Clearing my head

I have a lot of stuff on my mind right now. Some is relevant and some is not...it's all kind of jumbled and I can't make sense of it all right now.

For starters, I've been asked what feels like a lot recently if I am happy. Happy in my relationship, happy with life in general, happy happy happy. I don't know if I'm happy. How is happiness defined? I feel like I'm losing myself more and more and am getting close to the point of no return if you will. I've always spent my time doing for everyone else and always putting things that I want to accomplish on the back burner.

In relationships, I've always just done what the other person wants me to or would prefer I do in order to avoid "rocking the boat" or having to deal with a discussion or an argument that I'd just rather not sit through. I'm tired of that. When I say that I want "Tommy time" I don't want it to be viewed as, I don't want or value someone else's company but sometimes I just want to do things that I want to do without feeling obligated to keep that person amused or entertained, thereby putting off stuff that I'd sometimes rather be doing. Nowadays its like if I dare mention that I want to do something by myself when its during a time that someone else has available, its the end of the world. This isn't just the case with say my girlfriend, but often times my family as well. It's hard though. Trying to appease the masses can wear you the hell out.

I don't think it makes me selfish to have things that I want to do by myself. It's healthy to be an individual, but I feel like my individuality is being sacrificed in order to yet again keep everyone else happy.

I've recently realized that I may have bitten off more than I can chew. For example, my girlfriend asked for help with her son while she works. Okay, normally wouldn't be an issue. But the more I think about it, I don't want to babysit every single Saturday--every now and then would be completely okay, but I don't want it to be the expectation, whether I'm getting paid or not, ya know. Saturday is generally my day off, my day away from the warehouse, my day to get caught up on things around the house, or homework, or just to do absolutely nothing. I am not willing to give that up ALL the time.

I'm tired of people playing mind games with me even when they don't realize they are doing it. Pressuring me into doing things may work for a short time, but dammit I'm going to get tired of it quickly. Don't guilt trip me or make me feel bad because I don't want to go and do something with you at the drop of a hat.

Don't ask me things that you aren't willing to hear the answer to. I want to go places in general and not NOT have a good time because I'm too worried as to whether who I'm with is amused or entertained or what not.

Perhaps I'm having a pre-midlife crisis. Of course perhaps I'm just tired of just always going with the flow to appease someone else. I'm fucking tired of it. I'm rundown in general. I'm tired of things that I want to do being put on hold because of what someone else wants to do. I'm tired of empty threats and ultimatums, I'm tired of not being me because when I am me, someone else is convinced that that isn't the real me and there must be some obvious issue that is to blame for it.

I'm tired of not having the balls to say what's really on my mind because I'm worried about hurting someone elses feelings. I'm tired of feeling guilty for having an opinion and sharing it. I'm tired of feeling like everything that I do is wrong or that there was a better alternative that I should have done.

Most of all I'm just tired. Exhausted. Capoot. I don't know how else to say it.