I had a break through

So I had a break through (I can't even remember if that is one word or two right now, but I digress). The other day I wrote a blog (which is what I do, I vent via blog, as well as ramble, and whatever else) but anyway--it was mean. I was just venting, but I was so pissed and I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts in any other way other than that form the other day.

It seemed like everytime I went to talk to Jen about things I'd get sidetracked or pissy because the conversation was dragging on (I'm not big on spending time talking about serious stuff like feelings or relationships). So anyway I wrote this what turned out to be really evil blog in her eyes, which looking back was pretty fucked up but I think it also helped us in the long run as well as me have this breakthrough that I'm trying to write about.

You see, Jen and I have been together for a little over seven months now and here recently it seemed like something was off. Between our different work schedules, me always being tired and spread entirely too thin, and her dealing with things in her life, it's like we lost each other as well as our "spark" along the way. Things felt like they were being done out of habit or obligation and no longer just because it was the right or nice thing to do.

Jen and I talked the other day and I finally admitted to just needing some space to collect my thoughts and make it through all the school work I have right now plus upcoming finals. Okay we agreed upon a few things and moved on...or so we thought.

It wasn't until she came over on Sunday after playing a couple of games on the Wii at my moms house that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's like we always talk about stuff but it never gets resolved or we never actually move on to the next topic, we hang on to whatever happened before trying to analyze it prevent it from happening again, all while causing something else to become an issue....

This relationship stuff is effing hard sometimes. I've never been a fan of working at things, especially things that I just don't feel like should be work. I'd much rather use my energy having fun--not being miserable and always trying to work at shit...

So anyway--I flipped. I was like, how can you not feel how awkward it is right now with the two of us alone in this room. We had barely two words to say to the other and the few words we could muster seemed to be forced and poorly scripted.

It was then that I admitted not only to myself but to Jen that I was sabotaging our realationship--though not on purpose. Ive been analyzing past relationships and trying to figure shit out and I'm the only common factor in all of them going wrong. I find reasons to nit pick and point out things that are supposedly wrong and what have you and all the negative bubbles and boils from my insides until the outcome is me just ending the relationship because I'm fed up, when in reality the other person hasn't done shit wrong, I'm just crazy and like causing drama apparently.

Jen pointed out that she deserves to be treated better and isn't going to tolerate that shit and what have you and long story short we made up. We finally made some progress...our spark is back, there is no awkwardness at all...we are back to like it was in the very beginning, only the sex is even better, lol.

Nice. I'm kind of a grown up now I guess in the relationship department at least.