Don't touch me

Picture it, Sicily 1914 (just kidding...but I do love me some Sophia from Golden Girls...) What had happened was:

I leave work yesterday and ran some errands for grandma:

-went to the bank to get cash for her only to be hassled because I don't have an account there...I told the uppity teller to go get so and so (bank pres who is a friend of Gmas) and the situation was soon remedied and I had Gma's cash in hand...

-went to the pharmacy where I picked up grandma's prescription wrote in the amount on the blank check Gma had given me...(that could have been fun, blank checks signed by grandma's always are...but I'm a responsible person so I didn't abuse it this time) lol...

-stopped at the mailbox and grabbed the mail, as well as the two newspapers (the driveway is like a half a mile long so I always just stop on my way so I don't have to go back out....

This is where it gets interesting. I drive down the driveway and pull up under the carport when I shifted the mail/papers in the seat because they were in the way of my gear shifter thing....as I do this THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER FUCKING SEEN LUNGES OUT AT ME....jesus mary and joseph....


I already had my seat belt off from stopping to get the mail. Well lucky for me there is a slight sidewalk that kept my car from rolling into the house because I JUMPED OUT OF A MOVING CAR AND DIDN'T EVEN PUT IT IN PARK....yes that's right, my dumb arachnaphobic ass tried to drive her brand new (only paid three payments) on Hyundai Tiburon with the fabulous Vagyna plates into Gmas brick house. That would have been fun right? NOT. I didn't care, the spider was too close to the gear shift, I couldn't risk it touching me for pete's sake.

So there I am in under the carport doing my skeeved out, get it off of me dance (even though I was sure it was still in the car) when the only thing I could thing is, "If I can't find it and kill it I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not getting back in my car with that thing in there...I'm not above calling my boss and telling her just that. I walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. I shifted a pile of mail checking for the spider which I was hoping was still in the seat. Not there.

I move another pile, throwing it in the flow and BAM...there it is....AAAGHHHHH! I stood there screaming in the drive way freaking out in general and rolling up a news paper trying to smack it all in one swift motion. I hit it once and it laughed at me. I heard it mutter..."bitch is that all you got..." SMACK...I hit it again, this time it humors me and plays dead....before I gave it a chance to spring back up (in good ol scary movie fashion--you know where you think someone is dead, you turn around, and they grab your ankle) I smacked it three or four or fifteen more times to ensure its demise. Still moving...unsure if it was the regular twitch of death or him fighting back I brushed it into a deep mud puddle by the car door.

My hands shaking I shut the door. My adrenaline pumping I walk back to the drivers side, I reach in and put the car in park and turn the ignition to off.....ugh...I shiver thinking about it....

I get in the house and tell of the horrible situation that had just happened only for grandma to start bitching about missing prescriptions. Back to the pharmacy and three hundred dollars later (gma is a breast cancer survivor and has to take this ungodly expensive medication every day for the next few years for it)....a stop at the Chinese restaurant for Gma and Aunt Melissas food and then to the Pizza place for a pizza for me and mandi (I don't eat Chinese)...and finally back home to do homework.

No nap, no relaxing, just freaked out from the spider situation and run down.

On a happy note, the spider that tried to eat me is not poisonous nor was it a real threat...and I'm sorry I killed it looking back--but that's what you get for looking like that, being a spider, and trying to lunge at me....FUCK THAT SHIT.