Wednesday, September 16, 2015

Bat Shit Crazy.

I have been in Knoxville, TN for three months now.  I'm going bat shit crazy.  I am struggling with the depressed side of my bipolar disorder even more than usual.  It's difficult because I don't know anyone and am so far away from my family.  I'm homesick and miss the house that we sold to come out here.

I haven't made any friends yet because well, when I'm depressed and anxious, being sociable isn't high on my to do list.  Hell, just waking up in the morning is a gold star day as of late.  I decided last night that things have to change.  I've gained even more weight, which stinks because the "plan" was to lose weight considering I live on the third floor and am constantly going up and down stairs to walk the dogs AND there is a friggin' fitness center onsite. (Which I haven't stepped foot into)

I feel disconnected from Jen and get frustrated because she doesn't understand what I'm going through.  I feel very alone and while my logical side knows that's just the depression talking, it doesn't make me not feel it.  She is very consumed with work, which is normal for her--I'm used to it.  But when things get shitty at work and she's not receiving praise for her actions by her boss or other corporate people then she questions why she took the job... that begins an awful cycle for me because I think to myself, "Look, if you don't know why the hell you took the job, then why the fuck am I here?"  I could be back in Virginia in a house with a fenced in yard for the dogs to play in safely and on a culdesac--where Chad had friends and I could trust most of the time that he was playing safely.

I could be two and half hours from the beach instead of nine! I would be employed. Etc, etc, etc.  As of late, she has begun "joking" about getting fired and how she would much rather be demoted because then she wouldn't owe the company money for the relocation... OH MY GOD! While I realize that is her way of coping with the stress of work and the pressures put on her by her boss and corporate standards, it doesn't make it any easier on me.

I swore this year that I wasn't going to fight with Chad over homework and school work because I'm back to working on my Master's degree and have my own shit to worry about.  I am also trying to force Jen into being more involved in Chad's school stuff and his life in general.  He craves her attention soooo much and frequently, when she gets home from work, she's stays on the phone dealing with work shit or just zones out and doesn't want to do anything.  He has learned how to guilt trip her as a means of getting what he wants, but I call him on it.  For instance, the other day he was in the back seat of the car and he randomly said something about how Jen was going to get promoted and then we'd be moving again and he'd have to leave all the friends that he's just made, etc... and I called him on it, in front of her.  Yet she still frequently gets pissed off at me for the tone I take with him or for calling him out on his bullshit.  Okay, well it's called manipulation and it's not right for anyone to do, especially a fucking sixth grader.

He commented about how we've moved even more than his dad has (his dad is military and has been for about 3-4 years...) While he's not wrong, it's irrelevant. I tried to tell him that middle school was a whole different ballgame from elementary school and that he's going to have to study and make an effort to have good grades.  Well he already has an F in math, which happens to be one of his favorite subjects.  The first test they took he got a 22 on.  Yes, 22 out of 100.  I found out about it at the Open house, a day after he got the results back.  The teacher had given students a chance to correct the problems they missed and show their work to receive 1/2 of their points back and increase the chances of getting a passing grade.  He opted to not redo the problems and kept a 22.

On the plus side, he's gotten a little better about being honest.  It's crazy how much that kid wants to lie, and about the dumbest shit, even though he knows that he gets in more trouble for lying than he does telling the truth.  Crazy.  Fucking Crazy.

I know he's a boy and all but my god... I just want to shake him.  I had him bring me his social studies homework that is due this coming Friday that he finished in class and half of it wasn't done, he bullshitted it to look complete and half assed it so that he could do other things when he got home. Anything but homework.  He admits to being lazy about it... and at this point, all I say is, okay, but you are doing it to yourself.

I don't have it in me to fight over it.

All I do is sleep.  I think about all the things I should accomplish or I look around the apartment to see it trashed and the shit I'll have to clean up, one more day, day after day and I get overwhelmed and I go to sleep.  I'm exhausted.

So, to sum things up, Jen and are just as disconnected as ever and I'm still bitter about her taking this job without talking to me about it.  We also established a couple of weeks ago that we still don't trust each other after four years have gone by since our "mishap." I won't go into that at this time.  Her phone goes off nonstop at all hours of the night, but I get one text message and I have to hear, "Oh who's blowing you up tonight?" For fucks sake already.

Chad is chad and is going to pretty much do whatever the hell he wants, despite me being the bitchy mom or wicked stepmother and taking shit away from him and grounding him.

I'm unemployed...I've gone to a couple of interviews but nothing that actually turned into anything.  I was offered a temp position for a two week assignment that paid ten dollars an hour and I was on board because well it's more than I'm making just being at home.  But I had to tell them the day before that I couldn't do it because I was too depressed.  In all actuality, the thought of going to work gave me a panic attack and made me curl up into an even bigger ball of "blah."

So change is needed.  This morning I got up at 750 and started my day.  I began cleaning the apartment, made myself a healthy smoothie for breakfast; sat outside and read the required reading for my current class; started laundry, etc.  I haven't taken a nap or anything at this point... which is huge considering that I've been sleeping until about two in the afternoon and only getting up because I have to go get Chad from school.

I've decided to eat better and to drink more water. I've given up soda.  Not only have I been getting fatter, my skin looks like shit lately, and I know all the bullshit crap food I eat isn't helping my mental state.

I've also decided that I need to write more, so I'm going to get back into blogging and while my goal is daily, I may have to work my way up to that.

Oh, one more thing to bitch about before I go is the fact that I don't have insurance.  Jen said she was going to call around June 26th or so when same-sex marriage became recognized nationwide to see if it qualified as an event with the insurance to where I could get on her plan since mine was ending.  She told me a couple of weeks ago that she talked to someone and that had I been within 45 days of losing my own insurance then I could have jumped onto her policy.  But instead she waited too long to call and I missed the fucking window.  So now, I'm without insurance, pretty damn close to running out of antidepressants and can't afford to go to talk to anyone or find a new doctor here anyway.  This is a prime example of one of my pet peeves.  Jen is an adult, I shouldn't have to hound her and nag her to do things... yet I do.  She's gotten better about some, but not in all areas and then I get to be the bad guy because I'm always worried about shit and she's just kind of like whatever about them.  Drives me fucking crazy. Bat. Shit. Crazy.

Saturday, May 16, 2015

A lot has changed--OH and I'm moving to Knoxville

I knew I hadn't blogged in a while and to be honest I really missed it.  I did not however realize that it's been over a year since I last set down to dump my brain and empty my thoughts in front of the computer screen.  Blogging used to be my "go to" method of preventative "flipping out"--but as of late I've opted for internalizing and then a glorious display of combustion.  It works so much better (not.)

Jen was offered a promotion with her company in mid-January 2015 and accepted (without even weighing the pros and cons or discussing it officially with me).  I knew she was being considered, she had gone through the interview process but we never actually sat down and talked about how it would affect us, our family, our lives in general; instead, I got a text that said, how do you feel about Knoxville, TN? To which I replied something along the lines of a smart ass response in reference to UTs football team or something, I don't remember.  I got home to discover she had already accepted the offer.

I have felt all kinds of emotions through this whole process and I can't honestly tell you which instance has been the most painful or difficult, but I can tell you, when you have your wife of two years, the woman you've been seeing for like six years (around that time) just make a life altering decision without even taking your thoughts and feelings into consideration, it hurts. It really hurts. There's no better way for me to put it.  It just fucking sucks.

Part of her promotion came with a relocation package.  This package included a company that helped us sell the house, offered packers, movers, etc and spousal job finding assistance....woohoo... I'm glad someone was thinking about the fact that one of us was going to not have a job soon, because funny thing was, my wife didn't seem to take that into consideration.  She hopped on the more money train quick and played the "I did it for my family" card and it took everything in me not to punch her in the face.

One thing I learned a long time ago about Jen is that she is a workaholic. She is driven, quite capable, and thrives on positive feedback from her superiors.  She is good at what she does.  She however, can't turn it off.  She tries, but she lives, eats, and breathes her work and sometimes I don't even think she realizes it.  She assured me that with this promotion she'd have more "at home" time because she'd be able to work from home on some of the days and have more flexibility in her schedule... um okay.  I was/am skeptical to say the least.

By February 1 she was already living in TN in corporate housing and had begun her new role.  I was left in VA with all of the household responsibilities, the kid (yes folks...the little boy, or Lil man I've been writing about all these years is now 11 and finishing up 5th grade now), two dogs, working full time, going to school full time....OH WAIT... I didn't mention that part did I? I went back to school last fall (online) to get my Master's degree in Safety, Security, and Emergency Management through Eastern Kentucky University.  My concentration is Occupational Safety. Well, it was...I had to quit for a while until this move is over because I couldn't handle everything that was on my plate and requirements of a graduate level course.  I managed to keep a 4.0 before I stopped though, so at least when things calm down I'll be able to go back in good standing.

I had to get the house ready to sell.  The house we'd only lived in for two years that I loved and never planned on leaving.  Jen wasn't on the deed so I had to do all kinds of extra shit to get her on it so we could qualify for the relocation perks offered by her company... and since I had nothing to do, it was fine.  (I hope you are reading all the sarcasm I'm throwing here.)

Luckily, my mom is awesome and even though she and my dad are retired down on Hatteras Island, NC, she regularly drove up to help me with the kid if he had holidays or was going to be out of school for multiple days.  She also did all the painting and helped me get the house ready for the market.  We put the house on the market the beginning of March anticipating about three months to sell it...I wasn't going to move until school was over so that it wouldn't screw up things for Chad...

Well lucky us (and I shouldn't complain) but the house sold in 21 days.  So much quicker than anticipated.  I'm now squatting in my grandma's upstairs with Chad, no internet, getting serenaded nightly by a band of lunatic foxes that may have eaten the cat I brought out to the country with me, that's a story for another day.  I'm all over the place here.

Now we are here, May 16th... we have a third floor apartment in Knoxville, TN which is where Jen is with the two dogs (which I miss terribly) and I feel guilty about having to put in an apartment and not having a yard to run around in or a place like grandmas house in the country that I can take them on weekly drives to where than can just run without leashes and be free... it breaks my heart.

I do nothing but fight with Chad because he's acting out most of the time because he's pissed off that we have to move and that we sold the house because the whole reason we bought a house was so that we didn't have to keep moving him around...he's got to leave all his friends behind, etc.  He's getting more excited about TN, but the fact is, he sees his mom on average every 2-3 weeks for no more than about 3 days and even then she's on the phone dealing with work stuff or distracted and somewhere else.

I'm having a hard time because me being the bipolar one here... I'm still sticking with my meds but I've had to do unscheduled calls/visits to my doctor to do med adjustments because I've gotten really depressed and at one point stopped going to work for a whole week. (Luckily it was around spring break and Chad wasn't with me so it didn't affect his life any)... June 12th is my last day of work.  When I have no work, I have no insurance.  My doctor is in VA but I'll be in TN... with no insurance, I'm not sure how all this will work out. Without insurance some of my meds are more than 1000 bucks a month...

I have no job lined up in TN yet and haven't even been able to apply to more than a handful because of not having internet access out at grandmas house.  When I'm at work I'm working so I cant, bs and apply for jobs... especially since I'm training my replacement right now.

My life has been turned upside down.  I've dropped everything, given up everything.  I'm walking into one unknown after another.  Jen and I are so disconnected it's ridiculous. Somedays I really do feel like that if she didn't need a babysitter we wouldn't even be together.

Part of me is just waiting to get to TN, where the only thing I'll have is my stuff and shit will hit the fan.... I'll have no job, no family, no anything and then she'll blindside me with some other bullshit. This is a great feeling to have.

Next weekend is my birthday and we're not even talking productively on the phone.  Shes in a fucked up mood and the last time I remember her being like this, it was over some really fucked up shit... I sure hope my instincts are wrong,... since at this point, there's no turning back.