Step right up...step right up...take the grand tour...Tommy's head.... OH FUCK, BAIL OUT BAIL OUT...
1. There are these gnarly barn spider type evil creatures that love my moms house... the front porch, the back porch, walk ways...doesn't matter they just love this area. Freaks me out. These creepy breeds in particular have this exoskeleton type thing that looks like armor that nothing would be able to destroy. they are like 8 legged crabs... minus the pinchers... of course I haven't been close enough to rule this out.... the point is there there is this one on the back porch in particular. I've seen it, out in the open plenty of times...especially in the evening. It's web is beautiful...like few I've seen before.... it's odd I'm freaked out by the spider itself, but I respect it's art. I can say this because it's web, beautiful as it may be is well out of my walk way so I haven't walked through it... THANK GOD... the moral of the story is, I feel like if I were to just walk up to it and smoosh it with a flip flop, rock, or small child...then karma will certainly kick my ass... I say that now...if I were walk through a web of any sort, I will not hesitate in going on a killing spree on my way to cardiac arrest.... Fuck.
2. I watched Adventureland--good movie...I'm watching Away we go now... I like it so far (no it gets funnier and funnier as I watch it...).... Friday night I watched Management with Jennifer Aniston and Steve Zahn...pretty good in my opinion.
3. I miss my dad. Like I'm not super close to him, ya know...I love that he thinks its so hilarious that the only thing we have in common is that we both eat pussy, HA. And I never get tired of hearing about how he broke his nose muff diving... but I miss having him around. I guess it's appropriate to say I miss his presence. I miss him riding on his Harley and just loving life in general. He's somewhere now...maybe still Germany now... I don't think he's in kosovo yet... but I dunno... might be one of those if I did know, he'd have to kill me type things, lol.
4. I'm in the mood for another tattoo. If I had the money and new where I wanted to be career wise, I'd have sleeves of them... I think maybe I'll make it a point to get another tattoo after I hit x amount of weight loss. I dunno, sounds good but I always find a reason to get one when i have extra money, lol.
5. I finally finished my resume...last thursday to be exact. I didn't show it to anyone for their opinion or to make changes... I just did it. AND I applied for the job with the City of Suffolk that I want. I dunno, at this point, I guess we'll just have to see. I need to get my ass motivated and update my resume and the multitude of job search engines out there...just start looking... who am I kidding, i need to figure out what the fuck I want to do...not too much longer and the damn student loans will be due. Fuck.
6. I got a letter from school yesterday, i figured it was going to be a bill for the $125 I owe... blah... I need to pay that tomorrow, but they are impossible to get ahold of here lately...and I refuse to drive over there to pay it... nah man... not happening. Anyway, it was a letter saying that I did a great job and got honor roll...HA... seriously, I'm such a fucking dork. I'm book smart, but I struggle in the real world...I'm not incapable, I just havent had the opportunity to really shine or use my brain... eh... I dunno.
7. So this movie, Away we go... may end up being my new favorite movie. Couples Retreat releases on Friday... Vince Vaughn... yeah I'm there. :)
8. My brother stopped by moms house last night. I was getting ready to put lil man in the bath tub... He wreaked up pot and was high out of his mind... I was jealous... Not even kidding. Lol. I would love to have a job where
9. Have I mentioned I love love LOVE wild blue, blueberry lager.... can i get a hell yeah for a beer buzz...lol. I feel like such a rebel, drinking beer on a sudnday night when I should be going to bed early...watching movies, drinking beer and just saying fuck it.... hehe
10. I want to travel, I want to go somewhere... not just the beach...I mean that's always a safe escape... I need to win the lottery so I can afford to travel. I want to get my doctorate...and be a college professor.... that's my dream. I want to end up somewhere like Maine, or Oregon or Washington State.... Montreal, Toronto, somewhere great grand and wonderful, no screaming on the bus. I want to see all kinds of stuff...I will eventually... and I'm lucky to have a wonderful woman to see them with...
11. I love jen. next month will be our year. It's funny... I remember that first message from her on myspace of all things, lol. I couldn't figure out what the deal was... I couldn't tell if she was gay or straight from her profile...(turns out she can't be openly gay at work so she didn't have that info posted...) I saw pics of her from her wedding, but no groom... I knew she was a mom, so I figured she just wanted to make friends or somethign being new to the area... lol. I was so in denial. I mean how could I not just figure it out from a beautiful woman telling me that I was beautiful, lol... I'm so clueless sometimes. I remember the first time I hung out with her and wanted to kiss her so badly but didnt... she smelled so wonderful.... I remember I was working second shift, I got to her house about midnight and she was in her pjs... these long black knit yoga style pants, a spaghetti strap tank top that made her boobs look FUCKING AWESOME, lol... and a hoodie... she had her glasses on and I remember I couldn't stop focusing on her lips...she bites her lip when she's nervous and she practically gnawed it off that night. There I was... fidgety as hell, in jeans and my normal navy blue polo...boring... Who knew... lol... who knew.
12. Jen has great boobs... lol a wonderful ass and is just a total package. I love her... and I love lil man too...
13. Okay my buzz is winning right now...I should probably stop before I start drunk blogging... Good night all...LETS HAVE A KICK ASS WEEK, OKAY? What's on ya'lls agenda?
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Blueberries and Cuddle bugs
It's been a decent weekend. I enjoyed myself. Grandma made it to Holden Beach safely. I'm going to hell because I let her tell me via voicemail rather than actually answering my phone when it rang. I know I know... but just the sound of her voice often sends me over the edge. I didn't want to fuck up a perfectly good Saturday.
I got to sleep in and relax the first part of the day. Then, I picked up lil man and took him to the library. After checking out numerous books about dinosaurs we were walking out and he proclaims, "Tommy, That place is AWESOME...." I had to smile. We rented some movies and then I unveiled a few toys that I had found for him at my favorite thrift store (the DAV where all the proceeds go to the Disabled American Veterans...) Retail therapy for a good cause works for me anytime :) I had found him a leap frog computer thing for three bucks to help him with his ABCs, it only needed batteries--SCORE!!!
I also found an 18 wheeler whose trailer held about sixty hot wheels, thirty or so on each side...again, only about four bucks....SWEET...but the winner was the transformer robot arm I found for him. A normally forty dollar toy, where your hands slides inside and one way it looks like a jet, then you pull this little handle and it transforms into a robot arm with rocket launchers or blasters or something, pretty bad ass and a score for THREE DOLLARS!!! He was stoked. He was like where did you get it and I told a thrift store and he was like OH MY GOD I LOVE THRIFT STORES, LOL.
Today, Jen and I got up and got lil man ready and went to her sister theatre in Norfolk to see a double feature of Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D...in truth my first real 3D experience. It's not the kind these days with the red and blue glasses....this is like high tech shit. So much that with the sugar I decided to splurge the majority of my points on today (yeah right, I opted to take the repercussions and not really count points today but I didn't go too crazy but I digress)...the movie in 3D ended up giving me motion sickness and I had to sprint to the bathroom...luckily i made it...though who's a fan of puking in public. Dreadful. Overall a good time, despite getting sick---I enjoyed an afternoon with Jen and lil man which always rocks.
On the way back home we went to a thrift store that I don't go to often because of how far out it is. Lil man found a few bakugan toys for a buck or so a piece so he's really learning early that Thrift stores are great places :) He knows that I'm not made out of money nor his is mom ...so it's good to be able to spoil him on a budget haha. I did make sure to explain to him that if he got in trouble for not listening whether on the bus or at school or at his mom's house that I would be taking all of the toys away... he knows I mean biznazz... He's not a bad kid...just a boy. lol.
The best part is how we pull up in the parking lot and he announces he has to pee. Of course after we asked him if he needed to go before we left the theatre and he said no. I knew we weren't going to make it find a bathroom so I told Jen to let him go right there in the parking lot with us forming a barrier and prevent our arrest... Well I didn't know that he had to go so bad that the stream would be immediate....it shot out at knee level with extreme force....FUCK...I tried to turn him in the right direction and got hit in the ankle with piss...Jen got hit across the bottom of her jeans, which made me laugh hysterically and in the process of trying to get him situated he peed on the inside of my mom's versa...which Jen and I had borrowed for a change of vehicles, lol...what can i say we are easily amused. I think I've created a monster...I remember the first weekend I spent with lil man by myself...I let him pee outside... I guess because deep down I've always wanted to be able to pee standing up wherever I was... yes my name is Tommy and I have penis envy... heh.
Well I decided after Jen and lil man left to clean the entire downstairs of my mom's house including doing everyone's laundry...they are coming home from Kentucky tomorrow night... I've decided to remind my mom that I'm her favorite...HAHA. No, seriously, I just wanted to help them out and make it where it's one less thing they have to worry about. Plus I'm going to use them this week to help me with Pepper...since I watched dogs for them this past week. All part of my master plan. ;)
I heart blueberry lager...YAY Wild Blue. Freaking awesome. Good weekend. Good times.
I got to sleep in and relax the first part of the day. Then, I picked up lil man and took him to the library. After checking out numerous books about dinosaurs we were walking out and he proclaims, "Tommy, That place is AWESOME...." I had to smile. We rented some movies and then I unveiled a few toys that I had found for him at my favorite thrift store (the DAV where all the proceeds go to the Disabled American Veterans...) Retail therapy for a good cause works for me anytime :) I had found him a leap frog computer thing for three bucks to help him with his ABCs, it only needed batteries--SCORE!!!
I also found an 18 wheeler whose trailer held about sixty hot wheels, thirty or so on each side...again, only about four bucks....SWEET...but the winner was the transformer robot arm I found for him. A normally forty dollar toy, where your hands slides inside and one way it looks like a jet, then you pull this little handle and it transforms into a robot arm with rocket launchers or blasters or something, pretty bad ass and a score for THREE DOLLARS!!! He was stoked. He was like where did you get it and I told a thrift store and he was like OH MY GOD I LOVE THRIFT STORES, LOL.
Today, Jen and I got up and got lil man ready and went to her sister theatre in Norfolk to see a double feature of Toy Story and Toy Story 2 in 3D...in truth my first real 3D experience. It's not the kind these days with the red and blue glasses....this is like high tech shit. So much that with the sugar I decided to splurge the majority of my points on today (yeah right, I opted to take the repercussions and not really count points today but I didn't go too crazy but I digress)...the movie in 3D ended up giving me motion sickness and I had to sprint to the bathroom...luckily i made it...though who's a fan of puking in public. Dreadful. Overall a good time, despite getting sick---I enjoyed an afternoon with Jen and lil man which always rocks.
On the way back home we went to a thrift store that I don't go to often because of how far out it is. Lil man found a few bakugan toys for a buck or so a piece so he's really learning early that Thrift stores are great places :) He knows that I'm not made out of money nor his is mom ...so it's good to be able to spoil him on a budget haha. I did make sure to explain to him that if he got in trouble for not listening whether on the bus or at school or at his mom's house that I would be taking all of the toys away... he knows I mean biznazz... He's not a bad kid...just a boy. lol.
The best part is how we pull up in the parking lot and he announces he has to pee. Of course after we asked him if he needed to go before we left the theatre and he said no. I knew we weren't going to make it find a bathroom so I told Jen to let him go right there in the parking lot with us forming a barrier and prevent our arrest... Well I didn't know that he had to go so bad that the stream would be immediate....it shot out at knee level with extreme force....FUCK...I tried to turn him in the right direction and got hit in the ankle with piss...Jen got hit across the bottom of her jeans, which made me laugh hysterically and in the process of trying to get him situated he peed on the inside of my mom's versa...which Jen and I had borrowed for a change of vehicles, lol...what can i say we are easily amused. I think I've created a monster...I remember the first weekend I spent with lil man by myself...I let him pee outside... I guess because deep down I've always wanted to be able to pee standing up wherever I was... yes my name is Tommy and I have penis envy... heh.
Well I decided after Jen and lil man left to clean the entire downstairs of my mom's house including doing everyone's laundry...they are coming home from Kentucky tomorrow night... I've decided to remind my mom that I'm her favorite...HAHA. No, seriously, I just wanted to help them out and make it where it's one less thing they have to worry about. Plus I'm going to use them this week to help me with Pepper...since I watched dogs for them this past week. All part of my master plan. ;)
I heart blueberry lager...YAY Wild Blue. Freaking awesome. Good weekend. Good times.
Thursday, October 1, 2009
Good times
So I was trying to find a video of the song that is one of my "happy songs" (Pitbull's Hotel Room Service: which has the chorus, HOTEL, MOTEL, HOLIDAY INN...) because I was going to blog about a conversation Jen and I had pertaining to the music that lil man listens to when he's with me. What can I say, the kid has good taste, lol... he likes stuff with a catchy beat he can jam out to... well Jen nearly died while she was at a stop light and per lil man's request had the Hotel, motel, holiday inn song cranked up and he was dancing so fierce in the back that her Element was rocking... the funny thing is is that when lil man is with me, the car really rocks because both of us are rocking out, lol....
I have to remember to watch what I play around him because he was totally singing the lyrics to 3OH!3's Don't Trust me song, with the chorus that has something to do with, Never trust a hoe... oops... my bad. Parent of the year is definitely not something I'm in the running for, lol.
But I digress...I couldn't find a decent video to embed, but I did remember to download and find out what song it is that I keep hearing on the Where the Wild Things are movie trailer.... It's called Wake up by Arcade Fire.... freaking awesome stuff. I really like this group and am a little mad that I'm so closeted when it comes to music that I didn't know about this group sooner. I mean shit, there's a chick with a violin, that's pretty awesome in my opinion.
If you haven't heard it please see below...I highly recommend it. :)
I have to remember to watch what I play around him because he was totally singing the lyrics to 3OH!3's Don't Trust me song, with the chorus that has something to do with, Never trust a hoe... oops... my bad. Parent of the year is definitely not something I'm in the running for, lol.
But I digress...I couldn't find a decent video to embed, but I did remember to download and find out what song it is that I keep hearing on the Where the Wild Things are movie trailer.... It's called Wake up by Arcade Fire.... freaking awesome stuff. I really like this group and am a little mad that I'm so closeted when it comes to music that I didn't know about this group sooner. I mean shit, there's a chick with a violin, that's pretty awesome in my opinion.
If you haven't heard it please see below...I highly recommend it. :)
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Weighty woes
The unthinkable happened today. I was at work. Sluggish as usual and feeling like shit. I didn't think it was anything serious (just the usual run down self I've become accustomed to...that doesn't necessarily get excited about going to work anymore.) When I walked in a couple minutes behind schedule, before I could even check the voicemail to find out how many call outs I was looking at for the day, my cell phone started ringing...it was my least favorite Ops Manager--seriously this dude is a complete dill hole and I have no idea how he's in his position. But at this point it's irrelevant. He's freaking out because he had about three people not show up and was short staffed in one department. I got on the phone and began calling all ten people that were told to not to come to work today because they weren't needed, only to ask them if they were available for work that day. Fucking ridiculous. Piss poor planning and well long story short my not feeling well in general got worse.
I called my boss and told her I felt like shit and wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it much longer. By this point I was having hot flashes and feeling sick to my stomach. I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away. Then it dawned on me that I had just vented to my boss, off the record of course that I was so fed up with the way things were at work and that I no longer jumped out of bed to come running into work... I didn't want her to think that I was just bailing, because in truth I really didn't feel well. I wanted to cry, scream, punch the next dumbass who stepped in my path...I needed to get out of there...even if it meant losing out on potential overtime for the week and not even making my forty hours... (I don't get sick time...I didn't care today...)
I went to the doctor with no specific symptoms, in search of a note...to excuse my absence and because lil man had been throwing up (I felt this was probably stress related, but wanted to be sure since we already had someone in my town die of the H1N1 flu crap... I'm not normally a germaphobe, nor do I give second thought to sickness because I just hate going to the doctor...but with a new baby in the picture, I didn't want to risk anything)
I fell asleep in the exam room waiting on the doctor, who I could hear outside the door in the nurses station discussing lottery tickets and the office raffle or some bullshit... glad to know I'm not dying and not a serious case. My blood pressure, temp, and weight were all checked prior to my arrival in the exam room. The results, 118/72, 97 degrees, and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...
From this point to the doctors arrival and in between my cat naps I had had plenty of time to focus on and freak out about my weight. I flashed back to the time I went to the crotch doc for my normal annual violation and the scales tilted at 223 pounds. After leaving the office I cried the entire way home as my mom drove...I couldn't believe my weight had reached that point. Today, about five or six years later I've hit an all time high and I was devastated. Devastated to the point of tears when trying to talk to the doctor. I had to take ownership in the fact that the reason I feel like shit all the time is my weight. I have heartburn all the time it seems, even from drinking water--WTF? I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, I'm slugglish, I never want to do anything, I've isolated myself from friends and social gatherings because it means people seeing me.
I was mad at myself for crying. I cry at the most random times. I went from answering the "could you be pregnant" question with a chuckle and explaining that I'm a lesbian and I don't do guys in rebuttle to the doctors usual, well how do you know....to trying to explain how I feel with no symptomatic description that would help in diagnosis at all.
I told the doctor that I felt like stress had a lot to do with how I felt and my weight in general and when I revealed to him that my current weight is at an all time high I fucking lost it. Cried like a lil bitch, while Dr. Dickhead just watched...baffled. It was determined that there was no need for labs, which I agreed with because they always come back the same, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just fat... He suggested I look into Weightloss centers of america or another doctor or two that specialize in weight loss medicine, and/or surgery. When I made the comment, I'd rather just do it on my own...he quickly said, "that's going to be tough" with a face that said, I don't think you have a concept of just how fat and unhealthy you really are. (mind you he suggested something that insurance isnt' likely to cover after he went through the computer and pulled up my information, discovering that I had been to see an endocrinologist earlier in the year for treatment of PCOS, but quit because it was too expensive...I'm still paying those fucking bills and they couldn't get my levels adjusted right so I'm still a hormonal mess and FAT)
I gathered my composure for him to explain to me that I'm 28 years old and that if I continue living with this excess weight on my 5 foot 3 and half inch frame, i'm going to never get rid of this slugglish feeling, I'm going to have health problems that get progressively worse, arthritis in my joints from carrying this weight around, among other things that could potentially lead to early death. I was done talking to this guy. Not because I disagreed, but I needed to cry some more and needed to get out while I had the chance. I grabbed my doctor's note and bolted. I hit the parking lot in time for the tears to start pouring...I cried all the way home. I still felt like shit so I decided I was going to take a nap...(naps are not exactly going to solve my predicament, but they generally help buy me time to come up with a plan)...
Jen called me, she had to go and pick up lil man from school because he was throwing up and she was worried about me because of the vague text I had sent her after leaving the doctor's office. I said somethign about beign fine, just fat.... I started crying on the phone and just didnt want to talk about it...I went down to grandma's end of the house since it was 11 am and she wasn't down in the kitchen yet, I was making sure she was alive. She was. I'm not sure what part of I don't feel good I'm going to lay down she didn't understand but thirty minutes later she was still talking, asking me to do stuff and telling me all about everything she's planning on taking on her trip (she's leaving this weekend to see her sister, her brother is picking her up) I finally cut her off and explained, Grandma, I don't leave work often at all because I don't feel well, I've already been to the doctor and I need to go lay down...it finally registered.
I slept for four and a half hours when my mom called and I told her about leaving work early and being fat. She did the normal, Tommy...stop beating yourself up and I near tears explained to her that I'm at my all time high and just can't fathom how I keep letting this happen. It makes no sense NO SENSE at all.... I came to moms house because she, my sister, and my aunt, plus the baby have all taken a road trip to leave baby daddy in Radford, where he lives, and plan to leave from there in the morning and head to Kentucky to visit my mom's parents so tehy can see the baby--they'll be back Monday, minus baby daddy so I have dog duty. I get to watch my sister's dogs plus mine, but since Gma is leaving Saturday, i'll probably just load the dogs up so that I can be at my house with them plus mine and get my own shit done...
I went online and finally ordered my stuff from lil man's school fundraiser, I had been putting it off for whatever reason. Then I went to weight watchers online to check it out. I've gone to weight watchers meetings before but quit because the leader's voice and CAMEL TOE were equally annoying--plus it was counter productive because everytime I had a good week, I'd go to McDonald's and reward myself with a vat of death... fuck.
I signed up, I paid for one month and got one month free...I have a few meetings to choose from in my area, that aren't lead by camel toe lady and for the first time ever am doing this on my own. I'm not relying on my mom or my sister to do things with me...this is my fight and I'm the only one that can do it for me. The first meeting will be next week because I've missed the meetings this week already. I'm excited about this new venture. It's not going to be easy, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do...I can't continue on the same path that I've been headed down. No room for excuses.
I will be using my new blog (eventually) to vent, track, etc my progress so that I don't bore anyone with the details... I'm coming clean, I'm going to be honest...blunt even. I have never openly admitted to my weight or pants size...but I am tonight...just because I think it will help me in this process (though I'm not sure the logic behind using humiliation as a motivator)... It's hard when I have such a wonderful woman in my life who looks at me and doesn't see fat or disgusting but beautiful and fabulous...but I have to face the facts....I don't see those things when I look in the mirror and I'm the only one that can do something to change it. I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality, or being told wow...you carry your weight really well...I'M TIRED OF FUCKING CARRYING IT.
I generally wear anywhere from a 22 to 26 in women's pants depending on who makes them. My cargo shorts are a guys 46 or 48 (I have a couple in each) and I generally wear men's XL tops which I stretch out at the bottom to keep them from clinging to my gut....2Xs are too big so I'm technically in an in between size kind of girl.... Everything cute is meant for little people and anything past a size 16/18 is like old ladyish... unless you have money fore Lane Bryant or Torrid or some other fashionable women's clothing stores which I do not.
So here it is, the scale today read 273 pounds. Ridiculous. Tomorrow is a new day...I'll be in a better modd and I have a plan.... Weightwatchers is the way to go for me in theory because I can still count points and have a beer when I want one lol.
My brother just stopped by mom's house...I open the door and my nostrils immediately filled with the smell of Pot. I swear...i would love having a job where I could get high and not have to worry about random drug tests or getting hurt and having to pee in a cup... Don't judge me... I'm anti drug (but I'm a supporter of pot in many situations...since it's natural and all) I don't want any man made shit from some chemical flunkie's kitchen that's goign to potentially kill me. Fuck that. But alas...not weed for me. I have to be responsible and can't risk not having a pay check.
I'd like to lose 123 pounds on this journey...it's not going to happen overnight...so here goes nothing.
I called my boss and told her I felt like shit and wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it much longer. By this point I was having hot flashes and feeling sick to my stomach. I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away. Then it dawned on me that I had just vented to my boss, off the record of course that I was so fed up with the way things were at work and that I no longer jumped out of bed to come running into work... I didn't want her to think that I was just bailing, because in truth I really didn't feel well. I wanted to cry, scream, punch the next dumbass who stepped in my path...I needed to get out of there...even if it meant losing out on potential overtime for the week and not even making my forty hours... (I don't get sick time...I didn't care today...)
I went to the doctor with no specific symptoms, in search of a note...to excuse my absence and because lil man had been throwing up (I felt this was probably stress related, but wanted to be sure since we already had someone in my town die of the H1N1 flu crap... I'm not normally a germaphobe, nor do I give second thought to sickness because I just hate going to the doctor...but with a new baby in the picture, I didn't want to risk anything)
I fell asleep in the exam room waiting on the doctor, who I could hear outside the door in the nurses station discussing lottery tickets and the office raffle or some bullshit... glad to know I'm not dying and not a serious case. My blood pressure, temp, and weight were all checked prior to my arrival in the exam room. The results, 118/72, 97 degrees, and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...
From this point to the doctors arrival and in between my cat naps I had had plenty of time to focus on and freak out about my weight. I flashed back to the time I went to the crotch doc for my normal annual violation and the scales tilted at 223 pounds. After leaving the office I cried the entire way home as my mom drove...I couldn't believe my weight had reached that point. Today, about five or six years later I've hit an all time high and I was devastated. Devastated to the point of tears when trying to talk to the doctor. I had to take ownership in the fact that the reason I feel like shit all the time is my weight. I have heartburn all the time it seems, even from drinking water--WTF? I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, I'm slugglish, I never want to do anything, I've isolated myself from friends and social gatherings because it means people seeing me.
I was mad at myself for crying. I cry at the most random times. I went from answering the "could you be pregnant" question with a chuckle and explaining that I'm a lesbian and I don't do guys in rebuttle to the doctors usual, well how do you know....to trying to explain how I feel with no symptomatic description that would help in diagnosis at all.
I told the doctor that I felt like stress had a lot to do with how I felt and my weight in general and when I revealed to him that my current weight is at an all time high I fucking lost it. Cried like a lil bitch, while Dr. Dickhead just watched...baffled. It was determined that there was no need for labs, which I agreed with because they always come back the same, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just fat... He suggested I look into Weightloss centers of america or another doctor or two that specialize in weight loss medicine, and/or surgery. When I made the comment, I'd rather just do it on my own...he quickly said, "that's going to be tough" with a face that said, I don't think you have a concept of just how fat and unhealthy you really are. (mind you he suggested something that insurance isnt' likely to cover after he went through the computer and pulled up my information, discovering that I had been to see an endocrinologist earlier in the year for treatment of PCOS, but quit because it was too expensive...I'm still paying those fucking bills and they couldn't get my levels adjusted right so I'm still a hormonal mess and FAT)
I gathered my composure for him to explain to me that I'm 28 years old and that if I continue living with this excess weight on my 5 foot 3 and half inch frame, i'm going to never get rid of this slugglish feeling, I'm going to have health problems that get progressively worse, arthritis in my joints from carrying this weight around, among other things that could potentially lead to early death. I was done talking to this guy. Not because I disagreed, but I needed to cry some more and needed to get out while I had the chance. I grabbed my doctor's note and bolted. I hit the parking lot in time for the tears to start pouring...I cried all the way home. I still felt like shit so I decided I was going to take a nap...(naps are not exactly going to solve my predicament, but they generally help buy me time to come up with a plan)...
Jen called me, she had to go and pick up lil man from school because he was throwing up and she was worried about me because of the vague text I had sent her after leaving the doctor's office. I said somethign about beign fine, just fat.... I started crying on the phone and just didnt want to talk about it...I went down to grandma's end of the house since it was 11 am and she wasn't down in the kitchen yet, I was making sure she was alive. She was. I'm not sure what part of I don't feel good I'm going to lay down she didn't understand but thirty minutes later she was still talking, asking me to do stuff and telling me all about everything she's planning on taking on her trip (she's leaving this weekend to see her sister, her brother is picking her up) I finally cut her off and explained, Grandma, I don't leave work often at all because I don't feel well, I've already been to the doctor and I need to go lay down...it finally registered.
I slept for four and a half hours when my mom called and I told her about leaving work early and being fat. She did the normal, Tommy...stop beating yourself up and I near tears explained to her that I'm at my all time high and just can't fathom how I keep letting this happen. It makes no sense NO SENSE at all.... I came to moms house because she, my sister, and my aunt, plus the baby have all taken a road trip to leave baby daddy in Radford, where he lives, and plan to leave from there in the morning and head to Kentucky to visit my mom's parents so tehy can see the baby--they'll be back Monday, minus baby daddy so I have dog duty. I get to watch my sister's dogs plus mine, but since Gma is leaving Saturday, i'll probably just load the dogs up so that I can be at my house with them plus mine and get my own shit done...
I went online and finally ordered my stuff from lil man's school fundraiser, I had been putting it off for whatever reason. Then I went to weight watchers online to check it out. I've gone to weight watchers meetings before but quit because the leader's voice and CAMEL TOE were equally annoying--plus it was counter productive because everytime I had a good week, I'd go to McDonald's and reward myself with a vat of death... fuck.
I signed up, I paid for one month and got one month free...I have a few meetings to choose from in my area, that aren't lead by camel toe lady and for the first time ever am doing this on my own. I'm not relying on my mom or my sister to do things with me...this is my fight and I'm the only one that can do it for me. The first meeting will be next week because I've missed the meetings this week already. I'm excited about this new venture. It's not going to be easy, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do...I can't continue on the same path that I've been headed down. No room for excuses.
I will be using my new blog (eventually) to vent, track, etc my progress so that I don't bore anyone with the details... I'm coming clean, I'm going to be honest...blunt even. I have never openly admitted to my weight or pants size...but I am tonight...just because I think it will help me in this process (though I'm not sure the logic behind using humiliation as a motivator)... It's hard when I have such a wonderful woman in my life who looks at me and doesn't see fat or disgusting but beautiful and fabulous...but I have to face the facts....I don't see those things when I look in the mirror and I'm the only one that can do something to change it. I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality, or being told wow...you carry your weight really well...I'M TIRED OF FUCKING CARRYING IT.
I generally wear anywhere from a 22 to 26 in women's pants depending on who makes them. My cargo shorts are a guys 46 or 48 (I have a couple in each) and I generally wear men's XL tops which I stretch out at the bottom to keep them from clinging to my gut....2Xs are too big so I'm technically in an in between size kind of girl.... Everything cute is meant for little people and anything past a size 16/18 is like old ladyish... unless you have money fore Lane Bryant or Torrid or some other fashionable women's clothing stores which I do not.
So here it is, the scale today read 273 pounds. Ridiculous. Tomorrow is a new day...I'll be in a better modd and I have a plan.... Weightwatchers is the way to go for me in theory because I can still count points and have a beer when I want one lol.
My brother just stopped by mom's house...I open the door and my nostrils immediately filled with the smell of Pot. I swear...i would love having a job where I could get high and not have to worry about random drug tests or getting hurt and having to pee in a cup... Don't judge me... I'm anti drug (but I'm a supporter of pot in many situations...since it's natural and all) I don't want any man made shit from some chemical flunkie's kitchen that's goign to potentially kill me. Fuck that. But alas...not weed for me. I have to be responsible and can't risk not having a pay check.
I'd like to lose 123 pounds on this journey...it's not going to happen overnight...so here goes nothing.
Tuesday, September 29, 2009
Matching Hair
She likes me...she really likes me :) I fed Charley for the first time last night which was a big feat for me considering that if she even made a face to indicate she was going to cry...I handed over to her mom. This time I voluntarily took a screaming baby, rocked her, fed her, burped her, the works...
And how awesome is it that she's so rocking the faux hawk, just like her Aunt Tom???
On Sunday, Aunt Jen gave Charley a manicure...this girl is going to be such a girlie girl it's ridiculous...but she laid there and napped through her filing and clipping, hand all laid out like a grown woman would at the nail salon, lol...it was too funny...
Did you notice that Jen's hair is shorter than normal? I gave her another haircut--it just keeps getting shorter and shorter...but it looks hot and she wanted something that could be punk rock or professional... (She knows she's hot too :)
That lil chin of hers just kills me...she's getting cuter by the day (since the freaky reddish newborn features disappear...lol...) I'm very excited about this being an aunt thing. My sister has already changed dramatically, in a totally good way and I'm proud of her. Mom is taking baby daddy back home Wednesday night so he'll be out of the picture for a while, THANK GOD...ugh...dude just skeeves me out.
Sunday, September 27, 2009
Before and after
I painted it back in like tenth grade, so like what, '96 or '97...the art assignment was to select a title off of a list that the teacher provided and then paint something accordingly. For whatever reason, I selected the title..."Inside the head of a Teenage Schizophrenic" and came up with:
I actually got a B on it because the teacher didn't feel like there was enough "art" since there was too much writing on it... I don't know why I hung onto it for SOOO many years...but I did have a few favorite parts:
A doo doo fly of all things...
I also went through a Palm tree phase... I dunno... they've always appealed to me
So anyway, Friday night got here...I was tired, but pretty excited about a night in...it was rainy and icky and I had rented movies...I pulled the painting off the wall and yanked the three dimensional head of it and covered it in black. I didn't have anything planned...I just let the canvas lead me (some of ya'll may find that rather "gay" but there's no other way to explain it...) this piece moved me and I'm really happy with how it turned out :)...
I don't have a title for it yet however....I am open to suggestions...
It just makes me happy. :)
Thursday, September 24, 2009
YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS
My mom and sister just called me... apparently Mandi's baby daddy (he's not her boyfriend these days, literally the sperm donor that she is letting partake in the parenthood thing from afar...) was asking about the baby's bracelets that she came home from the hospital with...He wanted them. Mandi explained that she had plans to put them in the baby book along with her own (mom/daughter hospital bracelets)...she put them in her jewelry box and called it a day.
When she went back to the jewelry box the baby's bracelets were gone. Mandi and mom distracted BD (baby daddy) while Aunt Melissa went upstairs to look through his stuff to see if he had them. She came downstairs and revealed a glass pipe that Mandi wasn't familiar with. I had her send me a picture of it because I've been exposed to a lot more stuff than my sister has (despite her being a criminal justice major...she'd never make it as an undercover cop, lol)... Now I'm sort of the rebel in the family, but overall, the most I've really ever experimented with was alcohol and pot... I've seen other things but didn't really recognize this particular style of pipe.
After a little online research I have determined that the pipe they found in BDs stuff is the kind used to smoke Crystal meth. Mandi first though crack, but it's not...AND she told me a lil while ago that he used to be addicted to meth OH MY FUCKING GOD...SERIOUSLY? I want to say remind me again, with all of this misdemeanors, or felonies, or whatever...drug addiction...what in the fuck were you interested in him exactly? I'm glad that my sister got a baby out of the deal but I think the reason this "winner" of a guy caught her eye because she was at the middle of a nasty divorce, felt down in the dumps and enjoyed the attention she got. That's the only reason I can come up with for why someone as smart as my sister could have no common sense when it comes to some men.
Long story shit, my mom is not going to let this guy stay in her house anymore or see the baby...she was alreayd like how the fuck are you going to come into town for the "birth of your baby" and bring your fucking paraphernalia with you" my sister now realizes where all his money has been going, because it sure as hell hasn't beign goin toward his daughter and my mom has been paying for everything since he got into town...
I feel so bad for my sister, she doesn't need this shit right now with her baby not even being three days old. She was crying as she told me taht she ignored her gut and gave the baby his last name instead of hers...I guess there are no redos on the name once you've done it???
Always some fucking drama. It's probably a good thing I'm at Jen's house watching lil man til she gets home from work AND that I have to get up for a 5:45 am shift...otherwise I'd go over and give him a piece of my mind for sure...I can't believe this.
I'm livid right now. Mom just called me to tell me that she confronted BD...he of course just "forgot it was in there..." He's got my sister all torn to pieces...I can tolerate and or just bitch about a lot of things rather than take action, but I'll be damned if some douche bag is going to fuck over my sister.
BD commented to my sister earlier, "I think you love this baby more than you love me...." she responded with a DUH!!! Mom also reminded him that he's not here to be Mandi's boyfriend, because he's not...he's the baby's dad and that's it...so if he is here for anything other than that baby he's got another thing comin'.
Apparently while at the hospital he also went into mandi's purse...a huge no no. You don't go into anyone in my family's purse, its sacred...if I carried a purse I'd fuck someone up for going in it, regardless of what they were looking for...mom told him on that subject "IF YOU EVER GO INTO MANDI'S PURSE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY BREAK YOUR HANDS and you will be out of here---she was married to an asshole that played that game, he's not in the picture either..."
My mom is like 100 pounds lighter than me but way more butch than i could ever be, lol. She's my hero. She's ex army and I've seen her lay my brother out (he's 5'11 to her 5'1...) You don't fuck with mom...BD is only maybe 5'6 and like 175...he doesn't stand a chance...
When she went back to the jewelry box the baby's bracelets were gone. Mandi and mom distracted BD (baby daddy) while Aunt Melissa went upstairs to look through his stuff to see if he had them. She came downstairs and revealed a glass pipe that Mandi wasn't familiar with. I had her send me a picture of it because I've been exposed to a lot more stuff than my sister has (despite her being a criminal justice major...she'd never make it as an undercover cop, lol)... Now I'm sort of the rebel in the family, but overall, the most I've really ever experimented with was alcohol and pot... I've seen other things but didn't really recognize this particular style of pipe.
After a little online research I have determined that the pipe they found in BDs stuff is the kind used to smoke Crystal meth. Mandi first though crack, but it's not...AND she told me a lil while ago that he used to be addicted to meth OH MY FUCKING GOD...SERIOUSLY? I want to say remind me again, with all of this misdemeanors, or felonies, or whatever...drug addiction...what in the fuck were you interested in him exactly? I'm glad that my sister got a baby out of the deal but I think the reason this "winner" of a guy caught her eye because she was at the middle of a nasty divorce, felt down in the dumps and enjoyed the attention she got. That's the only reason I can come up with for why someone as smart as my sister could have no common sense when it comes to some men.
Long story shit, my mom is not going to let this guy stay in her house anymore or see the baby...she was alreayd like how the fuck are you going to come into town for the "birth of your baby" and bring your fucking paraphernalia with you" my sister now realizes where all his money has been going, because it sure as hell hasn't beign goin toward his daughter and my mom has been paying for everything since he got into town...
I feel so bad for my sister, she doesn't need this shit right now with her baby not even being three days old. She was crying as she told me taht she ignored her gut and gave the baby his last name instead of hers...I guess there are no redos on the name once you've done it???
Always some fucking drama. It's probably a good thing I'm at Jen's house watching lil man til she gets home from work AND that I have to get up for a 5:45 am shift...otherwise I'd go over and give him a piece of my mind for sure...I can't believe this.
I'm livid right now. Mom just called me to tell me that she confronted BD...he of course just "forgot it was in there..." He's got my sister all torn to pieces...I can tolerate and or just bitch about a lot of things rather than take action, but I'll be damned if some douche bag is going to fuck over my sister.
BD commented to my sister earlier, "I think you love this baby more than you love me...." she responded with a DUH!!! Mom also reminded him that he's not here to be Mandi's boyfriend, because he's not...he's the baby's dad and that's it...so if he is here for anything other than that baby he's got another thing comin'.
Apparently while at the hospital he also went into mandi's purse...a huge no no. You don't go into anyone in my family's purse, its sacred...if I carried a purse I'd fuck someone up for going in it, regardless of what they were looking for...mom told him on that subject "IF YOU EVER GO INTO MANDI'S PURSE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY BREAK YOUR HANDS and you will be out of here---she was married to an asshole that played that game, he's not in the picture either..."
My mom is like 100 pounds lighter than me but way more butch than i could ever be, lol. She's my hero. She's ex army and I've seen her lay my brother out (he's 5'11 to her 5'1...) You don't fuck with mom...BD is only maybe 5'6 and like 175...he doesn't stand a chance...
Confirmation
It's officially...I have been declared officially done with school. I just received the confirmation email which said that I met all education and financial requirements. Now I just pay 125 bucks (ugh) for the evaluation fee (translation pointless rip off) and I'll have my degree within 10-12 weeks...kind of ridiculous in my opinion, but hey I'M DONE.
Sure I had finished all my work prior to this but I was scared that I'd get a call saying I couldn't graduate because I was missing a credit or something...didn't happen... :)
I'M DONE
I'M DONE
I'M DONE
FUCK YEAH I'M DONE :)
Sure I had finished all my work prior to this but I was scared that I'd get a call saying I couldn't graduate because I was missing a credit or something...didn't happen... :)
I'M DONE
I'M DONE
I'M DONE
FUCK YEAH I'M DONE :)
My niece Charley
So I met her. She's B-E-A-UTIFUL. Like 8th wonder of the world beautiful, but of course I'm a little biased.
Fat cheeks and full lips...
I didn't cry when I held her (probably because I was too busy freaking out thinking DON'T DROP HER, DON'T DROP HER...)
Mandi and Charley (I still wish she would have spelled her name with an ie...)
Poor thing, I was probably burning her retinas through her eyelids all the pictures I was taking
Smooshy face
Blanket's doing some weird stuff here...but she's so cute, she has her mom's chin for sure
After her bath, Charley was rocking my normal hair style..the faux hawk :) Granny is in love...can't you tell
The cute moose I bought for my sister.
Burp...
I commented on her having DSLs first thing (Dick sucking lips) and her dad was like "nuh-uh...there will be none of that...she's going to hang out with her Aunt Tommy..." Here's to hoping she grows up gay then? I'm confused...I don't know if he meant he wants her to be a carpet muncher or he just wants her to be innocent and not suck any dick? I'm confused.
But she's a cutey and I'm stoked about being an Aunt...baby's this size freak me out though...they are too fragile...we'll get there...
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Good news
I'M AN AUNT!!! Yay...after two days of the attempted inducing of my sister (to no avail)...the doctors took her off of the patosin? and at some point the baby's heart beat spiked...it was like this for about an hour and a half and they couldn't get it to go down so they opted for a C-Section....Both mom and baby are healthy, happy, and fabulous.
I have not physically laid eyes on my one and only niece, but Charley Danielle (Charley for my uncle who passed away ten years ago and Danielle for my grandfather...daniel) has a head full of hair, a pudgy round face with huge cheeks, lol and she weighed 8 1bs and is 19 in long... she was born last night at 9:00 pm. I'm hoping to get off work early, since I've been working 10.5 hour days and getting to work ASS early...to go and meet my niece. Kind of exciting...I'm not an aunt. I wonder what she'll call me (when she can talk that is)...Aunt Tommy? Aunt T? Aunt Tom? Thomas? I guess only time will tell...for now I'm just stoked she's finally friggin' here. My sister tried for years to get pregnant and her dream came true in the middle of a divorce, by accident :) And what a beautiful accident it turned out to be :)
In addition, I finally got to view my grades for the classes I just completed (you know, the last ones)...all A's... I did really well on the papers I procrastinated on and got a perfect score on one of my finals...I'm such a nerd :) That brought my GPA up to a 3.5 which I can totally live with :) Plus it will look decent on a resume along with my membership in Alpha Sigma Lambda, or whatever the Honor's society frat is....
Still working on the resume...getting there slowly...I just hope the position isn't filled while I'm trying to get my shit together and in fabulous HIRE ME form...
More training this morning and I must devise a way to curb the attendance issue we are experiencing here in the warehouse...I don't know what people's problems are... HEY BITCHES, CARRY YOUR ASS TO WORK...I have a hard enough time getting myself to work on time and EVERY fucking day...I can't come to ya'lls house, wake you up, fix you a bowl of cereal and comb your hair YOU ARE ALL MOTHER FUCKING ADULTS and I am NOT YOUR MOMMY!!! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET FIRED, I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT...
Yeah right...I'd fire a 1/4 of my staff easily if it wasn't against policy, haha. All because of excessive absenteeism and tardies...we have a points program in place but excuse the points with documentation, some folks abuse it and those folks are going on final warning today because of it... I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to make them successful when they don't want it for themselves.
Mom made me cry night before last. She called me randomly to say that she loved me and that she was really proud of me for finishing my degree. She said that she didn't care that it took me ten years to do it...she was impressed that I had stuck with it. That was awesome. I'm lucky to have such a fabulous family and loving supportive girlfriend.
I think back to the times when I was in Beauty School and didn't want to go in because I was tired and just wanted to sleep....my dad would knock on my door, open it, and immediately start singing, BEAUTY SCHOOL DROP OUT from Grease...he definitely helped me along in that area. I couldn't handle the thought of quitting college and then also quitting beauty school too....ugh...I had to finish something at some point....and I did... unfortunately, I hate doing hair full time, but I keep up my license for shits and giggles.
I have not physically laid eyes on my one and only niece, but Charley Danielle (Charley for my uncle who passed away ten years ago and Danielle for my grandfather...daniel) has a head full of hair, a pudgy round face with huge cheeks, lol and she weighed 8 1bs and is 19 in long... she was born last night at 9:00 pm. I'm hoping to get off work early, since I've been working 10.5 hour days and getting to work ASS early...to go and meet my niece. Kind of exciting...I'm not an aunt. I wonder what she'll call me (when she can talk that is)...Aunt Tommy? Aunt T? Aunt Tom? Thomas? I guess only time will tell...for now I'm just stoked she's finally friggin' here. My sister tried for years to get pregnant and her dream came true in the middle of a divorce, by accident :) And what a beautiful accident it turned out to be :)
In addition, I finally got to view my grades for the classes I just completed (you know, the last ones)...all A's... I did really well on the papers I procrastinated on and got a perfect score on one of my finals...I'm such a nerd :) That brought my GPA up to a 3.5 which I can totally live with :) Plus it will look decent on a resume along with my membership in Alpha Sigma Lambda, or whatever the Honor's society frat is....
Still working on the resume...getting there slowly...I just hope the position isn't filled while I'm trying to get my shit together and in fabulous HIRE ME form...
More training this morning and I must devise a way to curb the attendance issue we are experiencing here in the warehouse...I don't know what people's problems are... HEY BITCHES, CARRY YOUR ASS TO WORK...I have a hard enough time getting myself to work on time and EVERY fucking day...I can't come to ya'lls house, wake you up, fix you a bowl of cereal and comb your hair YOU ARE ALL MOTHER FUCKING ADULTS and I am NOT YOUR MOMMY!!! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET FIRED, I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT...
Yeah right...I'd fire a 1/4 of my staff easily if it wasn't against policy, haha. All because of excessive absenteeism and tardies...we have a points program in place but excuse the points with documentation, some folks abuse it and those folks are going on final warning today because of it... I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to make them successful when they don't want it for themselves.
Mom made me cry night before last. She called me randomly to say that she loved me and that she was really proud of me for finishing my degree. She said that she didn't care that it took me ten years to do it...she was impressed that I had stuck with it. That was awesome. I'm lucky to have such a fabulous family and loving supportive girlfriend.
I think back to the times when I was in Beauty School and didn't want to go in because I was tired and just wanted to sleep....my dad would knock on my door, open it, and immediately start singing, BEAUTY SCHOOL DROP OUT from Grease...he definitely helped me along in that area. I couldn't handle the thought of quitting college and then also quitting beauty school too....ugh...I had to finish something at some point....and I did... unfortunately, I hate doing hair full time, but I keep up my license for shits and giggles.
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