Thursday, March 26, 2009

In response

(Original Post)

dear hair goddess,

i want to cut my hair short.i am a lazy bitch

i hate standing up to do it

i am always tired

did i mention I'm a lazy bitch?

your thoughts?

yours always-Standing with scissors in my hands...

The Response:

Dear Standing with Scissors in my hands...

After meeting with the Hair Goddess Tribunal, we have decided that a haircut is appropriate for you at this time. One of our representatives will take care of your request in order to prevent you from doing anything crazy with those scissors you are holding. Actually, scratch that...I'll tend to this matter personally, consider it already done.


The Hair Goddess

P.S. You left a shit ton of hair on my bathroom floor can you please come pick it up, hehe--You're haircut rocks by the makes me want to bend you over the bathroom counter and yank it really hard... oh dear... I don't think the Tribunal would approve of my unprofessional antics at this point... so hit me up later... on the down low, ha.


Okay--I have yet another retraction. Lil Miss Bubbly in the office isn't as bad as I described her to be. I think I was just overly cranky yesterday. Granted I have to deal with her in small doses...I had an epiphany yesterday when Jen was over and she was like, "so you really just don't like bubbly people huh..." I had to pump the brakes a bit and I realized that yes, I have an overall issue for the super smiley, cheery, cheerleader types... I dunno...perhaps I'm just one of THOSE people, lol.

Anyway, it really isn't anything against her as a person, cuz like I said, she's super nice... its just this energy level she has that makes me want to shut the door in her face (well only sometimes).

Just thought I'd clarify this matter. It's not her...I'm obviously the one with issues...many many many issues, ha ha.
Sidenote: Pepper Puppy (who just celebrated her 1 yr. birthday a couple of weeks ago, has gotten so big. Considering she was 4 pounds and a "sickly puppy" at that when I got her... I'm so happy with how she's growing up. Now if I could get her to stop eating litter critters and rolling in dead shit we'd be good to go. What a great dog--and quite the soccer player as well. (the bandana she's wearing in the pic was made for her by my mom... she ate it from around her neck the day after this picture was taken... no more bandanas for a while.

The Deep End

What's the word that means smart and dumb simultaneously--seriously? Because I fell off the deep end and did just that, something that was dumb and brilliant all at the same time.

I got a new car. Sure, the economy blows right now, no one is guaranteed a job from one day to the next and so on--BUT WHAT A BEAUTY.

I traded in my 2004 Dodge Ram 1500 (with all sorts of body damage)...her name was "Butchie" and she was my quasi-dream truck (quasi because she wasn't an extended cab and didn't have power windows for four wheel drive, lol) but I loved her nonetheless. I picked her because of her throaty rumble and how everytime I started the ignition the "musical" noise that escaped the dual pipes made me cream my pants to say the least. I got rid of her for a few reasons: 1. Everytime I looked at her I thought of my ex and got pissed because of all the body damage that could have been avoided had I just broke it off with her sooner and stayed broken up with her, lol. 2. Gas at one time was high as giraffe pussy and was killing me to keep her filled. I was averaging 89 bucks a week in fuel and thats if I strictly drove to work and back, no social outings... most of the time I'd have to fill up once and top off in the same week--OUCH. 3. She was wearing out quickly, poor girl.

I bought a 2008 Hyundai Tiburon because: 1. Hyundai has this thing right now where if you lose your job, they make your payment for 3 months and if after that you aren't back on your feet, you can turn the car back in without damaging your credit (there is a catch to that of course). 2. When I did my research she's the one that caught my eye (and they were able to hide my negative equity pretty well in him because of various rebates and discounts) 3. Kelley blue book estimated my truck to be worth between 3 and 4 grand because of its mileage (and that does not include the body damage that was over 3 grand worth to fix in itself)--I got 3500 for her, so I'm content with that. 4. She's my first NEW car (not just new to me but NEW new), he had 21 miles on her. 5. DUDE--automatic or manual (i'm going to stick with automatic), Satellite Radio, CD, Removable Faceplate and remote, and 18 presets for the tuner, lol... Better gas mileage, super cute car, V4 instead of V8 and just good stuff all around.

What's her name you ask? Well I say her, but she's really a gay man. (I think) Her name is JAZZ... why? Well Jen's son, lil man was so stoked when he saw my new car and he went on and on and on about how it looked like the transformer Jazz and even went as far as to call his Grandma in Colorado and tell her "Tommy got a new car and it has guns on the front..." lol... He thinks that my front lights look like guns, which I find amusing, but anyway. I think that Jazz has stuck and is completely appropriate for her to be named.

Good times and very exciting... only downside is that my license plate no longer fits... you see it says AGYNA, but its on a UVA plate with a Big orange V in front so my plate spells VAGYNA, lol...worked on my pick up, not so much on Jazz.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009


I have chewed the same piece of gum for so long today that it has literally sucked every ounce of spit out of my mouth and stored it somewhere else...what the hell? I need to drink more water and chew less jaw hurts.

Side note: the real bubbly new girl keeps coming into my office and talking to me for no apparent reason. The sad thing is she's a completely nice person, but the fact that she is like the mini me version of the member of management who urks the living shit out of me makes me want to just look at her and say, "Can you do me a favor and stop breathing please?" K, Thanks...

I'm such a bitch and I can't even help it. Super happy, cheery, bouncy, oh my gosh everything is wonderful, perhaps overly medicated on antidepressant people make me want to cut myself. Again, nothing against her...she seems like such a nice

I did it

Okay, I did it, let the ass raping begin...(no not seriously)

I just submitted my information to have a recruiter for Haircuttery give me a call. Not just a see they are like head hunters...they want to call and check on you, see if you have any questions, give you thirty minutes to decide what you want to do, where you're able to work and what your availability is then call you all over again.

I've decided that I'm going to pick up a few nights during the week (attempting to avoid weekends entirely) to supplement my income and use for "fun money." No, I'm not planning on making this my sole livelihood again, but hey it's a start. I love doing hair (just on my terms)--I hate doing perms and old lady hairstyles...I like the hip/funky styles like obnoxious colors, punk rock razor cuts, even updos but ya know I have to grow up sometime and for right is what it is.

I'm proud of myself for taking this step, but at the same time I'm a little nervous in general...doing hair isn't just about doing hair... it also means that I'm going to have turn my charm back on, tolerate ignorant asses who come in with pictures of Jennifer Aniston but look like Quasimoto--i'm not saying I don't want to do ugly peoples' hair... I just hate how a lot of folks don't realize that they need to get haircuts that are flattering... If you have a five-head (elongated forehead) you probably need bangs, etc...

I'm such a damn hair snob. But on the plus side haircuttery does free classes with no limit to how many you I can broaden my horizon's again. Good times good times.

When and if I decide to do hair fulltime again...It will be on my terms and only fabulous crazy shit like MULLETS....I FUCKING HATE MULLETS.

Need for speed

So here's some background for you...I have a history of lead foot disease. No, it's not genetic and really I seem to be the only one in my family with the issue, but it's there nonetheless. Let's just say that in the State of Virginia that you are only allowed to accrue so many points before they revoke your shit (in a one and two year period...)--well I am one ticket/incident away from that happening for real.

I've already been entered into the Driver's Improvement program that the state has (which translates into hey, take the defensive driving course, get five points back on your license and slow the hell down) once...and I'm back in it again it turns out (found this out about a year go).

Part of it is my ex's fault. (okay so not directly, but it's way easier to blame her for it) Okay, I hit a parked car a while after getting my truck and rather than driving off and having karma catch up with me I reported it to my insurance and left a note on the persons car. That "at fault accident" cost me points. Then I got a ticket for following too closely ON TOP OF the "at fault accident" charge --(the scene: I had just finished working the night shift and was driving into VA Beach to an interview for a different job. My ex called me and attempted to continue a fight that had drug on for what seemed like years, but was only days that morning before she went to work. I kept trying to get off the phone and she just kept pushing the issue...I was getting more irritated by the moment because I'm the type of person where if people keep pushing issues rather than letting me cool off or wrap my head around shit then I'm gonna snap or just dump your ass so I don't have to deal with it anymore. So anyway, the car in front of me slams on its brakes and then weaves into the other lane, the car in front of him slammed on his brakes and I in one swift motion said: "I'LL CALL YOU BACK" hung up my phone and drove into the back of a guy on 64 in rush hour morning traffic. FUCK ME SIDEWAYS. So anyway I had a shit ton of damage to my truck, which I never fixed because I had tuition due at the same time the insurance check came in and well...I justified spending the money on school because a truck in my mind is supposed to look a little abused...but in reality it just pissed me off to look at it later on and made me want to punch the ex in the face even though that is not my scene. I did try and run her over later in the day though...but that's a whole other story...)

So anyway then a speeding ticket as well...moral of the story, lots of points, one more strike and I'm out.

So yesterday I was in a rental car because I just bought a new car and they were doing the work for the stuff I had added to it. Its a fabulous car, but I'll save that for another blog when I have pics or something--so anyway they give me a Freaking Chevy Aveo, which really turns out to be one of the ugliest cars I've ever seen (its like a shortbus jelly bean or something) Seriously it must have like 2 cylinders and get like 87 miles to the gallon right...well anyway I'm driving back to the dealership yesterday and going to return the rental when I pass a state trooper--I look down at the speedometer and am going 70 miles an hour in a 55 (might have been 45 by then...I dunno) so i let off the accelerator and coasted by figuring the cop would turn around and give me that one last ticket and cut my license up on the spot...well they didn't, but I went off on a tangent...

What it boils down to is that the whole time I was isn't the fact that I'm potentially going to lose my license that sucks because, yeah I was in the wrong for speeding again--i just didn't want my last speeding ticket to be issued while i was driving A MOTHER FUCKING CHEVY AVEO... I mean seriously... had it been my Dodge Ram 1500 with the V8 and dual pipes and the throaty rumble...HELL YEAH WRITE ME A TICKET....but an AVEO... that would have seriously sucked!!! Luckily no tickets were issued.

I'm going to have to be super careful in my new car point in having a new car if I have no license to operate it. Geez. What a close call.

Tuesday, March 24, 2009

one of those people

SO I'm totally one of those people that picks their nose in traffic. Granted, I don't eat boogers or anything there is just this total sense of accomplishment and relief that comes with digging in my nose.

My technique involves the rolling function--you know where you just roll it in a ball until it falls off your fingers...(it encourages vacuuming of the car more frequently) lol

But my real question and really...anyone share their thoughts: what do boogers smell like?

What it boils down to...

I'm going to have to change my haircut and color. The fucking HR manager for the client company I work onsite for totally copied me...(several times...) therefore I'm going to rock some shit I know she can't pull off. I'm thinking platinum blonde with purple streaks/chunks...

I dunno gotta do something different...I have way more hair than I'm used to and when I faux hawk it it's way too tall...decisions decisions.

Heads up

I just wanted to inform everyone that I just purchased the winning lottery ticket for tonight's drawing. No, the drawing hasn't been held yet, but I know I'm a winner. End of story.

With my winnings I have many things planned, to include--but not limited to:
-buying the Lipstick Lounge in Nashville, TN and turning it into a chain it will be in all the hot least most of them, lol

-pay off my bazillion dollars in student loans

-buy a house (with a wrap around porch and bathroom with a bathtub big enough for six people--though there is only one other person I can think of wanting in there with me, and a yard and a swingset and a hammock... and a wireless fence thing to keep Pepper in check, etc)

-Split it with my family

-Give a big ass chunk to Jen so she can do whatever she wants to with it, such as give to her family, or build a guest house out behind my house (KIDDING...she can totally live with me.)

-Pay off all my bills

-Take all 6 of my last remaining classes to complete my bachelor's

-I'd create my own reality tv show...because really my dysfunctional family and the random shit that happens on the day to day is definitely worth the investment

-INVEST INVEST INVEST (but not right away, lol...I'd wait to be sure that the economy is ready for my investments...I'm not trying to lose the shit, lol)

-NEVER WORK AGAIN at a normal job (I'd oversee my club/bars but I'd keep my own schedule) and a lot of my time would be spent doing charity work

-I'd then be able to do one of those three day breast cancer walks...which I think would be awesome

-I forgot to mention I'd have a hair salon in my home so that I could still do hair when I felt like it (like mine for instance, and Jens, moms and mandis, etc etc) but I want a shampoo bowl and the real deal I don't have that in house at the moment

-I'd spend a lot of my time working for the charities that do hair and makeup for cancer patients (styling wigs, or their hair, putting on their makeup to help make them feel better)

-I'd continue to do quasi-pro bono hairdos as well. (the fact is I don't do hair fulltime anymore for many reasons, but the most relevant one at the moment is that I cant stand how ridiculous salon prices are these days. I have a client whose hair I do, I go to her house and color, cut and style her hair--mind you I foil in two colors and do an all over glaze and only charge her fifty bucks...dude the shit alone is 20...and I'm not even tacking on gas money...that to me is a steal...) sure I could charge more, but it just doesn't feel right.

Sidenote: I was once offered a job at an upscale salon whose haircuts for women started at 45 bucks...all because the manager saw some haircolor I had done...she wanted me to work there and I refused. It wasn't my scene, not to say that that scene is bad--but I didnt feel right about it...The easiest way to explain it is that I'm all about fabulous for less.

Okay so I'm rambling, but you get the point....IMA BOUT TO BE A RICH BITCH, LOL.

Monday, March 23, 2009


So in my last post I referred to the issue being a stupid VA state law--I'd like to retract that and state that it's actually an assanine California State law and because the client company is CA based, they have the right to act upon it. BOO HISS. Okay, work to do peace out.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Fuck me in the ass Friday (no not really)

So Friday proved to be a rough day for me in the sense that I realized that while my job is not phyiscally difficult on most days (unless I hop in a truck and help my contractors unload it--which happens from time to time, but not as much now that the bulk of the freight has been furniture ranging from these awesome beach chairs, well officially Adirondack chairs to 250 pound dining room tables)--damn I ramble, oh well. So the point is that my job is the most emotionally difficult shit I've ever had to do. My original thought last September when I layed off 13 people from my shift, and my boss layed off another 12 from hers was that you have to be heartless to be in management and not have shit like that bother you.

I mean, hey shit happens, I understand that, really I do, however, I never planned on having to fire someone who didnt deserve it or hadnt done something to warrant them being escorted out of the building. Since I started in my position in August as Second Shift On-site Supervisor (or team lead depending on how you want to look at it) I've probably had to fire 150 people on the low side--of those, probably only 30 were for issues such as violating attendence policies, or safety policies (actually one I had to fire because he threatened another contractor with a knife on the recieving dock--that was interesting. I came back to the warehouse from the hospital because I had another contractor hurt themselves to see another contractor sitting outside with one of the Cost Plus supervisors. They had to wait for me to get there because of co-employment laws or some shit (mind you I work for a staffing agency and its out job to provide labor to Cost Plus) moving on... I find out what had happened and he went to go inside to call a ride because I couldnt have him going back into work and we had to stall him until the police got there--I never thought I'd have to say something along the lines of, "Hey dude, can I hold you knife for you when you go back into the building?" He handed it over with no issues, I guess its a good thing to have rapport with your contractors even if alot of them are quite scary lol. The cops came, he was fired, etc etc etc

But anyway--Friday I got a list of more people to end assignments for and I'm sorry but I know its my job but it fucking sucks to be the bad guy when the economy as bad as it is. Granted I'm just the messenger and I don't decide who stays and who goes --but I cant help but think sometimes what I'm going to walk out of the warehouse and find (i.e. my truck keyed with some flattering sign of endearment such as CUNT or someone waiting with a knife or gun, or just fists in general...its scary sometimes) I personally try and get along with everyone, but its not a good thing when people come from the main office and are scared to walk the floor of the warehouse because of how "hood" things looked--okay way to go stereotyper...

People are dumb sometimes. So anyway there is some sketchy shit going on and I'm always the last one to know shit because I'm low man on the totem pole. I can't even explain what is going on right now but I had to knowingly lie to four of my contractors and say there was no work on Monday so that they can be at home and waiting for a phone call to be fired by the big boss because of some fucked up Virginia law related to co-employment or some shit. They won't give me details and the only reason I know that much is from a reliable source at Cost Plus World Market...Yeah I've got some hella rapport with some folks. When my bosses are telling me shit and I'm getting details from folks that I'm not supposed to SOMETHING IS MOTHER FUCKING UP.

Oh did I mention I'm paranoid by nature. So anyway I ended up ending about 20 assignments yesterday at end of shift and just wanted to cry. I like being a supervisor and I love my job for sure (most of the time) but they dynamics of everything are changing and the constant not knowing from one day to the next is killing me. I realize taht the economy blows right now and that really no one has job security, but I would like a little more than I have. For now I'm just going to be thankful to have a job.

Wednesday, March 18, 2009


Her eyes are my invitation
Her lips are my weakness
Her arms are my refuge
Her touch is my undoing
Her kiss is my salvation
Her smile is my destination
Her voice is my beacon of light
Her embrace is my reward
Her laugh is my warmth
Her heart is my anchor
Her skin is my yearning
Her face is my delight
Her beauty is my addiction
Her love is my everything
Her name is Jen
I can only hope that
My eyes are as inviting
my lips are as enticing
my arms are as fulfilling
my touch is as electrifying
my kiss is as quenching
my smile is as pleasing
my smell is as intoxifying
my voice is as defending
my embrace is as satisfying
my laugh is as contagious
my heart is as open
my skin is as glowing
my face is as astonishing
my beauty is as breathtaking
my love is as intense
Shes a total package and I'm so thankful she found me.
I love that she loves me, (wink wink)
I'm hers.
I love you babe

That's what I get for thinking...

Goal: Take nap after work

Problem: Rolled up in the driveway and see Pepper waiting for me on the porch...put the truck in park and get out, Pepper is patiently yet spastically waiting for me to greet her when I notice she is a hot mess.

The fields around the house were recently plowed and then it rained for like six days Pepper totally jumped on the opportunity to roll around in the mud for a lack of better explanation.

So, long story short--rather than being able to come home, say hi to grandma and slip into coma mode and nap; i had to run inside and give Pepper a bath. Well then I had to add cleaning the bathroom to the list because the shower was riddled with mud and ick. Well then I had to add laundry to the list because I was covered in mud too...

I did finally get the nap though....great nap, awful dreams (ranging from my friend julie getting a jacked up haircut with crooked bangs and a mullet--I hate mullets) and a bunch of work ended on a good note though because the last dream segment was me waking up to Jen and well let's face it thats always a good thing.

Moral of the story: none, now its late, I still havent started on homework for the week (in addition to the normal work load I have a fucking stupid paper due), Ive got a load of laundry to fold and another to dry....BUT on a happy note, Pepper is super soft and clean and smells good. I just finished watching House was actually cute/funny...a pleasant surprise but now my ass is numb.

I need a hug and some chocolate and a Dr. Pepper, I so hate being a girl sometimes.

If there were a window at work--I'd jump out, ha

So I'm not sure at what point I ceased being a supervisor and transitioned into in super cool best bud mode? Seriously, I'm effing confused. Here I am trying to make phone calls to tell a quite lengthy list of my contractors to not come into work tomorrow when the phone rings... It's one of my contractors who was a. calling to see if there was work tomorrow and b. to tell me that she was going to go get a piercing. Okay really? So I can't help but think that because she knows that I'm gay and she's gay to that in her mind we have shit tons of stuff in common. I'm going to take, she has no fucking clue for a thousand alex...

I'm openly gay, yes--however, that does not mean that in a work situation that I'm going to give you special treatment just because OMG you're gay too. Seriously, wtf? So anyway, maybe I'm just having a stereotypical overly hormonal day I'm so famous for, but when she called back to let me know that she got the piercing done and that she couldnt feel her face and blah blah blah and how the piercer had to be gay because she gave her her second piercing for free and then asked for a hug at the end--perhaps I was out of line when I snapped and told her, "hey dude, please don't forget you work in a warehouse with dirty shit floating in the air, please cover them before you come back to work so you're face doesn't get infected and fall off." Jesus Mary and Joseph these people stress me out.

I feel more like a babysitter or principal than a supervisor most times. I mean sure, I like to have fun at work, but there's always a time to be serious. I have supervised a shift of 97 general warehouse workers during peak season, but now that things have died down and the economy officially blows, I have 60 active contractors, of which 30 to 40 actually work daily. Each department has its own group of weirdos and I'm oddly okay with it most days. Today however, I'm going to throw the girl card and blame it on bleeding. Have I mentioned lately that I'd like to rip my own uterus out, perhaps tan it like a deer hide and use it as a fruit bowl or something constructive along those lines, maybe use it as the main focal point in a sculpture, or even donate it to the local elementary school for use in a class project or something, I dunno. The point is, it does nothing for me but bleed and hurt and I'd much rather have it for something more fun... hell I dunno even create a drinking game somehow centered around my uterus once I yank it out, lol.

Sorry for the side tangent, back to the point. So I work in a warehouse and each department has its own issues. My inbound guys for instance are all dirty pervs. A lot of older black men with gold teeth, who never manage to look me in the face when I'm talking, even if I'm coaching them on something or writing them up for safety violations...always mumbling some crazy shit about how my ass looks in my jeans or some stupid shit. Yesterday, I made the mistake of referring to something as being "jacked up" and one dude twisted it to something to do with jacking him off. Most of the time they do shit to try and get a reaction out of me (especially since they've all caught on to the fact that I'm a lesbian, its like they try extra hard now to gross me out or piss me off). I occassionally have to snap them back into reality and play the sexual harassment or insubordination or just flat out level with them and say things along the lines of "look jackass--I'm still you're boss and just because you talk to women on the street like this doesn't mean you have the right to do the same when it comes to me..." and on that note, go on to add "thats probably while you'll be sitting alone at home with a beer in your left hand and your dick in your right and I'll be at home curled up with a beautiful woman..." so yeah, i'm just as much of a problem than they are--but still....its a warehouse, theres a certain amount of shit talking expected. They just piss me off because I'm outnumbered. I can't talk to all my contractors the same way but the ones who I can be "for real" with no when not to fuck with me.

There is this new chick outside of my office with a group of various office people, the GM, the HR Manager, the Safety Manager and then her, she's the new HR generalist or some shit and she's all extra cheery and fake and smilely and shit and I want to throw something at her or just staple things to her forehead just to make her not so cheery for a change...DAMN IT I NEED A NAP OR SOMETHING but seriously her voice is making me want to cut myself, or gouge my eyes out with a dull object. Fuck me.

So really I don't even remember why I started this blog in the first place. What I have accomplished seems to be the random rantings of a chick in need of some form of hormone equilibrium lol. I give up for now.

So I'm going to start the bidding for a barely used nice and shiny uterus at like 5 dollars. And if you call within the next eight minutes and fifteen seconds, I'll even throw in the fallopian tubes, eggs, ovaries, etc and every single feminine hygiene product I have on hand (I should own stock theres so many of the damn things) as for the uterus, QUANTITIES ARE LIMITED SO ACT NOW.

Fine print: vagina/clit combo NOT FOR SALE (just the stuff behind it, heh)


I have a theory on this octomom chaos. At first I thought it was the new mother of eight, fourteen total that was the complete and total jackass moron in this new thoughts on this whole topic however are more geared to the general public being completely assanine. Octomom is a freaking genius if you think about it...I mean however a lady with no job and too many damn kids as it is can afford to have envitro fertilization done for one amazes me. Secondly, she is quasi-famous now and finally--the amount of free shit she is getting from organizations and/or people (whether it be because they legitimately want to help or because they just want to advertise through octo-dummy I'm not sure) is out of this world.

I just don't know how to feel about living in a country whose values and concept of right and wrong, or the just fucking plain retarded has become so clouded. It's unbelievable really. I mean why do I feel like a bad person for thinking, okay lady you had six fucking kids already--what in god's name made you want more, when you already couldn't provide for the ones you had. Perhaps she was looking at the kickass tax return she'd be getting or something...but wait dont you have to work to get one of those? I'm so damned digusted, disappointed, and flat out outraged by this whole topic I don't know what to do with myself.

It's a damn shame if you ask me, some folks shouldn't have kids, much less FOURTEEN OF THE MOTHER FUCKERS!!! Don't get me wrong, I'm no lesbian kid hater... I just can't turn off the logistics of this matter.... am I the only that's seeing the fine print in this deal. She's a conartist and should have her uterus ripped out and be beaten to death with it...OMG!!! I'm so done with her, and shame on folks like Dr. Phil and Oprah for having her dumbass on their shows...effing ridiculous.