It's been a decent weekend. I enjoyed myself. Grandma made it to Holden Beach safely. I'm going to hell because I let her tell me via voicemail rather than actually answering my phone when it rang. I know I know... but just the sound of her voice often sends me over the edge. I didn't want to fuck up a perfectly good Saturday.
I got to sleep in and relax the first part of the day. Then, I picked up lil man and took him to the library. After checking out numerous books about dinosaurs we were walking out and he proclaims, "Tommy, That place is AWESOME...." I had to smile. We rented some movies and then I unveiled a few toys that I had found for him at my favorite thrift store (the DAV where all the proceeds go to the Disabled American Veterans...) Retail therapy for a good cause works for me anytime :) I had found him a leap frog computer thing for three bucks to help him with his ABCs, it only needed batteries--SCORE!!!
I also found an 18 wheeler whose trailer held about sixty hot wheels, thirty or so on each side...again, only about four bucks....SWEET...but the winner was the transformer robot arm I found for him. A normally forty dollar toy, where your hands slides inside and one way it looks like a jet, then you pull this little handle and it transforms into a robot arm with rocket launchers or blasters or something, pretty bad ass and a score for THREE DOLLARS!!! He was stoked. He was like where did you get it and I told a thrift store and he was like OH MY GOD I LOVE THRIFT STORES, LOL.
Today, Jen and I got up and got lil man ready and went to her sister theatre in Norfolk to see a double feature of Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D...in truth my first real 3D experience. It's not the kind these days with the red and blue glasses....this is like high tech shit. So much that with the sugar I decided to splurge the majority of my points on today (yeah right, I opted to take the repercussions and not really count points today but I didn't go too crazy but I digress)...the movie in 3D ended up giving me motion sickness and I had to sprint to the bathroom...luckily i made it...though who's a fan of puking in public. Dreadful. Overall a good time, despite getting sick---I enjoyed an afternoon with Jen and lil man which always rocks.
On the way back home we went to a thrift store that I don't go to often because of how far out it is. Lil man found a few bakugan toys for a buck or so a piece so he's really learning early that Thrift stores are great places :) He knows that I'm not made out of money nor his is mom ...so it's good to be able to spoil him on a budget haha. I did make sure to explain to him that if he got in trouble for not listening whether on the bus or at school or at his mom's house that I would be taking all of the toys away... he knows I mean biznazz... He's not a bad kid...just a boy. lol.
The best part is how we pull up in the parking lot and he announces he has to pee. Of course after we asked him if he needed to go before we left the theatre and he said no. I knew we weren't going to make it find a bathroom so I told Jen to let him go right there in the parking lot with us forming a barrier and prevent our arrest... Well I didn't know that he had to go so bad that the stream would be immediate....it shot out at knee level with extreme force....FUCK...I tried to turn him in the right direction and got hit in the ankle with piss...Jen got hit across the bottom of her jeans, which made me laugh hysterically and in the process of trying to get him situated he peed on the inside of my mom's versa...which Jen and I had borrowed for a change of vehicles, lol...what can i say we are easily amused. I think I've created a monster...I remember the first weekend I spent with lil man by myself...I let him pee outside... I guess because deep down I've always wanted to be able to pee standing up wherever I was... yes my name is Tommy and I have penis envy... heh.
Well I decided after Jen and lil man left to clean the entire downstairs of my mom's house including doing everyone's laundry...they are coming home from Kentucky tomorrow night... I've decided to remind my mom that I'm her favorite...HAHA. No, seriously, I just wanted to help them out and make it where it's one less thing they have to worry about. Plus I'm going to use them this week to help me with Pepper...since I watched dogs for them this past week. All part of my master plan. ;)
I heart blueberry lager...YAY Wild Blue. Freaking awesome. Good weekend. Good times.
Showing posts with label Funny; random. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Funny; random. Show all posts
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Monday, July 27, 2009
Monday Madness
So work was productive. I'm going to be trained on more functions of the warehouse (the actual orderfill aspect of things) so that when I have new hires I can coach and help them along more efficiently and help those that are struggling in general.
What I accomplished this evening:
1. Made chicken salad from the leftover chicken from dinner for lunch tomorrow.
2. Made banana nut muffins FROM SCRATCH with a streusel topping sprinkled on top of them.
3. Cut Grandma's hair
4. Gave grandma a manicure
5. Helped entertain Grandma's company
6. Cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the counters
7. Cleaned out the spice cabinet (grandma had spices that were circa 1960...plenty more that were older than me...I threw the bitches away without her even noticing :) he he he. She'll notice eventually and yell at me, but for real...I can't risk her actually using them when she cooks and killing me....oh no no no..
8. Caught up on my blogging...(had a lot to get out)
I need to go to bed now though considering I overslept this morning and was an hour late for work :(...
Happy Monday...shew...glad it's over
I've gotta get back into work out mode...I fell off the exercise kick a week ago...I'm over a week of no hip hop abs and I feel gross yet again...gotta get motivated. I always feel better when I do....i need to go back to watching what I eat too...blah....
I'd like to buy a tape worm. Seriously...anyone know where I can score this trusty parasite...? I wanna be able to eat and eat and eat and never gain weight. lol. And tapeworms are probably cheaper than crack.
What I accomplished this evening:
1. Made chicken salad from the leftover chicken from dinner for lunch tomorrow.
2. Made banana nut muffins FROM SCRATCH with a streusel topping sprinkled on top of them.
3. Cut Grandma's hair
4. Gave grandma a manicure
5. Helped entertain Grandma's company
6. Cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the counters
7. Cleaned out the spice cabinet (grandma had spices that were circa 1960...plenty more that were older than me...I threw the bitches away without her even noticing :) he he he. She'll notice eventually and yell at me, but for real...I can't risk her actually using them when she cooks and killing me....oh no no no..
8. Caught up on my blogging...(had a lot to get out)
I need to go to bed now though considering I overslept this morning and was an hour late for work :(...
Happy Monday...shew...glad it's over
I've gotta get back into work out mode...I fell off the exercise kick a week ago...I'm over a week of no hip hop abs and I feel gross yet again...gotta get motivated. I always feel better when I do....i need to go back to watching what I eat too...blah....
I'd like to buy a tape worm. Seriously...anyone know where I can score this trusty parasite...? I wanna be able to eat and eat and eat and never gain weight. lol. And tapeworms are probably cheaper than crack.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
I did it...YAY
I spent Monday and Tuesday in the training course presented by Werres (a company that supplies Raymond Warehouse Equipment) It went well and $2100 billed to my company later, I'm official. I can train people on the follwing pieces of warehouse equipment (as well as operate them, though I rarely actually do)...
The Stock Picker (some know it as cherry picker or order picker)...drives like a car, but goes up in the rafters so that individual boxes can be picked... you have to be harnessed into this equipment so if you fall you don't go Splat...
The F4 (sit down forklift, called the F4 in my facility because it has four wheels...go figure)
The F3 (Stand up fork lift) differs from regular forklift because you are standing and only has three wheels...
The Walkie Rider (basically a pallet jack you can ride or pull along side of you) pretty fun, but one of the most dangerous pieces of equipment because people get on them and leave their common sense at the door...people have shattered elbows, broken their faces, run over other walkie riders etc....
Not pictured here are the Reach and Double reach truck...(like a F3, but bigger and has a reach mechanism which extends the forks further than a normal forklift) Once my boss certifies me to operate these (which won't happen anytime soon because the new hires we have coming in will be pretty much only using the aforementioned equipment) I'll be able to instruct others on how to use it.
I'm very excited about this. I'm also excited about the fact that I have 9 contractors that will be transitioning into Fulltime slots with the client company with in the next couple of weeks. I haven't had anyone get hired (due to hiring freezes) since November of last year. EXCITING. I'm so happy for them. It makes my job a little better because most of the time I give folks a sense of false hope because that's what I'm told to do...I do what I'm told to keep my job and then feel guilty when she doesn't work out...well for at least nine of my folks shit is going to work out and for this I'm not only grateful but SUPER EXCITED.
The Stock Picker (some know it as cherry picker or order picker)...drives like a car, but goes up in the rafters so that individual boxes can be picked... you have to be harnessed into this equipment so if you fall you don't go Splat...
The F4 (sit down forklift, called the F4 in my facility because it has four wheels...go figure)
The F3 (Stand up fork lift) differs from regular forklift because you are standing and only has three wheels...
The Walkie Rider (basically a pallet jack you can ride or pull along side of you) pretty fun, but one of the most dangerous pieces of equipment because people get on them and leave their common sense at the door...people have shattered elbows, broken their faces, run over other walkie riders etc....
Not pictured here are the Reach and Double reach truck...(like a F3, but bigger and has a reach mechanism which extends the forks further than a normal forklift) Once my boss certifies me to operate these (which won't happen anytime soon because the new hires we have coming in will be pretty much only using the aforementioned equipment) I'll be able to instruct others on how to use it.
I'm very excited about this. I'm also excited about the fact that I have 9 contractors that will be transitioning into Fulltime slots with the client company with in the next couple of weeks. I haven't had anyone get hired (due to hiring freezes) since November of last year. EXCITING. I'm so happy for them. It makes my job a little better because most of the time I give folks a sense of false hope because that's what I'm told to do...I do what I'm told to keep my job and then feel guilty when she doesn't work out...well for at least nine of my folks shit is going to work out and for this I'm not only grateful but SUPER EXCITED.
Dual Pooping
I walked into the restroom at work today, ass cheeks clenched to make the prairie dog stay in its hole...(normally I check shoes just to see who all is potentially in there before I decide if I can take a shit or not)...I didn't today, but I noticed the door was closed to stall number one, MY FAVORITE STALL...DAMMIT...SOMEONE ELSE IS IN IT oh well...this one will do I think to myself....
I had heard the toilet flush upon entering so figured I'd just keep my ass cheeks clinched to avoid letting the biggest fart ever out (it had been building for a hot minute). When suddenly, I hear, "Hey Tommy?" in a country accent followed by snickering...FUCK!!! It was cheerleader and she wanted to apparently hold a conversation with me while I shat...NOT COOL. My insides were twisting at this point because I had to go so bad, but I couldn't knowing that I had an audience.
Me: Um, yeah dude what's up
Cheerleader: (snicker snicker, embarrassed) I clogged the toilet...I took a massive shit and it's about to overflow what am I going to do?
Me: (laughing hysterically and still trying not to fart loud) go get maintenance and ask for a plunger...
Cheerleader: OH MY GOD DUDE!!! I can't do that, then they'll know I shit and clogged the toilet...I'm going to wait a few minutes and try to flush it again...the water stopped at the top but it might overflow...
Me: Dude, I have a deuce to drop myself and can't do it with you in here talking to me...
She laughs and walks out...
A few minutes later she returns, her giggling gives her away and I immediately start cracking up as well.
Cheerleader: Field Hockey yelled at me and said I better not leave it--she said there was a plunger in here somewhere (her voice trailing behind her as she moved all around the bathroom) FOUND IT (she exclaimed excitedly from the handicap stall next to me)
I was thinking great...I have a green shit stink cloud swarming around me and she wants to be galavanting around here...she's probably going to go run to Field Hockey's office and tattle on me...Tommy's taking a shit, hahaha...
Again, I digress.
I heard her walk into the end stall (at this point I'm thankful someone else was in my favorite stall because if not, it would be me making the toilet overflow)...So I'm compassionate to her situation but more thankful that it wasn't me...totally jacked up I know. But anyway...She narrates while plunging...
Cheerleader: Oh my god, did I touch anything....ewwwwww grossssss
Cheerleader: Oh my god dude I think I churned it around too much it's all cloudy and gross....
Me: Flush it again and plunge at the same time and see if that works
Cheerleader: Oh my god I can't do that, I'm too scared....then everyone will know it was me...
Me: How
Cheerleader: WHEN THE SHITS ON THE FLOOR AND THE FLOOR IS FLOODED AND I HAVE TO GO GET MAINTENANCE THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME
Me: (laughing hysterically while shitting and trying to be her on-premise advisor apparently)
Cheerleader: I'm leaving it
She leaves. I finish my biznazz and wash my hands...I head back to my office and the minute the door beeps and unlatches, I see Cheerleader pop her head out of Field Hockey's office...she laughs hysterically.
I stop into Field Hockey's office and explain how I didn't appreciate standing there washing my hands and having someone else walk in and having to freak out thinking they'd go to stall number one see a giant turd floating there and think..."eww that tommy is a dirty nasty bitch" (luckily the girl went straight to a different stall which gave me time to get out without being suspected)
We all laugh...
Cheerleader: Well now no one will think it was either of us, we are in the clear
Field Hockey: Uh, Yeah, except tomorrow morning poor ol maintenance is going to go in there to clean the toilets and his be grossed out
Cheerleader: it will dissolve some by then
Me: (laughing hysterically) Dude, Sit doesn't dissolve, it just breaks up and floats around all rogue like
Field Hokey: EWWW....and the water is going to be all brown and cloudy, that is soooo gross
Cheerleader: but I left the plunger next to the toilet so at least He'll think "well at least they tried to fix it...
Me: (speechless laughing hysterically thinking, please don't get the urge to pee...you can't go back in the bathroom today--you're not allowed....you can't do it...you can't risk it....
We talk a while longer about random shit situations while on the topic of shit....when Field Hockey announces:
"I'm not so grossed about about the fact we are talking about it now, I'm more concerned about the fact that ya'll were in the bathroom dual pooping....that's soooo gross and disturbing."
To sum things up Cheerleader was concerned about making the toilet overflow and then everyone know it was her. I was like how are they going to know, it's not like they are going to walk on the floor and find a big ol turd with a post it not that reads "Cheerleader's Turd." She was like NO, JACKASS....I would have had to get maintenance and be like, um, I made the toilet overflow....
I needed this to happen today...I hadn't laughed that hard in a long while...and cheerleaders face as she closed to office door to ensure no one heard us speak of shit (or at least her shit) made me the weakest of all...
I had heard the toilet flush upon entering so figured I'd just keep my ass cheeks clinched to avoid letting the biggest fart ever out (it had been building for a hot minute). When suddenly, I hear, "Hey Tommy?" in a country accent followed by snickering...FUCK!!! It was cheerleader and she wanted to apparently hold a conversation with me while I shat...NOT COOL. My insides were twisting at this point because I had to go so bad, but I couldn't knowing that I had an audience.
Me: Um, yeah dude what's up
Cheerleader: (snicker snicker, embarrassed) I clogged the toilet...I took a massive shit and it's about to overflow what am I going to do?
Me: (laughing hysterically and still trying not to fart loud) go get maintenance and ask for a plunger...
Cheerleader: OH MY GOD DUDE!!! I can't do that, then they'll know I shit and clogged the toilet...I'm going to wait a few minutes and try to flush it again...the water stopped at the top but it might overflow...
Me: Dude, I have a deuce to drop myself and can't do it with you in here talking to me...
She laughs and walks out...
A few minutes later she returns, her giggling gives her away and I immediately start cracking up as well.
Cheerleader: Field Hockey yelled at me and said I better not leave it--she said there was a plunger in here somewhere (her voice trailing behind her as she moved all around the bathroom) FOUND IT (she exclaimed excitedly from the handicap stall next to me)
I was thinking great...I have a green shit stink cloud swarming around me and she wants to be galavanting around here...she's probably going to go run to Field Hockey's office and tattle on me...Tommy's taking a shit, hahaha...
Again, I digress.
I heard her walk into the end stall (at this point I'm thankful someone else was in my favorite stall because if not, it would be me making the toilet overflow)...So I'm compassionate to her situation but more thankful that it wasn't me...totally jacked up I know. But anyway...She narrates while plunging...
Cheerleader: Oh my god, did I touch anything....ewwwwww grossssss
Cheerleader: Oh my god dude I think I churned it around too much it's all cloudy and gross....
Me: Flush it again and plunge at the same time and see if that works
Cheerleader: Oh my god I can't do that, I'm too scared....then everyone will know it was me...
Me: How
Cheerleader: WHEN THE SHITS ON THE FLOOR AND THE FLOOR IS FLOODED AND I HAVE TO GO GET MAINTENANCE THEY ARE GOING TO KNOW IT WAS ME
Me: (laughing hysterically while shitting and trying to be her on-premise advisor apparently)
Cheerleader: I'm leaving it
She leaves. I finish my biznazz and wash my hands...I head back to my office and the minute the door beeps and unlatches, I see Cheerleader pop her head out of Field Hockey's office...she laughs hysterically.
I stop into Field Hockey's office and explain how I didn't appreciate standing there washing my hands and having someone else walk in and having to freak out thinking they'd go to stall number one see a giant turd floating there and think..."eww that tommy is a dirty nasty bitch" (luckily the girl went straight to a different stall which gave me time to get out without being suspected)
We all laugh...
Cheerleader: Well now no one will think it was either of us, we are in the clear
Field Hockey: Uh, Yeah, except tomorrow morning poor ol maintenance is going to go in there to clean the toilets and his be grossed out
Cheerleader: it will dissolve some by then
Me: (laughing hysterically) Dude, Sit doesn't dissolve, it just breaks up and floats around all rogue like
Field Hokey: EWWW....and the water is going to be all brown and cloudy, that is soooo gross
Cheerleader: but I left the plunger next to the toilet so at least He'll think "well at least they tried to fix it...
Me: (speechless laughing hysterically thinking, please don't get the urge to pee...you can't go back in the bathroom today--you're not allowed....you can't do it...you can't risk it....
We talk a while longer about random shit situations while on the topic of shit....when Field Hockey announces:
"I'm not so grossed about about the fact we are talking about it now, I'm more concerned about the fact that ya'll were in the bathroom dual pooping....that's soooo gross and disturbing."
To sum things up Cheerleader was concerned about making the toilet overflow and then everyone know it was her. I was like how are they going to know, it's not like they are going to walk on the floor and find a big ol turd with a post it not that reads "Cheerleader's Turd." She was like NO, JACKASS....I would have had to get maintenance and be like, um, I made the toilet overflow....
I needed this to happen today...I hadn't laughed that hard in a long while...and cheerleaders face as she closed to office door to ensure no one heard us speak of shit (or at least her shit) made me the weakest of all...
Sunday, July 19, 2009
New saying...
I was doing my boss's mom's hair today (she's my regular side hussle)...anyway she used an expression I had never heard before but made me laugh so I wanted to share.
She said (in reference to her husband running to the bathroom), "He was as fast as a fart in a hot skillet."
I found it amusing as I said...however my all time favorite I stole from my friend Archie. He was talking about gas prices and said that they were, "High as giraffe pussy." I still use this one whenever I'm talking about something that I can't afford.
Good times.
She said (in reference to her husband running to the bathroom), "He was as fast as a fart in a hot skillet."
I found it amusing as I said...however my all time favorite I stole from my friend Archie. He was talking about gas prices and said that they were, "High as giraffe pussy." I still use this one whenever I'm talking about something that I can't afford.
Good times.
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