Anniversary Weekend Picture Highlights (Day 1)

 

Getting ready in the morning, I was attacked by lil man and pepper...ha

We made it down to Salvo, NC (on Hatteras Island) Friday night about 8 or 9.... We unwound and got ready for bed...watched a couple of movies and just relaxed.  It was friggin' freezing.  Saturday morning we woke up, took our time getting ready and decided to take a trip to Ocracoke, NC (which requires a 40 min ferry ride) and what not... We were off... Jen, lil man, Mandi, the baby, and myself... I was excited.

I didn't realize that Jen had never been on a ferry ride and when I looked at her and gasped, "REALLY?!?!?" She was quick to remind me that they had no real need for ferries where she was from, since it was all mountains and all...Oh yeah...my bad... so this made me even more stoked to share with her and lil man.

 

 Jen was lookin' fierce as always...

 

These are lil cottages you can rent... they are on a little side street called Eagle Pass right before you get to the ferry to go to Ocracoke...they always make me smile :)

 

This one was lil man's favorite... I might have to check out renting one of these someday, when I have money of course.

 
 

On the ferry... lil man was loving it... Jen loved it too overall, but the waves made her head hurt after a while :(

 
 

I love this picture.  The weather was beautiful, mid 70s that day and just sunny and awesome... I was happy to see how both Jen and lil man really dug the ferry experience.

 
 

The fam, lol... I'm glad Mandi went too... she had a good time with us, but was also cool enough to play photographer so I have some pics with all three of us instead of all of them just one or the other

 
 

Really Jen?, lol

 

HEEEEEYYYYY!!!

 

He said he could see our house, and the zoo, and some giraffes, and a shark (I didn't have any quarters for him to see anything, but hey, at least we know his imagination works :)

 
 

The water from behind he ferry

 
 

Can we discuss the fact that Lil man is straight chillin' in this pic, ha

 
 

Tell me those two aren't having a blast...

 
 

Ferry ride back...

 

I love this picture

 
 

We've decided that these ladies are lesbians, for the simple fact that I think it'd be a cool lesbo job to have :) This was a ferry that was docking next to us while we were getting ready to go

 
 

Two guesses as to who had the time of his life :O)

 

It cracks Jen up to hear me say Chicamacomico (Chica- mah- com-eeh-co) 

 
 

I love this picture as well...damn I'm good, ha

 
 

Day one draws to a close...

We all ate at Howard's Pub on Ocracoke Island, I love their burgers, Jen fell in love with the fries... When we got back to the beach house, lil man decided that he wanted to stay with  my mom ... so Jen and I took the opportunity from some alone time and for our anniversary dinner we went to Lisa's Pizzaria (sounds classy huh)...I can't help it, Jen is now hooked on their Fried Broccoli... it was her pick :) It was a great day. We talked and held hands and laughed and smiled, and cuddled (though ended up having to sleep in separate beds because the old school mattress dumped her in the crack next to the wall everytime I moved (and I'm a tosser and turner)... ha, plus Pepper is a bed hog.

While we were in Ocracoke earlier in the day, I finally found the shop that I had been to years before that had a lil silver pelican charm that I wanted... Jen bought it for me which I thought was AWESOME... it was meant to be, me and that pelican... now I just have to get a chain.

Jen asked me what the deal with me and pelican was and I explained to her while we were sitting on the beach the following the day that I just love how they are graceful and elegant when in the air... but how when they land or attempt to catch a fish in the water are often the most uncoordinated, clumsy, hot mess you've ever seen... simply put--I can relate :)  She laughed and said she could understand how I saw the correlation :) hehe.

I'm so in love with this woman.  It's amazing to me how even when we stay at the beach with my mom, aunt, uncle, sister, and neice, plus four dogs, we can still manage to have a great time and feel at ease, and not want to leave at the end of the weekend.  I'm lucky to have had this getaway my whole life (it used to be grandma's and now it's my parents...) it's not fancy or elaborate, one story and two bedrooms, quaint... but its ours... and I'm lucky to have jen to share it with.  I love how she has fallen in love with the things that I myself have enjoyed for as long as I can remember... to think... before me, she had never even truly seen the ocean :) Now she's a beach bum addict like me :)

More photos to come.

Ode to Jen

It's hard to believe that November 8 marked Jen and my one year anniversary. 

This is huge.

This song reminds me of Jen...It's kind of always been our song...since it's one of the few we agree on, ha :)

She's recently turned me on to this song:

I remember hearing this song with her back in the very beginning...this is a FABULOUS SONG...

It's impossible to hear that song and not think about her and how wicked great she is.

Dear Jen,

I remember sitting down at the computer (back in the days when I was addicted to myspace and NOT blogger...) I wasn't in the mood to go to mom's to use the computer, so I had logged into grandma's computer, using Juno of all things.  Yay, dial up... New messages... SCORE! excitement.  Who is this chick... I asked myself. 

The message you sent said something to the extent of how beautiful I am (hello, compliments, flattery... quickest way into my pants--ha) I checked your profile before responding... it didn't say whether you were gay or straight and I saw pics of a kid and wedding photos but no groom (I was confused)... and I remember asking, "So what's your story" (after thanking you of course)--it was my politically correct way of saying, so are you a dyke or what....

I soon figured it out.  I found myself in a shitty situation where I had just asked the current to be my girlfriend after months of being pissed off and irritated at her constant pot smoking and weather channel watching...and I remember laying in bed next to her at the beach house and not being able to think of anything but you... (I hadn't even met you)...it was innocent. You were no homewrecker and were content in just being friends... Later that week I broke up with her... I feel like you always feel like it was your fault.  But in reality it was just a matter of time before it happened.  I wasn't happy and I didn't trust her.... Within a matter of a week or two we were both fighting with the desire to tell the other those three words... "I love you."

We both knew that it wasn't "natural" to fall that quickly...we tried to be logical but yeah, we said fuck it and took a chance.  Both of us guarded and craving the other like that attention would go out of style...

What a great decision we made.

Remember the beginning?

Wasn't that the first trip to meet my folks?

 

I fell in love with lil man early on as well... That long hair kills me... and remember how long your finger nails were... you soon graduated to "real" lesbian status, not porn lesbo, hahaha

 Our first trip to Hatteras, NC

What a good New Year we had...

I love how even my family LOVES you... they just can't get over how I'm my true self around you (they are in awe that you can still love me considering, hell so am I)

Having a blast at my brother's house... my shaved head seems so long ago...I love that we can laugh so much and at the most random things

I love how your lips fit perfectly against mine... how your lips are always soft and never chapped and the fact that you are phenomenal kisser...

Playing dress up...I again will go on the record and state that I LOVE LOVE LOVE your hair short... you're a friggin' hottie and I love how you pretend to not know it, ha ha

At AJ Gators after you got out of work.... (obviously you see that these photos, like my thoughts aren't exactly flowing in any particular order....)

Rawrrrrr.....

A girl after my own heart...

Yes...those boobs were smooshed against my face a lil bit after this picture....hahah (nothing like a quickie in the bathroom in the middle of a going away party....)

Post quickie (that's a glow, we aren't oily, haha)

Hehe...then this weekend...god you are such a goof ball :) Luckily your tongue sticks out farther than it does in this picture hahah...

The most recent picture of us, from this weekend....

What it boils down to is that there is never a dull moment with you.  I love how we can just lay in bed together and talk or saying nothing at all and still communicate. I love how your skin feels against mine... I love the sound of your voice and how you try and make things all better when I'm upset, emotional, or just down right bat shit crazy.

I can't even find the words to describe how I truly feel.  I just hope that I do a good enough job of showing you EVERY SINGLE DAY... I never want you to feel under appreciated.  I am so lucky to have you in my life.  I'm happy you found me :) lol. I never thought I'd find someone that could be my rock... I pretend to be hard core and unbreakable, but as you have found I am not made of stone and I wear my heart on my sleeve...THANK YOU.

I look forward to many more great years ahead...

I love you A LOT.

Totem pole

So I broke down on Saturday night.  I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long.  I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.

In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.

Then she said something that caught me off guard.  The conversation went like this:

Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list

It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything.  I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...

(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)

The conversation continued:

Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha

What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed.  I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either.  I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man. 

I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things. 

I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months.  I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend.  If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure.  Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes.  I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....

I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...

The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that.  This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one.  She deserves better than that...so much better than that.

Faux mom

So I've mentioned before that I agreed to help Jen out with lil man on Thursday nights since that is her late night at work... Tonight was the first night and well Jen might kill me.

Don't get me wrong, I did a fine job with lil man (as always if I do say so myself)--the lil guy loves me and I'm not going to lie, I really like being one of the two super heroes in his life.  I say it that way because lil man refers to us as MOMMY and TOMMY which just makes me smile and makes me think of Batman and Robin, or Spongebob and Patrick... a dynamic duo in our own right.

The reason Jen may kill me is because while she was out I decided to rearrange her bedroom to unblock the chi that was trapped in it.  Since I've known her the only thing she has moved was a single cabinet.  I can't help it...the way it was arranged always kind of irked the living shit out of me.  Before it didn't matter because we were too busy having sex for me to give a shit about feng shui... it still shouldn't matter because we still have lots of sex, just from the comforts of my place instead.... today it was an issue because well I just couldnt take it anymore.  My class meeting wasn't until 9 and lil man didn't have to be in bed until 8:30... I had an hour to kill and well I chose rearranging her furniture as a way to procrastinate even further on my paper.

The kicker is that now that I've rearranged her room I realized that subconsciously I was testing the waters.  Testing us.  We hit ten months, so yes...still fairly new compared to others, but dammit you have to start somewhere.  I am ridiculous when it comes to rearranging furniture...I move shit around like every two weeks...just for the hell of it or when things just feel chaotic in my life.... I guess that on some weird level I wanted to be able to see if she could handle that about me.  She knows that I do it to my own stuff....but with me having plans to eventually move in with her sexy ass when the time is right.... I have to know that she can handle me doing it to her shit as well, lol.  I need a hobby.

I didn't go through her stuff, just moved the big stuff and piled her personal stuff for her to go through on her own... maybe it will be okay...I'm anxious for her to get home so that I can see her reaction.  Hopefully she wont freak out. 

I dunno, I've said it before...I have no desire to have my own kid, but I'm in love with a woman that has one and I love him too....I like being a faux mom... a second mommy... I can be there to help, I discipline when necessary, but really what it all boils down to is that I'm this chick that hangs out with his mom all the time and loves the two of them, can transform his transformers, most of the time on command, and LOVE legos... lol...I'm his pal. 

I'm many things to many people...but to these two I feel pretty damn awesome and wicked special.

the hurt that lingers

I considered for a moment to give up blogging. It was last night and she had said the most hateful thing to me. It was something that wouldn't have phased most people, but for me cut deep.

"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"

I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.

I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.

My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.

There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.

I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.

A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.

At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.

I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.

My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.

I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.

I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).

I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.

Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.

I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.

When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.

The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.

We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....

It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.

I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.

My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.

Room to breathe

So I go through periods where I just need space. I want to be disconnected from everyone and everything. This can be a hard concept while in a relationship. How do you tell the person you love and the woman you are with that it's nothing personal, but you just need space. It makes you seem sketchy and like something is up most of the time.

I've always been like this and unfortunately, in the past when people push me during these periods I've been known to just call it quits so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm trying to improve my communication skills--I really am.

I'm trying to improve me in general (on many levels) so that I can be a more efficient portion of an "us." I am a total supporter of individualism in a relationship and frown upon instances where you become so involved in a relationship or that other person that you lose yourself. I really feel it is important to love yourself and improve the aspects of yourself that you are unhappy with in order to grow as a person, but also improve a relationship and make it stronger.

It's so easy to get caught up in someone else's life, while yours diminshes into the unknown, where it becomes harder and harder to remember the things that you enjoy because you spend so much time trying to do things that the other enjoys.

I'm a good example of this and I think that Jen is as well. Most people are guilty of it, whether they realize it or not. Jen really is a wonderful woman, though I frequently take her for granted. Other things in my life have made me lose focus and I've spent more time worrying over things in general, whether it be work or school, or family or whatever, I've lost the little things, like a simple text that says, "hey babe--I'm thinking about you..." just the little stuff

I've become consumed and filled with angst and unable to say everything that was on my mind because I was scared of how she would react. What it boils down to is if you are afraid of communicating with your partner or you feel like you can't--what the hell are you in the relationship for?

I should be able to tell her anything, no matter how random or scary and know that while her reaction may not be what I want it to be, that it's completely okay to tell her regardless of the reaction and feel better knowing that I made the effort to be open and honest.

I confessed to something yesterday that had been eating away at me for a while now and affecting different aspects of myself and my portion of what goes into the relationship...It wasn't anything detrimental in my mind (like I hadn't cheated on her or kissed anyone, or anything that would warrant serious repercussions) but it was a fib nonetheless and I couldn't not tell her the truth anymore. She handled it like a champ, though she calmly said she needed time to feel her anger (in different words)...but she was glad that I had told her. I'm still paranoid that my telling the truth now will create issues in the future with her wondering if I'm being dishonest or something all the time.

I pride myself in being a bluntly honest person, unfortunately, when I do fib (as rare as it may be) its generally to protect someone's ego or to make them feel better. It would have been better had I just not tried to sugar coat shit back in the day and been honest from the get go. It's like telling someone you like their haircut and then later on going back and being like, "you know I'm sorry, I lied, that haircut is ridiculous, bangs are SO not for you...) Does that makes sense?

I still require a great deal of space. I don't want to feel like I'm married right now and have all of the "expectations" that come with that. Though I love her, Jen is my girlfriend, not my wife and the more that things return back to the "dating" vibe the better off we will both be. Again, this isn't something that is solely her fault you know...But for me, someone who judging from my sketchy relationship past who might just have committment issues...its easier for me to just think in terms of the future in smaller intervals.

For example, part of our conversation last night is that it bothers her how I don't really look very far into the future....its not that I don't look into the future, its that if I put a timeline next to it, then I kind of freak out and sabotage shit. Like I can look into next week and think hey maybe if we have time, (insert really cool activity) would be fun. Or in August, Gay day at Harbor Park...but I have a really hard time saying forever and always because in the past when I have and things fell through--the shit was thrown in my face and I was once again the bad guy.

It's not that I dont consider the future...its just that I do it on my own terms, which is of course different from Jen's because we are not the same person. I have to respect that we are not the same person and that she is going to clean differently than I do, listen to different music than me, enjoy movies that I think are dumb (and vice versa to all of the above).... it is what it is, we are different individuals, but together we make a fabulous "us." I love her and though she deserves much better than me...I have to get her some serious kudos because she is the most patient, understanding person I've ever been with. She rocks my world (I feel like its been a really long time since Ive said that...I should say it more often.)

I'm glad she found me.

Jen and I

I love Jen.

We are such a hot ass "power couple" as she says....(translates to damn we're hot--especially her)...I can't help but look at her and just wanna do dirty dirty things to her...

But she's great on soooo many levels....I just fucking love her.

What do I want?

I've been asked a lot lately What do I want? What do I want in a relationship? What do I want in a girlfriend? What do I want in general? and to be honest, I'm kind of fed the hell up.

What do I want? I want shit to just go with the damn flow. When I have stuff on my mind I want to be able to get lost in my thoughts for a bit and it not "ruin" someone else's day. I want to be able to have an "off day" (which are actually normal for me) and it not be a "Oh shit...Tommy's having a moment thing." I don't have moments. If I'm freaking out over something or just off in general then its for reasons that are serious to me (you may view them as unimportant, but to me that matter.)

I want it to be okay if I don't laugh at everything you think is funny (because dammit, we aren't going to find all things amusing in the same sense.) I want to have my space without worrying about the fight thats going to come because I requested to do something on my own.

I want an independent relationship where I have a life, you have a life, and we have a life together--NOT I have a life sometimes and then all the rest of the time there you are. Sure that sounds harsh...but I want my girlfriend to have a life of her own--one where she goes out with friends from time to time, spends time with her son (when he's with her of course), plays ball to clear her head or just because she enjoys it, has a hobby or something to do and enjoy without me being around.

I want to not feel guilty if I procrastinate and put off homework until the weekend and it interferes with "us" time. I don't want to be forced to talk about shit when I dont want to or I'm not ready because this always results in me getting fed the fuck up and saying anything that will make the conversation come to a close (most of the time this will be off the wall really mean shit.) I want to be able to say the things that are on my mind and vent without it causing issues or make the other person pout for the next three to five days.

I don't want to be relied upon to tell you how great you are, or wonderful, or fabulous, or beautiful or whatever, because dammit I feel like you should know that shit already. I'm not going to just say shit to hear myself talk. I want you to be confident and know that you are fucking wonderful and not lose sight of that just because I don't say it. I want my actions to speak for themselves, whether that be a positive or negative manner.

Sometimes I just don't even want to think about shit much less be "nagged" about it all the time and be forced to participate in converstations that feel like nothing more than beating a dead horse. I don't want you to clean up because you think i'm pissed and at my wits end I want you to do it because you made a mess or you legitimately just want to help out. I don't want you to make efforts to revive a lost spark and do things out of the ordinary in hopes of turning things around...do them because you think that it's a nice thing to do.

I don't want to be the bad guy, nor do I want to keep dragging the bullshit on. I want you to do what makes you happy. I don't want to be changed or altered or anything of the sort. I stated from the beginning that I have mood issues (for a lack of better words) I let you know from the start that school and family are my priorities...why does everything seem to be an issue now? I haven't changed. I've been the same in my opinion.

I feel like here lately if I'm sick then you have to be sicker. If I'm going through a tough time then mine fails in comparison to what you're going through. I get to the point where I just want to yell shut up, I don't care. (Do I really mean that, probably not...)

The fact is that I do care, but the constant bullshit of "Tommy it sounds to me like you just want a friend" type scenario is rather played out. I'm sorry that's how you feel, but why can't you understand the concept that i'm suggesting.

I want it to be okay if I say I'm not up for company because I just want to sleep. (it makes no sense to have you come out to watch me sleep or whatever when its just going to make you bored like you normally are.

I'm tired of feeling angst. I'm tired of the fact that we are forcing this to work. I'm tired of working at it. I've got three papers to write, three weeks worth of studying/homework and three finals coming up only to start my last three classes...My hours have picked back up at work and really I'm just tired all the fucking time. I don't have the energy to continue to try and explain shit because you have questions. I'm in a very self centered state of mind right now and dammit I don't know how to snap out of it. I don't want to do things that seem like chores. I don't want to constantly explain myself or feel like you are checking up on me.

It bothers me that you always want to know who I'm texting or talking to like Im doing shit I shouldn't be. I've never done anything to make you not trust me!!! Never. What's with the damn spanish inquisistion all the time.

I dont want you to get jealous because I'm petting my dog and not rubbing you....

I guess what it all boils down to is despite me having a theory on nearly everything and having stated a good portion of all the shit that's on my mind right now....this will be read and the next question I hear will be "Tommy what do you want?" and this entire rant will have been in vain.

I don't fucking know what I want anymore. I just want to focus on school and try and pay my bills, and hang out with my friends from time to time (which to be honest I've neglected a great deal of them or put if off because it interfered with other things we were doing)... I want to come and go as I please as you put it. I don't know how you can misconstrue everything I say and twist it into something that sounds so entirely awful.

I want my cake and I want to eat it to. My fear is that you'll read this and take the wrong things from it. I rarely feel like "you get me" anymore. I feel like this whole thing is a waste.

I don't fucking know anything anymore and that's about as fucking honest as I can get. I just don't know. But rather than letting the shit take a natural course its like you're going to force me to discuss or make decisions and if that happens, neither one of us will like the outcome.