It's funny to me really. The transition. I feel almost at a loss for words...but really I just don't have anything to say and to be honest I feel there is a difference.
You see, I've been trying to get my mind right. For my sake and the sanity of those that love and care for me, I began this process well over a month ago... this process for me means medication. Lol. I've mentioned it before and I while I try to segregate specific discussions to my other blog... I feel this is relevant. The transition I am referring to is that of becoming "balanced."
You see the me that most everyone knows, is NOT medicated. And 75 percent of the time I can keep myself in check, only falling off the wagon and doing dumb shit a small portion of the time and doing REALLY dumb shit that I can justify in my head at any given moment an even smaller portion of the time... On a scale of 1 to 10 I spend most of my time in a 5-6 range, my story telling and fun self ventures as high up to an 8 without getting out of hand while my sad self gets down to a 3 before I feel like hurting myself....
The point of this whole numbers game is now that I'm "balanced or at least in the process... I'm getting nothing but weird feed back from EVERYONE. I feel like such an outsider. I feel alienated from everyone which in part has made it so difficult to stay on medication in the first place. The only fucking fun part of being bipolar is that it makes you more animated when it comes time to tell a story you know...
When you no longer jump from a 3 to a 7 to a 5 to a 6 to a 4 to a so on... and you consistently stay at a 5 to a 5.5... everyone spends there time asking you shit like, "what's wrong?", "what's on your mind?" "You don't have much to say..." etc etc etc... "Why are you being so short with me?" Um, I didn't say anything, how am I being short with you...
Am I at a loss for words or do I just have nothing to say? Doesn't mean I'm not engaged and certainly doesn't make me unhappy....
This is just a process... a transition... it doesnt happen overnight and it's gonna take some getting used to. Hell lets face it... I've never really stuck with this whole medication thing... I've gotta stick with it sometime and since I've got a second chance with the woman I love the only way I know i'm gonna NOT fuck it up is to definitely stay medicated, avoid super manic modes which lead to me doing really impulsive out of the ordinary shit that i would typically SO TOTALLY NOT FUCKING NORMALLY TYPICALLY DO.
1 comment:
I imagine these are the same issues every person with biploar goes through when starting medication.
Keep doing what you need to take care of yourself and your family. Everyone else will just have to find a way to deal with it.
HUgs to you.
PS: Happy you and Jen are working things out. :))
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