Wednesday, September 30, 2009

Weighty woes

The unthinkable happened today.  I was at work.  Sluggish as usual and feeling like shit.  I didn't think it was anything serious (just the usual run down self I've become accustomed to...that doesn't necessarily get excited about going to work anymore.)  When I walked in a couple minutes behind schedule, before I could even check the voicemail to find out how many call outs I was looking at for the day, my cell phone started ringing...it was my least favorite Ops Manager--seriously this dude is a complete dill hole and I have no idea how he's in his position. But at this point it's irrelevant.  He's freaking out because he had about three people not show up and was short staffed in one department.  I got on the phone and began calling all ten people that were told to not to come to work today because they weren't needed, only to ask them if they were available for work that day.  Fucking ridiculous.  Piss poor planning and well long story short my not feeling well in general got worse. 

I called my boss and told her I felt like shit and wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it much longer.  By this point I was having hot flashes and feeling sick to my stomach.  I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away.  Then it dawned on me that I had just vented to my boss, off the record of course that I was so fed up with the way things were at work and that I no longer jumped out of bed to come running into work... I didn't want her to think that I was just bailing, because in truth I really didn't feel well.  I wanted to cry, scream, punch the next dumbass who stepped in my path...I needed to get out of there...even if it meant losing out on potential overtime for the week and not even making my forty hours... (I don't get sick time...I didn't care today...)

I went to the doctor with no specific symptoms, in search of a note...to excuse my absence and because lil man had been throwing up (I felt this was probably stress related, but wanted to be sure since we already had someone in my town die of the H1N1 flu crap... I'm not normally a germaphobe, nor do I give second thought to sickness because I just hate going to the doctor...but with a new baby in the picture, I didn't want to risk anything)

I fell asleep in the exam room waiting on the doctor, who I could hear outside the door in the nurses station discussing lottery tickets and the office raffle or some bullshit... glad to know I'm not dying and not a serious case.  My blood pressure, temp, and weight were all checked prior to my arrival in the exam room.  The results, 118/72, 97 degrees, and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...

From this point to the doctors arrival and in between my cat naps I had had plenty of time to focus on and freak out about my weight.  I flashed back to the time I went to the crotch doc for my normal annual violation and the scales tilted at 223 pounds.  After leaving the office I cried the entire way home as my mom drove...I couldn't believe my weight had reached that point.  Today, about five or six years later I've hit an all time high and I was devastated. Devastated to the point of tears when trying to talk to the doctor.  I had to take ownership in the fact that the reason I feel like shit all the time is my weight.  I have heartburn all the time it seems, even from drinking water--WTF?  I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, I'm slugglish, I never want to do anything, I've isolated myself from friends and social gatherings because it means people seeing me. 

I was mad at myself for crying. I cry at the most random times.  I went from answering the "could you be pregnant" question with a chuckle and explaining that I'm a lesbian and I don't do guys in rebuttle to the doctors usual, well how do you know....to trying to explain how I feel with no symptomatic description that would help in diagnosis at all.

I told the doctor that I felt like stress had a lot to do with how I felt and my weight in general and when I revealed to him that my current weight is at an all time high I fucking lost it.  Cried like a lil bitch, while Dr. Dickhead just watched...baffled.  It was determined that there was no need for labs, which I agreed with because they always come back the same, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just fat... He suggested I look into Weightloss centers of america or another doctor or two that specialize in weight loss medicine, and/or surgery.  When I made the comment, I'd rather just do it on my own...he quickly said, "that's going to be tough" with a face that said, I don't think you have a concept of just how fat and unhealthy you really are. (mind you he suggested something that insurance isnt' likely to cover after he went through the computer and pulled up my information, discovering that I had been to see an endocrinologist earlier in the year for treatment of PCOS, but quit because it was too expensive...I'm still paying those fucking bills and they couldn't get my levels adjusted right so I'm still a hormonal mess and FAT)

I gathered my composure for him to explain to me that I'm 28 years old and that if I continue living with this excess weight on my 5 foot 3 and half inch frame, i'm going to never get rid of this slugglish feeling, I'm going to have health problems that get progressively worse, arthritis in my joints from carrying this weight around, among other things that could potentially lead to early death.  I was done talking to this guy.  Not because I disagreed, but I needed to cry some more and needed to get out while I had the chance.  I grabbed my doctor's note and bolted.  I hit the parking lot in time for the tears to start pouring...I cried all the way home.  I still felt like shit so I decided I was going to take a nap...(naps are not exactly going to solve my predicament, but they generally help buy me time to come up with a plan)...

Jen called me, she had to go and pick up lil man from school because he was throwing up and she was worried about me because of the vague text I had sent her after leaving the doctor's office.  I said somethign about beign fine, just fat.... I started crying on the phone and just didnt want to talk about it...I went down to grandma's end of the house since it was 11 am and she wasn't down in the kitchen yet, I was making sure she was alive.  She was.  I'm not sure what part of I don't feel good I'm going to lay down she didn't understand but thirty minutes later she was still talking, asking me to do stuff and telling me all about everything she's planning on taking on her trip (she's leaving this weekend to see her sister, her brother is picking her up) I finally cut her off and explained, Grandma, I don't leave work often at all because I don't feel well, I've already been to the doctor and I need to go lay down...it finally registered.

I slept for four and a half hours when my mom called and I told her about leaving work early and being fat.  She did the normal, Tommy...stop beating yourself up and I near tears explained to her that I'm at my all time high and just can't fathom how I keep letting this happen. It makes no sense NO SENSE at all.... I came to moms house because she, my sister, and my aunt, plus the baby have all taken a road trip to leave baby daddy in Radford, where he lives, and plan to leave from there in the morning and head to Kentucky to visit my mom's parents so tehy can see the baby--they'll be back Monday, minus baby daddy so I have dog duty.  I get to watch my sister's dogs plus mine, but since Gma is leaving Saturday, i'll probably just load the dogs up so that I can be at my house with them plus mine and get my own shit done...

I went online and finally ordered my stuff from lil man's school fundraiser, I had been putting it off for whatever reason.  Then I went to weight watchers online to check it out.  I've gone to weight watchers meetings before but quit because the leader's voice and CAMEL TOE were equally annoying--plus it was counter productive because everytime I had a good week, I'd go to McDonald's and reward myself with a vat of death... fuck.

I signed up, I paid for one month and got one month free...I have a few meetings to choose from in my area, that aren't lead by camel toe lady and for the first time ever am doing this on my own. I'm not relying on my mom or my sister to do things with me...this is my fight and I'm the only one that can do it for me.  The first meeting will be next week because I've missed the meetings this week already.  I'm excited about this new venture. It's not going to be easy, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do...I can't continue on the same path that I've been headed down.  No room for excuses. 

I will be using my new blog (eventually) to vent, track, etc my progress so that I don't bore anyone with the details... I'm coming clean, I'm going to be honest...blunt even. I have never openly admitted to my weight or pants size...but I am tonight...just because I think it will help me in this process (though I'm not sure the logic behind using humiliation as a motivator)... It's hard when I have such a wonderful woman in my life who looks at me and doesn't see fat or disgusting but beautiful and fabulous...but I have to face the facts....I don't see those things when I look in the mirror and I'm the only one that can do something to change it.  I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality, or being told wow...you carry your weight really well...I'M TIRED OF FUCKING CARRYING IT.

I generally wear anywhere from a 22 to 26 in women's pants depending on who makes them.  My cargo shorts are a guys 46 or 48 (I have a couple in each) and I generally wear men's XL tops which I stretch out at the bottom to keep them from clinging to my gut....2Xs are too big so I'm technically in an in between size kind of girl.... Everything cute is meant for little people and anything past a size 16/18 is like old ladyish... unless you have money fore  Lane Bryant or Torrid or some other fashionable women's clothing stores which I do not.

So here it is, the scale today read 273 pounds.  Ridiculous.  Tomorrow is a new day...I'll be in a better modd and I have a plan.... Weightwatchers is the way to go for me in theory because I can still count points and have a beer when I want one lol.

My brother just stopped by mom's house...I open the door and my nostrils immediately filled with the smell of Pot.  I swear...i would love having a job where I could get high and not have to worry about random drug tests or getting hurt and having to pee in a cup... Don't judge me... I'm anti drug (but I'm a supporter of pot in many situations...since it's natural and all) I don't want any man made shit from some chemical flunkie's kitchen that's goign to potentially kill me.  Fuck that.  But alas...not weed for me.  I have to be responsible and can't risk not having a pay check.

I'd like to lose 123 pounds on this journey...it's not going to happen overnight...so here goes nothing.

Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Matching Hair


She likes me...she really likes me :) I fed Charley for the first time last night which was a big feat for me considering that if she even made a face to indicate she was going to cry...I handed over to her mom.  This time I voluntarily took a screaming baby, rocked her, fed her, burped her, the works...

And how awesome is it that she's so rocking the faux hawk, just like her Aunt Tom???


 

On Sunday, Aunt Jen gave Charley a manicure...this girl is going to be such a girlie girl it's ridiculous...but she laid there and napped through her filing and clipping, hand all laid out like a grown woman would at the nail salon, lol...it was too funny...

Did you notice that Jen's hair is shorter than normal?  I gave her another haircut--it just keeps getting shorter and shorter...but it looks hot and she wanted something that could be punk rock or professional... (She knows she's hot too :)


 

That lil chin of hers just kills me...she's getting cuter by the day (since the freaky reddish newborn features disappear...lol...)  I'm very excited about this being an aunt thing.  My sister has already changed dramatically, in a totally good way and I'm proud of her.  Mom is taking baby daddy back home Wednesday night so he'll be out of the picture for a while, THANK GOD...ugh...dude just skeeves me out.

Sunday, September 27, 2009

Before and after


So I was in a painting mood this weekend.  I wasn't sure what to do with myself since there was no homework due and nothing I absolutely HAD to do.  I walked into my bedroom and saw this painting hanging on the wall... I often walked past it thinking...that's so not what I intended when I painted it all those years ago. 

I painted it back in like tenth grade, so like what, '96 or '97...the art assignment was to select a title off of a list that the teacher provided and then paint something accordingly.  For whatever reason, I selected the title..."Inside the head of a Teenage Schizophrenic" and came up with:


I actually got a B on it because the teacher didn't feel like there was enough "art" since there was too much writing on it... I don't know why I hung onto it for SOOO many years...but I did have a few favorite parts:



A doo doo fly of all things...


 

I also went through a Palm tree phase... I dunno... they've always appealed to me

So anyway, Friday night got here...I was tired, but pretty excited about a night in...it was rainy and icky and I had rented movies...I pulled the painting off the wall and yanked the three dimensional head of it and covered it in black.  I didn't have anything planned...I just let the canvas lead me (some of ya'll may find that rather "gay" but there's no other way to explain it...) this piece moved me and I'm really happy with how it turned out :)...

I don't have a title for it yet however....I am open to suggestions...


 

It just makes me happy. :) 
 

Thursday, September 24, 2009

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS

My mom and sister just called me... apparently Mandi's baby daddy (he's not her boyfriend these days, literally the sperm donor that she is letting partake in the parenthood thing from afar...) was asking about the baby's bracelets that she came home from the hospital with...He wanted them.  Mandi explained that she had plans to put them in the baby book along with her own (mom/daughter hospital bracelets)...she put them in her jewelry box and called it a day.

When she went back to the jewelry box the baby's bracelets were gone.  Mandi and mom distracted BD (baby daddy) while Aunt Melissa went upstairs to look through his stuff to see if he had them.  She came downstairs and revealed a glass pipe that Mandi wasn't familiar with.  I had her send me a picture of it because I've been exposed to a lot more stuff than my sister has (despite her being a criminal justice major...she'd never make it as an undercover cop, lol)... Now I'm sort of the rebel in the family, but overall, the most I've really ever experimented with was alcohol and pot... I've seen other things but didn't really recognize this particular style of pipe.

After a little online research I have determined that the pipe they found in BDs stuff is the kind used to smoke Crystal meth.  Mandi first though crack, but it's not...AND she told me a lil while ago that he used to be addicted to meth OH MY FUCKING GOD...SERIOUSLY?  I want to say remind me again, with all of this misdemeanors, or felonies, or whatever...drug addiction...what in the fuck were you interested in him exactly?  I'm glad that my sister got a baby out of the deal but I think the reason this "winner" of a guy caught her eye because she was at the middle of a nasty divorce, felt down in the dumps and enjoyed the attention she got.  That's the only reason I can come up with for why someone as smart as my sister could have no common sense when it comes to some men.

Long story shit, my mom is not going to let this guy stay in her house anymore or see the baby...she was alreayd like how the fuck are you going to come into town for the "birth of your baby" and bring your fucking paraphernalia with you" my sister now realizes where all his money has been going, because it sure as hell hasn't beign goin toward his daughter and my mom has been paying for everything since he got into town...

I feel so bad for my sister, she doesn't need this shit right now with her baby not even being three days old.  She was crying as she told me taht she ignored her gut and gave the baby his last name instead of hers...I guess there are no redos on the name once you've done it???

Always some fucking drama.  It's probably a good thing I'm at Jen's house watching lil man til she gets home from work AND that I have to get up for a 5:45 am shift...otherwise I'd go over and give him a piece of my mind for sure...I can't believe this.

I'm livid right now.  Mom just called me to tell me that she confronted BD...he of course just "forgot it was in there..." He's got my sister all torn to pieces...I can tolerate and or just bitch about a lot of things rather than take action, but I'll be damned if some douche bag is going to fuck over my sister.

BD commented to my sister earlier, "I think you love this baby more than you love me...." she responded with a DUH!!! Mom also reminded him that he's not here to be Mandi's boyfriend, because he's not...he's the baby's dad and that's it...so if he is here for anything other than that baby he's got another thing comin'.

Apparently while at the hospital he also went into mandi's purse...a huge no no.  You don't go into anyone in my family's purse, its sacred...if I carried a purse I'd fuck someone up for going in it, regardless of what they were looking for...mom told him on that subject "IF YOU EVER GO INTO MANDI'S PURSE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY BREAK YOUR HANDS and you will be out of here---she was married to an asshole that played that game, he's not in the picture either..."

My mom is like 100 pounds lighter than me but way more butch than i could ever be, lol.  She's my hero.  She's ex army and I've seen her lay my brother out (he's 5'11 to her 5'1...) You don't fuck with mom...BD is only maybe 5'6 and like 175...he doesn't stand a chance...

Confirmation

It's officially...I have been declared officially done with school.  I just received the confirmation email which said that I met all education and financial requirements.  Now I just pay 125 bucks (ugh) for the evaluation fee (translation pointless rip off) and I'll have my degree within 10-12 weeks...kind of ridiculous in my opinion, but hey I'M DONE.

Sure I had finished all my work prior to this but I was scared that I'd get a call saying I couldn't graduate because I was missing a credit or something...didn't happen... :)

I'M DONE
I'M DONE
I'M DONE

FUCK YEAH I'M DONE :)

My niece Charley

So I met her.  She's B-E-A-UTIFUL.  Like 8th wonder of the world beautiful, but of course I'm a little biased.



Fat cheeks and full lips...




I didn't cry when I held her (probably because I was too busy freaking out thinking DON'T DROP HER, DON'T DROP HER...)




Mandi and Charley (I still wish she would have spelled her name with an ie...)




Poor thing, I was probably burning her retinas through her eyelids all the pictures I was taking

 

Smooshy face




Blanket's doing some weird stuff here...but she's so cute, she has her mom's chin for sure




After her bath, Charley was rocking my normal hair style..the faux hawk :) Granny is in love...can't you tell




The cute moose I bought for my sister.




Burp...

I commented on her having DSLs first thing (Dick sucking lips) and her dad was like "nuh-uh...there will be none of that...she's going to hang out with her Aunt Tommy..." Here's to hoping she grows up gay then?  I'm confused...I don't know if he meant he wants her to be a carpet muncher or he just wants her to be innocent and not suck any dick?  I'm confused.

But she's a cutey and I'm stoked about being an Aunt...baby's this size freak me out though...they are too fragile...we'll get there...


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Good news

I'M AN AUNT!!! Yay...after two days of the attempted inducing of my sister (to no avail)...the doctors took her off of the patosin? and at some point the baby's heart beat spiked...it was like this for about an hour and a half and they couldn't get it to go down so they opted for a C-Section....Both mom and baby are healthy, happy, and fabulous.

I have not physically laid eyes on my one and only niece, but Charley Danielle (Charley for my uncle who passed away ten years ago and Danielle for my grandfather...daniel) has a head full of hair, a pudgy round face with huge cheeks, lol and she weighed 8 1bs and is 19 in long... she was born last night at 9:00 pm.  I'm hoping to get off work early, since I've been working 10.5 hour days and getting to work ASS early...to go and meet my niece.  Kind of exciting...I'm not an aunt.  I wonder what she'll call me (when she can talk that is)...Aunt Tommy? Aunt T? Aunt Tom? Thomas?  I guess only time will tell...for now I'm just stoked she's finally friggin' here. My sister tried for years to get pregnant and her dream came true in the middle of a divorce, by accident :) And what a beautiful accident it turned out to be :)

In addition, I finally got to view my grades for the classes I just completed (you know, the last ones)...all A's... I did really well on the papers I procrastinated on and got a perfect score on one of my finals...I'm such a nerd :)  That brought my GPA up to a 3.5 which I can totally live with :)  Plus it will look decent on a resume along with my membership in Alpha Sigma Lambda, or whatever the Honor's society frat is....

Still working on the resume...getting there slowly...I just hope the position isn't filled while I'm trying to get my shit together and in fabulous HIRE ME form...

More training this morning and I must devise a way to curb the attendance issue we are experiencing here in the warehouse...I don't know what people's problems are... HEY BITCHES, CARRY YOUR ASS TO WORK...I have a hard enough time getting myself to work on time and EVERY fucking day...I can't come to ya'lls house, wake you up, fix you a bowl of cereal and comb your hair YOU ARE ALL MOTHER FUCKING ADULTS and I am NOT YOUR MOMMY!!!  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET FIRED, I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT...

Yeah right...I'd fire a 1/4 of my staff easily if it wasn't against policy, haha.  All because of excessive absenteeism and tardies...we have a points program in place but excuse the points with documentation, some folks abuse it and those folks are going on final warning today because of it... I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to make them successful when they don't want it for themselves.

Mom made me cry night before last. She called me randomly to say that she loved me and that she was really proud of me for finishing my degree. She said that she didn't care that it took me ten years to do it...she was impressed that I had stuck with it.  That was awesome.  I'm lucky to have such a fabulous family and loving supportive girlfriend.

I think back to the times when I was in Beauty School and didn't want to go in because I was tired and just wanted to sleep....my dad would knock on my door, open it, and immediately start singing, BEAUTY SCHOOL DROP OUT from Grease...he definitely helped me along in that area.  I couldn't handle the thought of quitting college and then also quitting beauty school too....ugh...I had to finish something at some point....and I did... unfortunately, I hate doing hair full time, but I keep up my license for shits and giggles.

Monday, September 21, 2009

Monday Memories

I was sitting on the steps of the back porch picking my nose and enjoying the fabulous breeze that was blowing in and remembered something that make me laugh. (i'm sure many of you hope that I'm kidding about the nose picking--I'm NOT.)

Today's memory involves meeting Jen's parents this past January.  We flew out to Colorado (also my first time in CO)... Jen had many disclaimers for this trip.  She kept telling me about how here family was NOT like my family.  They are loving and fabulous just like mine, but they aren't as open.  When I say open, I refer to the fact that nothing is off limits in my family if it's going to get a laugh (i.e. sharing with my mom, sister, brother, etc about this one time when I was trying to do such and such with Jen and blah blah strap on, blah blah and she said do you need a step stool...) Sure, no one necessarily wants the mental image of what I'm telling them, but the laugh we all get from it trumps it (plus, I love getting Jen riled up with her, TOMMY OH MY GOD, REALLY??? No you are not telling them that...OH MY GOD...OH JESUS...as she turns red and hides her face behind her hands)

Well I promised Jen that I would be on my best behavior, which I always am around new people, especially parents (My friends parents wouldn't let them go places unless I was going because they thought I was the "good one"... which I was back then :)  But I digress.

So picture it.  I'm trying to warm up to Jen's folks, scared shitless, I'm already in semi time out at this point  because I had cut my hair pretty dykey prior to this trip and Jen came slightly unglued...lol.  (Don't get me wrong, her folks are not haters by any means, but she had described me one way and wanted me to fit the picture she had painted for them)...Her mom is shelling nuts so that Jen can bake her a batch of cookies with them in it...I don't remember what kind of nuts they were but this is the conversation:

Jen's Mom: Oh Tommy, Jen makes the best cookies....do you like nuts?
Me: No, not a big fan
Jen's Mom: Oh yeah?
Me: Yeah, they aren't very conducive to my lifestyle
Jen's Mom: (puzzled look)
ME: I don't like how nuts feel in my mouth

By this point Jen has practically climbed under the table and I'm about to piss myself because of how clever my comment was, though inappropriate in that  I totally forgot where I was...my bad.  Jen put me on time out for a lil while, but her mom chuckled about it after the fact.  Turns out even after awkward conversations like the one above...the rents LOVE ME :) and they think I'm a good influence on Jen and Lil man...

Yes, that's right I'm patting myself on the back right now....I'm a rockstar, thanks for noticing.

Paranoia sets in

I have serious issues. I didn't expect my day to be shitty when I woke up all snuggled up in the covers on top of my fabulous new mattress pad.  Hell, I even did my hair and make up.  Not something I do often these days, much less early ass on a Monday morning.

Then I got to work.  Processed payroll, checked on my sister (she's fine, still prego)...found out from my boss that I had training that afternoon for a batch of new hires.  Really...I know that we are having a problem getting folks in the door but I just would have liked a little more notice.  Then I walk in the office around my contractors lunch time (I had been out on the warehouse floor) and BAM there's my boss sitting at the table in my office.  WTF?  I kept my cool and didn't even act surprised (in my opinion)...she left for lunch with some of the managers and I got things lined up for the new starts doing paperwork and their equipment training.

My mind got to working (which isn't generally a good thing)...I felt some kind of way. I felt like my boss showed up unannounced in an attempt to catch me doing something I wasn't supposed to.  It freaking pissed me off.  She's never come to help me train before, why now?  She was going to shadow me and see if I needed to focus my efforts anywhere, see what my weaknesses are and provide feedback. 

It wasn't until later when I chilled the hell out that I realized that she's aiming towards a promotion, if that were to happen for her, then I could in theory transition into her role (which I don't know if I would accept or not to be honest...) so it's possible she was making sure I was ready.  Then again, she could have just needed a break from the main office.  The point is it was odd for her to show up unannounced...I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have been, thank god I wasn't blogging or chilling in the office half asleep. 

I'm just paranoid all the time. I feel like everyone has ulterior motives regardless of the circumstances...i need to get over it.  I'm still working on my resume...

My sister is still pregnant.  They started inducing her this morning and at about 6:30pm they gave up and have decided to try again tomorrow since she had only dialated 2 centimenters... this baby is a stubborn one for sure.  So update, I'm still not an aunt officially. 

Pepper is sitting next to me on the couch stretched out and Chino kitty is curled up on a pillow that is strategically placed on the lego table I have set up in the living room...

Um, Chuck Lidell, from UFC is a freaking competitor on Dancing with the Stars--RANDOM...

Back to the resume...perhaps.

Spiraling, Drifting, Falling

I've had a rough few days.  I feel like my life is on repeat...like I'm living the movie Groundhog day and it never ends.  It's my own fault, I'm the only one that can do anything about it...and yet it seems I'd rather just bitch about things than take action.

A procrastinator of life, that's what I am.  I don't take my own advice and I should.  It's easy for me to feel high and mighty, to tell others what I think they should do, regardless of the circumstances, I seem to always have an answer.  I'm tired.  I'm tired of hearing the sound of my own voice offering others advice when I can't even muster the words to ask for help when I'm overwhelmed, trapped, or flailing. I'm scared.

It dawned on me when I was talking to Jen today.  We were sitting there talking...me in a mood and her trying to figure out what the problem was.  Her mood was feeding off of me, and lil man was feeding off of both of us.  I was the trigger.  I'm not going to make excuses, because in all honesty I don't know enough to make any. Jen is wonderful. Sometimes so wonderful I freak out and wonder when the hell I'm going to wake up from this dream because I'm not used to things being this good for so long at a time.  I've never been in love like this and it scares me.  The vulnerability scares me.

She bought me a mattress cover for my bed (my mattresses are the model above the woven straps tied to wooden frames model from back in the Jamestown Era, lol)--She wanted me to have a better nights sleep, she's always thinking of stuff like that.  They were fabulous and I really appreciate her gestures...I may have a problem getting up for work in the morning however, lol.  But I'm getting sidetracked.

Back to the conversation...I sat there trying to explain to her what my problem was and how I was going insane with my life being on repeat.  She at first thought I meant helping her with lil man, but that wasn't it... not by itself.... I never feel like I have a day off.  I'm nonstop all the time.  I'm frustrated because I thought after freaking ten years of working toward my degree--something I've wanted since I can remember, that I was going to feel differently than I do.  It dawned on me in my conversation with Jen when I admitted that now I'm done, I'm scared, I don't know what the fuck happens next.  I no longer have an excuse to apply for a different job and risk the rejection, or the opportunity that may come from it...I'm a chicken shit.

I'm overwhelmed. So much money spent on school, I could bullshit a paper with my eyes closed (which by the way I got an A on my 20 page research paper titled: The GLBT Workplace: Discrimination, Domestic Partner Benefits, and Diversity Awareness, the professor docked me a few points for a couple of formatting issues and citing my sources incorrectly, but said it was well written and he could tell that it was something I was passionate about--who knew passion in writing...) But sit me down to try and crank out a kick ass resume and well I come up short. 

I have books to help, have found online resources to guide me and I come up short.  I don't know what my problem is.  I hate my job these days and want a CAREER...somewhere with growth potential but I freak out when it comes to the resume writing part of the process...let's not even get started on my interviewing skills...I once managed to somehow maneuver the term "crackhead" into a response to an interview question...talk about awkward and obviously didn't get the gig.

I'm dropping the ball at work in that I had to call my boss Friday night after remember that I hadn't called one of my contractors that was off that day  to tell him that we were working ten hour days all week, which means an hour earlier start time...she text me his number today so I could call him... I got distracted on Friday with a buttload of contractor concerns and issues and it slipped my mind.  Not like me at all. 

I feel like everything I touched today turned to shit.  I made dinner: Homemade mac and cheese (the oven kind), hamburger steak, carmelized carrots, applesauce and crescent rolls... I wasn't impressed with anything but the carrots and got pissed off because the eye I was cooking on has a short in it and was only cooking part of the time...

Mandi is in the hospital tonight...she just text me and said: "Wanna talk butt sweat? Try sitting on a puppy pad with no drawls..." lol... I guess tomorrow I'll officially be an aunt.  This will be a happy beginning I hope.  My sister tried for years to get pregnant with her husband and was unsuccessful...a few months with the baby daddy and she got knocked up on accident...so she's excited, we all are.  My sister has wanted a baby more than anything for as long as I can remember... This kid's gonna be awesome and caring and open minded and I've already had the conversation with my sister as to what her reaction will be if the daughter grows up to be a big ol carpet munching lesbian... she sighed... as if to say, eh...I don't want that to happen, but you know I'm going to love her regardless...

I fell on Friday. I opted against a movie or any social settings Friday night...borrowed my mom's Nissan Titan, which when I started it made me miss my Dodge.... and got Mandi's baby daddy to help me load a love seat and busted dresser and haul it to the dump.  In the process I tripped over something upstairs and fell with 90% of my weight on my knee.  It hurt like a bitch and is bruised pretty bad, but I refuse to go to the doctor since I'm still trying to pay off other medical bills and was just thankful I fell where I did as opposed to down the stairs.

It's midnight now and I just realized I haven't waxed, so I'm putting off sleep even longer.

Monday is the big day for me.  I've gotta take control of my life again.  I've decided that over the next few days (after I get a resume written and apply for that job I want...) I'm going to create a new blog...a weight loss blog.  It's not going to be inspirational or life changing, it will probably just consist of how I want _______ so bad I'd be willing to ______ to get it (insert any fatty food with any inappropriate behavior...) and there's the concept behind that blog. 

I'm back at my heaviest ever though and I'm not comfortable in my own skin.  I've got well over 100 pounds to lose, but dammit I'll get there eventually--I just have to stop procrastinating and do it.  Hell, back in high school I was a size 16 and about 190, but I was hourglass curvy... i felt like such a hefer back then but would kill to be back there, lol...  gotta start sometime right.... I'd ultimately like to be around a 10/12...I'd enjoy that I think but I'm going to take it one day at a time...and just do it.  It's not going to happen overnight and I'm the only one that can do it for me. (I am open to suggestions for the name of my weight loss blog...) I'm thinking something along the lines of STILL WEIGHTING... but I dunno.

I cried last night, I cried today.... I've gotta take control of my life back. 

I talked to my dad for a minute at mom's house via skype.  He's somewhere in Germany for the next few weeks....then somewhere else...then kosovo.  I've never been out of the country, much less to Germany.  My mom is from there...and her mom, my great grandmother still lives there in Augsburg....the pics look beautiful...I'd love to learn the language but would probably opt for spanish first as it would benefit me the most in the working world.

I finished an audio book I was listening to in my car: My Horizontal Life by Chelsea Handler...that was some funny shit.  I love anyone who tosses around stories about their vagina or enjoys referring to it as a Beaver (my mom just bought me a shirt at a thrift store that says Oregon: The beaver state... she thought I'd love it...she was right)...she referred to having Vagina elbow, she said, "it's like tennis elbow only you get it from masterbating too much" lol....

I have an actual book that I'm going to read...AND IT'S NOT A TEXTBOOK FOR A CHANGE!!! so I'm kind of stoked about that. I need to stop putting off sleep.  These brows/beard aren't going to wax themselves and tomorrow is still going to get here regardless of my attempts in stalling it.

I wish I could snap out of this weird mood I'm in and stop over analyzing EVERYTHING... I'm just scared. Overwhelmed. Tired. Impatient...etc

I wanna curl up next to Jen and just cry and have her tell me it's all going to be fine and that I'm not this giant loser that I feel like I am. 

I really love the voice of Cat Power.... this sound just really works for me now.  I'm not sure about whats going on in the video i found on you tube, but if anyone has never listed to Cat Power before--you need to hear what I'm talking about.

Friday, September 18, 2009

Empty thoughts and things that make you go hmmm

1. Grandma's Mini Sandwich Cremes (vanilla) are one of my favorite things. They are the devil however in that I eat the whole bag from the vending machine at work which equals like 430 calories and well it goes best with a soda so add another 250 calories to that I'm already over half of the suggested number of calories a day, lol. 

2. Field Hockey and Cheerleader (2 HR people for the client company...) and I were eating lunch the other day in the break room.  The topic of flu shots came up and we were all debating on whether or not to get it or not (the company is paying)... Field hockey shared that the last time she had the flu she was so sick she was laid out on the floor and her boyfriend (now fiance) asked her if she was alright and she responded: "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight." Lol.  That was some funny shit.  That triggered Cheerleader who is at times neurotic about weight loss to ask if she lost any weight from it....Field hockey told her about 10 pounds, but it came back once she was able to keep food down again.... Cheerleader later joked (i think it was a joke) about she wanted to get the flu so I can lose some weight...I had to shake my head to that one.

I can't judge though...I'd like to find a tapeworm on the black market or eBay and start hard core on my weight loss ventures.  I promised myself I'd get serious about losing some weight after school finished and I had one less stressor in my life.... Looks like Monday is going to be a good day to start...Hip Hop Abs here I come, lol.

3. There's this cool ass supervisor I work with...he's ex-navy and way more warped than I could ever hope to be.  It's funny because we are often on the same perverse page when someone says something... He noticed my license plate a few weeks ago and it clicked (and or verified) that I am indeed a fan of the ladies... This opened up a whole new can of worms in the inappropriate shit for us to talk about at work category.  He's got a couple of kids, 11 and 14, and a wife.... I'm easy to talk to--he once confided in me that he was looking for a new job or considering one that he was offered...no biggie... well today, he told me that we need to pencil in a "technique" discussion...Hell it wasn't even 8 this morning I wasn't even fully awake so I was a little slow on the uptake...he meant Oral technique...lol.  He wants me to give him pointers on licking pussy, lol.  That made me laugh my ass off.  A grown man looking for pointers... but I'm not shy...I told him I wasn't willing to demonstrate nor would I draw him a diagram but I could make a few suggestions if he was interested, ha.

I told one of the guys at work (not one of my employees...i'm not that inappropriate) a technique to try a few days later he comes back with:

Him: Dude that thing you told me to do worked
Me: I told you...nice huh...
Him: Hell nah
Me: What are you talking about
Him: Now the bitch wont leave me alone...

Lol.

4. My chin hairs are back with a vengeance... is about that time... waxing, plucking--I've decided that if i let them get long enough I could just close them in a door and turn my head really fast... who am i kidding..>I cant handle these bristlely fuckers any longer...need to do the lip and brows done too...

5. If my sister hasn't gone into labor by Sunday night they are going to admit her...start softening random parts of her anatomy and induce Monday Morning...So I'll definitely be an Aunt by no later than Monday :)

6. I'm tempted to pay the $5 admission to the fair, just so I can go buy a funnel cake....mmmmmm funnel cake.

7. The sign in on the bathroom stall door reads: Please do not put sanitary napkins or heavily used toilet paper in the toilet that may cause a clog (this bothers me every single time I sit down to pee.)... not only is it not worded properly or grammatically, but come on...it should be changed to: HEY YOU DIRTY BITCH...WOULD YOU FLUSH THAT AT YOUR HOUSE AND RISK FUCKING UP THE PLUMBING AND SERIOUSLY IF YOUR ASS IS DIRTY ENOUGH TO REQUIRE HALF A BULK ROLL OF TOILET PAPER THEN BE COURTEOUS AND FLUSH IN BETWEEN WIPES.....

Management

8. For some reason the truck that I learned to drive and was my first vehicle (well that my dad let me use) was an 83 dodge pick up truck has been on my mind.  I Loved that tank/beast of a truck... the horn went off and periodically got stuck when making right hand turns and if you turned too sharply to the left, the passenger side door would fling open and dump your passenger out if they were not belted in.  My brother as a child was rolled out of the truck on five separate occasions, the dumbass still doesn't wear a seatbelt...once on a major highway he rolled out and my dad had to flag traffic to stop while my brother regained his composure  climbed back in the truck, a few times on some hunting paths, various places... oddly enough he never adopted a nickname like road rash or anything... hmmm

9. Long hair amuses me.  Not in the normal sense....but the fact that generally after a weekend of Jen being at my house or one visit from my sister I end up finding rogue long ass hairs in my ass crack and other inappropriate places...talk about a literal, "wild hair"

10. I was just handed a case that has 12 eleven oz. bags of "witches fingers" (aka crunchy cheetos) they are part of the halloween stuff that didn't get shipped out, they expire at the end of october and the distributer doesn't want them back....WOOHOO I heart carbs, lol (I'm going to give most of them away and store some for lil man as well

11. Today is payday and everything was fucked up.  I have three guys with the same last name, the chick who handles the payroll at the main office switched up two of them, so one got underpaid while the other got over paid, someone else's check got mailed (it was supposed to be here at the facility), and just a bunch of other stuff...really, is it time go yet?

12. I'm oddly amped and can't wait to go home and thoroughly clean and organize, I'm talking take curtains down and scrub kind of cleaning, hands and knees with a toothbrush on the bathroom floor kind of shit....oh yeah :)

Granted, I realize that due to paper size restrictions theirs may be more appropriate.

Work and other worthless thoughts

Yesterday (Thursday) was an all around awful day for me.  I had completed the last of all my required assignments late Wednesday night and expected to wake feeling over joyed at the accomplishment of technically finishing school and all associated with it.  But, alas, it felt like a regular day.  No fireworks, no applause, nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular day--I was okay with that.  After submitting my last assignment I emailed the school a copy of the form that I needed to fill out: Request for verification or something like that. 

Basically, they check my financial standing and my grades and give me a yay or nay response, which will be emailed to me in 10-14 business days.  Once approved, I will then be billed the $125 evaluation fee (translation, another way for them to bleed me dry, as if the over 50 grand in student loans I've accumulated over the years, and $400 minimum for text books every 11 weeks for the last two years wasn't enough)...

I missed the deadline for the graduation ceremony, which is okay because I had already announced I wasn't going to walk.  What I am going to do is borrow my sister's cap and gown from her graduation last May...(including tassle), put on my honor's cord that I received for good grades and pose for "fake" grad pictures.  Then, Mom and Mandi are going to hum the graduation march song and I'm going to walk my big ass to the fridge for a nice ice cold beer :) Now that's a plan, lol.  It's not that I'm not excited about graduating, because, trust and believe I'm ecstatic to be finished, but it's not official until I get that yay or nay email...so I'll put off my WOOHOOs until then.

Back to the point...yesterday sucked.  I feel more and more like a babysitter at my job than a supervisor.  I'm a broken record, repeating myself all damn day long because no one fucking listens.  Firing people for no call no shows, writing people up and coaching them for not maintaining the expected performance/production standards, or accuracy issue, attendance issues, etc...gets rather repetitive.  I'm tired of having a job where at the end of the day I don't fee like I've accomplished anything.  I have no impact in my opinion on any aspect.  I can't impact the operations of the client, because they are the client, and I'm just some peon that doesn't know anything...(apparently) and within my own organization I'm trapped and have no impact because I'm just a contractor as opposed to being internal.  I've been here thirteen and a half months and very little I was promised has actually occurred. 

There is this job that I would really like to have.  It's the same basic principles but focuses less on supervising and more on training and implementation, still focusing on safety...I didnt get the nickname Five-O for not being on top of my safety game. (Hey so and so, where's your seatbelt?, Hey dude, this isn't Nascar, slow your roll...etc) This position is open until filled, the pay range is $15000-25000 more than I make now, which granted isn't much at all...is only 12 miles from my house (my job now is only 5 miles away) and is a city/state job which means that I'd be a state employee, with kick ass benefits, paid holidays and sick time, and tuition reimbursement (for when I'm ready to go with my masters)... I just have to pencil in time to update my resume and apply. It's kind of fucked up though...all this schooling and emphasis in business writing and my resume sucks ass....

My boss came to the facility yesterday. She had interviews lined up...more people for me to potentially train, fire, or have quit or just stop showing up in the same week.  I'm saying this all wrong.  I had to sit down and figure if Im the reason this is happening, but even the client company is running into a slew of no call no shoes or people just up and quitting....I'm just not passionate about my role here anymore.  I'm not a die hard person like my boss, who stuck it out doing what I'm doing for 18 months before getting a gig at the main office...(still overseeing me and the account, but with a lot of extra responsibility like recruiting)... I'm not recruiter material.  I don't believe in this client enough to try and get people to work here...sounds horrible huh, but it's the truth....

There is never any negative feedback from the client supervisor/managers to my boss and my bosses boss...but I'm tired of feeling like I'm on a deserted island and invisible.  I need a change.

My boss is still great as a person, it's just that I'm burned out in my position that I'm becoming bitter and that's affecting the way I see a lot of things, work in general, my boss and the way she does things, etc.  I have to type of a list of issues that I'm having with the client supervisors/managers to email her, she'll add to it and send it to her boss and he'll have a meeting with the head honchos for the client next week to try and correct the issues. 

I'm generally non-confrontational... I'd assume play nice and then bitch about the problems later rather than stir shit up right then... mainly because I know it's pointless...That's about to change.

When I leave here in the afternoons is more of a sense of relief than accomplishment...I smoked a cigarette, from my emergency pack (going on three weeks old at this point now I think)....to come down, to relax and center myself....I hate smelling like smoke, but dammit sometimes that "prozac on a stick" is the good shit. 

Since it was Thursday I headed to Jen's house to watch lil man for her... he was whiney which tends to stress me out, but he didn't feel good so I did my best to not get irritated...it wasn't his fault.  I had just had a crappy day, snapped at Jen via text, which I quickly apologized for since it wasn't my intention...and now was trying to snap out of the foul mood I was in. 

Lil man and I built our own pizzas and did his homework...he showered and got into bed on time.  I was attempting to blog and had just got out of the shower myself when he woke up and announced he had to pee.  I was conducting a test run with leaving Pepper with Grandma overnight...(something I've decided I wont' do ever again because she creates reasons to call me when I'm not at home...it gets old.  This morning I had three missed calls from her....The first one was to see if I was home because she heard the dog barking and wanted to know if she needed to get up and let her out....the second was to let me know the dog was outside and the third to verify which bag had dog food in it....(Gee grandma, I dunno, maybe it's the one that says PEDIGREE in like 375 font and has the dog on it)...she then tells me about how the water is looking low...(Grandma, it's 615 in the fucking morning, the dog is not going to drink the remainder of her 5 gallon waterer before I get home this afternoon....when it's low, there is still a gallon in there....for fucks sake lady)...all stuff she knows, but she plays dumb to have reasons to talk to me when I'm not around because she's lonely... how is she going to be when I move out... i'm going to have to change my telephone number for real.

As always, I digress...back to Thursday night with lil man: So he gets up and says he needs to pee, pees, then comes into Jen's room where I was blogging and watching tv putting off much needed sleep and starts crying because he doesn't feel well... I have him come over to me and cuddle with him at which time I realized he was radiating heat and quickly regretted the cuddling portion because it made me start to sweat....he was in and out of crying bouts and sleep when I called Jen, who was on her way home by this point and asked if she had any kids tylenol because I thought lil man had a fever... She didnt so she detoured to get some....She gets home and within three minutes of her being there, he sits up on her bed to get ready to take some medicine when he starts puking all over the bed....Poor guy.  I hop up as quick as possible because anyone who has heard the sound of a kid puking knows they aren't safe and it could end up anywhere....

This awful smell filled the air and Jen had to catch her breath to keep from vomiting herself....he got off the bed and I walked carrying a washcloth in front of his face catching as much vomit as I could...though the majority I think got on my hand and started running down my arm...Jen helped him in the bathroom, I washed my hands and peeled the sheets, mattress cover, and comforter off the bed...he had managed to saturate all three with puke...fun.  The smell was not pleasant by any means and I was thankful that I don't have a weak stomach.

I walk past Jen with the pile of sheets and comforter and hear her request that I get as much of the chunks out before washing it.... wow this just gets grosser and grosser... (I flashed back to last week when I had butt wiping detail and this week where I'm touching vomit with my bare hand and adding harassing her about this later to my mental to do list)... What fun.

He just had sour stomach and a head ache it seemed... all of a sudden he has tons of energy post shower.... everything short of running laps and telling his mom about the words he had written during homework.  Jen looks at me and says babe, you should be asleep, if you need to go home, I understand.... I stayed... I wasn't sure that I'd be able to keep my eyes open long enough to drive home... so no need to risk it.  I was overly tired and didn't sleep well... at 1:30 this morning I woke up to Jen tossing sheets on me...the comforter still wasn't dry, so the two of us had been sharing a throw blanket (which I'm sure I hogged the majority of being as I like sleeping in the fetal position with everything but my head covered, blankets up to my neck and strategically tucked and one foot poked out, but not uncovered allowing air to circulate...) I made comment about how I was going to be hating life tomorrow.... Jen said, "just don't hate my son..." Like I could do that...I threw her a weird look and passed out.

Five thirty rolled around rather quickly and up and motivated I was.  Out the door in time to make a run to Chic fil-a for a chicken egg and cheese biscuit (I had planned this while still at work on Thursday and was determined to stick to the plan... plus some coworkers had already made requests for what they wanted.)...

Then work, more drama, more No call no shows, more resignations without notice...etc...fun

I was going to go see a movie tonight since it's been weeks since the last one I've seen....but I'm thinking a nap curled up with Chino and Pepper trumps this desire....and perhaps clean the upstairs tonight since I have to do grandmas part of the house tomorrow.  I was going to take Jen and lil man to the Isle of Wight Co. Fair but think I'll wait a month and take them to the Suffolk Peanut Fest instead....Though, I think Clarence Carter, the guy that sings "strokin" is supposed to perform at the Isle of Wight Fair tonight....I dunno...not that eager right now, maybe after some sleep sometime this weekend we'll stroll that way on Sunday, for now rest is in the lead for things to do.

Thursday, September 17, 2009

Pics of the kids :)



nom nom nom--Pepper working on her bone (she ate half of it and hid the other half upstairs somewhere...the last one was found in the chair cushion, the one before that...in my bed, gnarled up in the covers...yum.)




Meow Meow (which I pronounce M-ow, M-ow) Chino responds to it, I think he thinks it's his name...Jen took this pic from the porch looking in...




Chino the handsome kitty




Pepper lays out in front of the cotton field

 

Can you guess whose been diggin'?





Please let me go outside...I won't get rabies or run away, I promise...Please mom, please...

The Country a la Tommy


This is the old barn behind the house.  It needs to be knocked down the rest of the way...the next hurricane is sure to do the work for us...lord knows what kind of creatures are living in there...
 
The Cedar tree... grows right next to a gigantic pecan tree... there's another cedar tree at the end of the lane...I can't help it, I'm amused by their beauty, but scared to walk too far under them due to the spiders that love to call it home...

 
The orchard... lots of fruit treas and a field on either side...the deer LOVE this spot... and Pepper LOVES chasing the deer... luckily they are faster than her to avoid a hoof to the head...

 
Blood Lillies... they are like fireworks on a stem :) I LOVE these...they grow right on the other side of the deck

 
The concord grape vine... (with a giant weed/bush growing in the middle) I don't fuck with these on account of the spiders that call it home (noticing a theme here)?

 
Cotton surrounds the house...I thought it was soybeans, but it's obvious now that I was wrong... I can't tell the difference between soybeans, cotton, or peanuts... corn however, I got that... lol

 
A part of the driveway...

 
This building and its identical twin are on each side of the driveway... me, my sister, and brother always referred to them as the "guard towers" growing up... The one pictured here actually houses the generator, the other...I couldn't tell you... 

 
The white trash section of the yard, lol...
Anyway, as you can tell, this post has no relevance, just felt like sharing...

Gardening

I have discovered that I actually do enjoy gardening.  (Wasn't expecting that one)  It turns out that the thought of spiders, still scares the shit out of me, snakes do the same, and hell even a hyper cricket or two has made me near piss myself on several occasions... Turns out I just needed some gloves... Gloves make it all sort of better.  The thought of some random creature still increases my anxiety level, but overall gardening is a winner (though I'm not at the point where I'd spend ALL of my free time doing it...screw that.

 
My lil flower bed, before (used to be an old smoke house, we tore it down years ago...)

 
Before, continued

 
Jen caught lil man and I in action...he was diggin holes while I pulled weeds...

 
It still needs some mulch but this is a pretty decent After in my opinion.  Gma bought eight medium size mums that I planted yesterday after work... a storm was coming in, one of my favorite things...fall type weather, with a storm rolling in, the sun hides, and the breeze picks up and the smell of rain fills the air...

Monday, September 14, 2009

Oh yeah...that's the spot

While at mom's house last night, lil man asked Jen to scratch his back.  she lifts up his shirt to scratch directly on his back--she hit's the spot that was itchin' and he loudly says, "Oh yeah right there, right there, don't stop, oh yeah right there that's the spot" type of thing... Jen and I look at each other... she smiles, put her hand on her hip, tilted  her head...and informs me that aside from bursting her ear drums some evenings, I may be loud enough to wake lil man out of a dead sleep... (total coincidence in my opinion, that kid sleeps through most anything and across the hall, lol)

I hang my head in shame, but what does she want me to do...she always finds the right spot(s)--its not my fault those spots are directly connected to my vocal chords.  Guess I'll have to keep it down in the future...

Monday Memories...

Writing the blog I just finished titled Totem Pole made me remember a cartoon that used to come back in the 80s...I couldnt remember the name, but after some research discovered a clip



THE PAW PAW BEARS, LOL....

I love 80s cartoons.  Some of my favorites were as follows:

THE GUMMI BEARS ranked high...I loved mama bear with her scruffy voice....



 TOM AND JERRY a classic



JEM AND THE HOLOGRAMS--dude I used to have a Jem doll with the light up earrings...I don't know why I loved this show....now it just looks dumb, but hey it is what it is



SHE-RA I remember I had a shera doll to and if you looked into the jewel on her chest you could see cool shit...I was so pissed off when I was about 7 and my sister shut the truck door on shera and crumbled her to bits...all that was left was blonde hair...



I was also a fan of HE-Man seeing as my brother wouldn't let us girls take over the tv all the time...as well as, Fraggle Rock, Snorks, etc...Beavis and Butthead and Ren and Stimpy later in life (neither of which my mom approved of because they were socially unacceptable so I would sneak and watch them...) She never let me watch the Simpsons either...but I could live without them anyway

Those were the cool cartoons...Spongebob and shit just can't compete in my opinion.

Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

Sunday, September 13, 2009

Sneaky surprises

I kept telling Jen that I wasn't able to stay on Thursday night, despite taking Friday off because Gma had concerns about taking care of Pepper all Thursday and Friday too... She got off of work Thursday night after I had been at her place helping her with lil man and had a few surprises...

I had rearranged her room to unblock the chi and to see her reaction honestly (she loved it, though it's not completely organized yet because I didn't want to dig through all her shit...she'll need to know where everything is.)

A few other things were up my sleeve as well....You see I had arranged for my mom to watch Pepper so that Gma would fret and piss my mom off by calling her with some made up story about Pepper getting into something she shouldn't or whatever...I took Pepper to mom's house on Wednesday night.  I packed my bag, put it in the trumk.  After work Thursday I headed to Jens, according to plan.  I did all my "good deeds" while she was at work and when she got home, she was expecting me to go--but I didn't.  I stayed at her place for the first time in MONTHS...I'd stay more but her roommate won't allow pets and I can't leave Pepper for that long.  I was so stealthy in my mind...I even blogged prior to talking about how I'd be unable to stay.

It was a nice surprise I'd say and I always sleep so good in her bed next to her.  Three great things...A beautiful woman, a mattress constructed from sheer ecstasy, and being relaxed after some dirty kinky fun (funny how i say that even with it's the more soft sensual sex stuff, ha)...

I got up on Friday earlier than planned because lil man came in the bedroom and was like, Tommy Tommy, Wanna see my bus...he was stoked so I couldn't refuse.  I had a bowl of Trix while I waited...had my retinas burned out when I opened the door to see him get on the bus...I got a kick out of the fact that he needed to poop two seconds before the bus got there.  He was quick and I got ass wiping duty while Jen waited at the door in case the bus got there before he was done....pants up and out the door just in time...I couldn't help but laugh.

Off I went to work on my paper.  I'm proud to announce that after 14 hours of work I completed my pseudo-masterpiece: The GLBT Workplace: Discrimination, Domestic Partnership Benefits, and Diversity Awareness on the Job was complete.  There were a few hours spent taking a break and stretching my ass which had become quite tired of sitting.  Saturday brought another 14 hour paper writing spree.  This time a business plan for my fake business called Different Strokes, Inc.--a Diversity Awareness Consulting Firm...
That one I'll be happy to get a C on...I'm burned out.  Jen did help me out a great deal when I couldn't figure something out in Excel to save my life and she comes over and is all like...oh just do it this way...wow, wish I would have just asked you like an hour ago so I wouldnt have spent so much time trying to figure shit out.

Sunday, was another three and half hours spent doing the rest of my homework that was due by midnight.  Then I weeded the flowerbed (a project I had hoped to complete a week earlier)--it was actually refreshing.  I borrowed some gloves from mom so I didnt have to worry so much about touching spiders directly...no snakes, THANK GOD, and only one gigantic spider (like the one that tried to eat me that day, Don't touch me) so, the mums are now planted.  Yay.

A trip to moms to find Mandi had drank half a bottle of Castor Oil in an attempt to induce labor...weird.  Grandma put me over the edge, but I was still polite.  I feel like i haven't had a single day off despite it being the weekend.  I just have to make it through this last week of Finals and I'm done...then I can sleep and sleep and sleep....dammit...i was going to go to bed early...i'm exhausted.  It's 11:30 already, still have to walk the dog and then get up at 5:30 FUCK ME.

Grandma's going overboard

I love this lady but she is turning me into someone that I am not.  I'm always on the defense with it comes to her.  She's the sweet lil old lady one minute and a complete bitch the next.  She has developed this new way of accusing me of things without directly saying that I did them.  For example, today a lid wouldn't fit on the tupperware container she was putting leftovers in.  She mentioned to Jen how the dishwasher was ruining all of her stuff.  Jen tells me this and I asked Jen if it was one of the white bowls...she didn't know.

Later, Grandma mentioned it to me and I told her I bet it was one of the white bowls wasn't it...the lids haven't gone on easy in all the freakin' years I've lived here.  So then I got a lecture about how that her tupperware was made in the days before dishwashers so even though they say dishwasher safe (yes ladies and gentlemen--they say it on the bottom) I'm fucking them up by putting them in the dishwasher, even on the top rack because I mean what else could it be...it probably has NOTHING to do with the fact that they were the first bowls to ever come off the tupperware assembly line...jesus lady.

Later, she brought up that the plant on the sunroom porch had ruined the carpet underneath (something I told her about last year, but became apparent again when my uncle overwatered it a couple of weeks ago.  She has decided that the bottom part (which holds the overflow water) is cracked.  Okay, I'll agree to that. Here's where it gets better...it was most likely cracked when it got moved...one of the MANY times it's been moved over the years...she put extra emphasis on the many.... (i'm the only one who has moved it ever)...

Again the crack couldn't be attributed to the fact that the fucking plant is so big (she got it as a wedding present over 55 years ago) and it weighs like over 100 pounds... it's weight alone could have cracked it...who knows, but yep, I'm being blamed for it.

She got into this habit because I clean out the fridge on the regular.  She is famous for cooking shit that is bad and I don't enjoy food poisoning or botchilism (sp?)  She made sausage gravy biscuits one morning with RANCID sausage.  But because she had pulled it from the freezer there's no way it could be bad (the label on the freezer bag said, 1974)  JESUS CHRIST LADY....

If I'm not home when she cooks, I don't eat.  There's weird shit in the fridge like squirrel for instance.  (Which I actually helped skin, fucking grossest experience of my life)... I've tried squirrel before, (and rabbit, and turtle, and frog, etc....) I'm from the country, but I'm not Country... I'll eat the hell out of some deer meat though, if its cooked right...but i digress.  This lady is trying to kill me... I know it. On the plus side, I've eaten so much weird shit, I'm bound to have built up some sort of freakish immunity to many things..I guess time will tell.

For now, my goal is getting through this last week of classes, updating the resume and finding a job that will pay me enough to be able to pay rent...Folks think i have a sweet deal happening here with not having to pay rent and all...but at this point if feels more like I sold my soul to the devil for a free place to leave.  This place has it's perks...but I can't take it much longer.  It's gonna break gma's heart and I don't want to do that...but for my own sanity I've gotta do what I've gotta do.