My latest plan

I'm going to create a weight loss blog. No, not a gimmicky do this do that type of thing but I'm going to track my progress via blog. I'm going to vent about bad days and wanting to eat like EVERYTHING...and what not but I'm also going to proudly share my accomplishments...I dunno...I want to inspire others, but not as much as I'd like to inspire myself...

This is going to be good. I'm excited. I have a new haircut (buzz cut) which symbolizes new beginnings and a clean slate and Effective May 1 (tomorrow) my plan goes into effect. Lots to do lots to do...I'M SO TOTALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

Jen is going to make some lifestyle changes as well, but its her body and I think she's sexy as she is. I just want her to be happy, just like I want to feel comfortable with myself for a change...I'm tired of being the fat girl with the great personality...I want to be the confident girl with the great personality. Jen is very supportive of this which makes me a lil less anxious...

The downer is that I have years of deprogramming to do. Years of habits to break. But I can do this...I will do this...and I will be successful.

Wish me luck.

Fear or not to fear

What am I afraid of these days?

1. Not coming up with money in time to make my first car payment...
2. my hours not picking up at work (I really love my job and I want it to last at least until I finish my degree)
3. Being broke ALL the time
4. Losing Jen because I'm so stressed out all the time (which takes away from her being the center of my world)
5. That I made a huge mistake quitting the hair gig
6. That I'll be a failure (at anything and everything)
7. That Jen will forget about me now that she has a new gaming system (LOL).

Things that I'm excited about:
1. I'm going to be an aunt
2. Jen is a wonderful sexy understanding and awesome person
3. Jen and I went out and did gay things (we went to watch lesbo softball games in Norfolk on Sunday) It felt fabulous being around folks like us and not have to worry about anything, except the heat...
4. I have a wonderful family
5. Grandma is close enough that I can see her everyday
6. I'll be graduating September and will have my bachelors degree FINALLY

Things that I need to remember:

in the words of my grandma: THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and in the words of Jen...IT ALWAYS GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER...(i just hope it doesnt get much worse before it gets better....)

Well pepper needs to pee and considering I overslept for work this morning...i need to get to bed soon...not trying to get fired the rest of the way. I'm taking a deep breath now....and exhale

why i love her

So Jen and I both have some sort of creepin crud... perhaps the swine flu, lol...

We both have this dry persistent nonproductive cough...and its driving her bonkers. I bought some alkaseltzer to loosen the shit up in our chests and "quiet" the cough...

Well she's over in the chair playing with her new Nintendo DS (she's so spoiled when it comes to her electronics) I'm watching Pretty Woman, cuddling with Pepper and catching up on stuff on the computer...

Well to get to the point of the blog...Jen has been putting off taking this alka seltzer for like an hour now...she takes one swallow and then dry heeves....her reaction to things can be so animated sometimes and I don't know why but it makes me laugh from the inside out when she does that dry heeving thing.

I farted once and she walked into it and did the same thing and I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. That my dears is one reason why I love her.

such a quitter

Well I quit the hair gig already. I couldnt handle being the "white girl" that wasn't making any money because the "ethnic" clients refuse to let me touch their hair...what the fuck really. Anyway there is just too much going on.

Grandma was moved to a nursing home today where she can be taken care of while her leg heals. I miss that crazy lady. I always talk shit about how she nags me and finds all kinds of stuff for me to do that i dont have time for, but dammit I miss her. Pepper is in mourning, Chino kitty doesn't understand what in the hell is going...we all miss her. Jen has commented several times how quiet the house is without her here...is eerie really.

I'm bummed about the situation. I went tonight to see her and took Jen and Julie with me...after I cooked dinner of course. I generally only cook huge meals when I'm stressed out. I made a meatloaf from scratch (two actually, I took one to my moms house), mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and homemade apple crisp. Didn't hit the spot though....still things on my mind. Grandma was sleeping when we got there and I didnt have the heart to wake her. I'm going to go when I get off of work and review the obituaries with her, morbid but she likes to stay in the know when it comes to her friends croaking. She also likes to not see her name in there...that's how she knows she's still alive and what not...

It's going to be a really long time before she gets home...I'll just hold down the fort in the mean time...keep her in your prayers ya'll.

I think tomorrow I'm going to have take a curling iron and fix her hair for her...that will cheer her up I hope, she's quite depressed right now.

It's because I'm white

So I found out tonight that my waterproof mascara was a scam and not actually waterproof. It smeared down my face after crying my eyes out on the phone to Jen. You see, what had happened was:

I worked my second day in the salon. I'm the only white girl in a salon whose clientele is predominately ethnic. No biggie, I was brought in to do mainly walkins anyway--besides I did mainly ethnic hair when I was in beauty school (granted that was several years ago)...

So anyway it was a shitty day anyway. Grandma is gonna be in the hospital for at least a month (on the low side), my uncle's cat had to be put down because when he woke up this morning he couldn't walk and it turns out he had a brain disease (RIP Fred), then I leave one job and go to another (the hair gig), I made seven dollars in tips, yes seven during an 8.5 hour shift and eight patrons...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. To top it off I was doing this girls hair and everything was fine and to her liking until her mom walked in and flipped the fuck out because a white girl was doing her daughters hair..."I mean I'm no professional but I could do a better job than that at home..." long story short, I spent time in my day doing hair, but because Im white and she flipped out, I didn't even get paid for the services rendered. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK.

Then I get to my mom's house to get my dog because my uncle (not the cool one related to the fred story) is not dependable and even though he said he was going to walk Pepper for me but turns out he didnt...then his wife came to the house but forgot to walk the dog. How do you forget to let a barking dog out of her kennel and put her back. I'm fucking pissed.

Everything is bumming me out, I'm overly tired and I need a second job to pay my bills but I'm going to go broke and crazy working at this salon. I'd be better off flipping burgers seriously. I'm scared shitless, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pay my bills without a second job and I'm super scared about the unknown. Right now I don't know much of anything. I'm just spread too thin right now. Way too thin. I can't do school, and work two jobs and do everything else thats going on. I'm going crazy. I really am.

I want to wake up tomorrow and be independently wealthy. I just want everything to be simple and okay. I just don't know what to do...do I quit or do I stick it out?

Grandma Fell

So long story short grandma fell. She was leaving her meeting this morning, going down the ramp and her walker got away from her...she must have been going too fast and fell down the ramp. She broke her femur and was getting prepped for surgery between nine and ten tonight. When I talked to her earlier she was out of it, you could tell her morphine was working, lol. She said, "Hey dollbaby, I'm sorry but I'm not gonna make it home for supper..." Lol then proceeded in offering me stuff that was in the fridge FROM THE EFFIN HOSPITAL...broken femur, doped up on morphine, awaiting surgery, and still pushing food.

Really lady...I obviously don't have an eating disorder...I'm far from starving. Hope she's gonna be okay. I'm sort of kind of freaking out.

HOORAY!!!

Jen comes home tomorrow :) Yay!!!

Funny day today... Got the hair gig. I start on Monday after my other job. Very cool. Julie let me cut her hair for my "technical interview"...I cut her hair a little shorter than she wanted but she didn't call me out in front of the manager so that was pretty kick ass :) It looks good just below her shoulders but the shortest she's had it in a long time.

Saw Haunting in Conneticut, freaky movie, but not bad. On the way into Suffolk I had been trying to tell Julie about the song that was stuck in my head yesterday...how bout I pulled a cd out of my case that said BOOBIES...it was one Barb had burned me the night we went to the strip club and I bought her a lap dance (which ended up with a stripper doing a head stand in her lap making farm animal noises and smoking all of her cigarettes :) also the same night that some old guy shoved a one dollar bill down my cleavage and said "yeah...make out with her..." type shit and I calmly removed it, handed it back and told him "not going to happen dude" keep your dollar before I find somewhere to shove it...

Anyway number five on the cd was: Gucci Crew II: Sally (that girl) SHUT UP...how exciting...Perhaps I'm way too easily amused...but I was stoked

So anyway...Julie, Flea, Chico, and are all gonna hang out here in a bit... I'm drinking a Shock top (pretty decent beer) and getting ready to do homework... almost five o'clock Saturday....almost time.

A better day

Today was a better day for me. Don't get me wrong, it started rather shitty, as it normally does when I step into work. I made my rounds and talked to my handful of contractors that were there...went to the 8:45 meeting, gained nothing from it (not out of the ordinary)... I made the normal call to my boss and decided to meet up with her and another coworker and have lunch...mmm....mexican (the perfect thing sense I've been fiending my own personal mamasita caliente, lol)...but what to do until then?

I warehoused it and went back on the floor and hung out on the inbound receiving dock and helped my guys unload some furniture. Fucking heavy shit, but fun nonetheless. Before I knew it I had my guys asking me all kinds of shit, like I was one of the fellas...the had decided that I'm black, just undercover or something. They think its fabulous that I'm gay though they have those normal smart ass things to say such as, "I bet I eat pussy better than you..." and then try and get me to agree to going down on their girls and they go down on mine... I put them in their places and inform them I'm not that kind of girl and I have nothing to prove...yada yada. Discuss some more shit that is totally inappropriate for work, but fun nonetheless. The guys told me that I made their day by coming back there...they were weak... its amusing to me that they were surprised about some of the shit that I know... I'm full of useless knowledge. One of them got a song stuck in my head cuz he said half a lyric and I finished it and his jaw dropped, "what do you know about that he asked...I just chuckled."

http://www.rhapsody.com/album/shakin-booty/sally-that-girl/lyrics.html (Gucci Crew II, Sally (that girl) take a listen if you don't remember it, lol

SO anyway had a kickass burrito, AND got a call back from the salon. I have to go do my technical interview tomorrow afternoon. My friend Julie has volunteered to let me give her a trim for it. So that's cool. Took another long ass nap...did a lil homework, changed my haircolor and relaxed. Talked to Jen a bit off and on and I still miss the shit out of her.

For now, its time for bed, wake up, do the work thing, the interview thing, the homework thing and shit all over again and kill time until Saturday at Five when I pick up mamasita caliente from the aeropuerto, lol.

A much better day today.

Strange

It's strange to me being so completely in love.

Relationships I've been in in the past I used to hope and pray for some opportunity to come about so that I could have a break from the other person. I wanted them to go out of town for work, go and see their family, ANYTHING and everything just to leave me the hell alone sometimes and give me my space.

I am experiencing for the first time something new. When Jen told me she had to go out of town for a work convention I didn't think much of it. I figured I'd be too busy to notice or I'd just do some me things and keep it moving with no second thought. What I'm finding instead is that I feel like a piece of me is missing.

I don't like admitting shit like that because that means that I'm vulnerable and that her love has some type of power over me which in the long run would mean that she in a way renders me powerless, no matter how much control I want tend to "pretend to have". (what it boils down to is I'm a control freak. I like to think that I'm in control of my emotions and my surroundings and my life and admitting things like this just prove even more that I'm by no means in control of much of anything).

In this situation it's okay. I'm okay with this feeling. I like being a "bitch" to her love. Lol. But seriously, I need Saturday to hurry up and get here. I just want to hug her and hold her and curl up with her and be in her arms. I can't talk openly with her on the phone right now because I don't want to upset her in between her meetings or have her worrying about me. It's one thing for me to just miss her and want to be selfish with her time, but I'm not willing to have her not enjoy herself while she's gone. I mean it's Vegas for shit's sake. Suck it up and be a big girl Tommy, she'll be back soon.

Caged Bird

I was walking through the warehouse this morning and noticed a bird had flown in and was trapped. I made a phone call to one of the ops manager and told him there was a bird in the warehouse and asked if I could open one of the side doors to try and let it out and was denied my request. The door nearest the bird was an alarmed door and an alarm would have sounded had I opened it so I had to "follow the rules."

I became almost instantly bummed out. I quietly stood there watching and thought, "dude get ahold of yourself, it's just a bird...stop being overly sensitive." That's when it dawned on me. I could relate to what the bird was going through.

Here is this bird in a 1.7 million square foot facility (the size of seven football fields), all this space and "pretend" freedom, but ultimately trapped. No open doors, the doors that were opened were blocked by containers or trailers and with the size of the facility, the odds of the bird finding a way out before it starved to death or before it flew into something would lead to its demise were much greater than the chance of freedom itself.

I'm a caged bird. I work in an environment that in theory is spacious and full of opportunity and yet I'm trapped. I'm not appreciated and I no longer see myself as having a purpose when I'm there.

I don't know--I miss the enjoyment and fulfillment I once had with my job. So much promise, so many possibilities. Now, empty promises, no guarantees, disappointment around every turn.

I try to stay positive but it gets harder everyday. Last week my hours were cut from 45 down to 22.5... I told myself, no biggie, I'll get a second job to supplement my income.... I deal with ops managers daily that don't value me because I'm not "one of them"--In their eyes, I'm just the chick associated with the "temps." First of all, I don't supervise temps, I supervise contractors, hell I'm one myself... We aren't even deemed normal citizens in this place... no value whatsoever unless there is a great deal of call out from their permanent people.

I don't know. I understand that things aren't necessarily always kosher in the business world, but really what it boils down to right now is that my job is a total downer. All I do is call people and tell them that there is no work, or that their assignments have been ended. I don't have a problem firing people if they've violated a policy or I've coached them on an issue and they don't correct the problem, but I hate firing folks because the economy is shitty, or there's no work, or any of those reasons that just suck and are out of all control.

I know that sometimes I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and that worrying about things that I have no control over shouldn't be on my to do list, but I can't help it sometimes. I want everything to work out for everyone, for all of my contractors, not just myself...

I really am trying to stay positive, truly, but when I saw that bird this morning I honestly felt like I could feel what it was feeling. SCARED SHITLESS. I couldn't even call Jen back this morning when I missed her call because I knew I would have broke down and I didn't want to cry at work. I'm unsure of everything. I'm trying to be all smiles and not let the fact that the uncertainties are winning show, but everyone has moments where they just can't fake it anymore. I am scared shitless. I just hope that freedom comes my way before I fly into the proverbial wall that leads to my demise.

Painting #2

I painted AGAIN!!! I wanted to paint something that could kind of go with the one that I did for Jen's birthday but as I kept going...it kept changing. Now I have a painting I'm quite happy with, but I'm not sure who to give it to. I'm sure I'll figure it out...



I need to get some more canvases and some additional paints and keep going...I wanna paint something fabulous (I'm getting a little tired of the flowers...) I actually have a huge project brewing in my head...so if I get the opportunity to work on that here before too long...it's gonna be on like DONKEY KONG...beotch.

Good times. Good times.

The results

I went to the interview...I didn't get the gig because they have a new procedure where salon managers are only allowed to hire stylists that already have a following... so part of me wishes that she had just asked me that on Friday when she called, but it's cool...she loved me and wants me to come back once I have clients (like I have clients, but I'm not going to make the folks that I already do hair for come to a salon and pay triple or whatever of what I charge them, plus then I don't get as much of the money...

I'm going to call the manager I spoke to last week and see if she still has a need for part to fulltime help. I'll just have to suck it up and work Saturdays...no I don't want to but after thinking about it, I realized that Jen works Saturdays anyway so I don't see her until after than anyway, so I could work anytime during the day or night and still not miss out...Gotta do what I gotta do.

It's all gonna work out. Fo shizzle.

How did I not know?

Awe... my very first mullet....wtf? Funny though...nonetheless...

Look below...How did I NOT know that I was gonna grow up and be gay? Lol. Thinking back on things it all makes perfect sense now...

This is like the most butch picture of me EVER, lol. I'm way too easily amused right now...GOOD TIMES.

random

I'm starving.

My nails look hideous.

My upper lip hurts because of this fucktard zit that I'm about to start charging rent.

Nine minutes before I get out of this hell hole... then off to the interview....

Then I can get food....mmmm food. Chick Fil-a sweet tea would so totally rock my world right now. Of course so would food in general and a mountain dew.

Put on a happy face.

Don't think about Jen being gone for almost a whole week (no cuddling, no sex, just texts and phone calls when applicable across a couple of time zones...) FUCK. don't think about it.

Ignore your urge to pick at the giant zit...LEAVE IT ALONE...

Go pee before driving to interview...

Did I put on deodorant?

I need to buy the winning lottery ticket tonight...It'll only take a dollar...

Oh the things I would do with money...

I think i might cut peppers hair...like clipper her fur down pretty short...I dont want her to look like she has mange though....give this more thought.

Gotta pee.

Myspace

I think I'm going to delete my myspace account. I just don't find it as fun as I used to and I really only like the blogging aspects...now I'm blogging here all the time, so what's the point of myspace.

One thing I am thankful for though is that because of Myspace...a super hot chick that I thought was straight at first totally found me and lured me in :) That was several months ago... I have her in real life so... why keep up the myspace... Ya feel me.

Nerves

I have an interview at 1 o'clock today. I'm trying to get a full time hair gig to do after my now part time warehouse job. I got up this morning, did my hair and make up, was pissed because the zit that I had been picking at yesterday had doubled in size and refused to be covered by makeup, fuck it I'ma rock it...picked out a semi-decent business casual outfit, since jeans/t-shirt warehouse attire just isn't going to cut it in the salon environment....gave jen a kiss good bye...wished I could just stay in bed with her all day since its rainy and gross and headed to work.

Now, I'm being annoyed by every fucking thing it seems. More dealing with unorganized know nothing fuckers that can't make up their minds what they want as far as staffing goes and apparently don't listen when I make announcements like I did last week about how I'm only here until 12 and have to make the calls prior to yada yada yada...

I'm mad at the color I picked for my fingernails last night...what the hell was I thinking, I'm so not a pinkish kind of purple, I should have gone with OPI inked instead...a deep purple thats almost blackish...thats more my style...

My feet hurt and i dont know that I want to work for a salon that requires your wardrobe to be black, white, or khaki... I NEED COLOR... I need to stand out and be me, and not be stifled...but for right now, I NEED A BIGGER PAYCHECK.

I'm considering calling the other lady to see if she has any full time positions available, just take one for the team and do what I gotta do....

I'm nervous. I'm tired. I'm ancy, and I have to give my mom a perm tonight, cut my dad's hair, and potentially my sisters....not going to be an early night tonight either.

Exhausted

So yesterday after my long 4.5 hour day of work, lol...I got home, cleaned grandma's part of the "mansion" and our shared spaces (washed sheets on her bed and the guest bed, remade them, cleaned three bathrooms top to bottom, her bedroom, the guest bedroom, then cleaned the living room, kitchen, sunroom, utility room, etc etc, did some dishes, cleaned the filters on grandma's high tech air purifiers, took seven bags of trash to the dump and let pepper ride with me--I'm excited I got all the fuckers to fit in my car to be honest with you...gassed up the car, got home, cleaned my part of the "mansion" aka my quasi apartment upstairs top to bottom, did two loads of laundry and even put them away and sprayed the dog with doggy cologne....) my feet hurt and I'm fucking tired.

Jen is on her way to the airport being chauferred by my mom, lol. She's going to be gone until Saturday...its weird...like I'm going to miss the shit out of her, though Im sure I'll be too busy to be noticably miserable if that makes sense.

Classes started yesterday. BUS 490: Business Policy, POL 300: Contemporary International Problems, and SOC 300: Sociology of Developing Countries mark three of my last six classes to finish my bachelors. I'm almost there but damn there's going to be alot of writing assignments for the next 11 weeks...eh...that's how it goes.

I fixed a turkey sandwich for breakfast this morning and glass of OJ (everytime I say or think the word sandwich the memory that comes to mind is how my sister asked me when I was in like third grade and she was in second how to spell sandwich because I was the better speller and I told her S-A-N-D-W-I-T-C-H, which I'm sure at the time was a logical response but I remember how livid she was the next day after she lost points on her assignment for spelling it wrong, lol. Random...anyway, I'm just now drinkin the OJ, had to add some ice to it to make it pleasurable...now if I just had some Vodka...I'd be in biznazz.

Organized Chaos

I like to consider myself as organizationally chaotic. Sure...doesn't make a great deal of sense but for those that know me, they kind of get what I'm trying to say. What makes me teeter over the edge (well one of the things) is piss poor planning and complete and total fucking chaos.

My name is Tommy and I work with a bunch of FUCKING idiots. I already didn't want to come into work this morning (I was a little tired to say the least since my girlfriend is a rockstar and wore me out...but that's not appropriate discussion for the moment, lol) really the only reasons I didn't call out is that I don't have another job lined up yet to where I can just say fuck this one completely and it was payroll day. I needed to fax in my timecard as well as verify hours for my contractors and ensure that they get paid as well.

Well anyway, I get the information that I need from Various ops managers as to their staffing requirements, get back to the office and call my boss to fill her in on everything and then make my phonecalls. Only for fifteen minutes after the calls are made to get a call from the worst ops manager in the buiding (as far as being a complete and total know nothing peckerhead) informing me that his forecast had changed and he now needed all of his contractors as opposed to none (which is what he had quoted earlier).

Back on the mother fucking phone to deal with people who are already pissy because of a fucked up work (or no work situation) and what happens...well they assume that I'm a jackass that can't make up my mind (they don't see the bigger picture where I'm just the fucking messenger all the damn time).

I hate having to wait on other mother fuckers to do their jobs before I can fucking do mine.

Really... give me that guys $60 to $75,000 paycheck and I'll do his fucking job right. FUCKety FUCK FUCK stupid mother fuckin bastards...

Are you fucking kidding me, the fucker just called me back and wanted me to call someone else for him...Oh, I'm sorry stupid mother fucker, I already called that guy in for you since you can't count and you don't even know who is still on the active list to come in and work for you....Boy am I glad it's time to fucking go.

Fuck me in the ass sideways. (no not literally)

Maybe I'm a softie?

So, it turns out there is a good chance that I'm just a big effin' softie. I was at work today (at a job that I no longer enjoy waking up and going to...the kind where you dread getting out of bed and think FUCK ME... I don't wanna go--a few months ago I still loved my job but lately its taken a toll on me...) But I digress...

I was walking the floor to verify the attendance of my contractors, a few had forgotten to clock in so I was seeing if they were here before I called and fired them for a no call no show... I see one of my contractors on an F4 (sit down forklift--called the F4 because it has four wheels...clever right, not to be confused with its standup version cousin the F3 which has three wheels)...I walk over because I'm almost positive that this guy is not qualified/certified to operate this piece of equipment. He hops down and I can tell by the look in his face that he knows he's busted...

On a normal day I would have escorted him out of the building and terminated him on grounds of a safety violation, but today was different. I coached him on a safety violoation, put him on a documented final warning and explained to him that if he is caught even so much as sitting or standing on a piece of equipment that he is not certified to operate he will be terminated on the grounds of a safety violation. I explained why we have so many safety rules in place and what not--Its kind of a judgement call because they sign something coming in the door that states that they can be fired for safety violations among a lengthy list of various other things...

But lets face it, I've had to let go of enough people this week and my hours were cut as well... I'm known as Five-o around here because I'm like the cops and shit when it comes to safety but hell even the cops have to take a day off from time to time. I am confident I made the right decision.

On a side note the things I still love about my job are some of the people... I had one guy come up to me the other day and say "No offense, but will you be my baby mama" (he was just kidding and knows that I'm very gay, lol and in a fabulous relationship, but the off the wall comment made me laugh) Another dude is like "Loco" which he mentions everyday as it's his favorite drink...however after my experiences with JOOSE I'ma have to just say no to the Loco, lol.

Well time to go... I'm effing starving

I think we're dead

So this is a totally old video at this point...but I find myself thinking about it when I need a good laugh. Actually, it makes me almost pee my pants, no matter how many times I watch it--I can't help it, apparently I'm easily amused :0)

Pepper Puppy

There are many things I love in life... Exceptionally high on this list is my dog Pepper. She is about 13 months old now and she LOVES the beach. She went down to Hatteras with me, Jen, and lil man this past weekend... she's always loved the sand...but this time was different--she got in the water for her first time EVER!!! It was so cute watching her and lil man play in the water. What a fabulous dog :)

My muse

I haven't painted since high school with the exception of one last minute shirt design done in acrylic... well I wanted to do something special for Jen on her birthday. I can safely say that she is the ONLY woman I've dated who truely inspires me and makes me want to be a better person.

I painted this for her and felt wonderful doing so. So good that I'm actually painting something else. Ten years of dormant painting creativity is in the process of pouring out. Fuck yeah.

I got the call

I got to mom's house after work today and was chit chatting with my sister Mandi when my phone rang... the call ID showed my boss's name... NO, not my direct supervisor, but her boss. He only calls for one reason and it's never good.

The good news is that I'm not fired. The bad news is is that because of the cuts being made at the warehouse/distribution center, they want me to work half days. Translation: No more 45 hour weeks, let's try 22.5 and this sucks huge wrinkly balls and shit. Ugh. Looks like its time to get a full time gig (hair or something) to support my now part time job. FUCKING ECONOMY.

Even worse is that this just proves that my thinking I was paranoid just shows that I wasn't being paranoid and that the fuckers really were up to something. It's times like this that make me want a huge strap on...I mean one thats like dangles down capri length and when some shit goes down or someone's being an idiot I can just reach down my pants, pull out my giant pecker and smack the bitches in the face with it. That'll shut some folks up for sure.

Monday Blahs

Okay so a little bit of background about me...well I have a hormone imbalance that is so serious that I actually spent like seven or eight years being missed diagnosed as being bipolar. Well my issue is partly related to PCOS (google it if you don't know what it is) which to me means nothing more than weight gain, mutant hair follicles and feeling like beast from the x-men, irregular periods and mood swings.

So anyway I had been seeing a new doctor and was taking this medication that they actually give diabetics to manage sugar levels because apparently by keeping my insulin levels in check it causes that pancreas to realease something and something else to release something else which essentially means Zen inside of my body. Well great, grand, wonderful, no screaming on the bus... problem... I refer to the pills as bulemia pills... for the first two weeks of taking them I threw up all the time, they tore my stomach to pieces...then all the other times I was in the bathroom because of bubble guts...kind of makes for a "I'm scared to leave the house because I don't want to shit myself" lifestyle... no fun.

I had a follow up with the doctor and explained that I had noticed a change in my moods (in that they were much more balanced since I started taking this among other things, but the stomach discomfort had to go.) He gave me a sample of a new medicine, same stuff but extended release so I'd take one pill rather than two in a day...well I priced it and since its a newer one my insurance isn't going to pay nearly what I need it to, so I stopped taking the shit altogether. (Tuesday night was my last one)....here it is Monday and I had to just suck it up and take one of the bulemia pills (not throwing up as often, but still going to call them that because it's more appealing than what I could call them)... I left a message for the doctor to call me because the other shit is too expensive and I need to know if there is anything else or I'll just deal with always having bubble guts ... because I'm a fucking crazy person again.

Thursday I was fine, Friday I started getting irritated at nothing...Saturday I threw a tantrum and pouted and wanted to cry way more than normal, Sunday I was just tired and wiped out... Today I just want to curl up in a ball and sleep for nine hours only taking breaks to cry. NOT COOL.

The shit I put my girlfriend through is ridiculous... I'm tired all the time, rundown, never wanna do anything but sleep and it took everything in me to keep going this weekend to try and give her the best birthday ever...

It's not supposed to be like this. I'm not supposed to be a "fatty" with a beard for the love of pete...

To top it off I can't figure out what I want to do with my hair and it looks shitty right now. I colored it red last night, didn't like it so I splashed on some dark brown on top...so now its reddish brown...I think I'm going to bleach it again tonight and start from scratch... I can't do my makeup to make myself pretty even if I had the energy because my color pallette doesn't exactly go with a lobster skin tone, damn sun burn, lol. I'm having a case of the Monday blahs...I'm tired, insecure, having some low self esteem issues and I can't snap out of it... I just don't have the energy :(

And the new bitch at work is all extra perky (to the point that I had to call her on it and tell her to back the fuck off and leave me alone...) PLEASE DOC CALL ME BACK!!! Preferably before I snap and just start telling fuckers at work to blow me and what not...

Let me find some work to do before I get my ass fired...

BLAH

Maybe I'll color my hair purple and just say fuck it. I'd be okay with that.

I neglected to mention

On the way back from Hatteras, NC lil man had to pee what felt like 17 times. Okay, I know he's five but JEEZ...lol. One time we stopped on the side of the road and let him pee in a puddle, the next time we had to pull over again down this residential street and let him pee on some bushes (I was weak because he didn't wait to pull his pants up before running toward the car...he's all hauling ass and grabbing for pants and underwear that are around his ankles, lol) The final time was on 64 still forty five minutes away from my moms house.... nowhere to just pull off and let him go, I did something I can safely say I never fathomed before in my life:

I took his McDonald's Happy Meal drink cup, dump the liquid out of the window and held the cup for him to pee in. I made the announcement that if he peed on my hand I was going to be mad, lol (what it really boiled down to is that if he had peed on my hand I would have peed myself from laughing so hard and I already really had to go)

He stood there laughing hysterically in the back of the element peeing in cup that I held for him (me getting creeped out from the warmth I could feel through the cup itself and praying to all that was holy that he would finish before we ran out of cup, lol)

Mission accomplished, he bucked back up and I dumped the pee out the window, even courteous to avoid slinging pee on any cars behind us (with Jen's help of course)...

I didn't get peed on and he was able to make it to mom's house with no additional problems...that did not however stop me from laughing so hard at Jen when we were trying to carry a cooler up on the deck that I had to drop it and run to avoid peeing on myself...and didn't quite make it all the way.

That's right folks I'll be 28 soon and I totally pissed my pants yesterday. Don't judge me. Lol.

The Weekend Rehashed

I was called out of work on Friday because I wasn't going to have any contractors in the warehouse, no real reason for me to be there--so why was I thinking hey a day off...SCORE...SIKE. I cleaned my mom's friend's windows which took up my morning and into the afternoon, came home and showered, gathered my hair stuff and went and did my boss's mom's hair....which took another few hours... Done...not hardly.

Well you see...Jen's b-day was Saturday, so I volunteered to pick up lil man from the sitter and took him (in stealth mode of course) to Wally world so that he could pick out a birthday present for his mom (he wanted to get her a toy so he could play with it so finally I was able to convince him to pick something out for his mom and then I'd buy him a small inexpensive toy for himself...) we picked up Pizza Hut (his choice) and headed to my house. We ate and then I had to wash and set grandma's hair because she canceled her hair appointment the day before and then volunteered me to do hers (which I'm not bitching, I love my gma but I'm always doing for everyone else and putting me on the back burner...) So anyway, got lil man cleaned up and in pj's and let him wait up for his mom so that he could give her his present because she had an early morning meeting on saturday...(he also picked her out a spiderman birthday cake, lol).

I let her open my present after midnight to make it quasi-official and then got cleaned up and crashed. I was supposed to take Jen to work Saturday morning so that afterwork we could just leave and go to the beach...yeah that didnt happen. I decided to take lil man to see monster's vs. aliens (for his third time, my first) because it gave me an excuse to take flowers to Jen at work. (Her company has a very serious code of conduct so she can't be openly gay and I figured that her son taking her a bouquet of birthday flowers would be a lot more innocent than her girlfriend, lol.)

Get home and ready to pack only to stop and cut my uncle's fucked up last minute hair...but again my fault because I could have just said no...but anyway....running behind trying to have everything perfect and slipping into I need to have a hissy fit moment...but trying not to because this is Jen's day, not mine... Jen gets to my house and I'm on the verge of tears just because I was so irritated at the world and grandma was pissing me off...plans changed a little more and I became aware of just how anal I really am...(we were going to take my car originally--granted hers makes more sense for the beach, but whatever...lol...) All I could think of was ugh...that means I'm not driving, and we won't be listening to my music...etc... Like I said, I was having a moment and getting bent over the dumbest shit...

We go to my moms after getting the element packed up to get the beach house keys, stay and having nasty ass spider man cake and hit the road at like sevenish.... we get to Hatteras three hours later....by this time I've unwound and am back on track with this being Jen's day. Lil man fell in love with the beach house immediately because there were cartoons on the tv and a toy box full of toys. I made Jen a lil nervous because it was my first time turning everything on myself--I did it though, Electric, gas, and water....(still taking a bow on the inside, lol)

Anyway woke up ass early on sunday morning (5 am) to the Fire Dept's siren alerting the volunteers to get in immediately...went back to sleep and got up and got ready for the beach. It was lil man's first time seeing the ocean and he was stoked. He and Pepper ran in and got their feet wet, we almost couldn't get him out of the water... it was fun and exciting...a few hours and a sunburn later we were back on the road again....

I was trying to get us to my moms house where I had arranged with my moms help another surprise for Jen and had cake and icecream waiting for her. My mom watched lil man last night and he's over at her house again today while Jen's at work... so I'll get to see them this evening.

Overall a fabulous weekend...its just a shame that I'm a damn drama queen and can't seem to keep my moods in check. Today... well today is not so fabulous, but that's grounds for another blog.

Happy Birthday Jen--Love you.

Karma is Golden

So I got a call from the dealer and had to redo some papers because my loan fell through. I assumed that by late in the day yesterday I'd be back in my truck and carrying on with life...not the case. Turns out that one of the guys at the dealership had fudged a whole bunch of numbers which meant that by the end of the month the dealer was 15 cars off from where they should have been to meet quota (shitty for them, apparently wonderful for me)

They found a bank that would approve me but only for a specific amount, an amount which was considerably lower than what they had originally tried to get me financed for... Let's just say that they were scrambling so bad to make this deal go through to be closer to hitting their numbers that they took the negative $10,200 equity I had and zapped it. What? Well, they gave me over 8200 bucks for my truck which the Kelley blue book estimated to be worth only 4 grand tops (not including the three grand in body damage that I had done to it) which left only 1500ish dollars in negative equity...add in the 3000 dollar cash back option the vehichle had on it and it looked like I put 1500 dollars down for this new car.

Yes, that's right the dealer essentially bent over and took a great big one up the ass and paid off my truck at NO COST TO ME!!! My payment went up only 6 dollars from my original truck payment and I got:

A new 2008 Hyundai Tiburon
Gap Coverage (which I didnt have on my truck because I had refinanced)
Satellite Radio
101,000 few miles
Warranties that I didn't have on my truck
etc
etc
etc

My payment dropped almost 150 bucks from the original contract I signed...HELL YEAH!!!

I do not under any means condone falsifying of information to get what you want...which is why I was 100 % truthful in filling out my portion of information and I honestly went in with the attitude that if I can't get out of my truck, I'll just pay it off and try again in a few years...I was very buried under it....now...WHAT TRUCK? I do miss her though...not filling up her gas tank so much though...

Just goes to show you that Karma really is a serious thing...

Level 3

It was explained to me by my boss yesterday that we have a Level 3 relationship. I immediately questioned what the hell that meant and she explained:

Level 1 is where you work with someone and no nothing about their personal life and only associate with them while at work.

Level 2 is where you know the other has a partner/relationship, a few details about the other, but nothing too personal and really don't hang out outside of work.

Level 3 is pretty much where anything and everything would be said, you may go grab drinks on the weekend, or something and discuss a wide array of topics from your personal life as well as business related issues.

Yeah. My boss is pretty much the Shiznit to put it mildly.

Times are hard right now and everyone is on edge in general when it comes to work because it could be anyday that a phonecall is made or the head honcho shows up to deliver the bad news and escort you off premise, but even still its cool that like 97 % of the time I feel comfortable venting to her about work concerns or stresses or just calling her at her office from mine to shoot the shit and tell her about my girlfriends quasi-makeover and what I got her for her birthday because its killing me on the inside (I'm one of those people that when I buy a gift its hard for me to not just give it to the person immediately. I've had Jens for almost a week now and haven't caved yet....DAMN THIS IS TOUGH.)

So anyway... Level 3 is a good thing and I'm confident that if/when the time comes for me to find employment elsewhere that we'll stay in touch. She's still someone that I look up to and try and soak up everything I can when it comes her "people management" approach...

Good times.