I fucked up

It's official, I fucked up.  I was in charge of a transfer order a couple of weeks ago.  I pulled all the inventory for the order and then gave it to the shipping supervisor to get out the door.  I found out today that some of the trays I sent were the wrong ones.  This lead to the right ones needing to be overnighted from VA to Washington State which cost the company about 800 bucks.  We also had to send the balance of the trays that were needed for the company we outsourced some work to, to complete and ship on time out via estes... about 13 pallets. 

The crappy thing is that there was no system of checks and balances.  The shipping supervisor didn't even have paperwork for what was supposed to go out to verify that what I gave him was correct.  I never have a quality person working with me to verify stuff so it's like Im expected to never make a mistake. 

I dunno.  With everything else that is happening in work hell, I just feel like this is the ammunition they needed to get me out the door sooner than later.  I've never been in a situation with such a serious "boys club"... Here's the deal:

I'm:
Female
Gay
Independent
A strong mind
Opinionated
A thinker
A leader
a by the book/follow procedures person

They are:
Male
Hetero
recruiters of Yes men
want things their way
Hate it when someone points out a fault in their plan

I dunno...it's ridiculous.  I don't even want to talk about it anymore.  But it seem sto be all I have to talk about. This is where I spend all my time.  I never see Jen, I never have money even though I work all these hours because of this ass raping called salary... but I should be able to see the blesssings right... I should appreciate the small things... IT'S FUCKING HARD.

I called my mom this afternoon on lunch.  It's hard because I never see her anymore either compared to what I used to.  All I do is work AND now that I live 40 minutes away my visits are quite limited. I'm going through withdrawls. They decided about 11 o'clock that we need to work tomorrow after saying all week that we were going to be off this saturday. This is what pisses me off.  I cried. I cried I cried.

I was upset because my niece just turned one on Wednesday and Saturday was to be the day taht I could spend time with her since she lives out of town...along with my sister. Now my time is limited.  Very limited. After the party that I'm going to be late for, I need to try and give my grandma a perm.  I'm not going to have a weekend free for a while because of work and when I do have free time I/m going to have to be doing Santa's hair getting him ready for his gigs...

It's not that I cant say no.  It's just that I rely on some things for extra money (money which is needed and not really extra actually)... like gmas perm, or santas hair, or my client that I do about every 5 weeks.

I'm stressed all the time, I have no money to just do whatever with.  I have property taxes due and no way to pay it right now... this is really bumming me out.  I'mt rying to make it work, I really am.  It's just hard.

I cried when I got home today.  Jen was still here, she was getting ready for work, lil man was with the sitter.  Its hard. I want to tell her about my day and all the things on my mind, but then she worries about me and stresses out more than she should.  She said she feels helpless because when she offers help I dont want it.  She has her own financial obligations and I feel bad enough only being able to do what little I can, I don't want to feel like I'm gettin an allowance from her you know.  I'm not overly proud... I just think that her money could be better spent, bills, groceries etc.

I feel like I never have a day off because even when I am at home as few as those instances are, I'm cleaning, scrubbing, doing six loads of laundry, or somethign to that effect.  Why can't I turn off my things need to be clean self?  I was going to clean tonight but just said fuck it. Whats the point, it will be dirty again tomorrow.  Nothing seems to get put back up unless I do it. Nothing gets put away unless I do it.  Jen has given up to some extent because she hates how I come behind her and clean what she's just cleaned.  Well you know what IM SORRY. I'm sorry that when I walk into a bathroom that has just been cleaned and see pee around the base of the toilet from the only person in the house that has an aiming device but hasn't mastered it yet that I feel compelled to clean it.  I'm sorry that i can only walk over the same wad of dog hair on the carpet for so many days in a row. I'm sorry that I think we should cook dinner, like actually means and not do fast food or take out except for special occassions... but by the time I get home It's too late for that to happen and not have a six year old freaking out about how hungry he is.

I'm sorry that for some reason Ic an't do anything right in the eyes of a 6 year old because I don't think the way he has been acting is school is tolerable.  I'm sorry that I had to overhear him for the second day in a row tell the babysitter that he wanted her to read to him and not me because I read too fast and don't say the words right. (Which I don't, he just wants me to read it super slow or more than one book so that he can stay up later, but whatever, what do I now)...

I'm sorry that I'm over fucking sensitive and when I see the straightening iron out on the bathroom counter and Jen's hair done i immediately ask myself who she's trying to impress... I'm not used to her doing her hair... she goes through phases... but several times in one week and I'm not the one seeing her... I have to assume that she's making an effort for someone.  I'm sorry I'm a jackass for thinking such things.

I'm sorry that in recent conversations I realized that Jen's fear is that I'm going to cheat on her because of the fact that I was with someone when we started talking.  I never physically cheated, but in her mind, because I was laying next to one woman and thinking about a potential with her that I'll do the same thing to her eventually except she won't be the "other woman", she'll be the one I'm looking to replace.  Though I don't get it.  I dont have time for her much less anyone else.  She sees how disgusting I am when i get home from work, how depressed i've been for several weeks/months now... why would this come up now?

this blog is meant as a means to vent only... I'm not trying to share with the entire free world that jen and I are having issues...because it's not like that.  It's just the fact that in my eyes everything is amplified. I feel alone and trapped in my job, I'm overly tired, I'm super sensitive and feel like my partner and son hate me and like I can't do anything right EVER.

I'm drowning. Silently wasting away.  All I can do at this point is hope and pray that I find the strength to keep going, that some great thing happens soon to solve everything that is contributing to my issues.  Because at the end of the day, I'm the only common denominator in all my issues.  Just me. I can't blame anyone else despite my need to bitch about everyone and everything (ie Pepper putting her paw on my keyboard as I typed and making my 1 key pop off.   Awesome.

I just want to disappear sometimes. Move somewhere new and start fresh.  Take my lottery winnings and see things.  Settle down in somewhere like oregon or Vermont and call it a day.  Summer wherever the hell I want to...

I'm crumbling under the pressure and I don't know what to do.  Jen's response to my episode this afternoon did nothing but show me that she's nearing her wits end.  I'm driving her mad but I cant put into words what I'm trying to say in order to communicate with her better.  I always say shit wrong. 

I miss the excitement that used to be in her face when I got home, now it's more of a look of dread that she's going to have to hear about how shitty my day was.  I don't know what to do.  This is the only me I've ever known... the one who deals with shit, shit and more shit until I finally spring a leak, break, and have to start all over again.

i'm scared. I'm scared I'm going to get fired from the job I hate before I can find something else and leave voluntarily.  I'm scared that I'm going to push jen over the edge and then really be alone. i'm scared that lil man is going to grow up and hate me because I hold him accountable for shit and dont cave when he's on punishment and loses things like tv, video games or transformers... I'm scared that I'm growing apart from my family because i never see them anymore, I'm scared that pepper will grow to hate me and bite my face off in my sleep because I moved her from a 100 acre farm to an apartment, I'm scared that the dream job I want doesnt exist. I'm scared i'll be broke forever. I'm scared that I'll spend my entire life busting my ass only for nothing to come from it. I'm scared that I'm really just a failure who is too stubborn to admit it. I'm scared that I'm just incapable of doing anything right. I'm scared that I'm going to continue to lose friendships because I go through phases where I just don't want to talk to anyone, much less see them.

I'm scared of sooo many things.I'm scared that Jen will actually go to blogger after not going for so long and read this and be hurt by it because that isn't my intention.  On the same note however, this is my outlet, this is my getaway, my release. 

I don't care that her ex may potentially still read everything I write on here to keep tabs of her/us... I promised myself a long time ago that I wasn't going to censor myself just because I was worried about what someone my think.  That's not being true to myself by any means. ANd while I'm on the subject do I get pissed off that Jen still talks to her ex, sure, sometimes.  I trust jen and know that nothing is going on, but the other part of me wants to say hey... don't you wish you had admitted to yourself and everyone around you that you're gay instead of living a lie and ripping Jens heart out in the process... I dunno, that's a whole other topic and I have work in the morning so I need to get off of here anyway.  Not enough hours in the day for me to truely vent, or gigabytes for that matter I suppose.

For now, i'mgoing to bed. I'm going to take pepper outside to pee and probably not pick up the pile of dog shit, should she decide to do number two.  I'm going to step over the dog hair patches on the carpet, walk past the dirty dishes in the sink and folded laundry on the counter, use to toilet that I'll probably have to wipe pee off of to sit down on, lay out my clothes for work, turn on the fan so that we can accumulate a little bit more electricity charges, and climb into bed, alone because Jen is still working.

I dunno, mabye all this could be fixed with a hug. I'm scared to have a beer and kick back becuase what if tastes great and then I need a beer or five everyday... what if what if what if.

I'm thinking of changing my blog name to something more relevant:

Weeping pussy
Chickenshit
Debbie Downer

I'm open for suggestions.