smoke

I need a smoke. A cigarette. Prozac on a stick... I know it will only make me feel better for a second and then I will just become irritated at the fact that I smell, no wreak of cigarettes. The taste from a single puff will linger in my mouth and despite chewing gum, brushing my teeth, or even rinsing with mouthwash...I'll still taste it.

I'll still open my mouth and see this dry, hot, smokey cloud resignate from my insides letting everyone else around me that I smoked as well. I'll wash the stink from my hands feel refreshed, only to catch a whiff of its unpleasantness in my shirt.

I never smoke the whole pack, so what a waste. I used to keep an emergency pack in the glove box, but since I smoke them so infrequently, by the time I pulled one out to get that quick, calming fix, before slipping into my nicotine coma--the tobacco was so dry and old that the cigarette burned up entirely too fast.

Ugh. Stale tobacco. Sometimes I give the cigarettes away--I know plenty of people that smoke...and would love to not spend a metric shit ton of money on a pack of smokes...but it's not worth it. It won't fix what is bothering me, only giving me something new to bitch about and take my mind off of what's really weighing it down temporarily.

Both of my grandfathers smoked. One, up until they put him on oxygen and the other until he was on oxygen and the cigarettes still killed him after stopping...it was too late. My mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend still smoke. My sister hasn't had one for about two months and my Aunt Melissa probably a month now.

ME...I haven't smoked since college...then I only did it because it gave me something to do. I never enjoyed it...never liked the taste or the smell...hate riding in the car with someone who is smoking, I guess i'm just a hater.

I need to stop looking for ways to deal with my problems through other objects. For example, I'm a mood eater. I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad, awake, it doesn't matter (though I have recently started to get that under control, thank goodness)...but looking to cigarettes isn't going to solve my problem so why waste my money. The way my mouth will feel afterwards prevents me from bumming one...

At some point I'm just going to have to face my demons and do it substance free (substance being anything ranging from sugar, soda, chocolate, cigarettes, etc) Id love be high right now...but I haven't smoked pot in over a year (because of my job, lol) and that too isn't going to fix anything...

Fuck me. (no not literally)