Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

Sneaky surprises

I kept telling Jen that I wasn't able to stay on Thursday night, despite taking Friday off because Gma had concerns about taking care of Pepper all Thursday and Friday too... She got off of work Thursday night after I had been at her place helping her with lil man and had a few surprises...

I had rearranged her room to unblock the chi and to see her reaction honestly (she loved it, though it's not completely organized yet because I didn't want to dig through all her shit...she'll need to know where everything is.)

A few other things were up my sleeve as well....You see I had arranged for my mom to watch Pepper so that Gma would fret and piss my mom off by calling her with some made up story about Pepper getting into something she shouldn't or whatever...I took Pepper to mom's house on Wednesday night.  I packed my bag, put it in the trumk.  After work Thursday I headed to Jens, according to plan.  I did all my "good deeds" while she was at work and when she got home, she was expecting me to go--but I didn't.  I stayed at her place for the first time in MONTHS...I'd stay more but her roommate won't allow pets and I can't leave Pepper for that long.  I was so stealthy in my mind...I even blogged prior to talking about how I'd be unable to stay.

It was a nice surprise I'd say and I always sleep so good in her bed next to her.  Three great things...A beautiful woman, a mattress constructed from sheer ecstasy, and being relaxed after some dirty kinky fun (funny how i say that even with it's the more soft sensual sex stuff, ha)...

I got up on Friday earlier than planned because lil man came in the bedroom and was like, Tommy Tommy, Wanna see my bus...he was stoked so I couldn't refuse.  I had a bowl of Trix while I waited...had my retinas burned out when I opened the door to see him get on the bus...I got a kick out of the fact that he needed to poop two seconds before the bus got there.  He was quick and I got ass wiping duty while Jen waited at the door in case the bus got there before he was done....pants up and out the door just in time...I couldn't help but laugh.

Off I went to work on my paper.  I'm proud to announce that after 14 hours of work I completed my pseudo-masterpiece: The GLBT Workplace: Discrimination, Domestic Partnership Benefits, and Diversity Awareness on the Job was complete.  There were a few hours spent taking a break and stretching my ass which had become quite tired of sitting.  Saturday brought another 14 hour paper writing spree.  This time a business plan for my fake business called Different Strokes, Inc.--a Diversity Awareness Consulting Firm...
That one I'll be happy to get a C on...I'm burned out.  Jen did help me out a great deal when I couldn't figure something out in Excel to save my life and she comes over and is all like...oh just do it this way...wow, wish I would have just asked you like an hour ago so I wouldnt have spent so much time trying to figure shit out.

Sunday, was another three and half hours spent doing the rest of my homework that was due by midnight.  Then I weeded the flowerbed (a project I had hoped to complete a week earlier)--it was actually refreshing.  I borrowed some gloves from mom so I didnt have to worry so much about touching spiders directly...no snakes, THANK GOD, and only one gigantic spider (like the one that tried to eat me that day, Don't touch me) so, the mums are now planted.  Yay.

A trip to moms to find Mandi had drank half a bottle of Castor Oil in an attempt to induce labor...weird.  Grandma put me over the edge, but I was still polite.  I feel like i haven't had a single day off despite it being the weekend.  I just have to make it through this last week of Finals and I'm done...then I can sleep and sleep and sleep....dammit...i was going to go to bed early...i'm exhausted.  It's 11:30 already, still have to walk the dog and then get up at 5:30 FUCK ME.