so I'm not afraid to overshare when it comes to my hoo-ha and quite frankly I feel the need to overshare right now.
You see, I've decided to name my vagina Helga. Yes, Helga of all things. Helga, I picture her being part German, having a unabrow, being the decendant of vikings somewhere in her bloodline... and granted i'm sure this is painting no pretty picture of my vagina and well quite frankly I don't care what type of friggin mental image you have of my hoo ha since the only image that matters is my real life view (and feel) and Jen's take on the matter and she has not complaints... but I digress, I'm sure there's a point coming somewhere along the way here... I think helga would be the type to bully people on the playground and steal lunch money too...but I don't know that thats either here nor there....
I've had a long history of frequent yeast infections. Okay stop. Side note. Not like the icky immediate mental picture that may have popped in your head with the whole cottage cheese thing happening... hell it's barely even an itch... I'm an exception to the rule... but I will tell you, I refuse, REFUSE to eat Ricotta cheese on the grounds of my lifestyle and what the fuck it looks like... I also don't eat cottage cheese, but that's a texture thing and i just don't like how it feels in my mouth, may also be subconsciously related, i dunno.
So anyway, back to my five star bakery vagina... So anyway, the crotch doc always tests for diabetes because of the frequency of these infections and always NOTHING... no explanation. Well a little over a month ago I went to the crotch doc for the worst situation I've ever faced in my entire life. I thought for sure I was going to die from vaginal death. My hoo-ha was irritated and HATED me. and felt like I had take a box cutter to it and just sliced it up. I couldnt touch it. It hurt to wipe, it hurt to pee, and if jen even thought of trying to get me in the mood I threatened to kill her. It hurt to wash it and I forgot one night and sprayed it with the spray nozzle we have in the shower and it brought tears to my eyes and my knees buckled and I thought for sure i'd pass out in the shower... took my breath away even.
I thought for sure the doc was going to tell me that something was seriously wrong with me... I was thinking karma was coming to get me for sure... I was preparing for the worst. She gets down there and takes a look at it and saw the irritation and verified the usual culprit...yeast. (yeah, i know, who the hell blogs about this shit... hey you know what I DO... SO WHATEVER).... Mind you, I had just been treated for one less than three months earlier.... her focus was less on the inside and more on the outside and she was like omg, you've got sores....
SORES!!! Okay, she apologized, sores is a bad word to use, not sores, like herpes sores (she chuckled...) really lady...not funny, but like TINY LITTLE PAPER CUTS .... tiny little paper cuts on my hoo-ha... no fucking wonder it hurts for air to hit it....
It turns out that i have very fair skin down there and that soap just doesn't agree with it. Soap is washing away all the good bacteria, apparently a very common thing for a lot of women... So from this point the conversation went like this....:
Dr: You have very fair skin, i'll prescribe you a pill for the yeast and a cream to help with the irritation to get things back under control, you'll feel 300 percent better by sunday (this was on a friday)
me: awesome
dr: and stop using soap
Me: Okay, what do i use instead of soap
dr: nothing, just water
Me: laughing, no really, what do i use instead of soap (expecting ashton kutcher to come jumping out from behind the poster of the female reproductive system at any moment)--she couldn't be fucking serious
dr: You don't wash your eye balls do you, you don't wash the inside of your nose do you?
me: no, they arent MY VAGINA...
dr: chuckles... wash the rest of your body, the soap will run through and over it, it will work out, trust me
me: do you ever have dinner parties?
dr: occassionally, why?
me: would you serve your guests off of dirty plates?
dr: no, why?
me: did I mention I'm a lesbian?
dr: laughs... you'll be fine, trust me, it will work out
me: I'll try it but I'm just picturing a clambake, I'm guessing sleeping with no undies is still a good idea
Dr; yes and when you get out of the shower when you blow dry your hair, blow dry that hair too
Me: (I had nothing clever to say here, considering if you see how short my hair is, it's fucking obvious, i'm not blowdrying shit...)... not to mention who the fuck has time to blow dry pubes... i'd shave the bitches completley off, but i'm just not into that... i like some hair... not like wooly mammoth thick, but not like kindergarten either....
Anyway...you see where this is headed.... I tried not using soap on my hoo-ha for like three days... and just felt gamey... I couldnt do it... except now... a month later I'm in a similar predicament... with an irriated hooha so I'ma have to find a compromise, I'm looking for suggestions. Nonsoap, but something suggestions. I need to feel like my vagina is clean I WORK IN A DAMN WAREHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND SWEAT ALL DAY I'm not just trying to splash water on her and call it a day you know...but soap pisses her off...
HELP. HELP. HELGA NEEDS HELP.
3 comments:
This made me laugh! Nothing against you, but I actually am having the same problem. It was fine then... BAM! It hurts... and I also want to use soap, but it hurts. The whole "just use water" thing isn't really floating my boat either!
Dude I know right... you'll figure out quickly that no subject is off limits when it comes to what I'll blog about, lol. But yeah... I tried the summers eve non soap feminine wash...yeah, SOOOO wasn't cuttin' it... luckily its all in my head cuz jen hasnt noticed anything scary, my coworkers aren't running for hills, my nose hairs haven't been singed off yet, but good grief... I have to wrap my head around this whole concept of no friggin soap... WHO DOES THIS. Welcome jess... glad you got a kick out of this ;)
Helga is one high maintenance bitch! Doesn't surprise me considering the source. :))
I was going to suggest those speciality Hoo-ha washes but I read that had already been tried. Maybe some baby shampoo or other sensitive skin wash?
For some reason, I had the mental flash of you with a blow dryer styling a faux-hawk above and below. OMG, I don't need that visual!!!
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