Is it Friday yet...

So I'm tired all the time. I wake up Monday mornings wanting to fast forward to Friday just so the weekend is that much closer. I find myself today, Wednesday--hump day of all things yet again struggling to stay awake at work. My eyeballs are heavy and the fact that I only have 7 contractors working today makes for a slow day. No coachings to do, no pressing must do's or any of that jazz....just me trying to come up with McGeyver like ways of staying awake... no luck yet.

I am supposed to be shown how to use AS400...one of the systems they use here in the warehouse (it's how the products/pallets are tracked from the time they start being picked to the time they are shipped)...I'm supposed to have my own login now, but that has been put on hold because the Assistant GM isn't sure that me having a login is a good idea. Nothing against me, just the thought of an On-Site Supervisor that works for a different company having access to one of their systems freaks them out apparently...but regardless I'm going to learn it so that it will help me coach my contractors in the long run...that's the important thing, not whether or not I have a login to go with it.

I've decided that though it would make my paycheck suck complete and total ass, I'd like to have at least a half a day Friday off. I need to figure out a time that I can take Pepper to the vet and get her nails trimmed...(Pepper doesn't like it when I do it--I've never hurt her by doing it, but she just freaks out...I think she just doesn't think her mom should be doing such things to her...) So I take her to the vet where they cut them shorter because they know what they are doing and she remains calm the whole time and they are done in under thirty seconds....that's worth ten bucks to me. Plus I'm out of her flea stuff and I'll need some within a couple of weeks so might as well add that to the list.

I need to clean grandma's windows. I do them once a year, normally around memorial day (though I'm behind schedule this year obviously)...because since we have fields on every side of the house the dust and dirt from the farmers plowing gets out of hand from time to time...she normally pays me 10 bucks a window which translates into about 300 bucks in one day. Not too shabby. I think that I'm going to offer to do it for her half price this time though because even though I could use some of the money towards bills...my main focus right now is just having money to put toward my sisters baby shower gift. (Jen and I are going in together to get something and even though she always tells me not to worry about it, she can handle it...I don't pay rent where I live, and she does...so I'm hell bent on carrying my weight somewhere because by all technicality I have few bills than her...does that make sense?) I want my sister to open our gift and be like "hell yeah...Jen and Tommy are the best.." which she'd do anyway if all we bought was a booger sucker thing...but again, I digress.

There's a lot of stuff coming up in the next few weeks:

This weekend is my dad's surprise going away/birthday party. That will kick off Sunday.

The Sunday after that I have to go to Richmond for my dad's official send off. Since he's being deployed for AN ENTIRE YEAR on his birthday (Aug. 7) he won't be able to leave base that weekend, but the families are invited to a cookout thing to say bye and all that jazz for him to officially leave that Monday....He'll be in Germany for a couple of weeks and then go to Kosovo from there.

The weekend after that is my sister's baby shower. Since none of her friends are reliable and stepped up me, my aunt melissa, and my mom are all trying to put it together for her...though my portion consists of staying out of the freaking way primarily, lol.

Then finally....the next weekend will consist of some R and R down in Hatteras with Jen and Lil man...(and whoever else in the family that might be down there already)... I have requested that Friday off so that we can go down Thursday night and have a long weekend down there. I'm going to take them on the ferry over to Ocracoke Island and just down and around wherever....it's going to be fun and is already much needed.

Then my sister should have the baby anytime between then and September 25 (her due date is the 15th, though she's aiming for the 9th because she wants her baby to have 09/09/09 as her birthday, lol.

For now, I'll just sneak a nap this afternoon so that I don't fall asleep during my group meeting tonight at 9:30...since I won't have a chance to go to bed at a decent hour tonight...that's the best I can do.

Shhhh! No talking.

I took this picture at the beginning of the year...it was Jen's first trip to Hatteras....she finally got to see why I love it so much and she too fell in love with it...almost immediately.

This weekend reminded me a great deal of the early months of Jen and my relationship. We didn't argue or have any issues because it was all so new and so incredibly enjoyable. We are still new in comparison to many, still approaching our one year together...I think that the best part of this weekend was the fact that for now we just agreed to disagree in a way. It's like we both long to be near each other but sometimes analyze shit to death and take the fun right out of it.

I have a hard time in relationships because I want things my way and my way only the majority of the time. I get so pissed off over the littlest things sometimes that I lose sight of the "big picture." It's not all about me. Granted, I do want to be happy and I absolutely refuse to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone...I've done that before. I guess when I saw my current relationship headed down the same path as a previous one...I freaked out. I had to really look at the situation and figure out where I was going wrong. No, I don't have all the answers, nor was I enlightened with some super secret knowledge that very few know....what I did realize however is that I am indeed the only common link between my current relationship and my past relationship (the one that is of any circumstance anyway)...

How do you tell someone that you really enjoy their company MOST of the time but that you have phases where you don't want to be around them (not because they've done something wrong...) but because your overwhelmed and don't want to take things out on them. You'd think it would be easy to just say those things...but it's not.

It seems that feelings get hurt and people often take it personally if you don't want to spend every waking moment with them. I'm a strong supporter of remaining an individual while still having a successful relationship. I want to do things that I enjoy and for Jen to do things that she enjoys and then to also have things that we enjoy doing together. For instance she likes to shoot hoops...I can't stand the thought of playing basketball...ugh..not to mention I'm like three feet tall compared to her, haha. But I have things that I like to do by myself, or just hanging out with my sister or whatever...there are things that we do together as well.

I guess for me it's difficult to not always be in control. When things get out of hand in my life (i.e. when I get stressed out because of family, gma, school, work, all of the above plus some....) I no longer have that "pretend" control that I always try to have...and it all goes down hill from there. That's when all of a sudden things that on a normal day wouldn't bother me at all becomes my focus and eventually I cause a fight and make it the emphasis of my argument.

Long story short, I own the fact that I'm not an easy person to date and I'm not the best verbal communicator. I do however have to give it to Jen for being patient overall... and willing to let me take a few days and just not communicate with her. Don't get me wrong, we still talked and had phenomenal dirty kinky porn style sex, but we didn't analyze anything or talk about any "issues/problems." We just enjoyed each others' company and had a good time. Sure eventually we'll talk, but I'm glad that I was finally just able to say, "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I want to talk about all that stuff...I want to focus on x, y, and z and just enjoy your company..."

I'm finally at the point where I feel like I can say I don't want to talk about "it" lets talk about something else or just do anything but..." and it will be okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I can say that I won't or cant talk about something and it's okay...eventually I'm going to talk about it, but I know how I am...and if I force it or am forced to discuss something when I'm not ready or not at a point where it's mentally feasible...it's going to be a bad situation.... something will come from nothing and I'll end up flipping out for no visible reason.

For now I'm content...I had a great weekend and I'm back to feeling like I have a wonderful woman in my life (granted she hadn't done anything for real to warrant me feeling otherwise...) I just needed to be able to not try and explain shit and analyze it to death....

Things are back to the way they should be. And we've planned our next trip to hatteras...towards the end of August....good times....

Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuin

My favorite place

It's no secret that I love the ocean, the beach, the sand, the smell that accompanies the entire experience. I live about 45 minutes from Virginia Beach (but never go because it is like tourist hell) and the beach isn't what I want it to be. Instead I always venture to my trusted favorite: Hatteras Island, NC--it's part of the Outer Banks of NC, but down past the beaches of Nags Head, Corolla, Duck, Kitty Hawk, etc...

A single 2 lane road gets you there...the movie Nights in Rodanthe was filmed in Rodanthe, NC which is a part of Hatteras Island (the movie was based on the book by Nicholas Sparks)....but anyway...

It's one of those places where the highway occassionally gets washed out if the waves are rough and the tide comes in too far...Frequent mandatory evacuations occur during hurricane season...but none of that matters.
What does matter is the feeling I get when I cross that VA/NC line when the anticipation begins to build...and the smell that fills my insides as early as crossing the Wright Brothers Memorial Bridge heading to the Outer Banks....How ancy I get driving through tourist hell in Nags Head and Kitty Hawk, looking forward to the stop light where I will take that left hand turn and be on HWY 12...and almost there.

My parent's beach house (which used to belong to Gma) is in Salvo, down past Rodanthe, but before Avon...and a simple one story 2 bedroom cottage that was built in the 50's or 60's...it's not like these new multimillion dollar deals that people rent out for a week at a time and spend anywhere from a grand to ten grand (yes, for a single week)... whoa.
It's a place to go and relax. For the longest time we didn't even have a TV down there, no phones were allowed, fishing and relaxing...that was the key. Now there is a TV, everyone has their cell phones, and a couple of window units attempt to keep everyone cool in the sweltering, humid heat of July and August.

Most of the time when I visit it's soley to get away. To ride out on the beach (you have to have 4x4 to do that, so I generally catch a ride with mom or dad and just sit. Walk barefoot on the sand and let the waves crash at my ankles (though sometimes if I'm not paying attention I get hit by one at waist level...that'll wake you up.) The seaspray and salt sticking to your skin...the shells scattered are beautiful to me, but sad at the same time. I feel bad if I pick up one and not the other, as if indicated that one has a beauty that the other does not. Who am I to judge all that? But alas, my pockets are not big enough to carry all that I find, besides, I need to save some for those still waiting to experience all that Hatteras has to offer.
When I can, I like to drive farther down the island until I reach the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse (pictured above)...it's the tallest in the country and absolutely amazing. I climbed it once, before they moved it (they had to get it away from where it was because the sand was eroding away and it was going to fall into the ocean...) Oh so many steps, but the view from the top is one I'll never forget. I told my mom that if I die before she does, it is imparative that my ashes be sprinkled and or dumped somewhere in the vacinity of this lighthouse, or at least on my favorite span of beach...I want to be there forever.

She of course said, "Oh, so you want like a burial at sea." I said, "Yeah, something like that." She responded back, "Well shit, why don't I just flush your ashes down the toilet...you're bound to make it to the sea eventually..."

Good grief. Lol. I'm overdue for a visit and I can tell. The beach/ocean is a part of me and I do periodically get like a fish out of water....gasping what seems like my last breath, not knowing if I'll make it before its too late.

I just want to escape and Hatteras will so let me do that. I will be allowed to be alone with my thoughts, but have the option to turn them and everything out with the crashing waves....If I wasn't doing hair this weekend I'd so just get in my car and drive, even if I had to trade sexual favors for gas money to get back (not literally)...

The time will be right soon enough...and then I will be rescued by the sea...even if only temporarily.