Bzzzzzzzzed.

Jen knew something was up when I met her in the driveway when she got off of work Saturday night and told her to set her stuff down, "let's chill out here for a bit" while I unlocked my car and grabbed my emergency pack of smokes (Marlboro Smooths)... She Looked at me questionably with eyebrow raised a look that translated to, WTF? is wrong with you, you never wanna hang outside in the dark and you like NEVER smoke...

Hehe... I shared a cigarette with her and sat on the hood of my car, happy go lucky, chatty Cathy style... just full of randomness... She wasn't used to me in this manner.  I admitted that I had misjudged when she'd get to my house and started drinking too early, lol.  While I had bought my customized six pack on Friday, I didn't drink it until Saturday... I saved the Purple Haze since she had never tried it so we could "share the experience..."

So what was up?  Well I was on beer 5 and 1/2 (and for me who only occasionally taps the rockies a beer or two at a time that was crucial)...lol. So I had a nice lil buzz, was excited Jen had made it to my house... I had already put lil man to bed so he was knocked out...that meant a few more beers to unwind and we'll just see what happened...(side note: Jen has requested that from now on when I refer to "tapping the rockies" it should be code for having sex with her since she's from colorado/Rockies....but I don't know how I feel about that since I've always referred to her as an all you can eat mexican buffet...but I'll consider it)

She finished off the last of my Wild Blue blueberry Lager and wanted more, but all I had was Purple Haze which I told her tasted like a fruity beer with a "bong hit" after taste--she disagreed but didn't hate it, lol. Long story short, as the night progressed we got sillier and sillier....

 

Jen in my Yankees cap-- I love this pic of her...

 

After a few Purple Haze(s) :)  I'll take this is good shit for 1000 Alex

 

Purple Haze commercial?? Come on give it a try, everyone's doing it.

 

I looked over to see lil man's Spongebob shoes and just HAD to try them on... (you may recall, he's FIVE!!)

 

Pepper snuggles with Jen, Jen offers some Purple Haze, pepper declined.

The evening concluded with some X rated deeds (I'm sure everyone can use their imagination if you even want to go there....) The funniest thing is that I had this whole kinky fun evening planned (alcohol and waiting on Jen to get off of work definitely contributed to my master plan)... My kinky bubble was almost busted when I was in the middle of some stuff thinking "Yeah I'm a rock star...you like that huh...and she randomly looks at me and says, "So um, do you want me to get the step ladder..." HAHAHAHAHA.... I could have died.  I felt three feet tall to her eight... In real life I'm like 5'3 to her 5'7 or 5'8, I dunno... my plotting prior to her arrival had failed to calculate the height difference  in some areas of my "master plan..."  I love that the two of us can laugh at even the most inappropriate times and still love each other in the end.

SUNDAY:

We spent the day with Grandma, taking her on a car ride and running errands.  We all had lunch together, made a few stops, visited some folks and after dropping Gma off at the house for a nap, ended up at mom's house for some burgers on the grill.

 

My brother the grill master??? His shirt was too short and his ensemble was rather scary, seriously dude--you left your house in camo slippers, boardshorts and a shirt that was way to short.  YIKES.  The regulator is going out on mom's grill so it took like three hours for the burgers to cook.

 

Sunset from mom's back porch.

A fabulous weekend indeed.

Caution: Unedited Rant

I'm screaming on the inside today. I'm fucking fed up. I'm tired and irritated and just pissed off in general. I'm tired of being on repeat all day at work because nobody fucking listens.

I'm tired of having a job that is not hard at all be so difficult...does that make sense? I'm tired of being a "partner" to the supervisors/management here and seeing nothing but a lack of partnership.

This whole fucking place right now is a contradiction. I'm apparently bat shit crazy.

I want to scream aloud, yell, kick, punch, push, throw...I want to be destructive and break something....I'm like two steps away from turning green and Incredible Hulking it.


I'm irrational and just fucking done. I'm so fucking tired of the level of ignorance I have to deal with on a daily basis. My boss is the "bitchy one" and I'm the "nice, but straight forward" one...that's about to change...there's about to be two bitchy ones because the fuckers just aren't getting it.

I can't even tell up from down right now I'm so infuriated. It makes no fucking sense. Most of the time I'm fine, but today I just can't effing handle it anymore. I refuse. If I walk out on the floor one more time and have to deal with the same fucking bullshit I'm going to snap...not even kidding.

I just called my boss to fill her in on some details pertaining to an email that was sent earlier and told her flat out...I don't even want to be here right now. I want to go out, stand on a stack of pallets and just scream FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNTS.

Who gives a shit anymore if you don't hit your number...I'm tired of you not holding yourself accountable, I can't come out here and fucking hold your hand for you... And if I hear..."Well you don't know what its like out here" one for fucking time I'm going to lose it...

YES I DO...I'VE WORKED IN WAREHOUSES BEFORE...do you think they just gave me this job because they liked my haircut at the time...NO YOU BASTARD....I've worked in the heat, I've unloaded trucks, I've loaded them, I've shipped them, forecasted loads, handled damaged goods and HAZMAT material and their documents....and you know what...I HIT MY FUCKING NUMBERS TOO!!!!

(Deep breath out)...I was bitching to Field Hockey...she used to work for my company before getting laid off and then hired by the client company....I mentioned that I was at the point of going and buying a pack of smokes and just calling it a day...she made a suggestion that I hadn't even considered....BEER!!!! Duh...why didn't I think of that. I prefer the taste of beer to cigs, beer wont make me smell like smoke or leave that taste in my mouth that lingers forever....

Beer would be oh so fabulous right now...except I'm pretty sure the beer i have is skunky by this point....It's leftover from my birthday weekend at the end of May...I can't believe I don't really drink that often.... For now....those McSkinnys (you know the lil skinny mich ultras--water with a splash of hops), skunky or not....ARE CALLING MY NAME!!!

My boss told me that I can leave early if I want, but Now i have to make sure that people from a particular department know they don't have work tomorrow and their floor supervisor isn't reliable as far as telling them goes....so might as well just chill out.

Older women

Jen asks me pretty frequently...what's your deal with older women, lol. I can't explain why but I've always been attracted to them...and to be honest I can count on 1 or 2 fingers how many women I've been with that were my age or younger.

She asked me again on Sunday, but I don't remember the conversation...just that it was relevant so I smiled, laughed, and shrugged...I've been giving it some thought and still I'm struggling to put it into words.

My definition of "older women" sometimes is just as simple as being older than me... sometimes the age range creates a huge age gap per se.

In my most recent life there is Jen who is 31... a mere 3 years to my 28.

The "x" before her was 41 to my 27.... a 14 year difference. In this case age worked against us but not in the normal sense--more in the I was the adult and she was the "kid"...she stayed high all the time and only talked about Football, Video Games, or stories from her past that related to some guy she had fucked or what she had done when she was high this one time...or whatever...I was the one trying to have serious conversations...which never worked...besides I wanted to be high too, but couldn't because of my job. She was a wake and bake kind of girl...and if she didn't have pot she was a terror to be around....not cool...

The "x" before her was about six years older than me maybe...I don't remember exactly. My only other "true" long term gig, besides Jen... and that one can't even really only count so much because we were so on again off again in our ways. She had her life on a very serious path, wanted us to have joint checking accounts by this point and her and her towels by that point... I'm anti joint checking account among other things...and my thought on marriage is that I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to prove my commitment to someone. No offense to those that are married and honestly more power to you, it just doesn't suit me at this point in my life.

Rewind a bit further and I find myself recalling my first time. Let me clarify that--first time with a woman. I was always a "good kid," never gave a second thought to not being interested in boys when I was in high school...had something slipped into my drink at a frat party and recall being awake but unable to move or cry out as I was raped and then somehow managed to find my dorm as the sun came up. I didn't tell anyone until years later and because of it went through a phase in my life where I assumed the fact that I never felt a connection with a man was my fault and that the only way a man was going to like me was if I slept with them. I "skanked" out for a while... this turned out to be low self esteem and having internalized all the rage and confusion I had experienced from the rape itself.

In a short time period I had experienced my uncle (who was four years older than me at the time and one of my best friends) committing suicide, finding out my dad wasn't my real dad, a rape (which was also my first time ever having sex), and losing my best friend of 13 years to a misunderstanding)... all in a years time. So right before I graduated high school through the middle of my freshman year of college....it's a lot to digest.

I had been sent to therapy after withdrawing myself from college due to serious depression and the world catching up with me essentially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies...a label that would take me years to escape. (but was later diagnosed as a hormone imbalance that causes serious mood swings)...go figure

It wasn't until I admitted to my mom that all the problems I was having that my parents had assumed had to do with me finding out my dad wasn't my real dad was actually a combination of a lot of things, the rape being the breaking point.

That's when it dawned on me. The church wasn't necessarily right in everything it had been teaching me. I was no longer the founder of my youth group that was saving herself for marriage... I accepted that my lack of connection with men wasn't my fault or a bad thing I was going to hell for.... I was not attracted to them in that way. Period. I didn't stop believing in a higher power, but I stopped living my life according to the church's interpretation of how my life should be lived.

This revelation changed my life. I met this woman... Her name was Wendy. I couldn't tell you her last name if you paid me...that part of the memory didn't stick. I remember hanging out with her a couple of times and then going to her house. I was so nervous but I was sooo attracted to her. She made me tingle in places that no one else had.... I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch... she was polite, knew it was my first time and wasn't rushing me. I recall thinking I was so smooth as I jumped at every opportunity to slide closer to her, the cold leather under my legs.

She eventually took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. She didn't take my clothes off immediately...she let the anticipation build.... she tasted like Marlboros and a hot summer day...I took her shirt off and exposed the most perfect breasts I had ever seen at this point in my life. They were fuller than mine and I just wanted to touch them...curl up with them, take them home and have them forever....

The sex was incredible and it all became official... no wonder everything with men felt so forced... I'M A LESBIAN I thought....oh my god, what are my friends going to think...what, when, how, huh? Panic. Gasp.

She was 31 to my 19...perhaps my attraction to older women began there. We only hung out for a couple of weeks after that... it turns out that we had nothing but sex in common. She was an ex-con with a drinking and drug problem...she did nothing in moderation and was out of control. When I walked in to find her hitting her crack pipe...that's all she wrote. I didn't have time for that... but I was still grateful to her for helping me find my way.

I think the attraction to older women also relates to me not having to be the teacher. I've trained people in every aspect of my career thus far and I don't want to have to do it in the bedroom.... no that can't be it because I've still been the teacher to some....

I really don't know. My grandmother once hinted around to the reason I'm gay is that I was raped and have a fear of men. No, that isn't the case. I love men...as friends, as drinking buddies, to help me move heavy furniture....I don't want to fuck them or make love to them however. I had considered this possibility as well...but know that it's bigger than that.

Women are softer, prettier, curvier, have gentler touches--but can be rough when the time is right....they smell good, and dammit among other things they make me wetter than I ever knew was even possible... but I'll leave that alone as to not embarrass Jen, lol.

With most women there is no sense of "masculinity" or ego that has to be stroked (no pun intended)... for those lesbians that opt for toys or strap ons you know what I mean. Sure, you could get penetration from a guy, but it's not the same... unlike when a man is behind it--a woman pays attention to what feels good, focuses more on the feel good spots, and pays attention to her partners wants or needs.... I won't say all the time...but a lot of the time, in my experience Men spend too much time focusing on what feels good to them, "how macho he can be" and all that shit... I don't have the time...

I can feel good with minimal equipment--alone or with a beautiful woman by my side or below my belly button helping me out. I guess for now my interest in "older women" remains a mystery.

Age is only a number

So I ran out to the store last night for mom and dad--I got home with lil man and realized that I had laid his stuff on top of some paychecks I had to mail. I dropped them by the post office, before five, making sure they wouldn't be delayed, thereby pissing somone off and potentially having my car keyed or something else fucked up.

I go to Cabin Towne...this place thats like a gift shop (they sell dolls, crafts, marijuana supplies with stickers that say for tobacco use only, candles, etc) but most people just go their for reasonably priced smokes. I bought my mom and dad a carton of Marlboro Lights in a box and had mom's bank card to pay with it. The lady carded me for cigarettes first of all (which okay is fine...) but what killed me is that she looked at my ID and overreacted. She did a double take at the year I was born (perhaps reading it wrong) and said...wow, you look great. But not in a complimentary way, more in a holy shit you're that old I'd never have guessed.

I could understand this happening if I was 73 and my ID suggested I was say 32...but I'm only 28. I'm glow in the dark white so I'm thinking it's my lack of exposure to natural sunlight that keeps me looking so youthful and vibrant...or it could be the fact that I am in fact young enough to feel offended by this lady thinking I should be all wrinkly and buying geritol in bulk. What the freaking fuck?

smoke

I need a smoke. A cigarette. Prozac on a stick... I know it will only make me feel better for a second and then I will just become irritated at the fact that I smell, no wreak of cigarettes. The taste from a single puff will linger in my mouth and despite chewing gum, brushing my teeth, or even rinsing with mouthwash...I'll still taste it.

I'll still open my mouth and see this dry, hot, smokey cloud resignate from my insides letting everyone else around me that I smoked as well. I'll wash the stink from my hands feel refreshed, only to catch a whiff of its unpleasantness in my shirt.

I never smoke the whole pack, so what a waste. I used to keep an emergency pack in the glove box, but since I smoke them so infrequently, by the time I pulled one out to get that quick, calming fix, before slipping into my nicotine coma--the tobacco was so dry and old that the cigarette burned up entirely too fast.

Ugh. Stale tobacco. Sometimes I give the cigarettes away--I know plenty of people that smoke...and would love to not spend a metric shit ton of money on a pack of smokes...but it's not worth it. It won't fix what is bothering me, only giving me something new to bitch about and take my mind off of what's really weighing it down temporarily.

Both of my grandfathers smoked. One, up until they put him on oxygen and the other until he was on oxygen and the cigarettes still killed him after stopping...it was too late. My mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend still smoke. My sister hasn't had one for about two months and my Aunt Melissa probably a month now.

ME...I haven't smoked since college...then I only did it because it gave me something to do. I never enjoyed it...never liked the taste or the smell...hate riding in the car with someone who is smoking, I guess i'm just a hater.

I need to stop looking for ways to deal with my problems through other objects. For example, I'm a mood eater. I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad, awake, it doesn't matter (though I have recently started to get that under control, thank goodness)...but looking to cigarettes isn't going to solve my problem so why waste my money. The way my mouth will feel afterwards prevents me from bumming one...

At some point I'm just going to have to face my demons and do it substance free (substance being anything ranging from sugar, soda, chocolate, cigarettes, etc) Id love be high right now...but I haven't smoked pot in over a year (because of my job, lol) and that too isn't going to fix anything...

Fuck me. (no not literally)