Saturday, February 26, 2011

On this day

I'm sure I'll blog more another day, but I just wanted to share that today my grandfather passed away.  He was seventy years old.  Before today I never knew he had been awarded a Bronze Star... thought that was pretty cool.

Also today, My Uncle Gene passed away.  The two departed within a half hour of each other.

A lot to take in and process... I know that they are both in a better place, but still I'm selfish and would have much rather kept them here.

For now, I need sleep.  The 12 hour drive to get here wore me out.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Mixed Emotions

This has been an interesting week so far and it's only Tuesday. I'm going recap in chronocological order, not because any one event is more important the next, but because I'm so scatterbrained right now I'd never get it all out otherwise.

Monday was an excellent day--and for a Monday, well in my world, that is completely freaking unheard of. I got to work, was actually working when my bossed called my cell phone and said he needed to see me upstairs in the office. I made a wise crack about, ugh...what'd i do this time...but went anyway.

Turns out I'm getting a raise--SWEET. My evaluation isn't complete yet, but they know I did at least mediocre and since the increase is effective 1/1/11... they only want to have to back pay so much... so this week when I get paid, I'll have a lil extra cash....NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME....

Monday afternoon brought some less than awesome news with my Grandfather going into the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack.  This morning my mom and aunt left for Kentucky to be with him (their dad) and to be there for my grandmother.  The update at that point was that he had had a good night, but was fighting the tubes so he was sedated and still critical, and yes it had been a heart attack, plus he has pneumonia.

This evening I went to my weight watchers meeting. I had joined a week ago with my sister and tonight was my first weigh in to see if I had lost anything.  My sister stuck with the plan to a T an even worked out some... I however did baby steps and cut out fast food this week and my favorite of all things PEPSI... I made better decisions overall, but didn't track my points nearly as well as I should have.  Moment of truth, my sister gets on the scale (I held Charley, since mom was out of town, we had no babysitter)... she was down 12.8 pounds IN ONE WEEK. Freaking spectacular.... I was super proud (she's a lil more motivated than me in the sense that she vowed she wasn't having sex again until she lost 50 pounds, she's now 20 pounds into her goal... and fiending..funny the things that motivate folks. I thought of considering the same approach but decided that was dumb considering I just don't have enough hours in the day to constitute the number of times I'd have to rub one out in addition to what I already do...

I got on the scale and .... lost 5.6 pounds this week. For me, THAT'S AMAZING. I'm rather proud... I'm thinking of starting a weightloss blog so that I can blog about all this boring shit there and not force everyone who reads my blog to read stuff like that... I dunno.  The weight watcher meeting ran long so there was no celebration portion...normally you get recognized for such things as, 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 5 pecent or 10 percent of your body weight lost... BUT NOOOOOOO!!!! Not this week... I was bummed... I'ma have to buy my sister a sticker because I think she did a phenomenal job.

On the way out of the meeting my sister called my mom because she knew that we'd get a celebration from her and she'd say YAYYYYYYYY!!!! for us and boost our egos... however when I saw my sister's eyes watering up I knew that that wasn't going to be the case.

It turns out that my grandfather's heart isn't strong enough to pump and fight the pnuemonia... and since he needs the oxygen to's really the machines keeping him alive. The lung specialist is due in the morning at which point my mom will be able to call me and give me an update and let me know what's up... and if I'm going to be making a trip to KY.  This of course makes me very very sad.

It also brings me to another issue that i"m having that I have created another blog for, but have not posted to yet... You see I'm bipolar. I've denied it for years and even played it off as a hormone imbalance or just being a Gemini...but not the case. I just hate feeling crazy.  I'm not crazy, just CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED, not my fucking fault, doesn't make me any less of a wonderful freaking person you know.  But i digress.

In 2004, my other Grandfather passed away... I had been in a similar state of mind where I am now prior to this happening and was crushed when he died.  (breif story, I'm a rapid cycling bipolar person which means my moods change frequently... but every 2 to 3 years I hit a point where I get extremely depressed and since I never stay on medication, this becomes extremely difficult to deal with... I'll go into detail later on on my other blog, but for now, just trying to have this all make sense.)....

Well I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist yesterday but the doctor was sick, so she rescheduled. The point of the visit was to get back on medication and stop fucking up my life royally, (i.e. my relationship, potentially my job, my everything in general.... I do this self sabotage thing whenever something is going really well in my life, a whole other blog in itself)... Something came up at work last week and I tried to reschedule the appointment and the next available appointment wasn't until March 17...NO GOOD.   So anyway, I guess that since the doc was sick, they were more willing to get me in in a timely fashion so my appointment was bumped up to Wednesday (tomorrow)...

By this point I'm sure you are wondering why the fuck this is even relevant.... Well I found myself riding in the passenger seat headed home from weight watchers when I just started crying. My sister had just stopped crying from the news of our grandpa, and she asked me if I was alright... I cried/laughed and said, "you know, it's fucked up, but all I can think is THANK GOD I DIDN'T RESCHEDULE MY DR APPT TO THE 17TH OF MARCH... I WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING MADE IT" I mean hell, it was a month after my grandpa died that I voluntarily committed myself for a couple of days to the nut house because after a talk with my therapist at the time she gave me the option of doing it on my own or her doing it and then i wouldn't have a say as to when the hell I was getting out.  (at the time I was suicidal and my meds weren't working)...

She chuckled and then reminded me about how I had put chapstick on my grandpa because he lips were really chapped, softlips brand to be specific, and then he died. It was an on going joke for awhile after I broke down and said, "my softlips killed grandpa" because while it was a coincidence, it was two minutes after that that he took his last breath.  It was a lot to deal with considering how depressed I had been in the days leading up to this.

I guess it's selfish to a point.... but at the same time, I know who uncontrollable this whole bipolar thing's ridiculous really. I'm not nearly as depressed as I have been in the past, and I'm not suicidal, but I have just spent the past few months making myself ill somehow... because all the shit I've had done and tests run by doctors the best they can come up with is acid reflux...well when i got the news about grandpa tonight that same sharp pain I had been getting came back after being gone for weeks... Oh yeah, ANXIETY... I forgot we used to be friends....

THe moral of the story is that I'm dealing with a lot right now, not to say that I'm the only one with issues by any means... I just need to vent. I'm going to my psychiatrist appt tomorrow and going to take the next step in getting back on meds and controlling this beast called bipolar and actually sticking to the regimen... i'm working with my therapist to actually follow through with this and stya on the meds.... I found out I was bipolar when I was about 19 or 20... here I am about to be 30, which hello i sthe new 20 and it's like I'm all the way back at the beginning...I gotta get it together.

I checked my facebook tonight and got confirmation that my uncle Gene is also on his last leg.  My uncle Gene is my Aunt Tom's husband.  I was named after my Aunt Tom(my), Aunt Tom Being my great aunt and my grandpa who is in the hospital right now's sister.... Hospice is saying he's got 2 to 3 days to live.  I can't go to NC to be with him and I havent seen him in over 3 years, despite loving them very much something always came up... I never made time.... If i have to choose, I have to pick KY to do the grandpa thing....

i have a lot on my mind in addition to all of that. I'm trying to paint because I had this awesome idea in my head but it's not working out real well do to my lack of focus and over perfection self... I can't get it to look the way I see it in my head. I've been spending some time with Jen and I remember more and more everyday that I love her. I regret fucking things up the way I did, but can't undo the past.  She mentioned the other day that the reason she had had such a rough valentine's day was because she had planeed in october to ask me to spend the rest of my life with her on Valentines day which broke my heart (though I know that wasn't her intention, she ewas just venting and I was just listening...)  That's also when I said, it wouldn't have mattered because I had planned since August to ask her in November (which passed and started to be the point where I started fucking shit up royally)...

I can't be lame and blame everything that went down on being bipolar, but anyone who really knows me will vouch for shit like this.... to a point.  Jen has been doing a lot of research on thewhole thing and she even admitted that a lot of shit makes sense now.  (about me in general, not necessarily a specific event)... When I first started dating Jen I was medicated, but I felt so good when I was around her I didn't feel like I needed it...I fell hard and I fell fast for her... she lit up my world and made me smile non stop like I just taken some serious bong hits or something...permagrin all the time...I quit the meds... I even rmember telling her what to expect when I quit them cold turkey which is what I always did... and she supported me because it's what I wanted (nowadays though I think if I were to tell her I was going to quit my meds she'd put her foot down and probably threaten my life if I did...)  I hate how the meds make me gain weight.... make it impossible to orgasm, etc etc etc.

When I go to my appointment tomorrow trust and believe I will be telling the doctor that if I'm going to stay on some fucking medication I've gotta be able to cum and I don't want to get any fatter... I'm going to say it just like that. I don't sugar coat the shit AT ALL.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Mental health hay day

First of all let me just say my uncle rocks.  You see my uncle, the one I go get tattooed with all the time has a fancy schmancy mechanical engineering job that requires him to travel frequently.  Well this week it brought him close to my mom's house... this trip led him to the Hilton Hotel about 15 miles from my mom's house. He finished his job early SOOOO he gave me his room for the last night he was supposed to have it.

So yes folks, picture it. Me, a super fabulous bed, tv..., wireless internet, and peace and quiet.  Alone with my thoughts or the lack there of :)


Can I get a hell yeah to a free mental health holiday. 

I heart Hilton Garden Inn....

Monday, February 14, 2011

Hard to believe

It's hard to believe... it's that time of year again... Valentine's day. Pfffft. I've never been a huge fan, but one good thing I'll say is that today marks my parent's 30th wedding anniversary.  Incredible really... I don't know how they did it...I can't seem to make it past two, lol. 

Anyway, more importantly, congratulations to them and here's to many more.  I love you mom and dad.

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

the things we know

I was talking to my mom this evening--i just wanted to vent for a second and have someone listen. In talking to her... I began to feel better. This is a good thing. When I was finished she called me out on something, which is something she is really good at...

This time, she called me out on the fact that I think too much. I'm constantly in a what if scenario--I KNOW THIS ABOUT MYSELF, but it doesn't make it any easier to not do it, you know...

But the other interesting thing she called me out on and she's mentioned it before was how it seems that I won't allow myself to be happy. She looked at me and asked me, "Tommy, why won't you allow yourself to be happy?" What an excellent question. She said that I don't think I deserve to be happy...

Heres the kicker... I really do feel like I deserve to be happy, but 9 times out of 10 I feel like someone else deserves it more...which is what makes it so difficult when it comes to time give someone bad news or say something that may hurt someone's feelings. It's only once in a blue moon that I get selfish and choose my own happiness over someone else's, but dammit, in the long run--I FUCKING DESERVE TO BE HAPPY.

And for now, I'm happy with many pieces of the puzzle that is tommy's life right now. When it's all said and done, I'm going to come out on top and make happiness my bitch. No easier way to say it right now.

Take two of these and call me in the morning

I went to the specialist today... they are leaning toward issues with my gallbladder.

Lots of blood work done, sent me home with 3 small cups with lids (for my poop) which was a whole new kind of fun... (testing for parasites or bacteria or something)

I go back on Friday for an ultrasound of my upper right quadrant... and they scheduled me for an endoscopy and colonoscopy on the 17th of this month as well.  The plus side is that if my bottom half gets betters then I won't have to do that procedure...

And while I want nothing to be wrong with me in general...if there is I hope they can tell with the ultrasound and let me skip the other two procedures on the 17th...

We shall see.  For now, I'm getting accustomed to pressure and discomfort at this point...what's another few days.


I hate the games that people don't play. Does that make sense? It will to anyone who has ever been with someone that denied ever playing mind games when in fact they were fucking masters at them. Ridiculous. I should have known better than to think that this shit would just natural... that we could truly be friends.

I don't know what the fuck I was thinking. You were so worried about me "falling off the radar" the minute I walked out the were so worried that I wouldn't talk to you anymore... you talked about how much that would hurt.  So I guess your solution to the problem is to ignore my texts...have your son call me to tell me he misses me and hang up as soon as he says bye, to avoid having to talk to me.

You accused me of defriending you on facebook, which I didn' an act of good faith I sent you a friend request.... so I guess it's easier for you to ignore that as well.

I have to take into account that everyone processes shit differently. Maybe you are hurting on the inside, and maybe, secretly you are relieved to be free.  Free from my OCD tendencies and "debbie downerness" and my constant raining on your parade.  I wouldn't fucking know.

I wouldnt fucking know much of anything right now as it pertains to your world. That's your choice. I just hope that you've taken into consideration all f the possibilities here. This may not go the way you pictured it in you head. This may not go that way at all... and then again, since I'm no mind just very well may go exactly where you want it to. I don't fucking know.

I hope it brings you some type of solace to know that I am in deed hurting. I think that what you are doing sucks, but then again I have to respect that you are dealing with your own hurt and it is what it is.

Living with my mom is not an ideal situation from me, but there are some bright sides.  For example, I have a wonderful family that loves me and just the fact that I have a place to call home and find refuge means the world to me right now.  I get to spend time with my niece and give her baths at night and rock her to sleep if I want... The 45 minute commute gives me time to decompress at the end of the work day... No one makes me talk about anything I don't want to and I love that.

It's probably best you aren't speaking to me right now. Neither one of us are ready. This whole "non" game thing that you are doing is giving me the ability to really address my own rage, my own anger...

My feelings have shifted from guilt to jaw clenching aggressive anger. I cant explain it right now, but alas, it is what it is.

I'm disappointed with the outcome...and like you, I'm left questioning the sincerity of our last words with one another... I'm left questioning what roles we will play in each other's life. I'm left lost, lost--but certainly not alone.

I can't stand these games that you don't play.  I guess now you know the answer to one of your questions... I'll take "what would you do if you were in my shoes" for 1000 alex.

Fuck it.