Weighty woes

The unthinkable happened today.  I was at work.  Sluggish as usual and feeling like shit.  I didn't think it was anything serious (just the usual run down self I've become accustomed to...that doesn't necessarily get excited about going to work anymore.)  When I walked in a couple minutes behind schedule, before I could even check the voicemail to find out how many call outs I was looking at for the day, my cell phone started ringing...it was my least favorite Ops Manager--seriously this dude is a complete dill hole and I have no idea how he's in his position. But at this point it's irrelevant.  He's freaking out because he had about three people not show up and was short staffed in one department.  I got on the phone and began calling all ten people that were told to not to come to work today because they weren't needed, only to ask them if they were available for work that day.  Fucking ridiculous.  Piss poor planning and well long story short my not feeling well in general got worse. 

I called my boss and told her I felt like shit and wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it much longer.  By this point I was having hot flashes and feeling sick to my stomach.  I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away.  Then it dawned on me that I had just vented to my boss, off the record of course that I was so fed up with the way things were at work and that I no longer jumped out of bed to come running into work... I didn't want her to think that I was just bailing, because in truth I really didn't feel well.  I wanted to cry, scream, punch the next dumbass who stepped in my path...I needed to get out of there...even if it meant losing out on potential overtime for the week and not even making my forty hours... (I don't get sick time...I didn't care today...)

I went to the doctor with no specific symptoms, in search of a note...to excuse my absence and because lil man had been throwing up (I felt this was probably stress related, but wanted to be sure since we already had someone in my town die of the H1N1 flu crap... I'm not normally a germaphobe, nor do I give second thought to sickness because I just hate going to the doctor...but with a new baby in the picture, I didn't want to risk anything)

I fell asleep in the exam room waiting on the doctor, who I could hear outside the door in the nurses station discussing lottery tickets and the office raffle or some bullshit... glad to know I'm not dying and not a serious case.  My blood pressure, temp, and weight were all checked prior to my arrival in the exam room.  The results, 118/72, 97 degrees, and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...

From this point to the doctors arrival and in between my cat naps I had had plenty of time to focus on and freak out about my weight.  I flashed back to the time I went to the crotch doc for my normal annual violation and the scales tilted at 223 pounds.  After leaving the office I cried the entire way home as my mom drove...I couldn't believe my weight had reached that point.  Today, about five or six years later I've hit an all time high and I was devastated. Devastated to the point of tears when trying to talk to the doctor.  I had to take ownership in the fact that the reason I feel like shit all the time is my weight.  I have heartburn all the time it seems, even from drinking water--WTF?  I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, I'm slugglish, I never want to do anything, I've isolated myself from friends and social gatherings because it means people seeing me. 

I was mad at myself for crying. I cry at the most random times.  I went from answering the "could you be pregnant" question with a chuckle and explaining that I'm a lesbian and I don't do guys in rebuttle to the doctors usual, well how do you know....to trying to explain how I feel with no symptomatic description that would help in diagnosis at all.

I told the doctor that I felt like stress had a lot to do with how I felt and my weight in general and when I revealed to him that my current weight is at an all time high I fucking lost it.  Cried like a lil bitch, while Dr. Dickhead just watched...baffled.  It was determined that there was no need for labs, which I agreed with because they always come back the same, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just fat... He suggested I look into Weightloss centers of america or another doctor or two that specialize in weight loss medicine, and/or surgery.  When I made the comment, I'd rather just do it on my own...he quickly said, "that's going to be tough" with a face that said, I don't think you have a concept of just how fat and unhealthy you really are. (mind you he suggested something that insurance isnt' likely to cover after he went through the computer and pulled up my information, discovering that I had been to see an endocrinologist earlier in the year for treatment of PCOS, but quit because it was too expensive...I'm still paying those fucking bills and they couldn't get my levels adjusted right so I'm still a hormonal mess and FAT)

I gathered my composure for him to explain to me that I'm 28 years old and that if I continue living with this excess weight on my 5 foot 3 and half inch frame, i'm going to never get rid of this slugglish feeling, I'm going to have health problems that get progressively worse, arthritis in my joints from carrying this weight around, among other things that could potentially lead to early death.  I was done talking to this guy.  Not because I disagreed, but I needed to cry some more and needed to get out while I had the chance.  I grabbed my doctor's note and bolted.  I hit the parking lot in time for the tears to start pouring...I cried all the way home.  I still felt like shit so I decided I was going to take a nap...(naps are not exactly going to solve my predicament, but they generally help buy me time to come up with a plan)...

Jen called me, she had to go and pick up lil man from school because he was throwing up and she was worried about me because of the vague text I had sent her after leaving the doctor's office.  I said somethign about beign fine, just fat.... I started crying on the phone and just didnt want to talk about it...I went down to grandma's end of the house since it was 11 am and she wasn't down in the kitchen yet, I was making sure she was alive.  She was.  I'm not sure what part of I don't feel good I'm going to lay down she didn't understand but thirty minutes later she was still talking, asking me to do stuff and telling me all about everything she's planning on taking on her trip (she's leaving this weekend to see her sister, her brother is picking her up) I finally cut her off and explained, Grandma, I don't leave work often at all because I don't feel well, I've already been to the doctor and I need to go lay down...it finally registered.

I slept for four and a half hours when my mom called and I told her about leaving work early and being fat.  She did the normal, Tommy...stop beating yourself up and I near tears explained to her that I'm at my all time high and just can't fathom how I keep letting this happen. It makes no sense NO SENSE at all.... I came to moms house because she, my sister, and my aunt, plus the baby have all taken a road trip to leave baby daddy in Radford, where he lives, and plan to leave from there in the morning and head to Kentucky to visit my mom's parents so tehy can see the baby--they'll be back Monday, minus baby daddy so I have dog duty.  I get to watch my sister's dogs plus mine, but since Gma is leaving Saturday, i'll probably just load the dogs up so that I can be at my house with them plus mine and get my own shit done...

I went online and finally ordered my stuff from lil man's school fundraiser, I had been putting it off for whatever reason.  Then I went to weight watchers online to check it out.  I've gone to weight watchers meetings before but quit because the leader's voice and CAMEL TOE were equally annoying--plus it was counter productive because everytime I had a good week, I'd go to McDonald's and reward myself with a vat of death... fuck.

I signed up, I paid for one month and got one month free...I have a few meetings to choose from in my area, that aren't lead by camel toe lady and for the first time ever am doing this on my own. I'm not relying on my mom or my sister to do things with me...this is my fight and I'm the only one that can do it for me.  The first meeting will be next week because I've missed the meetings this week already.  I'm excited about this new venture. It's not going to be easy, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do...I can't continue on the same path that I've been headed down.  No room for excuses. 

I will be using my new blog (eventually) to vent, track, etc my progress so that I don't bore anyone with the details... I'm coming clean, I'm going to be honest...blunt even. I have never openly admitted to my weight or pants size...but I am tonight...just because I think it will help me in this process (though I'm not sure the logic behind using humiliation as a motivator)... It's hard when I have such a wonderful woman in my life who looks at me and doesn't see fat or disgusting but beautiful and fabulous...but I have to face the facts....I don't see those things when I look in the mirror and I'm the only one that can do something to change it.  I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality, or being told wow...you carry your weight really well...I'M TIRED OF FUCKING CARRYING IT.

I generally wear anywhere from a 22 to 26 in women's pants depending on who makes them.  My cargo shorts are a guys 46 or 48 (I have a couple in each) and I generally wear men's XL tops which I stretch out at the bottom to keep them from clinging to my gut....2Xs are too big so I'm technically in an in between size kind of girl.... Everything cute is meant for little people and anything past a size 16/18 is like old ladyish... unless you have money fore  Lane Bryant or Torrid or some other fashionable women's clothing stores which I do not.

So here it is, the scale today read 273 pounds.  Ridiculous.  Tomorrow is a new day...I'll be in a better modd and I have a plan.... Weightwatchers is the way to go for me in theory because I can still count points and have a beer when I want one lol.

My brother just stopped by mom's house...I open the door and my nostrils immediately filled with the smell of Pot.  I swear...i would love having a job where I could get high and not have to worry about random drug tests or getting hurt and having to pee in a cup... Don't judge me... I'm anti drug (but I'm a supporter of pot in many situations...since it's natural and all) I don't want any man made shit from some chemical flunkie's kitchen that's goign to potentially kill me.  Fuck that.  But alas...not weed for me.  I have to be responsible and can't risk not having a pay check.

I'd like to lose 123 pounds on this journey...it's not going to happen overnight...so here goes nothing.

Miserable Monday #2?

So I had a brilliant idea last night that involved fasting for three days and then kicking off a new ultimate healthy lifestyle of fruits and vegetables after the three day mark. I woke up this morning and was going to attempt it...

Three hours into my work day I was fighting serious hunger pains and thinking I would die for sure.... at lunch time I went to Subway... lol... who the fuck was I kidding, I so can't NOT eat.

Today was a bad day in general. I just feel icky. I would like to take a coat hanger and remove my ovaries/uterus...the shit is defective anyway and I'm not using it for anything productive...so why have it? I woke up feeling sick to my stomach after not sleeping well. I had a headache but made myself get up and go to work instead. I made my first lap around the warehouse and was pouring with sweat....the fever I was rocking certainly helped that along... my boss was like whoa... you don't look good... I kept working anyway...

The headache got worse...subsided for a minute but then came back with a vengeance... ugh. Fucking migraines... I got home with the headache even worse.... my uncle was in the driveway and wanted to talk, I essentially told him as politely as I could manage to shut the hell up I need to vomit...hey, I wasn't lying. I told grandma the same...she mumbled something about my flow? or some 1850s hip slang referring to God's warped sense of humor, aka a PERIOD... wtf?

I got sick, curled up in my dark bedroom with Pepper... Chino joined us after a few minutes and I was out. Woke up, tried to grab a sandwich before my class meeting...only to get sick again... what the hell is going on. I feel like shit. My head STILL hurts. and I get this stabbing pain in the dome piece that makes me dry heave... I don't get it. But I need to blog...since I'm addicted and all... so it is what it is.

Moral of the story is... my mom, aunt, and preggo sister have opted to do Weight Watchers and count their points... I have to dig all the info out so that I can start...for now I'm not real concerned since by definition I'm bulemic today... ugh.

Why did my vacation have to end... and why didn't I get a say in this whole fucking uterus situation. Fuck me in the ass sideways... (not really).

Miserable Mondays

I'm tired...no I'm effin' exhausted...I made it through midterms okay...got As on them all...yay for being a geek. But I stayed up too late because I just wasn't tired...then had to get up and seriously had to force myself to even function this morning.

If it hadn't been for restarts starting today I would have called. Who am I kidding...as much as I loathe Mondays, it's payroll day and I can't leave folks hangin or run the risk that their hours are wrong. Don't let me fool you. My presence here doesn't make the world go round. Not many people would miss me. My boss could just call in and check the voicemail from her office in Chesapeake, Time sheets would still be e-mailed to the payroll specialist in Chesapeake...though no one would verify that the hours showing are correct, no one would give it a real second thought....

My eyes are on fire and all I can think about is how I want a nap. I want to go back home and curl up in the bed and sleep for the next nine days. No exaggeration there.

Tonight I have a group meeting though since the fuckers changed it from Wednesday...I shouldn't bitch I'm just so OVER IT ALL RIGHT NOW. I'M BURNED OUT. Senioritis perhaps.

Two of my restarts called out today...really how are you going to call out on your first day back to work? Too many mother fucking people just DON'T WANT TO WORK. They fail to realize that unemployment doesn't pay out if it's their fault they don't come to work...in addition, if they refuse a work assignment PEACE OUT to unemployment period.

It's so ridicuously hot in the warehouse. HOT AS BALLS i tell you...the air is still and it's so humid out there you have to cut a path with a knife just to get through. The heat index is supposed to be 110 today...which means that they may have to stop production depending on how hot it gets in there. Do the math...at 7 am it was already in the 90s, so humid it's difficult to breathe...add body heat, the potential for people to pass out in the containers they are loading/unloading, plus heat being generated from multiple pieces of warehouse equipment and conveyor belts....ugh....this is not going to be pretty.

And me, the genius behind it all, insists on wearing a t-shirt under my work polo (a polo which by the way just doesn't breathe AT ALL)....jeans because I was rushing and didn't have time to shave....can we say I'll be sweaty and crotchety by the end of the day....MISERABLE MONDAY for sure.

I started on the three small paintings I'm doing for my sister. I want them to be done by her shower so I can wrap them, write a sappy note on the back of each and have her open them then. I decided upon a sea turtle, a sea horse, and a whale.... the problem comes into play that I will want to do that stuff instead of homework this week so I'll probably be procrastinating.

The upstairs is destroyed and disgusting and needs to be dusted and vacuumed.

The fan in the attic is broke which means that the upstairs gets and stays super fucking hot because since the attic is half the size of the upstairs and wraps around since no heat is being sucked out...it's leaking into the living area and making it miserable. Gotta call grandma so she can call someone. LIKE YESTERDAY.

I still haven't done the windows of Gmas house which is bad because she already paid me for it...

I hate Mondays....one more week and a couple of days to go before I'm living it large down at the beach....YAY AH!

Monday Madness

So work was productive. I'm going to be trained on more functions of the warehouse (the actual orderfill aspect of things) so that when I have new hires I can coach and help them along more efficiently and help those that are struggling in general.

What I accomplished this evening:

1. Made chicken salad from the leftover chicken from dinner for lunch tomorrow.
2. Made banana nut muffins FROM SCRATCH with a streusel topping sprinkled on top of them.
3. Cut Grandma's hair
4. Gave grandma a manicure
5. Helped entertain Grandma's company
6. Cleaned the kitchen and scrubbed the counters
7. Cleaned out the spice cabinet (grandma had spices that were circa 1960...plenty more that were older than me...I threw the bitches away without her even noticing :) he he he. She'll notice eventually and yell at me, but for real...I can't risk her actually using them when she cooks and killing me....oh no no no..
8. Caught up on my blogging...(had a lot to get out)

I need to go to bed now though considering I overslept this morning and was an hour late for work :(...

Happy Monday...shew...glad it's over

I've gotta get back into work out mode...I fell off the exercise kick a week ago...I'm over a week of no hip hop abs and I feel gross yet again...gotta get motivated. I always feel better when I do....i need to go back to watching what I eat too...blah....

I'd like to buy a tape worm. Seriously...anyone know where I can score this trusty parasite...? I wanna be able to eat and eat and eat and never gain weight. lol. And tapeworms are probably cheaper than crack.

Limbo

I went this morning to my normal 8:45 meeting and was yet again reminded of how easily I am excluded from things at work. I've mentioned before that I'm in limbo with work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do for the most part and what have you, but don't necessarily fit in with a particular category.

At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.

The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.

The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.

Call of the wild

I came home from work today and felt fairly decent. My boss had come to drop off the checks from the main office and I had a talk with her. She vented about things that were weighing on her...apologized and said, you know I don't know why I'm talking about all this right now...I'm like it's all good you needed to get it off your chest.

I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.

She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.

I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.

Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.


I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.

Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.

Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.

But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.

For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.

I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.

Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.

A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....

the hurt that lingers

I considered for a moment to give up blogging. It was last night and she had said the most hateful thing to me. It was something that wouldn't have phased most people, but for me cut deep.

"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"

I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.

I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.

My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.

There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.

I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.

A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.

At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.

I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.

My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.

I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.

I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).

I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.

Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.

I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.

When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.

The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.

We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....

It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.

I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.

My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.

Lather, Rinse, Repeat

I'm in a rut. My life is SO repetitive during the week--always the same. I wake up and my first thought (regardless of the day) is; I can't wait to get this day over so I can come home and go to sleep. That to me is a red flag...who wants to rush their days away--I mean hell I don't exactly know how many I'm going to have, though I hope its many.


I hit the snooze button about seventeen times (I set two clocks the night before, the alarm clock and the alarm on my cell phone x 3) I hit it one too many times, and begin to run late. Mind you, I generally get up to pee by 6 am (this is the ideal time for me to get up and moving) but instead I reset an alarm and curl right back up in bed.


I get up with only ten minutes available to put on clothes, shoes, etc, brush my teeth, wet my hair, put on lotion (perfume optional) grab my laptop bag and head downstairs. Normally, I'd have to then let the dog out to go handle her business and she knows when I'm running late because she purposely takes her sweet ass time doing what she needs to before coming inside, but this week is different because my Aunt stays overnight to help with Gma during the day, so she lets her out. (Side note: Jen has leg room this week because Pepper puppy is a traitor and is sleeping with Aunt Melissa more than she is me, lol) but I digress.


I pour some cereal into a cup, pour milk on top, grab a spoon and head out. By this time its between five minute til I need to be at work to five minutes after I should already have been there. I eat cereral while driving, which is an art I have pretty much perfected I'm proud to say.


I get to work and show security my bag, so they know I'm not smuggling in any questionable items into the warehouse. Unlock my office, boot up the computer, wait as long as I can while prairie doggin' it (because the women's rest room generally isn't done being cleaned until 8) and out of courtesy I don't blow up the other bathrooms because they are much smaller and heavily used. So anyway, then I head out on the warehouse floor, talk to various contractors, say good morning and what not and kill time until the 8:45 meeting which is a daily thing, but rotates between three different meeting places in the warehouse.


Finish there in time for first break (I try to be in the office during breaks in case any of my contractors have issues)--fast forward to later in the day....


Two more breaks down, phone calls made, my boss has checked up on things out here (today was a meeting at 9:30 where we are going to go over the implementation of a new program with our contractors so my boss was on site with me like all day...). At 4 o'clock I put my computer back, let security check it so they know I'm not stealing merchandise from the warehouse, get in my car and head home--mailing any mail for grandma that I was supposed to mail on the way to work that I didnt have time to since I was running late.


I get home and cant help to think how great a nap would be. Grandma fills me in on her day, who died (though she doesnt listen when I say I don't know them) and goes on to tell me about how she knew them and blah blah blah....I go upstairs for a bit and try to get motivated to do homework, shut my eyes for like ten minutes and then here lately my aunt yells that dinner is ready (normally i have to cook, so this is a nice change)...


I eat, then have to wait to digest a bit so I don't throw up after working out... been there done that...not fun at all. Last night I did homework then worked out, but the drawback to that is that I worked out too close to bed so it was another hour after that before I could actually crawl into bed. I of course got wrapped up in Jen filling me in on random "gay" news she found about El Paso, by gay I mean two gay men being discriminated against and thrown out of a taco chain for kissing or something, her reading me some of the blogs of folks she follows and CSI (doesn't matter if its New York, Miami, or the regular one)...


I shower to get rid of all the sweat from working out and to try and relax. Crawl in bed between 11:30 and midnight only to do the same exact thing the very next day.


Sure there are minor things that may change things up but not enough to make a difference. I'm always tired (especially now that I'm working out)--I wasn't going to do it last night but I felt like the guilt trip Id give myself for not doing it would make me feel worse than being tired would. I dunno its weird. I need to figure something out for real.

This rut I'm in is kind of for the birds.


My eyeballs are on fire and feel like bricks are attached to my eyelashes making them heavy. I look forward to Saturday because then I can generally sleep in. It's at the point where I'm considering not having a life on the weekends just so I can catch up on rest...I need to break the habit though because this weekend is an early morning fishing trip opportunity with some coworkers that I dont want to miss out on.

I hate being tired all the time, I just don't understand it. Everyone keeps asking me what I'm depressed about, but I'm not depressed about anything. I've been depressed before... Hell I was treated for being bipolar for years before it was discovered I had a hormone imbalance and hell that hasn't been fixed yet either. I dunno. I've gotta break this cycle. I'm not depressed or hormonal right now...I'm physically and seriously tired... I just want to turn it off. I like to consider myself upbeat but its hard to be lively when you don't have the strength. Blah.