Tuesday, November 29, 2011

On the work front

Continuing on with the trend I've been setting--things have been quiet for me in blog world (obviously), this does not hold true in my real life.  A lot has been happening with my mental health (see other blog)... but more importantly a lot has been happening at work which has been contributing to said mental health. 

The 90 hour work weeks have drawn to a close.  The warehouse is beginning to empty out. I'm beginning to do transfer orders (where we ship things to other suppliers to make a profit rather than just throw the shit away)...we are recycling a great deal of cardboard.  The racks where all of my inventory was held were broken down yesterday so now there a great deal of space where if I had insurance and trusted my skills I'd roller skate through the place, lol.

December 31 or doom's day is nearing quickly, though looking at what remains to be done I still think we will be out much sooner.  I had interviewed a while ago with Target Distribution for an opportunity to relocate to Tyler, TX had I got the job. I made it through the entire interview process, but alas, was not the right fit.  (It was not meant to be) though it would have been a kick ass gig. I like the concept of Target because of take on Diversity, they are well known for being accepting of peoples thoughts, beliefs, backgrounds, lifestyles, etc... I thought it would have been cool, but it was good interview experience and it says a great deal that I even made it as far as I did, because it's not easy to get in there.  That makes me feel good.

Now I'm awaiting an interview on December 5th with another Distribution center that will mean a relocation but this time, only 4 hours from home, and will keep me in VA.  It will be in the Shenandoah Valley, 30 minutes outside of West VA, and hour and half from Washington DC... 3 hours up I 81 from my sister who lives around VA Tech... and still just 6 1/2 hours from Hatteras my favorite place on earth (thus far), lol. It is still considered country, but is central to "civilization" and is a distribution center for a large retail store.  This particular company has 11, soon to be 12 distribution Centers in the US which means opportunity for growth and advancement...and I see great things should I do well with this interview.  I drive up on Sunday, stay in a hotel, interview  Monday, drive my 4 hours back Monday afternoon and come back to work on Tuesday.

I'm very nervous.  I have a lot riding on this.  But should it go well, Jen is completely on board and willing to roll with the punches and see where this takes us.  It would mean benefits for me again, more money, and more opportunity.  It is a large company and a chance for longevity.  Something I want.

Nonetheless things are not easy hear at work, Christmas is right around the corner and its hard to stay chipper when you are worried about your job situation you know... but it will all work out I'm sure.  I got this.  Hey at least if I'm not working I'll have time to blog, HAHAHA.... though I won't know what i'll blog about, hahah.

Side note, lil man and I started building a lego city last night because he has this huge play table in his room and he has all my old legos in his room that my mom saved so we have the city laid out and we are going to work on it little by little all week, I know i'm a nerd, but I'm kind of stoked about it, don't judge me.

Jen's new makeover

It was around three years ago this time that I transformed Jen into a new her. She wanted something different and I gave it to her. She had hair down her back and I gave her a bob. (I'm sure that there is a blog somewhere here that shows this change....)

Well three years into our relationship she we've done it again...she wanted a change and well we did it again:








So the before and after is pretty obvious :) and awesome if you ask me.  She's as beautiful as ever.

The bottom two are of us looking smokin' hot together, lol. FUN.

Sunday, September 11, 2011

Breaking the silence

Queen of Ruckus of Rainbow Over Central Avenue pointed out to me that it's been around two months of utter silence from me on the blog front.  There's a few reasons for that. I moved out of civilization and into the country which I had mentioned I would be doing...and with that comes no constant internet connection...only dial up and my parents Verizon Air card which is not unlimited and my dad needs for school... so I can't be blowing it up to do my little "rants" that I am so famous for here on blogger... I have to come into town once a week with Jen and now lil man since his return from his various summer visitation obligations to use the free wifi in town at the Dairy Queen... that sounds so quaint and old timey... almost like I hitch up the horse to the buggy and take all day getting to the DQ, but really if that was the case, not like internet would be an issue, lol.

Secondly, I am still working and I just finished up the fall flower bulb season working 14 to 18 hours a day for 5 ho 6 days a week, when not doing that, I have to still do stuff for grandma like her hair or other small things she needs done weekly (and well my cat still lives there so I need to go change the litter box regardless and give Chino kitty some love)... plus go to the laundromat and do the ungodly amount of laundry that Jen and I manage to dirty in one weeks time and hope to have one day to recoop (which still is used to clean the bedrooms, bathrooms, etc and do chores around the house to help mom out and "carry our weight" and not free load, even though we do help out financially as well)

Jen is working over 55 hours a week and hates her job, lil man has started school and loves it, loves the bus, loves his teacher, loves the country (minus the bugs and bug bites), loves that my mom and aunt help get him on and off the bus, loves his bedroom, etc... So he's happy, while Jen and I put on a smile and pretend to be happy all the time but really are miserable in our work situations... I'm about to be out of a job.

The company officially closes on Sept 30, but will run through mid November or December sometime, Depends on when we ship the last of the holiday bulbs out (which we have already started producing stuff for now...) I spend my online time applying for new jobs and not blogging... and when i have a second at work to be online its normally spent on facebook to bitch about my boss or say something fucked up and morbid to freak people out because I really am on the verge of snapping somedays... my boss is putting me over the edge...further than I've been pushed before. 

I had strongly considered taking the loss and filing for unemployment on 10/1/11 and trying to live off of the 400 bucks a week which is the maximum I could get and just trying to make it work... I have no insurance after 9/30... but if I attempt that I may very well just be out of work and denied unemployment because I can in theory continue doing my same job, but go to work through a  temp agency and make the "money" until the business physically shuts it's doors (there are two different end days, the 30th when the name and everything associated with it is no more and then when the doors physically close).. I'd be an idiot to stop working on the 30th, but my concern at this point is my mental health.

Even after being successfully medicated for like 7 or so months now and stable, my boss is purposely pushing my buttons and trying to make me crack.  I wait until i get home to really have my moments but it's really eating at me.  I'm scared to death that i'll end up in the "looney bin" and I think i blogged once before a long time ago about voluntarily committing myself a couple months after my the death of my grandfather (my first grandfather to pass away... I was maybe like 20 or 21 i can't remember now... I didn't stay long and I don't see myself trying to go back, but still it is a fear in the back of my mind...

So to say the least there is a lot going on...

I have thought about blogging without the internet, more as jounaling and then saving them to my flash drive and then just uploading them at work in the early mornings when I have time... and maybe I'll start doing that... because to be honest I've been thinking about blogging for a while... fiending is a better word.

So much has happened, I wouldn't even know where to begin to fill in the gaps.

The hurricane... my parents beach house... stuff for my bipolar blog.... my sisters weight loss and how its affected her... just stuff in general.

I'll be back eventually...maybe sooner than later... I won't be quiet for long, Believe that.  Thanks for checking on me.

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

Latest, certainly not greatest

After a week of vacation to get moved out of my apartment and into my mom's house with Jen and lil man... I returned to work and found out some less than awesome news.  They laid off 3 people last week, which I knew about because of a text from a coworker... but here's the new news:

1. We are not going to make it through holiday after all, so most likely around September or so, I will be out of a job...

2. There should be a meeting soon to inform us all that we will no longer have medical benefits (which up to this point have been paid 100% by my employer--this is awful news considering for the first time in the 11 years my bipolar meds are finally right and for one month, without insurance would cost me around 700 bucks...) they want us to enroll in Cobra...which anyone who has ever lost a job and been offered Cobra knows is ridiculously expensive and no one can really afford it...

3. We will soon probably end up working for a staffing agency, the one who has always supplied us with our temporary hispanic work force up until this point, we will become hourly (and while this is a guess on my part) probably take a pay cut as well...

4. It turns out that the CEO knew about this whole deal well before March and had this company not bought us effective June 1, we would have shown up to chains on the door...

5. It's obvious that everyone is over all this shit and ready to throw in the towel, but at the same time scared to leave until they have something else to fall back on... which I can't fault anyone for.

6. We in the warehouse are still expected to carry on business as usual when all I want to do is sabotage all the orders and stick it to "the man" lol... you know... it's just a fucked up situation.

7. I'm sure there is more, but I can't think right now. I was called about a job at our competition a few days before my move, but Im soooo over the flower bulb business... LIKE I HATE IT.

8. I also have a lead/bite in MA I'm hoping turns into something for gay marriage reasons, lol... NY is still up in the air and not sure how it will play out... a whole lot of unknowns and I can't wait forever to see how things will turn out, I've got make my own destiny at this point... I don't have much time to make it happen. 

Whether I stay in VA or relocate to a new and exciting place... I've got to do it soon... and I've got to be sure it's the right move for both Jen and I, and stable enough for lil man as well... we need to get to a point where we aren't constantly moving him around.

Regardless...I'm sure everything will work itself out.  Let the good times roll.

Monday, June 27, 2011

Moving up or moving on?

Moving can be so overwhelming, but I'm glad we have a place to go.  Jen and I are working as a team to knock out the packing and preparing... we rented a temperature controlled storage unit to put 97 percent of our belongings in... the other 3 percent will go with us to my mom and dads house in the country.  Lil man and Pepper will have plenty of room to run and play so that will be good... though Lil man will only be there a couple of weeks before he leaves for CO to see his grandparents and then in August begins his visitation with his dad and stepmom...

We still have a lot to pack and do, but we will get there... the storage place we picked has a truck they are letting us use for free for 8 hours (we're going to use that tomorrow) so we'll at least get all of the big stuff moved...) We have a ton of stuff that we are donating to the CHKD or Goodwill thrift store (whichever is closer)... we still need to pack up the kitchen... I need to box up my clothes... but overall I'd say we are more than half way there which is good stuff in my opinion.

I've got to take pepper to the vet in the morning--I took her the other day to get her nails trimmed (on account she acts so much better for them than she does for me... so it's easier on everyone) and they informed me that the only thing she's up to date on is her rabies, which doesn't have to be redone until next June... So 8am tomorrow they'll do all of her vaccines... a fecal test, heart worm test, EVERYTHING... by the time they do all that and I buy at least 6 months worth of heart worm pills I'll have spent at least 3 hundred bucks I figure... we'll see...

On a good note, Jen's interview went well, they are running her background check now and making her pee in a cup... there are a few other things to do, but they made her an offer... so we'll see how it all works out. :)

The stress levels around the apartment have been sky high. Jen is super stressed, obviously due to the fact that for the first time EVER she's not employed... She's taken a few things out on me verbally which is always fun... NOT... but it's to be expected and she later calmed herself down and became normal again.... shes not a monster by any means, but she's doing that snappy stuff and freaking out over what seems like nothing to me... (stuff that I normally do, lol--she's now doing...) so I guess it's fair that we are doing a reversal of roles in the household....  It's just more difficult since I'm a little extra hormonal or something right now, I dunno... I'm all sensitive and just want a hug, I don't freakin' wanna be yelled at.  She snapped at me because I had my fern outside the door of the apartment yesterday "AND IT HAD BEEN OUT THERE FOR A WEEK ALREADY, WHAT THE HELL WAS I PLANNING ON DOING WITH IT?" She snapped at me because "I ASKED HER TO PAY FOR THE STORAGE UNIT" even though I told her I was going to reimburse her on the 30th... (I needed to leave money in my account for my doctors visit today, refill my meds, and peppers vet visit).... Just little things and I'm not trying to make her sound evil, because she isn't, but I just needed to vent, because my feelings were quite hurt and she did make me cry... because it was out of character for her--but I realize that she has a lot on her plate.

On the plus side my meds seem to be working because I haven't flipped out or gone off the deep end through all of this, lol. YAY. Overall, I have a hey, it's all gonna work out attitude...

I took Jen and Lil Man with me to Fayetteville, NC for a couple of days to meet my Aunt Tom.  She's actually my great Aunt... like 70 something now... and still lives down where I'm originally from (in the Fort Bragg, NC area)... so Jen saw a glimpse of that and got to meet one of my favorite ladies... she got to hear how she calls me "Tommy Elizabeth Darlin'" and Lil man didn't want to leave... he loved the in ground pool in the backyard... and the fact that my cousins (who are in their low 20s--actually her granddaughters she adopted from her son--had live in boyfriend/husbands) that had video game consoles they let him play...he was content...but kept calling her my Aunt Mom... until he figured out that she's the lady that I was named after and then it became a little easier for him.

She heard a few stories and got a few laughs and just had an overall relaxing visit...it was nice.

Today, my mom flies back in from Germany.  Granted, she leaves on the first with my dad and aunt to go to Florida for a few days for some reunion, and Jen and I are in charge of dogsitting for her... no biggie, since by then, we'll live there anyway...

On Saturday afternoon I took Jen to a cookout I had been invited to.  It was a small gathering of a few folks I went to high school with and hadn't seen in about 12 years... It actually turned out much better than I imagined.  Jen enjoyed herself as well which I was relieved about.  She heard stories I hadn't bargained on, but she got a kick out of, nonetheless... lol.  She heard about my pot smoking days and how no one new except my friend Tony (who was present) because I was too busy being an overachiever, Senior class president, Prom Queen, Founder of my Youth group at church and such... lol...

I can remember posing for the Honors Society picture for the paper and the reporter asking how to spell my name and my friend Tony coming up behind and saying P-O-T-H-E-A-D.... and me going into a panic thinking oh my god, now everyone's going to know, lol... I haven't done that kind of stuff in years though, thank goodness because I'm pretty sure it contributed to my craziness, lol.

Anyway, It was a lot of fun, one of my friends was in from San Diego, the others were all local... one was in from Amsterdam, but she was unable to make it... nonetheless I'm glad that I stopped being a hermit (since high school I had avoided all of my friends from high school... I didn't know how to be around them... )

It was hard since the girls...one who was there for instance that I did hang out with, I was drinking with at a bar and we were watching her now husband play in the band... I had just come out of the closet and prior to this all the girls would go to the bathroom together, regardless of whether it was a one seater or multiple stalls... after I came out, all the girls stopped going to the bathroom with me, like I wanted their goodies or something.. being gay didn't change who I was... I had never put moves on them before the announcement, nor looked at their stuff... I had held their hair back while they puked and never once took advantage of them... but it just really hurt... and after that... the few that I hadn't written off from high school... well they were added to the list of folks I had nothing in common with.

I had spent so much of my life doing what everyone else wanted me to do and being what I thought everyone wanted me to be... it wasn't until later that I realized I could be whatever I wanted....

I'm thirty years old now and I may not have accomplished everything I thought I would by the this time... but you know what... I've accomplished a lot... I'm happy. I love my if they ever change the laws so that we can marry fiance, I love my son, I love my dog, I have a wonderful family, overall I'm a lucky person.... and I'm not on anyone's timeline but my own.

I'd say I'm moving up AND moving on.

Tuesday, June 21, 2011

at ease

I got a text message that put my mind at ease... it hasn't solved all of my issues and concerns, fears, or doubts, but for that particular moment it was what I needed to hear.  I told Jen what the message said, and she started to cry tears of relief... she stood up and gave me a hug...we had both been on the edge of our seats all weekend... worrying, sometimes in silence, sometimes acting as if we weren't but still thinking about it, wondering what ifs and the hows and whys of the universe...

Jen asked me on Saturday night what I pray about and I told her that I normally keep it fairly general... You see even before all this stuff happened with her work we had decided that something was missing in our lives and we both felt like it was a "church" setting... somewhere we could go and have a relationship with people that were like us... the church we find that I think i mentioned before, kind of does that...

Well it's interesting to me because I've never seen Jen pray prior to all this stuff, I've never seen her ask questions, or worry about whether she's praying the right way or not which is where that conversation led... she told me she didn't think she was doing it right... at which point I told her I didn't think you could do it incorrectly, you know... and I personally feel like you can have you own personal relationship with whomever you choose to identify with, whether you call him/her God, or whatever Name you come up with... it's a completely personal thing... and it's a one on one thing... I don't buy into the whole cookie cutter religions where there are doctrines and rules and one specific set of writings from a bazillion years ago is supposed to fit for ALL people in todays age... it just doesn't make sense to me how that could work... hey, for some it works, but for me, it doesn't...

That's why I like that I've found something that accepts ALL people... and allows you to believe whatever you want... because from the time I was in youth group at church something didn't sit right with me... I've always questioned things... I've always disagreed with a lot of other things... I dunno... I guess I just have this side to me that wanted more and wasn't content with what I was being spoon fed... now I'm plenty old enough to hold my own damn spoon and I'm doing just that...

But I digress and this isnt even the point of this blog... the point is that a simple text brought relief to both Jen and I, and though it doesn't solve everything that we are going through right now... it sure as hell is a step in the direction I wanna go...

Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Income, or the lack thereof

The guy from corporate visited Jen yesterday afternoon, took her keys, told her to grab a few of her things if she had anything there and told her she was suspended. She called me on her way home.  This was about two o'clock or so. She was pretty upset, which was to be expected, considering this was nearly a month after the initial crap went down with her employees "bucking" on her.

It was after 5:30 when her boss called her to "end their working relationship"... After 13 years with her company and now she has no job. Part of me wants to be positive and hopeful because I honestly DO believe that everything happens for a reason and that there IS something much better out there for her...BETTER hours... somewhere that she won't be working until 3 and 4 in the morning and have unreliable staff and no one that supports her or backs her up because they aren't paid crap ya know... however, there IS still that part of me that is freaking a little bit.

Granted I'm not lying when I'm hugging Jen and telling her I feel like everything we'll be fine, that we'll be fine... I mean hell, on the plus side we decided to NOT renew our lease so we don't have a rent payment due on the first... we're moving to my mom's til we figure out what's up... so at least there's that silver lining for now.

I know there are great things in our future...we just have to be patient enough and stay afloat long enough to get there... and I'm crossing my fingers that nothing crazy happens at my job until then... OH YEAH!!! I haven't even mentioned that in the land of blogger... my company was bought out and we have like no answers.... lol.

The company that bought it hasn't even seen our facility...it was an asset buy which includes the employees, but also means they can pick and chose which assets they want. Our CEO is implying that we should be okay until at least the end of our Holiday Season which is right around Thanksgiving (when our product is in stores...) but in reality, the new company, previously, our competition, has a bigger facility in NJ, so they could easily keep someone to oversee operations in their facility and wipe us all out all together... it's too soon to say and no one is saying shit.  All I know is that I'm inventory control supervisor and I haven't been allowed to do any adjustments in the system since this announcement was made (obviously because it affects the accounting side of things as well) and we are supposed to do a physical inventory... were supposed to do one between April and Now and still havent and our season is supposed to start Mid July and they still haven't given me a date as to when we are going to do this...?!?!?!?!!? I dunno... just weird.  Hey man, just keep the paychecks coming as long as you can you know...

So much unknown, so much unclear.... I just hope the other opportunity in my life actually allows itself to manifest into something greater....it would mean great things not just for me, but my family, and many many other people. My fingers are crossed and many prayers are being said. This morning I woke up and before I my feet hit the floor I said a prayer (I won't say to who or what because I consider myself more spiritual than religious)...

But I will say that I have started going to "church" more... I found a Unitarian Universalist Church to go to...The premise behind them basically is that you can believe whatever you want and they are respectful of everyone's religious views, even if they themselves don't believe them... it's hard to explain... but anyway, you can always google it... but the point is even little man likes it... we've only really been twice in a month because it fell over memorial day and then hurricane like weather that I wasn't going to drive in....

So this past Sunday... I had plans of going... Church starts at 11 (mind you its laid back, no crosses, hanging Jesuses or religious figurines or paraphenailia at all very neutral and you can wear cargo shorts or jeans and gays are welcome because ALL are welcome... so hello... that's what caught my attention and they are big on saving the environment, I dunno there's a lot of stuff I don't know yet, and I'm not trying to convert anyone, because I'm not even a UU...I've just been a couple of times...I'm just excited because after 11 years of not going to church because I wasn't welcome because i was gay, or I was tattooed, or I had pink hair, or my gf at the time looked like a man, or so on.... I gave up.. now... none of that matters, and I can have a spiritual experience rather than a religious one and deal with all the political bs... ) but I digress...

So anyway church (the sermon part) was to start at 11... I had the alarm set for 8:30... lil man (who was really disappointed we didn't drive thru the hurricane like rain to go the week before) woke me up at 6:30 to ensure that we were going to church... I assured him we were going and told him to go back to bed (mind you, pepper wasn't even ready to get up and go pee... she even knew it was the weekend and to sleep in...)... 15 minutes later he woke me up to see if it was okay to wear the t-shirt he was holding... yes dude, that shirt is fine, GO TO BED...15 minutes later, "are you sure we are still going?" DUDE!!! SERIOUSLY... I'M GLAD YOU ARE SUPER EXCITED TO GO TO CHURCH.... I NEVER WANTED TO GO TO CHURCH WHEN I WAS YOUR AGE, BUT YOU'VE GOT TO CHILL OUT... GO WATCH SOME CARTOONS OR SOMETHING, LET ME SLEEP A LITTLE BIT LONGER OKAY... PLLLLLEEEEEEASSSSSE!!!!  This continued every 15 minutes until 8 o'clock until he decided to go to his mom's side of the bed and ask her to fix him a bowl of cereal, which I still heard, so I just flung the covers back, went into the kitchen, fixed, took pepper out, came back in laid back down for a few, assured lil man that I would not oversleep (hence didn't really sleep) got up, dressed, sat on the couch with my eyes burning because mind you Jen worked late the night before and I stayed up late with her... and wishing someone would just shoot me at this point... but hell... I had a kid who wanted to go to church... I couldn't be but soooo pissy, you know...

All this stuff is happening... my mom is out of the country in Augsburg, Germany with my grandmother, visiting my Great Grandmother who still lives there (they are all from there)... they aren't supposed to come back until the end of the month so the only communication I have is either facebook or email... not really enough sometimes... you know... then my mom will fly back, just to turn around and drive to FL with my dad and aunt for some reunion with high school folks from Augsburg, Germany that now actually live in the US (guess they were all military kids or something, so I get to dogsit through the fourth of July, not like it will matter since I'll be living there anyway, lol...

I got a little long winded here, but the point was supposed to be that no matter whats going in my life right now, I'm quite lucky to have an amazing woman in my life, a little dude to share with her... a great family to fall back on... a dog that I love... opportunities, even if unforseen at the moment... everything happens for a reason... and in the long run, I really do believe that shit will work itself out and we will be okay ;)

Okay, I feel better now.

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

Personal Tasks...

Jen brought to my attention something that I found disturbing.  She told me that I'm always on her case. That's how she feels anyway... My interpretation is different of course, lol.  You see, Jen is the laid back one in our relationship... the one who isn't bothered if the dishes don't get done immediately, or if things pileup or if a phone call doesn't get made or if something gets put off until the next day... where I am the anal retentive one in our relationship.

Granted I have (in my mind...and I hope she would agree) considerable better) in many areas... such as the cleaning and what not... but when she told me I'm always on her case I had to think back and I could think of some examples where I could see where she feels like that.  Jen, did you pay your property tax; Jen, did you call in lil mans RX refill; Jen did you do this, Jen did you such and such; Jen did you write your resume yet?

Its difficult for me to not feel the need to remind her of things because historically she has not done things. Most recently was taking the rent check... She said she'd take it.  I get home and it's still on the table, so I have to take it which wouldn't be a big deal...but it was already the 2nd... I get there and the office is already closed so when they get it it's the 3rd... okay, still not late (as far as fees go...but just the principle)...but I love her... so hey...

I asked her to call in a refill for lil man a few days before he ran out... I ended up calling it in... It shouldn't matter because we are a team, but I guess it just hurt my feelings because she made me feel like I was trying to be her mom and I wasn't ... It's just how I am... lol. If she's allowed to put stuff off all the time until she gets around to it, then why shouldn't I be allowed to ease my mind by reminding her to do things.

But in reality it doesn't ease my mind... it just bothers me if I ask her or I write it down and it doesn't get down, so really, I shouldn't really be anal about it in the first place you know.  What is it really accomplishing?  I can't do everything myself you know and I'm not saying I want to or that she is inadequate or incapable in anyway... it just caught me off guard is all.

I wrote her resume for her so that I would know it was done and with all the stuff going on with her work, her mind would be at ease as well and perhaps some of the tension would be alleviated off of her... plus, hell I'm the job hopper of the two of us...she's been with the same company for thirteen years..it's not like she has resume writing experience... I don't mind helping her out you know.

I am making it my personal project to work on not only my tone but how I remind her of things so that she doesn't feel like I'm constantly riding her ass. She's an adult. She doesn't need me to tell her what to do. I can't guarantee I'll not say something about the bills we have together, lol... but I'll try... baby steps you know.

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

New water to try...

So I can't drink soda because of the medicines I'm on it makes them taste like liquid ass...and they aren't good for you anyway and I'm not normally one to buy water when you can get it free from the tap....BUT...I have some faves for when you do have to...

Up until now my favorite was always Smartwater and still is...I love that it doesn't taste like bottled water... plus it has electrolytes in it...

But I found this new stuff that is pretty good to if you are into flavored non-carbonated water without added calories and crap...the only thing is like 7.5 g sodium, which isn't bad AND it has vitamins which is a GOOD thing... it's called VBlast... I found it at 7-Eleven, but from what I understand it's supposed to be at a lot of places and according to it's website if you can't find it near you, then you can get it shipped directly to you with free shipping... a case of 12 is 19 something... when I did the math it's like a buck 66... which isn't too bad as long as you dont drink like four a day, lol... I pay $1.79 every now and then for one at 7-11 Which I think is highway robbery for water but I like the way it tastes and it quenches my thirst...and considering my newest medicine keeps me thirsty I'LL TAKE IT. lol...

My only complaint is that I haven't figured out how to drink out of the lid which looks like a sports cap... see you twist the cap and it squirts all the vitamin liquid into the spring water so your spring water turns colors and then it's ready to drink so... I dunno, I'm a little slow in that department... Other than that it's cool.

Check it out though.

Bulb drama

So most of you guys know that I work in the flower bulb industry.  No it isn't my number one passion but it's what I've been doing for the last year and a half... It consumes my life for about 8 months of the year... the majority of that for 80 hours a week, puts a great amount of pressure on my relationship with Jen... I never get to see her, spend time with her or lil man... I don't have a social life... my sleep schedule lacks due to it... my personal life lacks due to it, my everything lacks due to it... then there is a four month window where I don't do shit other than work four days a week, nine hours a day and just chill pretending to work hard... preparing for the upcoming ass raping that is the three peak seasons back to back.

I'd love nothing more than to have an opportunity fall in my lap right now and walk away from this place before July when the season starts again, for many reasons, but just because for one, this isn't my calling, my passion, or anything I really enjoy and most of all because at the end of the day, I don't feel like I've accomplished anything.

The moral of the story is that yesterday there was an all staff meeting called at which point that informed all 22 of us (yeah we are a huge company, lol) that we are no longer owned by the 4 billion dollar Belgium company that we've been owned by forever.  You see we were their only US division. Their focus was fruits, vegetables, packaged foods, etc and huge bulb markets... out measly 22 million dollar operations was barely anything to register on their radar... so they decided to sell us.

So we were bought by one of our US competitors.  The good news is that its a good fit and the we have one less competitor out there.  And that this competitor has a huge presence in the US and in Canada--we haven't even made it into Canada... so for now we are operating as normal, same job functions, same pay, same day to day...hell, no one from the now parent company has even been to our company to see it... they just bought us because they knew our name, they knew what we were known for, they knew our customer base and they knew they wanted us.

I'm happy I still have a job even if it's not my dream one... but I am dreaming of brighter things on my horizon......every day...Until thing I'll keeping doing this stuff... Sweating my ass off in a hot ass warehouse being a red headed step child to the front office personnel who wouldn't dream of doing anything that requires them to get dirty, break a sweat, or lift anything that weighs more than a sheet of paper...

What they don't tell you is that if you get into anything that has to do with Operations you will be thought of as a "grunt" up until the point that you get to the point of say Director of Operations and even then you are still guilty by associations and not on the same level as your White collar colleagues... and that is the honest truth...

I've decided I want more tattoos... a sleeve that stops a little above where a watch would... that way when I'm CEO I can be in a serious meeting, roll my sleeves up and everyone will get a hint or my tats and be like, whoa... she's serious and has a bad ass side, we really don't wanna fuck with this broad...and then if they find out I'm gay on top of that... dude...IT'S GONNA BE ON LIKE DONKEY KONG, lol... Yeah, I have power issues... And... lol.

Thursday, June 2, 2011

Life is good: A picture blog

Mom's dog Earl stretched out on the couch, lol... gotta love it

Me and my motley crew, lol...

Sitting on the beach, chillaxin'...and actually reading a book, gasp...

Mr. Beach Diva

Lil man catches some air...


This dude loves the water...

Sometimes you just need a reminder... LIFE IS GOOD

Lil mans adventure

So lil man caught his first fish this weekend...three of them, weighing three ounces each.  My mom was with him to catch his first one... Santa was with him to catch one or two of the others... mom didn't tell him but she weighed in his fish and since their weren't many kids fishing... he ended up winning the youth portion of the NCBBA (North Carolina Beach Buggy Association) Tournament which totally surprised him and of course made me proud (as well as my mom...who he calls Grangie...he was clever and on his own combined Granny and Angie, lol)... He won a huge trophy for a kid, a rod and reel combo, and a coloring book.  He was stoked.

It was an eventful weekend for him.

Very Exciting Stuff :)

Wednesday, May 25, 2011

intentions

I'm feeling that repetitive thing that happens from time to time. You know where you're stuck on repeat and can't skip to the next track.

Step 1: Wake up
Step 2: Take Pill
Step 3: Pee
4: Take Pepper to Pee
5: Get dressed
6: Brush teeth
7: Wet hair
8: Wash Face
9: Consider putting product in hair...
10: Kiss Jen good bye (she's still sleeping)
11: Make sure Pepper has water
12: Head to work
13: Work for 9 to 12 hours depending on how many hours I need to make up
14: Come home
(Depending on the night of the week)
15: Help lil man with homework
OR
15: Cook Dinner
16: Clean Kitchen
17: Sometimes some laundry
18: Sometimes my times to makes sure lil man gets a bath
19: When lil man crashes then I grab a shower
20. TV time or computer time
21. Most of the time I'm ready to crash by now... Jen and I talk and hang out together
22. Take more pills
23. Bed
24. Repeat

(obviously there are a lot more take pepper to pee/poop trips that are just implied here)

Today my intentions are to do something different. I'm tired of feeling like I'm repeat. I'm tired of worrying all the time about things that are out of my control. I ordered some new books from amazon... they came yesterday... I'm going to grab my fabulous cantaloupe colored plastic adirondack chair from bed bath and beyond that I both about a month ago when my amended tax return check came and go sit outside with pepper in the 94 degree weather and just read. I don't care if I get bit by mosquitos... I have Off for that... I just want to unwind, clear my head and read. I never seem to take time for me anymore.  Then I'm going to have dinner with my family and go about my normal repetitive day, and I'll be fine with that.

My normal saying is, It is what it is. I had never heard the rest of that statement until yesterday when I was on the phone with Jen's mom. She informed me that, "It is what it is, until you make something of it." I'm not sure who said it originally, but it totally puts a new spin on things you know...

FYI, I gave Pepper her first clipper cut the other day... Jen keeps calling her Beetlejuice because she has a big body and little head, but really she looks more like a lab than before... where she just had lab traits, shes cute either way and just did a wonderful job... I was impressed.

My intentions are also to work on revamping my resume and getting it out there. Now that Jen isn't happy in her working world.. there's nothing saying we can't start over wherever we want. I just have to find something that is going to pay for relocation. And a salary large enough to keep us afloat to get us out wherever and buy us enough time until she can find a job of her own, unless its a phenomenal job in which case she can stay at home and do the cooking and cleaning and work part time if she wants to and be there to put lil man on and off the bus from now until he can drive himself.  Who knows.

But with a "it is what it is, until you make something of it" mentality, I'm damn tired of not making something of it... you know. My intentions are good, I just have to follow through with them. And quit this cookie cutter day bullshit.

I'm also going to try and quit talking about what I'd like to see happen because she just seems to be falling through way to much lately, fuck it.

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

30 today

So I'm thirty today... it's just another day really... there is so much other stuff going on in my world really that it's the least of my concerns if  you can believe it.

The house thing didn't work out (It was a blessing in disguise) our credit was fine, but we had a couple of things to clear up before getting the final approval... it really would have just taken a couple of months to have reached that point, but some things have gone down at Jen's work and we may very well be becoming a single family income soon... MINE (the smaller one of course) 

I'm trying to stay positive of course but deep down I'm scared. I'm angry at the fuckers that initiated the stuff they did and really do hope that karma beats the living shit out of them, which I know it will in due time.  I'm not going to go into specifics, out of respect for Jen and because the situation is still in the present and I can't...

Luckily June 30th marks the end of our lease so we just have to pay June rent and be done... we will probably end up moving to the country to my mom's house and stay there for a while...since my sister and niece moved... my mom has two rooms free which will be plenty of space for me, jen, and lil man to stay temporarily... 

Another opportunity is trying to present itself and I really do hope it pans out... It involves a move to another state, a great job for Jen, us being closer to some of Jen's family (but not in colorado...) actually in a portion of new england... which will be a huge adjustment but a longtime dream of mine even though i am not a fan of the cold or snow hell...I am job hunting but if said opportunity pans out I have been offered a job as a nanny (older kids, no younger than second grade, which will also give me the chance to save Jen and I the money on child care for lil man... so time will tell) right now we're too scared out of our minds to know what's real and what's not...

I told the lady that if it does work out I don't want to be called a Nanny, simply on the grounds of it's lame, lol. I want to be called Director of domestic operations... she said she was fine with that there will be an emphasis on acquisitions (grocery shopping) and something else clever that I can't remember that meant getting the kids to school on time...

I'm not opposed to the nanny thing really. It will give me the chance to really focus on my mental health... granted I wont have medical insurance which will suck, but it will be okay... there are ways to work with that... but I can also go back to school for my masters if I decide to and I can seriously work towards becoming a writer like I've always wanted to. Sure I blog all the time... which hell I could do a lot more... but I want to actually write... like a book. And I could do that. I could exercise during the day... I could do all kinds of stuff during the day.

I could be a homemaker. I could have dinner ready everyday when Jen got home... how cute would that be.  I dunno there are a lot of coulds...but even more what ifs... I know that no matter what life throws at us right now we'll figure it out and work through it... that's just how we are... we're tough and we have each others back. We're dreamers as well and we have good intentions. I'd like to see a lot of things happen but I'm not going to lose sight of reality in the process you know...

For now, I've gotta be Jen's rock... or better yet her boulder. I won't let her buy me a birthday present because obviously money is potentially going to be very tight very very soon. But even so, we aren't going to stop living. This weekend has been planned since last year... we are going to hatteras, NC and we are using any birthday money to get down there... if she still has a job by this weekend then she'll go down after me and lil man... we are going from Friday to Monday... she'll probably go from Saturday night to Monday ... the point is... we are going to go, relax and unwind... leave our worries behind, stick our feet in the sand and let the waves wash away our unrest...

Everything happens for a reason.

"Problems are opportunities with thorns on them." - Hugh Miller

Friday, May 13, 2011

Cross your fingers

Jen and I have been on the hunt for a place to live as our lease is up at the end of June. Well you see I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that I'd like to look into buying a house and Jen was totally on board.  So cross your fingers. we don't know that we'll even be approved for a loan, but we're at the point of hell don't know until you try. I'm excited and scared all at the same time.

I have a couple of houses in mind but I refuse to go and look at the houses without knowing whether or not we can buy it or not because I'll just be broken hearted you know.  Worse case scenario, we just go back to looking for places to rent.

Lol. My aunt is an agent and is helping us. She hasn't acknowledged Jen and my engagement and has made several mentions that we should talk to the loan officer of the legalities of what to do if three years down the road Jen and I arent together, what to do, since we'll both own the house... um hello... it'd be the same if it happened to a hetero couple... she kills me with this crap... She's my dads brothers wife and has never accepted my being gay, but hey, she's helping me out so far so like I said, let's just keep our fingers crossed.

I even looked into my 401k which doesn't have much in it for money down I feel like such a grown up right now with it beign only a couple of weeks before my thirtieth birthday... folks if this works out in Jen and my favor, all I gotta say is that Chad gets to pick out the color to paint his room, Pepper is getting a new bandana and a new pet bed, Jen will get a desk and I'M GETTING A TOOL BELT, lol...

my bubble was burst

I got the urge to bake and found myself making a peach crisp.  I realized in the process that I didn't even know if I like peach crisp or not or I was in the mood to eat peach crisp...I just wanted to bake.  Well... in the process... lil man came in the kitchen and was telling me about this show that he likes called Hole in the Wall... where basically people have to fit through randomly shaped holes in walls.  He informed me that if we went on the show that I wouldn't fit through the holes which he didn't mean as awful as it sounds i'm sure but I was having an overly sensitive moment and I could have cried right there. I finished making my peach crisp and didn't eat it, so I still dont know if I like it or not lol...

Later my sister text me to let me know that she hit her fifty pound weight loss... we started weight watchers at the same time... she stuck with it (I only did it for her and was never really into it...) and then she moved... she likes it because she drops weight quicker than me and then she can rub it in my face which bums me out even more which in turns makes me just want to eat more...

boo. Yep. My bubble was for sure burst. Fuck it.  I haven't convinced myself to go to the gym yet. I'm not on a magically refreshing diet. I dont have just pounds falling off me... but you know what in the long run it'll just work it self out.

Thursday, May 12, 2011

a change

As always it came time for a change. I'm surprised it took as long as it did, but I've learned to not rush these things and to just let things play out naturally... I know myself well enough to know that it will eventually happen. This time it came in the form of hair color. Quite common for me and QUITE overdue. I've gone months looking rather drab and well normal. And let's face it... anyone who knows me or hell even just "read" me, knows that "normal" for me, is just a setting on the washing machine and nothing more.  Today's color of choice MAGENTA. No two tone fabulousness... a simple LOUD blinding when the sun hits it permanent Magenta... and I love it. I feel quite revived with it like this. I also went out last night and got my nose pierced... something that has been on my agenda for months and months but something I've been putting off ... well it's done.

I went to bath and body works and bought a new smell and used the gift card my brother had given me for christmas toward it... I opted for Butterfly flowers I've never been one to use body washes because I felt it was ridiculous considering I would have to use something different on my cooter... I never liked the thought of something perfuming mixing with naturally scented coother and just having some weird concocted smell happening so it meant extra work in the shower and I just wasnt willing to do that... but since a couple of months ago since the crotch doctor made me swear off washing princess high maintenance hooha with soap I have ventured to sometimes using body washes and even treating myself to one of those little colorful poof things which apparently I deprived myself from before... WHAT? Yes, I have theories on those too... like they shouldn't be used in butt cracks... don't fucking judge me... you don't know me... but anyway, I digress... I also don't wear thongs because I feel like the size of my underwear should be be proportionate to the size of my ass... but with that being said, no I don't go to Omar the tent maker to get my drawls made either... I still wear sexy drawls (I hate the word panties, I actually despise it and think it should be removed from the human vocabulary, it and the word twat, but I'm sure there are more important battles to be fought right now)... and I'm getting totally off subject right now damn you...

So anyway, I have awesome hair and a nose ring again (I used to have it done back in the day, along with an eyebrow ring, my monroe pierced, my  ninnies pierced, and my tongue.... though not necessarily all at the same time... plus I'm at about 14 or 15 tattoos now... which I need more money for...Id eventually like to have a sleeve... lol... I'm going to be a CEO of a Fortune 500 company with at least one tattooed sleeve, lol.)

But anyway...where was I even going with this blog.... I dont remember...

I need to go tomorrow on my day off and renew my drivers license since I turn 30 towards the end of this month... it's about that time... lol. For now... I've been working on finding a place for Jen and I to live since our lease is up at the end of June... Lil man leaves in mid-June to visit jen's parents for a while since his dad is in Iraq he gets the rare opportunity to spend time with them rather than with his dad, and then he'll spend a 2 weeks with this step mom and then a couple weeks with his dad and step mom while his 2nd sibling (his dads 3rd kid incl. lil man is born...are you able to follow all that...)... its complicated... Im just glad he gets time with his grandparents and he's stoked about it and then he'll be back in time to start school... second grade...


Woohoo...it's my friday...I'm going to watch a movie at my desk, lol...

Monday, May 2, 2011

redneck

I'm a redneck. No, literally--I got sunburned this weekend while having a yard sale... my neck is fried and so are my ears and the right side of my face.... funny how my glow in the dark white ass neglected to put sunscreen on such prime areas.

I'm bummed. My sister moved. It was her idea to have the yard sale. She called me on Monday and told me that if I hadn't taken time off of work to not do it because she'd be moving on Friday. So yeah, she's gone and she took my beautiful niece with her. I didn't even get to say goodbye. I would have, but I was driving Jen's vehicle so I could transport tables for said yard sale which I opted to not cancel because I wanted to make a few bucks and I ended up putting 70 dollars in said vehicle, RIDICULOUS over the course of the week. 

I dunno I just hope she's happy and everything works out for her.

For now, I'm just going to pout, it's just what I feel like doing.  I have four minutes left of my work day, I'm thinking if I walk real slow, maybe swing by the bathroom and what not by the time I get to the time clock it will be time to go.

I have a lot on my mind these days, but I think it's just better if I keep it to myself rather than suck the life out of whomever may choose to read my pointless rants.

Hope you're having a swell day.

Monday, April 25, 2011

I survived and she said yes :)

I survived my week in Colorado, though the last couple of days did get a little big sketchy...only because I was on edge and getting a wee bit stir crazy. I mean hell, I went an entire week without saying the work fuck aloud or any other cus word for that matter and I was serious feeling the effects... HARSH.

Jen's family is nothing like mine, which is not a bad thing, and I respect her and her family so I didn't go out there like my normal sailor over the top super gay self... I toned it down A LOT.  It nearly killed me.  Her mother would later comment that she missed having me around because I treat her with respect and actually listen with respect and talk to her... and would tell me to call her whenever I need to talk and we even worked through a huge obstacle where I disappointed her as well as her daughter a while ago... so I made huge progress with "mom"... her mom is still very intimidating and has a very serious poker face... and I guess I always considered her more difficult to talk to due to the age difference between her and my mother perhaps...she's in her mid or late sixties where my mom is only 50... but I digress... I love her mom to death... Her dad is quiet and easily unnerved at something as simple as a tampax commercial so I tried to not slip up too much around him...

I met her sister and her brother ... her sister fell in love with me almost instantly... she thought I was hilarious and at one point mentioned wanting to date me (though was only kidding because she doesn't swing that way... plus she isn't my type and has way too many kids, lol)... all her kids, Jen's nephews and niece love me, the youngest was the hardest to crack, but by the end of the week was on board and thought I was cool... he would have liked me more if I was into video games...which Im not. That's Jen's thing.  Her brother I only met and hung out with for a day, and he's a tough cookie...the oldest out of all of them, in his forties I think, I dunno for sure.... but very stoic and poker facish, but I think I won him over as well...if not, oh well, I think I did well enough.  My first full day there was a cook out where I met the extended family (talk about overwhelming)... Jen had asked her mom how to introduce me and for a second I was almost going to have to be the special friend which I didn't agree with at all, but I wasn't going to show my ass the first day there, you know... that would have made for an awkward week.... I told jen I didn't agree with it and she talked to her mom again who then said, not to lie, but to not disrespect her dad (because it was all his family) and for us to not make out and be groping on each other in front of everyone (which hello, we don't do anyway, in public)...  so I was introduced to her family (some of which hadn't seen her since her wedding as her partner...) they didn't seem very phased by it.  Overall it went well.

I had planned for a long while before this trip to ask Jen to marry me.  I had ordered the rings, but had been having problems with my mail and wasn't sure they'd make it in time.  Luckily, they came while Jen was in Vegas for work.  I told my mom and dad, sister and brother and best friend what my intentions were and they supported me whole heartedly... all of them love Jen... they didn't give me any crap, no smart ass comments, nothing, just one hundred percent support.  The trick was going to be getting Jen alone to pop the question and carry out my plan.

I had every intention of asking her mom prior to doing it, but even when I was alone with her mom working things out with her and just having talks with her or eating the best mexican food EVER made (Jen's mom is a wicked great cook)... (jen is hispanic if i neglected to mention that, she just looks white, lol) (we're talking, tostadas, enchiladas, salsa, patitza, sopapilla, etc), I chickened out...

So anyway, Thursday rolls around and I had been trying to get Jen to go to the movies with me all week...every single time she was just like, ugh, we'll just go tomorrow and we'd do something with her niece and nephews...I wouldn't push the issues because I wanted her to spend time with her family, that was the whole reason we were in Colorado to begin with.  I called my mom that morning and she was like, "so did you ask her yet" I laughed and was like, hmph, yeah, haven't had her to myself yet, so no, but I'll call you..."  Mind you, I took my scissors to do hair as a way to bribe people into liking me while I'm out there, just in case, lol... On my vacation I did, a bang trim, foiled in highlights, a blowdry and style, an eyebrow and eyelash tint, two male hair cuts (a faux hawk like mine and one like the new zack efron) and a bank trim), plus a few straightenings and a hairstyles, lol... by thursday I proclaimed NO MORE... cuz I did them all for free, which I didn't mind because I do the same type of crap for my family...it's just how the life of a cosmetologist goes, lol. But I digress...

So we went to see Limitless, which I felt was fitting for my plan because as lame as it may sound to the normal person I feel that Jen and my relationship is just that, Limitless...

We got a drink to share and a bucket of popcorn.  My plan was to drop the ring (which i had strategically placed in a miniature plastic baggy down into the popcorn while we were eating it, have her find it freak out and keep it moving.  Well in reality, neither of us really eat much popcorn so I pulled the ring out of my pocket nonchalantly... had it balled up in the palm of my hand, used said hand to eat a couple of pieces of popcorn and using my peripherals, waited until I knew she was really into the last trailer and laid the baggy down on top of the popcorn... it took a few minutes to realize it was there... and then she switched into general manager of a movie theatre mode.  I could see the wheels turning.  She would later tell me she thought that  a piece of the popper fell into the popcorn while the girl was scooping it and the girl was going to get into trouble, but no popper pieces are that round... blah blah blah, she said, "what is this..." I said, You know what that is.... Her wheels were still turning...

After what felt like forever I leaned and and asked her if she'd spend the rest of her life with me, to which she chuckled, because it then dawned on her and she smiled and she said yes... I pulled the ring out of the bag and put it on her finger.  As the movie started she said, I don't even want to see a movie now.

I told her to sit her ass back and enjoy the movie because it took me flying five states away to get her to come see a movie with me, we were going to watch this freaking movie lol.

You see Jen manages a movie theatre and works on the most common date nights... I have off the most common date nights and normally shes not in the mood to see a move in a theatre, especially hers where we can see them for free when she does want to see them and moves are expensive otherwise so its a vicious cycle... so i watch lil man on the weekends while she works and if I see a movie it's generally animated...

The reason I wanted to do the whole movie proposal is because the first time I really met her, met her was in her theatre... she had super long hair then and she was soo nervous but still managed to be power tripping which I love about her when I go to her job, lol...

I dunno... it's hard to explain, but she said yes, her family, though not super emotional folks are happy about it and for us... she's happy about it and I'M FREAKING ECSTATIC. lol. I told my sister who like like YAY, my brother was like, woohoo, my mom was like AWESOME, my dad was like WORD... etc... it was just good vibes all around... we havent made plans and aren't rushing that aspect of things...hell we don't even live in a state where its legal.  DC is the closest place for all of that...

So anyway, like I said, I survived and she said yes...now if I can just get over this jet lag we'll be okay.

Tuesday, April 12, 2011

a day off

I took the day off today. I didn't accomplish a whole lot, but put lil man on the bus and went back to bed. Went to the gym and got my picture taken for my ID and worked out with my sister who went as my guest. I like that gym...it's a Planet Fitness, so it's a "Judgement Free Zone" that's a load of crap in itself, but I still went in and worked out and didn't die, so that's a plus. 

I skipped my weight watchers meeting tonight because I need all my 12 dollars I have for my upcoming trip, lol. (Which is how I'm justifying the nine I spent for mine and lil man's trip to McDonalds for dinner because I wanted to let Pepper take a car ride and I was too lazy to cook after my afternoon nap)

The washer was fixed this afternoon... a whole bunch of random crap was sucked up the drain which is why it wouldnt drain, a quarter, a stylus for a nintendo ds, some bobby pin like apparatus... who knows what else he found stuck up in there... unfortunately when pulling it all out, he ripped the drain thing so we have a smal leak, but we can at least use the washer until the part comes in.  We also have our two screens on order. I sent the email last night becuase 2 our 3 screens are bent like someone tried to break in at some point (before we moved in because it's been like for a while, but was never an issue because the weather wasn't nice enough to open the windows and since we moved in July we had the a/c running--haha...since Jen is from CO... she moved out here and let's just say the humidity puts her over the edge and normally I cant talk her into have the windows open, but the weather/humidity havent been bad yet, just the pollen has...

I took Pepper for her evening walk which she oh so enjoys and it helps her sleep... speaking of pepper, her feet smell like popcorn.

im out.

horrors of a high maintenance hoo-ha

so I'm not afraid to overshare when it comes to my hoo-ha and quite frankly I feel the need to overshare right now.

You see, I've decided to name my vagina Helga.  Yes, Helga of all things. Helga, I picture her being part German, having a unabrow, being the decendant of vikings somewhere in her bloodline... and granted i'm sure this is painting no pretty picture of my vagina and well quite frankly I don't care what type of friggin mental image you have of my hoo ha since the only image that matters is my real life view (and feel) and Jen's take on the matter and she has not complaints... but I digress, I'm sure there's a point coming somewhere along the way here... I think helga would be the type to bully people on the playground and steal lunch money too...but I don't know that thats either here nor there....

I've had a long history of frequent yeast infections. Okay stop. Side note. Not like the icky immediate mental picture that may have popped in your head with the whole cottage cheese thing happening... hell it's barely even an itch... I'm an exception to the rule... but I will tell you, I refuse, REFUSE to eat Ricotta cheese on the grounds of my lifestyle and what the fuck it looks like... I also don't eat cottage cheese, but that's a texture thing and i just don't like how it feels in my mouth, may also be subconsciously related, i dunno.

So anyway, back to my five star bakery vagina... So anyway, the crotch doc always tests for diabetes because of the frequency of these infections and always NOTHING... no explanation.  Well a little over a month ago I went to the crotch doc for the worst situation I've ever faced in my entire life. I thought for sure I was going to die from vaginal death.  My hoo-ha was irritated and HATED me. and felt like I had take a box cutter to it and just sliced it up. I couldnt touch it. It hurt to wipe, it hurt to pee, and if jen even thought of trying to get me in the mood I threatened to kill her.  It hurt to wash it and I forgot one night and sprayed it with the spray nozzle we have in the shower and it brought tears to my eyes and my knees buckled and I thought for sure i'd pass out in the shower... took my breath away even.

I thought for sure the doc was going to tell me that something was seriously wrong with me... I was thinking karma was coming to get me for sure... I was preparing for the worst.  She gets down there and takes a look at it and saw the irritation and verified the usual culprit...yeast.  (yeah, i know, who the hell blogs about this shit... hey you know what I DO... SO WHATEVER).... Mind you, I had just been treated for one less than three months earlier.... her focus was less on the inside and more on the outside and she was like omg, you've got sores....

SORES!!! Okay, she apologized, sores is a bad word to use, not sores, like herpes sores (she chuckled...) really lady...not funny, but like TINY LITTLE PAPER CUTS .... tiny little paper cuts on my hoo-ha... no fucking wonder it hurts for air to hit it....

It turns out that i have very fair skin down there and that soap just doesn't agree with it. Soap is washing away all the good bacteria, apparently a very common thing for a lot of women... So from this point the conversation went like this....:

Dr: You have very fair skin, i'll prescribe you a pill for the yeast and a cream to help with the irritation to get things back under control, you'll feel 300 percent better by sunday (this was on a friday)

me: awesome

dr: and stop using soap

Me: Okay, what do i use instead of soap

dr: nothing, just water

Me: laughing, no really, what do i use instead of soap (expecting ashton kutcher to come jumping out from behind the poster of the female reproductive system at any moment)--she couldn't be fucking serious

dr: You don't wash your eye balls do you, you don't wash the inside of your nose do you?

me: no, they arent MY VAGINA...

dr: chuckles... wash the rest of your body, the soap will run through and over it, it will work out, trust me

me: do you ever have dinner parties?

dr: occassionally, why?

me: would you serve your guests off of dirty plates?

dr: no, why?

me: did I mention I'm a lesbian?

dr: laughs... you'll be fine, trust me, it will work out

me: I'll try it but I'm just picturing a clambake, I'm guessing sleeping with no undies is still a good idea

Dr; yes and when you get out of the shower when you blow dry your hair, blow dry that hair too

Me: (I had nothing clever to say here, considering if you see how short my hair is, it's fucking obvious, i'm not blowdrying shit...)... not to mention who the fuck has time to blow dry pubes... i'd shave the bitches completley off, but i'm just not into that... i like some hair... not like wooly mammoth thick, but not like kindergarten either....

Anyway...you see where this is headed.... I tried not using soap on my hoo-ha for like three days... and just felt gamey... I couldnt do it... except now... a month later I'm in a similar predicament... with an irriated hooha so I'ma have to find a compromise, I'm looking for suggestions. Nonsoap, but something suggestions. I need to feel like my vagina is clean I WORK IN A DAMN WAREHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND SWEAT ALL DAY I'm not just trying to splash water on her and call it a day you know...but soap pisses her off...

HELP. HELP. HELGA NEEDS HELP.

Monday, April 11, 2011

random thoughts

i need to pluck my chin hairs, or at least shave the bitches cuz I'm LAZY.

jen landed safely in Vegas about 630 pm my time... so she'll be back on Friday.... then we pack up and fly out on Saturday to Fly out to Colorado to see her family, which she hasn't seen in over 2 years... whom I've met once when we first started dating :) This will be the first time in long time that her parents will have all her their kids together so it's kind of a big deal.

we were planning a trip down to El Paso, Tx... she has friends there from a previous life, lol... thats where lil man's from... and where she used to work... but due to the price of gas to drive from CO to TX...it's going to depend on whether or not she wins some money while in Vegas for her work thing or not. (Crossing my fingers...cuz I'd like to be able to see that part of her life...but if not this trip, then I'll get this chance eventually)...

I took lil man with me to work after getting him off the work today.... he got to "play with the forklift", by play I mean sit on with the key not in it... he wanted to drive it and I wouldn't let him... he didn't understand why you had to have a license or anything having to do with OSHA... he just wanted to know what the beach had to do with it, lol.

I love, repeat LOVE Froot Loops with Marsh Mallows.

I'm exhausted and need a hot bath. My eyes are itchy as hell from the pollen out here... everyone's cars are coated in yellow.

i'm happy overall, I just gotta get my eating in check. i havent been counting points with weight watchers and i'm skipping tomorrows meeting because i just refuse to spend 12 bucks i dont have for a gain... I mean hell, there's a whole lot of adjustments going on right now in my world.  I just wish it was as easy as flipping a switch like switch on and I was addicted to eating healthy and working out. how do people do it.  I've got 100 pounds to lose (not over night obviously) but I just can't wrap my head around how people just change their whole lifestyle like it's nothing... ya' know... it's crazy.

Me and Jen (most recent)
Pepper sleeping on the couch, yes that's black duct tape on the couch... that's how we roll, lol.
Jen and Pepper....

Jen and my niece Charley, now over 18 months old

I think that's it for now.

Tuesday, April 5, 2011

speechless?

It's funny to me really.  The transition. I feel almost at a loss for words...but really I just don't have anything to say and to be honest I feel there is a difference.

You see, I've been trying to get my mind right. For my sake  and the sanity of those that love and care for me, I began this process well over a month ago... this process for me means medication.  Lol. I've mentioned it before and I while I try to segregate specific discussions to my other blog... I feel this is relevant.  The transition I am referring to is that of becoming "balanced."

You see the me that most everyone knows, is NOT medicated.  And 75 percent of the time I can keep myself in check, only falling off the wagon and doing dumb shit a small portion of the time and doing REALLY dumb shit that I can justify in my head at any given moment an even smaller portion of the time... On a scale of 1 to 10 I spend most of my time in a 5-6 range, my story telling and fun self ventures as high up to an 8 without getting out of hand while my sad self gets down to a 3 before I feel like hurting myself....

The point of this whole numbers game is now that I'm "balanced or at least in the process... I'm getting nothing but weird feed back from EVERYONE.  I feel like such an outsider. I feel alienated from everyone which in part has made it so difficult to stay on medication in the first place. The only fucking fun part of being bipolar is that it makes you more animated when it comes time to tell a story you know...

When you no longer jump from a 3 to a 7 to a 5 to a 6 to a 4 to a so on... and you consistently stay at a 5 to a 5.5... everyone spends there time asking you shit like, "what's wrong?", "what's on your mind?" "You don't have much to say..." etc etc etc... "Why are you being so short with me?" Um, I didn't say anything, how am I being short with you...

Am I at a loss for words or do I just have nothing to say? Doesn't mean I'm not engaged and certainly doesn't make me unhappy....

This is just a process... a transition... it doesnt happen overnight and it's gonna take some getting used to.  Hell lets face it... I've never really stuck with this whole medication thing... I've gotta stick with it sometime and since I've got a second chance with the woman I love the only way I know i'm gonna NOT fuck it up is to definitely stay medicated, avoid super manic modes which lead to me doing really impulsive out of the ordinary shit that i would typically SO TOTALLY NOT FUCKING NORMALLY TYPICALLY DO.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

A story about a woman

I want to tell a story.  A story about a wonderful woman.  Her name is Jen and well she hasn't been mentioned as much as she used to be in my blogs for several reasons. The most obviously being that we aren't actually together.

Let me tell you about Jen. Jen and I dated for over two years before we broke up (my doing), I had intended on asking her to spend the rest of her life with me on our second anniversary...had it mapped out in my head how I would do it and what not... but to keep it simply--things got complicated.  We grew apart, had expectations of the other that neither of us could fulfill and what not.  I broke Jen's heart and was sure that Jen would eventually get to the point that she would want nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Well it turns out that Jen is the exception to every person I have ever dated in my entire life.  You see Jen forgave me despite how brutally I ripped her heart out. Jen never stopped loving me, even when I stopped loving myself.  We don't live together right now, and we both agree that it's for the best... you see she has things she needs to work on for herself and I have plenty of my own demons to harness... but we are both confident that once we fix ourselves as individuals, we have a chance to have an even more intense relationship that we did the first go round.

When I told Jen in shame that I was seeing a therapist and eventually shared with her about seeing a psychiatrist to get my bipolar disorder under control, she did research to try and help, and to be there for me. 

We always had incredible sex, but over the last few months, with all the walls coming down and a "nothing to lose attitude" I've seen a dirtier, kinkier side to her which is incredible in my opinion and I've opened up a great deal more myself... but this blog isn't to focus on our sex life....

It is for me to share with you details about a woman who I can once again say is phenomenal.  I say once again, because for a while I lost sight of why she was/is important to me. For a while I got lost in the darkness that is my "low" I didn't even see many of the red flags that i normally do until it was entirely too late.  I can't blame it all on being bipolar... I have to blame it on not communicating with my partner... among other issues.

But back to the point.  The most recent example of why I love this woman and hope to eventually spend the rest of my life with is because she had arranged with a friend of the family to drive 12 hours through the night to be with me at my grandpa's funeral tomorrow.  She was going to go to the funeral, turn around grab a bite to eat and then drive another 12 hours through the night in order to make it to work and get the family friend back to his wife who is in the hospital.

Unfortunately, the family friend (Santa, whose hair I do) has to have another procedure or blood transfusioin early am thursday so he won't be able to carpool with Jen.  I cried this morning as I made Jen promise she wouldn't make the trip on her own. You see the anxiety of her coming with lack of sleep was already killing me...but the thought of her doing it ALONE and on unfamiliar roads...well I'm already dealing with my grandpa and uncle dying this week, I can't handle losing her too....I just don't have it in me.

The intention she had was great however and what a wonderful gesture... I think the gesture is enough.  That and knowing that when I get home at the end of this week that I can pack a bag, go to her apartment, wait for her to get off of work and then lay in her arms and cry my ass off if necessary.  I love her.

Jen--I'm sorry for everything I've done, you didn't deserve any of it.

the hardest part

The hardest part of dealing with the death of my grandfather has been discovered recently...the people.  Yes the gobs of family members coming in from out of state and stopping by my grandmothers house before going to their hotel....

At my grandmothers house on a normal day there is me, my sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, 3 cousins, and my uncles ex wife, oh and my sister in law and three dogs. A LOT OF FOLKS. Then more people come, they are loud, they drink whiskey, get louder, and I retreat. I just want to hide. I want to go home and pretend like none of this whole death thing even happened. 

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry, for no apparent reason... probably pms, who knows.  Something else that has been bothering me is my mom. Granted my mom lost her dad where I lost my grandfather so I have to imagine it's harder for her on a totally different level.  But it's hard not having her be there for me. I can't be selfish because this is a time that I need to be there for her...but I still feel justified in my feelings being hurt.

You see earlier today I was trying to tell her a story and started to get upset. When I get upset I pause in my story telling to get my mind right and avoid crying and then proceed today...she just got agitated with this as if i was wasting her time and she didnt care anyway... she's been doing this alot lately... I just feel out of sorts with her and I cant help but be sensitive right now.

She got upset and retreated to the back bedroom. I went and gave her a hug and she told me that she was happy she had just seen him a couple of months prior to his passing and how she didn't expect to lose him so quickly.... for her it comes and goes in waves and it breaks my heart to see her cry.  At the same time I'm trying to not cry because I don't want to bother anyone else with my feelings. I guess for now, I'll just blog. I'll make it through the funeral tomorrow, go home on Thursday, and then turn around and potentially drive down to NC to attend my uncles funeral. It's becoming more and more real everyday...that I do not like.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

On this day

I'm sure I'll blog more another day, but I just wanted to share that today my grandfather passed away.  He was seventy years old.  Before today I never knew he had been awarded a Bronze Star... thought that was pretty cool.

Also today, My Uncle Gene passed away.  The two departed within a half hour of each other.

A lot to take in and process... I know that they are both in a better place, but still I'm selfish and would have much rather kept them here.

For now, I need sleep.  The 12 hour drive to get here wore me out.

Tuesday, February 22, 2011

Mixed Emotions

This has been an interesting week so far and it's only Tuesday. I'm going recap in chronocological order, not because any one event is more important the next, but because I'm so scatterbrained right now I'd never get it all out otherwise.

Monday was an excellent day--and for a Monday, well in my world, that is completely freaking unheard of. I got to work, was actually working when my bossed called my cell phone and said he needed to see me upstairs in the office. I made a wise crack about, ugh...what'd i do this time...but went anyway.

Turns out I'm getting a raise--SWEET. My evaluation isn't complete yet, but they know I did at least mediocre and since the increase is effective 1/1/11... they only want to have to back pay so much... so this week when I get paid, I'll have a lil extra cash....NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME....

Monday afternoon brought some less than awesome news with my Grandfather going into the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack.  This morning my mom and aunt left for Kentucky to be with him (their dad) and to be there for my grandmother.  The update at that point was that he had had a good night, but was fighting the tubes so he was sedated and still critical, and yes it had been a heart attack, plus he has pneumonia.

This evening I went to my weight watchers meeting. I had joined a week ago with my sister and tonight was my first weigh in to see if I had lost anything.  My sister stuck with the plan to a T an even worked out some... I however did baby steps and cut out fast food this week and my favorite of all things PEPSI... I made better decisions overall, but didn't track my points nearly as well as I should have.  Moment of truth, my sister gets on the scale (I held Charley, since mom was out of town, we had no babysitter)... she was down 12.8 pounds IN ONE WEEK. Freaking spectacular.... I was super proud (she's a lil more motivated than me in the sense that she vowed she wasn't having sex again until she lost 50 pounds, she's now 20 pounds into her goal... and fiending..funny the things that motivate folks. I thought of considering the same approach but decided that was dumb considering I just don't have enough hours in the day to constitute the number of times I'd have to rub one out in addition to what I already do...

I got on the scale and .... lost 5.6 pounds this week. For me, THAT'S AMAZING. I'm rather proud... I'm thinking of starting a weightloss blog so that I can blog about all this boring shit there and not force everyone who reads my blog to read stuff like that... I dunno.  The weight watcher meeting ran long so there was no celebration portion...normally you get recognized for such things as, 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 5 pecent or 10 percent of your body weight lost... BUT NOOOOOOO!!!! Not this week... I was bummed... I'ma have to buy my sister a sticker because I think she did a phenomenal job.

On the way out of the meeting my sister called my mom because she knew that we'd get a celebration from her and she'd say YAYYYYYYYY!!!! for us and boost our egos... however when I saw my sister's eyes watering up I knew that that wasn't going to be the case.

It turns out that my grandfather's heart isn't strong enough to pump and fight the pnuemonia... and since he needs the oxygen to breathe...it's really the machines keeping him alive. The lung specialist is due in the morning at which point my mom will be able to call me and give me an update and let me know what's up... and if I'm going to be making a trip to KY.  This of course makes me very very sad.

It also brings me to another issue that i"m having that I have created another blog for, but have not posted to yet... You see I'm bipolar. I've denied it for years and even played it off as a hormone imbalance or just being a Gemini...but not the case. I just hate feeling crazy.  I'm not crazy, just CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED, not my fucking fault, doesn't make me any less of a wonderful freaking person you know.  But i digress.

In 2004, my other Grandfather passed away... I had been in a similar state of mind where I am now prior to this happening and was crushed when he died.  (breif story, I'm a rapid cycling bipolar person which means my moods change frequently... but every 2 to 3 years I hit a point where I get extremely depressed and since I never stay on medication, this becomes extremely difficult to deal with... I'll go into detail later on on my other blog, but for now, just trying to have this all make sense.)....

Well I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist yesterday but the doctor was sick, so she rescheduled. The point of the visit was to get back on medication and stop fucking up my life royally, (i.e. my relationship, potentially my job, my everything in general.... I do this self sabotage thing whenever something is going really well in my life, a whole other blog in itself)... Something came up at work last week and I tried to reschedule the appointment and the next available appointment wasn't until March 17...NO GOOD.   So anyway, I guess that since the doc was sick, they were more willing to get me in in a timely fashion so my appointment was bumped up to Wednesday (tomorrow)...

By this point I'm sure you are wondering why the fuck this is even relevant.... Well I found myself riding in the passenger seat headed home from weight watchers when I just started crying. My sister had just stopped crying from the news of our grandpa, and she asked me if I was alright... I cried/laughed and said, "you know, it's fucked up, but all I can think is THANK GOD I DIDN'T RESCHEDULE MY DR APPT TO THE 17TH OF MARCH... I WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING MADE IT" I mean hell, it was a month after my grandpa died that I voluntarily committed myself for a couple of days to the nut house because after a talk with my therapist at the time she gave me the option of doing it on my own or her doing it and then i wouldn't have a say as to when the hell I was getting out.  (at the time I was suicidal and my meds weren't working)...

She chuckled and then reminded me about how I had put chapstick on my grandpa because he lips were really chapped, softlips brand to be specific, and then he died. It was an on going joke for awhile after I broke down and said, "my softlips killed grandpa" because while it was a coincidence, it was two minutes after that that he took his last breath.  It was a lot to deal with considering how depressed I had been in the days leading up to this.

I guess it's selfish to a point.... but at the same time, I know who uncontrollable this whole bipolar thing is...it's ridiculous really. I'm not nearly as depressed as I have been in the past, and I'm not suicidal, but I have just spent the past few months making myself ill somehow... because all the shit I've had done and tests run by doctors the best they can come up with is acid reflux...well when i got the news about grandpa tonight that same sharp pain I had been getting came back after being gone for weeks... Oh yeah, ANXIETY... I forgot we used to be friends....

THe moral of the story is that I'm dealing with a lot right now, not to say that I'm the only one with issues by any means... I just need to vent. I'm going to my psychiatrist appt tomorrow and going to take the next step in getting back on meds and controlling this beast called bipolar and actually sticking to the regimen... i'm working with my therapist to actually follow through with this and stya on the meds.... I found out I was bipolar when I was about 19 or 20... here I am about to be 30, which hello i sthe new 20 and it's like I'm all the way back at the beginning...I gotta get it together.

I checked my facebook tonight and got confirmation that my uncle Gene is also on his last leg.  My uncle Gene is my Aunt Tom's husband.  I was named after my Aunt Tom(my), Aunt Tom Being my great aunt and my grandpa who is in the hospital right now's sister.... Hospice is saying he's got 2 to 3 days to live.  I can't go to NC to be with him and I havent seen him in over 3 years, despite loving them very much something always came up... I never made time.... If i have to choose, I have to pick KY to do the grandpa thing....

i have a lot on my mind in addition to all of that. I'm trying to paint because I had this awesome idea in my head but it's not working out real well do to my lack of focus and over perfection self... I can't get it to look the way I see it in my head. I've been spending some time with Jen and I remember more and more everyday that I love her. I regret fucking things up the way I did, but can't undo the past.  She mentioned the other day that the reason she had had such a rough valentine's day was because she had planeed in october to ask me to spend the rest of my life with her on Valentines day which broke my heart (though I know that wasn't her intention, she ewas just venting and I was just listening...)  That's also when I said, it wouldn't have mattered because I had planned since August to ask her in November (which passed and started to be the point where I started fucking shit up royally)...

I can't be lame and blame everything that went down on being bipolar, but anyone who really knows me will vouch for shit like this.... to a point.  Jen has been doing a lot of research on thewhole thing and she even admitted that a lot of shit makes sense now.  (about me in general, not necessarily a specific event)... When I first started dating Jen I was medicated, but I felt so good when I was around her I didn't feel like I needed it...I fell hard and I fell fast for her... she lit up my world and made me smile non stop like I just taken some serious bong hits or something...permagrin all the time...I quit the meds... I even rmember telling her what to expect when I quit them cold turkey which is what I always did... and she supported me because it's what I wanted (nowadays though I think if I were to tell her I was going to quit my meds she'd put her foot down and probably threaten my life if I did...)  I hate how the meds make me gain weight.... make it impossible to orgasm, etc etc etc.

When I go to my appointment tomorrow trust and believe I will be telling the doctor that if I'm going to stay on some fucking medication I've gotta be able to cum and I don't want to get any fatter... I'm going to say it just like that. I don't sugar coat the shit AT ALL.