crashes then I grab a shower
20. TV time or computer time
21. Most of the time I'm ready to crash by now... Jen and I talk and hang out together
22. Take more pills
23. Bed
24. Repeat

(obviously there are a lot more take pepper to pee/poop trips that are just implied here)

Today my intentions are to do something different. I'm tired of feeling like I'm repeat. I'm tired of worrying all the time about things that are out of my control. I ordered some new books from amazon... they came yesterday... I'm going to grab my fabulous cantaloupe colored plastic adirondack chair from bed bath and beyond that I both about a month ago when my amended tax return check came and go sit outside with pepper in the 94 degree weather and just read. I don't care if I get bit by mosquitos... I have Off for that... I just want to unwind, clear my head and read. I never seem to take time for me anymore.  Then I'm going to have dinner with my family and go about my normal repetitive day, and I'll be fine with that.

My normal saying is, It is what it is. I had never heard the rest of that statement until yesterday when I was on the phone with Jen's mom. She informed me that, "It is what it is, until you make something of it." I'm not sure who said it originally, but it totally puts a new spin on things you know...

FYI, I gave Pepper her first clipper cut the other day... Jen keeps calling her Beetlejuice because she has a big body and little head, but really she looks more like a lab than before... where she just had lab traits, shes cute either way and just did a wonderful job... I was impressed.

My intentions are also to work on revamping my resume and getting it out there. Now that Jen isn't happy in her working world.. there's nothing saying we can't start over wherever we want. I just have to find something that is going to pay for relocation. And a salary large enough to keep us afloat to get us out wherever and buy us enough time until she can find a job of her own, unless its a phenomenal job in which case she can stay at home and do the cooking and cleaning and work part time if she wants to and be there to put lil man on and off the bus from now until he can drive himself.  Who knows.

But with a "it is what it is, until you make something of it" mentality, I'm damn tired of not making something of it... you know. My intentions are good, I just have to follow through with them. And quit this cookie cutter day bullshit.

I'm also going to try and quit talking about what I'd like to see happen because she just seems to be falling through way to much lately, fuck it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

30 today

So I'm thirty today... it's just another day really... there is so much other stuff going on in my world really that it's the least of my concerns if  you can believe it.

The house thing didn't work out (It was a blessing in disguise) our credit was fine, but we had a couple of things to clear up before getting the final approval... it really would have just taken a couple of months to have reached that point, but some things have gone down at Jen's work and we may very well be becoming a single family income soon... MINE (the smaller one of course) 

I'm trying to stay positive of course but deep down I'm scared. I'm angry at the fuckers that initiated the stuff they did and really do hope that karma beats the living shit out of them, which I know it will in due time.  I'm not going to go into specifics, out of respect for Jen and because the situation is still in the present and I can't...

Luckily June 30th marks the end of our lease so we just have to pay June rent and be done... we will probably end up moving to the country to my mom's house and stay there for a while...since my sister and niece moved... my mom has two rooms free which will be plenty of space for me, jen, and lil man to stay temporarily... 

Another opportunity is trying to present itself and I really do hope it pans out... It involves a move to another state, a great job for Jen, us being closer to some of Jen's family (but not in colorado...) actually in a portion of new england... which will be a huge adjustment but a longtime dream of mine even though i am not a fan of the cold or snow hell...I am job hunting but if said opportunity pans out I have been offered a job as a nanny (older kids, no younger than second grade, which will also give me the chance to save Jen and I the money on child care for lil man... so time will tell) right now we're too scared out of our minds to know what's real and what's not...

I told the lady that if it does work out I don't want to be called a Nanny, simply on the grounds of it's lame, lol. I want to be called Director of domestic operations... she said she was fine with that there will be an emphasis on acquisitions (grocery shopping) and something else clever that I can't remember that meant getting the kids to school on time...

I'm not opposed to the nanny thing really. It will give me the chance to really focus on my mental health... granted I wont have medical insurance which will suck, but it will be okay... there are ways to work with that... but I can also go back to school for my masters if I decide to and I can seriously work towards becoming a writer like I've always wanted to. Sure I blog all the time... which hell I could do a lot more... but I want to actually write... like a book. And I could do that. I could exercise during the day... I could do all kinds of stuff during the day.

I could be a homemaker. I could have dinner ready everyday when Jen got home... how cute would that be.  I dunno there are a lot of coulds...but even more what ifs... I know that no matter what life throws at us right now we'll figure it out and work through it... that's just how we are... we're tough and we have each others back. We're dreamers as well and we have good intentions. I'd like to see a lot of things happen but I'm not going to lose sight of reality in the process you know...

For now, I've gotta be Jen's rock... or better yet her boulder. I won't let her buy me a birthday present because obviously money is potentially going to be very tight very very soon. But even so, we aren't going to stop living. This weekend has been planned since last year... we are going to hatteras, NC and we are using any birthday money to get down there... if she still has a job by this weekend then she'll go down after me and lil man... we are going from Friday to Monday... she'll probably go from Saturday night to Monday ... the point is... we are going to go, relax and unwind... leave our worries behind, stick our feet in the sand and let the waves wash away our unrest...

Everything happens for a reason.

"Problems are opportunities with thorns on them." - Hugh Miller

Friday, May 13, 2011

Cross your fingers

Jen and I have been on the hunt for a place to live as our lease is up at the end of June. Well you see I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that I'd like to look into buying a house and Jen was totally on board.  So cross your fingers. we don't know that we'll even be approved for a loan, but we're at the point of hell don't know until you try. I'm excited and scared all at the same time.

I have a couple of houses in mind but I refuse to go and look at the houses without knowing whether or not we can buy it or not because I'll just be broken hearted you know.  Worse case scenario, we just go back to looking for places to rent.

Lol. My aunt is an agent and is helping us. She hasn't acknowledged Jen and my engagement and has made several mentions that we should talk to the loan officer of the legalities of what to do if three years down the road Jen and I arent together, what to do, since we'll both own the house... um hello... it'd be the same if it happened to a hetero couple... she kills me with this crap... She's my dads brothers wife and has never accepted my being gay, but hey, she's helping me out so far so like I said, let's just keep our fingers crossed.

I even looked into my 401k which doesn't have much in it for money down I feel like such a grown up right now with it beign only a couple of weeks before my thirtieth birthday... folks if this works out in Jen and my favor, all I gotta say is that Chad gets to pick out the color to paint his room, Pepper is getting a new bandana and a new pet bed, Jen will get a desk and I'M GETTING A TOOL BELT, lol...

my bubble was burst

I got the urge to bake and found myself making a peach crisp.  I realized in the process that I didn't even know if I like peach crisp or not or I was in the mood to eat peach crisp...I just wanted to bake.  Well... in the process... lil man came in the kitchen and was telling me about this show that he likes called Hole in the Wall... where basically people have to fit through randomly shaped holes in walls.  He informed me that if we went on the show that I wouldn't fit through the holes which he didn't mean as awful as it sounds i'm sure but I was having an overly sensitive moment and I could have cried right there. I finished making my peach crisp and didn't eat it, so I still dont know if I like it or not lol...

Later my sister text me to let me know that she hit her fifty pound weight loss... we started weight watchers at the same time... she stuck with it (I only did it for her and was never really into it...) and then she moved... she likes it because she drops weight quicker than me and then she can rub it in my face which bums me out even more which in turns makes me just want to eat more...

boo. Yep. My bubble was for sure burst. Fuck it.  I haven't convinced myself to go to the gym yet. I'm not on a magically refreshing diet. I dont have just pounds falling off me... but you know what in the long run it'll just work it self out.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

a change

As always it came time for a change. I'm surprised it took as long as it did, but I've learned to not rush these things and to just let things play out naturally... I know myself well enough to know that it will eventually happen. This time it came in the form of hair color. Quite common for me and QUITE overdue. I've gone months looking rather drab and well normal. And let's face it... anyone who knows me or hell even just "read" me, knows that "normal" for me, is just a setting on the washing machine and nothing more.  Today's color of choice MAGENTA. No two tone fabulousness... a simple LOUD blinding when the sun hits it permanent Magenta... and I love it. I feel quite revived with it like this. I also went out last night and got my nose pierced... something that has been on my agenda for months and months but something I've been putting off ... well it's done.

I went to bath and body works and bought a new smell and used the gift card my brother had given me for christmas toward it... I opted for Butterfly flowers I've never been one to use body washes because I felt it was ridiculous considering I would have to use something different on my cooter... I never liked the thought of something perfuming mixing with naturally scented coother and just having some weird concocted smell happening so it meant extra work in the shower and I just wasnt willing to do that... but since a couple of months ago since the crotch doctor made me swear off washing princess high maintenance hooha with soap I have ventured to sometimes using body washes and even treating myself to one of those little colorful poof things which apparently I deprived myself from before... WHAT? Yes, I have theories on those too... like they shouldn't be used in butt cracks... don't fucking judge me... you don't know me... but anyway, I digress... I also don't wear thongs because I feel like the size of my underwear should be be proportionate to the size of my ass... but with that being said, no I don't go to Omar the tent maker to get my drawls made either... I still wear sexy drawls (I hate the word panties, I actually despise it and think it should be removed from the human vocabulary, it and the word twat, but I'm sure there are more important battles to be fought right now)... and I'm getting totally off subject right now damn you...

So anyway, I have awesome hair and a nose ring again (I used to have it done back in the day, along with an eyebrow ring, my monroe pierced, my  ninnies pierced, and my tongue.... though not necessarily all at the same time... plus I'm at about 14 or 15 tattoos now... which I need more money for...Id eventually like to have a sleeve... lol... I'm going to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company with at least one tattooed sleeve, lol.)

But anyway...where was I even going with this blog.... I dont remember...

I need to go tomorrow on my day off and renew my drivers license since I turn 30 towards the end of this month... it's about that time... lol. For now... I've been working on finding a place for Jen and I to live since our lease is up at the end of June... Lil man leaves in mid-June to visit jen's parents for a while since his dad is in Iraq he gets the rare opportunity to spend time with them rather than with his dad, and then he'll spend a 2 weeks with this step mom and then a couple weeks with his dad and step mom while his 2nd sibling (his dads 3rd kid incl. lil man is born...are you able to follow all that...)... its complicated... Im just glad he gets time with his grandparents and he's stoked about it and then he'll be back in time to start school... second grade...'s my friday...I'm going to watch a movie at my desk, lol...

Monday, May 2, 2011


I'm a redneck. No, literally--I got sunburned this weekend while having a yard sale... my neck is fried and so are my ears and the right side of my face.... funny how my glow in the dark white ass neglected to put sunscreen on such prime areas.

I'm bummed. My sister moved. It was her idea to have the yard sale. She called me on Monday and told me that if I hadn't taken time off of work to not do it because she'd be moving on Friday. So yeah, she's gone and she took my beautiful niece with her. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I would have, but I was driving Jen's vehicle so I could transport tables for said yard sale which I opted to not cancel because I wanted to make a few bucks and I ended up putting 70 dollars in said vehicle, RIDICULOUS over the course of the week. 

I dunno I just hope she's happy and everything works out for her.

For now, I'm just going to pout, it's just what I feel like doing.  I have four minutes left of my work day, I'm thinking if I walk real slow, maybe swing by the bathroom and what not by the time I get to the time clock it will be time to go.

I have a lot on my mind these days, but I think it's just better if I keep it to myself rather than suck the life out of whomever may choose to read my pointless rants.

Hope you're having a swell day.