So I broke down on Saturday night. I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long. I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.
In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.
Then she said something that caught me off guard. The conversation went like this:
Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list
It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything. I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...
(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)
The conversation continued:
Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha
What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed. I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either. I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man.
I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things.
I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months. I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend. If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure. Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes. I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....
I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...
The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that. This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one. She deserves better than that...so much better than that.
Showing posts with label breakthroughs. Show all posts
Showing posts with label breakthroughs. Show all posts
Monday, September 14, 2009
Tuesday, August 11, 2009
Older women
Jen asks me pretty frequently...what's your deal with older women, lol. I can't explain why but I've always been attracted to them...and to be honest I can count on 1 or 2 fingers how many women I've been with that were my age or younger.
She asked me again on Sunday, but I don't remember the conversation...just that it was relevant so I smiled, laughed, and shrugged...I've been giving it some thought and still I'm struggling to put it into words.
My definition of "older women" sometimes is just as simple as being older than me... sometimes the age range creates a huge age gap per se.
In my most recent life there is Jen who is 31... a mere 3 years to my 28.
The "x" before her was 41 to my 27.... a 14 year difference. In this case age worked against us but not in the normal sense--more in the I was the adult and she was the "kid"...she stayed high all the time and only talked about Football, Video Games, or stories from her past that related to some guy she had fucked or what she had done when she was high this one time...or whatever...I was the one trying to have serious conversations...which never worked...besides I wanted to be high too, but couldn't because of my job. She was a wake and bake kind of girl...and if she didn't have pot she was a terror to be around....not cool...
The "x" before her was about six years older than me maybe...I don't remember exactly. My only other "true" long term gig, besides Jen... and that one can't even really only count so much because we were so on again off again in our ways. She had her life on a very serious path, wanted us to have joint checking accounts by this point and her and her towels by that point... I'm anti joint checking account among other things...and my thought on marriage is that I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to prove my commitment to someone. No offense to those that are married and honestly more power to you, it just doesn't suit me at this point in my life.
Rewind a bit further and I find myself recalling my first time. Let me clarify that--first time with a woman. I was always a "good kid," never gave a second thought to not being interested in boys when I was in high school...had something slipped into my drink at a frat party and recall being awake but unable to move or cry out as I was raped and then somehow managed to find my dorm as the sun came up. I didn't tell anyone until years later and because of it went through a phase in my life where I assumed the fact that I never felt a connection with a man was my fault and that the only way a man was going to like me was if I slept with them. I "skanked" out for a while... this turned out to be low self esteem and having internalized all the rage and confusion I had experienced from the rape itself.
In a short time period I had experienced my uncle (who was four years older than me at the time and one of my best friends) committing suicide, finding out my dad wasn't my real dad, a rape (which was also my first time ever having sex), and losing my best friend of 13 years to a misunderstanding)... all in a years time. So right before I graduated high school through the middle of my freshman year of college....it's a lot to digest.
I had been sent to therapy after withdrawing myself from college due to serious depression and the world catching up with me essentially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies...a label that would take me years to escape. (but was later diagnosed as a hormone imbalance that causes serious mood swings)...go figure
It wasn't until I admitted to my mom that all the problems I was having that my parents had assumed had to do with me finding out my dad wasn't my real dad was actually a combination of a lot of things, the rape being the breaking point.
That's when it dawned on me. The church wasn't necessarily right in everything it had been teaching me. I was no longer the founder of my youth group that was saving herself for marriage... I accepted that my lack of connection with men wasn't my fault or a bad thing I was going to hell for.... I was not attracted to them in that way. Period. I didn't stop believing in a higher power, but I stopped living my life according to the church's interpretation of how my life should be lived.
This revelation changed my life. I met this woman... Her name was Wendy. I couldn't tell you her last name if you paid me...that part of the memory didn't stick. I remember hanging out with her a couple of times and then going to her house. I was so nervous but I was sooo attracted to her. She made me tingle in places that no one else had.... I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch... she was polite, knew it was my first time and wasn't rushing me. I recall thinking I was so smooth as I jumped at every opportunity to slide closer to her, the cold leather under my legs.
She eventually took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. She didn't take my clothes off immediately...she let the anticipation build.... she tasted like Marlboros and a hot summer day...I took her shirt off and exposed the most perfect breasts I had ever seen at this point in my life. They were fuller than mine and I just wanted to touch them...curl up with them, take them home and have them forever....
The sex was incredible and it all became official... no wonder everything with men felt so forced... I'M A LESBIAN I thought....oh my god, what are my friends going to think...what, when, how, huh? Panic. Gasp.
She was 31 to my 19...perhaps my attraction to older women began there. We only hung out for a couple of weeks after that... it turns out that we had nothing but sex in common. She was an ex-con with a drinking and drug problem...she did nothing in moderation and was out of control. When I walked in to find her hitting her crack pipe...that's all she wrote. I didn't have time for that... but I was still grateful to her for helping me find my way.
I think the attraction to older women also relates to me not having to be the teacher. I've trained people in every aspect of my career thus far and I don't want to have to do it in the bedroom.... no that can't be it because I've still been the teacher to some....
I really don't know. My grandmother once hinted around to the reason I'm gay is that I was raped and have a fear of men. No, that isn't the case. I love men...as friends, as drinking buddies, to help me move heavy furniture....I don't want to fuck them or make love to them however. I had considered this possibility as well...but know that it's bigger than that.
Women are softer, prettier, curvier, have gentler touches--but can be rough when the time is right....they smell good, and dammit among other things they make me wetter than I ever knew was even possible... but I'll leave that alone as to not embarrass Jen, lol.
With most women there is no sense of "masculinity" or ego that has to be stroked (no pun intended)... for those lesbians that opt for toys or strap ons you know what I mean. Sure, you could get penetration from a guy, but it's not the same... unlike when a man is behind it--a woman pays attention to what feels good, focuses more on the feel good spots, and pays attention to her partners wants or needs.... I won't say all the time...but a lot of the time, in my experience Men spend too much time focusing on what feels good to them, "how macho he can be" and all that shit... I don't have the time...
I can feel good with minimal equipment--alone or with a beautiful woman by my side or below my belly button helping me out. I guess for now my interest in "older women" remains a mystery.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Shhhh! No talking.
I took this picture at the beginning of the year...it was Jen's first trip to Hatteras....she finally got to see why I love it so much and she too fell in love with it...almost immediately.
This weekend reminded me a great deal of the early months of Jen and my relationship. We didn't argue or have any issues because it was all so new and so incredibly enjoyable. We are still new in comparison to many, still approaching our one year together...I think that the best part of this weekend was the fact that for now we just agreed to disagree in a way. It's like we both long to be near each other but sometimes analyze shit to death and take the fun right out of it.I have a hard time in relationships because I want things my way and my way only the majority of the time. I get so pissed off over the littlest things sometimes that I lose sight of the "big picture." It's not all about me. Granted, I do want to be happy and I absolutely refuse to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone...I've done that before. I guess when I saw my current relationship headed down the same path as a previous one...I freaked out. I had to really look at the situation and figure out where I was going wrong. No, I don't have all the answers, nor was I enlightened with some super secret knowledge that very few know....what I did realize however is that I am indeed the only common link between my current relationship and my past relationship (the one that is of any circumstance anyway)...
How do you tell someone that you really enjoy their company MOST of the time but that you have phases where you don't want to be around them (not because they've done something wrong...) but because your overwhelmed and don't want to take things out on them. You'd think it would be easy to just say those things...but it's not.
It seems that feelings get hurt and people often take it personally if you don't want to spend every waking moment with them. I'm a strong supporter of remaining an individual while still having a successful relationship. I want to do things that I enjoy and for Jen to do things that she enjoys and then to also have things that we enjoy doing together. For instance she likes to shoot hoops...I can't stand the thought of playing basketball...ugh..not to mention I'm like three feet tall compared to her, haha. But I have things that I like to do by myself, or just hanging out with my sister or whatever...there are things that we do together as well.
I guess for me it's difficult to not always be in control. When things get out of hand in my life (i.e. when I get stressed out because of family, gma, school, work, all of the above plus some....) I no longer have that "pretend" control that I always try to have...and it all goes down hill from there. That's when all of a sudden things that on a normal day wouldn't bother me at all becomes my focus and eventually I cause a fight and make it the emphasis of my argument.
Long story short, I own the fact that I'm not an easy person to date and I'm not the best verbal communicator. I do however have to give it to Jen for being patient overall... and willing to let me take a few days and just not communicate with her. Don't get me wrong, we still talked and had phenomenal dirty kinky porn style sex, but we didn't analyze anything or talk about any "issues/problems." We just enjoyed each others' company and had a good time. Sure eventually we'll talk, but I'm glad that I was finally just able to say, "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I want to talk about all that stuff...I want to focus on x, y, and z and just enjoy your company..."
I'm finally at the point where I feel like I can say I don't want to talk about "it" lets talk about something else or just do anything but..." and it will be okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I can say that I won't or cant talk about something and it's okay...eventually I'm going to talk about it, but I know how I am...and if I force it or am forced to discuss something when I'm not ready or not at a point where it's mentally feasible...it's going to be a bad situation.... something will come from nothing and I'll end up flipping out for no visible reason.
For now I'm content...I had a great weekend and I'm back to feeling like I have a wonderful woman in my life (granted she hadn't done anything for real to warrant me feeling otherwise...) I just needed to be able to not try and explain shit and analyze it to death....
Things are back to the way they should be. And we've planned our next trip to hatteras...towards the end of August....good times....
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuinSunday, July 26, 2009
R-E-S-P-E-C-T...
I have decided that my ideal job would be that of Mediator. Someone who mediates in any situation ranging from messy divorces to peace treaties and the UN or something...I dunno.
I had noticed lately that Gma seems to have a real issue with my sister. She's always making comments that would indicate that she doesn't even like my sister (and keep in my mind she's not even my grandmother by blood and I'm her favorite...it's weird)...it concerned me. My sister has voiced concerns as well and talks about how "the old bat" as she put it doesn't even like her. She used me as an example and said that if I needed new tires all I'd have to do is mention and bam, four brand new tires. If Mandi mentions needing new tires, grandma cuts out a coupon for tires to give her, lol. (It's true. Gma has bought me new tires before...so valid point)
Well on top of that it seems that everyone and their mom vents to me. I honestly don't have a problem with that until it comes time for me to vent and I feel like I can't talk to anyone (so I blog instead) because everyone has too much already weighing on them as it is. Or if I do talk to them I'm perceived as just being melodramatic. Mom vents to me about the shit that Gma does to piss her off and threatens to smother her in her sleep...(which is funny only because I used to threaten that and mom would say that when Gma dies they are ordering an autopsy because they aren't convinced I wouldn't really do it...wtf?) Here's an example of a similar conversation:
I'm upstairs getting ready to watch a movie and my sister is downstairs so I texted her...
Me: Hey I'm about to hit play, do you wanna watch Transporter 3 or not
Mandi: mom and I are down here on the verge of killing grandma
Me: is that a yes or a no
Mandi: Turn the volume up so when the police come you won't be able to answer any questions
Me: lol
Mandi: lol, and no to the movie, yes to really thinking about hurting Gma
It's apparent that Grandma is putting a little of everyone over the edge at this point. Well I went to sleep on Friday night and had the most jacked up dream. Grandma was reading me an email in the dream (which she is famous for speaking over an entire room of people to ensure that at least one person hears the email that some random cousin of an uncles moms dad sent her..."don't you remember who that is..." no, "oh sure ya do..." blah blah blah blah) I yelled at her in the dream. No, I didn't just yell, I straight up flipped the hell out on her and in the dream, she died shortly after.
I woke up feeling guilty for letting things get so built up to the point that I am having bad dreams about things that are happening in my waking life...so I go downstairs prior to running errands with my sister and I trapped Gma in the bathroom. I literally trapped her. You see the bathroom is narrow, she pees with the door open so I walk in and see she has finished peeing and is now back in her wheelchair in front of the sink. I stand behind her wheelchair looking into the mirror to talk to her, and her using the mirror to talk to me. There was not enough space for her to maneuver or turn around with me standing there so she was trapped and had to hear me out. I did this, not because I'm evil...but because my grandmother has the attention span of a goldfish and I needed her full undivided attention for what I had to say.
I calmly explained that I needed to talk to her and that I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I have noticed some things that were bothering me and that I had concerns with. The topics ranged from my sister and how grandma seems to hate her and how she constantly knit picks with my mom, and how she doesn't say please and thank you, I mean everything.
I made a great deal of progress. It turns out that my Gma had let things that my sister is doing or has done that she doesn't approve of get in the way of normal daily activities. (my theory is that my sister is getting all the attention right now with the baby coming and the attention isn't on Gma so much since her leg is healing and well Gma is jealous) but I digress. I reminded Gma that there are things in my life that she doesn't approve of (the gay thing in a way) but it doesnt make her love me any less and so on. In the end she cried because she said, "I'm sad because I'm too old to hold the baby like I want to." I said grandma, get over yourself, you could be 93 and you're not going to be too old to hold the baby. By the time the baby gets here you'll be driving around and walking on your own...she patted her belly and I used it as a cue to point out that she already had a shelf for the baby to lay on, she laughed....
Her issues with mom have to do with mom always wanting to be right (and Gma being the same way) and neither of them backing down until someone is proved right. My mom is the same way with Aunt Melissa and it gets annoying to listen to but no one, including me likes to be wrong...she commented on how mom doesn't even let her pick out her own clothes....and how mom is so anxious all the time to have everything done just right that she feels like she doesn't have the option to do things for herself like she would like to. I pointed out that she needed to sit down and nicely tell these things to mom so that they could work them out. End of story...she agreed and then told me not to tell mom the things she said...
On Thursday Gma barked an order at me without a please or a thank you after it was done. I called her out on it. I'm always reminding lil man to use his manners...what happened to Gma's I wonder. For a lady that taught 1st grade for years, she should know that these things are essential. I explained that while I understand she's not used to so many people being around trying to help, that she shouldn't stop treating us like people by not saying please and thank you...I said we are not your slaves....we are not cool with you barking orders and doing as told. Just ask us nicely...that sparred another topic...she feels like she doesn't get the respect she deserves from people sometimes...okay again....TELL SOMEONE WHEN IT HAPPENS, IN A NICE TONE AND STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE...you have to give respect to get it....everyone knows that
The talk lasted about 20 minutes and at the end grandma said that she is just trying to guide us in the way the Lord is guiding us. I told her that if the Lord has a plan for us I'm sure he can manage just fine getting his message across without you micromanaging and turning your nose up at something we do that you disagree with. She agreed. I used the whole me being gay thing to prove my point. I told her that just because you think I should be with a man, marry one, have kids and all that shit...doesn't mean it's right for me and on the same token, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that my relationship with God is any less important or great than yours is.
One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from Dogma.... "Jesus, I know Jesus...nigga owes me 20 dollas." lol.
But anyway I called my mom after the talk I had with Gma gave her only the details she needed (though I don't know what will come of it....at least she and dad are on vacation this week) it's just me and Aunt Melissa and Gma this week.... I also filled Mandi in on some of the details. For now, the dust has settled and as much peace that can exist, has moved into the house.
Yep...I'm such a damn mediator...but when it comes to my personal life I can't seem to figure shit out or make things function as smoothly...it baffles me sometimes.
I had noticed lately that Gma seems to have a real issue with my sister. She's always making comments that would indicate that she doesn't even like my sister (and keep in my mind she's not even my grandmother by blood and I'm her favorite...it's weird)...it concerned me. My sister has voiced concerns as well and talks about how "the old bat" as she put it doesn't even like her. She used me as an example and said that if I needed new tires all I'd have to do is mention and bam, four brand new tires. If Mandi mentions needing new tires, grandma cuts out a coupon for tires to give her, lol. (It's true. Gma has bought me new tires before...so valid point)
Well on top of that it seems that everyone and their mom vents to me. I honestly don't have a problem with that until it comes time for me to vent and I feel like I can't talk to anyone (so I blog instead) because everyone has too much already weighing on them as it is. Or if I do talk to them I'm perceived as just being melodramatic. Mom vents to me about the shit that Gma does to piss her off and threatens to smother her in her sleep...(which is funny only because I used to threaten that and mom would say that when Gma dies they are ordering an autopsy because they aren't convinced I wouldn't really do it...wtf?) Here's an example of a similar conversation:
I'm upstairs getting ready to watch a movie and my sister is downstairs so I texted her...
Me: Hey I'm about to hit play, do you wanna watch Transporter 3 or not
Mandi: mom and I are down here on the verge of killing grandma
Me: is that a yes or a no
Mandi: Turn the volume up so when the police come you won't be able to answer any questions
Me: lol
Mandi: lol, and no to the movie, yes to really thinking about hurting Gma
It's apparent that Grandma is putting a little of everyone over the edge at this point. Well I went to sleep on Friday night and had the most jacked up dream. Grandma was reading me an email in the dream (which she is famous for speaking over an entire room of people to ensure that at least one person hears the email that some random cousin of an uncles moms dad sent her..."don't you remember who that is..." no, "oh sure ya do..." blah blah blah blah) I yelled at her in the dream. No, I didn't just yell, I straight up flipped the hell out on her and in the dream, she died shortly after.
I woke up feeling guilty for letting things get so built up to the point that I am having bad dreams about things that are happening in my waking life...so I go downstairs prior to running errands with my sister and I trapped Gma in the bathroom. I literally trapped her. You see the bathroom is narrow, she pees with the door open so I walk in and see she has finished peeing and is now back in her wheelchair in front of the sink. I stand behind her wheelchair looking into the mirror to talk to her, and her using the mirror to talk to me. There was not enough space for her to maneuver or turn around with me standing there so she was trapped and had to hear me out. I did this, not because I'm evil...but because my grandmother has the attention span of a goldfish and I needed her full undivided attention for what I had to say.
I calmly explained that I needed to talk to her and that I didn't want to hurt her feelings but I have noticed some things that were bothering me and that I had concerns with. The topics ranged from my sister and how grandma seems to hate her and how she constantly knit picks with my mom, and how she doesn't say please and thank you, I mean everything.
I made a great deal of progress. It turns out that my Gma had let things that my sister is doing or has done that she doesn't approve of get in the way of normal daily activities. (my theory is that my sister is getting all the attention right now with the baby coming and the attention isn't on Gma so much since her leg is healing and well Gma is jealous) but I digress. I reminded Gma that there are things in my life that she doesn't approve of (the gay thing in a way) but it doesnt make her love me any less and so on. In the end she cried because she said, "I'm sad because I'm too old to hold the baby like I want to." I said grandma, get over yourself, you could be 93 and you're not going to be too old to hold the baby. By the time the baby gets here you'll be driving around and walking on your own...she patted her belly and I used it as a cue to point out that she already had a shelf for the baby to lay on, she laughed....
Her issues with mom have to do with mom always wanting to be right (and Gma being the same way) and neither of them backing down until someone is proved right. My mom is the same way with Aunt Melissa and it gets annoying to listen to but no one, including me likes to be wrong...she commented on how mom doesn't even let her pick out her own clothes....and how mom is so anxious all the time to have everything done just right that she feels like she doesn't have the option to do things for herself like she would like to. I pointed out that she needed to sit down and nicely tell these things to mom so that they could work them out. End of story...she agreed and then told me not to tell mom the things she said...
On Thursday Gma barked an order at me without a please or a thank you after it was done. I called her out on it. I'm always reminding lil man to use his manners...what happened to Gma's I wonder. For a lady that taught 1st grade for years, she should know that these things are essential. I explained that while I understand she's not used to so many people being around trying to help, that she shouldn't stop treating us like people by not saying please and thank you...I said we are not your slaves....we are not cool with you barking orders and doing as told. Just ask us nicely...that sparred another topic...she feels like she doesn't get the respect she deserves from people sometimes...okay again....TELL SOMEONE WHEN IT HAPPENS, IN A NICE TONE AND STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE...you have to give respect to get it....everyone knows that
The talk lasted about 20 minutes and at the end grandma said that she is just trying to guide us in the way the Lord is guiding us. I told her that if the Lord has a plan for us I'm sure he can manage just fine getting his message across without you micromanaging and turning your nose up at something we do that you disagree with. She agreed. I used the whole me being gay thing to prove my point. I told her that just because you think I should be with a man, marry one, have kids and all that shit...doesn't mean it's right for me and on the same token, just because I'm gay doesn't mean that my relationship with God is any less important or great than yours is.
One of my favorite lines from a movie comes from Dogma.... "Jesus, I know Jesus...nigga owes me 20 dollas." lol.
But anyway I called my mom after the talk I had with Gma gave her only the details she needed (though I don't know what will come of it....at least she and dad are on vacation this week) it's just me and Aunt Melissa and Gma this week.... I also filled Mandi in on some of the details. For now, the dust has settled and as much peace that can exist, has moved into the house.
Yep...I'm such a damn mediator...but when it comes to my personal life I can't seem to figure shit out or make things function as smoothly...it baffles me sometimes.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Call of the wild
I came home from work today and felt fairly decent. My boss had come to drop off the checks from the main office and I had a talk with her. She vented about things that were weighing on her...apologized and said, you know I don't know why I'm talking about all this right now...I'm like it's all good you needed to get it off your chest.
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
Sunday, July 12, 2009
It would've been
It would've been 4 years on July 2nd. 4 years.... in dog years a great deal, on a normal day not that long for many. We were together almost three years when it all fell apart for the last time. We had fought off and on for the last year, but always managed to come to terms and be back to "normal" for at least a breif period before the fights started all over again.
We started as coworkers, she was in a relationship and I had barely come out of the closet to the world. There was an instant attraction but she was very much involved in her happy relationship, and I'm not the type to break that up. I moved away to Nashville, the following week she and her fiance moved to NY (where she was from originally). A brief six months later, I called my mom from Nashville and told her I was going to move home and live with Grandma (Grandpa had been dead about a year at this point I suppose)...I was homesick and while I enjoyed my stay in Nashville and made some great friends there, it wasn't me. Too many cowboy hats and not enough sand and waves. It turns out that she had moved back, alone, a week prior to my return.
She worked for the same company my mom did at the time and I was cutting hair while trying to get in at the company as a branch manager. Mom told me that she had talked to her and she needed a haircut and gave me her number to set it up. I met her at her apartment, barely any furniture to speak of as she was still trying to get settled in. I cut her hair and left...I remember she paid me in rolled coins, I laughed if off and said she didn't have to pay me but she insisted.
The next week we decided to hang out and have a bite to eat...it was sort of a date I suppose and I remember not even being able to stand her that night. She was such a smart ass (even more so than me) and always had to be right. There was a song playing on the speakers of the restaraunt, I said it was one group, she said another....and swore she was right. We made a phonecall and she of course had been right. Dammit. I told my mom that it felt like being on a date with my sister or brother because of the little playful bickering that occurred...it was really quite annoying.
The weeks progressed and we spent more and more time together as the days went on. One thing led to another and we were in a full fledged relationship. I'd stay at her place from time to time, she'd stay at mine...We'd put in a CD and dance right in the living room or bedroom it didnt matter, but we danced a lot....always slow--it was much like meditation while standing if that makes any sense. The first time I went to end it (I can't remember why) I remember us both crying, her hysterical, back to the wall, sliding down it and sitting, holding her knees rocking and asking why...begging for another chance...and me unable to stand my ground because of how I hated to make someone else feel bad. Things would be good again for a while, but before too long we were at the same point yet again.
We broke up for a month once, there wasn't a day I didn't think about her and I couldn't tell if I was just feeling guilty for breaking up with her or if I truly missed her...I went out for drinks with a couple of buddy's of mine. We got wasted...I should have never driven in the first place, but there I was behind the wheel and at her apartment. I knocked on her bedroom window, no response, I got back in my truck and came home...I couldn't leave matters alone so I ended up drunk emailing her instead. It turns out that she was scared to death to come to the window because it was like two in the morning and she didn't live in the safest neighborhood she thought for sure she was going to be shot. We met for lunch a couple days later and before I knew it, a few weeks later I offered for her to move in with me and grandma (she was having some money troubles and had just started a job out closer to where I live, I figured she could save some money)
At first things were gravy. We picked out paint colors together, we took turns deep cleaning, but were anal enough for the place to never get messy in the first place, we bought a clothes line and installed it so that we could cut down on energy costs and everything...we were the perfect team. Then it became apparent once again that things were not perfect and this was no fairy tale. We fought all the time again, I hated her dog, this hoity toity miniature schnauzer who constantly shit in grandma's antique room and whom she never disciplined...she was overly clingy, hated my friends, and couldn't stand the thought of me going anywhere where she wasn't. I tried to introduce her to my friends, but she came off as a cold bitch...my friends referred to her as the "ice queen" which sucked because I loved her and I wanted them to see the good things that I did...but more and more the good qualities faded away.
The breaking point came that November. We moved the upstairs around and instead of having a bedroom and living room, we had two bedrooms. We no longer could stand to sleep in the same room and even sharing counterspace in the bathroom at the same time became an awkward hassle.
I told her that i understood her situation and knew she couldn't afford to move out at the time, and that we just needed to do whatever it took to make things as less stressful as possible. A few days before I was supposed to go out of town for the weekend for my sisters graduation, she told me she was moving. She told me she'd have her stuff out before I got home on Sunday night.
She was right. I got home and her things were gone, the key sat on the table and not even a note was left...it was officially over, almost six months after we had called it quits. There were a few times after that that we attempted to hang out as friends but I could always see that look in her eyes--the one that said she was heartbroken, but tolerated the hurt just to spend time with me.
In september she finally told me that she had to cut her ties completely in order to move on with her life and I told her I would respect that (even though it really hurt.) I was the one that had ended it but it still hurt every damn day. It's hard to explain, but I am not the type of person that can tolerate constant fighting just to be with someone. I got a frantic call from her around December and she tried to give me a heads up that she had been seeing this girl and that she ended up being a psycho and had my phone number and was threatening to call me and tell me awful things which weren't true...I explained to her that she shouldn't be with someone who threatened her like that and that I wouldn't answer or acknowledge any phone numbers from a number I didn't know. She told me she still loved me and I explained to her that I loved her too, but not in the way that she wanted me to. I was in a relationship already.... I sent her a happy birthday text and she thanked me for acknowledging her b-day....
That was the final communication, over seven months ago. There isn't a single day that I don't think about her (not in a I want to be with her sense, but in a I wonder how she's doing...) I miss her friendship. We both agreed that we made awful girlfriends, but fabulous friends and it's hard to lose your best friend....thats the second one to have lose (the other was my best friend from kindergarten to first year of college--we had a huge falling out and never recovered)...
I had a dream about her Saturday morning and woke up with an uneasy feeling. I couldn't take it anymore. I sent her a text that said..."I don't expect you to reply, I just had an uneasy feeling and wanted to check and see if you were okay and that things were fine."
Her: (a few minutes later) OMG, I'm shaking--I can't even find the words to explain how shocked I am to hear from you
Me: Well I didn't want to hinder you after we established that I was holding you back
Her: You never hindered me Tommy, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. In many ways you still have a hold of my heart, but I thank you for letting me go the way that you did
(One of the reasons I ended it was because she always used me as an excuse to not better herself...she wanted to accomplish so many things and I ultimately held her back, though not on purpose)
Me: I never wanted to be another Candyce (her ex fiance of 5 years that ended up leaving her for a man...she never fully recovered from that) but you know we made each other miserable...I miss our friendship though
Her: Yeah, I miss it too, that's like the only thing we really ever agreed on, I don't hold any ill will towards you Tommy, I understand now it was for the best
Me: Well we need to get together sometime and catch up, I'm sure we have a lot to fill each other in on
Her: Yeah I'm back at (insert name of our old company here), long story, don't ask and I'm taking a real estate course which feels like its taking forever to finish...you done with school yet?
Me: I graduate in October and still work where I was last, I'm going to be an Aunt soon and Granmda fell and broke her leg...she's still in a wheelchair
Her: I have my 15 year reunion coming up and I'm planning a trip to NY the first weekend in August...man I'm getting old--tell everyone I said hi for me
Me: I will and I'm serious about catching up, don't get the wrong idea though it's all totally innocent
Her: I see you still come with disclaimers...It's a shame that you can't see where you are going wrong until it's already gone wrong and there's no turning back
Me: It is what it is--hindsight is 20/20
Her: How did I know you were going to say that....
Me: Because I'm unfortunately the same person I've always been
Her: We all come with stock responses
Me: Well you get back to work, I've got more sleep to get
Her: Well then stop texting me and go to sleep then
Me: Word
And that was it...a few texts back and forth and finally my mind could be at ease on that topic. It's not healthy for my current relationship to be wondering how an ex is doing simply because I miss her as a friend. I really do hope that it wasn't all talk at that we can be friends again, when that friendship ended it was like a part of me died. The relationship portion was collateral damage, the important piece was the friendship. We forced the relationship along for entirely too long...but we both did a great deal of growing up after it ended.
I realized on Saturday, as I sat in my pajamas all day long, in the dark, just being sad and hormonal that i never actually grieved over the loss of her friendship. I had always just kept the thought in the back of my mind and knew that i missed it, but was always too full of angst to acknowledge the pain I felt/feel because it was so easier to trash talk her because of what she did wrong in the relationship (also taking away from having to admit the things that I did wrong in the relationship)... I thought I was done grieving and then I pulled a CD out of the holder in the dark and put it in the player....the lyrics made me cry because it was a song that we always listened to.
The grieving point is over, simply because I can't go on like this. It isn't fair to Jen at all, regardless of the circumstances. I mean I can't imagine how it looks to be so far after the fact and just now acknowledging loss...what does that say about me? Will Jen hate me for it?
We started as coworkers, she was in a relationship and I had barely come out of the closet to the world. There was an instant attraction but she was very much involved in her happy relationship, and I'm not the type to break that up. I moved away to Nashville, the following week she and her fiance moved to NY (where she was from originally). A brief six months later, I called my mom from Nashville and told her I was going to move home and live with Grandma (Grandpa had been dead about a year at this point I suppose)...I was homesick and while I enjoyed my stay in Nashville and made some great friends there, it wasn't me. Too many cowboy hats and not enough sand and waves. It turns out that she had moved back, alone, a week prior to my return.
She worked for the same company my mom did at the time and I was cutting hair while trying to get in at the company as a branch manager. Mom told me that she had talked to her and she needed a haircut and gave me her number to set it up. I met her at her apartment, barely any furniture to speak of as she was still trying to get settled in. I cut her hair and left...I remember she paid me in rolled coins, I laughed if off and said she didn't have to pay me but she insisted.
The next week we decided to hang out and have a bite to eat...it was sort of a date I suppose and I remember not even being able to stand her that night. She was such a smart ass (even more so than me) and always had to be right. There was a song playing on the speakers of the restaraunt, I said it was one group, she said another....and swore she was right. We made a phonecall and she of course had been right. Dammit. I told my mom that it felt like being on a date with my sister or brother because of the little playful bickering that occurred...it was really quite annoying.
The weeks progressed and we spent more and more time together as the days went on. One thing led to another and we were in a full fledged relationship. I'd stay at her place from time to time, she'd stay at mine...We'd put in a CD and dance right in the living room or bedroom it didnt matter, but we danced a lot....always slow--it was much like meditation while standing if that makes any sense. The first time I went to end it (I can't remember why) I remember us both crying, her hysterical, back to the wall, sliding down it and sitting, holding her knees rocking and asking why...begging for another chance...and me unable to stand my ground because of how I hated to make someone else feel bad. Things would be good again for a while, but before too long we were at the same point yet again.
We broke up for a month once, there wasn't a day I didn't think about her and I couldn't tell if I was just feeling guilty for breaking up with her or if I truly missed her...I went out for drinks with a couple of buddy's of mine. We got wasted...I should have never driven in the first place, but there I was behind the wheel and at her apartment. I knocked on her bedroom window, no response, I got back in my truck and came home...I couldn't leave matters alone so I ended up drunk emailing her instead. It turns out that she was scared to death to come to the window because it was like two in the morning and she didn't live in the safest neighborhood she thought for sure she was going to be shot. We met for lunch a couple days later and before I knew it, a few weeks later I offered for her to move in with me and grandma (she was having some money troubles and had just started a job out closer to where I live, I figured she could save some money)
At first things were gravy. We picked out paint colors together, we took turns deep cleaning, but were anal enough for the place to never get messy in the first place, we bought a clothes line and installed it so that we could cut down on energy costs and everything...we were the perfect team. Then it became apparent once again that things were not perfect and this was no fairy tale. We fought all the time again, I hated her dog, this hoity toity miniature schnauzer who constantly shit in grandma's antique room and whom she never disciplined...she was overly clingy, hated my friends, and couldn't stand the thought of me going anywhere where she wasn't. I tried to introduce her to my friends, but she came off as a cold bitch...my friends referred to her as the "ice queen" which sucked because I loved her and I wanted them to see the good things that I did...but more and more the good qualities faded away.
The breaking point came that November. We moved the upstairs around and instead of having a bedroom and living room, we had two bedrooms. We no longer could stand to sleep in the same room and even sharing counterspace in the bathroom at the same time became an awkward hassle.
I told her that i understood her situation and knew she couldn't afford to move out at the time, and that we just needed to do whatever it took to make things as less stressful as possible. A few days before I was supposed to go out of town for the weekend for my sisters graduation, she told me she was moving. She told me she'd have her stuff out before I got home on Sunday night.
She was right. I got home and her things were gone, the key sat on the table and not even a note was left...it was officially over, almost six months after we had called it quits. There were a few times after that that we attempted to hang out as friends but I could always see that look in her eyes--the one that said she was heartbroken, but tolerated the hurt just to spend time with me.
In september she finally told me that she had to cut her ties completely in order to move on with her life and I told her I would respect that (even though it really hurt.) I was the one that had ended it but it still hurt every damn day. It's hard to explain, but I am not the type of person that can tolerate constant fighting just to be with someone. I got a frantic call from her around December and she tried to give me a heads up that she had been seeing this girl and that she ended up being a psycho and had my phone number and was threatening to call me and tell me awful things which weren't true...I explained to her that she shouldn't be with someone who threatened her like that and that I wouldn't answer or acknowledge any phone numbers from a number I didn't know. She told me she still loved me and I explained to her that I loved her too, but not in the way that she wanted me to. I was in a relationship already.... I sent her a happy birthday text and she thanked me for acknowledging her b-day....
That was the final communication, over seven months ago. There isn't a single day that I don't think about her (not in a I want to be with her sense, but in a I wonder how she's doing...) I miss her friendship. We both agreed that we made awful girlfriends, but fabulous friends and it's hard to lose your best friend....thats the second one to have lose (the other was my best friend from kindergarten to first year of college--we had a huge falling out and never recovered)...
I had a dream about her Saturday morning and woke up with an uneasy feeling. I couldn't take it anymore. I sent her a text that said..."I don't expect you to reply, I just had an uneasy feeling and wanted to check and see if you were okay and that things were fine."
Her: (a few minutes later) OMG, I'm shaking--I can't even find the words to explain how shocked I am to hear from you
Me: Well I didn't want to hinder you after we established that I was holding you back
Her: You never hindered me Tommy, there hasn't been a single day that I haven't thought about you. In many ways you still have a hold of my heart, but I thank you for letting me go the way that you did
(One of the reasons I ended it was because she always used me as an excuse to not better herself...she wanted to accomplish so many things and I ultimately held her back, though not on purpose)
Me: I never wanted to be another Candyce (her ex fiance of 5 years that ended up leaving her for a man...she never fully recovered from that) but you know we made each other miserable...I miss our friendship though
Her: Yeah, I miss it too, that's like the only thing we really ever agreed on, I don't hold any ill will towards you Tommy, I understand now it was for the best
Me: Well we need to get together sometime and catch up, I'm sure we have a lot to fill each other in on
Her: Yeah I'm back at (insert name of our old company here), long story, don't ask and I'm taking a real estate course which feels like its taking forever to finish...you done with school yet?
Me: I graduate in October and still work where I was last, I'm going to be an Aunt soon and Granmda fell and broke her leg...she's still in a wheelchair
Her: I have my 15 year reunion coming up and I'm planning a trip to NY the first weekend in August...man I'm getting old--tell everyone I said hi for me
Me: I will and I'm serious about catching up, don't get the wrong idea though it's all totally innocent
Her: I see you still come with disclaimers...It's a shame that you can't see where you are going wrong until it's already gone wrong and there's no turning back
Me: It is what it is--hindsight is 20/20
Her: How did I know you were going to say that....
Me: Because I'm unfortunately the same person I've always been
Her: We all come with stock responses
Me: Well you get back to work, I've got more sleep to get
Her: Well then stop texting me and go to sleep then
Me: Word
And that was it...a few texts back and forth and finally my mind could be at ease on that topic. It's not healthy for my current relationship to be wondering how an ex is doing simply because I miss her as a friend. I really do hope that it wasn't all talk at that we can be friends again, when that friendship ended it was like a part of me died. The relationship portion was collateral damage, the important piece was the friendship. We forced the relationship along for entirely too long...but we both did a great deal of growing up after it ended.
I realized on Saturday, as I sat in my pajamas all day long, in the dark, just being sad and hormonal that i never actually grieved over the loss of her friendship. I had always just kept the thought in the back of my mind and knew that i missed it, but was always too full of angst to acknowledge the pain I felt/feel because it was so easier to trash talk her because of what she did wrong in the relationship (also taking away from having to admit the things that I did wrong in the relationship)... I thought I was done grieving and then I pulled a CD out of the holder in the dark and put it in the player....the lyrics made me cry because it was a song that we always listened to.
The grieving point is over, simply because I can't go on like this. It isn't fair to Jen at all, regardless of the circumstances. I mean I can't imagine how it looks to be so far after the fact and just now acknowledging loss...what does that say about me? Will Jen hate me for it?
Tuesday, June 16, 2009
I had a break through
So I had a break through (I can't even remember if that is one word or two right now, but I digress). The other day I wrote a blog (which is what I do, I vent via blog, as well as ramble, and whatever else) but anyway--it was mean. I was just venting, but I was so pissed and I couldn't seem to gather my thoughts in any other way other than that form the other day.
It seemed like everytime I went to talk to Jen about things I'd get sidetracked or pissy because the conversation was dragging on (I'm not big on spending time talking about serious stuff like feelings or relationships). So anyway I wrote this what turned out to be really evil blog in her eyes, which looking back was pretty fucked up but I think it also helped us in the long run as well as me have this breakthrough that I'm trying to write about.
You see, Jen and I have been together for a little over seven months now and here recently it seemed like something was off. Between our different work schedules, me always being tired and spread entirely too thin, and her dealing with things in her life, it's like we lost each other as well as our "spark" along the way. Things felt like they were being done out of habit or obligation and no longer just because it was the right or nice thing to do.
Jen and I talked the other day and I finally admitted to just needing some space to collect my thoughts and make it through all the school work I have right now plus upcoming finals. Okay we agreed upon a few things and moved on...or so we thought.
It wasn't until she came over on Sunday after playing a couple of games on the Wii at my moms house that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's like we always talk about stuff but it never gets resolved or we never actually move on to the next topic, we hang on to whatever happened before trying to analyze it prevent it from happening again, all while causing something else to become an issue....
This relationship stuff is effing hard sometimes. I've never been a fan of working at things, especially things that I just don't feel like should be work. I'd much rather use my energy having fun--not being miserable and always trying to work at shit...
So anyway--I flipped. I was like, how can you not feel how awkward it is right now with the two of us alone in this room. We had barely two words to say to the other and the few words we could muster seemed to be forced and poorly scripted.
It was then that I admitted not only to myself but to Jen that I was sabotaging our realationship--though not on purpose. Ive been analyzing past relationships and trying to figure shit out and I'm the only common factor in all of them going wrong. I find reasons to nit pick and point out things that are supposedly wrong and what have you and all the negative bubbles and boils from my insides until the outcome is me just ending the relationship because I'm fed up, when in reality the other person hasn't done shit wrong, I'm just crazy and like causing drama apparently.
Jen pointed out that she deserves to be treated better and isn't going to tolerate that shit and what have you and long story short we made up. We finally made some progress...our spark is back, there is no awkwardness at all...we are back to like it was in the very beginning, only the sex is even better, lol.
Nice. I'm kind of a grown up now I guess in the relationship department at least.
It seemed like everytime I went to talk to Jen about things I'd get sidetracked or pissy because the conversation was dragging on (I'm not big on spending time talking about serious stuff like feelings or relationships). So anyway I wrote this what turned out to be really evil blog in her eyes, which looking back was pretty fucked up but I think it also helped us in the long run as well as me have this breakthrough that I'm trying to write about.
You see, Jen and I have been together for a little over seven months now and here recently it seemed like something was off. Between our different work schedules, me always being tired and spread entirely too thin, and her dealing with things in her life, it's like we lost each other as well as our "spark" along the way. Things felt like they were being done out of habit or obligation and no longer just because it was the right or nice thing to do.
Jen and I talked the other day and I finally admitted to just needing some space to collect my thoughts and make it through all the school work I have right now plus upcoming finals. Okay we agreed upon a few things and moved on...or so we thought.
It wasn't until she came over on Sunday after playing a couple of games on the Wii at my moms house that I just couldn't take it anymore. It's like we always talk about stuff but it never gets resolved or we never actually move on to the next topic, we hang on to whatever happened before trying to analyze it prevent it from happening again, all while causing something else to become an issue....
This relationship stuff is effing hard sometimes. I've never been a fan of working at things, especially things that I just don't feel like should be work. I'd much rather use my energy having fun--not being miserable and always trying to work at shit...
So anyway--I flipped. I was like, how can you not feel how awkward it is right now with the two of us alone in this room. We had barely two words to say to the other and the few words we could muster seemed to be forced and poorly scripted.
It was then that I admitted not only to myself but to Jen that I was sabotaging our realationship--though not on purpose. Ive been analyzing past relationships and trying to figure shit out and I'm the only common factor in all of them going wrong. I find reasons to nit pick and point out things that are supposedly wrong and what have you and all the negative bubbles and boils from my insides until the outcome is me just ending the relationship because I'm fed up, when in reality the other person hasn't done shit wrong, I'm just crazy and like causing drama apparently.
Jen pointed out that she deserves to be treated better and isn't going to tolerate that shit and what have you and long story short we made up. We finally made some progress...our spark is back, there is no awkwardness at all...we are back to like it was in the very beginning, only the sex is even better, lol.
Nice. I'm kind of a grown up now I guess in the relationship department at least.
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