Anniversary Weekend Picture Highlights (Day 1)

 

Getting ready in the morning, I was attacked by lil man and pepper...ha

We made it down to Salvo, NC (on Hatteras Island) Friday night about 8 or 9.... We unwound and got ready for bed...watched a couple of movies and just relaxed.  It was friggin' freezing.  Saturday morning we woke up, took our time getting ready and decided to take a trip to Ocracoke, NC (which requires a 40 min ferry ride) and what not... We were off... Jen, lil man, Mandi, the baby, and myself... I was excited.

I didn't realize that Jen had never been on a ferry ride and when I looked at her and gasped, "REALLY?!?!?" She was quick to remind me that they had no real need for ferries where she was from, since it was all mountains and all...Oh yeah...my bad... so this made me even more stoked to share with her and lil man.

 

 Jen was lookin' fierce as always...

 

These are lil cottages you can rent... they are on a little side street called Eagle Pass right before you get to the ferry to go to Ocracoke...they always make me smile :)

 

This one was lil man's favorite... I might have to check out renting one of these someday, when I have money of course.

 
 

On the ferry... lil man was loving it... Jen loved it too overall, but the waves made her head hurt after a while :(

 
 

I love this picture.  The weather was beautiful, mid 70s that day and just sunny and awesome... I was happy to see how both Jen and lil man really dug the ferry experience.

 
 

The fam, lol... I'm glad Mandi went too... she had a good time with us, but was also cool enough to play photographer so I have some pics with all three of us instead of all of them just one or the other

 
 

Really Jen?, lol

 

HEEEEEYYYYY!!!

 

He said he could see our house, and the zoo, and some giraffes, and a shark (I didn't have any quarters for him to see anything, but hey, at least we know his imagination works :)

 
 

The water from behind he ferry

 
 

Can we discuss the fact that Lil man is straight chillin' in this pic, ha

 
 

Tell me those two aren't having a blast...

 
 

Ferry ride back...

 

I love this picture

 
 

We've decided that these ladies are lesbians, for the simple fact that I think it'd be a cool lesbo job to have :) This was a ferry that was docking next to us while we were getting ready to go

 
 

Two guesses as to who had the time of his life :O)

 

It cracks Jen up to hear me say Chicamacomico (Chica- mah- com-eeh-co) 

 
 

I love this picture as well...damn I'm good, ha

 
 

Day one draws to a close...

We all ate at Howard's Pub on Ocracoke Island, I love their burgers, Jen fell in love with the fries... When we got back to the beach house, lil man decided that he wanted to stay with  my mom ... so Jen and I took the opportunity from some alone time and for our anniversary dinner we went to Lisa's Pizzaria (sounds classy huh)...I can't help it, Jen is now hooked on their Fried Broccoli... it was her pick :) It was a great day. We talked and held hands and laughed and smiled, and cuddled (though ended up having to sleep in separate beds because the old school mattress dumped her in the crack next to the wall everytime I moved (and I'm a tosser and turner)... ha, plus Pepper is a bed hog.

While we were in Ocracoke earlier in the day, I finally found the shop that I had been to years before that had a lil silver pelican charm that I wanted... Jen bought it for me which I thought was AWESOME... it was meant to be, me and that pelican... now I just have to get a chain.

Jen asked me what the deal with me and pelican was and I explained to her while we were sitting on the beach the following the day that I just love how they are graceful and elegant when in the air... but how when they land or attempt to catch a fish in the water are often the most uncoordinated, clumsy, hot mess you've ever seen... simply put--I can relate :)  She laughed and said she could understand how I saw the correlation :) hehe.

I'm so in love with this woman.  It's amazing to me how even when we stay at the beach with my mom, aunt, uncle, sister, and neice, plus four dogs, we can still manage to have a great time and feel at ease, and not want to leave at the end of the weekend.  I'm lucky to have had this getaway my whole life (it used to be grandma's and now it's my parents...) it's not fancy or elaborate, one story and two bedrooms, quaint... but its ours... and I'm lucky to have jen to share it with.  I love how she has fallen in love with the things that I myself have enjoyed for as long as I can remember... to think... before me, she had never even truly seen the ocean :) Now she's a beach bum addict like me :)

More photos to come.

Good news

I'M AN AUNT!!! Yay...after two days of the attempted inducing of my sister (to no avail)...the doctors took her off of the patosin? and at some point the baby's heart beat spiked...it was like this for about an hour and a half and they couldn't get it to go down so they opted for a C-Section....Both mom and baby are healthy, happy, and fabulous.

I have not physically laid eyes on my one and only niece, but Charley Danielle (Charley for my uncle who passed away ten years ago and Danielle for my grandfather...daniel) has a head full of hair, a pudgy round face with huge cheeks, lol and she weighed 8 1bs and is 19 in long... she was born last night at 9:00 pm.  I'm hoping to get off work early, since I've been working 10.5 hour days and getting to work ASS early...to go and meet my niece.  Kind of exciting...I'm not an aunt.  I wonder what she'll call me (when she can talk that is)...Aunt Tommy? Aunt T? Aunt Tom? Thomas?  I guess only time will tell...for now I'm just stoked she's finally friggin' here. My sister tried for years to get pregnant and her dream came true in the middle of a divorce, by accident :) And what a beautiful accident it turned out to be :)

In addition, I finally got to view my grades for the classes I just completed (you know, the last ones)...all A's... I did really well on the papers I procrastinated on and got a perfect score on one of my finals...I'm such a nerd :)  That brought my GPA up to a 3.5 which I can totally live with :)  Plus it will look decent on a resume along with my membership in Alpha Sigma Lambda, or whatever the Honor's society frat is....

Still working on the resume...getting there slowly...I just hope the position isn't filled while I'm trying to get my shit together and in fabulous HIRE ME form...

More training this morning and I must devise a way to curb the attendance issue we are experiencing here in the warehouse...I don't know what people's problems are... HEY BITCHES, CARRY YOUR ASS TO WORK...I have a hard enough time getting myself to work on time and EVERY fucking day...I can't come to ya'lls house, wake you up, fix you a bowl of cereal and comb your hair YOU ARE ALL MOTHER FUCKING ADULTS and I am NOT YOUR MOMMY!!!  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET FIRED, I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT...

Yeah right...I'd fire a 1/4 of my staff easily if it wasn't against policy, haha.  All because of excessive absenteeism and tardies...we have a points program in place but excuse the points with documentation, some folks abuse it and those folks are going on final warning today because of it... I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to make them successful when they don't want it for themselves.

Mom made me cry night before last. She called me randomly to say that she loved me and that she was really proud of me for finishing my degree. She said that she didn't care that it took me ten years to do it...she was impressed that I had stuck with it.  That was awesome.  I'm lucky to have such a fabulous family and loving supportive girlfriend.

I think back to the times when I was in Beauty School and didn't want to go in because I was tired and just wanted to sleep....my dad would knock on my door, open it, and immediately start singing, BEAUTY SCHOOL DROP OUT from Grease...he definitely helped me along in that area.  I couldn't handle the thought of quitting college and then also quitting beauty school too....ugh...I had to finish something at some point....and I did... unfortunately, I hate doing hair full time, but I keep up my license for shits and giggles.

Empty thoughts and things that make you go hmmm

1. Grandma's Mini Sandwich Cremes (vanilla) are one of my favorite things. They are the devil however in that I eat the whole bag from the vending machine at work which equals like 430 calories and well it goes best with a soda so add another 250 calories to that I'm already over half of the suggested number of calories a day, lol. 

2. Field Hockey and Cheerleader (2 HR people for the client company...) and I were eating lunch the other day in the break room.  The topic of flu shots came up and we were all debating on whether or not to get it or not (the company is paying)... Field hockey shared that the last time she had the flu she was so sick she was laid out on the floor and her boyfriend (now fiance) asked her if she was alright and she responded: "I'm one stomach flu away from my goal weight." Lol.  That was some funny shit.  That triggered Cheerleader who is at times neurotic about weight loss to ask if she lost any weight from it....Field hockey told her about 10 pounds, but it came back once she was able to keep food down again.... Cheerleader later joked (i think it was a joke) about she wanted to get the flu so I can lose some weight...I had to shake my head to that one.

I can't judge though...I'd like to find a tapeworm on the black market or eBay and start hard core on my weight loss ventures.  I promised myself I'd get serious about losing some weight after school finished and I had one less stressor in my life.... Looks like Monday is going to be a good day to start...Hip Hop Abs here I come, lol.

3. There's this cool ass supervisor I work with...he's ex-navy and way more warped than I could ever hope to be.  It's funny because we are often on the same perverse page when someone says something... He noticed my license plate a few weeks ago and it clicked (and or verified) that I am indeed a fan of the ladies... This opened up a whole new can of worms in the inappropriate shit for us to talk about at work category.  He's got a couple of kids, 11 and 14, and a wife.... I'm easy to talk to--he once confided in me that he was looking for a new job or considering one that he was offered...no biggie... well today, he told me that we need to pencil in a "technique" discussion...Hell it wasn't even 8 this morning I wasn't even fully awake so I was a little slow on the uptake...he meant Oral technique...lol.  He wants me to give him pointers on licking pussy, lol.  That made me laugh my ass off.  A grown man looking for pointers... but I'm not shy...I told him I wasn't willing to demonstrate nor would I draw him a diagram but I could make a few suggestions if he was interested, ha.

I told one of the guys at work (not one of my employees...i'm not that inappropriate) a technique to try a few days later he comes back with:

Him: Dude that thing you told me to do worked
Me: I told you...nice huh...
Him: Hell nah
Me: What are you talking about
Him: Now the bitch wont leave me alone...

Lol.

4. My chin hairs are back with a vengeance... is about that time... waxing, plucking--I've decided that if i let them get long enough I could just close them in a door and turn my head really fast... who am i kidding..>I cant handle these bristlely fuckers any longer...need to do the lip and brows done too...

5. If my sister hasn't gone into labor by Sunday night they are going to admit her...start softening random parts of her anatomy and induce Monday Morning...So I'll definitely be an Aunt by no later than Monday :)

6. I'm tempted to pay the $5 admission to the fair, just so I can go buy a funnel cake....mmmmmm funnel cake.

7. The sign in on the bathroom stall door reads: Please do not put sanitary napkins or heavily used toilet paper in the toilet that may cause a clog (this bothers me every single time I sit down to pee.)... not only is it not worded properly or grammatically, but come on...it should be changed to: HEY YOU DIRTY BITCH...WOULD YOU FLUSH THAT AT YOUR HOUSE AND RISK FUCKING UP THE PLUMBING AND SERIOUSLY IF YOUR ASS IS DIRTY ENOUGH TO REQUIRE HALF A BULK ROLL OF TOILET PAPER THEN BE COURTEOUS AND FLUSH IN BETWEEN WIPES.....

Management

8. For some reason the truck that I learned to drive and was my first vehicle (well that my dad let me use) was an 83 dodge pick up truck has been on my mind.  I Loved that tank/beast of a truck... the horn went off and periodically got stuck when making right hand turns and if you turned too sharply to the left, the passenger side door would fling open and dump your passenger out if they were not belted in.  My brother as a child was rolled out of the truck on five separate occasions, the dumbass still doesn't wear a seatbelt...once on a major highway he rolled out and my dad had to flag traffic to stop while my brother regained his composure  climbed back in the truck, a few times on some hunting paths, various places... oddly enough he never adopted a nickname like road rash or anything... hmmm

9. Long hair amuses me.  Not in the normal sense....but the fact that generally after a weekend of Jen being at my house or one visit from my sister I end up finding rogue long ass hairs in my ass crack and other inappropriate places...talk about a literal, "wild hair"

10. I was just handed a case that has 12 eleven oz. bags of "witches fingers" (aka crunchy cheetos) they are part of the halloween stuff that didn't get shipped out, they expire at the end of october and the distributer doesn't want them back....WOOHOO I heart carbs, lol (I'm going to give most of them away and store some for lil man as well

11. Today is payday and everything was fucked up.  I have three guys with the same last name, the chick who handles the payroll at the main office switched up two of them, so one got underpaid while the other got over paid, someone else's check got mailed (it was supposed to be here at the facility), and just a bunch of other stuff...really, is it time go yet?

12. I'm oddly amped and can't wait to go home and thoroughly clean and organize, I'm talking take curtains down and scrub kind of cleaning, hands and knees with a toothbrush on the bathroom floor kind of shit....oh yeah :)

Granted, I realize that due to paper size restrictions theirs may be more appropriate.

Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

If happiness were...

If happiness was an inanimate object it would be glitter for sure.  Sparkle-y and shiny and full of twinkles and hope.  Lol.  If I was on meds at this point I'd certainly go and get them readjusted... because I'm trippin balls I'm so happy.

I came to work this morning and finally caught up with the Assistant General Manager of the Distribution Center to see how he felt about me taking Friday off.  My boss can't cover because of the Company function (which was covered in a previous ranting blog)... so she told me to see what he thought about the matter.  He seems to believe that Friday's is going to entail a limited workforce (which translates into the bulk of the contractors not being here... and me twiddling my thumbs) so he thinks it will be fine.  I have to announce my planned absence at tomorrows morning meeting, leave a contact number (and take the phone list to call people out if necessary for monday from my personal cell...which hopefully won't happen because I don't want these people knowing my number)...and I'm in the clear for Friday.  HOORAY.

Granted things could change...but as of right now I'm content and planning on not being here on Friday.  Perhaps I will get my papers done on time (still haven't started them for anyone keeping record of my procrastination....) I did however pull up old files to see if I had an old business plan that could just be tweaked and resubmitted for this class...but I don't...

Happy Hump Day :) It's looking like a three day work week for me this week so ya'll know I'm stoked.  Oh and I'm about to go have Mexican on an "extended" lunch with "cheerleader" from work...because she's with the client i can justify and hour as opposed to half an hour because it's "biznazz" YAY...

Photo fun day

I'm in the mood for sharing random photos... I love taking pictures in general...doesn't matter what of--EVER.

 

This picture was taken from mom's front yard.  I love clouds and the open sky and sunsets :)

 

A dragonfly on the edge of my flower bed.... the flower bed has a border around it because it used to be a smoke house... It's about twelve inches deep with a concrete base... (it looked prettier than a random square in the yard) If I ever get the mums planted I'll post pics of the flower bed now...

 

I took this pic on one of my Hatteras Island getaway trips... The sports setting came in handy for this shot.

 

Purple Irises are MY FAVORITE... this one was in mom's flower bed...right after a rainstorm...

 

Me and my dad... mom just got word that he's off to Germany this weekend... he's been in Indiana getting additional training since he left at the beginning of August... after Germany... Kosovo for a year, bleck.

 

My last trip to Nashville was in '07.... I was trashed in this picture-- my friends and I hit up a couple gay bars, and some other bars along the way... I wanna say our first stop was Broadway brew or something... i just know it was a long night with lots of drinking... I need to venture out that way sometime soon... (maybe if I get a tax refund I'll take Jen...she'd love it)

 

This picture is from last summer... hehe.  I'm always changing my look.  This one of my louder ones, haha.  After my sister's graduation from Radford we went and got matching tattoos... plus I had another one added that day as well...and got my monroe pierced too...I took out the piercing for my warehouse gig though... two tatts and a piercing in one day was a lil much I might add, haha...

 

Yet another random look.  (I'm in the mood for a haircut but am trying not to, that's why I'm sharing some of my previous random looks, lol...) I want something different.... for this look I glued tracks (extensions) in the front of my hair and razor cut them for a real "emo" look, haha

 

Jen and I in the very beginning.  Lol.  She looks so different.  That was in like month one... she had super long hair, thick Brooke Shield's brows, and crazy long nails... If I recall we were at my brother's house for a bonfire after she got off of work...look at how shy she looked...

A more recent photo... 

That's all for today...I'm procrastinating.  I haven't started my papers yet and I have a meeting for school in a few minutes...I've gotta stop slacking...

Things that make you go hmmmm....

It feels like I pulled a muscle under my chin, how random is that.  I'd love to blog about how I was trying out this new acrobatic style tantric cunnilingus move that I learned from a traveling lesbian gypsy--but alas, that is not the case. It happened sometime while I was asleep.  How ridiculous is that.

I went to bed last night which was Thursday and was confident that I'd wake up and it would be Saturday morning so that I could sleep in... what a disappointment waking up was.  Nope, still Friday (normally a great day, but my 5 to 6 hours of actual sleep a night has finally caught up with me and I just want to sleep in some kind of terrible)... I got to work a few minutes late because I fell asleep while standing in a hot shower.  All was cool  until I woke myself up freaking out because of a dream where I was drowning...

Since I was already late I called security to see if anyone was waiting for me (they weren't thank goodness)...stopped at the gas station for some liquid crack (aka Mountain Dew--I tried drinking a lo carb monster yesterday and just couldn't, my taste buds rejected it)... I get here to work, grab my clip board and head out to the warehouse floor.  In the midst of my rounds I notice that a couple of my contractors are missing. (My contractors have two supervisors, me because I work for the staffing agency that employs them and their floor supervisor who works for the client, part of my job is to ensure that all of my people show up and/or are accounted for and that they perform to the expectations of the client...)

I hear my name being paged over the intercom followed by an extension to call--I call and discover the two missing people were now in the building but way late... I come to the front to coach them and see what the hell the deal is... they looked stoned out of their minds and the dude tells me that the reason he's late is "it's his birthday." Okay, happy birthday but you're still late and normal points apply... had you been here on time then you would have work, but since your late, your floor sup opted to not give you any work today... (he looked, real bent out of shape over it, NOT)... the girl, who rides with him was conveniently not feeling well but felt okay to come pick up her pay check.  Today is not the day for shit like this.  I don't have the patience.  I issued her double points because even though she showed up, its still like calling out on a friday (which are double points days) because she didn't even make an effort to work.  At five attendance points, people get fired. End of story.

So I've been a bitch already this morning...still trying to get caught up on my reports, print equipment badges for my new starts next week and get things lined up for Tuesday.  The great news is that they just made the announcement that they are leaning towards NOT working on Monday which is Labor Day... they were scheduled to at first, but they got caught up with the pick and are thinking its not necessary...but we will be scheduled for ten hour days for next week in order to avoid working next Saturday....

Peak season is kind of officially here...as much as it can be right now with the economy the way it is.  They are going to start picking Christmas product on Tuesday and start shipping to the stores....that's one downside to the warehouse industry (and even retail) you have to look at holiday product months before its even time to buy it...Halloween has already been shipped out, Christmas stuff is up to bat.

Friday's are supposed to be fun days as far as the daily meeting go.  Ugh.  Today was guess who one the Super Bowl every single year it was played. Oh yay, NOT.  I don't follow football or any sports really, I like watching some from time to time,but I just don't get into it.  Exes have been huge sports fanatics... mainly Football (the Giants or the Bills depending on who I was seeing at the time)... one was all about UFC, watched a few pay per views and always fell asleep before the main event... i just don't have an interest.  Jen is apparently a huge Bears fan (it's sad that I just text her prior to posting this to ensure that that is in fact the team she's been talking about...I had it right which made me feel good and like I do pay attention, but since she's from Colorado, my first thought was to say the Broncos)... College basketball, Pro ball as well... I try and share this interest with her but I'm not even good at faking it.... she'll watch the stuff on tv and I'll sigh deeply, roll my eyes, and just do homework instead.  What am I going to do with Regular season football fast approaching and school about to come to an end... maybe I'll take up knitting again instead...I dunno...just something about commentators and the sports thing in general that stresses me out.

I'd like to physically go to a hockey game since I've never been, but I dont want to watch it on TV.  I like baseball, but don't follow on TV, I love Softball, but I just wanna go watch real people play up close and personal, not watch via TV....I dunno...

The moral of the story is that I was totally ganged up on in the meeting today.  Out of five women in the room, and about 13 men, only three of us weren't football fans and could have given a shit...of those three, two of us are lesbos so a lot of the guys just assumed we were supposed to have an interest.  I'm sorry but when I was given my "lesbian card" it said nothing about having to like sports in order to keep it.  But then again, maybe I was too distracted by the shiny new toaster oven and swiss army knife that they gave me for "crossing over" HA.

Okay, I have work to do for real.  Have to be caught up and ready for the bosses return from the Gay World Series.

I'm special

I from time to time have to force myself to remember just how fabulous and special I am.  Today was one of those days where I made "fabulous happen."  I got off of work and headed to the nail salon...there is very little as wonderful as a pedicure (my last pedicure was in February--I maintain things the best I can in the shower to save money).  My feet hurt all the time these days...I'm still searching for the perfect pair of comfortable shoes to counteract the 1.7 million square feet of warehouse floor I walk daily... add my weight (which is my next project to work on... if I can survive the last couple of weeks of school) it equals aches and pains...

While my feet were soaking I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that in addition to the pedicure, I needed a manicure as well...Yes folks, My name is Tommy and today I have matching finger and toenails, lol.  It's so cute seeing my lil nubby nails painted (I'm a nail biter...but hello the short nails are a necessity for the "fun factor" in my life)...

I opted for a coral color (an OPI shade called something like Conga-line Coral or something)... totally out of character but dammit if felt good.  While my nails were drying I got cornered by an older woman who was like isn't your last name such and such....um, yeah... I thought I knew you she said.  Turns out she remembers me from church.  She then proceeded in asking about Gma and the family and this and that and invited me back to church.  Mind you I haven't been to this church in a LONG LONG LONG time. 

(side note:  This is a very uptight Southern Baptist Church.  I was one of the founders of their youth group, did the missions trips, the works...well in 1999 my mom's youngest brother, my uncle charley (who my sister's baby is to be named after) killed himself.  He had a history of psychological issues, he was paranoid schizophrenic, wrote a suicide note, hid it, robbed a cab at gunpoint and lead police on a high speed chase...it ultimately ended with him shooting himself...it was tragic and we all took it really hard, especially my mom.  He was only 4 years older than me and one of the coolest people in the world....(there is a point to all of this)  So we are sitting as a family in church one Sunday shortly following his death... I was already getting pissed at the people in the church because they'd give my mom a hard time for letting me paint my nails crazy color...(she'd always tell the blue haired old ladies to "bite her" saying that you know, it's not like she's doing crack)..and they figured I was going to burst into flames upon walking through the threshold of the church after getting my first tattoo... anyway... on this particular sunday the preacher stood in front of the congregation and announced that the churches thoughts and prayers were with my family, for our recent loss of Charley, (are you ready for it?) WHO IS NOW ROASTING IN HELL AFTER TAKING HIS OWN LIFE.

Um, are you fucking kidding me.  So needless to say the whole "gay" thing (which in their minds is just a phase that they pray I'll get bored with) I don't waste my time going there.  I have my own thoughts on religion and my own relationship with a higher power...I don't need to go to a physical church to have it. But I digress.  The moral of the story is I smiled and made conversation with the lady but I decided a long time ago that it didn't matter who the preacher was at the time, the congregation was still there and I can do something better than be judged on my damn day off, lol.  On a scale of 1 to 10 of the likelihood of me voluntarily ever attending that church again is like a -5.

The humorous part of my day was the fact that the refrigerator in my office died a few months ago.  I was tired of looking at this table top monstrosity so I loaded in my car to take to the dump after work and my pedicure.  In the process of getting it in the trunk I SCRATCHED MY FUCKING BUMPER.  Fuck. Then the damn trunk wouldn't close so I had to put it in the passenger seat.  Fucking a.

Well after my pedicure, the dude made me leave on those disposable flip flops they give you because I had come in with sneakers from work and they didn't want me to jack up my toenails.  So I Get to the dump and all dainty like (which just makes me laugh BECAUSE THIS IS SOOOOO NOT ME) I prance to the passenger side, carefully opening the door to not chip my nail polish, pick up the fridge, and carefully glide across the pavement with my pink faux flip flops trying to not drop a fridge on my freshly painted toes...I successfully put it in the correct disposal area and prance back to the car swaying uncharacteristically while swishing my hands about as if if the air touched them they'd smudge.

I mean damn, I know I'm special and all, but when the hell did I become such a fucking girl?

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

Oh happy Day

It's FINALLY Friday. Finishing up another busy day at work. I can't complain about the week overall--you see, I've never actually had this much shit to do so while I can't blog that often from work, (which I had cut down on drastically anyway) it makes the day go by faster. I've been training new contractors and certifying them on equipment and lots of coaching and development activities...good stuff.

My boss is going out of town Tuesday afternoon and will be gone for a week. She's not a bitch by any means, but it's still nice to have a little more "freedom" than normal, plus some additional responsibilities for me, to help her not fall too terribly behind. She is going out to Wisconsin or Minnesota...I dunno--wherever the Gay World Series is being held this year. Exciting.

I had training scheduled for this afternoon but the dude showed up wearing Adidas sandals, obviously oblivious to the fact that this is a WAREHOUSE...who the fuck wears sandals to a warehouse...so anyway, I rescheduled him and told him to wear "real" shoes come Monday...that meant I had more time to get caught up on little things in the office, like organizing the file cabinet and things that I'm anal about but have been able to ignore for a bit.

When I get out of here, I'm headed to Chesapeake to buy hair color. Every 5 to 6 weeks I do my boss's mom's hair. There was so much pressure the first time I did it and I just knew she hated it the first time I did it, that was months and months ago and she keeps calling...so I guess it wasn't the case. It took us a couple of attempts to concoct her perfect shade of red though--we started out a little too punk rock for her I think, lol. Then off to Smithfield, to do the actual hair. I'm hoping to have a few extra minutes before I'm scheduled to be at her house because my favorite thrift store is in Smithfield and I'll feel AWFUL if I don't get to go while I'm already out there. Its the DAV, meaning all the proceeds go to Disabled American Veterans which I'm all about supporting. I used to want to be in the military, but I get tired of rules all the damn time...and besides I want shit my way, not how I'm told they should or need to be, but I digress.

Whenever I finish there its back to the homestead to say hi to GMA, change clothes and out again to Chesapeake (a lot of driving going on today)...I'm going to go see a late movie at Jen's theatre. I'm thinking Final Destination... my friend J needs to get out and my sister and aunt may go as well.

Yesterday, J was issued a final warning at work (she works for the client company that I work onsite for)...when I saw her she looked like she had been crying, so I closed the door to an office that wasn't even mine to give her a minute to pull herself together. The drama with her ex and them not speaking is really breaking her heart right now. She was all to pieces. To top it off, she can't keep her "happy pills" in stock because the monthly cost is more than she can afford...she's still "young" and hasn't figured out the responsibility related to Finances yet (hell I went through it...I went bankrupt for my 21st birthday for pete's sake... but now I pay my bills and you'd never even know as far as my credit goes which is great...guess that means I'm a grown up)...anyway her bank account was in the negative again because of overdoing it for the ex... etc...after talking I said, "you'll feel better after a smoke..." SHE WAS OUT OF CIGARETTES...dude was killing me, lol. I made her come to my office on lunch and get my bank card (since I don't carry cash) and use it to go buy herself some cigarettes. She knows that the things she's dealing with right now she has to man up and handle on her own, but I just reassured her that I'd be an ear if she needed it. I try to not give her too much advice since I'm kind of brash and it comes across wrong often times. Today she was in better spirits and said she wanted a sugar mom, but not just a regular one, she wanted her to be old as shit, like "one who if she tried to do anything sexually would turn to dust she's so old"... I was like, what the hell do you have against older women dude... she was apparently kidding... I'd like to see her end up with someone she has stuff in common with...she doesn't need a sugar mom, she just needs to get her shit together, grow up and stop making excuses for things... she'll get there though I'm sure.

By the time the movie is over, Jen will already be at my house, lil man will be asleep and hell, she will too potentially... if so she's gonna get woke up... I see a little kinky fun in her future... of course that might just be a smudge on my crystal ball, lol. I'm going to take lil man to my aunt to watch him a few hours tomorrow morning so I can clean gma's part of the house and do some homework then we're gonna hang out and play legos... maybe i'll get him to help me wash my car or something... who knows...

Either way, I've got a lot of shit going on as always. I still havent started any of the papers I have due in two weeks. I need to tighten up. Fuck me. Happy Friday.

This is it, # 200

So I've officially hit my 200th post. Exciting right...I blew through the first one hundred, simply because I'm a blog addict--so no big tadoo for that one... but this, this I feel is notable. What does one right for such a fabulous milestone? Do I switch it up and blog about world peace, or my views on politics, or enlighten everyone with my thoughts on religion...Seriously? What do you take me for... I'm gonna keep it real and treat this as if it were any other blog, because in short...that's all it is.

Pepper is shedding all over the couch.

Grandma had her first Pasta bowl from Dominoes tonight and loved it. I'm trying to be more patient with her considering she really isn't trying to piss me off, it just so happens that the smallest things she does sets me off...sometimes just the sound of her voice makes me so angry...I can't even begin to explain why...

I think it's cute that my mom is taking lil man shopping tomorrow and on a "lunch date." She wanted to help Jen out with his school supplies and some of his back to school clothes...that's super cool in my opinion.

My friend (we'll call her J)...is in a world of drama right now. The poor thing has been in love with this girl for ages and the girl is nothing but toxin to her. She treats her like shit, uses the stuff they talk about against J later on. The girl, we'll refer to her as M, is older (27/28) and a lot meaner. She is an alcoholic and possibly bipolar. J, who is only 21/22, has low self esteem and feels like when they fight that no matter what, it's her fault. They were only an official couple for about a month, but J has Loved her everyday she has known her. M always says she loves J, but then always puts a disclaimer on things which indicates she doesn't really want to be with J at all, but likes having her around to keep her amused when no one else is. Most recently, J and M got a room... they hooked up and did their thing and M made plans with J for the following day, only to blow her off. The next day they hung out again and made plans for the day after, M blew J off AGAIN. No explanation, no acknowledgment or even owning up to the fact she had made plans...J asked M if she was fucking her best friend who is a dude....which in my opinion, J is a little insecure about a lot of things, but is confused as shit because M is always saying one thing and doing something completely different. M flipped out. Yelled at J, told her that she didn't want her in her life and to leave her alone. This really upset J...later on M texted J demanding that she look in her car, find the dvds she left and then drive them out to her (which was not a trip just right up the road....) J refused, but only because M said she wouldn't talk to her and the dvds werent actually in her car. The following day M text J and told her to meet her in town, buy her a 12 pack because J, "owed her that" and J DID!!!! There was a huge scene in the grocery store, more awful things were said, etc etc etc

The moral of the story is that J feels like it's her fault that M isn't speaking to her. J has admitted to me that she tolerates the fucked up shit that M does/says to her because at least she's in her life. It's a fucked up situation that I don't understand at all. She is miserable right now. I'm trying to get J to change her number and get rid of this girl all together, but she is stubborn and doesn't hear anything I say. I told her today that she is my friend and that I don't like seeing her miserable, that she deserves better, and there are plenty of fun fabulous women out there that she could give a try...but she's too busy being obsessed for a lack of better words with one that treats her like complete and total shit. I'm frustrated and told her that she is impossible to talk to when she is in the current mood she is in. I feel like it's pointless and I don't know what to do.

She told me that she understands how frustrating she must be and that she's a hypocrite because back in the day (last year) when I was with, (who she deemed Grandma Moses)... she would get irritated with me for bitching about Gma Moses and then going right back to hang out with her and here she is doing the same...I'm lost. I don't even want to talk to her at this point because she's the only one that can change her circumstances and she refuses to do it...I can't take it anymore... ya know. I don't know what to do.

I worked more today than I have in the past year at my job. I trained four people, had to fire one of the people I trained because their background came back dirty and they couldnt work for our client, which stinks cuz he was a cool guy. I did something that I thought was thinking outside the box and didn't consult my boss first, thinking it would show my initiative...it kind of bit me in the ass more than anything. I was all proud of the leg work I had done, especially after going for 9.5 hours nonstop.... I consulted with two managers, two sups, and moved one contractor who was struggling from one area where she'd be more successful and lined someone to start in her place effective tomorrow. My boss saw that as me potentially abusing the "system" she had spent the last two years putting into place out there. It's not something that I would do for every person struggling, and I wasn't playing favorites, but in my mind, my company supposedly prides itself on "finding the perfect fit"...she wasn't in the spot to make her successful and when I fixed it...I pretty much got my bubble busted... dammit.

Frustrating. I'm behind at work but I'm glad to have all this work to keep me busy and make my day fly by.

My hair is growing out nicely...it's nice to have hair again. I colored it and put some highlights in the front again...I was tired of that mousy brown natural shit. I gave jen some copper highlights to go with her root touch up as well...she looks fierce as always :)

I should be doing homework but I'm not. Just a few more weeks to go and I'll be done with school. I want to look into Master's programs just so I don't have to pay back those pesky loans...but I need a break. At least a few months...maybe I'll start on an MBA in biznazz sometime in January...who knows.

I want chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

A hot fudge sundae would be marvelous right now.

Pepper has some ferocious gas...I just threw up in my mouth a little...I wish grandma would stop feeding her shit from the table...

I painted a picture for my mom for mothers day. She gave it back to me and actually asked me change something that was bothering her...jeezus, I thought I was anal. I'm going to keep the original and paint her another one...insane...and i'm not exactly going to rush to do it either....

I have a crucial inner ear itch.

Miserable Monday #2?

So I had a brilliant idea last night that involved fasting for three days and then kicking off a new ultimate healthy lifestyle of fruits and vegetables after the three day mark. I woke up this morning and was going to attempt it...

Three hours into my work day I was fighting serious hunger pains and thinking I would die for sure.... at lunch time I went to Subway... lol... who the fuck was I kidding, I so can't NOT eat.

Today was a bad day in general. I just feel icky. I would like to take a coat hanger and remove my ovaries/uterus...the shit is defective anyway and I'm not using it for anything productive...so why have it? I woke up feeling sick to my stomach after not sleeping well. I had a headache but made myself get up and go to work instead. I made my first lap around the warehouse and was pouring with sweat....the fever I was rocking certainly helped that along... my boss was like whoa... you don't look good... I kept working anyway...

The headache got worse...subsided for a minute but then came back with a vengeance... ugh. Fucking migraines... I got home with the headache even worse.... my uncle was in the driveway and wanted to talk, I essentially told him as politely as I could manage to shut the hell up I need to vomit...hey, I wasn't lying. I told grandma the same...she mumbled something about my flow? or some 1850s hip slang referring to God's warped sense of humor, aka a PERIOD... wtf?

I got sick, curled up in my dark bedroom with Pepper... Chino joined us after a few minutes and I was out. Woke up, tried to grab a sandwich before my class meeting...only to get sick again... what the hell is going on. I feel like shit. My head STILL hurts. and I get this stabbing pain in the dome piece that makes me dry heave... I don't get it. But I need to blog...since I'm addicted and all... so it is what it is.

Moral of the story is... my mom, aunt, and preggo sister have opted to do Weight Watchers and count their points... I have to dig all the info out so that I can start...for now I'm not real concerned since by definition I'm bulemic today... ugh.

Why did my vacation have to end... and why didn't I get a say in this whole fucking uterus situation. Fuck me in the ass sideways... (not really).

To my secret stalker out there

So Jen's ex has been harassing her. The best I can figure is that she is miserable in her life and regretting fucking things up with Jen when she had the opportunity to be with her and all that jazz and now that she's miserable...and is trying to bring Jen down to her level.

I normally don't respond, comment, or acknowledge such foolishness but I really do have to ask, WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Apparently Jen's Ex has been reading my blog and pulling details from it to use against Jen... Jen and I talk about everything so I've known about the majority of times that the ex has contacted Jen, or Jen reached out because they were still connected because of a "financial matter" or whatever.... it didn't matter. I don't delegate to Jen who she can and can't talk to. If she wanted to be friends with her ex, hey more power to her...I'm not going to tell the person I love how to live her life because then she wouldn't be able to be herself...she'd just be living her life according to my orders...and I don't play that game. So from the dawn of time...aka We'll say October ish of last year I've known about the existence of the ex. Again...it never bothered me because this chick is like three thousand miles away. But, I do feel the need to finally vent about it if this girl...I won't even say woman because her maturity level doesn't warrant it...decides to start trashing my girl on every social networking site she is a member of. I'm not even venting because of what she's saying because it's irrelevant... I'm more concerned at the fact that she would use my thoughts or words and twist them to try and verbally stab the woman I love.

I will say a few words on this matter and be done...it's not my fight....but they need to be said. I'm a firm believer in no response is the best response...but in this situation YOU need to be schooled (you know who you are...):

1. First of all stop stalking Jen through my blog and stop "stalking" me. You don't know me...so when you text or email Jen and say hateful things, the following phrases are not suitable....

-Tommy only dates you because....
-Tommy is lying to you just like I did
-Tommy...

Bitch, this isn't my fight...you don't know me, we don't hang out on the weekends...you don't know what I'm thinking or anything for that matter....You aren't woman enough to be in my life...so stop trying to act like you know anything

2. There has been many a time I considered picking up the phone and set your ass straight (no pun intended)...but out of respect for Jen and her wishes I left it alone. You've spent almost an entire year now trying to bring Jen down to your level because you are miserable and regretting the decisions you made. Wise up. No one is living your life for you. You made your bed, you get to sleep in it--I hear down comforters are nice....

You cheated on Jen and never could come to terms with the fact that you had lesbian tendencies...i say tendencies since you professed your love to Jen on the regular and were busy fucking a dude in the process. Even after you got knocked up, Jen allowed you to stay in her life and even helped you take care of your son....hell...she saved your life and the life of your baby before you even actually gave birth...She's a better person that me....I'll leave it at that. I wouldn't have pissed on your if you were on fire.

Here you are now with baby number two...congratulations would be in order for most people, but you are up to your same old games. Married and lying to your husband while you try and get Jen to profess her undying love to you so that you won't feel guilty for how you did her "dirty." It's just a matter of time until your husband finds out the truth about you. It won't come from me because it's not my place, but my dear, KARMA IS A BITCH...

3. Jen is a lot stronger than I think you realize. You sucked the life out of her and injected her with your venom for long enough. She wised up and ditched you...made a new start for herself and for her son and her life in general....Sorry about your luck, but you aren't part of that equation. Fuck off.

4. I encourage you to read my blog as often as you like. Start from the beginning if you like. If it's in my blog, it's not exactly a secret....but in the long run, it's just going to make you that much more miserable...because its just going to reiterate the fact that Jen is happy, I'm a fabulous person, and you're a damn dirty dumpster cunt...oh my bad... i mean, sucks to be you. Bookmark my page while you're at it...it will save you time in the long run.

5. Jen has not once been referred to as anything less than my girlfriend. I have never kept her closeted to my family or my friends....I guess that works out for the both of us since I don't pretend to be something I'm not. She doesn't have to be anyone but herself and DAMN....SHE'S GOOD AT IT.

6. It must eat you alive inside to see how happy we look in pictures together....and stab a little bit deeper to know that lil man never even mentions your name...He doesn't think about EVER... oh wait...maybe I'm getting a lil mean...

Bitch you don't know how mean I can get. But as I said before, this is the one time I'm speaking on this subject....after tonight...you will once again be dead to me, nonexistent, a waste of good air.

7. It probably makes your cringe to know that I'm the one holding her at night...and curling up in between her legs and touching her in places you are bound to miss....I get to taste her kiss and feel her touch, while you are there...across the country laying next to a man that you don't even love.

8. Wise up. Get a life. Spend your time focusing on those two kids of yours and stop meddling in mine. I don't have the time to be dealing with you or the negativity you bring into the equation. You are toxic. Jen has moved on. And newsflash...even if she wasn't with me, she STILL WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU. You fucked up...face the facts and live with the consequences...you did this to yourself...nobody did it for you.

I'm finished. I'm going to get back to my beach vacation with a wonderful woman... We are having a few beers, gonna watch a movie and let's just say that some good ol' fashioned dirty kinky drunk sex is on the agenda. Hope you're having a great night over there in California...How's the weather? Oh wait, I forgot, I don't give a shit.

Just so we are on the same page, don't forget that you don't know me, if you were on fire I wouldn't spit on you, and I saw you on the street, I'd probably cunt punt you out of principle.

OH WAIT....

9. I'm not using Jen for free movie passes...I have a job and her theatre just so happens to fall in my budget, $4 matinee and six bucks any other time....I can dig in the fucking couch cushions if I need to see a movie that bad. You are so clueless. Maybe when you are older, it will all make sense to you.

10. I just recently watched this movie called Love and Suicide. It was about two teenage girls that fall in love with each other but end up breaking up because one of the two girls couldn't come to terms with the fact she was gay and didn't have the balls to tell her family....I don't want to ruin the ending...but seriously...it's a little low budget, but you might want to check it out. That goes for anyone...for the record.

Weekend Recap

Jen and I...me, looking all crazy eyed, ha

I had all of my homework done by Friday at 11 o'clock...which is rather impressive since I'm such a procrastinator.

Saturday I was going to sleep in. Grandma had other plans for me however. She called me at 8:06 am (I had planned to sleep until about 10) and said she needed help getting her stockings on and then tried to act like I had said that I said that I was going to get up early to start cleaning (NO...actually she has selective hearing and just likes to piss me off)...So I go downstairs, put her stockings and shoes on for her and think to myself...still plenty of time to go back to bed. Nope. Gma had other plans for me (I did something to piss her off apparently because she was just being spiteful at this point.) She said she had some mail that just HAD to be mailed, but no not from our mailbox, it had to be dropped in town at the post office....and then she says...and while you are out you can get us breakfast from Dairy Queen. I'm livid by this point and no sausage biscuit is going to cure that.

I get back home, eat with her and go back to bed (officially behind schedule now, but in desperate need of sleep still). I wake up and get started on the cleaning of the downstairs (grandmas part of the house and our shared area)...it had to be presentable for the baby shower the following day. A job that would have taken me three hours tops took me five because grandma kept holding me up, stopping me to ask me dumb shit or trying to fry eggplant in the kitchen right as I was at the point to do that area....FOR FUCKS SAKE LADY.

I finally finish...Lil man is with me by this point so that Jen could go to work. I get in the shower and agree to take him to see GI Joe...a movie I had no interest in seeing but he wanted to see it and I just wanted to be out of the house. Fifteen minutes before the end of what turned out to be a pretty bad ass movie, lil man decides he's ready to go home. It's not transformers, or animated so his attention span has held out as long as it could...we bounce.

Off to Wally-world for groceries...Finally back home at ten. By this point I'm still frazzled because my part of the house, the upstairs has still yet to be cleaned. Ugh. I'm frustrated and just want to scream. I put lil man in the shower, but am way behind schedule as it is...I was supposed to have him bed earlier than he got in it and feed him better than fast food...neither of which I succeeded at...my bad. Jen gets there and helps me set up lil man's bed the rest of the way as I vent and freak out over virtually nothing and everything all at the same time. She's looking at me like, whoa....

Sunday morning I voluntarily got up way before the alarm and went downstairs to wrap all of the packages for the shower. I am in the middle of cleaning upstairs when Jen asks me to cut lil man's hair...she mentioned she was willing to take him into town to get it done, but I told her there was no need since Im technically a pro (technically being the fact that I have my license but just hate doing hair fulltime) and have scissors right in the closet. He gets in the shower afterwards and I make Jen sit down for her haircut...she was getting pretty bushy...so I trimmed her up (her head hair not the other, lol)...

Finally, people start arriving and I'm still cleaning. Not guests mind you, just people that are helping mom set up...Jen helps me finish everything up, I get in the shower and try to get myself ready. My sister shows up--she wanted me to do her make up and hair for this shin dig...so that held me up some more...then my mom's friend asks me to wax her and her daughters eyebrows after the shower.....OKAY MAYBE ONE MORE PERSON CAN ASK ME TO DO SOMETHING THAT I REALLY JUST DONT WANNA DO....My sister's baby daddy comes up the stairs and I hear mention of him needing a haircut....FUCK ME IN THE ASS SIDEWAYS

Jen mentions I need to be able to say no and I understand that... I mean it's great in theory but it's just easier to do and bitch about than deal with the guilt trips that come along.

The shower was successful...my paintings and the note I wrote on the back of one of them to my unborn niece Charlie made her cry....then when read aloud made a lot of people's eyes water.

For today...I'm tired, my head hurts and it's a typical Monday. I brought a lean cuisine to eat at lunch but have been debating like four feet of sub instead I'M EFFING HUNGRY....I need to get back to really giving a shit and making an effort as far as diet and exercise go, but for now stress, school, family, and work are easier excuses and/or cop outs as to not having to exercise...i'm just getting fatter....blah

I've decided I'm not going to walk in the commencement services following me completely the classes. I'm going to borrow my sister's cap and gown and pose for fake pictures instead....FUCK IT. just mail me the diploma/degree and call it a day...I'm done. Fucking burned out.

On the plus side, I'm leaving with Jen and lil man on Wednesday night to go down to Hatteras for a few days...I just have to make it through wednesday I just have to make it through wednesday.....AHAHAAHAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

Caution: Unedited Rant

I'm screaming on the inside today. I'm fucking fed up. I'm tired and irritated and just pissed off in general. I'm tired of being on repeat all day at work because nobody fucking listens.

I'm tired of having a job that is not hard at all be so difficult...does that make sense? I'm tired of being a "partner" to the supervisors/management here and seeing nothing but a lack of partnership.

This whole fucking place right now is a contradiction. I'm apparently bat shit crazy.

I want to scream aloud, yell, kick, punch, push, throw...I want to be destructive and break something....I'm like two steps away from turning green and Incredible Hulking it.


I'm irrational and just fucking done. I'm so fucking tired of the level of ignorance I have to deal with on a daily basis. My boss is the "bitchy one" and I'm the "nice, but straight forward" one...that's about to change...there's about to be two bitchy ones because the fuckers just aren't getting it.

I can't even tell up from down right now I'm so infuriated. It makes no fucking sense. Most of the time I'm fine, but today I just can't effing handle it anymore. I refuse. If I walk out on the floor one more time and have to deal with the same fucking bullshit I'm going to snap...not even kidding.

I just called my boss to fill her in on some details pertaining to an email that was sent earlier and told her flat out...I don't even want to be here right now. I want to go out, stand on a stack of pallets and just scream FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNTS.

Who gives a shit anymore if you don't hit your number...I'm tired of you not holding yourself accountable, I can't come out here and fucking hold your hand for you... And if I hear..."Well you don't know what its like out here" one for fucking time I'm going to lose it...

YES I DO...I'VE WORKED IN WAREHOUSES BEFORE...do you think they just gave me this job because they liked my haircut at the time...NO YOU BASTARD....I've worked in the heat, I've unloaded trucks, I've loaded them, I've shipped them, forecasted loads, handled damaged goods and HAZMAT material and their documents....and you know what...I HIT MY FUCKING NUMBERS TOO!!!!

(Deep breath out)...I was bitching to Field Hockey...she used to work for my company before getting laid off and then hired by the client company....I mentioned that I was at the point of going and buying a pack of smokes and just calling it a day...she made a suggestion that I hadn't even considered....BEER!!!! Duh...why didn't I think of that. I prefer the taste of beer to cigs, beer wont make me smell like smoke or leave that taste in my mouth that lingers forever....

Beer would be oh so fabulous right now...except I'm pretty sure the beer i have is skunky by this point....It's leftover from my birthday weekend at the end of May...I can't believe I don't really drink that often.... For now....those McSkinnys (you know the lil skinny mich ultras--water with a splash of hops), skunky or not....ARE CALLING MY NAME!!!

My boss told me that I can leave early if I want, but Now i have to make sure that people from a particular department know they don't have work tomorrow and their floor supervisor isn't reliable as far as telling them goes....so might as well just chill out.

Older women

Jen asks me pretty frequently...what's your deal with older women, lol. I can't explain why but I've always been attracted to them...and to be honest I can count on 1 or 2 fingers how many women I've been with that were my age or younger.

She asked me again on Sunday, but I don't remember the conversation...just that it was relevant so I smiled, laughed, and shrugged...I've been giving it some thought and still I'm struggling to put it into words.

My definition of "older women" sometimes is just as simple as being older than me... sometimes the age range creates a huge age gap per se.

In my most recent life there is Jen who is 31... a mere 3 years to my 28.

The "x" before her was 41 to my 27.... a 14 year difference. In this case age worked against us but not in the normal sense--more in the I was the adult and she was the "kid"...she stayed high all the time and only talked about Football, Video Games, or stories from her past that related to some guy she had fucked or what she had done when she was high this one time...or whatever...I was the one trying to have serious conversations...which never worked...besides I wanted to be high too, but couldn't because of my job. She was a wake and bake kind of girl...and if she didn't have pot she was a terror to be around....not cool...

The "x" before her was about six years older than me maybe...I don't remember exactly. My only other "true" long term gig, besides Jen... and that one can't even really only count so much because we were so on again off again in our ways. She had her life on a very serious path, wanted us to have joint checking accounts by this point and her and her towels by that point... I'm anti joint checking account among other things...and my thought on marriage is that I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to prove my commitment to someone. No offense to those that are married and honestly more power to you, it just doesn't suit me at this point in my life.

Rewind a bit further and I find myself recalling my first time. Let me clarify that--first time with a woman. I was always a "good kid," never gave a second thought to not being interested in boys when I was in high school...had something slipped into my drink at a frat party and recall being awake but unable to move or cry out as I was raped and then somehow managed to find my dorm as the sun came up. I didn't tell anyone until years later and because of it went through a phase in my life where I assumed the fact that I never felt a connection with a man was my fault and that the only way a man was going to like me was if I slept with them. I "skanked" out for a while... this turned out to be low self esteem and having internalized all the rage and confusion I had experienced from the rape itself.

In a short time period I had experienced my uncle (who was four years older than me at the time and one of my best friends) committing suicide, finding out my dad wasn't my real dad, a rape (which was also my first time ever having sex), and losing my best friend of 13 years to a misunderstanding)... all in a years time. So right before I graduated high school through the middle of my freshman year of college....it's a lot to digest.

I had been sent to therapy after withdrawing myself from college due to serious depression and the world catching up with me essentially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies...a label that would take me years to escape. (but was later diagnosed as a hormone imbalance that causes serious mood swings)...go figure

It wasn't until I admitted to my mom that all the problems I was having that my parents had assumed had to do with me finding out my dad wasn't my real dad was actually a combination of a lot of things, the rape being the breaking point.

That's when it dawned on me. The church wasn't necessarily right in everything it had been teaching me. I was no longer the founder of my youth group that was saving herself for marriage... I accepted that my lack of connection with men wasn't my fault or a bad thing I was going to hell for.... I was not attracted to them in that way. Period. I didn't stop believing in a higher power, but I stopped living my life according to the church's interpretation of how my life should be lived.

This revelation changed my life. I met this woman... Her name was Wendy. I couldn't tell you her last name if you paid me...that part of the memory didn't stick. I remember hanging out with her a couple of times and then going to her house. I was so nervous but I was sooo attracted to her. She made me tingle in places that no one else had.... I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch... she was polite, knew it was my first time and wasn't rushing me. I recall thinking I was so smooth as I jumped at every opportunity to slide closer to her, the cold leather under my legs.

She eventually took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. She didn't take my clothes off immediately...she let the anticipation build.... she tasted like Marlboros and a hot summer day...I took her shirt off and exposed the most perfect breasts I had ever seen at this point in my life. They were fuller than mine and I just wanted to touch them...curl up with them, take them home and have them forever....

The sex was incredible and it all became official... no wonder everything with men felt so forced... I'M A LESBIAN I thought....oh my god, what are my friends going to think...what, when, how, huh? Panic. Gasp.

She was 31 to my 19...perhaps my attraction to older women began there. We only hung out for a couple of weeks after that... it turns out that we had nothing but sex in common. She was an ex-con with a drinking and drug problem...she did nothing in moderation and was out of control. When I walked in to find her hitting her crack pipe...that's all she wrote. I didn't have time for that... but I was still grateful to her for helping me find my way.

I think the attraction to older women also relates to me not having to be the teacher. I've trained people in every aspect of my career thus far and I don't want to have to do it in the bedroom.... no that can't be it because I've still been the teacher to some....

I really don't know. My grandmother once hinted around to the reason I'm gay is that I was raped and have a fear of men. No, that isn't the case. I love men...as friends, as drinking buddies, to help me move heavy furniture....I don't want to fuck them or make love to them however. I had considered this possibility as well...but know that it's bigger than that.

Women are softer, prettier, curvier, have gentler touches--but can be rough when the time is right....they smell good, and dammit among other things they make me wetter than I ever knew was even possible... but I'll leave that alone as to not embarrass Jen, lol.

With most women there is no sense of "masculinity" or ego that has to be stroked (no pun intended)... for those lesbians that opt for toys or strap ons you know what I mean. Sure, you could get penetration from a guy, but it's not the same... unlike when a man is behind it--a woman pays attention to what feels good, focuses more on the feel good spots, and pays attention to her partners wants or needs.... I won't say all the time...but a lot of the time, in my experience Men spend too much time focusing on what feels good to them, "how macho he can be" and all that shit... I don't have the time...

I can feel good with minimal equipment--alone or with a beautiful woman by my side or below my belly button helping me out. I guess for now my interest in "older women" remains a mystery.