Monday, November 30, 2009

Long lunch

I went to to the Social Security office today after getting it cleared through my boss for an extended lunch.  I had my forms and identification in hand and walked in thinking it would be an in and out thing.  I saw the sign which demanded I take a number and immediately became concerned.

My number was 65... okay, no need to freak yet i thought...all of these people could very well have appointments and they are currently on number 63 (I was trying for the positive thinking approach)...the whole positive thing came to a screeching halt when I heard them call number 53... fuck me.  Okay so I'll chill.  Barely any seats, I settled in next to an older woman who smelled of tooth decay...but I tried to not let it get me down.  Pulled out my phone as a distraction, then realized that was pointless as I was on time out and "being left alone" was the request of the person I text more often than any.  Fuck it. 

A cute older black couple walked in.  The woman sat down next to me while her husband, with his cane leaned up against the wall.  I offered him my seat but he assured me he was fine.  The lady got to talking about how she and her husband had been together for 43 years "halleluiah" she proclaimed at the thought of being with the same man for so many years.  Then she said, "or as Madea would say it Halleluyur" and I nearly died.  It tickled me.  She went on to explain to me that relationships don't work if only one person is doing all the work and how if one person goes east and the other goes west.... it just won't work out.  Makes sense.  I found out she lost her sight to diabetes a few years ago in one eye and then in her other due to a stroke.  Her husband isn't allowed to have caffeine, citrus juices, coffee, tea, sweets, etc...the least was quite impressive.  She could make out the shadows of something in the corner (a spider plant)..which spurred a gardening conversation.  I liked her.

I got up to pee and offered her husband my seat again, to which he declined, again.  There was this dude with an english accent who appeared to be getting irritated with how much fun the lady and I were having...I finally got out of there and back to work almost two hours later...eww...but not all that terrible even.

I didn't sleep well last night and my head hurts today... oh well life goes on.  I love how random strangers talk to me on the regular and tell me what's on their minds...or just share with me random stories about their life.  I like that I'm approachable and friendly.  I like the way I feel when I hold open the door for a man in a wheelchair or offer my seat to someone older than me... I'm glad that regardless of how shitty I might appear to be as a person that I was raised with a good sense of right and wrong and with manners and principles.  I like that about me. I like it alot.


So I'm still not a fan of facebook...but after realizing that EVERYONE including my grandmother is on it (not the one I live with, the other one) perhaps it will be a good way to at least stay in touch with them... it's mom, dad, grandma, aunt, uncle, sister, etc all on Facebook.  I did go through and delete a bunch of folks from high school I have no interest in being facebook friends with....yeah I'm a snob. So what, lol.

Any of ya'll on facebook?  Apparently, it's just not cool to not be...

Sunday, November 29, 2009

Bat shit crazy

It's all in my head, I'm sure if I brought it up the response would be, "I don't play games." Okay so I'm sure no point is being's all in my head.

I got a lot done today, when I decided to get out of bed that is.  It was about one this afternoon...showered, didn't do my hair, didn't see the dressed, went into Franklin and found a place that still does one hour development for grandma's photos...success.  She was happy.  Killed the hour at Walmart, doing the bread and milk thing...

Came home, put groceries away, grabbed the dog and spent a an hour or so cleaning my car inside and hasn't looked that good since I drove it off the lot.  Progress.

I started rearranging furniture--that's what I do when I have shit on my mind.  Mandi called.  She needed the playstation back since she's moving on Wednesday. I told her to come and get it and she asked me to do her hair and eyebrows.  Fuckin' a, okay. I spent time with baby Charley and had a talk with my sister and told her how I felt like she was abandoning me and how I know she's not a complete fucking idiot but this move suggests otherwise. I vented and was completely honest.  She's going to be coming home for Christmas so that will be a good thing.  Her hair was colored, eyebrows waxed....she left.  I still haven't put away the clean clothes that have piled up over the past few days...fuck it who cares.

Pepper's ass is layed out on my fucking clean sheets...fucker.  The phone rang... a conversation that I wasn't in the mood for was had.  It can't always be about me though I'm afraid, so I answered.  The gist of the call was that things are robotic and boring, there's no spark... the other side of the conversation consisted of not caring or giving a shit and just fed up in general.  Each side unloaded on the other.  No progress was made.  The call hurriedly came to an end because of clothes needing to be folded an an early morning.... yeah right. 

I'm fucking seeing history repeat itself.  I'm a fucking bitch. I hit a wall...I get to the point where everything fucking pisses me off... I shut down, stop giving a shit, just get fed up. It makes no god damn sense.  none.  That always leads to the current girlfriend feeling attacked or in a situation where they just can't win and seeing that everything they do piss me off.  I feel smothered which is odd because I don't even really see her that often anymore... I'm just fucking fed up.  Things are not all honkey dorey like they were in the beginning. 

I lost it last night when I walked into the movie store I frequent and TWO DIFFERENT employees looked at me and said, oh, no kid tonight? I laughed it off saying, nah, I get a night off...WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT????

I'm numb.  I'm fighting off a bout of depression which isn't completely unusual for me this time of year...but it sucks nonetheless. It sucks because I push everyone away and just don't have the energy to fight and try and make my point or make things any different than they are.

Normal conversations feel like nagging to me. It doesn't fucking matter.  Nothing does.  I'm not in the mood to fight, nor do I have the energy to give a fuck.  I need a change of pace, a change of scenery... just a change.

I actually texted my ex last night when I realized that the one thing I'm bitching about the most in my current situation is something that I did to her... I asked her if I could interrupt her life for a second and ask her a random question.

Her: Okay? whats up
Me: How did you manage to eat healthy and lose weight when you lived here with grandma buying shit food and me eating said shit food in front of you
Her: I didn't always eat healthy
Me: but you did better than me. I joined weight watchers and am down almost 20 pounds, but Im having a bad week....was looking for suggestions
Her: I'm not the best person to ask, I've actually gained weight
Me: Well it was worth a try, thanks
Her: No problem

If tomorrow wasn't payroll day I'd call out.  I can't get to the point where I stop going to work just because I'm fucking bummed out...been there done that... it never ends well.  What disturbs me the most about the evenings events is how out of the whole conversation, the thing that stuck out in my head is it potentially fucking up the holidays...nothing else seemed important... if something isn't going to work out do you just go through the motions and pretend like every thing is fine just for the sake of the holidays? Or do you attempt to work through it and hope that shit is lined up and honestly legit come the holidays...

This is a difficult situation for me because I'm kind of a grinch...

I just don't get it.  Nothing makes sense right now.  Nothing.  I need to stop fucking around...I've got to be up in four and half hours and head into work...ten hour days again this week Yeehaw...

Friday, November 27, 2009

Communication 101

I can't win right now. I'm lost and confused and just hung up from talking to Jen and feel no better.  It's not her fault...I'm just having a moment.  I'm beating myself up as usual and having a moment for lack of better words and I don't feel like I can talk to her because she has nine hundred other things going on or on her plate.  When I tried to explain to her that I was finding it difficult to vent to her or talk to her about things because she had so much going on, her response was, "um, okay, well I'll talk to you tomorrow." Which made me feel even worse because she wasn't understanding me, but then again, it's not like I did anything to fix it.

Where I'm dealing with dieting woes, family nonsense, and just being overwhelmed in general and feeling trapped internally...she's got her own shit going on.  I just feel like whenever I do finally get to the point of opening up and talking to her, it's overshadowed by what she's dealing with.  I've just got to the point where I just don't talk about the shit anymore. I feel like it's pointless...which I'm sure seems awful to say out loud.

I'm sitting upstairs feeling gross in general and crying.  I hate that I can't communicate clearly with my girlfriend and how I feel like we are very rarely on the same page anymore.  She made arrangements for lil man to go to the sitter's today since it was my day off and I'm not going to lie, it was nice to take a three hour nap and not have to do anything... she's also made arrangements for him to start going to someone else's house on Saturday's while she works... since I'm in peak season, I have to work Saturdays now. Jen says she's fine with it, but why do I feel guilty for not being readily available more... why do I feel guilty for wanting time to myself.  I mean I her and I love lil man, but sometimes I just want to close off from the world and that's hard to do when you are doing things that someone else wants to do in hopes of keeping them amused.

I'm lost and alone.  I'm surrounded by people and can't shake this makes no damn sense.  Why can't I talk to my girlfriend.  Why do I feel like every time I turn around I'm letting her down on some level.  why do I have a hard time crying to her if need be, still?  Why do I feel like this giant fuck up who can't do anything right in her eyes.

Why does it feel like I have a gaping hole in my chest and that my soul is on hiatus.  I feel disconnected from those around me, including Jen.  We never see each other and when we do it's either her dropping off lil man or crawling into bed hours after I've already been asleep, or me leaving before she gets up, etc... Then come Sundays...I normal day to spend time together... I feel guilty because sometimes I don't want to do shit but sleep.... but you can't expect a 5 year old to want to sleep all day... I feel like such a fucking awful person.  It's not cool to have these thoughts and feelings. 

I've got to be just an awful person and I'm a shitty girlfriend too...I keep seeing shit recurring and alot of the same issues complained about in previous relationships...since I'm the only one in common with all of them, I am apparently an issue.

I need to go to bed...Ive got to be at work at 6 am... sucks ass. Maybe tomorrow will be better. Maybe tomorrow, I'll actually be able to communicate in some form other than a blog.  I could throw up right now... I need to get out of this slump.  I'm fighting depression... common for me for this time of year... overtired, overworked, overstressed, over everything.

SS card = MIA

I can't find my fucking social security card.  I know I've seen it recently, but apparently I hid it and put it in a safe place and well now I can't find it.

I went to the interview today.  It was more of a get to know me, my strengths, weaknesses and what not... because this is a direct hire opportunity, but through a staffing agency, I have to go through all of there requirements even though I'm not going to be working for them.  The recruiter feels like I have great potential to be this company's next shipping/receiving supervisor, so she forwarded them my resume today.

If they like me, then I'll interview as early as Thursday or Friday (and find out at that point who the company is and what not)... all i know is that they ship products to LL Bean and Lowes, Home Depot, Costco, it sounds right up my alley.

The kicker is, I've done all the assessments they require (I just spent an hour and half doing their testing to prove that I'm proficient in Excel, Word, Outlook, etc...but, I can't do much else WITHOUT my social security card. They require it.  They let me use my birth certificate for the I-9, but I still need the SS card...
Oh well, I'll search for it more come tomorrow afternoon and Sunday...if I don't find it, the only thing I can do is take a long lunch on Monday to go to the Social Security office and have another one issued.  But that takes time.  Fuck me and my hiding shit from myself.

Thursday, November 26, 2009

The Twilight Zone

This week was weird.

The client company gave their employees turkeys for Thanksgiving...They have had a lot of people quit over the last month or so and ended up having extras.  So at the last minute they decided to give me one :) Granted it was on the down low because they didn't have enough for all of my contractors, but I thought it was cool nonetheless (and very unexpected).

The GM pulled me to the side and shook my hand yesterday and told me that he doesnt tell me nearly enough (or at all) that I do a great job and that it's a pleasure to work with me... wow. Thanks dude.

I got a phone call from a recruiter for a staffing company...she's trying to line up candidates for a client that is using them for a direct hire position.  I don't know what company it is yet (i'll only find that out if I get asked to interview for the position.) What I do know is that the pay range is five to eight grand more than I make now...a lil further of a drive, but not bad and yet another day off with no sleeping in

I cooked my first turkey today.  Turned out fabulously but cooking on Thanksgiving is overrated.  I didn't get to sleep in or even put the turkey in the oven and then go back to bed. I was on my feet from eight this morning until about five with the only break being to eat.... I vote for going to someone elses house for Thanksgiving dinner...I wasn't even going to cook, but I got a free turkey and Jen and lil man wanted a traditional thanksgiving dinner...

I'm tired. Really fucking tired.  I sent Jen to work with a metric shit ton of leftovers to get out of here...I don't want to look at them...ugh.

Happy Turkey day to all.

The Phases of Santa

Santa Before

 Not an easy task ahead...


ZZ Top-esque


 Wild man, not white enough

 Second Bleaching in one night... The fumes were ridiculous.  I got home and had to go straight to bed, I was light headed and woosey...You know Santa was struggling as well...he had the stuff right up his nose... He stood up after getting his hair washed the second time and got so light headed he fell out in the kitchen floor... Scared me half to death (luckily Santa wasn't hurt, there'd be a lot of disappointed kids come Christmas time if that was the case...)


 He really looks like Santa Claus in this picture to me

End of Day 1: (Four hours of processing)


Day Two: Only took 2 hours this time...and finally got it to where we needed it :)

Got White?

Damn I'm

It was A LOT of work, but I had a good time doing Santa's hair.  I really do feel like a celebrity stylist, haha.  Santa has his first appearance this weekend...and I'd say he's ready to go.  I'm going to take Jen and lil man to one of his appearances in a couple of weeks.  The kids are allowed to ride on top of the fire truck and it should be fun.

I survived.  Santa's hair didn't fall out. What a great time. Fabulous results.  Good stuff.

Monday, November 23, 2009

Survey says

Survey says...I needed a longer weekend.  Saturday I worked.  Boo. I only worked a half a day but still, ugh..I was drained.  I came home and cleaned and cleaned and cleaned. Then hung out with lil man, ran errands, put him to bed, and waited for Jen to get to my house.  Colored her hair and gave her highlights and then ended up being a jack ass...because about 2 o'clock in the morning as we were laying in bed... we weren't doing anything kinky...we were both tired, we hadn't even got to the cuddling point, we were just talking... I FELL ASLEEP.  I had taken some Alka Seltzer cold before Jen got here and it was kicking my ass... I had been up a long long time.  I felt bad the next morning because for us to be mid conversation and me just zonk out was rude.  I didn't even fall asleep in her arms or vice versa and we barely saw each other during the week.

Sunday morning I got up early as hell to head to Williamsburg for the day....turns out the thrift stores there are C-R-A-P.  But it was still fun spending the day with mom and Mandi (she had Aunt Melissa watch the baby and headed out with us)...We left at ten am and didn't get home until about 8 or so... a long less... a good day though :)

Today the alarm clock went off at o dark thirty and I headed into work. We have a short week due to the holiday and a lot had to be done today...including payroll.  Since we get paid weekly, I only had a short time to get all my contractors time approved and faxed in so that the checks can get in by wednesday (normal payday is friday) and handed out before the holiday...then we're off thursday and friday and work ten hours on saturday...ugh.  The moral of the story is I got my shit done and left sick at about 12:15... I could hardly function. I felt like ass and was exhausted...I'm still fighting something...hay fever, a cold, sinusy stuff...I dont know what it is and I refuse to go to the doctor.  I took a four hour nap before getting up to go to my weight watchers meeting... Now I feel like a million bucks...I hope that I feel like this tomorrow.  I'm looking forward to Thursday so I can sleep in... Tomorrow is the day to Santa's hair... if everything goes well chemically then I'll have Wednesday night free... I'm so incredibly lame...all I wanna do is sleep or sit around in comfy pants ...

Anyhoo... I don't want to use a vacation day for lack of pay on Friday which means I'm going to have to work a full ten hours on Saturday just to get my forty this week...ugh.  Come on dream job, come on... where are you at?

Saturday, November 21, 2009

Feel Good Music

A few random songs I'd like to share...

I fell in love with this song from the Chrysler Town and Country commercial
Dawn Landes Straight Lines

Brandi Carlile Have you Ever (I have this on repeat in my car now...I just love her voice) She has some really great songs in general

Others that I'm really feeling right now:

Amy Ray Black Heart Today
Melissa Ferrick Chocolate
Melissa Ferrick Drive
Amy Ray Lucystoners
Ingrid Michaelson (nearly anything)
The Perishers
Jack Johnson
The Juno Soundtrack
Cat Power


Blue Rodeo 5 Days in May

Keep in mind that I'm kind of a hater... I prefer the album versions to live versions... to all of these but like I said, just in a sharing mood

Santa's Stylist

It's Saturday morning and I'm working.  Okay so not working so much as just being here because I'm required to be here for four hours and be on call for the remaining four hours.  Hopefully Ill be able to get some cleaning done when I get out of here.  (It's time for grandma's part of the house biweekly cleaning to happen)...

One of the guys I was dreading firing this morning called I was able to call him and fire him over the phone which was easier but still sucks because it's right before the holidays and he's a single dad... being empathetic is definitely a weakness of mine...but I can't help it.  I'm supposed to build rapport with these folks... get to know them, and make them comfortable with me so they communicate freely, and then not feel anything when it comes time to let them go... wtf?  I know that business is business, but come on...I'm not heartless.

I've got a busy week ahead of me as I'm sure most people do with Thanksgiving fast approaching.  I'll have lil man tonight and have a couple of errands to biggies.  Either late tonight or early tomorrow morning I need to do Jen's hair.  She's getting bushy and needs her color redone...she wants highlights so as long as I have time to get the stuff, my plan is to foil in some highlights and then brush on her all over color and process them together...let her shampoo herself out in the shower...and bust a move to get over to my mom's house for "our" day.

Mom and I are going to take the Ferry over to Williamsburg (a part of Virginia that is on my to do list to take Jen eventually.  Colonial Williamsburg is beautiful lit up for the holidays, Jamestown is also across the ferry, Yorktown isn't too far...I mean there is stuff to do...just have to plan it)...but I digress.  I told mom that to celebrate finishing my degree what I wanted to do most was to go to Williamsburg and hit up a few thrift stores we've never been to.  My theory is that a lot of high society fuckers live in Williamsburg, so maybe they donate some really awesome stuff so I can improve my wardrobe fore hella Cheap.  We'll see.  Mom is excited to be having a day with just the two of us, since even though I go over there a few times a week, everyone is always around... (I need to plan one of these with Jen as well... just a one on one... and lil man can come too depending on what we do--though he'll be going to his dad's after christmas, so maybe that would be prime time for the two of us to do something different...who knows)...I discovered that my favorite thrift store chain (D.A.V.-disabled american veterans) has a location in williamsburg HELL YEAH...

Well anyway...I have work then Weight Watchers on Monday.  Tuesday is work then Santa's Hair.  I'm one of those people who is lucky to know Santa Claus personally.  He's a close friend of my mom and dad.  He fishes with them, and lives only fifteen minutes away.  He keeps his beard year round, does not require a fake belly when he puts on his suit...this dude IS santa.  He goes around to many functions, some paid, some for less fortunate folks and spreads christmas cheer.  His hair is salt and pepper so we need to make it white and his beard while mainly white, has a yellowish gray sporadic tinge to it... translation... I've got a serious project in front of me.  This requires a lot of bleaching, getting his hair down to the palest blonde possible and then toning it with a platinum blonde toner to cut the yellow and turn it white... it will be a lot of upkeep...I'm going to have to test everything on his head hair first because if I fuck up his beard I'm fucking with his paycheck, you follow? 

Me, Mandi, and Santa 2007 (he painted his beard that year)

Wednesday is work and then Santa's hair again if it doesn't get light enough the first night.... Thursday is Thanksgiving and I'm assuming that my sister and I are cooking that.  My mom, aunt, and uncle are peacing out to go to Kentucky to see my grandparents who are celebrating a 50th wedding anniversary... dad is in Kosovo, Grandma will probably go to my other uncles house if she does anything at all, that leaves, me, mandi, baby charley, Jen and lil man for Thanksgiving.  I have off, Jen has to work that evening... I'm thinking that I need to plan a menu with my sister and do a weight watcher friendly type meal... no need in going overboard...

Friday I'm off again and I don't have a shit ton of money to go shopping (since personal property taxes are due at the beginning of December and I still havent called the student loan folks...i need to tighten up)... I think I'll sleep in and do the bare minimum that day.  Saturday will be another work day, to make up for the holiday being missed.... eww.  Sunday another day to unwind until hittin' the groove again come the next week.

I have a recipe for a low fat low sugar pumpkin trifle that I'm going to try has pumpkin obviously, but vanilla pudding, cool whip, as well and has crumbled ginger snap layers throughout...oh's gonna be on like donkey kong.

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

and breathe

My boss opened my eyes again today. I didn't get in trouble and it pisses me off that most of the time my boss is right...but she essentially told me that she "wants to empathize with her contractors, but when it boils down to it its business." For me, I realized today that I'm too empathetic...too compassionate...I don't want to be the bad guy, though I am a bitch a lot of the time.  I have a guy that I'll be firing on Saturday at the end of the shift... I was thinking of giving him a heads up on Friday afternoon and let him know the final outcome and give him the option of Saturday off... I forgot the most important piece of the puzzle...if he doesn't work, my company (the staffing company that it is) then we don't make money...

I need to figure out where I want to be and work to get there... and I need to tighten up...I realize that I'm hard on myself ALOT... but I honestly feel like I'm losing ground where I'm at.  My boss as she was giving me an example said to me, "Hey, I could think you're awesome as a person every single day, but if you weren't performing where should be, I'd have to do what I'd have to do." Eww.

On a happier note I got an email today from a long lost friend. Lol.  My friend V is someone whom I've never officially met, but we've talked off and on for over two years I guess.  She works a lot and travels to cool places, is well rounded and just down right interesting.  Her parents, when they were living stayed in the country...she's a country girl (so we joke about crazy country type shit)... she knows about where I live (zuni) because she used to drive through it all the time.... she lives in Va Beach now.  I was really surprised to hear from her and I needed a break from my work day for a second.  She's moving to Africa here soon, so I doubt we'll get a chance to actually meet up and officially meet before she leaves, but still... good to be communicating with her again. 

I'm exhausted and I should have been asleep over an hour ago...but's Top Chef night and I don't feel like watching it on gma's tv later on because she's the one with a DVR....

I'm fighing off a sinus infection or something...hay fever head has been pounding for a while now (three days) and i'm getting a cough among other things...I just want to sleep...It's going to be a sixty hour work week this least i'm hourly and getting a shit ton of overtime.

She's moving

Yep. My sister is moving and she may be taking a piece of my soul with her.  Melodramatic, I know...but I'm livid, sad, and just a ton of emotions right now.  She's moving and like SOON. She's got an apartment, a job, and she's taking Charley with her... I'm selfish. I feel like I'm never going to see my niece... (I don't have the time or money to take frequent trips to Radford to see her) and I'll be damned if I want to see the baby's daddy in the process.

I think this is a bad move.  But my opinion doesn't matter and her life is hers to live.  I'm not convinced that the baby daddy isn't a drug addict or even wanting to be a dad.  But Mandi is going to move away and play family because she's tired of living under mom's roof (even though she's got a sweet gig right now)...

I dunno, I'm trying to not take it personally, I mean shit, it's not exactly about me...but I want to smack the shit out of my sister and be like what the fuck are you thinking?  I admire her so much and she's so incredibly smart...but when it comes to men she's lost in my opinion.

But again, my opinion doesnt matter....It's not about me... I just don't understand this right now.  I just don't get it.

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Bend over and take it

My head hurts. It's one of those headaches that starts behind your eyeballs and spreads across the top of your head...eventually making simple tasks like breathing nearly unbearable.  The warehouse noises aren't helping... I'm in a slump.

I got what felt like my first official coaching from my boss yesterday over the telephone since she's in Texas this week helping the implementation team or something.  I'm finding it more and more difficult to care, but I need to snap out of it so I don't lose my job before I have something else lined up.

Long story short, I hadn't received the information necessary from the client to issue performance points for my people.  (4 performance points equals termination)... I don't have access to their systems and therefore must wait for them to provide the information to me.  I was two weeks behind when I finally got the print outs on Friday.  I wrote an email to my boss explaining that I wasn't going to backdate points (because I thought it was fucking stupid)... She didn't read the email until yesterday after landing in San Antonio. 

She explained to me that just because I was frustrated with the way things are doesn't mean that I can just take a break from issuing points because the information wasn't provided, blah blah blah.  She was valid in what she said, because while I wasn't given the information I didn't exactly go and harass anyone until they gave it to me.  So I was in the wrong and I own that.

It just sucks to be in a slump and have a hard time getting out of it.  Because what it boils down to is that whether I hate my job on a given day or not (though I'm thankful to have one) my presence affects my contractors.  Just because I don't hold them accountable for a week doesn't mean that the client won't. 

My boss reminded me today that my job out here is to hold my people accountable.  Well you know what I'm tired. I'm tired of attempting to coach and develop someone just for them to fired the next day before it even has a chance to sink in.  I'm tired of constantly firing someone, I'm tired of being invisible, I'm tired of having no impact whatsoever.  I'm just tired. 

I remember when I used to love this job.  Looked forward to coming in every afternoon...but here lately, I don't look forward to anything work related.  There is no passion.  Just me, showing up and pissing people off.  Sure, no one wants to be held accountable, but hey that's my job, so pissing people off and firing folks for not meeting the expectations is a given...

I suppose that right now it's even worse than normal because of how shitty I feel and how I just get the vibe that there is something better out there for me. Of course with ten hour days six days a week, when does one have time to find it? By the time I get off of work, go home, cook dinner, amuse grandma for a few, and get upstairs it's already 8... and I need to be in bed by 9:30 to even function the next morning....

I feel lost. alone. afraid. hopeless. I'm mad at myself for having to have been coached... freakin' first time in 15 months though...not exactly a bad record, but still...I neglected to take the whole co-employment picture into account.  I lost sight of things and let my frustration get the best of me.  Fucking a. Fucking a.

I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep for nine days.

Sunday, November 15, 2009

Lettin' it all hang out

Grandma commented this morning as I let Pepper out and she was getting ready for church how my pants looked like a cross...when I looked at her puzzled she explained it had something to do with the fact my pants were in my ass crack (my translation of course)...really grandma...yeah so what my shorts were in my ass crack...this happens when you go commando under your clothes when at home (hell yeah to liberation...I refuse to wear a bra, underwear, or any shoes other than flip flops when in the house)... It's my perrogative--besides she's just a hater that her bladder isn't good enough to let her cooter just be "free"

More ten hour days to come.  Every Saturday this month is a scheduled work day.  My mom, aunt, and uncle are going to see my grandparents in Kentucky for their 50th wedding anniversary this Thanksgiving...translation--Mandi and I are going to cook Thanksgiving dinner for Jen, lil man, and ourselves.  My brother will probably go to his skanks peoples' house... so I doubt he's in and grandma will probably go to my Uncle's house across the field (actually their oven is broke so they will probably cook it here for her) Fuck... need to find somewhere to be.

The nor'easter officially sucked.  Today was sunny though which was a nice change. I was in a fucked up mood though.  Not a bad one, just weird.  I was like lost in my head but not really thinking of anything at the moment.

I went to see a Christmas Carol with Jen and lil man in Disney Real was alright but not as grand as I had imagined it.  I have a lot of phone calls to make tomorrow and I'm just going to have to close the office door and handle personal business at work--everyone is closed by the time I get off from work... I've gotta figure out a way to put off these student loans a while...I can't afford it.

Things that are stressing me out right now:
-personal property taxes are due Dec. 5th
-Student loans are due
-I never seem to have any money
-I need to find a new job (I have a feeling come the first of the year, I won't have one)
-I spent my evening redoing my boss's mom's hair--I did it originally on Wednesday but was so exhausted after a ten hour shift that I switched her colors and the color I normally highlight with I put all over and her all over color was highlights (so it was lighter than normal)...I had to fix it (she offered to pay me) but I didn't take any money because it was my own fault...I'm just glad that it wasn't something crucial you know... it could have been pretty bad had I really fucked something up
-I need to get away from Grandma
-My family in general is stressing me out (I spend more time doing shit for them than I do for myself and it's getting old) I need to learn to say no more often.  I'd like to just move away...yeah, I'd be homesick, but I think that it would benefit the situation in the long run

I dunno just random shit in general is controlling the dome piece.  I'm unwinding right now with a Wild Blue Blueberry Lager--havent had one in a hot minute.  It's hittin' the spot.  I feel out of sorts.  Just off kilter in general.  I want to eat everything in sight...I want to say fuck some Weight Watchers, even though I'm down almost thirteen pounds (meetings every monday)...

I have new starts tomorrow at boss is going to be in Texas all week, but still available via cell and biggie...

I really want to do the grad school thing...but then comes the issue of adding a minimum 25 grand to my already 50 grand in student loans... and I'm not guaranteed to be in a financial situation at that point to allow repayment...My mom and sister think I should just call the student loan people to work something out...I really want my MBA though, Jen is supportive of whatever I opt for which is awesome.

I want to scoop her up somedays...just pack our bags and vanish from the face of the earth.  (at least around here)...she's new to this area still, only been here a year...I've been here 24 of my 28 years...I need new scenery.  I've got a case of Cabin Fever for life in general.  I need a plan.  It's impossible for me to get ahead in life when I'm not sure where I want to be... I can't just wander around aimlessly and hope to stumble upon it...

The chicks that work at Subway commented how they noticed I was losing weight (mental note, cut back on subway, ha)... I gave my friend Julie a makeover the other day...I cut her hair and told her to start stylin' the shit and to lose the center part....I also waxed her eyebrow(s) she has two, lol with a killer arch. 

Lil man rode with my mom to the movies today...Jen and I rode separate... I gave her a cd to play to keep him amused...she got out at the theatre cussing at me talking about, if you ever tell me to watch what I say around him (we all cus a lot so I'm always telling him to not say that...) after letting him listen to that music, I'm going to snap... My bad, I forgot to tell her not to play number 10 which is Sexy bitch instead of the radio edit (sexy chick)... lol... he loves singing Lady Gaga's Bad Romance right now.... and Shakira's she wolf, etc...we have a good time...but I digress.

Four thirty in the morning is going to get here early...time to call it a night.  I'm so lame. 

Anniversary Weekend Picture Highlights (Day 2)

Baby Charley practices her gangsta lean on the beach with Mandi :)

Jen and lil man (mid air)

His mom is gonna have her hands full in a few years

Me and mom
Jen was loving the sand...

Did I mention I LOVE THE BEACH

I can't believe she has been able to put up with me THIS LONG... this is ground breaking :)
Kitty Hawk Kites... I dunno, just liked this pic... and there's the vagyna mobile in front... :)

the Mouse Trap.. I've always loved this cottage, it's one of the first houses when you hit Rodanthe, NC, but...WAY too close to the water

hello atlantic ocean...

Help I've fallen and I can't get up

I look way too serious here...

Saturday, November 14, 2009

Anniversary Weekend Picture Highlights (Day 1)

Getting ready in the morning, I was attacked by lil man and pepper...ha

We made it down to Salvo, NC (on Hatteras Island) Friday night about 8 or 9.... We unwound and got ready for bed...watched a couple of movies and just relaxed.  It was friggin' freezing.  Saturday morning we woke up, took our time getting ready and decided to take a trip to Ocracoke, NC (which requires a 40 min ferry ride) and what not... We were off... Jen, lil man, Mandi, the baby, and myself... I was excited.

I didn't realize that Jen had never been on a ferry ride and when I looked at her and gasped, "REALLY?!?!?" She was quick to remind me that they had no real need for ferries where she was from, since it was all mountains and all...Oh bad... so this made me even more stoked to share with her and lil man.

 Jen was lookin' fierce as always...

These are lil cottages you can rent... they are on a little side street called Eagle Pass right before you get to the ferry to go to Ocracoke...they always make me smile :)
This one was lil man's favorite... I might have to check out renting one of these someday, when I have money of course.
On the ferry... lil man was loving it... Jen loved it too overall, but the waves made her head hurt after a while :(
I love this picture.  The weather was beautiful, mid 70s that day and just sunny and awesome... I was happy to see how both Jen and lil man really dug the ferry experience.
The fam, lol... I'm glad Mandi went too... she had a good time with us, but was also cool enough to play photographer so I have some pics with all three of us instead of all of them just one or the other
Really Jen?, lol


He said he could see our house, and the zoo, and some giraffes, and a shark (I didn't have any quarters for him to see anything, but hey, at least we know his imagination works :)
The water from behind he ferry
Can we discuss the fact that Lil man is straight chillin' in this pic, ha
Tell me those two aren't having a blast...
Ferry ride back...

I love this picture
We've decided that these ladies are lesbians, for the simple fact that I think it'd be a cool lesbo job to have :) This was a ferry that was docking next to us while we were getting ready to go
Two guesses as to who had the time of his life :O)

It cracks Jen up to hear me say Chicamacomico (Chica- mah- com-eeh-co) 
I love this picture as well...damn I'm good, ha
Day one draws to a close...

We all ate at Howard's Pub on Ocracoke Island, I love their burgers, Jen fell in love with the fries... When we got back to the beach house, lil man decided that he wanted to stay with  my mom ... so Jen and I took the opportunity from some alone time and for our anniversary dinner we went to Lisa's Pizzaria (sounds classy huh)...I can't help it, Jen is now hooked on their Fried Broccoli... it was her pick :) It was a great day. We talked and held hands and laughed and smiled, and cuddled (though ended up having to sleep in separate beds because the old school mattress dumped her in the crack next to the wall everytime I moved (and I'm a tosser and turner)... ha, plus Pepper is a bed hog.

While we were in Ocracoke earlier in the day, I finally found the shop that I had been to years before that had a lil silver pelican charm that I wanted... Jen bought it for me which I thought was AWESOME... it was meant to be, me and that pelican... now I just have to get a chain.

Jen asked me what the deal with me and pelican was and I explained to her while we were sitting on the beach the following the day that I just love how they are graceful and elegant when in the air... but how when they land or attempt to catch a fish in the water are often the most uncoordinated, clumsy, hot mess you've ever seen... simply put--I can relate :)  She laughed and said she could understand how I saw the correlation :) hehe.

I'm so in love with this woman.  It's amazing to me how even when we stay at the beach with my mom, aunt, uncle, sister, and neice, plus four dogs, we can still manage to have a great time and feel at ease, and not want to leave at the end of the weekend.  I'm lucky to have had this getaway my whole life (it used to be grandma's and now it's my parents...) it's not fancy or elaborate, one story and two bedrooms, quaint... but its ours... and I'm lucky to have jen to share it with.  I love how she has fallen in love with the things that I myself have enjoyed for as long as I can remember... to think... before me, she had never even truly seen the ocean :) Now she's a beach bum addict like me :)

More photos to come.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

Ode to Jen

It's hard to believe that November 8 marked Jen and my one year anniversary. 
This is huge.

This song reminds me of Jen...It's kind of always been our song...since it's one of the few we agree on, ha :)

She's recently turned me on to this song:

I remember hearing this song with her back in the very beginning...this is a FABULOUS SONG...

It's impossible to hear that song and not think about her and how wicked great she is.

Dear Jen,

I remember sitting down at the computer (back in the days when I was addicted to myspace and NOT blogger...) I wasn't in the mood to go to mom's to use the computer, so I had logged into grandma's computer, using Juno of all things.  Yay, dial up... New messages... SCORE! excitement.  Who is this chick... I asked myself. 

The message you sent said something to the extent of how beautiful I am (hello, compliments, flattery... quickest way into my pants--ha) I checked your profile before responding... it didn't say whether you were gay or straight and I saw pics of a kid and wedding photos but no groom (I was confused)... and I remember asking, "So what's your story" (after thanking you of course)--it was my politically correct way of saying, so are you a dyke or what....

I soon figured it out.  I found myself in a shitty situation where I had just asked the current to be my girlfriend after months of being pissed off and irritated at her constant pot smoking and weather channel watching...and I remember laying in bed next to her at the beach house and not being able to think of anything but you... (I hadn't even met you) was innocent. You were no homewrecker and were content in just being friends... Later that week I broke up with her... I feel like you always feel like it was your fault.  But in reality it was just a matter of time before it happened.  I wasn't happy and I didn't trust her.... Within a matter of a week or two we were both fighting with the desire to tell the other those three words... "I love you."

We both knew that it wasn't "natural" to fall that quickly...we tried to be logical but yeah, we said fuck it and took a chance.  Both of us guarded and craving the other like that attention would go out of style...

What a great decision we made.

Remember the beginning?

Wasn't that the first trip to meet my folks?

I fell in love with lil man early on as well... That long hair kills me... and remember how long your finger nails were... you soon graduated to "real" lesbian status, not porn lesbo, hahaha

 Our first trip to Hatteras, NC

What a good New Year we had...

I love how even my family LOVES you... they just can't get over how I'm my true self around you (they are in awe that you can still love me considering, hell so am I)

Having a blast at my brother's house... my shaved head seems so long ago...I love that we can laugh so much and at the most random things

I love how your lips fit perfectly against mine... how your lips are always soft and never chapped and the fact that you are phenomenal kisser...

Playing dress up...I again will go on the record and state that I LOVE LOVE LOVE your hair short... you're a friggin' hottie and I love how you pretend to not know it, ha ha

At AJ Gators after you got out of work.... (obviously you see that these photos, like my thoughts aren't exactly flowing in any particular order....)


A girl after my own heart...

Yes...those boobs were smooshed against my face a lil bit after this picture....hahah (nothing like a quickie in the bathroom in the middle of a going away party....)

Post quickie (that's a glow, we aren't oily, haha)

Hehe...then this weekend...god you are such a goof ball :) Luckily your tongue sticks out farther than it does in this picture hahah...

The most recent picture of us, from this weekend....

What it boils down to is that there is never a dull moment with you.  I love how we can just lay in bed together and talk or saying nothing at all and still communicate. I love how your skin feels against mine... I love the sound of your voice and how you try and make things all better when I'm upset, emotional, or just down right bat shit crazy.

I can't even find the words to describe how I truly feel.  I just hope that I do a good enough job of showing you EVERY SINGLE DAY... I never want you to feel under appreciated.  I am so lucky to have you in my life.  I'm happy you found me :) lol. I never thought I'd find someone that could be my rock... I pretend to be hard core and unbreakable, but as you have found I am not made of stone and I wear my heart on my sleeve...THANK YOU.

I look forward to many more great years ahead...

I love you A LOT.