We set a date

After a little over four years of being together...Jen and I finally set a date.  It only took like two years after I proposed to get to this point. 

Something always comes up...bad timing as far as work schedules go or a lack of money... but not this time--I refuse.  I have sent the deposit and all of the info needed to obtain the license and on 12/28/12 at noon Jen and I are going to tie the knot.

We will be driving up to DC and having a small/quick cermony done--which will be more like just signing the papers and making it official...we will hold off for something grand and glorious (should we choose to if VA ever recognizes the union or makes same sex marriage legal--I'm thinking we have plenty of time to plan that one, lol)

Anyway after that we will go check into the hotel and then sight see.  Jen has never been to DC and well I've only been once and it was like in 8th grade...whatever year it was that they opened the Holocaust museum is when I went...

I'm freakishly excited.  I'm not normally the one who is all like oooooh weddings, but this time is different.  I'm not looking for bells and whistles by any means but I do love the fact that I'm doing something this BIG with someone I love and cherish deeply.

Does having a piece of paper making us legal mean that I won't still have a panic attack and freak the hell out because she leaves dirty clothes on the floor or doesn't fold clothes the way I think she should...ABSOLUTELY NOT. lol

The only things I want from this is:

a. Jen to take my name (which may be a little more difficult than imagined because of the great commonwealth that we reside)

b. An official piece of paper

c. A wedding announcement to be sent out, but one that someone says, sure we already got married and yes, you weren't there or invited because we couldn't afford that but we are registered at (insert store here) and would love for you to send us gifts, lol

d. a ring

Jen and I already have rings...when I proposed I did it with a very simple sterling silver band that would not get in the way at either of our jobs and symbolized the occassion... now however I want a real ring.  A bridal set even...

So I decided to go to Kohls.com because well I love love love KOHLS and I found us both a bridal set.  I picked two different styles so that Jen could pick the one that she likes the best and I'll wear the other because I like them both, lol... Normally I would have spent about 1100 bucks on these two rings... but I'M WAY TOO MUCH OF A BARGAIN SHOPPER to ever do such a thing... the rings were already on killer sale AND I used a promo code that got me 30 percent off (which btw is RUDOLPH30 if any of you guys want to know and love kohls as much as me)... I ended up spending around 350 dollars for us to both have bridal sets.  We can wear the band at work and the pair when we we go out or are just around the house.

I never realized how much of a girl I was until now.  I can't afford my dream wedding but I'm stoked to be marrying Jen nonetheless.

When I win the lottery I will reserve an entire bed and breakfast in Vermont, fly our families out to see us wed and our bridesmaids will all wear cargo shorts and a polo shirt, but the polo shirts will all be different and start with red, then orange, and so on until a rainbow is formed.  It will be outside in the summer and we'll wear flip flops and then have a killer reception and just hang out and then honeymoon in Maine and see the lighthouses up and down the coast.

Since we are marrying now, I think that I'll just save my money to one day visit Maine and Vermont on my own time, lol

I'm excited--did i mention that?

A trip to follow Thanksgiving

So I get to take a trip the week after Thanksgiving which is exciting even though it's for work.  Since I run a manufacturing plan with only a few people...we get a little wiggle room as to when we want to take our holidays where Corporate doesnt because there are more people there.

For example: Thanksgiving is a paid holiday for the Thursday of, as well as the Friday following... two paid 8 hour days.  Well we work 10 hour days so we have to use 4 hours of personal time to get full checks (my guys do, not me because I'm salary, but you get the point)... our work week would normally be Monday through Thursday ten hour days.  We would usually work Monday and Tuesday be off Wednesday and Thursday for the holiday since we are off on Friday and Thursday is the holiday anyway...

(confused yet?) Well we decided as a group to work Monday, Tuesday, and Wednesday, be off Thursday for the holiday, be off our normal 3 day weekend and then be off Monday for the holiday--sweet right.

Well then I'm going to get on a plane from Norfolk and fly into Jacksonville, Fl where corporate is on Tuesday, sightsee a few hours, crash--go into the office for 8 hours for training on Wednesday, sightsee some more, crash, go into the office a half a day on Thursday, sightsee a little bit more... go back to the airport and fly back to Norfolk on Thursday evening, drive home and then start my three day weekend... such a rough couple of weeks that will be, lol. 

But here's the exciting part.  The executive assistant to the CEO told me what the closest hotel to the office was and a room there was like 140 bucks which is just absurd in my opinion even if it is on the company's dime.  So I went to hotwire and booked a room at: A Golf Resort with water views for $88 a night! Holler.

It's a 20 minute drive to the office, but considering I had to get a rental car anyway... no biggie--got one of those for like twenty bucks a day... OH YEAH! and my flight cost less than 250 bucks round trip... the company should soooooo thank for me for the money I'm saving them for this trip with like an extra night there just for fun like in the Summer time when I can really enjoy the water in Florida, lol. 

Sorry, I'm easily amused, can't help it.  I've already scoped out a local lighthouse to potentially visit...some sites for great photos and just some stuff to do to make the most of my visit... it's going to good stuff!!!

Facebook Free

My life has been friggin' fabulous since getting rid of Facebook, just thought Id share.

Hurricane season and life on the east coast

So Jen's mom called in a quasi-panic asking about the hurricane... she's still in Colorado where Jen is from and always gets worried when we have hurricanes roll in. 

This was after I got a text from Jen asking if we had our hurricane supplies (my first thought being... what the hell are hurricane supplies... yes, you'd think that spending all of my 31 years on the east coast I'd know all of this by now, but I never think about it... and the fact that 26 of those 31 years have been spent about 45 minutes inland of Va Beach oceanfront and prime hurricane territory... but I suppose that since I'm so used to them its no big deal.

I guess it's like places where it snows all the time... like Minnesota--I'm sure folks there don't freak out everytime they see a snowflake... ya know....

So anyway, the really awful part of this story and the detail that makes me a really awful and out of touch person is the fact that Jen mentioned a hurricane the other day and called it by name, "Sandy" and I was like, "Sandy? We're in the "S"s already, where the hell have I been?" I really had no idea...

I really should start watching the news.  But the news is so depressing...hell even the weather part of it.  I'd rather be surprised... carry around my super big gay rainbow umbrella and just keep on truckin'...

I dunno...

What makes things different for me now is that my parents are retired officially and now living down on Hatteras Island, past Rodanthe in Salvo, NC... where just last year during Hurricane Irene their beach house was ruined and had to be gutted and they were just able to move into it...

They didn't evacuate for it... and part of hwy 12 has been compromised...other portions had already been closed off because of water and sand in the road... I checked www.obxconnection.com message boards and have seen pictures of houses at Mirlo Beach (previous home of Serendipity--the house they used in the movie "Nights in Rodanthe" with Richard Gere...but later moved because it was going to fall into the ocean...) about to, or falling into the ocean.... 

This stuff is crazy... they are getting hit with the worst of it now.  We've just been getting a lot of rain...no wind yet... So tomorrow morning, I'll set my alarm for earlier than four to give me extra time to coax the dogs out into the "swamp" of a front yard and then inch my way down the back roads to the interstate and just go from there...

I talked to mom earlier, I let her know that they already cancelled schools tomorrow so lil man is out... and in the conversation she mentioned how she had to put on her hip waiters (that she'd normally use to go sound fishin or surf fishin if it's super cold, lol) just to walk to dog today.... i had to laugh because if she was going to all that trouble to stay dry then what about Earl, her dog...he's just a miniature schnauzer.... can he breathe under water and pee at the same time?

Still impressed by R E Bradshaw

I mentioned in an earlier post that I had just discovered an author named R. E. Bradshaw.  She's a lesbian fiction writer and pretty good.  Well I had decided to read another one of her books to see if I really like her stuff or to see if the first one I had read had just been a fluke.  So far she's two for two.  I didn't like the second one as much as the first, but I still liked it. 

I read Waking Up Gray a couple of weeks ago and this weekend read, The Girl Back Home.  I like her style over all.  I've started reading Sweet Carolina Girls now... so lets see how that one turns out and if I keep reading on a rampage or start pace myself...lol...

I'm getting back into a writing my random thoughts face--working on my book eventually again and i have some paintings that i need to start and others I need to finish...lots of projects on the fire right now.

For now though--I'm kind of a fan of distraction via lesbian fiction... my other projects will still be there when i get around to them...that's whats so awesome about procrastination. :)

the irony of it

I had been having the worst bout with headaches imaginable for well over a month and a half.  I take a medication for migranes (despite it being used for other things... it comes in handy since I don't generally have headaches), so with me having these god awful headaches nonstop all the time I was beginning to get concerned to say the least. 

They got so bad sometimes that when I moved my headI had to freeze mid-movement because of the throbbing, shooting pain made me feel like i was going to black out.  I had to keep funtioning so I just kind of got used to having a permanent headache and started making jokes about it probably being a brain tumor and kept it moving.

A couple of weeks ago I started considering the possibility of it being sinus related or something.  I had to consider any possiblity so that they would go away. They headache spanned from my eyeballs across the top of my head  and down the base of my neck... it was insane. 

Well the turn of events came when I woke up last Monday and had toothache from hell.  Like to the point that I wanted to pull all of my teeth out on the right side of my mouth out myself with no novacaine, and I considered it for real.  I went to work as usual because I had to do payroll for the guys and ensure everyone's time was submitted for the payweek that friday... well as soon as that was done and 8:00 am rolled around (4 fucking hours after I woke up with this issue...longest 4 hours of my life) I went to my insurance website to locate the closest dentist to my house (opted for the house rather than work because I figured the odds of getting in at a "country" dentist were way more likely than one in "civilization" such as Chesapeake...)

I lucked up and the first one I called had an opening for the very next day at 8:30...

I called my boss and was approved to take a sick day, emailed corporate so they could put in my sick day time and all that jazz, slept in three and a half hours and then headed off to the little po-dunk dentist that actually ended up being pretty high tech as far as the x-ray machine went...

So anyway... the xray showed nothing wrong with my teeth and i looked at the dentist and was going off in my head about 'what the fuck do you know you backwoods quack (which is pretty fucking crazy since I've been raised in the country my entire life, doesn't make me an ignorant rednect like all these folks out here, lol--lucky for me, it's not contagious, just like me being a lesbian isn't contagious to them...hahahah) but anyway...

I was like they what the hell is wrong because its making my entire head hurt doc... he feels my jaw and informed me that i was having a muscle spasm in my jaw on the right side...yes... a mother fucking CHARLIE HORSE IN MY JAW...have you ever heard of such a thing... Had the hygenist not been non-stop talking to me about her bible study and choir this and choir that and almost past out when I used the word pissed I would have sooooo taken the opportunity to point out the irony and total humor in the fact that there was a big ol lesbo sitting there with basically a case of lockjaw---HAHAHAHAH.... how random is it to get a charlie horse in your jaw... either way they suck.

After a week of "mouth stretches" long showers with hot water beating down on it, and hot compresses, no charlie horse and no headaches...good grief!!!

A new addition... The boxer

We have a new addition to our "non-traditional" family... He is a bed hog, farts in his sleep and looks like an old man... His name is Ruca (pronounced roo-ca like a cow goes moo). His previous owner had a 2 month old baby, an 8 and 9 year old and a navy husband who always seemed deployed.... So he was headed to a shelter... Instead he was placed at Rainbow casa lol... Pepper is getting used to him and pouting quite a bit, Lil man loves him, Jen adores him, I think he's great but worry about pepper... He is 3 and already house broke crate trained and neutered oh and did I mention awesome and cute as hell? Take a look for yourself... He's never been to the country or had this much space to run he is loving life...

new book

OMG!!!!

I found a new book that I'm in love with and an author that I may become obsessed with...we'll see once I read another one of her books, lol. 

I read Waking Up Gray by R. E. Bradshaw and it was phenomenal. 

You see, what had happened was: I was down at the beach at my parents house (because they are officially retired now and living in Salvo, NC on Hatteras Island, NC--my favorite place in the entire world) and I decided to find a couple of new books to download to my kindle app on the Ipad while down there and using their wifi since I don't have internet in the country...

I think I may have searched under lighthouses or something, can't remember but I'm glad i came across it because this book was incredible.  It takes place on Ocracoke Island, NC (which is the island down past Hatteras that you have to take the ferry to get to that I go to occassionally, but only on day trips...) and this forty year old woman goes down for a few month sabatical to finish her thesis, but gets distracted by her neighbor... that just so happens to be an attractive lesbian...

Amazon's description is much better:

Can you start your life over at forty? Lizbeth Jackson was about to find out. She found her first gray hair on the morning of her trip to Ocracoke Island, off the coast of North Carolina. Lizbeth was about to begin a three month sabbatical, on the scenic coastal island, in order to finish her Master's thesis in Linguistic Anthropology. She plans to study the Carolina Brogue spoken there. What she ends up studying is her lesbian neighbor across the street and the uncontrollable pull Lizbeth feels toward her. Lizbeth Jackson is about to find out what life has to offer, after waking up gray.

Let's just say that it kept my OCD anal ass on the couch from start to finish reading it...dishes piled up, laundry didn't get done, I didn't care...I just wanted to read this book...I just really liked it.  Check it out.  She has several other books, I've got to do a little research to figure out what order to read them in...

an ode to the woman I love...

I can’t remember what inspired the conversation or what show we were watching but Jen wanted to know what my favorite story to tell people about her is… I went blank.  I have a lot of favorite stories—it doesn’t necessarily mean that any of them are appropriate for just everyday conversation.  I have several stories specific to just her, or just lil man, the first time we did “this or that” or that time when… a plethora of memories that could be spewed from my mind trap at any given time, except apparently when put on the spot by my partner looking for heartfelt sentiment and a little something to make her feel loved…  it’s a real shame that I went blank and had to play it off and say that really I don’t talk to anyone which is the truth… I don’t have many friends these days and those that I do talk to already know those stories so I don’t tell my “favorite” stories regularly…

So in no particular order here are some of my favorite Jen stories/moments/memories

I took Jen down to the Outer Banks, NC for her first time a few months after we started dating.  We officially were an item as of November 8^th, 2008.  I was fresh out of a rebound relationship with a forty something “child” after a two year relationship that was a nonstop break up make up fight/cry fest… Jen wasn’t too long out of her first lesbian relationship where her heart had for a lack of better words been ripped to shreds (all of this following a divorce)…  fast forward Jen’s transfer from Colorado to Virginia for work, she met me and off we went.

 A weekend trip planned to my favorite place in the world.  Somewhere I’ve gone every year of my life several times a year since I was born—sharing that with a woman I was falling in love with.  I was taking her to Hatteras Island—Salvo to be specific.  My parents had a house there.  Not one of those fancy schmancy houses, it was a one story simple house that was built in the fifties and used to belong to my grandparents, but I digress.

One thing that had bothered me a little since Jen and I started dating was that she had a necklace she wore that had been given to her by her ex.  I couldn’t understand wearing something that was still tied to an ex, to me it was just bad “juju” but I realized that she had to work past those demons on her own, in her own time.

I prepared Jen the best I could with how wonderful the beach/ocean was, but secretly hoped I hadn’t oversold it to the point she’d be disappointed. I mean, she’s from Colorado, some folks are all mountains and snow and just don’t get down with sand and water… I explained to her about how when you get past Grandy, NC, usually near Wright Memorial Bridge—the air changes and your worries and cares begin to wash away.  By the time you get to the actual island you barely have any issues left and once you get your feet in the sand… nothing matters.  You’re on island time, the salt air, sea breeze, sun, smells, everything combined—nothing matters except what you want to. 

My most proud and exciting moment was when Jen rolled down her window when we hit the second bridge along our way, the Oregon Inlet bridge—this particular bridge is much taller and longer than the first one to get onto the Outer Banks.. she put down the window unexpectedly, but I just figured she was taking in the smells… Nope she had taken the necklace off so she could toss it into the Atlantic Ocean to never be seen again.  She freed herself from her ex and all the ties that lingered.

I took her to the see the ocean for the first time, feel the sand in her toes for the first time, see the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse for the first time---a plethora of first times and my favorite part was her timing… she had pitched the “bad juju” well before Rodanthe—marking a completely untainted fresh start for the two of us.  Incredible.

Another of my favorite memories was when I was my second time meeting her.  We met through myspace.com back in the day when myspace was cool and started talking just as friends.  It was kind of screwed up considering that I was in a relationship with this older chick, laying next to her but thinking about this chick Jen (who I didn’t really know but loved talking to and couldn’t get out of my friggin’ head)… but anyway…  The first time I met her, I worked 2^nd shift so I got off at 11:30 pm and went to her town house—she was wearing yoga pants, had a tank top with a zip up fitted hoodie zipped enough to show cleavage, long hair pulled up in a messy ponytail and smelled like something I wanted to have my face buried in, lol… omg it was soooo hard to behave.  Jen kept biting her bottom lip and I wanted to walk over and bite it for her.  She kept tugging at her hoodie and drawing attention to her boobs—such a total tease.  I didn’t kiss her that night, I did give her a hug, but I texted her later and told her that I wanted to kiss her some kind of bad and thought about turning my truck around just to kiss her… but I behaved… and stood my ground on that one… (I can’t quite recall why)

The second meeting was at her work.  She managed a movie theatre and I took my friend Julie and a couple other friends to see Twilight or some other dumb movie and I was sooooo nervous…. It was ridiculous.  I’ve never had a great deal of game, but I mean Jen has always had me out of sorts… but in a good way.  When I saw her this time I almost fell the hell out.  She had her hair down and she had straightened it… it was half way down her back…she had a her business clothes on (as was the dress code for her job back then) and her glasses…which I love… I think about that often…

I’ve since given her several makeovers got rid of her super long hair got her used to pretty short hair and got rid of her “fake lesbo” acrylic nails…because lets face it those things are just not conducive to the lifestyle, lol…

My all time favorite was the look on her face when I introduced her as my girlfriend or my partner, no matter where I was—at all times, I never hid who she was… she wasn’t used to that.  In her other relationship she was “closeted”… not in this one… I’ve helped her come out quite a bit and granted she’s still not nearly as out as I am, but compared to her past, it’s like going from John Doe on the gay scale to Ellen Degeneres on the scale… I dunno if that makes sense or not, but hey, it makes sense to me and well that’s all that damn matters…

The moral of the story is there are plenty of stories that I love to think about Jen—not all that I necessarily share all the time, but none of which I should have gone blank on when Jen needed some reassurance the most… tisk tisk tisk.

Step One: Deactivate Facebook

I've taken the first step in what I feel like will help me feel better, be better, and just "be" for that matter.  Facebook takes up entirely too much of my time.

I had 243 "friends," of which I maybe had 15 that commented on the regular or actually even noticed what I said.  I have to assume that there were at least 200 people that had hidden me from their news feed so that they wouldn't have to deal with my postings about anything LGBT...

This week was my breaking point.  In the height of all this Chick Fil-a crap and the arguing back and forth I go tired.  Really tired.  I had a friend who works there whose all up in arms because they didn't do anything wrong... a lot of folks tired of hearing about it, and some showing their support for those who are against Chick Fil-a now...

For me, it has nothing to do with Chicken and everything to do with rights.  At the end of the day, what does who I sleep with or call my partner have to do with anything? How do you figure that because I'm gay that I have no concept of family values? What difference does it make if couples are boy/girl, girl/girl, boy/boy or a cross somewhere in there? How does what I do behind closed doors at night affect you in anyway?

Again, it's not the chicken that has me pissed off.  It's the fact that so many people don't get it.  For me, boycotting Chick Fil-a is easy because well the last few times I ate there it wasn't as great as it used to be and I swore I was never going back anyway.... And it's not only Chick Fil-a who doesn't support gays, there are a lot more people, businesses, etc... but again I ask, what difference does it make who I love. 

How am I wrong? How are SOOOO many people wrong?  I hate that people still lose their jobs for their sexual orientations.  I hate that I can't plan a traditional wedding and do things like everyone else...

I hate the fact that I constantly have to stand up for and fight for what I feel is perfectly fine and natural.  I just don't get it.

SO anyway, how does this tie into Facebook? Well I got tired of arguing with my "friends" on this matter.  And this lady who was a "friend" (I've never met her but she's friends with my parents and enjoys looking at family pics or something) put up a picture of Samuel L Jackson pointing a gun that said, "Say Chick Fil-a One More Time", hey to each is own, everyone is entitled to their own opinion, but when I glanced at the comments below the pic she posted, she had people saying "OMG I know right, there are more important things going on in the world, like the Olympics" and she responded "I know, a lesbian daughter of friends is like freaking out and a coworker is blah blah blah" I don't remember it exactly after what she said about the lesbian daughter who well maybe isn't me, but I wasn't giving her the opportuntity to be "stressed out" by my posts when all she had to do was hide me from her newsfeed...I deleted her.

Then I started deleting everyone else that I'm not "real friends with" or that I haven't talked to in ten years etc... but that was taking too long, so I opted to just deactivate my account and not deal with the shit anymore.  I always preferred blogging anyway, but got sidetracked when I lost high speed internet and could more easily log into FB at work and spend two seconds putting a status in or seeing what people were up to...

I'm done.  I know there will always be people who think my lifestyle is wrong and that worries me.  I have an 8 year old in my life and I know that he will one day experience a rough time in school for having two moms... and well he himself may grow up and see that it doesn't fit what his father is teaching him through their religious beliefs and feel like his mom and I are disgusting...

I hope it never happens, but this is a reality.  At work a few people know I'm gay which means pretty much everyone does (it's a small place)... it hasn't been an issue to this point.  But I guess the reality of the matter will be when the Christmas Party rolls around and I take Jen with me.... I can't hide who I am and I just have to believe that one day people will have better things to worry about than who is in my bed with me and what kind of person that "makes me."

One day. I hope. Soon. And for those people that felt the "Olympics were more important" it's easy to say that because it doesnt affect them directly.  They can close their eyes at night and sleep peacefully next to their husband or wife and not be affected in the least little bit.

The rest of us are wondering how to overcome this, hell just survive it a lot of time.  Lose sleep thinking about how if they are in an accident or in a coma how their partner won't be allowed to make important decisions for them, or even be let into the room in some instances.  We are human just like everyone else...I'm not sure when gay and second class citizen became synonymous... but it's fucking ridiculous and these dark ages where religion and politics can't stay out of my bedroom need to go. 

My big gay rant

If I was around during the whole segregation thing I would have surely been killed for drinking out a water fountain that was for blacks only, or sitting on the wrong end of the bus just to piss someone off. 

If I was around when the whole women's rights movement was hot and heavy I would have surely had my ass beat by some randomly large oppressive man because I was too out of the box and belonged barefoot pregnant and in the kitchen...

And here I am, currently witness and part of the continuing gay rights movement.... and while I haven't been killed yet, I do hope to see a positive shift in things before I'm taken out by some ignorant homophobe who was offended by one of my rainbow tattoos or who didn't like the trail of glitter I leave behind (one of the side effects to being absolutely freaking fabulous and all) :)

Why are soooo many people soooo closed minded. 

You only think you're going to escape all of us while "we burn in hell," but in reality... we'll be saving that seat for your judgemental ass and well word on the street is there's no rules in hell... so pretty sure you'll end up being someone's gay bitch. Just saying.

I'm in the mood to fight. I want to stir shit up and make people uncomfortable with my beliefs.  I want to join forces with others that believe what I believe and shift everyone's views of gays, lesbians, bis, and transexuals.  I just want to know who died and made the conservatives boss. 

Who said, "hey dude, yeah you with that bible in your hand-- go forth and discriminate against gays and make their lives a living hell.  Ensure they never get the same rights as you because let's face it, if they do, then everything will go down hill from there."?

Being gay doesn't mean that I have some zombie flesh hungry virus that is contagious and leaves me lurking in the shadows to attack when you least expect it.  We don't have parties that are equivalent to Pampered Chef, Home Interiors, or whatever "hot home party" is trending right now (I guess that would mean the more straight people you could convert the more free gifts you'd get?) Dammit, what a shame, I've really been eyeballing that professional cookware set too....

While I don't know what inspired this post other than the fact that this situation pisses me off and makes me feel helpless and alone, I'm glad I was soo motivated.

People need to know that the GLBT community will not always remain in the "shadows" of your conservative ways and that eventually, we will have the same rights as the rest of ya'll.  It may not seem like it now, but the fact that blacks can sit anywhere on any bus they choose and eat in the same restaurants, and that women can now vote and go to work alongside of men (and sometimes even be their bosses, lmao) tells me that it's just a matter of time until gay rights are just something in the history books and that HUMAN RIGHTS WILL PREVAIL.

Dun dun dun...until next time... I'm out. (no pun intended).

Offer.

I found a house and made an offer.  It's in the country and is just a beautiful brick ranch style home on like 1/2 an acre or less and has a fenced in yard for pepper to run and play.  It's great.  Now the countdown begins...will the offer be accepted, what changes will have to come between now and then and will we ever get to a closing point... I hope everything works out.  Id like to once again have a place to call mine.  The kitchen is huge too... lots of space for my appliances that are in storage and waiting to be used.... just waiting... just waiting.

One shit day after another

My mood today is less than desirable, for me but especially for those around me.  I have taken a xanax to try and ease the angst that I'm feeling, but it didn't help.  I took a three and a half hour nap (which I will regret later tonight when I'm not able to sleep and have to get up at 4am for work).  I'm just fucking pissed off.

I don't feel like it's okay for me to just be in a shitty mood.  I always have to take everyone elses feelings into consideration and dammit, I don't fucking feel like it.

I want to be mad, I want to scream, I want to punch someone in the face and I want to break something all at the same time.

The fact that EVERY single time I have a day like this there always seems to be some fucking "pressing" converation to be had just pisses me off that much more.  I'm tired of being accused of being a cold hearted bitch and the fact that people around me want to sugar coat shit for them, when they know that from day one, I never have.  I don't have it in me to bullshit someone or say just what I think they want to hear. If you don't want my thoughts, don't fucking ask for them.

If you're sensitive and want me to smother you with affection, go elsewhere, I'm not going to do that either.  I don't want to do things because you want me to, I want to do it when I want to.  So fuck it.  I've accepted that this is a no fucking win situation...the kicker is however, that eventually someone has to win.  It's all in how the cards are dealt and how far I get backed into a corner.... today is not the fucking day, let me tell you.  Don't ask me my fucking thoughts because I know you can't fucking handle them.

Falling off the wagon and laying under the tire

I fell off the carb wagon.  The truth is that I talk a good game but even when I had "given up" carbs, I still hadn't eliminated a daily candy bar or some other type of treat.  I had given up bread with no problem and even fried foods, but candy bars...just couldn't do it.

Well I've been in a weird mood lately.  It pisses me off to see my dad be on this thing for a week and drop ten pounds like that.  Sure, he stuck to it to a t, but even so I justified it by saying that men always drop weight faster than women.  My uncle came and visited and he too is down 10 pounds his first week.

Fuck them.  Not really... I'm bitter, sure--but it's my own fault.  And then today, this weekend, the mood I've been in just isn't helping.  I'm full of angst and just want to punch something or break something.  I'm fine when I'm at work, it's when I'm home that seems to be the real issue.

Despite falling off the wagon, I'm still down 9 pounds since I started this whenever the hell that was, but I've decided that tomorrow is going to be my redo day.  The day where I start over and don't hold this failed attempt against me, just do something to fix it.

I'm going to give up carbs for real this time, no bullshit candy bars and other pointless prior "necessities," I'm the only one in control of this, so I might as well be the one to do something about it.  I can't blame anyone for my failures and well when it comes to taking pride in success, well it will be because I did it and no one else matters.

I told Jen that she wasn't helping the situation.  I was having to always sit around her and watch her drink regular sodas and eat bowl after bowl of cereal, and just eat whatever the hell she wanted to while I was trying to really not lose my ever fucking loving mind.  Again, she is her own person.  She says she too is going to make changes, but I can't wait for her to make them before I get motivated.

My bridesmaid dress fits so that's a plus...my goal is to have to have it taken in a bit prior to my sister's August 18th wedding.  Time will tell...one day at a time.

In other news...my job still rocks.

I just finished my second week at my new job and man do I love it.  I mean LOVE it.  I'm still learning all the components we manufacture, but the great thing is that they are taking into account that my background isn't manufacturing and have structured my position in a way that I focus on overall plant operations, but have a guy that helps oversee the manufacturing stuff if you will.

They finally picked a title for me, I'm the PLANT ADMINISTRATOR.  Yay.  I got my business cards this week so I'm official AND my prescription safety glasses have been ordered.  I met with several vendors and did various price comparisons, completed the office "clean up/reorganization" project I started at the end of my first week, and also went to lunch with my boss and the CEO.

It's awesome because here in a few weeks my boss won't be coming up weekly like he has had to do since September.  He'll be able to work from Atlanta where he lives and then only come up like once a month to see how things are going, though I'll be in constant communication with him for various projects that will be going on.

The guys are a little confused as to my "role" at the plant.  They know I'm the new chick (well only chick) and I seem to get along with everyone, (they are a good group of guys), but because of my title and the "pyramid" type diagram that shows the layout of the company as it relates to our site, there is confusion.  The chain of command used to go, CEO-VP of Engineering (my boss)-Plant Manager- and then below Plant Manager fell, QA, Production, Shipping, and Administration (because back, in the day they had a office person that ran things on the inside...)

Well I'm the Plant Administrator and my job encompasses that of Administrator AND Plant Manager.  Basically in short, I'm the manager, but I have more of a background in shipping, QA, personnel, general warehousing, safety, packaging (everything not manufacturing) than I do manufacturing.  So this time (since I'm the third person they've tried in this role--they altered it a bit to see if I would be successful)... the 1st guy lasted a year and didn't know how to treat people so was fired, the 2nd guy lied to my boss and didn't listen so he got fired, and well now there's me who knows what they did wrong so I can easily avoid that, but have to worry about screwing up in some new fashion...

At Monday's start up meeting I'm going to tell the guys that I'm going to sit down with them one on one throughout the week and give them some feedback on their performance as far as what I've observed in my first couple of weeks and give them a chance to express their concerns, comments, questions, whatever...that way they will have a better understanding that I am indeed the boss and can make or break them, without seeming pompous and like a complete ass, because that isn't my goal.

Thursday we have a team outing and are going to see the Norfolk Tides play a game... pretty cool stuff... and what a way to end my third week.  I love the whole Monday through Thursday schedule (even if I do work 11 to 12 hours on those days)... overtime is done on Friday if at all which still leaves me 2 days to relax before getting up at 4am again and doing it all over.

Yesterday I got home from work and took a hot bath.  I got so relaxed that when I got dressed I laid down and decided I'd take a short nap...this was a 6:30 pm...I woke up this morning at 6:30 am because Jen in a panic thought I had overslept and I hadn't even moved.... I NEVER sleep on only one side all night, NEVER.

I still feel like I've found my calling.  That in itself feels great.

You're Preapproved... those sketchy famous words

It's no secret that Jen and I have been trying to decide our next route in the world of "where to live?" We hadn't bargained on being at my mom's house for the entire year we have been, but are grateful for it.  I'm lucky I had notice to an upcoming lay off, since soooo many people don't get that luxury.  I could avoid renewing a lease and worrying about how I was going to pay the rent I was paying and everything else.... thank goodness.

Well since my parents' house is now officially on the market, the "where to live" issue is even more important and the sense of urgency in finding a place has increased to say the least.  Our plan this entire time was finding a place to rent and staying there a year and then buying so that we could stop freakin' moving. 

Lil man really loves the school he is at, but if we look for a place that is in that school's district, it is going to make it a ridiculous distance once he hits middle school and high school... so we are trying to keep what he wants in mind, but at the same time we are the adults and have to do what's right for the family, not just the kid.

The thought of coming up with a security deposit and first months rent to get us into a place has been overwhelming me.  My xanax intake has increased, but not to an everyday level (yet), lol... I'm trying to avoid that.  The money I had in savings is nearly completely wiped out because of the additional time I spent unemployed (again, not planned, but how can you really plan that)... So I was going to be relying on Jen to come up with this money to get us out of my parents house and into a new "rental."

She has other obligations at the moment that were going to make that difficult.  What to do what to do?  I really want to buy a house, but with an unemployment gap and no money down that was pretty much out of the question.  Late one night a couple of weeks ago I went to lendingtree.com just to see if someone would finance me anyway.

I felt much better about dumping money into my own house rather than paying out the ass to rent someone elses and not even be able to change it or fix it how I want it.  Well they matched me with 5 lenders.  I spoke with one and was preapproved almost immediately, which made me nervous as to how "over eager" this guy was.  I researched his company and there were several complaints on ripoffreport.com and they are not endorsed by the better business bureau... so sure, you say I'm preapproved, but how much of my soul am I going to have to give up in the process of finding a home.

Another was honest and said he probably couldn't do it based off of mine, but maybe he could off of Jen's so he wanted her information.  I didn't want to do it that way... I wanted the both of us to be on the loan, or at least me by myself, because I felt like I could get the better interest rate of the two of us...so I stopped dealing with him.  I couldn't find a great deal of info on him because he was a broker who was going to be finding an investor for me. 

The third took too long to even follow up with me so she to was out.

The fourth was promising, ranked by the BBB and not a lot of negative feedback and wouldn't promise anything he wasn't 100% sure of.  The things he didn't know, he researched and got back to me on.

The fifth guy I had been talking to from the start and is a company that has an A+ with the BBB and is ranked the highest with Lendingtree and seems to have nothing but positive info and feedback available on it.... He's the one who came through.  He preapproved me for a USDA loan, with the contingency that I can't close until I provide 30 days worth of pay stubs to prove my current income with my new job.  (I got my first stub yesterday for a partial check, the first full check comes at the end of the month, so no problem.)  I provided him with two years of employment history proof, paystubs from my last job, as well as unemployment benefit information... and yay...look at me, got preapproved.

The deal with a USDA loan is that it has to meet certain criteria because it is a federal loan as opposed to a FHA loan where you have to have 3% down and it's issued through a bank.  A USDA loan requires that the property be purchased in a "rural" area that has an address that is "approved" by them... there's a website for that piece.  You can't make over a certain amount of money, own any other property, or try and buy anything that has outbuildings on it, like a barn or workshop or something (has to be like a detached garage or carport if anything)

So now, I'm working with my aunt who is a realtor and also the one selling my parents house to try and find such property and make an offer.  Wait up to 60 days to actually close on the house and then move in.  I'm crossing my fingers that I'll find something that Jen also likes, lol, but is also something that is just down right fabulous that just screams Tommy (and maybe a hint of Jen, hahaha).

Wish me luck.

GASP!

My niece Charley is about 2 and 1/2 years old.  She's awesome and I love her (I'm sure I'm biased since she's my niece and all, but there aren't many kids as cool as she is...lol)

When she was visiting a couple of weeks ago she kept saying, "NO Ganny, don't black my eye..." apparently my sister says she's gonna black her eye sometimes to be funny (she doesn't hit her, lol) and Charley picked it up...

Well today I got a text from my sister that said, "Charley tripped and fell and said, JEEEEZUS, I busted my ass!!!"

I love this age and the fact that she's repeating everything.

Little man got in trouble the other day for hitting something with his bike in the driveway and yelling "JEEZUS CHRIST" really loud... okay, my bad...apparently I say that wayyyyyy more than I realized.  Gotta stop that... lucky for me, he's 8 and knows when I say not to repeat somethign I mean business.  The 2.5 year old on the other hand... NOT SO MUCH.

Day one: New job

Okay, let me just say that I may have finally found my "dream" job.  I am the new Site Manager (the title is still up in the air because some want me called office manager because I'll manage HR, do all the office stuff, but in addition, I also manage safety, plan production, etc... so site manager is what they are considering...but that doesn't matter...they are just words

I have a cell phone (an iphone that used to be the guy I replaced), a laptop, a brand new laptop bag/briefcase to keep all my crap together, several company shirts, the master key, a key to the company truck for running errands, and was added to the account they have with a vendor so that I can make purchases and bill it to the company.

I feel like such a grown up.  It's a new industry for me... I left the world of flower bulbs and have entered one that revolves around fireplaces (sort of)... But I can learn it and I can rock it... I have about ten guys working for me and I'm the only female on site, but hey, that's cool too...

I'm super excited, there is a company outing already planned which I'll be a part of later this month and it just seems like I've finally found my place.

Sure, it's day one and plenty can go wrong... I'm sure that in a few months I'll be bitching about something that pisses me off about the place or the people, or a broken machine... but hey... I don't care.  I'm working FINALLY (six months unemployed sucked on soooo many levels) and I'm doing something that is what I've wanted to do for a while now...  HOLLA!

I can't believe he friggin' said that

So I start my new job tomorrow which is excellent because I've missed the routine of reporting to work and having stuff to do reguarly for six months.  Before I was extended an offer however, my references had to be called. 

This was concerning because my most recent supervisor and I didn't get along.  We faught all the time, I was consistently insubordinate, and he always found a way to belittle my work and do things to piss me off in hopes that I would snap.

The entire time we worked together I never friended him on facebook. I am just as open on facebook as I am in blogging (a bit less than blogging actually, but anyway...) Luckily, as the lay off approached we called a truce and just kept it moving...

He told me I could use him as a reference and when my new boss called him for a reference apparently he had nice things to say which included that he'd hire me again... (though Ih ave a hard time believing)

So anyway about a month or so ago, I added my old boss on facebook, I figured hey it was a safe thing to do.  Well I get a message from him after he talked to my now current boss... He said that my now new boss really sounded like he wanted to hire me and that he wished me well.  I jokingly responded that I was worried he'd tell the guy the "truth" and I'd never be hired anywhere....

He then responded with (my paraphrasing of course): Tommy, you are great at what you do but you just share too much personal information about yourself... if you think of the "perfect" boss for you and then be that same "perfect" boss for your employees, you'll be fine, just keep your personal life out of it.

Sure this makes sense, but it bothered me.  You see prior to the layoff we worked as much as 90 hours in a week.  I was at work wayyyyyy more than I was at home and the only people I talked to at that time were my coworkers, 2 fellow supervisors (1 of which I talked to more than the other, because the other annoyed the piss out of me) and then my boss, who Id talk to about random stuff.  Since I'm gay, I'd always be the one at lunch if we all went out to ask a woman who had a nice rack if they were real or not because they were chicken shits and I wasn't, but could ask without sounding like an asshole... Out of the 3, I talked to 1 more than anyone, whether I was venting or talking to him about his family, didn't matter, we just talked because we were the only ones we'd see most of the time, not necessarily because we were best friends.... (if that makes sense)

Well I learned the hard way that it is imparative to success in management that you keep your work and personal life as separate as possible.  Even when I was interviewing I'd play the pronoun game so that no one knew my fiance was a woman, I didn't share details about lil man other than his age or grade, and even now when I start work tomorrow I plan on keeping it basic which is going to be difficult because sometimes in order to get a rapport with your people you have to be friendly and be part of the conversation and if they're talking about their wives then you should too... The point is that it's a fine balance and I have a better concept of how to keep it just that, balanced...

But the part that pissed me off about his comment was that he mixed personal/work just as much as I did and a lot of the time he was the one that initiated conversations.

Maybe I got mad because it was something that I didn't want to hear... maybe I needed to hear it... either way, I've got a new job, a chance for a clean slate, and I can be whoever I choose to be. I can't believe he said that I was great at what I do... I just wanted to say, look ass, why did you have such a problem telling me that when you were my boss and making me feel like shit.... I've got a lot riding on this opportunity and I'm not going to let someone else's opinion fuck it up for me.  I've got this.  I know more now than i did then... life has a learning curve ya know... luckily for me my mistakes didn't cripple me permanently. 

I've got this.

Can we just get this over with already?

I've mentioned before that my parents are putting their house on the market.  This is the house that I've called home off and on for 26 years...we built it and have lived here since.  Well when I found out last spring that I was going to be getting laid off from my job sometime by the end of the year, Jen and I opted to not renew our lease and we moved back to the stixx and out of civilization back to the house I've always known.

In theory this was a sweet gig, but it meant a longer commute, no high speed internet (which took me away from my blogging which turns out to be the one outlet that I NEED in order to avoid becoming addicted to my xanax script, lol) and going from a 2 bedroom with 3 people and my dog to a 4 bedroom with 6 people and 3 dogs (unless company is in, which is frequent so more people and more dogs).  Luckily when my parents built this house they made it fairly roomy, like 2900 or some feet I think, so I've been pretty spoiled when it comes to space. 

Mom and dad in one room, lil man got his own room (which he always loves), Jen and I share one, my aunt has a room, everyone's respective dog crashes with them in said room and there's the other normal stuff...so we aren't cramped really but when you put that many people in a house and consider the differences in personality, opinion, tastes in food, and having 1 eight year old who then has five parents rather than 2 (because yes, everyone tells him what to do, lol) it gets rough.  It's rough on Jen and I because we are living under my parents rules (which are fairly leniant, they aren't the crazy overbearing ones, but it's still rough to remain respectful at all times and not feel like you are walking on eggshells a lot of the time) I'm digressing a great deal here but the point is it's not easy.  I love that we had somewhere to go when things got tough (living off of unemployment the last 6 months and still trying to contribute to the bills here and put money away isn't always possible. But part of that can be for another blog.

Well in order to get the house on the market, which they wanted to have listed by May 1st there was a lot to do and needless to say on today, June 3rd, it's still not on the market but tomorrow the photographer will be coming to take pics of the house and get everything he needs for the virtual tour on the realtor's website. 

So remember how I said this house is 26 years old... well things were  alot different in 1986, when I was five or six than they are now (especially when it comes to homes).  We had a lot of updating to do.  My parents didn't want to put too much money into because they knew they were going to probably lose more than it was worth, but we did the basics.  This ranged from scraping wallpaper and removing randomness, new paint, touching up the stain on all the wood work, pressure washing the vinyl on the house and garage, filling holes in the driveway, and keeping everything spotless for pictures. 

Periodically my mom will have a meltdown and go off about how she's never going to be able to move or get the house on the market and none of it matters etc etc etc... so then you have me, the literal bipolar one in the family who is trying to keep it together and not go off the deep end in the midst of complete and total chaos in the house. Jen is stressed all the time because of all the changes being made and piles of stuff to be moved out or to be put elsewhere... I'm stressed because I'm home with mom the most since I don't start my new job until tomorrow, so Im the one available to hear her vent...

Let's just say that after those pictures are taken tomorrow, I have to hope that life will get better.  I don't have a place to move to yet because I need to get a couple of paychecks for employment verifications, plus my savings (which was going to be security deposit and first months rent is now wiped out--which is understandable considering unemployment pay was only a portion of my annual salary prior to the lay off) plus I had an issue with my unemployment and Im not getting anymore money until I have a phone hearing on June 11th... so that puts a dampner on things to say the least.  But none of that matters because I know it will all work out.  I know that somewhere there is a place for Jen, me, and lil man, and Pepper the dog (eventually Chino Kitty when I move him from grandmas house where he keeps her company and I go weekly and change the litter box and say hey to grandma)... I know that at some point soon the freedom of having my own place will return and while I appreciate my parents and family, no one can argue with the fact that if you had the option of being on your own or moving back in with the rents, you'd pick freedom.  (most parents would pick the same for their kids as well)

Tomorrow I start my new job and report the same time the photographer arrives here. When I get off of work, it will be finished, I can go pick up lil man from the "sitter" and come home, do his spelling words with him and get him fed and then pull out the legos and start rebuilding lego city which had to be torn down for picture purposes... you see blogging isn't my only outlet.... legos is too.  Yes, I'm 31 and still play with legos.... so what... they are awesome... plus its a great way to bond with an 8 year old ya know.

The countdown is on, can we just get this over already?

Torture Redefined

I love carbs.  I love carbs so much that I consume them every single day, every single meal, and every single snack without any thought to the number of them I'm taking in.  This would be okay if I were a size 2 with a wicked tapeworm.

Unfortunately, I'm a 22 and looking to buy a tapeworm on the black market (not really)(well unless you know of a great deal, lol)... I've always been a bigger girl, but had a pretty face to play it off... I do things that take the focus away from my size and divert it to things I like such as my hair or make up or TATTOOS. I love tattoos almost as much as I love carbs, but I digress.

I realized the other day after seeing pictures of me that were taken over memorial day weekend that I'm much bigger than I thought.  I did some math and realized that since I lost my job at the end of December, I've packed on about 25 pounds...

You may be wondering how any of this is relevant (to which I'll remind you of the name of my blog: empty thoughts and leave it at that... the name alone implies plenty)...

I am currently going through a divorce with the love of my life CARBS.  I decided that since my sister's wedding is on August 18th and the dress that I have on order is a size 20 (and fit at the time of the fitting... oh how I wish my dress size was my real size, lmao...) that I need to at least not gain any weight in the days leading up to the event. 

I figured that the fastest way to drop the pounds would be going low carb.  Im not wiping them out completely, but I am trying to keep them below 50g a day.  By the time you figure the carbs in veggies, or salad dressing or the residual ones in some meats and cheeses... it will all work out (I don't actually count them).  In fact, I started this about 4 days ago and today is the only day I haven't cheated.

Enter Torture stage left.  Lil man had a field trip today to the VA Living Museum.  His teacher asked Jen if she could provide the pizza for the class so that the kids wouldn't have to worry about packing a lunch.  She agreed, but neglected to realize the location of the museum versus the location of her work.  Tommy to the rescue.  I drove a little over an hour to pick up the pizzas and then back tracked about 15 minutes to get to the museum at which time I called the teacher and let her know I was there and that she could meet me out front. 

Sounds simple enough, right?  Not so much.  We are talking 15 minutes in a 2 door Tiburon with 6 hot and fresh pizzas (3 pepperoni, 3 cheese).  It was impossible to not smell them and even more difficult to turn off my stomach, which by this point was now growling and sending messages to my brain that said, "Come on man, you know you want it...let's get our fatass on." Torture. 

I am however proud to report that I triumped over said torture and did not cave. I realized that I could eat pizza whenever I want it (I just can't eat the bread/crust parts)... The cheese is my favorite part (I normally scrape it off the pizza and save it for last anyway) so hey... I got this.

It's hard.  I miss carbs already.  I hear "her" in the cabinets calling my name.  Cereal that beckons me to pour ice cold milk over it and enjoy. Loaves of bread that magically shape themselves into a heart to show their love for me... pasta speaking to me in italian (which I don't speak, but totally get the jist of what he's saying.  Carbs is in nearly everything, especially in all the things that I love.

But I can do this.  I'm going to do this.  Hell, I gave up candy for 40 days during lent and I'm not even Catholic...I should be able to do this if I put my mind to it... right? Oh for the love of pete I hope so. 

I've already lost 3 pounds (which in this girls world is PHENOMENAL) My mom saw me gettind discouraged and handed me 3 pounds of butter to hold so I had an idea of how much that really is... ALOT. 

Triumph over torture, maybe I'll make that my new motto.

I suppose it's not as catchy as "I heart carbs" but hey...we'll work out the logistics later.

So...this is what 31 feels like...

Yep, it's my birthday.  31 years ago today I was born...yay, lmao.  So in reality its just another day...I've never been big on birthdays (probably stemming from the fact that I had to share a party every single year of my life with my sister, who was born five days short of a year after me and who stays the same age as me for 5 days)... Yep she's a May 19 chick, a Taurus, which makes complete and total sense with her whole bullheaded demeanor...but gotta love her... and the year prior on May 24th I was born... a gemini, which is more scary than you even realize.  I've never been huge into astrology and signs and what not, but if you read the "profile" of a gemini, dude, it's sooooo many its ridiculous.  I tried to convince everyone for a while that I wasn't bipolar, but actually just a gemini, hahah... that only worked for a short period of time before someone had to intervene, ha.

I can say that there are a lot of things that I thought would be different by the time I got here.  Not even referring to when I was 18 trying to picture myself as 31... I'm talking just over the last year.  I didn't expect to actually live with my parents for an entire year like I have... I didn't expect to be out of work an entire 6 months like I was... I dunno, I pictured a house, a steady job, maybe even a trade in on my Tiburon with something a little more "sensible" with four doors and what not.  I mean when I got it, lil man was only like 5 so he thought it was cool that i had a car that looked like Jazz from transformers...now it just kills me to have to watch him climb in the back crammed in like an anchovie, but hey, he makes the most of it. 

Even with the things that I thought would be different, I have to admit there have still been some pretty awesome things happen.  Some as crazy as my car insurance dropping to like 87 bucks a month (where at my highest, in my early 20s we were talking closer to 400 bucks a month...) I think that's one of the signs that you are a grown up... well that and the fact that my Lane Bryant credit card just sent me a letter letting me know that they increased my credit limit and it didn't spark an immediate need for a shopping spree, lmao.

I need to request a new birth certificate from the state of North Carolina because the one I have (the orginal) is just a little white retangle piece of paper and apparently isnt considered official or legit.  If I'm going to eventually file for a marriage license, I'm going to need that.

I dunno... I do want to share with you the coolest birthday present ever:

My mom and dad bought them for me.  It's a gift that says, we love you, we support you, but you're 31 for pete's sake, move the fuck out.

Lmao... In reality I was going to buy them for myself because they just made me happy!!! My mom was like you don't need a suitcase, I was like mom, no I NEED these suitcases, lmao.  They just make me so happy how bright and colorful and super gay they are.  LOVE IT.

So that's what mom/dad opted to do for me for my birthday rather than their original idea whatever that was.

My sister and niece are coming in this weekend and I think she's bringing her fiance... he's a cool dude as I've mentioned before.... but most of all I'm looking forward to seeing Charley, my niece...she's 2 and a half now... and so big and talking up a storm and she just makes me crack up.  Anyway, I'm sure that I'll be motivated here before too long to share some pictures of her... I bought her a rainbow striped bathing suit yesterday for 2 bucks, brand new at the thrift store... I figured, hell for 2 bucks even if she only wears it once to amuse me then it's worth it... (her mom probably won't have her rocking it when they get home because it's a bikini and she's anti those... it's not one thats like an 18 yr olds but made for a 2 year old, it's a legit age appropriate bikini, but I digress.

For now, I need a nap. Maybe I can get away with that since it's my birthday and all.

While I was away...

So I just realized I haven't blogged since the end of February... oh how I long for high speed internet and living in civilization.  I loved being able to just open my computer and blog.  I've been writing, but in a different format you could say...I've started writing my first book.  It's a memoir I suppose and while I have no idea who would want to read it, I'm proud of myself for the simple fact that I started it and am letting go of a lot of things by sharing it aloud (or on paper, lol)...

A lot has happened in my absence... my sister is getting married again.  The guy is great... i met him at Christmas and he treats her great and my niece loves him to death so he gets my vote for sure.  I'm going to be her maid of honor...the wedding will take place in August and will be on a ball field where she and her new husband will throw the first pitch of the game, which is pretty friggin awesome if you ask me. 

I've gained like twenty pounds since losing my job at the end of December... I've been rather bored and found comfort in eating my emotions.. I should really swap out the candy bars, skittles, gummi bears, and junk food in general for "pussy" lol... Jen wouldn't complain and well I'm sure it's less calories, plus I'd be burning a few as I went so it would balance out... In reality it sounds good, but we have very different schedules and I'm cranky if I get woke up, so for her to tap me on the shoulder and be like, hey Want a snack--well let's just say it wouldn't be pleasant...

I ordered my short, frilly, chiffon bridesmaids dress in Horizon blue (kind of like a royal blue I suppose) and have to at least not get any bigger than I am in order for it to fit come the big day... my goal is actually to shed some weight and have to have it taken in (a girl can dream right...)  Jen was also supposed to be in the wedding party, but couldn't justify the cost of the dress right now since she has a new car now and other obligations.  So my sister in law is going to be one instead...

Speaking of my sister in law... she's pregnant.  My brother is super excited, but they are both nervous at the same time because she miscarried once already and it hurt them deeply... She wasn't far along the last time and now I'd say shes at like 8 or 9 weeks, so not in the clear yet, but she feels better about this go round... they are keeping it more on the down low than last time because they don't want to have something happen and then have to explain to everyone if something goes wrong.  My fingers are crossed because I think overall my brother will be a great dad.  My sister in law already has one kid, she's ten, so I know already that she's good to go in the mom department, you know.

My sister was also pregnant.  Yes, I said was.  She was about 2 or 3 months along and went to the doctor for an ultrasound when they discovered there was no heart beat.  The doctors pretty much told her to prepare for a miscarriage... it will pass and life will go on type of thing.  What they didn't expect was all the complications that came with it.  My sister lost a lot of blood, passed out several times in the bathroom while my niece was awake, freaking out and crying, because of the "crime scene" (I can only imagine how it seemed to a 2.5 year old)... She managed to send a text that she thought she needed to go to the hospital before passing out again in the middle of the bathroom floor.  A friend of hers banged on the door until she finally came to and opened it at which point she took her to the hospital.  My mom went up to take care of my niece and to help my sister out physically and emotionally.  Well the hospital was ready to discharge her, but when she stood up her blood pressure dropped and she got lightheaded and almost passed out again.  They admitted her and ended up giving her 4 units of blood.  The nurse couldn't even believe my sister was conscious because of the amount of blood she had lost.  She had gone "critical" and was in ICU for a brief time but luckily came out of it okay.  My mom brought her back here, rather than leaving her in the town she lives in 5 hours away because her job was still trying to get ahold of her and get her to work and other bullshit.  I'm just glad she's okay.  It was rough on her and her fiance  (her fiance has also been married once before and his exwife miscarried, so he was a little traumatized Id say).

Jen and I have been having a hard time with lil man.  He's been going through some serious shit since turning 8.  He has his super sweet moments but a lot of times they are overshadowed by his demonish possessed ways.  I'm learning that while jen may disagree, my patience level is higher than I ever could have imagined.  I think he's ADHD or something... he is the mirror image of my brother at that age... fidgety, can't stay focused, all over the damn place, can't remember shit you just told him because he's too busy thinking about what he's going to do or get into next... but the biggest issue is his lying.  He lies all the time.  It's scary how good he is at it.  He gets off the school bus lying... he recently had the teacher initial next to an assignment he wrote in his agenda (thats where he writes what homework he has)... after she initialed it, he erased the assignment and wrote "none' because he didn't feel like fucking doing it. 

He currently has no toys in his room.  My mom got so fed up the last time he lied (a few days ago) that she went and boxed up every single one of his toys and took them away (except for the legos which are in my room so I can play with them, not him)  He's allowed to read, write, draw, or do outside activities like ride his bike or play ball or stuff like that... no toys though, he has to earn them back.  He had already lost video games and tv... I've tried having him write I will not lie 100 times (he hates writing and has horrendous handwriting so it kills 2 birds with one stone... practice while being tortured).. I told him the next time would be 200... he wrote 200 just a couple of days ago.  The next time will be 500 and then 1000... I dont know what the hell else to do.  Luckily he's going to be with his dad the ENTIRE summer which gives me a break, time to be a "free" adult without having to worry about a babysitter or a kid walking in during sex (which luckily hasn't happened, knock on wood)... It gives me a chance to like him again, lmao.  His dad doesn't take any shit and spanks him more than we do (I've tried that approach too, it doesn't work)... If I were to do it to the point that I know he'd never do it again, I'd be put in jail for child abuse... My parents were able to do it to us kids and man, we didn't do shit again after being punished for it once, I can tell you that much... but I digress.

My mom and dad are selling their house.  My dad will be retiring in September, the National Guard didn't renew his "contract" or whatever it's called... he's trying to get a civil service job for a year or two so that he doesn't lose out on his civil service retirement... either way I think he's just happy to be over with it soon.

After the last hurricane last year, mom and dad had to replace a lot of stuff in their beach house down in Salvo, NC (past rodanthe, of the movie/book Nights in Rodanthe)... (they didn't have insurance because of the age of the house and lack of updates, no one would cover it) well with all the mold that came with the 4 inches of water that got in the house came a lot of opportunity to fix, redo, and upgrade.  They decided since they are putting all kinds of money into fixing the place up and making it current (everything prior to this was circa 1955-1960s, except for their fishing equipment)... they put a new bathroom in, new flooring, turned the spare bedroom into two, redid the kitchen and made it a custom kitchen thats just awesome... and sooooo much more--they are going to retire there.  So, I'm in the process of using my unemployed time to help mom and dad get this house ready to sell...

They will be moved out by mid June at the latest... I'll be able to stay here with Jen for a little while, which will help it not be vacant, but also gives me time to find a place... I just found out that Jen's sister and her kids are planning or considering a change of scenery and want to move out here to VA from Colorado.  I think it's awesome if they were to do that.  Lil man will have someone to play with a lot more, and well they are just cool.  Jen's oldest nephew is now my godson (his original godparent has been estranged from the family and he doesn't really know him and well I stepped up, lol)... so I'm his godfather, yes father... he also refers to me as his uncle just because its hilarious.  The second oldest is 17 and just came out of the closet.  I told him he could call me anytime he needed to because, even though I didn't come out during high school, I've been out a lot longer than Jen and feel like I might be of help in some areas that she cant.  He was having some problems with depression for a while... I can only imagine how tough it is for a kid to be out in high school... I sent him my black canvas messenger bag with the little rainbow squiggly which was the first "gay" thing I ever owned.  I told him the story behind it in a letter that I sent and reminded him that sometimes the things that are the most right are the hardest, never second guess himself and so on.  I would love to be the one who takes him to his first PRIDE and what have you.... The other two kids are like 11 and 13 I think.. a boy and a girl. 

Part of me is leery about his whole thing for the simple fact that this is the same sister that had the New York opportunity about a year ago that fell through... She was offered a spectacular job, found Jen and I positions, but when it came to the move her ex husband had an issue with the distance and since he didn't agree they couldn't move or something...so it's kind of a I'll believe it when I see it scenario.  A change of scenery would do them good though... Jen and her sister are having a hard time with their mom right now... (shes quite narcissistic and all about herslf, she always has to be the victim and blah blah blah)... I digress....

Jen and I have been talking more and more about getting married.  We've been engaged for over a year now and I'm not necessarily in a rush.  I want to marry her but I want to be sure that she takes things like finances seriously like I do... The things we fight about the most are money, lil man, and my obsessive compulsiveness when it comes to cleaning vs her 'eh, I'll get it done eventually and will do it half way" mentality... As hard as it is to have a "gay marriage" recognized, I'd hate to have to look into a "gay divorce" lol... I mean what it boils down to is that no, I wouldn't want to fight with anyone else (not to say that's all we do, lol) but at the same time I want to know for sure that she has my back.  I've been out of work for nearly six months now and haven't had to ask for her help yet.  I like us having independent finances, but I opened an account to help her save money, for things like lil man's travel to his dads house and what not... and well after wiping it out for the last plane ticket, it has remained at 4 dollars for some time now.  We are getting ready to move out and be paying a ridiculous amount in rent again and there is no money saved.  I started out my unemployment with nearly 3 grand in savings... I have no insurance and have to stay medicated, so that's a serious expense, plus paying our storage fees so our shit doesn't get auctioned off, my phone bill, car payment, car insurance, etc (my student loans are on hold right now since i'm not working thank god)... well now I'm down to 600 bucks and that makes me nervous as fuck considering that I was pretty much guessing that I'd be the one putting down a deposit plus first months rent, plus the money for credit checks and shit...

The good news is that I accepted a job offer that starts on June 4th.  So at least I'll have "real" income again.  But I'll only getr 1.5 paychecks in June so I'm really trying to get her to see that I need her help and I need to believe that she's got my back and not going to just waste money all the time.  She's going to have to get lil man back from his dads which is always at least 700 bucks per trip plus all the expenses that we both have individually and then putting higher rent up there... well I'm stressed the fuck out. 

She says she wants me to help her with her finances and I already banned her from ebay (she's an addict for real)... she doesn't always tell me shit that I should know that will help both of us out.  I can't plan on rent getting paid (an amount that we can only afford together) and then find out that she decided she needed new shoes or new floormats for her new car or something and is short on her portion of rent or groceries, or electric, or whatever... I want to believe that she's in it like an adult but I'm not always sure.  Does it make me not love her, no...does it make me want to smother her in her sleep...absolutely.

All venting aside we found a lady in Washington DC that will file the paperwork for you to get the marriage license and everything else needed and then you show up and she'll marry you in either an informal ceremony or a fancy one.  Jen and I figure it will just be the two of us going to do do and she wants informal, but I want slightly informal with at least a ceremony.  She's been married before and had the white dress and bridesmaids and stuff, but I haven't.  This will be my first and hopefully only one... I want us to at least go through the motions of a real wedding.  I want us to wear simple dresses (not actual wedding dresses), have our hair and make up done, have a photographer capture the event since no one will be there to witness it really... and that kind of stuff, then stay the night in DC, get up the next day and sightsee and drive home.  It's only like 3 to 3.5 hours from here so it's not that big of a trek... but then again, i still have to research things like, if VA doesn't recognize the marriage then can Jen still legally change her name on her IDs and such... I don't know how all that works... We probably won't be able to file joint taxes either...still a lot of unknowns, but it's worth it... I mean I have to assume that one day, hopefully before I die, my marriage will be acknowledged as just that.

If I had unlimited funds, my dream wedding would involve renting a bed and breakfast in Vermont... having our guests (not too many) stay there and have the service on the grounds, pictures... dresses, a couple of bridesmaids, etc... cake... it's funny how much of a girl I am when I think about stuff like this... but I don't have unlimited funds and hell even a trip for just Jen and I to VT is out of the question... plus since she's already done this before, I understand her not being all into the "traditional shit"... a compromise it will be...eventually.  We havent picked a date, but know we are going to do it sometime this summer while lil man is at his dads and we can make the most of our trip to DC (not having to hear 'my legs hurt" or I'm bored and what not)...plus being able to have a legit dirty kinky honeymoon is definitely on both of our to do lists....

In other news I got a couple of tattoos... (part of my 3000 savings was dedicated to me being irresponsible and getting tattooed....) you only live once and well I didn't plan on being unemployed this long.  I now have a pinup that takes up my entire left upper arm, and even drops down below my elbow.  Shes a pretty woman with her back turned, sitting on a lotus flower, she has a peacock tattoo on her back that comes to life and the peacock feathers come off her skin and drop down over the lotus flower... I'll put up pictures when it's done healing.  It took 3 sessions (over 2 months time) to get her finished and shes beautiful... shes bright and colorful and just fabulous... I love my artist.  I also got a comemorative tattoo for my grandpa that past away last year.  It's a purple hippo (sometime I've wanted tattooed for a while bc i love hippos) with the outline of West VA, a handle bar moustache, a bottle of Crown Royal and an army beret... everything that reminds me of my grandpa, lol. 

Oh random note, my old boss is one of my employment references (you know the boss that I hated and made my life  a living hell)... he apparently gave me a stellar reference which surprised me.  He did tell me that he hopes I get a "me" working for me that tests my patience everyday like I did him, but he said that I'm intelligent and quite talented, suggested a couple of areas I should hone in on for improvement and said, picture the kind of boss you want to have and then be that kind of boss to your employees.  I was surprised to say the least... all I could think was where was this when we worked together asshole, lmao.  The job I start in June is my first "manager" position... I'll be running the site and I'm excited.  Hopefully I don't fuck it up.

Well I apologize for not blogging sooner (I'm sure you've noticed that I go through phases)...but I have to get a hot bath and get ready for Jen to get home :) She has a late night tonight and an early morning tomorrow, but I think we are going to sacrifice a little sleep for a lot of fun, lmao. 

More to come later...

Life continues

I feel like I need to throw up...I mean I have already tonight because of this headache I can't shake... I feel gross all the time, I eat things that I don't necessarily want and that don't even taste good... nothing tastes good really... I went through a chocolate phase, then a gummi bear phase, then a hot tamale phase, then a starburst jelly bean phase, and now well now I just eat whatever the fuck I see most of the time. 

Ugh. Gotta do something about that. But it's harder than normal.  I have no job to go to and keep me occupied or to give me purpose.  I'm at home the majority of the time, not really stir crazy, but just here.  Eh...

I had a big interview last week but don't think I got the position.  I got one of those generic you aren't being considered for the position emails from HR, but I don't know if it was for that position or another one with the same company but a different location...

This week brings another big interview.  This one will fly me to Pittsburgh, PA... land me in a rental to where I'll drive an hour or so to the hotel where I'll stay until my interview on Thursday morning in the next town over... then fly back from PA into Norfolk Thursday evening and carry on with life.

I'm scared.  It's funny...I have all these goals and dreams that involve relocation, but then I worry about shitting the bed.  What if I fuck up and get fired... obviously with relocation comes a lot of financial issues and if the company that hires me pays those... well there will be some type of promissory note that says if I quit or get fired before x amount of time that I owe the company money.

Plus, if that happened then I'd be in a new place with no family and no job... Obviously you can see that my mind is wandering and that I have way too much free time to think about these things.

Jen is rumored to be up for a promotion, which is phenomenal and I'm super proud of her... but with that would be a relocation for her... so what happens if I get a job in one state and she gets one in another.  I am going to go where there is work for me and I don't expect her to not take a promotion... I mean hello... I am all about personal growth ESPECIALLY when it comes to careers...but at the same time I'm not willing to be a stay at home mom while Jen works in a new place...fuck that.  I love her but I can't handle it.  I've been doing that now and it's tough.

Lil man is going through whatever he is going through and actually told me the other day that he wouldn't care if I left and that he actually wants me to leave.  Then he turns around later on and tells me he loves me and wants to know when we are going to do something as a family.  WTF?????? I don't know what's going on with this kid... I love him but I think he's trying to put me over the edge and well it's working. 

So needless to say there's a lot going on in Tommy world... tons on my mind bazillions of empty thoughts to say the least.  A lot of what ifs and what nots... a lot of times I don't know what to do other than get overwhelmed and take a nap.

I would love to end up in a state that has legal same sex marriage (VA isn't going to get there anytime soon) start a new life... tell lil man to get over it, but it's not about what he wants, it's about what his mom wants, lol.  He doesn't like me right now because I'm seen as the disciplinarian whose always on his case which translates into the wicked stepmother... hopefully he outgrows it, we used to have fun.

My first choice job is still up in there air because they supposedly want me but don't have an opening yet... Hell, after this interview maybe that will be my first choice job.  It's for a Supply Chain Planner position, so rather than working in a warehouse, I'd work in an office and deal with procurement from China, getting freight from their facility in Mexico... and tracking it, arranging everything from those points to the customer (retail stores)...

I dunno... lots going on here... but hey it will all play itself out in the way it's supposed to. My head still hurts and this computer screen isn't helping matters.  I just want to be happy in the long run, but what if I really have no concept of what that happiness is.... what if what if what if...

Current day demon possession

Maybe it’s something to do with him being 8 and a boy. Maybe he is possessed, but I have witnessed a change sweep over lil man and it’s not for the positive. He’s always been a momma’s boy and I’ve always felt like a 3rd wheel a large portion of the time. But this is absurd.


Lil man constantly back talks me and it’s like he does stuff just to piss me off. It used to be that when he was with my mom or aunt (they’d watch him after school while his mom and I worked) that he’d act a certain way (like an angel) and then when Jen and I would get home, he’d start showing his ass…get really whiny and basically do anything to get attention. You would think that no one spent time with him the way he would switch gears…

Well now hes just out of control with everyone. He back talks, thinks he has to have the last word in every situation. I’m now the one who gets him ready for school and off the bus during the week with the exception of a day or two. Well it was a situation for a while that he would do nothing but give me a hard time…like a crazy hard time.

It’s driving me crazy. We’ve switched to no tv during the week (he already had no videogames during the week)…hasn’t phased him…we take things from him to try and make him act like he’s supposed to, told him that we can reward his good behavior with something that’s fun (but inexpensive)… he gets excited but then the next day it’s the same thing.

Maybe its just me. Perhaps even though I’ve been around for over three years, maybe I’m just screwing up his “master plan.” Maybe I’m just bothered by the wrong stuff. Maybe I’m just “just” and we’ll insert whatever is appropriate into those quotes…

Last week he talked back to my mom and I’m surprised she didn’t lay his ass out right then… I wouldn’t have got away with that when I was a kid. I dunno, I don’t want to beat him by any means, but I’ve got to figure something out, I can only handle so much more before I really snap and say fuck it and raise money to send him to military school.

I’m sure Jen disagrees with me on the seriousness or something in general because we don’t always see eye to eye in these matters. I don’t know, I feel helpless. He came home today and has a science test tomorrow, no science notes in his possession…. I’ve been trying to get him to bring everything home FOREVER…so today, knowing that Jen was coming home early I just threw my hands up and said “fuck it” (the fuck it was in my head and not aloud, lol) but still I’m sooooo over it. I don’t know what to do, I don’t know how to fix it and I can’t continue to live like this forever.

This weekend I’m going to go help my sister with my niece because of babysitting issues. I’m going to take him with me and see if it’s just a change of scenery…. He didn’t used to act like this in the apartment… sure he had a few issues in school, but nothing at home. Now it’s no issues in school and shit at home. I don’t know whats changed other than where we live and the number of people in the house.



At the end of the day I’m baffled… lost, drained, I don’t know how to do this or what to do. It’s ridiculous. Somedays just the sound of his voice upsets me… the constant whiny sound… It can’t be like this forever. I’ve adjusted my meds, in case all of it was in my head but it’s not going away and it’s just getting worse.

UGH! I need to be rescued. We need an exorcism, ASAP.

A view from the other side--UNEMPLOYMENT

I’ve been officially unemployed now since end of day December 30, 2011—almost an entire month. You would think I would have had plenty of time to blog, but that hasn’t been the case. Not because I’m super busy by any means but because I have been spending my time applying for jobs and actually seeking work.


I had such huge plans for my unemployment. I was going to get up in the morning, put the kid on the bus, go for a 2 mile walk with Pepper, come back, shower, dress, and start my day…. RIIIGGGGHHHHT!! That walk has yet to happen and the whole shower, dress, and start my day is in reality is trumped by me crawling back in the bed, snuggling up where it’s warm… Pepper tucked in the fold of my legs zonked out… we get up maybe around 11 or 12 and decide what to do, lmao.

I’m getting a paycheck from unemployment and since I became credit card debt free a few months ago, I don’t have that to worry about. I don’t have student loans to worry about because I got my unemployment deferment approved (with no interest accruing –awesome). So in short my only responsibilities right now are car insurance, my car payment, and money to help out with the bills here. So who would be stressed under these conditions? Me. I’m not stressing money, I saved plenty while I was working ninety hours a week, so that’s not the issue. The issue is finding the motivation when you have nothing that you HAVE to do.

I no longer have a sense of purpose. I no longer have somewhere to be by seven o’clock every morning. So let’s just say I’m doing my best to work through that. My first week of being unemployed, I submitted 153 applications online to various companies for positions all around the country. I’ve since then had several phone screenings and am now just waiting. I have slowed myself down with the applications to prevent exhausting my resources. I report my “2” attempts at finding employment to the VEC (Virginia Employment Commission), write down my confirmation number for my weekly filing, and wait. On Friday after 5 up until Monday at 6 am I am required to report to the temp agency that I last worked for (for the tail end of employment pre-layoff) and say that I am available, so that should something that matches my skills and profile become available, I can start work. Pfft. I have had nothing but drama in dealing with this company.

On my last day of work, I called and spoke to the recruiter that was in charge of the “account” for which I worked. I explained to her what I was looking for, salary requirements, and that I was quite open to relocation (I’m actually aiming for it). The recruiter assured me that if I sent her my most up to date resume that she would forward it to the other temp agency offices that were located in bigger areas and were growing rapidly, since they might have more opportunities available. THE EMAIL NEVER WENT THROUGH… after a week of the email message being denied and my email being notified of this, I called the office. Said recruiter no longer worked there. She left for Atlanta, GA THAT VERY SAME DAY!!!! Why tell me that you would do something when you knew that once you clocked out, none of it would even fucking matter. In addition to that the other lady in the office has nothing but an attitude and it seems that her goal is to fuck me and anyone else out of their unemployment benefits, when in fact my unemployment is based on where I was laid off from, not them because it was the last place I worked. It’s not like she’s writing me a personal check to keep me afloat while I look for work. My previous coworker and I both have had issues with her.

But I digress. It’s just irritating. I did get some great news the other day though. After I didn’t get the “sure thing” job that I thought for sure I was getting I was DEVASTATED. I had been told that once you make it to the level of interviewing with the VP of Distribution, it was just a formality… but then I didn’t get the job??? I was being told that there was nothing but positive feedback so me not getting the job just didn’t make since to me or the headhunter that was doing such a great job lining things up.

But I did my best accepting it, EVEN though it was the one company that I felt was EVERYTHING I was looking for AND THEN SOME. Well on Monday I reapplied for the job on the headhunting website because it was still showing (which made no sense to me)… I received an email about 6 minutes later from the Director of said headhunting/recruiting firm. She told me that the recruiter I had worked with was no longer employed there (not sure of details), but she had an update about the company that I had spent so much time interviewing with. She said that she had contacted the head recruiter for the company and asked why if the final interview was just a formality and they were receiving nothing but positive feedback, well WHAT HAPPENED? His response is that it came down to an end of year issue…they wanted both me and the other guy (the one they picked) but only had room for one before year end. I’m not out of the running and if I can wait maybe 2 to 3 weeks, then he may have a position for me and I won’t have to reinterview… So sure, it’s more of a waiting game but trust me it is AWESOME nonetheless. To know that not all hope is lost on a company who I would love to work for and whose values and community involvement is tremendous… FREAKING FABULOUS.

For now, My goal is to get into a new routine. One that doesn’t involve so much sleep (which causes me to not sleep at night)… I dunno, I want to feel like I have a purpose and I need to take this time to take better care of myself. I’m going to do it and I’m going to get the job of my dreams.