Friday, December 3, 2010

high tide low tide

There is a numbness that presents itself and then vanishes. Like the ocean crashing gently upon the shore, bringing it's foamy endlessness, saturating the sand and then repetitiously fading away. I wake up some mornings and all seems fine, then without warning, for no reason, it creeps up on me. It clings on as if it is a naturally occuring, supposed to be there limb... natural in the sense of an arm or a leg is natural, not in that of a zit or bruise...

I don't know where I'm going with this really. I don't know much of anything these days really.

My guilty conscious gave way to some serious confessions on my part, a very delayed exhibit of remorse and now the theory of a new start. It's hard to tell whether or not this theory is in fact a reality or not.

I guess that all in all, I'm not one hundred percent convinced that it's possible outside of fairytales. That is most likely my Debbie Downer side reary it's ugly head tonight.  I dunno.

There is an emptiness, a void that is very seldom filled. I can't find the right words to describe it. I can't make sense of it. I'm spiraling downward, not out of control, but a controlled spiral, as if that makes any sense.

I'm always thinking. It's weird thought. There are like nine hundred bazillion thoughts in there but I'm not thinking any single one's just chaos.  Imagine you are at a crowded restaraunt. You are there on a date, (insert your partners name here)... ya'll are having a nice conversation, sipping your drinks, nibbling on an appetizer, thinking about what you want to do to him/her when you get them back to the house... then the conversations from all the surrounding tables begin to get louder and gets harder and harder to hear your partner or even concentrate on their words.... then the kitchen doors swing open, plates fall to the floor with a crash and break....

It's kind of like that. A whole lot going on and not being able to focus in on one particular thought.

That's where I am. Waiting for low tide so I can break free... or even high tide to wash away these thoughts and feelings.