What do I want?

I've been asked a lot lately What do I want? What do I want in a relationship? What do I want in a girlfriend? What do I want in general? and to be honest, I'm kind of fed the hell up.

What do I want? I want shit to just go with the damn flow. When I have stuff on my mind I want to be able to get lost in my thoughts for a bit and it not "ruin" someone else's day. I want to be able to have an "off day" (which are actually normal for me) and it not be a "Oh shit...Tommy's having a moment thing." I don't have moments. If I'm freaking out over something or just off in general then its for reasons that are serious to me (you may view them as unimportant, but to me that matter.)

I want it to be okay if I don't laugh at everything you think is funny (because dammit, we aren't going to find all things amusing in the same sense.) I want to have my space without worrying about the fight thats going to come because I requested to do something on my own.

I want an independent relationship where I have a life, you have a life, and we have a life together--NOT I have a life sometimes and then all the rest of the time there you are. Sure that sounds harsh...but I want my girlfriend to have a life of her own--one where she goes out with friends from time to time, spends time with her son (when he's with her of course), plays ball to clear her head or just because she enjoys it, has a hobby or something to do and enjoy without me being around.

I want to not feel guilty if I procrastinate and put off homework until the weekend and it interferes with "us" time. I don't want to be forced to talk about shit when I dont want to or I'm not ready because this always results in me getting fed the fuck up and saying anything that will make the conversation come to a close (most of the time this will be off the wall really mean shit.) I want to be able to say the things that are on my mind and vent without it causing issues or make the other person pout for the next three to five days.

I don't want to be relied upon to tell you how great you are, or wonderful, or fabulous, or beautiful or whatever, because dammit I feel like you should know that shit already. I'm not going to just say shit to hear myself talk. I want you to be confident and know that you are fucking wonderful and not lose sight of that just because I don't say it. I want my actions to speak for themselves, whether that be a positive or negative manner.

Sometimes I just don't even want to think about shit much less be "nagged" about it all the time and be forced to participate in converstations that feel like nothing more than beating a dead horse. I don't want you to clean up because you think i'm pissed and at my wits end I want you to do it because you made a mess or you legitimately just want to help out. I don't want you to make efforts to revive a lost spark and do things out of the ordinary in hopes of turning things around...do them because you think that it's a nice thing to do.

I don't want to be the bad guy, nor do I want to keep dragging the bullshit on. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want to be changed or altered or anything of the sort. I stated from the beginning that I have mood issues (for a lack of better words) I let you know from the start that school and family are my priorities...why does everything seem to be an issue now? I haven't changed. I've been the same in my opinion.

I feel like here lately if I'm sick then you have to be sicker. If I'm going through a tough time then mine fails in comparison to what you're going through. I get to the point where I just want to yell shut up, I don't care. (Do I really mean that, probably not...)

The fact is that I do care, but the constant bullshit of "Tommy it sounds to me like you just want a friend" type scenario is rather played out. I'm sorry that's how you feel, but why can't you understand the concept that i'm suggesting.

I want it to be okay if I say I'm not up for company because I just want to sleep. (it makes no sense to have you come out to watch me sleep or whatever when its just going to make you bored like you normally are.

I'm tired of feeling angst. I'm tired of the fact that we are forcing this to work. I'm tired of working at it. I've got three papers to write, three weeks worth of studying/homework and three finals coming up only to start my last three classes...My hours have picked back up at work and really I'm just tired all the fucking time. I don't have the energy to continue to try and explain shit because you have questions. I'm in a very self centered state of mind right now and dammit I don't know how to snap out of it. I don't want to do things that seem like chores. I don't want to constantly explain myself or feel like you are checking up on me.

It bothers me that you always want to know who I'm texting or talking to like Im doing shit I shouldn't be. I've never done anything to make you not trust me!!! Never. What's with the damn spanish inquisistion all the time.

I dont want you to get jealous because I'm petting my dog and not rubbing you....

I guess what it all boils down to is despite me having a theory on nearly everything and having stated a good portion of all the shit that's on my mind right now....this will be read and the next question I hear will be "Tommy what do you want?" and this entire rant will have been in vain.

I don't fucking know what I want anymore. I just want to focus on school and try and pay my bills, and hang out with my friends from time to time (which to be honest I've neglected a great deal of them or put if off because it interfered with other things we were doing)... I want to come and go as I please as you put it. I don't know how you can misconstrue everything I say and twist it into something that sounds so entirely awful.

I want my cake and I want to eat it to. My fear is that you'll read this and take the wrong things from it. I rarely feel like "you get me" anymore. I feel like this whole thing is a waste.

I don't fucking know anything anymore and that's about as fucking honest as I can get. I just don't know. But rather than letting the shit take a natural course its like you're going to force me to discuss or make decisions and if that happens, neither one of us will like the outcome.