Bend over and take it

My head hurts. It's one of those headaches that starts behind your eyeballs and spreads across the top of your head...eventually making simple tasks like breathing nearly unbearable.  The warehouse noises aren't helping... I'm in a slump.

I got what felt like my first official coaching from my boss yesterday over the telephone since she's in Texas this week helping the implementation team or something.  I'm finding it more and more difficult to care, but I need to snap out of it so I don't lose my job before I have something else lined up.

Long story short, I hadn't received the information necessary from the client to issue performance points for my people.  (4 performance points equals termination)... I don't have access to their systems and therefore must wait for them to provide the information to me.  I was two weeks behind when I finally got the print outs on Friday.  I wrote an email to my boss explaining that I wasn't going to backdate points (because I thought it was fucking stupid)... She didn't read the email until yesterday after landing in San Antonio. 

She explained to me that just because I was frustrated with the way things are doesn't mean that I can just take a break from issuing points because the information wasn't provided, blah blah blah.  She was valid in what she said, because while I wasn't given the information I didn't exactly go and harass anyone until they gave it to me.  So I was in the wrong and I own that.

It just sucks to be in a slump and have a hard time getting out of it.  Because what it boils down to is that whether I hate my job on a given day or not (though I'm thankful to have one) my presence affects my contractors.  Just because I don't hold them accountable for a week doesn't mean that the client won't. 

My boss reminded me today that my job out here is to hold my people accountable.  Well you know what I'm tired. I'm tired of attempting to coach and develop someone just for them to fired the next day before it even has a chance to sink in.  I'm tired of constantly firing someone, I'm tired of being invisible, I'm tired of having no impact whatsoever.  I'm just tired. 

I remember when I used to love this job.  Looked forward to coming in every afternoon...but here lately, I don't look forward to anything work related.  There is no passion.  Just me, showing up and pissing people off.  Sure, no one wants to be held accountable, but hey that's my job, so pissing people off and firing folks for not meeting the expectations is a given...

I suppose that right now it's even worse than normal because of how shitty I feel and how I just get the vibe that there is something better out there for me. Of course with ten hour days six days a week, when does one have time to find it? By the time I get off of work, go home, cook dinner, amuse grandma for a few, and get upstairs it's already 8... and I need to be in bed by 9:30 to even function the next morning....

I feel lost. alone. afraid. hopeless. I'm mad at myself for having to have been coached... freakin' first time in 15 months though...not exactly a bad record, but still...I neglected to take the whole co-employment picture into account.  I lost sight of things and let my frustration get the best of me.  Fucking a. Fucking a.

I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep for nine days.