Caged Bird

I was walking through the warehouse this morning and noticed a bird had flown in and was trapped. I made a phone call to one of the ops manager and told him there was a bird in the warehouse and asked if I could open one of the side doors to try and let it out and was denied my request. The door nearest the bird was an alarmed door and an alarm would have sounded had I opened it so I had to "follow the rules."

I became almost instantly bummed out. I quietly stood there watching and thought, "dude get ahold of yourself, it's just a bird...stop being overly sensitive." That's when it dawned on me. I could relate to what the bird was going through.

Here is this bird in a 1.7 million square foot facility (the size of seven football fields), all this space and "pretend" freedom, but ultimately trapped. No open doors, the doors that were opened were blocked by containers or trailers and with the size of the facility, the odds of the bird finding a way out before it starved to death or before it flew into something would lead to its demise were much greater than the chance of freedom itself.

I'm a caged bird. I work in an environment that in theory is spacious and full of opportunity and yet I'm trapped. I'm not appreciated and I no longer see myself as having a purpose when I'm there.

I don't know--I miss the enjoyment and fulfillment I once had with my job. So much promise, so many possibilities. Now, empty promises, no guarantees, disappointment around every turn.

I try to stay positive but it gets harder everyday. Last week my hours were cut from 45 down to 22.5... I told myself, no biggie, I'll get a second job to supplement my income.... I deal with ops managers daily that don't value me because I'm not "one of them"--In their eyes, I'm just the chick associated with the "temps." First of all, I don't supervise temps, I supervise contractors, hell I'm one myself... We aren't even deemed normal citizens in this place... no value whatsoever unless there is a great deal of call out from their permanent people.

I don't know. I understand that things aren't necessarily always kosher in the business world, but really what it boils down to right now is that my job is a total downer. All I do is call people and tell them that there is no work, or that their assignments have been ended. I don't have a problem firing people if they've violated a policy or I've coached them on an issue and they don't correct the problem, but I hate firing folks because the economy is shitty, or there's no work, or any of those reasons that just suck and are out of all control.

I know that sometimes I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and that worrying about things that I have no control over shouldn't be on my to do list, but I can't help it sometimes. I want everything to work out for everyone, for all of my contractors, not just myself...

I really am trying to stay positive, truly, but when I saw that bird this morning I honestly felt like I could feel what it was feeling. SCARED SHITLESS. I couldn't even call Jen back this morning when I missed her call because I knew I would have broke down and I didn't want to cry at work. I'm unsure of everything. I'm trying to be all smiles and not let the fact that the uncertainties are winning show, but everyone has moments where they just can't fake it anymore. I am scared shitless. I just hope that freedom comes my way before I fly into the proverbial wall that leads to my demise.