Bend over and grab your ankles

I walked into work hell this morning.  In the middle of checking the voicemail to see how many call outs I had, one of the supervisors called my cell.  The conversation went like this:

Her: Um, whats the deal with all of these people being here?
Me: You told me yesterday at 2:30 that you wanted every one of your people here
Her: So the calls didn't get made?
Me: Why would I make calls if you told me everyone was working?
Her: I sent an email to B (my boss) yesterday at 3:00 telling her that I only needed four people and gave her the names.
Me: She is in Chesapeake, I'm right here in the warehouse--it's easy to overlook an email, I'm here until four every day so that I can make calls and line up ya'lls staffing needs, I can't do that if ya'll don't tell me
Her: Well, I'm going to send them up there to you then

Essentially, the expectation is that if any of my contractors report to work, they should get paid for/given 4 hours of work.  (This almost never happens) If they tell me ahead of time, I call my contractors the evening before so they don't waste gas coming to work when the volume isn't there to support them being there.  So today, I had a handful of people come in, only to get sent home which left me looking like an ass for leaving my guys hanging.  It pissed me off first thing.

So needless to say at the 8:45 (the daily meeting because this place has more fucking meetings than any company I've ever seen, it's a wonder that anything fucking gets done) I made the announcement reminding all of the sups that I can't help them if they don't communicate to me what they need as far as staffing then I can't help them.  Then I reminded them that B works at the main office, I'm right here on sight...Please email her as a back up, but you have to tell me or it's not going to happen.

Then to cover my own ass, I went to the Assistant General Manager's office...He's second in command for the whole damn Distribution center....I explained to him that I was told 30 minutes prior to said email going out that everyone was expected to be here.  I also mentioned that I hold myself accountable in ensuring their success by having my people there... but I feel like they aren't accountable in their ho hum attitude and lack of urgency in providing me with their staffing needs.

FUCK! MY GIRL ASHLEY JUST GOT VOTED OFF TOP CHEF LAS VEGAS, fuck.  Another lesbo down....

My bad... lemme focus... one of the girls at work put in her notice.  I was talking with Field Hockey (whose hair I actually cut tonight)... and she was like would you considering doing her position?  It's HR Assistant for the DC... My instinct says no.  I'm tired of the bullshit, not just with the staffing company I work for, but the client company as well.  Not to mention, it would in a way look like I was backtracking resume wise because it would be a step or two backwards in my opinion.  I would like the HR side of things, and have to start somewhere but...I dunno.  She asked me if I had talked to Jen about it yet to get her opinion...

Me: No, Not yet
Her: Dude, that's what relationships are for, not just sex....sometimes in talking to people you find they have insights into things that can help you
Me: OMG it's not like I was never going to talk to her...I just haven't yet...I'm working, I'm busy, she's working, she's busy
Her: laughs....

I just thought it was funny that she would say some shit like that... Cheerleader finally announced that shes pregnant again.  I think she's about 11 weeks along and is already eating crazy. 

On a random note, Chino kitty is freaking out and meowing nonstop missing Gma.  Gma is coming home tomorrow night so he'll be set then....he loves gma because she feeds him junkfood all the time. 

My sister Mandi told me this evening not only did her soon to be ex husband's lawyer retire (as in put a sign up on the door and said peace out, didn't refer any of his clients or anything) but he called her today to tell her that her lawyer had called him ... he said that he hadn't gone to pick anything up yet, Mandi asked why...he apparently fell off a building and broke both of his legs.

Holy fuck.  If ya'll knew the whole story it's safe to say that you would be shocked as to the wrath that karma is bringing his way... damn.

Fuck, it's late...I need to pack a bag and get ready for the dentist tomorrow afternoon and then to Jen's... at least I won't be up late...since I made arrangements for pepper I'll be able to crash there...and in theory right after lil man goes to bed...  I'm tired and it's been a long week.

I'll have equipment training again this Friday... Fuck.  Come on Saturday morning....

Oh and on my lunch break I ran into my ex-best friend's cousin.  She's all grown up now and there is no way in hell that she's not a member of the all girls team.... this is humorous to me because my ex-BF was a total homophobe back in the day (I don't know if she still is or not)... lil things like that make me happy.

Cost Plus World Market is having a friends and family event this weekend where you can save 25% off of everything except like alcohol I believe.  I obviously can't get the lil coupon to everyone in that amount of time, but if anyone wants the online discount code, just let me know... I'll send you the info... how sad is it that I work in one of the two distros for this compnay and have never been in a store...maybe I'll go this weekend.  They are kind of like a Pier One Imports ON CRACK... lol

YOU CAN'T BE SERIOUS

My mom and sister just called me... apparently Mandi's baby daddy (he's not her boyfriend these days, literally the sperm donor that she is letting partake in the parenthood thing from afar...) was asking about the baby's bracelets that she came home from the hospital with...He wanted them.  Mandi explained that she had plans to put them in the baby book along with her own (mom/daughter hospital bracelets)...she put them in her jewelry box and called it a day.

When she went back to the jewelry box the baby's bracelets were gone.  Mandi and mom distracted BD (baby daddy) while Aunt Melissa went upstairs to look through his stuff to see if he had them.  She came downstairs and revealed a glass pipe that Mandi wasn't familiar with.  I had her send me a picture of it because I've been exposed to a lot more stuff than my sister has (despite her being a criminal justice major...she'd never make it as an undercover cop, lol)... Now I'm sort of the rebel in the family, but overall, the most I've really ever experimented with was alcohol and pot... I've seen other things but didn't really recognize this particular style of pipe.

After a little online research I have determined that the pipe they found in BDs stuff is the kind used to smoke Crystal meth.  Mandi first though crack, but it's not...AND she told me a lil while ago that he used to be addicted to meth OH MY FUCKING GOD...SERIOUSLY?  I want to say remind me again, with all of this misdemeanors, or felonies, or whatever...drug addiction...what in the fuck were you interested in him exactly?  I'm glad that my sister got a baby out of the deal but I think the reason this "winner" of a guy caught her eye because she was at the middle of a nasty divorce, felt down in the dumps and enjoyed the attention she got.  That's the only reason I can come up with for why someone as smart as my sister could have no common sense when it comes to some men.

Long story shit, my mom is not going to let this guy stay in her house anymore or see the baby...she was alreayd like how the fuck are you going to come into town for the "birth of your baby" and bring your fucking paraphernalia with you" my sister now realizes where all his money has been going, because it sure as hell hasn't beign goin toward his daughter and my mom has been paying for everything since he got into town...

I feel so bad for my sister, she doesn't need this shit right now with her baby not even being three days old.  She was crying as she told me taht she ignored her gut and gave the baby his last name instead of hers...I guess there are no redos on the name once you've done it???

Always some fucking drama.  It's probably a good thing I'm at Jen's house watching lil man til she gets home from work AND that I have to get up for a 5:45 am shift...otherwise I'd go over and give him a piece of my mind for sure...I can't believe this.

I'm livid right now.  Mom just called me to tell me that she confronted BD...he of course just "forgot it was in there..." He's got my sister all torn to pieces...I can tolerate and or just bitch about a lot of things rather than take action, but I'll be damned if some douche bag is going to fuck over my sister.

BD commented to my sister earlier, "I think you love this baby more than you love me...." she responded with a DUH!!! Mom also reminded him that he's not here to be Mandi's boyfriend, because he's not...he's the baby's dad and that's it...so if he is here for anything other than that baby he's got another thing comin'.

Apparently while at the hospital he also went into mandi's purse...a huge no no.  You don't go into anyone in my family's purse, its sacred...if I carried a purse I'd fuck someone up for going in it, regardless of what they were looking for...mom told him on that subject "IF YOU EVER GO INTO MANDI'S PURSE AGAIN, I WILL PERSONALLY BREAK YOUR HANDS and you will be out of here---she was married to an asshole that played that game, he's not in the picture either..."

My mom is like 100 pounds lighter than me but way more butch than i could ever be, lol.  She's my hero.  She's ex army and I've seen her lay my brother out (he's 5'11 to her 5'1...) You don't fuck with mom...BD is only maybe 5'6 and like 175...he doesn't stand a chance...

Work and other worthless thoughts

Yesterday (Thursday) was an all around awful day for me.  I had completed the last of all my required assignments late Wednesday night and expected to wake feeling over joyed at the accomplishment of technically finishing school and all associated with it.  But, alas, it felt like a regular day.  No fireworks, no applause, nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular day--I was okay with that.  After submitting my last assignment I emailed the school a copy of the form that I needed to fill out: Request for verification or something like that. 

Basically, they check my financial standing and my grades and give me a yay or nay response, which will be emailed to me in 10-14 business days.  Once approved, I will then be billed the $125 evaluation fee (translation, another way for them to bleed me dry, as if the over 50 grand in student loans I've accumulated over the years, and $400 minimum for text books every 11 weeks for the last two years wasn't enough)...

I missed the deadline for the graduation ceremony, which is okay because I had already announced I wasn't going to walk.  What I am going to do is borrow my sister's cap and gown from her graduation last May...(including tassle), put on my honor's cord that I received for good grades and pose for "fake" grad pictures.  Then, Mom and Mandi are going to hum the graduation march song and I'm going to walk my big ass to the fridge for a nice ice cold beer :) Now that's a plan, lol.  It's not that I'm not excited about graduating, because, trust and believe I'm ecstatic to be finished, but it's not official until I get that yay or nay email...so I'll put off my WOOHOOs until then.

Back to the point...yesterday sucked.  I feel more and more like a babysitter at my job than a supervisor.  I'm a broken record, repeating myself all damn day long because no one fucking listens.  Firing people for no call no shows, writing people up and coaching them for not maintaining the expected performance/production standards, or accuracy issue, attendance issues, etc...gets rather repetitive.  I'm tired of having a job where at the end of the day I don't fee like I've accomplished anything.  I have no impact in my opinion on any aspect.  I can't impact the operations of the client, because they are the client, and I'm just some peon that doesn't know anything...(apparently) and within my own organization I'm trapped and have no impact because I'm just a contractor as opposed to being internal.  I've been here thirteen and a half months and very little I was promised has actually occurred. 

There is this job that I would really like to have.  It's the same basic principles but focuses less on supervising and more on training and implementation, still focusing on safety...I didnt get the nickname Five-O for not being on top of my safety game. (Hey so and so, where's your seatbelt?, Hey dude, this isn't Nascar, slow your roll...etc) This position is open until filled, the pay range is $15000-25000 more than I make now, which granted isn't much at all...is only 12 miles from my house (my job now is only 5 miles away) and is a city/state job which means that I'd be a state employee, with kick ass benefits, paid holidays and sick time, and tuition reimbursement (for when I'm ready to go with my masters)... I just have to pencil in time to update my resume and apply. It's kind of fucked up though...all this schooling and emphasis in business writing and my resume sucks ass....

My boss came to the facility yesterday. She had interviews lined up...more people for me to potentially train, fire, or have quit or just stop showing up in the same week.  I'm saying this all wrong.  I had to sit down and figure if Im the reason this is happening, but even the client company is running into a slew of no call no shoes or people just up and quitting....I'm just not passionate about my role here anymore.  I'm not a die hard person like my boss, who stuck it out doing what I'm doing for 18 months before getting a gig at the main office...(still overseeing me and the account, but with a lot of extra responsibility like recruiting)... I'm not recruiter material.  I don't believe in this client enough to try and get people to work here...sounds horrible huh, but it's the truth....

There is never any negative feedback from the client supervisor/managers to my boss and my bosses boss...but I'm tired of feeling like I'm on a deserted island and invisible.  I need a change.

My boss is still great as a person, it's just that I'm burned out in my position that I'm becoming bitter and that's affecting the way I see a lot of things, work in general, my boss and the way she does things, etc.  I have to type of a list of issues that I'm having with the client supervisors/managers to email her, she'll add to it and send it to her boss and he'll have a meeting with the head honchos for the client next week to try and correct the issues. 

I'm generally non-confrontational... I'd assume play nice and then bitch about the problems later rather than stir shit up right then... mainly because I know it's pointless...That's about to change.

When I leave here in the afternoons is more of a sense of relief than accomplishment...I smoked a cigarette, from my emergency pack (going on three weeks old at this point now I think)....to come down, to relax and center myself....I hate smelling like smoke, but dammit sometimes that "prozac on a stick" is the good shit. 

Since it was Thursday I headed to Jen's house to watch lil man for her... he was whiney which tends to stress me out, but he didn't feel good so I did my best to not get irritated...it wasn't his fault.  I had just had a crappy day, snapped at Jen via text, which I quickly apologized for since it wasn't my intention...and now was trying to snap out of the foul mood I was in. 

Lil man and I built our own pizzas and did his homework...he showered and got into bed on time.  I was attempting to blog and had just got out of the shower myself when he woke up and announced he had to pee.  I was conducting a test run with leaving Pepper with Grandma overnight...(something I've decided I wont' do ever again because she creates reasons to call me when I'm not at home...it gets old.  This morning I had three missed calls from her....The first one was to see if I was home because she heard the dog barking and wanted to know if she needed to get up and let her out....the second was to let me know the dog was outside and the third to verify which bag had dog food in it....(Gee grandma, I dunno, maybe it's the one that says PEDIGREE in like 375 font and has the dog on it)...she then tells me about how the water is looking low...(Grandma, it's 615 in the fucking morning, the dog is not going to drink the remainder of her 5 gallon waterer before I get home this afternoon....when it's low, there is still a gallon in there....for fucks sake lady)...all stuff she knows, but she plays dumb to have reasons to talk to me when I'm not around because she's lonely... how is she going to be when I move out... i'm going to have to change my telephone number for real.

As always, I digress...back to Thursday night with lil man: So he gets up and says he needs to pee, pees, then comes into Jen's room where I was blogging and watching tv putting off much needed sleep and starts crying because he doesn't feel well... I have him come over to me and cuddle with him at which time I realized he was radiating heat and quickly regretted the cuddling portion because it made me start to sweat....he was in and out of crying bouts and sleep when I called Jen, who was on her way home by this point and asked if she had any kids tylenol because I thought lil man had a fever... She didnt so she detoured to get some....She gets home and within three minutes of her being there, he sits up on her bed to get ready to take some medicine when he starts puking all over the bed....Poor guy.  I hop up as quick as possible because anyone who has heard the sound of a kid puking knows they aren't safe and it could end up anywhere....

This awful smell filled the air and Jen had to catch her breath to keep from vomiting herself....he got off the bed and I walked carrying a washcloth in front of his face catching as much vomit as I could...though the majority I think got on my hand and started running down my arm...Jen helped him in the bathroom, I washed my hands and peeled the sheets, mattress cover, and comforter off the bed...he had managed to saturate all three with puke...fun.  The smell was not pleasant by any means and I was thankful that I don't have a weak stomach.

I walk past Jen with the pile of sheets and comforter and hear her request that I get as much of the chunks out before washing it.... wow this just gets grosser and grosser... (I flashed back to last week when I had butt wiping detail and this week where I'm touching vomit with my bare hand and adding harassing her about this later to my mental to do list)... What fun.

He just had sour stomach and a head ache it seemed... all of a sudden he has tons of energy post shower.... everything short of running laps and telling his mom about the words he had written during homework.  Jen looks at me and says babe, you should be asleep, if you need to go home, I understand.... I stayed... I wasn't sure that I'd be able to keep my eyes open long enough to drive home... so no need to risk it.  I was overly tired and didn't sleep well... at 1:30 this morning I woke up to Jen tossing sheets on me...the comforter still wasn't dry, so the two of us had been sharing a throw blanket (which I'm sure I hogged the majority of being as I like sleeping in the fetal position with everything but my head covered, blankets up to my neck and strategically tucked and one foot poked out, but not uncovered allowing air to circulate...) I made comment about how I was going to be hating life tomorrow.... Jen said, "just don't hate my son..." Like I could do that...I threw her a weird look and passed out.

Five thirty rolled around rather quickly and up and motivated I was.  Out the door in time to make a run to Chic fil-a for a chicken egg and cheese biscuit (I had planned this while still at work on Thursday and was determined to stick to the plan... plus some coworkers had already made requests for what they wanted.)...

Then work, more drama, more No call no shows, more resignations without notice...etc...fun

I was going to go see a movie tonight since it's been weeks since the last one I've seen....but I'm thinking a nap curled up with Chino and Pepper trumps this desire....and perhaps clean the upstairs tonight since I have to do grandmas part of the house tomorrow.  I was going to take Jen and lil man to the Isle of Wight Co. Fair but think I'll wait a month and take them to the Suffolk Peanut Fest instead....Though, I think Clarence Carter, the guy that sings "strokin" is supposed to perform at the Isle of Wight Fair tonight....I dunno...not that eager right now, maybe after some sleep sometime this weekend we'll stroll that way on Sunday, for now rest is in the lead for things to do.

Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

This is it, # 200

So I've officially hit my 200th post. Exciting right...I blew through the first one hundred, simply because I'm a blog addict--so no big tadoo for that one... but this, this I feel is notable. What does one right for such a fabulous milestone? Do I switch it up and blog about world peace, or my views on politics, or enlighten everyone with my thoughts on religion...Seriously? What do you take me for... I'm gonna keep it real and treat this as if it were any other blog, because in short...that's all it is.

Pepper is shedding all over the couch.

Grandma had her first Pasta bowl from Dominoes tonight and loved it. I'm trying to be more patient with her considering she really isn't trying to piss me off, it just so happens that the smallest things she does sets me off...sometimes just the sound of her voice makes me so angry...I can't even begin to explain why...

I think it's cute that my mom is taking lil man shopping tomorrow and on a "lunch date." She wanted to help Jen out with his school supplies and some of his back to school clothes...that's super cool in my opinion.

My friend (we'll call her J)...is in a world of drama right now. The poor thing has been in love with this girl for ages and the girl is nothing but toxin to her. She treats her like shit, uses the stuff they talk about against J later on. The girl, we'll refer to her as M, is older (27/28) and a lot meaner. She is an alcoholic and possibly bipolar. J, who is only 21/22, has low self esteem and feels like when they fight that no matter what, it's her fault. They were only an official couple for about a month, but J has Loved her everyday she has known her. M always says she loves J, but then always puts a disclaimer on things which indicates she doesn't really want to be with J at all, but likes having her around to keep her amused when no one else is. Most recently, J and M got a room... they hooked up and did their thing and M made plans with J for the following day, only to blow her off. The next day they hung out again and made plans for the day after, M blew J off AGAIN. No explanation, no acknowledgment or even owning up to the fact she had made plans...J asked M if she was fucking her best friend who is a dude....which in my opinion, J is a little insecure about a lot of things, but is confused as shit because M is always saying one thing and doing something completely different. M flipped out. Yelled at J, told her that she didn't want her in her life and to leave her alone. This really upset J...later on M texted J demanding that she look in her car, find the dvds she left and then drive them out to her (which was not a trip just right up the road....) J refused, but only because M said she wouldn't talk to her and the dvds werent actually in her car. The following day M text J and told her to meet her in town, buy her a 12 pack because J, "owed her that" and J DID!!!! There was a huge scene in the grocery store, more awful things were said, etc etc etc

The moral of the story is that J feels like it's her fault that M isn't speaking to her. J has admitted to me that she tolerates the fucked up shit that M does/says to her because at least she's in her life. It's a fucked up situation that I don't understand at all. She is miserable right now. I'm trying to get J to change her number and get rid of this girl all together, but she is stubborn and doesn't hear anything I say. I told her today that she is my friend and that I don't like seeing her miserable, that she deserves better, and there are plenty of fun fabulous women out there that she could give a try...but she's too busy being obsessed for a lack of better words with one that treats her like complete and total shit. I'm frustrated and told her that she is impossible to talk to when she is in the current mood she is in. I feel like it's pointless and I don't know what to do.

She told me that she understands how frustrating she must be and that she's a hypocrite because back in the day (last year) when I was with, (who she deemed Grandma Moses)... she would get irritated with me for bitching about Gma Moses and then going right back to hang out with her and here she is doing the same...I'm lost. I don't even want to talk to her at this point because she's the only one that can change her circumstances and she refuses to do it...I can't take it anymore... ya know. I don't know what to do.

I worked more today than I have in the past year at my job. I trained four people, had to fire one of the people I trained because their background came back dirty and they couldnt work for our client, which stinks cuz he was a cool guy. I did something that I thought was thinking outside the box and didn't consult my boss first, thinking it would show my initiative...it kind of bit me in the ass more than anything. I was all proud of the leg work I had done, especially after going for 9.5 hours nonstop.... I consulted with two managers, two sups, and moved one contractor who was struggling from one area where she'd be more successful and lined someone to start in her place effective tomorrow. My boss saw that as me potentially abusing the "system" she had spent the last two years putting into place out there. It's not something that I would do for every person struggling, and I wasn't playing favorites, but in my mind, my company supposedly prides itself on "finding the perfect fit"...she wasn't in the spot to make her successful and when I fixed it...I pretty much got my bubble busted... dammit.

Frustrating. I'm behind at work but I'm glad to have all this work to keep me busy and make my day fly by.

My hair is growing out nicely...it's nice to have hair again. I colored it and put some highlights in the front again...I was tired of that mousy brown natural shit. I gave jen some copper highlights to go with her root touch up as well...she looks fierce as always :)

I should be doing homework but I'm not. Just a few more weeks to go and I'll be done with school. I want to look into Master's programs just so I don't have to pay back those pesky loans...but I need a break. At least a few months...maybe I'll start on an MBA in biznazz sometime in January...who knows.

I want chocolate. Lots and lots of chocolate.

A hot fudge sundae would be marvelous right now.

Pepper has some ferocious gas...I just threw up in my mouth a little...I wish grandma would stop feeding her shit from the table...

I painted a picture for my mom for mothers day. She gave it back to me and actually asked me change something that was bothering her...jeezus, I thought I was anal. I'm going to keep the original and paint her another one...insane...and i'm not exactly going to rush to do it either....

I have a crucial inner ear itch.

To my secret stalker out there

So Jen's ex has been harassing her. The best I can figure is that she is miserable in her life and regretting fucking things up with Jen when she had the opportunity to be with her and all that jazz and now that she's miserable...and is trying to bring Jen down to her level.

I normally don't respond, comment, or acknowledge such foolishness but I really do have to ask, WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Apparently Jen's Ex has been reading my blog and pulling details from it to use against Jen... Jen and I talk about everything so I've known about the majority of times that the ex has contacted Jen, or Jen reached out because they were still connected because of a "financial matter" or whatever.... it didn't matter. I don't delegate to Jen who she can and can't talk to. If she wanted to be friends with her ex, hey more power to her...I'm not going to tell the person I love how to live her life because then she wouldn't be able to be herself...she'd just be living her life according to my orders...and I don't play that game. So from the dawn of time...aka We'll say October ish of last year I've known about the existence of the ex. Again...it never bothered me because this chick is like three thousand miles away. But, I do feel the need to finally vent about it if this girl...I won't even say woman because her maturity level doesn't warrant it...decides to start trashing my girl on every social networking site she is a member of. I'm not even venting because of what she's saying because it's irrelevant... I'm more concerned at the fact that she would use my thoughts or words and twist them to try and verbally stab the woman I love.

I will say a few words on this matter and be done...it's not my fight....but they need to be said. I'm a firm believer in no response is the best response...but in this situation YOU need to be schooled (you know who you are...):

1. First of all stop stalking Jen through my blog and stop "stalking" me. You don't know me...so when you text or email Jen and say hateful things, the following phrases are not suitable....

-Tommy only dates you because....
-Tommy is lying to you just like I did
-Tommy...

Bitch, this isn't my fight...you don't know me, we don't hang out on the weekends...you don't know what I'm thinking or anything for that matter....You aren't woman enough to be in my life...so stop trying to act like you know anything

2. There has been many a time I considered picking up the phone and set your ass straight (no pun intended)...but out of respect for Jen and her wishes I left it alone. You've spent almost an entire year now trying to bring Jen down to your level because you are miserable and regretting the decisions you made. Wise up. No one is living your life for you. You made your bed, you get to sleep in it--I hear down comforters are nice....

You cheated on Jen and never could come to terms with the fact that you had lesbian tendencies...i say tendencies since you professed your love to Jen on the regular and were busy fucking a dude in the process. Even after you got knocked up, Jen allowed you to stay in her life and even helped you take care of your son....hell...she saved your life and the life of your baby before you even actually gave birth...She's a better person that me....I'll leave it at that. I wouldn't have pissed on your if you were on fire.

Here you are now with baby number two...congratulations would be in order for most people, but you are up to your same old games. Married and lying to your husband while you try and get Jen to profess her undying love to you so that you won't feel guilty for how you did her "dirty." It's just a matter of time until your husband finds out the truth about you. It won't come from me because it's not my place, but my dear, KARMA IS A BITCH...

3. Jen is a lot stronger than I think you realize. You sucked the life out of her and injected her with your venom for long enough. She wised up and ditched you...made a new start for herself and for her son and her life in general....Sorry about your luck, but you aren't part of that equation. Fuck off.

4. I encourage you to read my blog as often as you like. Start from the beginning if you like. If it's in my blog, it's not exactly a secret....but in the long run, it's just going to make you that much more miserable...because its just going to reiterate the fact that Jen is happy, I'm a fabulous person, and you're a damn dirty dumpster cunt...oh my bad... i mean, sucks to be you. Bookmark my page while you're at it...it will save you time in the long run.

5. Jen has not once been referred to as anything less than my girlfriend. I have never kept her closeted to my family or my friends....I guess that works out for the both of us since I don't pretend to be something I'm not. She doesn't have to be anyone but herself and DAMN....SHE'S GOOD AT IT.

6. It must eat you alive inside to see how happy we look in pictures together....and stab a little bit deeper to know that lil man never even mentions your name...He doesn't think about EVER... oh wait...maybe I'm getting a lil mean...

Bitch you don't know how mean I can get. But as I said before, this is the one time I'm speaking on this subject....after tonight...you will once again be dead to me, nonexistent, a waste of good air.

7. It probably makes your cringe to know that I'm the one holding her at night...and curling up in between her legs and touching her in places you are bound to miss....I get to taste her kiss and feel her touch, while you are there...across the country laying next to a man that you don't even love.

8. Wise up. Get a life. Spend your time focusing on those two kids of yours and stop meddling in mine. I don't have the time to be dealing with you or the negativity you bring into the equation. You are toxic. Jen has moved on. And newsflash...even if she wasn't with me, she STILL WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU. You fucked up...face the facts and live with the consequences...you did this to yourself...nobody did it for you.

I'm finished. I'm going to get back to my beach vacation with a wonderful woman... We are having a few beers, gonna watch a movie and let's just say that some good ol' fashioned dirty kinky drunk sex is on the agenda. Hope you're having a great night over there in California...How's the weather? Oh wait, I forgot, I don't give a shit.

Just so we are on the same page, don't forget that you don't know me, if you were on fire I wouldn't spit on you, and I saw you on the street, I'd probably cunt punt you out of principle.

OH WAIT....

9. I'm not using Jen for free movie passes...I have a job and her theatre just so happens to fall in my budget, $4 matinee and six bucks any other time....I can dig in the fucking couch cushions if I need to see a movie that bad. You are so clueless. Maybe when you are older, it will all make sense to you.

10. I just recently watched this movie called Love and Suicide. It was about two teenage girls that fall in love with each other but end up breaking up because one of the two girls couldn't come to terms with the fact she was gay and didn't have the balls to tell her family....I don't want to ruin the ending...but seriously...it's a little low budget, but you might want to check it out. That goes for anyone...for the record.

Older women

Jen asks me pretty frequently...what's your deal with older women, lol. I can't explain why but I've always been attracted to them...and to be honest I can count on 1 or 2 fingers how many women I've been with that were my age or younger.

She asked me again on Sunday, but I don't remember the conversation...just that it was relevant so I smiled, laughed, and shrugged...I've been giving it some thought and still I'm struggling to put it into words.

My definition of "older women" sometimes is just as simple as being older than me... sometimes the age range creates a huge age gap per se.

In my most recent life there is Jen who is 31... a mere 3 years to my 28.

The "x" before her was 41 to my 27.... a 14 year difference. In this case age worked against us but not in the normal sense--more in the I was the adult and she was the "kid"...she stayed high all the time and only talked about Football, Video Games, or stories from her past that related to some guy she had fucked or what she had done when she was high this one time...or whatever...I was the one trying to have serious conversations...which never worked...besides I wanted to be high too, but couldn't because of my job. She was a wake and bake kind of girl...and if she didn't have pot she was a terror to be around....not cool...

The "x" before her was about six years older than me maybe...I don't remember exactly. My only other "true" long term gig, besides Jen... and that one can't even really only count so much because we were so on again off again in our ways. She had her life on a very serious path, wanted us to have joint checking accounts by this point and her and her towels by that point... I'm anti joint checking account among other things...and my thought on marriage is that I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to prove my commitment to someone. No offense to those that are married and honestly more power to you, it just doesn't suit me at this point in my life.

Rewind a bit further and I find myself recalling my first time. Let me clarify that--first time with a woman. I was always a "good kid," never gave a second thought to not being interested in boys when I was in high school...had something slipped into my drink at a frat party and recall being awake but unable to move or cry out as I was raped and then somehow managed to find my dorm as the sun came up. I didn't tell anyone until years later and because of it went through a phase in my life where I assumed the fact that I never felt a connection with a man was my fault and that the only way a man was going to like me was if I slept with them. I "skanked" out for a while... this turned out to be low self esteem and having internalized all the rage and confusion I had experienced from the rape itself.

In a short time period I had experienced my uncle (who was four years older than me at the time and one of my best friends) committing suicide, finding out my dad wasn't my real dad, a rape (which was also my first time ever having sex), and losing my best friend of 13 years to a misunderstanding)... all in a years time. So right before I graduated high school through the middle of my freshman year of college....it's a lot to digest.

I had been sent to therapy after withdrawing myself from college due to serious depression and the world catching up with me essentially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies...a label that would take me years to escape. (but was later diagnosed as a hormone imbalance that causes serious mood swings)...go figure

It wasn't until I admitted to my mom that all the problems I was having that my parents had assumed had to do with me finding out my dad wasn't my real dad was actually a combination of a lot of things, the rape being the breaking point.

That's when it dawned on me. The church wasn't necessarily right in everything it had been teaching me. I was no longer the founder of my youth group that was saving herself for marriage... I accepted that my lack of connection with men wasn't my fault or a bad thing I was going to hell for.... I was not attracted to them in that way. Period. I didn't stop believing in a higher power, but I stopped living my life according to the church's interpretation of how my life should be lived.

This revelation changed my life. I met this woman... Her name was Wendy. I couldn't tell you her last name if you paid me...that part of the memory didn't stick. I remember hanging out with her a couple of times and then going to her house. I was so nervous but I was sooo attracted to her. She made me tingle in places that no one else had.... I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch... she was polite, knew it was my first time and wasn't rushing me. I recall thinking I was so smooth as I jumped at every opportunity to slide closer to her, the cold leather under my legs.

She eventually took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. She didn't take my clothes off immediately...she let the anticipation build.... she tasted like Marlboros and a hot summer day...I took her shirt off and exposed the most perfect breasts I had ever seen at this point in my life. They were fuller than mine and I just wanted to touch them...curl up with them, take them home and have them forever....

The sex was incredible and it all became official... no wonder everything with men felt so forced... I'M A LESBIAN I thought....oh my god, what are my friends going to think...what, when, how, huh? Panic. Gasp.

She was 31 to my 19...perhaps my attraction to older women began there. We only hung out for a couple of weeks after that... it turns out that we had nothing but sex in common. She was an ex-con with a drinking and drug problem...she did nothing in moderation and was out of control. When I walked in to find her hitting her crack pipe...that's all she wrote. I didn't have time for that... but I was still grateful to her for helping me find my way.

I think the attraction to older women also relates to me not having to be the teacher. I've trained people in every aspect of my career thus far and I don't want to have to do it in the bedroom.... no that can't be it because I've still been the teacher to some....

I really don't know. My grandmother once hinted around to the reason I'm gay is that I was raped and have a fear of men. No, that isn't the case. I love men...as friends, as drinking buddies, to help me move heavy furniture....I don't want to fuck them or make love to them however. I had considered this possibility as well...but know that it's bigger than that.

Women are softer, prettier, curvier, have gentler touches--but can be rough when the time is right....they smell good, and dammit among other things they make me wetter than I ever knew was even possible... but I'll leave that alone as to not embarrass Jen, lol.

With most women there is no sense of "masculinity" or ego that has to be stroked (no pun intended)... for those lesbians that opt for toys or strap ons you know what I mean. Sure, you could get penetration from a guy, but it's not the same... unlike when a man is behind it--a woman pays attention to what feels good, focuses more on the feel good spots, and pays attention to her partners wants or needs.... I won't say all the time...but a lot of the time, in my experience Men spend too much time focusing on what feels good to them, "how macho he can be" and all that shit... I don't have the time...

I can feel good with minimal equipment--alone or with a beautiful woman by my side or below my belly button helping me out. I guess for now my interest in "older women" remains a mystery.

Good news...sort of

So Gma went to the doctor yesterday is she is allowed to put weight on her leg as she feels she's ready. She is also able to drive again (scary) as soon as she feels ready, but will have to practice in a parking lot or something prior to hitting the road. Honestly, I don't know of anyone that is going to volunteer for this because she was scary behind the wheel even before her fall this past April...I just don't see myself being an eager beaver in this scenario.

This news translates into no one having to stay the night with her anymore. She still needs help changing her clothes, but she's got to the point where she is walking with her walker in the evenings to bed and setting things up so all she has to do is walk to the bathroom first thing, handle her business and then she gets in the shower (where she has a shower chair) and can manage until someone helps her with her clothes.

Mom had planned on coming over last night to help her to bed, but she is busy as hell packing and trying to get all my dad's shit together so he can "play army" and leave for Kosovo at the end of the week. I told Gma that I'd be able to help her, but that I had wanted to be in bed by the nine to nine thirty mark because it was the one day I had this week where I'd actually be able to do that. So nine twenty five rolls around and she's in bed...I'm flipping the light off when her cell phone rings. FUCK. I continue with what I was doing and let the dog back in so that I can be in bed by my planned time for a change.

My cellphone rings shortly after and Gma tells me that George (my jackass deacon uncle who has his own concept of time) has decided that because he's going to his daughter's house (this bitchy spoiled chick) in South Carolina in the morning and will be there for a week he needed to cut the grass tonight. Gma actually agreed which pissed me off. She tells me that if it gets too loud and distracting to just put the covers over my head....REALLY LADY, REALLY?

It's nine forty five by this point, I send Jen the last text of the night, urging her to get some sleep for a change too when I hear it. THE LAWNMOWER--one of those industrial grade landscaping deals (because he couldnt just buy a simple John Deere)...he wanted one that sounds like it has a jet engine apparently. I dose off for a few minutes while he cut the opposite side of the house.

10:08 pm I hear the house phone ring, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS...(I'm sorry, I'm old school and don't believe in calling anyone after nine o'clock at night...you never know what they're doing)...I never answer Gma's phone because no one I know even has the number, I know it's not for me....(unless it's XM radio trying to get me to come back...they found the number via my address I suppose, because I don't even have Gma's number listed on my car loan application where they got my original information...I'm strictly a cell phone person and hell of my 450 anytime minutes, I might use 13 in a given month...) But I digress....

I close my eyes after tossing and turning a few times to fall asleep again, only to be woke up by the loud jet propelled lawn mower under my window...I get up, stomp over the light switch, flip it on....along with every other light I possibly can on my way to the bathroom....Pee since I was up anyway, stomp back to bed after turning lights off and try it one more time, cussing my uncle the most creative ways I possibly can. He's such a fuckhead with no concept of mowing etiquette. I wanted him to know I was up thats why I flipped on all the lights and did everything short of opening the blinds, tossing out the screen as I opened the window to hang out of it flipping him off and yelling obscenities into the night.

I mean just because they put lights on the front end of lawnmowers doesn't mean you HAVE to use them. Why is this such a hard concept to grasp? It's like just because my car comes with a lighter...I'm not required to use it. It's decoration. Ten Forty eight... and still awake....

Why do I even fucking try. The alarm goes off at five forty five, I get out of bed at six fifteen, grumpy, eyes swollen, and the thought of calling in in my mind....I officially do not like my uncle. (this time for a legitimate reason...--before the reason just included that he talked to fucking much, was annoying, has it in his head I'm going to hell for being gay, avoids touching his own brother...not my dad but my other uncle who is gay as if he's scared my uncle is contagious...) Most days I see him talking and I'm not listening...I'm looking through him and wishing I hadn't gotten rid of that 18" double ended dildo that was like a coke can in girth, lol....(it was scary) but made an excellent prop for when drinking at parties. I'd pull it out and if someone was annoying me I'd smack them in the face with it....I should invest in another one....hell seeing his face as he got smacked by a translucent hot pink monster cock would definitely be worth the investment. And if I'm going to hell anyway....why not.... haha.

On the upside...the grass is cut so I don't have to worry about not seeing a snake coming after me in the tall grass....I'M STILL PISSED HOWEVER.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T...

I have decided that my ideal job would be that of Mediator. Someone who mediates in any situation ranging from messy divorces to peace treaties and the UN or something...I dunno.

I had noticed lately that Gma seems to have a real issue with my sister. She's always making comments that would indicate that she doesn't even like my sister (and keep in my mind she's not even my grandmother by blood and I'm her favorite...it's weird)...it concerned me. My sister has voiced concerns as well and talks about how "the old bat" as she put it doesn't even like her. She used me as an example and said that if I needed new tires all I'd have to do is mention and bam, four brand new tires. If Mandi mentions needing new tires, grandma cuts out a coupon for tires to give her, lol. (It's true. Gma has bought me new tires before...so valid point)

Well on top of that it seems that everyone and their mom vents to me. I honestly don't have a problem with that until it comes time for me to vent and I feel like I can't talk to anyone (so I blog instead) because everyone has too much already weighing on them as it is. Or if I do talk to them I'm perceived as just being melodramatic. Mom vents to me about the shit that Gma does to piss her off and threatens to smother her in her sleep...(which is funny only because I used to threaten that and mom would say that when Gma dies they are ordering an autopsy because they aren't convinced I wouldn't really do it...wtf?) Here's an example of a similar conversation:

I'm upstairs getting ready to watch a movie and my sister is downstairs so I texted her...

Me: Hey I'm about to hit play, do you wanna watch Transporter 3 or not
Mandi: mom and I are down here on the verge of killing grandma
Me: is that a yes or a no
Mandi: Turn the volume up so when the police come you won't be able to answer any questions
Me: lol
Mandi: lol, and no to the movie, yes to really thinking about hurting Gma

It's apparent that Grandma is putting a little of everyone over the edge at this point. Well I went to sleep on Friday night and had the most jacked up dream. Grandma was reading me an email in the dream (which she is famous for speaking over an entire room of people to ensure that at least one person hears the email that some random cousin of an uncles moms dad sent her..."don't you remember who that is..." no, "oh sure ya do..." blah blah blah blah) I yelled at her in the dream. No, I didn't just yell, I straight up flipped the hell out on her and in the dream, she died shortly after.

I woke up feeling guilty for letting things get so built up to the point that I am having bad dreams about things that are happening in my waking life...so I go downstairs prior to running errands with my sister and I trapped Gma in the bathroom. I literally trapped her. You see the bathroom is narrow, she pees with the door open so I walk in and see she has finished peeing and is now back in her wheelchair in front of the sink. I stand behind her wheelchair looking into the mirror to talk to her, and her using the mirror to talk to me. There was not enough space for her to maneuver or turn around with me standing there so she was trapped and had to hear me out. I did this, not because I'm evil...but because my grandmother has the attention span of a goldfish and I needed her full undivided attention for what I had to say.

I calmly explained that I needed to talk to her and that I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I have noticed some things that were bothering me and that I had concerns with. The topics ranged from my sister and how grandma seems to hate her and how she constantly knit picks with my mom, and how she doesn't say please and thank you, I mean everything.

I made a great deal of progress. It turns out that my Gma had let things that my sister is doing or has done that she doesn't approve of get in the way of normal daily activities. (my theory is that my sister is getting all the attention right now with the baby coming and the attention isn't on Gma so much since her leg is healing and well Gma is jealous) but I digress. I reminded Gma that there are things in my life that she doesn't approve of (the gay thing in a way) but it doesnt make her love me any less and so on. In the end she cried because she said, "I'm sad because I'm too old to hold the baby like I want to." I said grandma, get over yourself, you could be 93 and you're not going to be too old to hold the baby. By the time the baby gets here you'll be driving around and walking on your own...she patted her belly and I used it as a cue to point out that she already had a shelf for the baby to lay on, she laughed....

Her issues with mom have to do with mom always wanting to be right (and Gma being the same way) and neither of them backing down until someone is proved right. My mom is the same way with Aunt Melissa and it gets annoying to listen to but no one, including me likes to be wrong...she commented on how mom doesn't even let her pick out her own clothes....and how mom is so anxious all the time to have everything done just right that she feels like she doesn't have the option to do things for herself like she would like to. I pointed out that she needed to sit down and nicely tell these things to mom so that they could work them out. End of story...she agreed and then told me not to tell mom the things she said...

On Thursday Gma barked an order at me without a please or a thank you after it was done. I called her out on it. I'm always reminding lil man to use his manners...what happened to Gma's I wonder. For a lady that taught 1st grade for years, she should know that these things are essential. I explained that while I understand she's not used to so many people being around trying to help, that she shouldn't stop treating us like people by not saying please and thank you...I said we are not your slaves....we are not cool with you barking orders and doing as told. Just ask us nicely...that sparred another topic...she feels like she doesn't get the respect she deserves from people sometimes...okay again....TELL SOMEONE WHEN IT HAPPENS, IN A NICE TONE AND STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE...you have to give respect to get it....everyone knows that

The talk lasted about 20 minutes and at the end grandma said that she is just trying to guide us in the way the Lord is guiding us. I told her that if the Lord has a plan for us I'm sure he can manage just fine getting his message across without you micromanaging and turning your nose up at something we do that you disagree with. She agreed. I used the whole me being gay thing to prove my point. I told her that just because you think I should be with a man, marry one, have kids and all that shit...doesn't mean it's right for me and on the same token, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that my relationship with God is any less important or great than yours is.

One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from Dogma.... "Jesus, I know Jesus...nigga owes me 20 dollas." lol.

But anyway I called my mom after the talk I had with Gma gave her only the details she needed (though I don't know what will come of it....at least she and dad are on vacation this week) it's just me and Aunt Melissa and Gma this week.... I also filled Mandi in on some of the details. For now, the dust has settled and as much peace that can exist, has moved into the house.

Yep...I'm such a damn mediator...but when it comes to my personal life I can't seem to figure shit out or make things function as smoothly...it baffles me sometimes.

the hurt that lingers

I considered for a moment to give up blogging. It was last night and she had said the most hateful thing to me. It was something that wouldn't have phased most people, but for me cut deep.

"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"

I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.

I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.

My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.

There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.

I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.

A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.

At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.

I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.

My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.

I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.

I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).

I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.

Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.

I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.

When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.

The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.

We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....

It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.

I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.

My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.

It would've been

It would've been 4 years on July 2nd. 4 years.... in dog years a great deal, on a normal day not that long for many. We were together almost three years when it all fell apart for the last time. We had fought off and on for the last year, but always managed to come to terms and be back to "normal" for at least a breif period before the fights started all over again.

We started as coworkers, she was in a relationship and I had barely come out of the closet to the world. There was an instant attraction but she was very much involved in her happy relationship, and I'm not the type to break that up. I moved away to Nashville, the following week she and her fiance moved to NY (where she was from originally). A brief six months later, I called my mom from Nashville and told her I was going to move home and live with Grandma (Grandpa had been dead about a year at this point I suppose)...I was homesick and while I enjoyed my stay in Nashville and made some great friends there, it wasn't me. Too many cowboy hats and not enough sand and waves. It turns out that she had moved back, alone, a week prior to my return.

She worked for the same company my mom did at the time and I was cutting hair while trying to get in at the company as a branch manager. Mom told me that she had talked to her and she needed a haircut and gave me her number to set it up. I met her at her apartment, barely any furniture to speak of as she was still trying to get settled in. I cut her hair and left...I remember she paid me in rolled coins, I laughed if off and said she didn't have to pay me but she insisted.

The next week we decided to hang out and have a bite to eat...it was sort of a date I suppose and I remember not even being able to stand her that night. She was such a smart ass (even more so than me) and always had to be right. There was a song playing on the speakers of the restaraunt, I said it was one group, she said another....and swore she was right. We made a phonecall and she of course had been right. Dammit. I told my mom that it felt like being on a date with my sister or brother because of the little playful bickering that occurred...it was really quite annoying.

The weeks progressed and we spent more and more time together as the days went on. One thing led to another and we were in a full fledged relationship. I'd stay at her place from time to time, she'd stay at mine...We'd put in a CD and dance right in the living room or bedroom it didnt matter, but we danced a lot....always slow--it was much like meditation while standing if that makes any sense. The first time I went to end it (I can't remember why) I remember us both crying, her hysterical, back to the wall, sliding down it and sitting, holding her knees rocking and asking why...begging for another chance...and me unable to stand my ground because of how I hated to make someone else feel bad. Things would be good again for a while, but before too long we were at the same point yet again.

We broke up for a month once, there wasn't a day I didn't think about her and I couldn't tell if I was just feeling guilty for breaking up with her or if I truly missed her...I went out for drinks with a couple of buddy's of mine. We got wasted...I should have never driven in the first place, but there I was behind the wheel and at her apartment. I knocked on her bedroom window, no response, I got back in my truck and came home...I couldn't leave matters alone so I ended up drunk emailing her instead. It turns out that she was scared to death to come to the window because it was like two in the morning and she didn't live in the safest neighborhood she thought for sure she was going to be shot. We met for lunch a couple days later and before I knew it, a few weeks later I offered for her to move in with me and grandma (she was having some money troubles and had just started a job out closer to where I live, I figured she could save some money)

At first things were gravy. We picked out paint colors together, we took turns deep cleaning, but were anal enough for the place to never get messy in the first place, we bought a clothes line and installed it so that we could cut down on energy costs and everything...we were the perfect team. Then it became apparent once again that things were not perfect and this was no fairy tale. We fought all the time again, I hated her dog, this hoity toity miniature schnauzer who constantly shit in grandma's antique room and whom she never disciplined...she was overly clingy, hated my friends, and couldn't stand the thought of me going anywhere where she wasn't. I tried to introduce her to my friends, but she came off as a cold bitch...my friends referred to her as the "ice queen" which sucked because I loved her and I wanted them to see the good things that I did...but more and more the good qualities faded away.

The breaking point came that November. We moved the upstairs around and instead of having a bedroom and living room, we had two bedrooms. We no longer could stand to sleep in the same room and even sharing counterspace in the bathroom at the same time became an awkward hassle.

I told her that i understood her situation and knew she couldn't afford to move out at the time, and that we just needed to do whatever it took to make things as less stressful as possible. A few days before I was supposed to go out of town for the weekend for my sisters graduation, she told me she was moving. She told me she'd have her stuff out before I got home on Sunday night.

She was right. I got home and her things were gone, the key sat on the table and not even a note was left...it was officially over, almost six months after we had called it quits. There were a few times after that that we attempted to hang out as friends but I could always see that look in her eyes--the one that said she was heartbroken, but tolerated the hurt just to spend time with me.

In september she finally told me that she had to cut her ties completely in order to move on with her life and I told her I would respect that (even though it really hurt.) I was the one that had ended it but it still hurt every damn day. It's hard to explain, but I am not the type of person that can tolerate constant fighting just to be with someone. I got a frantic call from her around December and she tried to give me a heads up that she had been seeing this girl and that she ended up being a psycho and had my phone number and was threatening to call me and tell me awful things which weren't true...I explained to her that she shouldn't be with someone who threatened her like that and that I wouldn't answer or acknowledge any phone numbers from a number I didn't know. She told me she still loved me and I explained to her that I loved her too, but not in the way that she wanted me to. I was in a relationship already.... I sent her a happy birthday text and she thanked me for acknowledging her b-day....

That was the final communication, over seven months ago. There isn't a single day that I don't think about her (not in a I want to be with her sense, but in a I wonder how she's doing...) I miss her friendship. We both agreed that we made awful girlfriends, but fabulous friends and it's hard to lose your best friend....thats the second one to have lose (the other was my best friend from kindergarten to first year of college--we had a huge falling out and never recovered)...

I had a dream about her Saturday morning and woke up with an uneasy feeling. I couldn't take it anymore. I sent her a text that said..."I don't expect you to reply, I just had an uneasy feeling and wanted to check and see if you were okay and that things were fine."

Her: (a few minutes later) OMG, I'm shaking--I can't even find the words to explain how shocked I am to hear from you

Me: Well I didn't want to hinder you after we established that I was holding you back

Her: You never hindered me Tommy, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. In many ways you still have a hold of my heart, but I thank you for letting me go the way that you did

(One of the reasons I ended it was because she always used me as an excuse to not better herself...she wanted to accomplish so many things and I ultimately held her back, though not on purpose)

Me: I never wanted to be another Candyce (her ex fiance of 5 years that ended up leaving her for a man...she never fully recovered from that) but you know we made each other miserable...I miss our friendship though

Her: Yeah, I miss it too, that's like the only thing we really ever agreed on, I don't hold any ill will towards you Tommy, I understand now it was for the best

Me: Well we need to get together sometime and catch up, I'm sure we have a lot to fill each other in on

Her: Yeah I'm back at (insert name of our old company here), long story, don't ask and I'm taking a real estate course which feels like its taking forever to finish...you done with school yet?

Me: I graduate in October and still work where I was last, I'm going to be an Aunt soon and Granmda fell and broke her leg...she's still in a wheelchair

Her: I have my 15 year reunion coming up and I'm planning a trip to NY the first weekend in August...man I'm getting old--tell everyone I said hi for me

Me: I will and I'm serious about catching up, don't get the wrong idea though it's all totally innocent

Her: I see you still come with disclaimers...It's a shame that you can't see where you are going wrong until it's already gone wrong and there's no turning back

Me: It is what it is--hindsight is 20/20

Her: How did I know you were going to say that....

Me: Because I'm unfortunately the same person I've always been

Her: We all come with stock responses

Me: Well you get back to work, I've got more sleep to get

Her: Well then stop texting me and go to sleep then

Me: Word

And that was it...a few texts back and forth and finally my mind could be at ease on that topic. It's not healthy for my current relationship to be wondering how an ex is doing simply because I miss her as a friend. I really do hope that it wasn't all talk at that we can be friends again, when that friendship ended it was like a part of me died. The relationship portion was collateral damage, the important piece was the friendship. We forced the relationship along for entirely too long...but we both did a great deal of growing up after it ended.

I realized on Saturday, as I sat in my pajamas all day long, in the dark, just being sad and hormonal that i never actually grieved over the loss of her friendship. I had always just kept the thought in the back of my mind and knew that i missed it, but was always too full of angst to acknowledge the pain I felt/feel because it was so easier to trash talk her because of what she did wrong in the relationship (also taking away from having to admit the things that I did wrong in the relationship)... I thought I was done grieving and then I pulled a CD out of the holder in the dark and put it in the player....the lyrics made me cry because it was a song that we always listened to.

The grieving point is over, simply because I can't go on like this. It isn't fair to Jen at all, regardless of the circumstances. I mean I can't imagine how it looks to be so far after the fact and just now acknowledging loss...what does that say about me? Will Jen hate me for it?

such a quitter

Well I quit the hair gig already. I couldnt handle being the "white girl" that wasn't making any money because the "ethnic" clients refuse to let me touch their hair...what the fuck really. Anyway there is just too much going on.

Grandma was moved to a nursing home today where she can be taken care of while her leg heals. I miss that crazy lady. I always talk shit about how she nags me and finds all kinds of stuff for me to do that i dont have time for, but dammit I miss her. Pepper is in mourning, Chino kitty doesn't understand what in the hell is going...we all miss her. Jen has commented several times how quiet the house is without her here...is eerie really.

I'm bummed about the situation. I went tonight to see her and took Jen and Julie with me...after I cooked dinner of course. I generally only cook huge meals when I'm stressed out. I made a meatloaf from scratch (two actually, I took one to my moms house), mashed potatoes, green beans, rolls, and homemade apple crisp. Didn't hit the spot though....still things on my mind. Grandma was sleeping when we got there and I didnt have the heart to wake her. I'm going to go when I get off of work and review the obituaries with her, morbid but she likes to stay in the know when it comes to her friends croaking. She also likes to not see her name in there...that's how she knows she's still alive and what not...

It's going to be a really long time before she gets home...I'll just hold down the fort in the mean time...keep her in your prayers ya'll.

I think tomorrow I'm going to have take a curling iron and fix her hair for her...that will cheer her up I hope, she's quite depressed right now.

It's because I'm white

So I found out tonight that my waterproof mascara was a scam and not actually waterproof. It smeared down my face after crying my eyes out on the phone to Jen. You see, what had happened was:

I worked my second day in the salon. I'm the only white girl in a salon whose clientele is predominately ethnic. No biggie, I was brought in to do mainly walkins anyway--besides I did mainly ethnic hair when I was in beauty school (granted that was several years ago)...

So anyway it was a shitty day anyway. Grandma is gonna be in the hospital for at least a month (on the low side), my uncle's cat had to be put down because when he woke up this morning he couldn't walk and it turns out he had a brain disease (RIP Fred), then I leave one job and go to another (the hair gig), I made seven dollars in tips, yes seven during an 8.5 hour shift and eight patrons...ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. To top it off I was doing this girls hair and everything was fine and to her liking until her mom walked in and flipped the fuck out because a white girl was doing her daughters hair..."I mean I'm no professional but I could do a better job than that at home..." long story short, I spent time in my day doing hair, but because Im white and she flipped out, I didn't even get paid for the services rendered. WHAT THE MOTHER FUCKING FUCK.

Then I get to my mom's house to get my dog because my uncle (not the cool one related to the fred story) is not dependable and even though he said he was going to walk Pepper for me but turns out he didnt...then his wife came to the house but forgot to walk the dog. How do you forget to let a barking dog out of her kennel and put her back. I'm fucking pissed.

Everything is bumming me out, I'm overly tired and I need a second job to pay my bills but I'm going to go broke and crazy working at this salon. I'd be better off flipping burgers seriously. I'm scared shitless, but I don't know what to do. I don't know how to pay my bills without a second job and I'm super scared about the unknown. Right now I don't know much of anything. I'm just spread too thin right now. Way too thin. I can't do school, and work two jobs and do everything else thats going on. I'm going crazy. I really am.

I want to wake up tomorrow and be independently wealthy. I just want everything to be simple and okay. I just don't know what to do...do I quit or do I stick it out?