Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

Older women

Jen asks me pretty frequently...what's your deal with older women, lol. I can't explain why but I've always been attracted to them...and to be honest I can count on 1 or 2 fingers how many women I've been with that were my age or younger.

She asked me again on Sunday, but I don't remember the conversation...just that it was relevant so I smiled, laughed, and shrugged...I've been giving it some thought and still I'm struggling to put it into words.

My definition of "older women" sometimes is just as simple as being older than me... sometimes the age range creates a huge age gap per se.

In my most recent life there is Jen who is 31... a mere 3 years to my 28.

The "x" before her was 41 to my 27.... a 14 year difference. In this case age worked against us but not in the normal sense--more in the I was the adult and she was the "kid"...she stayed high all the time and only talked about Football, Video Games, or stories from her past that related to some guy she had fucked or what she had done when she was high this one time...or whatever...I was the one trying to have serious conversations...which never worked...besides I wanted to be high too, but couldn't because of my job. She was a wake and bake kind of girl...and if she didn't have pot she was a terror to be around....not cool...

The "x" before her was about six years older than me maybe...I don't remember exactly. My only other "true" long term gig, besides Jen... and that one can't even really only count so much because we were so on again off again in our ways. She had her life on a very serious path, wanted us to have joint checking accounts by this point and her and her towels by that point... I'm anti joint checking account among other things...and my thought on marriage is that I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to prove my commitment to someone. No offense to those that are married and honestly more power to you, it just doesn't suit me at this point in my life.

Rewind a bit further and I find myself recalling my first time. Let me clarify that--first time with a woman. I was always a "good kid," never gave a second thought to not being interested in boys when I was in high school...had something slipped into my drink at a frat party and recall being awake but unable to move or cry out as I was raped and then somehow managed to find my dorm as the sun came up. I didn't tell anyone until years later and because of it went through a phase in my life where I assumed the fact that I never felt a connection with a man was my fault and that the only way a man was going to like me was if I slept with them. I "skanked" out for a while... this turned out to be low self esteem and having internalized all the rage and confusion I had experienced from the rape itself.

In a short time period I had experienced my uncle (who was four years older than me at the time and one of my best friends) committing suicide, finding out my dad wasn't my real dad, a rape (which was also my first time ever having sex), and losing my best friend of 13 years to a misunderstanding)... all in a years time. So right before I graduated high school through the middle of my freshman year of college....it's a lot to digest.

I had been sent to therapy after withdrawing myself from college due to serious depression and the world catching up with me essentially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies...a label that would take me years to escape. (but was later diagnosed as a hormone imbalance that causes serious mood swings)...go figure

It wasn't until I admitted to my mom that all the problems I was having that my parents had assumed had to do with me finding out my dad wasn't my real dad was actually a combination of a lot of things, the rape being the breaking point.

That's when it dawned on me. The church wasn't necessarily right in everything it had been teaching me. I was no longer the founder of my youth group that was saving herself for marriage... I accepted that my lack of connection with men wasn't my fault or a bad thing I was going to hell for.... I was not attracted to them in that way. Period. I didn't stop believing in a higher power, but I stopped living my life according to the church's interpretation of how my life should be lived.

This revelation changed my life. I met this woman... Her name was Wendy. I couldn't tell you her last name if you paid me...that part of the memory didn't stick. I remember hanging out with her a couple of times and then going to her house. I was so nervous but I was sooo attracted to her. She made me tingle in places that no one else had.... I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch... she was polite, knew it was my first time and wasn't rushing me. I recall thinking I was so smooth as I jumped at every opportunity to slide closer to her, the cold leather under my legs.

She eventually took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. She didn't take my clothes off immediately...she let the anticipation build.... she tasted like Marlboros and a hot summer day...I took her shirt off and exposed the most perfect breasts I had ever seen at this point in my life. They were fuller than mine and I just wanted to touch them...curl up with them, take them home and have them forever....

The sex was incredible and it all became official... no wonder everything with men felt so forced... I'M A LESBIAN I thought....oh my god, what are my friends going to think...what, when, how, huh? Panic. Gasp.

She was 31 to my 19...perhaps my attraction to older women began there. We only hung out for a couple of weeks after that... it turns out that we had nothing but sex in common. She was an ex-con with a drinking and drug problem...she did nothing in moderation and was out of control. When I walked in to find her hitting her crack pipe...that's all she wrote. I didn't have time for that... but I was still grateful to her for helping me find my way.

I think the attraction to older women also relates to me not having to be the teacher. I've trained people in every aspect of my career thus far and I don't want to have to do it in the bedroom.... no that can't be it because I've still been the teacher to some....

I really don't know. My grandmother once hinted around to the reason I'm gay is that I was raped and have a fear of men. No, that isn't the case. I love men...as friends, as drinking buddies, to help me move heavy furniture....I don't want to fuck them or make love to them however. I had considered this possibility as well...but know that it's bigger than that.

Women are softer, prettier, curvier, have gentler touches--but can be rough when the time is right....they smell good, and dammit among other things they make me wetter than I ever knew was even possible... but I'll leave that alone as to not embarrass Jen, lol.

With most women there is no sense of "masculinity" or ego that has to be stroked (no pun intended)... for those lesbians that opt for toys or strap ons you know what I mean. Sure, you could get penetration from a guy, but it's not the same... unlike when a man is behind it--a woman pays attention to what feels good, focuses more on the feel good spots, and pays attention to her partners wants or needs.... I won't say all the time...but a lot of the time, in my experience Men spend too much time focusing on what feels good to them, "how macho he can be" and all that shit... I don't have the time...

I can feel good with minimal equipment--alone or with a beautiful woman by my side or below my belly button helping me out. I guess for now my interest in "older women" remains a mystery.

Midterm Mayhem

And my boobs itch...I just finished both of the midterms that I had left. Yay. Downside, when I clicked the button to submit one of them I got an error message that said that there was an error in submitting my exam--WTF. I'm on hold now with technical support in hopes that my exam did actually get turned in and isn't just floating around in cyberspace somewhere.

I went thrift store shopping after work. I didn't find anything, but I found Jen two brand new dress shirts for work...a couple of brand new shirts for grandma, a couple of baby outfits for my soon to be here niece, a cut off type shirt for lil man that's red and says GAP in camo letters, lol...nothing for me.

Then off to the shoe store, I was thinking of splurging and finally getting those Sperry Topsiders I've been wanting but opted against it...they aren't great enough to justify that expense. I bought my sister a pair of adidas sandals because they are the only shoes her fat baby oven feet would fit into...she couldnt afford them right now so I treated her for now. I did find a pair of Nike sneaks for 22 bucks so that was exciting and its time to have new ones for work...the ones i"ve been wearing are too flat and kill my heel daily...

Then Mandi and I met up with Mom, Dad, Aunt Melissa and Uncle John for a birthday dinner for Dad...MEXICAN...yay...The highlight of my evening is when my mom had a brain fart and asked the server to sing happy birthday to Dad in Mexican...OMG...REALLY MOM...talk about unintentional racial slurs, lol. I learned a long time ago from working in warehouse to not assume anyone is mexican...I worked with Hispanics from all over--Guatemala, Mexico, etc etc but you don't call someone from Guatemala a mexican...they get pissed...but I digressed....I corrected mom and she was all like oh yeah...

Then off to walmart....Jeffrey's girlfriends daughter (Satan herself) has a birthday party tomorrow and if by some off chance I decided to be nice and take lil man to attend it, I needed to have a present for the ungrateful little brat...I spent all of five bucks on her...if she had manners and actually appreciated shit then I'd spend more...but for now it's pointless.

Finally home, laundry in...shower...checked on Grandma...she got to bed by herself tonight for the first time in a long time...and then midterms....only to get an error message

I got a ticket number from technical support...it turns out the professor (who's a cunt bag anyway) didnt mark the right box on forgot to do something on her end so the midterm I just did isn't set up to even be graded. So I emailed her and told her what was up, gave her the ticket number and told her to call tech support if she had questions...I'm not feeling good about this right now considering that it took me emailing her to let her know she hadnt even posted the midterm for us to do this week...WTF...she finally put it up on Wednesday...we are supposed to have a full week to complete it...but oh well.

Its almost three in the am...need to head to bed...Good night all.

Monday Madness

So work was productive. I'm going to be trained on more functions of the warehouse (the actual orderfill aspect of things) so that when I have new hires I can coach and help them along more efficiently and help those that are struggling in general.

What I accomplished this evening:

1. Made chicken salad from the leftover chicken from dinner for lunch tomorrow.
2. Made banana nut muffins FROM SCRATCH with a streusel topping sprinkled on top of them.
3. Cut Grandma's hair
4. Gave grandma a manicure
5. Helped entertain Grandma's company
6. Cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the counters
7. Cleaned out the spice cabinet (grandma had spices that were circa 1960...plenty more that were older than me...I threw the bitches away without her even noticing :) he he he. She'll notice eventually and yell at me, but for real...I can't risk her actually using them when she cooks and killing me....oh no no no..
8. Caught up on my blogging...(had a lot to get out)

I need to go to bed now though considering I overslept this morning and was an hour late for work :(...

Happy Monday...shew...glad it's over

I've gotta get back into work out mode...I fell off the exercise kick a week ago...I'm over a week of no hip hop abs and I feel gross yet again...gotta get motivated. I always feel better when I do....i need to go back to watching what I eat too...blah....

I'd like to buy a tape worm. Seriously...anyone know where I can score this trusty parasite...? I wanna be able to eat and eat and eat and never gain weight. lol. And tapeworms are probably cheaper than crack.

Hair today, gone tomorrow

I've got great news, and No, I didn't save a lot of money on my car insurance by switching to Geico....

MY HAIR IS GROWING BACK! I know, exciting right. I took this picture today because I was a. Being conceited, b. Having a great eyebrow day, and c. needed proof of my hair getting longer...

I did it...YAY

I spent Monday and Tuesday in the training course presented by Werres (a company that supplies Raymond Warehouse Equipment) It went well and $2100 billed to my company later, I'm official. I can train people on the follwing pieces of warehouse equipment (as well as operate them, though I rarely actually do)...

The Stock Picker (some know it as cherry picker or order picker)...drives like a car, but goes up in the rafters so that individual boxes can be picked... you have to be harnessed into this equipment so if you fall you don't go Splat...

The F4 (sit down forklift, called the F4 in my facility because it has four wheels...go figure)

The F3 (Stand up fork lift) differs from regular forklift because you are standing and only has three wheels...

The Walkie Rider (basically a pallet jack you can ride or pull along side of you) pretty fun, but one of the most dangerous pieces of equipment because people get on them and leave their common sense at the door...people have shattered elbows, broken their faces, run over other walkie riders etc....


Not pictured here are the Reach and Double reach truck...(like a F3, but bigger and has a reach mechanism which extends the forks further than a normal forklift) Once my boss certifies me to operate these (which won't happen anytime soon because the new hires we have coming in will be pretty much only using the aforementioned equipment) I'll be able to instruct others on how to use it.

I'm very excited about this. I'm also excited about the fact that I have 9 contractors that will be transitioning into Fulltime slots with the client company with in the next couple of weeks. I haven't had anyone get hired (due to hiring freezes) since November of last year. EXCITING. I'm so happy for them. It makes my job a little better because most of the time I give folks a sense of false hope because that's what I'm told to do...I do what I'm told to keep my job and then feel guilty when she doesn't work out...well for at least nine of my folks shit is going to work out and for this I'm not only grateful but SUPER EXCITED.