Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

Photo fun day

I'm in the mood for sharing random photos... I love taking pictures in general...doesn't matter what of--EVER.

 

This picture was taken from mom's front yard.  I love clouds and the open sky and sunsets :)

 

A dragonfly on the edge of my flower bed.... the flower bed has a border around it because it used to be a smoke house... It's about twelve inches deep with a concrete base... (it looked prettier than a random square in the yard) If I ever get the mums planted I'll post pics of the flower bed now...

 

I took this pic on one of my Hatteras Island getaway trips... The sports setting came in handy for this shot.

 

Purple Irises are MY FAVORITE... this one was in mom's flower bed...right after a rainstorm...

 

Me and my dad... mom just got word that he's off to Germany this weekend... he's been in Indiana getting additional training since he left at the beginning of August... after Germany... Kosovo for a year, bleck.

 

My last trip to Nashville was in '07.... I was trashed in this picture-- my friends and I hit up a couple gay bars, and some other bars along the way... I wanna say our first stop was Broadway brew or something... i just know it was a long night with lots of drinking... I need to venture out that way sometime soon... (maybe if I get a tax refund I'll take Jen...she'd love it)

 

This picture is from last summer... hehe.  I'm always changing my look.  This one of my louder ones, haha.  After my sister's graduation from Radford we went and got matching tattoos... plus I had another one added that day as well...and got my monroe pierced too...I took out the piercing for my warehouse gig though... two tatts and a piercing in one day was a lil much I might add, haha...

 

Yet another random look.  (I'm in the mood for a haircut but am trying not to, that's why I'm sharing some of my previous random looks, lol...) I want something different.... for this look I glued tracks (extensions) in the front of my hair and razor cut them for a real "emo" look, haha

 

Jen and I in the very beginning.  Lol.  She looks so different.  That was in like month one... she had super long hair, thick Brooke Shield's brows, and crazy long nails... If I recall we were at my brother's house for a bonfire after she got off of work...look at how shy she looked...

A more recent photo... 

That's all for today...I'm procrastinating.  I haven't started my papers yet and I have a meeting for school in a few minutes...I've gotta stop slacking...

LOVE LOVE LOVE

Pepper LOVES LOVES LOVES riding in the car. I took her with me to mom's house this afternoon...head out of the window just taking it all in...new smells in the air--they are harvesting the corn now....I LOVE LOVE LOVE taking her for car rides.


My hair is growing WICKED FAST now... Exciting. I finally broke down and put some highlights in the front of it for a lil punk rock appeal...I LOVE LOVE LOVE the fact I have hair again and I LOVE LOVE LOVE that green Hollister shirt that I bought on ebay for 1.05 plus shipping...


Jen is SUCH A GIRL these days. It's cute. Since we've been dating she's lost the long fingernails, let me chop all of her hair off, she wears make up from time to time, and is even dressing like a girl every now and then (like in non-work situations)... Granted she hasn't done this because I've told her to by any means (that's not how we roll) but I LOVE LOVE LOVE how she goes all out on a regular basis to impress me and always keeps me on my toes...I just think it's adorable :) She's beautiful.... absolutely beautiful !!! I LOVE LOVE LOVE this woman.

This is a picture from my most recent trip to Hatteras, NC. Hurricane Bill was coming in so the waves were choppy and rough, but as always it was beautiful. I LOVE LOVE LOVE the ocean.


I LOVE LOVE LOVE that I just reread the syllabus for one of my classes and I don't have three papers to right after all....just two. One is a 10 page business plan and the other is a 20 page research project which I have opted to focus on some aspect of domestic partnerships being excluded in the business world as far as insurance and other regular every day company perks are concerned. I LOVE LOVE LOVE having less work than originally planned. This is GREAT news.

Shhhh! No talking.

I took this picture at the beginning of the year...it was Jen's first trip to Hatteras....she finally got to see why I love it so much and she too fell in love with it...almost immediately.

This weekend reminded me a great deal of the early months of Jen and my relationship. We didn't argue or have any issues because it was all so new and so incredibly enjoyable. We are still new in comparison to many, still approaching our one year together...I think that the best part of this weekend was the fact that for now we just agreed to disagree in a way. It's like we both long to be near each other but sometimes analyze shit to death and take the fun right out of it.

I have a hard time in relationships because I want things my way and my way only the majority of the time. I get so pissed off over the littlest things sometimes that I lose sight of the "big picture." It's not all about me. Granted, I do want to be happy and I absolutely refuse to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone...I've done that before. I guess when I saw my current relationship headed down the same path as a previous one...I freaked out. I had to really look at the situation and figure out where I was going wrong. No, I don't have all the answers, nor was I enlightened with some super secret knowledge that very few know....what I did realize however is that I am indeed the only common link between my current relationship and my past relationship (the one that is of any circumstance anyway)...

How do you tell someone that you really enjoy their company MOST of the time but that you have phases where you don't want to be around them (not because they've done something wrong...) but because your overwhelmed and don't want to take things out on them. You'd think it would be easy to just say those things...but it's not.

It seems that feelings get hurt and people often take it personally if you don't want to spend every waking moment with them. I'm a strong supporter of remaining an individual while still having a successful relationship. I want to do things that I enjoy and for Jen to do things that she enjoys and then to also have things that we enjoy doing together. For instance she likes to shoot hoops...I can't stand the thought of playing basketball...ugh..not to mention I'm like three feet tall compared to her, haha. But I have things that I like to do by myself, or just hanging out with my sister or whatever...there are things that we do together as well.

I guess for me it's difficult to not always be in control. When things get out of hand in my life (i.e. when I get stressed out because of family, gma, school, work, all of the above plus some....) I no longer have that "pretend" control that I always try to have...and it all goes down hill from there. That's when all of a sudden things that on a normal day wouldn't bother me at all becomes my focus and eventually I cause a fight and make it the emphasis of my argument.

Long story short, I own the fact that I'm not an easy person to date and I'm not the best verbal communicator. I do however have to give it to Jen for being patient overall... and willing to let me take a few days and just not communicate with her. Don't get me wrong, we still talked and had phenomenal dirty kinky porn style sex, but we didn't analyze anything or talk about any "issues/problems." We just enjoyed each others' company and had a good time. Sure eventually we'll talk, but I'm glad that I was finally just able to say, "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I want to talk about all that stuff...I want to focus on x, y, and z and just enjoy your company..."

I'm finally at the point where I feel like I can say I don't want to talk about "it" lets talk about something else or just do anything but..." and it will be okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I can say that I won't or cant talk about something and it's okay...eventually I'm going to talk about it, but I know how I am...and if I force it or am forced to discuss something when I'm not ready or not at a point where it's mentally feasible...it's going to be a bad situation.... something will come from nothing and I'll end up flipping out for no visible reason.

For now I'm content...I had a great weekend and I'm back to feeling like I have a wonderful woman in my life (granted she hadn't done anything for real to warrant me feeling otherwise...) I just needed to be able to not try and explain shit and analyze it to death....

Things are back to the way they should be. And we've planned our next trip to hatteras...towards the end of August....good times....

Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuin

Ramblings

Shit has been weird to say the least. I've been in a strange funk...its like there is a haze around me that I have a hard time functioning during these times. Its a lot like wearing glasses that are smudged that just won't come clean, no matter how much you clean them.

It has affected my relationship much more than I'd like to admit. In past relationships I was this way and well we see where that got me. I at one time deeply cared for and loved Stephanie, my ex...as time progressed we were always at each other's throats... I hated her dog and got to the point where everything she did including breathing urked the living shit out of me. Was she doing anything out of the ordinary (not really) granted she hated how close I am with my family and couldnt handle not being the "center of my universe." Unfortunately, school, family, etc seem to always come before my relationships. We were doomed early on and I for some reason clung onto it out of fear of huring her....what about me? I mean hell, I really was holding her back and actually was her enemy (though not on purpose)...but enough about that....We've been offically over for a year and a half now and haven't lived together for well over a year now. (keep in mind all this is leading to a point)

Then there was the short stint with Maggie...at first it was fabulous... probably because it seemed to be what i needed at the time. Turns out I got over that rather quickly, but again...grew tired of being unhappy yet felt obligated to stay...I never want to be the bad guy...so I convinced myself that everything would be fine... Planned a "romantic weekend" down in Hatteras...she spent it stoned the whole time (which only pissed me off because I wanted to be stoned too and couldnt because of work)...I asked her to be my girlfriend because in my mind I had already committed to the concept of her and I so just went with it...later that night I couldnt sleep...I had someone else on my mind.

Jen entered the picture...and I enjoyed talking with her and everything about her. I didn't end it with Maggie to be with Jen, but the timing came where I knew that I wasn't being a good girlfriend if laying next to one woman I was thinking of another and I just got tired of being unhappy with her and constantly wondering if she was fucking someone else and then trying to convince me she wasn't....

I fell hard and quick and Jen. End of story. Problem? I'm having a problem breaking old habits. I still love her...everything about her, but I have a tendency to get into these hazy funks as mentioned earlier in this blog...when this happens I often get rather stoic--incapable of showing any emotion. My communication skills are limited to knitpicking and "attacks" for a lack of better words. Its like I hold shit in and when I got to talk to Jen it comes out like I'm attacking her when the stuff I'm talking about really doesnt bother me i just need something to bitch about or something....I dont know how else to explain it.

I mentioned to my boss this morning how I'm such an awful girlfriend and How I feel destined to fail in all relationships because my priorties aren't where other peoples are. I will always drop nearly everythign to do for my family... (though I'm sure that would be alieviated some if I moved away from them) Of course then I'd have to battle with homesickness like I did when I moved to Nashville...school is of huge importance to me. The other biggie in my life is relationships...though I guess in comparison to the other two by the time I get to that one, I'm already spead thin.

I need to pick my battles and spread myself more evenly through out. My weakness is I have a hard time saying no. It's easier to just say sure, or yes to keep everyone else happy...very few people see the effect it has on me and how stressed out I get from "biting off more than I can chew and what not."

So my boss pointed out a seriously crucial point that I had overlooked. Basically, she said, "Tommy you can't change people..." I was like I don't want to change her, I just have moments where I can't turn off my anal retentive tendencies and get irritated at an empty bottle sitting on the table, or a wrapper left out rather than thrown away. My boss was like, "dude" throw it away then. If you don't like the way something is, stop trying to change her (since really she's not the issue) and clean it up yourself so it's like you want it.

Well damn, why didn't I think of that. Because I'm in a fucking haze that's why. I would rather be this "empty" stoic ass that makes her girlfriend cry than just realize I have what's in front of me before its gone. It takes a special woman to be with me and I'm not going to lie, I worry that Jen will just get to the point where I've been before in relationships and be like fuck this wack job...I'm out...

I can't live in fear or add to my already long list of insecurities. I can be happy to have such a wonderful, fabulous, sexy woman in my life...one who makes me smile from the inside out...one who is aware of my flaws but doesn't focus on them or fret over them....one who I love.

My mental to do list now includes correcting my behavior so that history does not continue repeating itself. I'm not a bad person, I'm just complex sometimes. It's hard to explain shit sometimes, in general and especially aloud.

Hmmm.

why i love her

So Jen and I both have some sort of creepin crud... perhaps the swine flu, lol...

We both have this dry persistent nonproductive cough...and its driving her bonkers. I bought some alkaseltzer to loosen the shit up in our chests and "quiet" the cough...

Well she's over in the chair playing with her new Nintendo DS (she's so spoiled when it comes to her electronics) I'm watching Pretty Woman, cuddling with Pepper and catching up on stuff on the computer...

Well to get to the point of the blog...Jen has been putting off taking this alka seltzer for like an hour now...she takes one swallow and then dry heeves....her reaction to things can be so animated sometimes and I don't know why but it makes me laugh from the inside out when she does that dry heeving thing.

I farted once and she walked into it and did the same thing and I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. That my dears is one reason why I love her.

Strange

It's strange to me being so completely in love.

Relationships I've been in in the past I used to hope and pray for some opportunity to come about so that I could have a break from the other person. I wanted them to go out of town for work, go and see their family, ANYTHING and everything just to leave me the hell alone sometimes and give me my space.

I am experiencing for the first time something new. When Jen told me she had to go out of town for a work convention I didn't think much of it. I figured I'd be too busy to notice or I'd just do some me things and keep it moving with no second thought. What I'm finding instead is that I feel like a piece of me is missing.

I don't like admitting shit like that because that means that I'm vulnerable and that her love has some type of power over me which in the long run would mean that she in a way renders me powerless, no matter how much control I want tend to "pretend to have". (what it boils down to is I'm a control freak. I like to think that I'm in control of my emotions and my surroundings and my life and admitting things like this just prove even more that I'm by no means in control of much of anything).

In this situation it's okay. I'm okay with this feeling. I like being a "bitch" to her love. Lol. But seriously, I need Saturday to hurry up and get here. I just want to hug her and hold her and curl up with her and be in her arms. I can't talk openly with her on the phone right now because I don't want to upset her in between her meetings or have her worrying about me. It's one thing for me to just miss her and want to be selfish with her time, but I'm not willing to have her not enjoy herself while she's gone. I mean it's Vegas for shit's sake. Suck it up and be a big girl Tommy, she'll be back soon.