Friday, December 3, 2010

high tide low tide

There is a numbness that presents itself and then vanishes. Like the ocean crashing gently upon the shore, bringing it's foamy endlessness, saturating the sand and then repetitiously fading away. I wake up some mornings and all seems fine, then without warning, for no reason, it creeps up on me. It clings on as if it is a naturally occuring, supposed to be there limb... natural in the sense of an arm or a leg is natural, not in that of a zit or bruise...

I don't know where I'm going with this really. I don't know much of anything these days really.

My guilty conscious gave way to some serious confessions on my part, a very delayed exhibit of remorse and now the theory of a new start. It's hard to tell whether or not this theory is in fact a reality or not.

I guess that all in all, I'm not one hundred percent convinced that it's possible outside of fairytales. That is most likely my Debbie Downer side reary it's ugly head tonight.  I dunno.

There is an emptiness, a void that is very seldom filled. I can't find the right words to describe it. I can't make sense of it. I'm spiraling downward, not out of control, but a controlled spiral, as if that makes any sense.

I'm always thinking. It's weird thought. There are like nine hundred bazillion thoughts in there but I'm not thinking any single one specifically...it's just chaos.  Imagine you are at a crowded restaraunt. You are there on a date, (insert your partners name here)... ya'll are having a nice conversation, sipping your drinks, nibbling on an appetizer, thinking about what you want to do to him/her when you get them back to the house... then the conversations from all the surrounding tables begin to get louder and louder...it gets harder and harder to hear your partner or even concentrate on their words.... then the kitchen doors swing open, plates fall to the floor with a crash and break....

It's kind of like that. A whole lot going on and not being able to focus in on one particular thought.

That's where I am. Waiting for low tide so I can break free... or even high tide to wash away these thoughts and feelings.

Friday, November 26, 2010

why?

Why is "make up" sex so fucking amazing. Like to the point that I'm currently thinking of things to fight with Jen about just so this phenomenol sex doesn't end.  Lol. I'm seeing a side of my partner I've never seen in the two years we've been together...it's good shit. Like, Really good shit.

dear santa

Dear Santa--

Recent events in my life have most definitely reserved me a spot on the Naughty list.  This just will not do.  You see I fully believe that at some point or another, EVERYONE makes a mistake or two, and while the severity of said mistake may vary from case to case.... mistakes happen nonetheless.  My point is that I'm sorry.  I'm sorry that I can't explain how this mistake happened or even why. I'm just sorry. I'm sorry that I consistently hurt those around me and let so many people down. I'm just sorry. I don't know what to do to fix this and get off of the naughty list, but I am looking for suggestions.  If you can find it your big ass North Pole heart to look past said mistake and put me back on the Nice List I'd really appreciate it.

If this happens and I know I'm probably pushing it here, but Santa, I can't help but make an additional request.  I prepared my wishlist, if you get around to it, I mean...

All I want for Christmas is:

Clarity

Forgiveness

Trust

Strength

Understanding

Compassion

There are several other things that I'd like, but I don't want to be greedy AND I'm not necessarily thinking clearly these days.  I dunno. 

Hopefully I'll at least get off the Naughty list.

Thanks for listening and Happy Holidays big guy...

Tommy

Thursday, November 25, 2010

Thursday, November 18, 2010

more work, less play

Still working my ass off... but at least I have great people at work to keep me amused. Not my bosses so much, but like the actual employees.  I'm serious when I say that I was mexican in another life.  There is just no other explanation. I love everything about the culture for the most part, I just love it all.  But that's not the point of this blog.

Last week one of the guys at work, we call him Coco...short for Cocodrilo (which is crocodile in spanish) was working with me.  He normally works as part of the shipping team, but I needed an extra hand in my department so my fellow supervisor let me borrow him and one other guy, we call him Ladies man, lol.  Anyway... these guys were helping me organize some stuff and get cleaned up and my boss came up.  He immediately starts talking smack and has just an arrogant beligerant tone about him when Coco puffs up...stands in between my boss and I and says, "HEY you got a problem con tommy, you got a problem con me." I couldn't do anything but smile. I was weak. Even my boss had to step back and say, damn... I need people like that working for me.

I had an interview on Tuesday. It was with the DMV... I dunno... I hate my job most days and I definitely hate the long ass hours I work and seven day work weeks, but... I'm scared to find something different. Does that make any sense? I'm scared that the grass isn't always greener, etc etc etc.

It all goes back to me wanting to win the lottery. I dunno. There is a chance of me having the weekend off this weekend...won't know until tomorrow.... keeping my fingers crossed.

Monday, November 1, 2010

on the plus side

On the plus side... after blogging last night, I felt a lot better.  Jen was waiting there for me and we talked a few more minutes about things on our minds... it was funny though, right before we had some incredibly quick sex (it was already way past my old ass bedtime...) Jen looked at me and said, "You blogged about this didnt you..." LOL. At least she knows me. 

After the quickie that we both desperately needed Jen held me for a sec and said, "Hun, there's no way that you aren't gay." Puzzled I asked how she could be so sure... her response was, "I've been with enough women to know that the things you do and what you're capable of in the bedroom... well lets just say if you were pretending or in a phase, you wouldn't be nearly so damn good End of story, you're gay."

Well then that's settled. Lol. Glad she could clear that up for me... AND  an ego boost like no other. Who doesn't want to be told they are a rock star in bed and complimented on their tongue skills, lol.

The spark will come back when our schedules mesh up a lil better than they have. Jen reminded me that we can make it through anything... easier to remember when I've had a decent nights sleep.

For now, a few applications to fill out and Sex and the City 2 with Jen :)...

Fizzle

I just finished a 21 day working streak with no day off.  Let's just say I don't recommend it to anyone.  To unplug, I got a hotel room... I seemed to have extra money for a change so it was justifiable in my mind and I escaped.  I told Jen that I just needed to do this for my own mental health...which anyone who really knows me, knows that I'm not kidding.

I voluntarily committed myself about six years ago after the death of my grandfather... I was going through a serious bout of depression...which then made doctors think I was bipolar among other things... long story short, my short stint in the nut house, which was ridiculous... they took my shoe laces, cds, and anything I or someone else could harm themselves with... checked to ensure we returned our silverware after eating in the cafeteria, etc... I got the bill and even with what my insurance covered, that was the most expensive one night getaway EVER. I then vowed to my mom that if I ever felt the need to get away or unplug that I think a Holiday Inn would be sufficient.  Granted the bed in the Super 8 sucked and my back hurt this morning, but it was awesome to get uninterrupted sleep... just have me time and be alone with my thoughts.

I checked my voicemails from yesterday this morning and it dawned on me why I had "extra" money... I fucking forgot to make my car payment... I thought for sure I had, since I pay it along with all of my other middle of the month bills, but apparently I got sidetracked or distracted and forgot to finish.  Now I have about four bucks to my name until Thursday when I get paid... which is doable, so long as nothing else I forgot about clears before then. Oh and rent is due tomorrow... I guess everyone is allowed an irresponsible moment every now and then.

She'll probably get pissed if she reads this and sees that I'm venting via blog, which is part of the reason I've considered starting a new one that she doesnt know about... but I'd rather her be mad than to seem like I'm hiding shit... long story short, I think Jen and I are fizzling out. 

Things have been strained a lot lately.  I can blame a lot of it on my crazy work schedule and the fact that we rarely see each other.  It's tough. Even when we get to see each other, neither of us are in the same mood.  It's like we are incapable of both being happy at the same time... If I'm excited, she's drained or in a bad mood and vice versa.  I've been picking up signs here and there, but have been scared to say anything because I don't want to stir up a bunch of shit.

Well tonight, after she and lil man got back from trick or treating, and he was in bed... I finally talked to her.  I told her my concerns about how I think it's just a matter of time before she calls it quits.  Her biggest complaints about me are: (my own paraphrasing here)... I'm anal as hell when it comes to cleaning and she doesn't feel like she can do anything right or in a way that's going to keep me from cleaning right behind her and that I'm always so fucking negative.  I'm a bubble buster. If she's happy about something then I'm going to find something to rain on her parade...AND she doesn't feel like she can talk to me anymore because she gets really tired of me telling her that she worries too much or that she needs to stop freaking out.... among other things.

One of my questions for her this evening was: What is keeping you here?  That's when my concern/fear (I'm not sure of what word to use here) became apparent... Her response was, I don't know.  Oddly enough, that is the answer I was expecting--unfortunately that didn't make it any easier to hear. 

It was at that point she said she was done talking and went to bed. I got in the bathtub and soaked for a while, climbed into bed and felt that same enormous distance that I've felt for a while now... We talked a little bit more and it turns out that about a month or so ago she vented to a friend of hers back home in Colorado.  Her friend agreed that she was entitled and justified in feeling the way she was.  So I asked okay, so when are you going to talk to me about it? The general gist of the story was that she doesn't want to hurt my feelings and she doesn't want to deal with the lash out that she thinks will follow... apparently whatever it is, is crucial if she thinks I'm going to fly off the handle and say really hateful shit afterwards.

I dunno. I just want to her to talk to me. I'm tired of us both walking on egg shells around the other and neither of us saying what we really feel.  I told her before I got back out of bed to check tomorrows weather and blog to ease my mind so that I can sleep before a long day in work hell... I told her that one of my fears is that either one or both of us is only sticking this out because of the lease.  She mentioned that I've joked about that before... but seriously, here lately I feel like that's all we have in common.

To top it off I'm going to admit to something that isn't easy for me to do at all.  I think I'm having a sexual identity crisis.  I'm by no means saying that i'm not gay or that I want to go have sex with men, but what I am saying is that i've been thinking a lot lately.  I'm currently in my girlie phase.  I alternate and go through phases where i make a genuine effort to feel feminine... the make up, the hair... my hair is the longest its been in years... make up is warn at least 6 days a week and I even considered carrying a purse a few days ago... Part of me wants to think this is because of the twentyish pounds I've lost just from working all the damn time... but I digress...

I've been thinking shit like, if I hadn't been raped when I was 19, a couple of months before my 20th birthday, would I still be gay?  If my first time had been voluntary and not because some shit was slipped into my beer at a frat party... would I still be in the same place that I am now?   I'd still be attracted to women, because well that's kind of always been a thing... once I let myself acknowledge it anyway.  I dunno... it's hard to put into words and even saying shit like this has me freaking out because of the number of people potentially judging me, beginning with the most important, JEn.  Because yes, I talked to her about this stuff tonight as well.  I admitted to her that the reason I have given her so much shit in the past in reference to "if we ever break up, I'm not convinced she wouldn't go back to men" is because sometimes I wonder about me.  How do I know if this is the real me or not?  I have so much shit happening in my head right now it's not even funny.

Years ago, I was dating this guy and I fell hard and fast for him.  (My past progressed like this: Rape, turbo whore because I thought the only way guys would like me is if I fucked them... playing with girls.... this guy.... girls full time....all in a short period of time if that makes sense)... This guy was in the navy and was here doing some type of training class for a few months.  When it was time for him to leave I thought for sure he'd be asking me to go back to GA/FL with him.... he never asked.  It turned out that he wasn't divorced like he claimed... he was still married and his wife was expecting their first child.  I had been the other woman... someone to keep him amused while his wife was back home, out of state... I was distraught.  Shortly thereafter I moved to Nashville TN for a change of scenery... and had sworn off men completely... I was heart broken.  At least with women, I could be the dominant one, I could be in control, I could have things go any way I wanted to.  Played, partied, and had quite a bit of fun... but got homesick...

Came back to VA and within a month was dating Stephanie.  I had known her for a few years, but we never really ever hung out. She had always been in a relationship with the love of her life...but had actually just moved back to the area after said love of her life had ditched her for a dude (after they had both moved and bought a house in NY...) She and my mom, and eventually me all worked at the same place... we ended up dating for about two years or so... but it was rough. We'd break up for weeks and months in between, say hateful shit to each other. She made me wreck my truck (well indirectly... she was arguing with me on the phone and wouldn't drop it and I rearended someone on the interstate in morning rush hour traffic...) I tried to run her over at one point after that, lol....

Wow...I'm rambling... it's late and that alarm will be going off soon...but I have to get all of this nonsense out.  After Stephanie and I broke up and had several months of just me time and then met Maggie.... Maggie was WAY older than me, but I was attracted to that aspect.  Unfortunately she was way more immature than I was.  She was content smoking pot 24/7 and hooking up with her ex on the regular. 

It was about six months into dating maggie and being miserable, just not really having the balls to say fuck you it's over for real when I started talking to Jen.  I made it clear to Jen that I was in a relationship, and she was quite innocent.  But then it turned into me thinking more about Jen than I was about maggie, to include the times when I was laying right there next to Maggie.  So while I didn't physically cheat... I may as well have.

November 8th is when we made our relationship official... merely 4 days after my break up with Maggie.  I didn't speak to maggie for a year and half...though recently added her as a friend on facebook with jens approval... (jen wanted to be flaunted and she wanted maggie to see how happy we are...but then when maggie started cmmenting on stuff, Jen wanted her deleted, lol... I still haven't done that, just on principle.)  I fell hard and quick for Jen... that was almost 2 years ago.  I'm wondering if my relationship shelf life is 2 years and that's it... or if Jen and I will work through this rough patch we are experiencing.

None of this probably makes sense, but I just don't know how else to say what It is that I'm trying to say. I'm confused. I'm confused as to how the two of us can just seem numb and be going through the motions, but not really feeling anything anymore.  I'm curious as to what's really on her mind and what she vented to her friend about a month or so ago.  Tonight when I questioned her about when she'd tell me about it, she just said she wasn't ready.  I laid there for a few more minutes waiting for her to say good night I love you... I got tired of waiting and came into the other room, where I am now.  it's a bummer.  I hear all the things that she dislikes about me...I very rarely here any positives.  I'm sure she feels the same way.

I'm just curious as to what this all means.  She told me that it's like we are both on separate roads. I agree with her. Neither of us are headed to the same place, even if we don't know where our individual destinations are, we just know that there's no way in hell that we are gonna end up at the same place.

My mind is racing. It's a waiting game and the ball is in her court.  I just dont know much of anything right now.  I can't help but feel like the spice has up and left and the fizzle is moving in quickly. 

Well, she just came out here looking for me...wondering when I was coming back to bed. I guess that's a good sign if she missed me in the bed....right? I just dont know much of anything right now. Nothing at all.

Thursday, October 7, 2010

It occurred to me

It occurred to me in the strangest place.  The toilet.  The toilet is a place that I love to be.  I do my best thinking there sometimes.  This particular evening (tonight about three minutes ago)...I was searching for new blogs to follow.  Sometimes I use the next blog feature, other times I search by keyword (which is nine times out of ten way more productive)... all while contemplating the workings of the universe and hoping we don't run out of toilet paper before payday... ha.  Anyway, it came to me...

I was getting ready to blog, it was going to be yet another boring bitch fest about how I hate my job and I fucked up at work and these are the repercussions type of blog, but it occurred to me that it's been a LONG fucking time since I blogged about something awesome, happy, or just down right great....

Tonight is the night folks.  Tonight is the mother fucking night.  Here's some of the good shit that doesn't get mentioned in my blogs as of late:

Lil Man started 1st grade...

 I got to visit my favorite place... Cape Hatteras, NC--when my brother got married on 9/11/10
 This is lil man and my brother's (new wife's daughter)...so daughter, she's a lil over a year older than lil man...they don't normally get along this well ;) Lil man was the ring bearer
 My brother before the wedding... yes, holding the bouquet (a decorated conch shell) AND yes, wearing a tuxedo t-shirt...lol.  Why the hell he tucked it in, I dunno...when I asked him later about it he responded, he said "He was keeping it classy."

 The real story, lol

 Me relaxing after the wedding... Jen didn't get to make it because of work...it was just me and lil man and pepper.  I'm growing my hair out for some reason AND haven't colored it in over 6 months if you can believe that.  I need a trim some kind of bed...but hey at least the front looks good.

 My niece Charley turned one year old.  She is such a doll baby... I just love that lil girl...wish I got to see her more (and her mom)... the was before the cake shenanigans... she was already wore out from playing and just let me hold her.  I'm going through the I want a baby stage.  Jen and I are in talks...she already has one...it's my turn, I'm just way to broke right now.

 Jen and lil man... my family :) I love her more than life itself (but not in a creepy way, haha)... and I love him to death too.  We are about to hit our two year anniversary... tomorrow will be a month away. Kind of a big deal.

 The two of us... :)
 Charley with Granny (my mom)...
 Me and Charley
 Admit it...SHE'S FUCKING ADORABLE...drool and all :)
 Lil man and I being dumb and posing for photo ops...

 And my latest painting. I decided to go simple.  I like it. It's hanging on the living room wall :) Hooray for cape hatteras, nc...

And for now...we'll leave it at that. I"m not completely miserable... I just forget to mention the good stuff sometimes.

Friday, October 1, 2010

the waiting game

I'm waiting.

I sit patiently with an abnormal addition, a vodka/light hawaiian punch... I'm waiting for jen to get off of work. I'm craving her. I want to lick her and love her, pin her down and just engulf her.. I want to absorb her, soak her up into every ounce of my being.

The only thing abnormal about this is the vodka chilling in my glass.  Vodka inspired by fear, by collapse, by defeat. Inspired by yet another mishap.  I don't understand it.

Today was such a great day overall. I got home by 5 o'clock... had some me time, unwound a lil bit, took a hot bath... then my phone beeped with a text message. It was my boss and it was after 6, this made no sense.  As I opened the phone to read the text I prayed for a text saying that there was no work tomorrow after all.  NOT THE CASE.  The text said and I quote:

"Unbelievable story just wanted to share. Got a call from O who got a call from T who got a call from S n L. They were went 1 pallet of the wrong trays again.????????"

Yeah, remember the last blog I wrote, the one about sending the wrong items on the transfer order.  Well apparently by some freak act of nature and warehousing in general, we sent a pallet of the wrong stuff TWO TIMES, not just once now. By we, I mean me.  Now I'm enjoying some vodka and waiting for Jen to get home... in hopes of doing deviant things to her and trying like HELL to not think about the fact that I don't know how long I'll still have a job. I'm freaking out.

Fuck me in the ass sideways... (NOT LITERALLY).  I'm scared.

Friday, September 24, 2010

I fucked up

It's official, I fucked up.  I was in charge of a transfer order a couple of weeks ago.  I pulled all the inventory for the order and then gave it to the shipping supervisor to get out the door.  I found out today that some of the trays I sent were the wrong ones.  This lead to the right ones needing to be overnighted from VA to Washington State which cost the company about 800 bucks.  We also had to send the balance of the trays that were needed for the company we outsourced some work to, to complete and ship on time out via estes... about 13 pallets. 

The crappy thing is that there was no system of checks and balances.  The shipping supervisor didn't even have paperwork for what was supposed to go out to verify that what I gave him was correct.  I never have a quality person working with me to verify stuff so it's like Im expected to never make a mistake. 

I dunno.  With everything else that is happening in work hell, I just feel like this is the ammunition they needed to get me out the door sooner than later.  I've never been in a situation with such a serious "boys club"... Here's the deal:

I'm:
Female
Gay
Independent
A strong mind
Opinionated
A thinker
A leader
a by the book/follow procedures person

They are:
Male
Hetero
recruiters of Yes men
want things their way
Hate it when someone points out a fault in their plan

I dunno...it's ridiculous.  I don't even want to talk about it anymore.  But it seem sto be all I have to talk about. This is where I spend all my time.  I never see Jen, I never have money even though I work all these hours because of this ass raping called salary... but I should be able to see the blesssings right... I should appreciate the small things... IT'S FUCKING HARD.

I called my mom this afternoon on lunch.  It's hard because I never see her anymore either compared to what I used to.  All I do is work AND now that I live 40 minutes away my visits are quite limited. I'm going through withdrawls. They decided about 11 o'clock that we need to work tomorrow after saying all week that we were going to be off this saturday. This is what pisses me off.  I cried. I cried I cried.

I was upset because my niece just turned one on Wednesday and Saturday was to be the day taht I could spend time with her since she lives out of town...along with my sister. Now my time is limited.  Very limited. After the party that I'm going to be late for, I need to try and give my grandma a perm.  I'm not going to have a weekend free for a while because of work and when I do have free time I/m going to have to be doing Santa's hair getting him ready for his gigs...

It's not that I cant say no.  It's just that I rely on some things for extra money (money which is needed and not really extra actually)... like gmas perm, or santas hair, or my client that I do about every 5 weeks.

I'm stressed all the time, I have no money to just do whatever with.  I have property taxes due and no way to pay it right now... this is really bumming me out.  I'mt rying to make it work, I really am.  It's just hard.

I cried when I got home today.  Jen was still here, she was getting ready for work, lil man was with the sitter.  Its hard. I want to tell her about my day and all the things on my mind, but then she worries about me and stresses out more than she should.  She said she feels helpless because when she offers help I dont want it.  She has her own financial obligations and I feel bad enough only being able to do what little I can, I don't want to feel like I'm gettin an allowance from her you know.  I'm not overly proud... I just think that her money could be better spent, bills, groceries etc.

I feel like I never have a day off because even when I am at home as few as those instances are, I'm cleaning, scrubbing, doing six loads of laundry, or somethign to that effect.  Why can't I turn off my things need to be clean self?  I was going to clean tonight but just said fuck it. Whats the point, it will be dirty again tomorrow.  Nothing seems to get put back up unless I do it. Nothing gets put away unless I do it.  Jen has given up to some extent because she hates how I come behind her and clean what she's just cleaned.  Well you know what IM SORRY. I'm sorry that when I walk into a bathroom that has just been cleaned and see pee around the base of the toilet from the only person in the house that has an aiming device but hasn't mastered it yet that I feel compelled to clean it.  I'm sorry that i can only walk over the same wad of dog hair on the carpet for so many days in a row. I'm sorry that I think we should cook dinner, like actually means and not do fast food or take out except for special occassions... but by the time I get home It's too late for that to happen and not have a six year old freaking out about how hungry he is.

I'm sorry that for some reason Ic an't do anything right in the eyes of a 6 year old because I don't think the way he has been acting is school is tolerable.  I'm sorry that I had to overhear him for the second day in a row tell the babysitter that he wanted her to read to him and not me because I read too fast and don't say the words right. (Which I don't, he just wants me to read it super slow or more than one book so that he can stay up later, but whatever, what do I now)...

I'm sorry that I'm over fucking sensitive and when I see the straightening iron out on the bathroom counter and Jen's hair done i immediately ask myself who she's trying to impress... I'm not used to her doing her hair... she goes through phases... but several times in one week and I'm not the one seeing her... I have to assume that she's making an effort for someone.  I'm sorry I'm a jackass for thinking such things.

I'm sorry that in recent conversations I realized that Jen's fear is that I'm going to cheat on her because of the fact that I was with someone when we started talking.  I never physically cheated, but in her mind, because I was laying next to one woman and thinking about a potential with her that I'll do the same thing to her eventually except she won't be the "other woman", she'll be the one I'm looking to replace.  Though I don't get it.  I dont have time for her much less anyone else.  She sees how disgusting I am when i get home from work, how depressed i've been for several weeks/months now... why would this come up now?

this blog is meant as a means to vent only... I'm not trying to share with the entire free world that jen and I are having issues...because it's not like that.  It's just the fact that in my eyes everything is amplified. I feel alone and trapped in my job, I'm overly tired, I'm super sensitive and feel like my partner and son hate me and like I can't do anything right EVER.

I'm drowning. Silently wasting away.  All I can do at this point is hope and pray that I find the strength to keep going, that some great thing happens soon to solve everything that is contributing to my issues.  Because at the end of the day, I'm the only common denominator in all my issues.  Just me. I can't blame anyone else despite my need to bitch about everyone and everything (ie Pepper putting her paw on my keyboard as I typed and making my 1 key pop off.   Awesome.

I just want to disappear sometimes. Move somewhere new and start fresh.  Take my lottery winnings and see things.  Settle down in somewhere like oregon or Vermont and call it a day.  Summer wherever the hell I want to...

I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't know what to do.  Jen's response to my episode this afternoon did nothing but show me that she's nearing her wits end.  I'm driving her mad but I cant put into words what I'm trying to say in order to communicate with her better.  I always say shit wrong. 

I miss the excitement that used to be in her face when I got home, now it's more of a look of dread that she's going to have to hear about how shitty my day was.  I don't know what to do.  This is the only me I've ever known... the one who deals with shit, shit and more shit until I finally spring a leak, break, and have to start all over again.

i'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get fired from the job I hate before I can find something else and leave voluntarily.  I'm scared that I'm going to push jen over the edge and then really be alone. i'm scared that lil man is going to grow up and hate me because I hold him accountable for shit and dont cave when he's on punishment and loses things like tv, video games or transformers... I'm scared that I'm growing apart from my family because i never see them anymore, I'm scared that pepper will grow to hate me and bite my face off in my sleep because I moved her from a 100 acre farm to an apartment, I'm scared that the dream job I want doesnt exist. I'm scared i'll be broke forever. I'm scared that I'll spend my entire life busting my ass only for nothing to come from it. I'm scared that I'm really just a failure who is too stubborn to admit it. I'm scared that I'm just incapable of doing anything right. I'm scared that I'm going to continue to lose friendships because I go through phases where I just don't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.

I'm scared of sooo many things.I'm scared that Jen will actually go to blogger after not going for so long and read this and be hurt by it because that isn't my intention.  On the same note however, this is my outlet, this is my getaway, my release. 

I don't care that her ex may potentially still read everything I write on here to keep tabs of her/us... I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to censor myself just because I was worried about what someone my think.  That's not being true to myself by any means. ANd while I'm on the subject do I get pissed off that Jen still talks to her ex, sure, sometimes.  I trust jen and know that nothing is going on, but the other part of me wants to say hey... don't you wish you had admitted to yourself and everyone around you that you're gay instead of living a lie and ripping Jens heart out in the process... I dunno, that's a whole other topic and I have work in the morning so I need to get off of here anyway.  Not enough hours in the day for me to truely vent, or gigabytes for that matter I suppose.

For now, i'mgoing to bed. I'm going to take pepper outside to pee and probably not pick up the pile of dog shit, should she decide to do number two.  I'm going to step over the dog hair patches on the carpet, walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and folded laundry on the counter, use to toilet that I'll probably have to wipe pee off of to sit down on, lay out my clothes for work, turn on the fan so that we can accumulate a little bit more electricity charges, and climb into bed, alone because Jen is still working.

I dunno, mabye all this could be fixed with a hug. I'm scared to have a beer and kick back becuase what if tastes great and then I need a beer or five everyday... what if what if what if.

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to something more relevant:

Weeping pussy
Chickenshit
Debbie Downer

I'm open for suggestions.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Forklift Fury

I'm kind of disappointed in how the whole concept of business plays out sometimes.  It all makes sense when you look at the bottom line and profit margin, etc... but a lot of times, business lacks heart.  Lacks compassion. Lacks... well just lacks.

I have a great team overall.  I have a couple of guys on power jacks, one on a reach truck, one is my new lead/QA guys...blah blah blah.  Well, recently there was talk of pulling one of my guys off of the jack and putting him on the forklift.  He worked on the forklift a few days last week and then up until yesterday.  He did a phenomenal job.  Didn't dump any pallets unlike my current reach truck guy, AND my previous reach truck guy who is now on a jack....

Well this morning I had to pull him off the forklift and put this other guy who is technically a part of my team, but who effing knows everything (and nothing) all at the same time, butts heads with me all the time and who I want gone but who somehow manages to keep staying in the building on the forklift because all last week he talked a bunch of shit about being a pro and "how he could do so much better than the other ugys" he could show them a thing or two, etc etc etc

What it boils down to is that now I have a great guy who was better than anyone else being pulled off of equipment and made to think he did something wrong when I have other guys that dump shit on the regular still on equipment.  It's business.  Money. Bottom lines.

He asked his boss about getting more money for using equipment which he was entitled to do.  Equipment operators are paid more than regular workers.  Everyone knows this.  Rather than give him that extra 50 cent or dolllar (this company pays next to nothing to their workers) they pulled him off equipment and put this other guy who they already paid more money to do QA things on the equipment.

He looked heartbroken.  He looks like a hispanic kung fu panda (to be honest that's what the guys at work call him is panda for that very reason)... I had to get my guy jose who speaks english as a primary language translate some stuff so that nothing would be lost in translation.  I wanted him to know that he hadn't done anything wrong and that he did a great job, but that it was the big guys decisions and not mine.

Luckily by 8 am I had him smiling again.  He and the other guys were taking turns wearing my purple american eagle hoodie (it's amaryllis season so we are working in the coolers now)... they were rocking it to... looking like big damn purple teletubbies... it didn't matter.  They were having fun.

I dunno. I hate the cold side of business.  I like to think it's not like that everywhere and that maybe it's only pissing me off because I'm unhappy where I'm at.  I dunno.  I often think that I'm just entirely too soft to make it in the world of business.  Then other days I'm a typical corporate bitch.  I dunno.  Makes no sense.

Tuesday, September 21, 2010

meandering

As I stood in the dark starring at the sky.... I realized that even at 29 I believe you are never too old to wish on a star.

First star I see tonight...

It's a nightly thing for me it seems.  Part of my routine as Pepper does her business.... I wish for different things, sometimes general happiness, sometimes just to be able to make it through the following day at work.  I feel selfish for doing it though. 

I mean, If I'm wishing on the first star I see at night, how many other people are wishing on that same star?  Maybe it's stupid, but this is an example of what I think about.... I'm genuinely concerned that what if my wish does come true... does that mean that someone elses won't?  If I were to put my wish on a scale and someone elses on another, whose would way more?

Is it wrong that even with this concern I still feel compelled to make those wishes.  Whether to wake up in a good mood or come into a large sum of money... next to someone elses life, I dunno, I'm probably already rich...

I dunno how to put into words all that I'm saying.  I'm stressed.  I have property taxes due, I don't even have money to go thrift store shopping ... I miss that. I love living with Jen, I really do, but I'm just still adjusting to the paying rent thing.  Things are shitty at work because I was a sort of whistle blower and now the boys club treats me like a narc.  I don't care overall, it just means that they don't feel my day with a bunch of uselessness that I just don't have time for.  I'm looking for something else... I just hope that when I leave it's voluntary and not otherwise.

My brother is now married and I've gained a sister.  My niece Charley turns 1 tomorrow... she'll be in town with my sister... this weekend. Exciting. Soooo exciting.

I dunno, a lot on my mind and not enough time to work through it all.  I hope there are enough stars to go around... I need a bright one, soon.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

hmm

I feel like all the talking I did yesterday was for nothing.  I work with a bunch of men who never acknowledge that they could even potentially be the root of a problem.  After discussing with someone whom I thought would listen, (I'm assuming the issue has been mentioned to them as well)... they in the most politically correct condescending way possible basically told me today that (this is my paraphrasing of course) I am bipolar and that communication can't be one sided and only on days that tommy's in the mood to communcate.  We cant help that some days you have a sense of humor and then other days you want to be serious....

I dunno.  I give up.  I'm just going to smile. Do as I'm told and keep it moving.  This whole thing has escalated and I know that it's going to just make a jacked up situation way worse.  A boys club that I've never felt a part of (for real) that I've felt a time or three has been trying to push me out... just might end up doing it.  Hopefully I wont be terminated for some dumb shit before something else comes my way.  I'm worried. Yeh. Definitely worried.

Oh and side note, my brother is getting married on Saturday. yay. I just need to smile and keep it moving on that note.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

Not enough hours

Have you ever put off blogging despite having a bazillion and one things to write about? It's almost as if you know it's going to take hours of your day/life to get everything out so you put it off and put it off, only adding to the already lengthy list of things you want to get off your chest, share, or bitch about.... that's where I'm at now.

So I'm going to recap and jump around and maybe not make sense (as if that as has ever stopped me before...) so just don't freakin judge me... I'm a chick on the edge and to be quite frank, I just don't have the fucking time for it. 

I'm working INSANE ASSININE hours at work. Week before last I worked 96 fucking hours if you can even imagine... No that is not a typo... 96 fucking hours.  One day from hell I showed up at 7 am and didn't leave until 2 am...  ridiculous.  Things are super stressful at work and really the only thing I can find positive in the situation is that I have a job right now and that I can pay my bills.  I hit my threshold today.  It's been at the point where I dread going to work...I can't handle the boys club feel and the way I'm treated anymore.  I can't go into detail, but I finally vented to someone who would listen.... even if she had to... it was a nice change to talk and not see someone's eyes glaze over or to be told to Man up or some other dumb shit... there are just so many things to vent about right now and it's neither the time or the place... I'm just fed up.  The long hours, the inorganization, the lack of communication among other things... frustrating to say the least.

Unfortunately, they say things get worse before they get better (I know this to be true from an after work hours text message that I receivend to night.) Frustrating.

These days I feel like I have no outlet.  I have no one to vent to, and I feel alone in the world and my own little hell.  Things between Jen and are fine, when we see each other that is.  I feel like I now pay rent and see her less than I did when we just saw each other on the weekends... they say the first year of living together is the hardest and again, I believe whoever "they" are... I love Jen very much and I love lil man, but unfortunately my job has me in such a negative head space that it often times effects my time with them.  Lil man constantly asks if he did something wrong when he hasn't... it's insane and I feel awful about it.  And Jen, well Jen does her best to help around the house and keep a happy face on despite my foul moods and sleep deprived self... and then I go and make matters worse by coming in all OCD and refolding laundry that she just folded or cleaning somethign that she just cleaned which sends the message of hey you arent doing it right, rather than hey babe, I appreciate everything you do and thank you.

I'm an asshole.  I'm a tired miserable asshole.  I'm an old person with no spunk or pizzazz... I'm a total bore.

To top it off I no longer talk to my best friend because her girlfriend is psychotic and has a crush on Jen (though I know jen is going nowhere), my friend potentially tells her new boo everything and hence my fear of venting to my bf and it getting to lil girl crush girl and her start some shit, because heres the kicker, this girl is one of jens employees... can you say drama... it sucks that I dont feel comfy talking to my friend anymore... but shes all smitten and in uhaul mode and this girl is young and dumb and word on the street is sleeping with some married guy, but my bf thinks she's totally gay... I feel guilty bc I wanted my bf to be happy and to have someone in her life because she always talked about being lonely and what not... now it's backfired and I dont feel comfortable telling her whats up for real.  It's weird..

Anyway, I've blogged all I can tonight...I still have to do something for work and then get to bed at a decent hour.  My goal tomorrow morning is to get up ass early, do my makeup, do my hair, and go to work with my head held high, knowing that everything is going to work out on a positive note... besides... I'll look smokin hot for all my mexicans, lol. One guy calls me Mi Amor... which I told Jen about and she found not nearly as humorous as I do, he's got a wife and kid in mexico, or Guatemala, I'm not sure... and he knows I only like hombres for amigos... lol...which makes it that much more amusing, but I've decided that when I makemore money, I want to have a baby.  A mexican baby.  End of story.  A mexican baby that will be BEAUTIFUL.

I feel lke 50 pounds lighter now that I've told someone at work whats up.  I couldn't hold it in any longer.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

Lil Man goes fishing

This is back from Memorial Day weekend... but I love it.  Lil man got his chance to go fishing with Santa after behaving nearly all school year (there was only a couple of weeks of school left)... He had a blast. Here he is really in a fish.

Place: Hatteras, NC (my fave place in the world and now Jen's and lil man's as well)

Makes me smile

I'm once again in a sharing mood.  This particular share involves my 10 month old niece Charley... She makes me all warm and tingly inside and I just friggin' love her to death.  But anyway, please excuse my appearance, I didn't realize until this video how much weight gain monogamy has caused me, lol.  (though I'm not complaining) Jen and I are going on a diet together starting Monday to attempt to drop some pounds that both of us are not comfortable carrying around.  I may have to burn that striped polo as well... but anyway here it is. 

Charley laughs hysterically while pepper does one of her tricks.

And well since I'm in a sharing mood... here's one from a month or so ago... she was laughing hysterically at the dogs then too...

She's a freakin' sweet heart. I love her.

Friday, July 23, 2010

A soldier's homecoming

I'm keeping this short but felt it important to share my excitement in what I'm about to reveal... MY DAD IS BACK.  After a year in Kosovo... our soldier has returned.  He flew into Norfolk last night (early no less, so Jen and I were the only ones there to greet him for a few minutes)... It's seems surreal that he was gone that long.  But nonetheless he is back and I'm excited.  My dad the Blackhawk helicopter maintenance test pilot... my hero.  On the not so up side... the word on the street is that he'll be home for maybe 6 months before heading to Iraq. :( (I copied this pics from my mom's facebook page (though I took them...and they got really distorted when I tried to enlarge them, but hey... you'll just have to make due.)

Kissey Face
Mom and Dad
Dad met his granddaughter Charley (now 10 mo. old) for the first time
Banner mom had made for the front porch
and of course the BEAUTIFUL Jen and myself (I picked her up from work to meet dad at the airport, then dropped her back off...she had a late work night planned) I just can't help but love her.

Friday, July 9, 2010

It seems to me

It seems to me that they changed the "branwny guy." Seems to me that he used to be dirty blonde, kinda longer hair, a lil bit eighties style hair... I dunno. I was just watching tv and the new one is dark haired and hella tan... I dont know, it just seemed weird to me.  I don't buy brawny paper towels so it's not like I'm going to lose sleep over it, but I was caught off guard nonetheless.

It's been a week since moving into our new place.  Pepper is having a hard time adjusting.  She stopped eating her food (not people food of course)... finally after the second day of a full food bowl I had to hand feed her the equivalent of two handfuls one piece at a time so she thought she was getting a treat... then it dawned on her that perhaps she was hungry after all.  She had explosive diarrhea for a few days as well ... breaks my heart to see her bumped out.  I'm going to the country tomorrow to do grandmas hair and to take her the cook out that my brother is having... so she'll be able to run, chase birds and squirrels and what not while we are there.  Pretty exciting stuff.

I'm having to adjust to Jen and my completely different sleep schedules, lol.  I try to go to bed by no later than 11 so that I can get up and motivated for work in the am... Jen does not.  There have been several occassions where she's been getting into bed or brushing her teeth to come to bed shortly before I'm getting out of the bed to go to work.  So I pout.  Like don't get me wrong, I want her to have her own life and she can stay up as long as she wants, but I guess in my mind I was just super excited knowing that i'd be going to bed and waking up next to her every morning.  I have to remind myself that there is plenty of time for this and we are both adjusting. 

I'm happy.  I have noticed that things like laundry, dishes, cleaning in general are way more fun when you are doing them in your place.  Not to say that things get done as quickly...lol... like i see dog hair on the floor and even though it's our place, it doesn't mean I'm going to get my big ass off the couch to actually vacuum right now... lol.

I dunno there's a lot on my mind I cant explain, I'm everywhere and nowhere all at the same time, just like I am most of the time... for now i'm going to walk away from the computer, put the leftovers in the fridge and put some clothes on so I'm ready to meet up with a friend and have a drink.  I'm in the mood for music.  I'm going to meet a friend of said friend and try to see how my gaydar reacts because my friend's gaydar is all fucked up in reference to her friend, lol... good times.  More to come later, when I actually figure shit out.

Wednesday, July 7, 2010

Weird.

I decided to do something nice and call grandma... yes, the grandma whose house I just moved out of and the same grandma whom I have not spoken to since Saturday.  I called her on my lunch break and talked to her for 13 minutes and 11 seconds.  Time which she used to tell me about vacation bible school and how she didn't realize she was 80 now until she tried to keep up with 4, 5, and 6 year olds... she told me about some friends of hers that died and how she tried to not call me because she figured I was busy.

She's cute.  I explained that she could call whenever she wanted to and that if I was working or busy I'd return her voicemail (this lady has NEVER not left a voicemail.) I kind of feel like this act was my good deed for the day.  I mean hell, it made her day... I guess I take for granted the little things that can occur and the emotions that can be experienced just with a simple phone call.  It's a shame I hate phones so bad.

The other good deed I did was requesting time off for my brothers wedding on 9/11 of this year.  Okay, how is this a good deed you ask? Well for starters, who the hell gets married on 9/11... i mean hello that day in my mind will always be associated with disaster, but eh... not important.  It's a good deed because I'm totally not feeling the whole situation.  I don't care for her as a person, I don't like who my brother has become... but in short, I'm being selfish and it's not about me.  I wasn't down for my sisters wedding either, to the point that I refused to be her maid of honor... I guess I'm an awful selfish person... I'm trying to be better, but damn if it's happening overnight.

Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Who am I?

I've been really out of character the past few days.  I've been a total girl and it's ridiculous.  Jen reminded me that the last time she checked, I had a vagina and therefore the "being a girl" thing was a given... I of course reminded her I didn't want to deal vagina unless I was licking it or something similar... which she may have found amusing, but I'm not sure...

I'm whiny and needy and overall irrational at times.

I was recently called out on always playing the "gay card" and how there's a time and a place to be gay and that perhaps I should tone it down ... "there's a time and a place for that..." My feelings were hurt to say the least.. it didn't help that I was in "girl mode" and pmsing, overly sensitive and what not...

The next day a situation came up and made it apparent that I was indeed "too gay."  I was all to pieces.  While I can't divulge details, because it isn't my place...I had convinced myself that Jen and I wouldn't be moving in together because what if it jeopardized her custody situation or something, I had a huge cry fest and really tried to dig down and figure out who I am.  I called Jen and talked to her and she assured me that everything was going to be fine... and that my being "super" gay balanced us out since she can't be very openly gay...

Regardless of minor details and probably not making much sense here, I've already gotten rid of my inappropriate Vagyna license plate, as well as cleaned out my entire wardrobe of lesbian humor shirts because lil man is reading pretty well these days and I'm not trying to have something I wear initiate an awkward conversation with a 6 1/2 year old.

But aside from me being seemingly "too gay"... the one place I thought I'd find solace in was a complete let down.  Hampton Roads Pride seemed like an amplified high school scene.  Every clique split up in their own little groups... barely anyone just openly talking to someone else... the best part was this band called Ffelt... but anyway... at least I got to see that there were other gays in va besides me and Jen.

After spending as much time crying as I have the past few days I'm kind of having a "ah hah" moment.  It's hard for me to believe that I'm as in love as I am.  I have a woman by my side who completes me for a lack of better words.  Our polar opposites compliment each other well and I long to be near her when I'm not.

I was talking to my mom and I admitted that for the first time in my entire life, I don't have the "power" in the relationship.  In past relationships, things were always my way or the highway... with Jen it's not a matter of who is in charge or who holds whose heart by the strings but a mutual understanding and acceptance of the other.... It's hard to explain, overwhelming at times.

I'm so excited to begin this next chapter of my life with Jen.  To know that we won't have to plan on who's going to be at whose house on which night, but know that we are coming home to each other... I have never looked forward to something so much in my entire life.  I feel like for once in my life the control freak in me is surrendering to the unknown and it's okay.  (I can't say I'm doing this in every area of my life, but in my relationship and moving in with Jen, absolutely.)

I've never experienced love like this.  A mature, grown up emotion that is often times unexplainable.  I love everything about her... her smile, her touch, the way she snores softly (normally not like a lumberjack) EVERYTHING.  Jen asked me a while ago if I was truly ever really going to be able to handle "this"...this being her and a kid who is a typical boy... and I had to step back and ask are you serious?  I failed to realize that she couldn't read my mind.  How would she know that I've never been in a relationship where I didn't break up/make up with my partner repetitively or having a wandering eye curious as to if there was something better... if I never remind her of that.  How would she know that that for the first time in my life, the anti-marriage me has actually imagined it... with her and only her.  I still believe that I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner, but I also have never been in a relationship like this one.  It's a good thing for sure.  it's new and it's fabulous. 

Sure, I'm rambling and probably not making a lot of sense, but the moral of the story is that when it all boils down to it, I know nothing is guaranteed in life, but for once I'm okay with the unknowns... because the person navigating my journey is worth that risk.

The move

I'm at the point where I'm freaking out.  There is still a lot to do and this control freak is having a hard time dealing with things that are out of my control.  There's a whole lot of what if this happens or what if this occurs, etc etc etc... Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited and soooo ready to move in with Jen.  I think it's a great thing for us... I'm just hoping I don't die before all of this goes down.

I have a giant pile of crap for a yard sale once the weather cools down, but even more crap to combine with Jen's and try to fit in an apartment.  I'm stressed out with work, despite calling out yesterday and only being here today for 49 minutes so far... I just hate this place.  I should be happy that I have a job, but something that seemed so perfect in the beginning is proving to be anything but at this point.  My boss is an arrogant asshole who thinks he knows everything and is currently pouting because he's convinced that I stole his idea for a suggestion I made, which I didn't... He doesn't have his facts straight that's for sure... one of my suggestions was something I also suggested at a previous employer and the other one I didn't claim as my own, I simply said, "I understand that ya'll used to do things this way... I think we should go back to that because the cost savings would be great..." I didn't make anything my own idea... I simply took a thought that I had been telling my boss, but who blocks me out because he gets tired of the sound of my voice thereby making nothing happen in the long run and presented the thought to the CEO who just so happened to agree with me.

I really just want to win the lottery.  Like tonight.  Win it, quit my job, find an awesome, reasonable house in a great school district for lil man, and pay someone to move my shit for me.  Then try and get Jen to quit her job as well and we could start something together on our own time... no more of her working every weekend, or every date night, or ALL the time... type of stuff. 

It's sad... It's like I tell myself as I lay in bed the night before that tomorrow's gonna be a good day and I'm going to go into work with a smile on my face and get the stuff done that I need to and not let these fuckers get to me, but they always do.  I'm bitter.

I hate that I'm the only female supervisor, I hate that anytime I have a thought they think it's me bitching, I hate that I work with homophobes, I hate that my ethics are tested and failed during busy seasons, I hate the heat...

On a lighter note I love Jen.  I love that I won't have to wake up in the middle of the night and have pepper laying next to me but not Jen... I love that we get to start a new chapter of our lives and I love how I've never loved someone so intensely in my life even if that is extremely scary for me a lot of the time.  For now... I just need to make it to 3 o'clock... The move happens on Thursday the 1st... everyone keep your fingers crossed, please.

Crotchedy

So let me start with a disclaimer that states that I am in no way trying to mask some horrible case of crotch rot, but it's important that I share my routine in order for this whole situation to make sense.  You see, I work in a warehouse.  Warehouse equal extreme heat... when the temp is 102 with a heat index of 115 you can expect the warehouse to be even hotter on the inside (the same goes for the cold weather too... warehouses, unless climate controlled tend to be colder or hotter than the actual temp and you have to dress accordingly.)

The way I deal with this situation is to of course rock some cargo shorts and a polo (since when I wear my t-shirts, my boss tends to bitch because it's not as professional... even though there is nobody in the fucking warehouse right now except for supervisors and the managers... 5 of us total...but I digress)... What I like to do and what helps in dealing with being a woman, with a lil extra weight working in temperatures that I can only imagine hell to feel like is to (hear comes the tmi... but you'll get over it I'm sure) a. wear a panty liner... (this serves to catch some of the sweat which pools from places you weren't aware you could sweat from previously, b. use powder on inner thighs (this helps to get your pants back up after peeing and cuts down on the "wet bathing suit effect" which makes getting said pants back on more difficult.) and c. Summer's Eve Feminine deodorant spray ... which yes, I use in the crotch region as well as with my regular deodorant in my arm pits...

So yes, there is a system and while it doesn't eliminate all issues associated with the amount of sweating I do at work, it makes me feel a little bit better, so I'm going to run with it.  Well the other day was pride.  I was going to be going out in 102 degree heat in the baking sun and decided that I should at least follow through with at least one of my normal three additional steps... I opted for just the spray.  I picked it up from the bathroom counter and sprayed and grabbed by underwear to start getting dressed and got a whiff of something that didn't smell right... you see... anyone who has ever used any type of feminine product knows that there is generally a powdery smell, or something fresh... well this smelled odd... that's when I looked at the can and realized that I had just sprayed my vagina and arm pits with travel size Rusk Hairspray and not the summer's eve spray at all...

WTF?  Needless to say I had to remedy the situation with a wet wash cloth and start all over again before walking out the door and going to pride.  (which was a total disappointment by the way)...

So what have we learned from this situation?  It's good to have a routine, but read the can before you spray anything around your vagina... I will have to say that never has my bush had such volume and control, haha.

Tuesday, May 25, 2010

Update.

It's no secret that yesterday was my birthday.  I turned 29 and had a wicked hangover as some of you may have predicted, lol.  I got up at 4 am when my mom called me, showered, tried to function, drank like nine gallons of water because I was totally parched from my antics the night before... well when I sat down behind the steering wheel to drive into work it became rather apparent that I was too trashed to drive.  I just couldnt bring myself to risk a DUI on a work day or killing some kid standing outside waiting for a bus.  I text my boss and decided to go in around the 9 mark (3 hours later than scheduled)... still nursing my hangover you can imagine how pissed I was to drive into work and discover that we weren't shipping any trucks whatsoever, so I didn't really need to be there...WTF? I could have just slept in on my birthday and no one bothered to share this information with me.  Boo.

I was walking out the door (4 o'clock pm) by this point when my phone rang.  I figured it was one of the 973 phone calls I received with birthday wishes (I hate the telephone...despise it really, but do appreciate the birthday thoughts...) My sister tried to text me 29 times with a happy birthday message, luckily tiring out by text #6... but I digress... It was not a birthday wish...it was Kathy from the apartments that Jen and I were trying to get into.

She wanted to let me know that we were both accepted... I was very pleased to say the least and then asked how much more of a security deposit we'd need, figuring between the two of us our credit was jacked up somewhere... no more money needed.  Our security deposit would stay 99 bucks, which I had already paid to secure the apartment and ensure she wouldn't give it away to anyone else.  Now all that has to be paid is my non-refundable pet deposit.  No problem.  Pepper is coming with us... but Chino is not.  Chad's allergies are too bad to live with a cat in a place that size...plus Chino has lived at Grandmas since he was 6 months old and considering he's like 6 years old now... I don't want to uproot him.... now the task is going to be to convince Gma that she wants Chino around for company (which she loves having him around for) and that I'll still come up on the weekends to do her hair/change the litter box... If she says no that I'm going to have to find a home for him and I think that may kill him (or me come to think of it.)...

I left work and immediately called Jen and was like, so do you want the good news or the bad news...she of course wouldn't play along...She was like, "oh my god, just tell me we didnt get the apartment and get it over with..." lol... no fun (I've been calling her debbie downer since recently she has adopted my normal bubble bursting demeanor), lol.... I told her and I could hear the smile on her face... she was stoked... we both were. 

It's exciting.  It's still nerve racking to know that i'm going to be literally broke and potentially kill me to know that my girl is going to be pulling more of the weight than I will at this place financially, but that won't be forever hopefully...

I shared my theory with Jen the other day... (she didn't find it as amusing as I did and I'm pretty sure she called me a jackass which is my petname as of late, hahah) but My theory is... that gay marriage will be legal in VA (and hell by all states) by the time I make my last student loan payment...at the ripe ol' age of 59.  30 years from now.  I mean I figure that buys us some time, hahah.

Anyway... thanks everyone for the good luck wishes and crossed fingers.  It was a fantastic birthday present to receive.

Now I have one more our to kill at work...I stayed late so that I could set off bug/roach foggers in the breakroom in the warehouse...I've seen way too many roaches to want to bring in a lunchbox and potentially take them home with me...friggin' gross.  I can't set them off til everyone is out of the building.... now to finish my work...

Sunday, May 23, 2010

wooohoooo


(Me and the love of my friggin' life... Jen, the beautiful)


So tomorrow is my birthday...what's been goin on in my world you ask? well the same ol same ol...right now I'm trashed and it feels oh so fabulsou. my mom did burgers on the grill which got rained out but was still awesome...we broke out the captain morgain and drank and drank and drank...it was great.

Mom gave me my present early (with dad on Skype via kosovo) ... it was a silver pelican necklace..the pelican's mouth is open with a diamond in it... the diamond is from my mom's engagement ring from 29 years ago..>(* I turn 20 tomorrow)... friggin' sweet.  Like I love the amount of thought that went into this... it's great. great great.

Jen and I found an apartment which we love...hopefully we'll find out by tuesday if we got it or not... I'm excited. I can't wati to live with her... all the time.  Im having one more drink and then it'll be bed time.  I've gtotta load 4 containers tomorrow to go to CHina... Happy birthday to me... god today was great... just great... cross your fingers for Jen and i.  

It's werid ... my ex prior to Jen sent me a friend request via facebook whcih i wasn't going to accept but Jen said to go ahead becasue she wanted to be flaunted, lol... the ex actually invited me and "my girl" as she put it to this shin dig, but I declined, I just don't see the point...

I draink sooo much captian morgan tonight... now I'm winding down with a lil Jack.  god aI Haven drank in soooo long.  I'm sure I'll drink next weekend when I take lil man and Jen to the beach again for my annual beach tripo.


(Oh yeah, I totally went there...)... lol....

 Crooss your fingers for us...I really want this place to live.  I'm excited.  Soooo excited.  I love her.  OH SO FUCKING MUCH.  It's riduclous how much I care for her... we totalluy balance each other out... in such a great way....

happy berfday to me. hehe.

Wednesday, April 28, 2010

add this to the history books

There was a time when I was really burned out at my job and just hated it.  I was miserable.  Hell, somedays I still feel this way.  It's a total "boys club" and I feel like I have to work twice as hard as anyone else to acheive the same results in their eyes... if that makes sense.  I've cried at work at least twice now...the first time when I was talking with my boss about my frustrations during the busy seasons and how I felt like I was lied to and then just thrown into the deep in and given the swim or drown option.  I have nothing in common with the guys I work in my opinion.  More so many in areas of sports, not intersted, nascar, definitely not interested... food... I mean shit let's face it I'm always attempting a new diet so NO I don't always want to recipe swap...

I had been notified by a friend I used to work with that the company I had left prior to my current position was hiring a Supervisor.  I thought to myself, "sweet, I can do that"... I was looking for an easy way out in my mind.  I drug my feet and put it off and put it off, but finally set down and posted my resume to the job board they were using.  I didn't hear anything for a while so I thought nothing of it until last Friday when I got a call from the HR Manager asking me to come in on Wednesday to interview.  I was sort of excited and ancy but just stored it in the back of my mind rather than letting it consume me like I do some things.  I worked 10 hours Monday and Tueday to justify leaving 2 hours early today to make the appointment.  I needed time to go home and shower and what not.  It was weird.  I styled my hair in a faux hawk (something i wouldn't generally do for an interview...I'd normally do work appropriate girl hair... not today.  I wore short sleeves instead of long like I normally would to cover up my new huge tattoo and my other smaller ones...I just chocked it up to be, "they know me there, why pretend to be something I'm not."

I wasn't nervous at all which too was not "normal."  I'm at the point where I'm kind of a pro in the interview dept...not to say that I know everything but damn...I've been to enough of them (I'm a job hopper unfortunately, but I feel like it's important to have certain expectations of self improvement and growth in ones life...) but I digress...

I get there and everyone is recognizing me and coming out to talk to me while I waited in the lobby, etc... and all I could think is what the FUCK am I doing here.  I started remembering everything that bothered me about this company when I was the on-site supervisor for the staffing company that supplied labor to them, why all of a sudden after saying the "I don't ever want to work for this place" was I there, impersonating someone who was interested and would be an asset?  Who is this person?  The first interview was 45 minutes long with 2 supervisors and 2 managers--grilling me... cutting each other off to be the one that was doing the speaking etc... it was hell.  I half assed it and answered the questions in an aroundabout way... I was inside of my head... sitting and watching this go on.... yet, doing nothing to stop it.  I played dumb and acted like I didn't notice the tone of some of their questions and replayed images of all the times that some of these folks in front of me had made what I felt were the worst decision or choices EVER and found myself asking, "really Tommy, are these people you want as your mentors?" 

That sounds awful.  These people are not bad, they are just associated with things that are stuck in my head, part of times that are etched on my soul and the foundation for many of my biggest frustrations.  I sat there for a good ten minutes after the first interview to wait for the second firing squad to come in.  When they came in, of course more familiar faces... an ops manager, a supervisor, and the HR Manager. 

I remember answering their questions and realizing that i had absolutely nothing positive to say about this company...if this situation was put on a scale, the cons side was at this point on the floor and the pros portion suspended, dangling lifeless, midair...

I told them how my ultimate goal is to end up a CEO of a Fortune 500 company... obviously this isn't going to happen overnight...its going to take a lot of hard work, infiltrating many a boys club, etc... but I didn't go into detail for them.

I used many analogies and compared my career path/goals to a suitcase.  For now, it has a travel bag and a couple of outfits, a flip flop or two, etc... but by the time I get to where I'm supposed to be, it's going to be so full of clothes, accessories, etc (my way of saying skill sets) that it will take me and two other people sitting on it to zip it closed.

I'm rambling here... but I'll get there I promise. 

When I was asked the same question reworded for about the 3rd time it became apparent to me that I wasn't fooling anyone.  They were wondering what i was doing there even more than I was at this point, it was no surprise.  It was then that I knew I couldn't bullshit and drag this out anymore.  In reference to their "Okay, but WHY (insert company's name here)" I simply said, "I have no idea."

I could feel my eyes start to well up...fuck why do I cry at the most inappropriate times...it makes no damn sense.  Oh well... I started to cry but managed to get out, I'm sorry for wasting ya'll time...

I pulled myself together after about a minute or so and continued on the conversation... it was at that point that I just let it all hang out.  I spent over 30 minutes with them discussing how they could improve.  I talked about how I felt that the team members ran the place and how the supervisors really don't have the authority they should and when they are given then authority to make certain decisions, then the ops managers turn around and veto said decision and then act like they were idiots for attempting to make a decision.  No damn sense whatsoever.  I even went as far to talk about how their concept of communication is flawed and how it was a matter that got anything accomplished as far as improving processes, etc because no one listens to the other person...it's a non stop competition where one person wants to be heard so they cut off the person speaking so that they accomplish that feat... and it's the same pig headed people that are doing it and nothing is being said.  The part I couldn't believe was how I told them that the supervisor they had fired, (for whose positions they are now trying to fill) was a huge error on their part.  I reminded them how the part involved blatantly lied and when i pointed it out they didnt even acknowledge I had said anything (screw an investigation their minds were made up)... they didn't listen when I tried to tell them about the team members conspiring against this guy because they didn't like them... I said you guys fail to realize that there is time between incidents being reported to the actual investigation beginning... ENOUGH TIME for anyone and everything to get his/her story straight...

Long story short, if you do something to piss off a team member they could easily file a false claim against you and odds are the supervisor/manager who is accused won't have a job in the end of it.  It was crazy

They told me that they appreciated my input, took notes, said that they weren't nearly as far along as they had thought, and even asked me if I had noticed that they didn't try to deny anything of what I was saying. 

It felt so amazing to get all this shit off of my chest.  All the things that irked me when I was an outsider looking in and couldnt say because I had to have the best interest of the client in mind...and it would have been unprofessional.  It didn't matter.

Nothing mattered... I mean yeah I was technically burning a bridge that I may someday need...but it took this for me to realize that I make an impact where I'm at...I love speaking spanish, or attempting to at least, etc I but heads with the guys, but I don't give them nearly enough credit.  Sure, most of the time I just like to bitch because Im good at it, but how many people these days can say that the make a decent wage, have their 401 k matched six percent (after a year), are offered Aflac at a killer discount, have their medical, dental, etc paid by the company 100 %, get free flower bulbs at the end of the season, etc... SERIOUSLY... I have a pretty sweet gig... I just need to work on my communication skills and try to keep from crying when I get sooooooo frustrated. 

If I could change one thing about me it would be the crying thing when I'm super scared or super frustrated... i would be able to appear stoic at work and keep it moving... I'm just so passionate at times about things I care about that I just get overwhelmed and the only way for the energy to escape is in the form of tears.

I'm such a fucking girl sometimes and that bothers me.

So that my friends is how I spent 2 hours at an interview where I ended up having an epiphany, burning a bridge, and dropping about 50 pounds of baggage from my soul.  Overall, a damn good day.

Wednesday, April 21, 2010

a wee bit better

I went to the service today and thought for sure I was going to keep my shit together... i really thought I had it out of my system--boy was i fucking wrong.  The family had picked several different songs paired with photos of Scott and I cried my ass off. 

I saw people I hadn't seen in forever, a couple of folks from high school (one who is a funeral director for where we were)... I didn't do the oh, oh my god, we should get together thing because it's fucking bullshit.  If we were for real friends then we would still communicate for real... I don't have anything in common with folks from high school... there are very few (like one person) I actually associate with and she was a year behind me haha... and I don't see her all that often

The point is that the service really got me thinking... who would come to mine if I were to die right now?  I mean yeah my family would be there that's a given, but I've burned so many bridges in my life I don't see a huge crowd of people lining up to pay respects.  I mean there might be folks from high school to pay their respects from back in the day... and then I ask, does it really matter?  Am I going to live my life according to who may or may not show up when I'm dead.  I'll be dead, it's not going to be relevant. 

I told my mom that whne I die, if it's before her that I want my organs donated, then I want to be cremated, and have my ashes dumped somewhere down in North Carolina on Hatteras Island... I don't care where, that's just what i want... mom gets weak and laughs hysterically and tells me she'll flush me and eventually I'll end up in the sea, haha...

I took mom to lunch after the service... a lil mexican to hit the spot.  Came back home and laid down to take a nap...with intentions of just a couple hours to decompress and four hours later got up.

It's funny that I find myself being "needy" something that Jen wishes I was more of when she isn't around to take advantage of it .... I really just wanted to cuddle and be lazy with her today...but I'll be able to soon, she comes back on Friday evening and I'll make it a point to have movies and eats and just veg with her...

Overall, I feel like there has been a weight lifted off of me.  I feel like I've cried enough and cleansed my soul's pallette if you will. 

I'm just kind of everywhere right now.  I'm lost and have been left to wander through my own thoughts and that can be a scary scary thing.

I'm sure I'll figure it all out in the long run.  I need to stop saying that I'm real, and then being a closet case... my sexuality isn't being questioned here so perhaps closet is the wrong term to use... what I'm talking about is how when I start something like a diet or change of lifestyle I do it in front of people but behind closed doors I eat my body weight in shit that I know I shouldn't or that defeats the whole purpose of what I'm doing...

I say that I'm happy with myself, but am I really, If I was I wouldn't dread running into people from high school and immediately feel like they are judging me or that I'm not good enough... Honestly, I took steps in the direction to break my usual habits.  I sent friend requests to a ton of folks from high school, I want them to see my profile and be like whoa, Tommy... who would have thought.  No I don't have anything to prove to them, I realized, that where before I had been ducking and dodging and not feeling good enough--now I want to advertise how fabulous my life is.  I dont care what they think or what might be said because in the end I'll know that I'm content with how my life is and that I've come a long way to get where I am. 

I wasn't always someone who could speak freely... I wasn't a person that did what I wanted... I lived my life for so long according to how others thought it should be lived... I love that I'm outspoken, and openly gay, I love that I'm capable of loving a woman like Jen on the level that I've never done before in my entire life... I love the vulnerability that comes with giving all of myself to this one person and knowing that she has no intention of ever crushing it.. I love that there's a kid in my life that I never saw working... and he warms my heart... I love that I'm capable of coming out of a funk by just clearing my mind... (most of the time)

I'm getting lil man from my mom after school tomorrow so that she can get ready to head to the beach... Friday morning I'll drive him to school, keep myself amused, get him from school, and wait patiently for Jen to get home, listen to her adventures, pencil in some dirty kinky sex, with a locked door this time,

It's wrong to say but I do look forward to lil man's trip to see his dad this summer.  Jen and I have plans of doing our move then and then have him come back and everything already be settled, but more importantly we'll be able to sleep naked and have sex anywhere in the place that we want WHENEVER... hell we could have sex and stay naked and watch a movie or something I dunno I'm sure we'll get creative.

One more day of work and then my three day weekend is a go.  Tomorrow is payday... hell yeah.  I'm going to get my mind wrapped around it and come monday I will be doing this Rice diet hard core all over again, I made it 3 and 1/2 days last time, cheating every day... I'm going to do this just to prove to myself that I can.  I'll do it for a week or two religiously and then reward with a single meal that isn't too crazy to blow that whole two weeks out of the water...sounds good in theory anyway...

I'm roasting, time to open the windows, walk the dog and head back to bed :) Four am comes freakin' early...

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

I have a lot to say...so here it is

I'm not in the mood to be judged, I'm not looking for a shoulder to cry on, but it dawned on me that I hadn't blogged in forever and I feel like the lack of it correlates to the fact that I'm in a funk that I can't get out of.  I don't give a shit about punctuation or spelling...I don't care if I make sense or not... I'm in a mood, can you tell?  I've locked myself upstairs, I dodged grandma who was luckily out taking Pepper for her daily ride when I got here.

Jen is now in Dallas for the next few days for work and lil man is with my mom up the road... Saturday a guy that I've known practically all my life died.  My parents house was built when I was 5/6 and he was our neighbor directly across the street.  His name was Scott.  Scott was a normal guy, older than me--younger than his brother Mark and had a lil brother named Jeff.  When I was in High School, my senior year actually I started hanging out with Jeff all the time.  He was a cool guy (though much more mature than he was in the days when he and his friends would come over and use our woods to play war or paint ball...)  I don't know specifics but I'd have to say that Jeff is like 4 or 5 years older than me and Scott was between 6 and 10--awful I don't even know for sure.  It was never important.

Their parents, June and Paul are the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet.  But I digress...the point is that Scott is dead and I'm rather bummed.  Scott was diagnosed with a type of Leukodystrophy so as time progressed I watched him having a harder and harder time getting around until the point that he was in a wheel chair and relying on his parents to do most everything for him.  He was part of a study being done at NIH, the type of leukodystophy he had, 4-H syndrome that there was a time that doctor's considered naming it after scott.  Anyway... mom called me on Saturday to let me know that Scott had passed away.  Pul had made him a sandwhich and went to go do something, when he came back, Scotty had choked to death.  He tried CPR among other things, but it was too late.

I called out of work Monday because I was just bummed in general...I needed a mental health day... Mom convinced me to go over and pay my respects which I knew I needed to do, but was dreading because I was already sad and fighting my own little bout of depression that I'm famous for.  I went over and found June on the phone talking to what turns out to someone at NIH.  They had called to tell her that since Scott had donated his body to science, they were able to look at his tissue and what not and the findings were TREMENDOUS... so June was estactic and burst into tears... that of course made me cry.

Jeff was there too.  But I didn't know who he was.  This guy who I had known for years and years and years and used to look up to and considered a great friend for a long time--he never wanted to have kids or be married and he hated dogs... now, he's married with a kid and has two dogs.  There was no connection like there had been... He had no interest in seeing me, he didn't even introduce me to his wife.  I complimented him on how cute his 7 and 1/2 month old daughter was (though I made it clear that Charley, my niece was wayyyyyy cuter)... it doesn't matter overall because I wasn't there for him... he had written me off years ago...I was more concerned about Paul and June... I needed my own closure...

I left and walked across the road... my foot hit moms yard and I burst into tears...uncontrollable sobbing... I can't tell if it's because of the situation, I mean Scott and I are weren't all that close, he had a crush on me and asked my mom once if she'd care if he kissed me, she laughed said she wouldnt mind but said that I might have  a problem with it.  He was just a good guy... the purest soul I've ever known... I feel so bad for Paul and June.

There is a service tomorrow.  I told everyone at work that he was my cousin.  They give me nothing but shit there, they wouldn't understand if I had said my friend or neighbor... I'm a liar.  One lie after another.   It dawned on me that I take so many of my friendships, relationships, etc for granted.  I've created this hermit-like life.  I hang out with my family, occassionally with Julie to play catch up...spend my weekends with jen and lil man... It was easier to live this lie when i was with Stephanie.  She was antisocial and hated my friends.  I was always able to use her as an excuse to not see them, to not hang out, to close myself off... now that I'm with someone and have been for some time who is out going and fun and friendly, the facade is wearing thin. 

I like having people in my life, but when I want them to be there.  I'm kind of a loner... I'm content being alone in my thoughts and even have to tell Jen from time to time that I need me time...which she finds hard to understand sense she feels like a weekend only girlfriend as it is...

I can't explain what I'm going through right now.  I'm sitting here blogging and crying and being lame in general.  PMS may be to blame...sounds good anyway.  The fact of the matter is that my shit doesn't work right and I can't remember the last time I bled... which means that when it finally does happen I'll bleed for at least 2 to four months straight... sucks, but it's the truth.  Had to have a DNC done almost two years ago because of it... doctors couldn't fix it... But even without the bleeding part I still PMS like a bitch.  I'm a fucking crazy person sometimes.  No, most of the time. 

I have bulbs and bulbs and bulbs to plant.  I brought home over 600 dollars in bulbs this past season and at the end of it and dispersed them to folks that I thought would appreciate them...even sent some to colorado to Jen's parents...I'm bulbed out.  We're in the slow time right now.... Mid july will start the Fall season, so crocus, hyacinth, tulips, daffodils, etc will be on the list...no break followed by the holiday season...

I'm planning a trip to Kentucky for my grandpa's 70th b-day in may...haven't been there in years... it will be a nice change of scenery I think.  I'm wondering if I can make the trek to Nashville and see some friends I have there still (lived there for about 6 months)... and it's only a couple hour drive from my grandma's... not sure how I'll work that though, unless Uncle John wants to carpool or something, I dunno...

Lil man called me Mom for the first time a month or two ago.  He does it intermittenly... I don't ask him to, but I respond...We've gone from Mommy and Tommy to Mommy and mommy... it made me feel all warm and tingly inside... though that wore off when the door krept open while trying to do the dirty with Jen... I've never moved so quick in my life... lol... had to get under the covers with a quickness... luckily he was too asleep to notice anything was up... phew... Gonna need to be locking doors during play time for real now.   Awkward.

I finally consolidated my loans so that should be going through any day now... joined a gym and am enjoying going, most of the time.  I struggle when I'm in a funk like I currently am...Im still trying to figure out a way to lose weight that i'll actually stick to and not do for just a few days until I give up and say fuck it with candy bar in hand...

I go through phases of hating my job which was rampant around the time I cussed my boss out and told him that he could write me up for insubordination and that I'd sign the fucking papers, I'm done... He didn't speak to me for two weeks, now things seem to be okay...and I never got wrote up.  It's such a boys club there and I have nothing in common with my coworkers.  Two Supervisors were fired over a month ago or so... so I'm the only female in the warehouse... all they talk about is sports which I have no interest in... I was told at one point that me being a lesbian was a phase I was going through... really... I'm glad you think you know me that well... fuckers.

I have no motivation,, no desire to do anything really and it sucks...it's lame really.  Im hungry. I get up at four in the morning these days and stay up WAY WAY WAY too late... I need to rectify that situation, maybe I'll go find something to eat and crawl into bed for an early  night.