My latest plan

I'm going to create a weight loss blog. No, not a gimmicky do this do that type of thing but I'm going to track my progress via blog. I'm going to vent about bad days and wanting to eat like EVERYTHING...and what not but I'm also going to proudly share my accomplishments...I dunno...I want to inspire others, but not as much as I'd like to inspire myself...

This is going to be good. I'm excited. I have a new haircut (buzz cut) which symbolizes new beginnings and a clean slate and Effective May 1 (tomorrow) my plan goes into effect. Lots to do lots to do...I'M SO TOTALLY EXCITED ABOUT THIS.

Jen is going to make some lifestyle changes as well, but its her body and I think she's sexy as she is. I just want her to be happy, just like I want to feel comfortable with myself for a change...I'm tired of being the fat girl with the great personality...I want to be the confident girl with the great personality. Jen is very supportive of this which makes me a lil less anxious...

The downer is that I have years of deprogramming to do. Years of habits to break. But I can do this...I will do this...and I will be successful.

Wish me luck.

Fear or not to fear

What am I afraid of these days?

1. Not coming up with money in time to make my first car payment...
2. my hours not picking up at work (I really love my job and I want it to last at least until I finish my degree)
3. Being broke ALL the time
4. Losing Jen because I'm so stressed out all the time (which takes away from her being the center of my world)
5. That I made a huge mistake quitting the hair gig
6. That I'll be a failure (at anything and everything)
7. That Jen will forget about me now that she has a new gaming system (LOL).

Things that I'm excited about:
1. I'm going to be an aunt
2. Jen is a wonderful sexy understanding and awesome person
3. Jen and I went out and did gay things (we went to watch lesbo softball games in Norfolk on Sunday) It felt fabulous being around folks like us and not have to worry about anything, except the heat...
4. I have a wonderful family
5. Grandma is close enough that I can see her everyday
6. I'll be graduating September and will have my bachelors degree FINALLY

Things that I need to remember:

in the words of my grandma: THIS TOO SHALL PASS...and in the words of Jen...IT ALWAYS GETS WORSE BEFORE IT GETS BETTER...(i just hope it doesnt get much worse before it gets better....)

Well pepper needs to pee and considering I overslept for work this morning...i need to get to bed soon...not trying to get fired the rest of the way. I'm taking a deep breath now....and exhale

why i love her

So Jen and I both have some sort of creepin crud... perhaps the swine flu, lol...

We both have this dry persistent nonproductive cough...and its driving her bonkers. I bought some alkaseltzer to loosen the shit up in our chests and "quiet" the cough...

Well she's over in the chair playing with her new Nintendo DS (she's so spoiled when it comes to her electronics) I'm watching Pretty Woman, cuddling with Pepper and catching up on stuff on the computer...

Well to get to the point of the blog...Jen has been putting off taking this alka seltzer for like an hour now...she takes one swallow and then dry heeves....her reaction to things can be so animated sometimes and I don't know why but it makes me laugh from the inside out when she does that dry heeving thing.

I farted once and she walked into it and did the same thing and I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. That my dears is one reason why I love her.

such a quitter

Well I quit the hair gig already. I couldnt handle being the "white girl" that wasn't making any money because the "ethnic" clients refuse to let me touch their hair...what the fuck really. Anyway there is just too much going on.

Grandma was moved to a nursing home today where she can be taken care of while her leg heals. I miss that crazy lady. I always talk shit about how she nags me and finds all kinds of stuff for me to do that i dont have time for, but dammit I miss her. Pepper is in mourning, Chino kitty doesn't understand what in the hell is going...we all miss her. Jen has commented several times how quiet the house is without her here...is eerie really.

I'm bummed about the situation. I went tonight to see her and took Jen and Julie with me...after I cooked dinner of course. I generally only cook huge meals when I'm stressed out. I made a meatloaf from scratch (two actually, I took one to my moms house), mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and homemade apple crisp. Didn't hit the spot though....still things on my mind. Grandma was sleeping when we got there and I didnt have the heart to wake her. I'm going to go when I get off of work and review the obituaries with her, morbid but she likes to stay in the know when it comes to her friends croaking. She also likes to not see her name in there...that's how she knows she's still alive and what not...

It's going to be a really long time before she gets home...I'll just hold down the fort in the mean time...keep her in your prayers ya'll.

I think tomorrow I'm going to have take a curling iron and fix her hair for her...that will cheer her up I hope, she's quite depressed right now.

It's because I'm white

So I found out tonight that my waterproof mascara was a scam and not actually waterproof. It smeared down my face after crying my eyes out on the phone to Jen. You see, what had happened was:

I worked my second day in the salon. I'm the only white girl in a salon whose clientele is predominately ethnic. No biggie, I was brought in to do mainly walkins anyway--besides I did mainly ethnic hair when I was in beauty school (granted that was several years ago)...

So anyway it was a shitty day anyway. Grandma is gonna be in the hospital for at least a month (on the low side), my uncle's cat had to be put down because when he woke up this morning he couldn't walk and it turns out he had a brain disease (RIP Fred), then I leave one job and go to another (the hair gig), I made seven dollars in tips, yes seven during an 8.5 hour shift and eight patrons...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. To top it off I was doing this girls hair and everything was fine and to her liking until her mom walked in and flipped the fuck out because a white girl was doing her daughters hair..."I mean I'm no professional but I could do a better job than that at home..." long story short, I spent time in my day doing hair, but because Im white and she flipped out, I didn't even get paid for the services rendered. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK.

Then I get to my mom's house to get my dog because my uncle (not the cool one related to the fred story) is not dependable and even though he said he was going to walk Pepper for me but turns out he didnt...then his wife came to the house but forgot to walk the dog. How do you forget to let a barking dog out of her kennel and put her back. I'm fucking pissed.

Everything is bumming me out, I'm overly tired and I need a second job to pay my bills but I'm going to go broke and crazy working at this salon. I'd be better off flipping burgers seriously. I'm scared shitless, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pay my bills without a second job and I'm super scared about the unknown. Right now I don't know much of anything. I'm just spread too thin right now. Way too thin. I can't do school, and work two jobs and do everything else thats going on. I'm going crazy. I really am.

I want to wake up tomorrow and be independently wealthy. I just want everything to be simple and okay. I just don't know what to do...do I quit or do I stick it out?

Grandma Fell

So long story short grandma fell. She was leaving her meeting this morning, going down the ramp and her walker got away from her...she must have been going too fast and fell down the ramp. She broke her femur and was getting prepped for surgery between nine and ten tonight. When I talked to her earlier she was out of it, you could tell her morphine was working, lol. She said, "Hey dollbaby, I'm sorry but I'm not gonna make it home for supper..." Lol then proceeded in offering me stuff that was in the fridge FROM THE EFFIN HOSPITAL...broken femur, doped up on morphine, awaiting surgery, and still pushing food.

Really lady...I obviously don't have an eating disorder...I'm far from starving. Hope she's gonna be okay. I'm sort of kind of freaking out.

HOORAY!!!

Jen comes home tomorrow :) Yay!!!

Funny day today... Got the hair gig. I start on Monday after my other job. Very cool. Julie let me cut her hair for my "technical interview"...I cut her hair a little shorter than she wanted but she didn't call me out in front of the manager so that was pretty kick ass :) It looks good just below her shoulders but the shortest she's had it in a long time.

Saw Haunting in Conneticut, freaky movie, but not bad. On the way into Suffolk I had been trying to tell Julie about the song that was stuck in my head yesterday...how bout I pulled a cd out of my case that said BOOBIES...it was one Barb had burned me the night we went to the strip club and I bought her a lap dance (which ended up with a stripper doing a head stand in her lap making farm animal noises and smoking all of her cigarettes :) also the same night that some old guy shoved a one dollar bill down my cleavage and said "yeah...make out with her..." type shit and I calmly removed it, handed it back and told him "not going to happen dude" keep your dollar before I find somewhere to shove it...

Anyway number five on the cd was: Gucci Crew II: Sally (that girl) SHUT UP...how exciting...Perhaps I'm way too easily amused...but I was stoked

So anyway...Julie, Flea, Chico, and are all gonna hang out here in a bit... I'm drinking a Shock top (pretty decent beer) and getting ready to do homework... almost five o'clock Saturday....almost time.

A better day

Today was a better day for me. Don't get me wrong, it started rather shitty, as it normally does when I step into work. I made my rounds and talked to my handful of contractors that were there...went to the 8:45 meeting, gained nothing from it (not out of the ordinary)... I made the normal call to my boss and decided to meet up with her and another coworker and have lunch...mmm....mexican (the perfect thing sense I've been fiending my own personal mamasita caliente, lol)...but what to do until then?

I warehoused it and went back on the floor and hung out on the inbound receiving dock and helped my guys unload some furniture. Fucking heavy shit, but fun nonetheless. Before I knew it I had my guys asking me all kinds of shit, like I was one of the fellas...the had decided that I'm black, just undercover or something. They think its fabulous that I'm gay though they have those normal smart ass things to say such as, "I bet I eat pussy better than you..." and then try and get me to agree to going down on their girls and they go down on mine... I put them in their places and inform them I'm not that kind of girl and I have nothing to prove...yada yada. Discuss some more shit that is totally inappropriate for work, but fun nonetheless. The guys told me that I made their day by coming back there...they were weak... its amusing to me that they were surprised about some of the shit that I know... I'm full of useless knowledge. One of them got a song stuck in my head cuz he said half a lyric and I finished it and his jaw dropped, "what do you know about that he asked...I just chuckled."

http://www.rhapsody.com/album/shakin-booty/sally-that-girl/lyrics.html (Gucci Crew II, Sally (that girl) take a listen if you don't remember it, lol

SO anyway had a kickass burrito, AND got a call back from the salon. I have to go do my technical interview tomorrow afternoon. My friend Julie has volunteered to let me give her a trim for it. So that's cool. Took another long ass nap...did a lil homework, changed my haircolor and relaxed. Talked to Jen a bit off and on and I still miss the shit out of her.

For now, its time for bed, wake up, do the work thing, the interview thing, the homework thing and shit all over again and kill time until Saturday at Five when I pick up mamasita caliente from the aeropuerto, lol.

A much better day today.

Strange

It's strange to me being so completely in love.

Relationships I've been in in the past I used to hope and pray for some opportunity to come about so that I could have a break from the other person. I wanted them to go out of town for work, go and see their family, ANYTHING and everything just to leave me the hell alone sometimes and give me my space.

I am experiencing for the first time something new. When Jen told me she had to go out of town for a work convention I didn't think much of it. I figured I'd be too busy to notice or I'd just do some me things and keep it moving with no second thought. What I'm finding instead is that I feel like a piece of me is missing.

I don't like admitting shit like that because that means that I'm vulnerable and that her love has some type of power over me which in the long run would mean that she in a way renders me powerless, no matter how much control I want tend to "pretend to have". (what it boils down to is I'm a control freak. I like to think that I'm in control of my emotions and my surroundings and my life and admitting things like this just prove even more that I'm by no means in control of much of anything).

In this situation it's okay. I'm okay with this feeling. I like being a "bitch" to her love. Lol. But seriously, I need Saturday to hurry up and get here. I just want to hug her and hold her and curl up with her and be in her arms. I can't talk openly with her on the phone right now because I don't want to upset her in between her meetings or have her worrying about me. It's one thing for me to just miss her and want to be selfish with her time, but I'm not willing to have her not enjoy herself while she's gone. I mean it's Vegas for shit's sake. Suck it up and be a big girl Tommy, she'll be back soon.

Caged Bird

I was walking through the warehouse this morning and noticed a bird had flown in and was trapped. I made a phone call to one of the ops manager and told him there was a bird in the warehouse and asked if I could open one of the side doors to try and let it out and was denied my request. The door nearest the bird was an alarmed door and an alarm would have sounded had I opened it so I had to "follow the rules."

I became almost instantly bummed out. I quietly stood there watching and thought, "dude get ahold of yourself, it's just a bird...stop being overly sensitive." That's when it dawned on me. I could relate to what the bird was going through.

Here is this bird in a 1.7 million square foot facility (the size of seven football fields), all this space and "pretend" freedom, but ultimately trapped. No open doors, the doors that were opened were blocked by containers or trailers and with the size of the facility, the odds of the bird finding a way out before it starved to death or before it flew into something would lead to its demise were much greater than the chance of freedom itself.

I'm a caged bird. I work in an environment that in theory is spacious and full of opportunity and yet I'm trapped. I'm not appreciated and I no longer see myself as having a purpose when I'm there.

I don't know--I miss the enjoyment and fulfillment I once had with my job. So much promise, so many possibilities. Now, empty promises, no guarantees, disappointment around every turn.

I try to stay positive but it gets harder everyday. Last week my hours were cut from 45 down to 22.5... I told myself, no biggie, I'll get a second job to supplement my income.... I deal with ops managers daily that don't value me because I'm not "one of them"--In their eyes, I'm just the chick associated with the "temps." First of all, I don't supervise temps, I supervise contractors, hell I'm one myself... We aren't even deemed normal citizens in this place... no value whatsoever unless there is a great deal of call out from their permanent people.

I don't know. I understand that things aren't necessarily always kosher in the business world, but really what it boils down to right now is that my job is a total downer. All I do is call people and tell them that there is no work, or that their assignments have been ended. I don't have a problem firing people if they've violated a policy or I've coached them on an issue and they don't correct the problem, but I hate firing folks because the economy is shitty, or there's no work, or any of those reasons that just suck and are out of all control.

I know that sometimes I carry the weight of the world on my shoulders and that worrying about things that I have no control over shouldn't be on my to do list, but I can't help it sometimes. I want everything to work out for everyone, for all of my contractors, not just myself...

I really am trying to stay positive, truly, but when I saw that bird this morning I honestly felt like I could feel what it was feeling. SCARED SHITLESS. I couldn't even call Jen back this morning when I missed her call because I knew I would have broke down and I didn't want to cry at work. I'm unsure of everything. I'm trying to be all smiles and not let the fact that the uncertainties are winning show, but everyone has moments where they just can't fake it anymore. I am scared shitless. I just hope that freedom comes my way before I fly into the proverbial wall that leads to my demise.