Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Who am I?

I've been really out of character the past few days.  I've been a total girl and it's ridiculous.  Jen reminded me that the last time she checked, I had a vagina and therefore the "being a girl" thing was a given... I of course reminded her I didn't want to deal vagina unless I was licking it or something similar... which she may have found amusing, but I'm not sure...

I'm whiny and needy and overall irrational at times.

I was recently called out on always playing the "gay card" and how there's a time and a place to be gay and that perhaps I should tone it down ... "there's a time and a place for that..." My feelings were hurt to say the least.. it didn't help that I was in "girl mode" and pmsing, overly sensitive and what not...

The next day a situation came up and made it apparent that I was indeed "too gay."  I was all to pieces.  While I can't divulge details, because it isn't my place...I had convinced myself that Jen and I wouldn't be moving in together because what if it jeopardized her custody situation or something, I had a huge cry fest and really tried to dig down and figure out who I am.  I called Jen and talked to her and she assured me that everything was going to be fine... and that my being "super" gay balanced us out since she can't be very openly gay...

Regardless of minor details and probably not making much sense here, I've already gotten rid of my inappropriate Vagyna license plate, as well as cleaned out my entire wardrobe of lesbian humor shirts because lil man is reading pretty well these days and I'm not trying to have something I wear initiate an awkward conversation with a 6 1/2 year old.

But aside from me being seemingly "too gay"... the one place I thought I'd find solace in was a complete let down.  Hampton Roads Pride seemed like an amplified high school scene.  Every clique split up in their own little groups... barely anyone just openly talking to someone else... the best part was this band called Ffelt... but anyway... at least I got to see that there were other gays in va besides me and Jen.

After spending as much time crying as I have the past few days I'm kind of having a "ah hah" moment.  It's hard for me to believe that I'm as in love as I am.  I have a woman by my side who completes me for a lack of better words.  Our polar opposites compliment each other well and I long to be near her when I'm not.

I was talking to my mom and I admitted that for the first time in my entire life, I don't have the "power" in the relationship.  In past relationships, things were always my way or the highway... with Jen it's not a matter of who is in charge or who holds whose heart by the strings but a mutual understanding and acceptance of the other.... It's hard to explain, overwhelming at times.

I'm so excited to begin this next chapter of my life with Jen.  To know that we won't have to plan on who's going to be at whose house on which night, but know that we are coming home to each other... I have never looked forward to something so much in my entire life.  I feel like for once in my life the control freak in me is surrendering to the unknown and it's okay.  (I can't say I'm doing this in every area of my life, but in my relationship and moving in with Jen, absolutely.)

I've never experienced love like this.  A mature, grown up emotion that is often times unexplainable.  I love everything about her... her smile, her touch, the way she snores softly (normally not like a lumberjack) EVERYTHING.  Jen asked me a while ago if I was truly ever really going to be able to handle "this"...this being her and a kid who is a typical boy... and I had to step back and ask are you serious?  I failed to realize that she couldn't read my mind.  How would she know that I've never been in a relationship where I didn't break up/make up with my partner repetitively or having a wandering eye curious as to if there was something better... if I never remind her of that.  How would she know that that for the first time in my life, the anti-marriage me has actually imagined it... with her and only her.  I still believe that I don't need a piece of paper to prove my commitment to my partner, but I also have never been in a relationship like this one.  It's a good thing for sure.  it's new and it's fabulous. 

Sure, I'm rambling and probably not making a lot of sense, but the moral of the story is that when it all boils down to it, I know nothing is guaranteed in life, but for once I'm okay with the unknowns... because the person navigating my journey is worth that risk.

The move

I'm at the point where I'm freaking out.  There is still a lot to do and this control freak is having a hard time dealing with things that are out of my control.  There's a whole lot of what if this happens or what if this occurs, etc etc etc... Don't get me wrong, I'm super excited and soooo ready to move in with Jen.  I think it's a great thing for us... I'm just hoping I don't die before all of this goes down.

I have a giant pile of crap for a yard sale once the weather cools down, but even more crap to combine with Jen's and try to fit in an apartment.  I'm stressed out with work, despite calling out yesterday and only being here today for 49 minutes so far... I just hate this place.  I should be happy that I have a job, but something that seemed so perfect in the beginning is proving to be anything but at this point.  My boss is an arrogant asshole who thinks he knows everything and is currently pouting because he's convinced that I stole his idea for a suggestion I made, which I didn't... He doesn't have his facts straight that's for sure... one of my suggestions was something I also suggested at a previous employer and the other one I didn't claim as my own, I simply said, "I understand that ya'll used to do things this way... I think we should go back to that because the cost savings would be great..." I didn't make anything my own idea... I simply took a thought that I had been telling my boss, but who blocks me out because he gets tired of the sound of my voice thereby making nothing happen in the long run and presented the thought to the CEO who just so happened to agree with me.

I really just want to win the lottery.  Like tonight.  Win it, quit my job, find an awesome, reasonable house in a great school district for lil man, and pay someone to move my shit for me.  Then try and get Jen to quit her job as well and we could start something together on our own time... no more of her working every weekend, or every date night, or ALL the time... type of stuff. 

It's sad... It's like I tell myself as I lay in bed the night before that tomorrow's gonna be a good day and I'm going to go into work with a smile on my face and get the stuff done that I need to and not let these fuckers get to me, but they always do.  I'm bitter.

I hate that I'm the only female supervisor, I hate that anytime I have a thought they think it's me bitching, I hate that I work with homophobes, I hate that my ethics are tested and failed during busy seasons, I hate the heat...

On a lighter note I love Jen.  I love that I won't have to wake up in the middle of the night and have pepper laying next to me but not Jen... I love that we get to start a new chapter of our lives and I love how I've never loved someone so intensely in my life even if that is extremely scary for me a lot of the time.  For now... I just need to make it to 3 o'clock... The move happens on Thursday the 1st... everyone keep your fingers crossed, please.


So let me start with a disclaimer that states that I am in no way trying to mask some horrible case of crotch rot, but it's important that I share my routine in order for this whole situation to make sense.  You see, I work in a warehouse.  Warehouse equal extreme heat... when the temp is 102 with a heat index of 115 you can expect the warehouse to be even hotter on the inside (the same goes for the cold weather too... warehouses, unless climate controlled tend to be colder or hotter than the actual temp and you have to dress accordingly.)

The way I deal with this situation is to of course rock some cargo shorts and a polo (since when I wear my t-shirts, my boss tends to bitch because it's not as professional... even though there is nobody in the fucking warehouse right now except for supervisors and the managers... 5 of us total...but I digress)... What I like to do and what helps in dealing with being a woman, with a lil extra weight working in temperatures that I can only imagine hell to feel like is to (hear comes the tmi... but you'll get over it I'm sure) a. wear a panty liner... (this serves to catch some of the sweat which pools from places you weren't aware you could sweat from previously, b. use powder on inner thighs (this helps to get your pants back up after peeing and cuts down on the "wet bathing suit effect" which makes getting said pants back on more difficult.) and c. Summer's Eve Feminine deodorant spray ... which yes, I use in the crotch region as well as with my regular deodorant in my arm pits...

So yes, there is a system and while it doesn't eliminate all issues associated with the amount of sweating I do at work, it makes me feel a little bit better, so I'm going to run with it.  Well the other day was pride.  I was going to be going out in 102 degree heat in the baking sun and decided that I should at least follow through with at least one of my normal three additional steps... I opted for just the spray.  I picked it up from the bathroom counter and sprayed and grabbed by underwear to start getting dressed and got a whiff of something that didn't smell right... you see... anyone who has ever used any type of feminine product knows that there is generally a powdery smell, or something fresh... well this smelled odd... that's when I looked at the can and realized that I had just sprayed my vagina and arm pits with travel size Rusk Hairspray and not the summer's eve spray at all...

WTF?  Needless to say I had to remedy the situation with a wet wash cloth and start all over again before walking out the door and going to pride.  (which was a total disappointment by the way)...

So what have we learned from this situation?  It's good to have a routine, but read the can before you spray anything around your vagina... I will have to say that never has my bush had such volume and control, haha.