Things that make you go hmmmm....

It feels like I pulled a muscle under my chin, how random is that.  I'd love to blog about how I was trying out this new acrobatic style tantric cunnilingus move that I learned from a traveling lesbian gypsy--but alas, that is not the case. It happened sometime while I was asleep.  How ridiculous is that.

I went to bed last night which was Thursday and was confident that I'd wake up and it would be Saturday morning so that I could sleep in... what a disappointment waking up was.  Nope, still Friday (normally a great day, but my 5 to 6 hours of actual sleep a night has finally caught up with me and I just want to sleep in some kind of terrible)... I got to work a few minutes late because I fell asleep while standing in a hot shower.  All was cool  until I woke myself up freaking out because of a dream where I was drowning...

Since I was already late I called security to see if anyone was waiting for me (they weren't thank goodness)...stopped at the gas station for some liquid crack (aka Mountain Dew--I tried drinking a lo carb monster yesterday and just couldn't, my taste buds rejected it)... I get here to work, grab my clip board and head out to the warehouse floor.  In the midst of my rounds I notice that a couple of my contractors are missing. (My contractors have two supervisors, me because I work for the staffing agency that employs them and their floor supervisor who works for the client, part of my job is to ensure that all of my people show up and/or are accounted for and that they perform to the expectations of the client...)

I hear my name being paged over the intercom followed by an extension to call--I call and discover the two missing people were now in the building but way late... I come to the front to coach them and see what the hell the deal is... they looked stoned out of their minds and the dude tells me that the reason he's late is "it's his birthday." Okay, happy birthday but you're still late and normal points apply... had you been here on time then you would have work, but since your late, your floor sup opted to not give you any work today... (he looked, real bent out of shape over it, NOT)... the girl, who rides with him was conveniently not feeling well but felt okay to come pick up her pay check.  Today is not the day for shit like this.  I don't have the patience.  I issued her double points because even though she showed up, its still like calling out on a friday (which are double points days) because she didn't even make an effort to work.  At five attendance points, people get fired. End of story.

So I've been a bitch already this morning...still trying to get caught up on my reports, print equipment badges for my new starts next week and get things lined up for Tuesday.  The great news is that they just made the announcement that they are leaning towards NOT working on Monday which is Labor Day... they were scheduled to at first, but they got caught up with the pick and are thinking its not necessary...but we will be scheduled for ten hour days for next week in order to avoid working next Saturday....

Peak season is kind of officially here...as much as it can be right now with the economy the way it is.  They are going to start picking Christmas product on Tuesday and start shipping to the stores....that's one downside to the warehouse industry (and even retail) you have to look at holiday product months before its even time to buy it...Halloween has already been shipped out, Christmas stuff is up to bat.

Friday's are supposed to be fun days as far as the daily meeting go.  Ugh.  Today was guess who one the Super Bowl every single year it was played. Oh yay, NOT.  I don't follow football or any sports really, I like watching some from time to time,but I just don't get into it.  Exes have been huge sports fanatics... mainly Football (the Giants or the Bills depending on who I was seeing at the time)... one was all about UFC, watched a few pay per views and always fell asleep before the main event... i just don't have an interest.  Jen is apparently a huge Bears fan (it's sad that I just text her prior to posting this to ensure that that is in fact the team she's been talking about...I had it right which made me feel good and like I do pay attention, but since she's from Colorado, my first thought was to say the Broncos)... College basketball, Pro ball as well... I try and share this interest with her but I'm not even good at faking it.... she'll watch the stuff on tv and I'll sigh deeply, roll my eyes, and just do homework instead.  What am I going to do with Regular season football fast approaching and school about to come to an end... maybe I'll take up knitting again instead...I dunno...just something about commentators and the sports thing in general that stresses me out.

I'd like to physically go to a hockey game since I've never been, but I dont want to watch it on TV.  I like baseball, but don't follow on TV, I love Softball, but I just wanna go watch real people play up close and personal, not watch via TV....I dunno...

The moral of the story is that I was totally ganged up on in the meeting today.  Out of five women in the room, and about 13 men, only three of us weren't football fans and could have given a shit...of those three, two of us are lesbos so a lot of the guys just assumed we were supposed to have an interest.  I'm sorry but when I was given my "lesbian card" it said nothing about having to like sports in order to keep it.  But then again, maybe I was too distracted by the shiny new toaster oven and swiss army knife that they gave me for "crossing over" HA.

Okay, I have work to do for real.  Have to be caught up and ready for the bosses return from the Gay World Series.

To my secret stalker out there

So Jen's ex has been harassing her. The best I can figure is that she is miserable in her life and regretting fucking things up with Jen when she had the opportunity to be with her and all that jazz and now that she's miserable...and is trying to bring Jen down to her level.

I normally don't respond, comment, or acknowledge such foolishness but I really do have to ask, WHAT THE HELL DUDE? Apparently Jen's Ex has been reading my blog and pulling details from it to use against Jen... Jen and I talk about everything so I've known about the majority of times that the ex has contacted Jen, or Jen reached out because they were still connected because of a "financial matter" or whatever.... it didn't matter. I don't delegate to Jen who she can and can't talk to. If she wanted to be friends with her ex, hey more power to her...I'm not going to tell the person I love how to live her life because then she wouldn't be able to be herself...she'd just be living her life according to my orders...and I don't play that game. So from the dawn of time...aka We'll say October ish of last year I've known about the existence of the ex. Again...it never bothered me because this chick is like three thousand miles away. But, I do feel the need to finally vent about it if this girl...I won't even say woman because her maturity level doesn't warrant it...decides to start trashing my girl on every social networking site she is a member of. I'm not even venting because of what she's saying because it's irrelevant... I'm more concerned at the fact that she would use my thoughts or words and twist them to try and verbally stab the woman I love.

I will say a few words on this matter and be done...it's not my fight....but they need to be said. I'm a firm believer in no response is the best response...but in this situation YOU need to be schooled (you know who you are...):

1. First of all stop stalking Jen through my blog and stop "stalking" me. You don't know me...so when you text or email Jen and say hateful things, the following phrases are not suitable....

-Tommy only dates you because....
-Tommy is lying to you just like I did
-Tommy...

Bitch, this isn't my fight...you don't know me, we don't hang out on the weekends...you don't know what I'm thinking or anything for that matter....You aren't woman enough to be in my life...so stop trying to act like you know anything

2. There has been many a time I considered picking up the phone and set your ass straight (no pun intended)...but out of respect for Jen and her wishes I left it alone. You've spent almost an entire year now trying to bring Jen down to your level because you are miserable and regretting the decisions you made. Wise up. No one is living your life for you. You made your bed, you get to sleep in it--I hear down comforters are nice....

You cheated on Jen and never could come to terms with the fact that you had lesbian tendencies...i say tendencies since you professed your love to Jen on the regular and were busy fucking a dude in the process. Even after you got knocked up, Jen allowed you to stay in her life and even helped you take care of your son....hell...she saved your life and the life of your baby before you even actually gave birth...She's a better person that me....I'll leave it at that. I wouldn't have pissed on your if you were on fire.

Here you are now with baby number two...congratulations would be in order for most people, but you are up to your same old games. Married and lying to your husband while you try and get Jen to profess her undying love to you so that you won't feel guilty for how you did her "dirty." It's just a matter of time until your husband finds out the truth about you. It won't come from me because it's not my place, but my dear, KARMA IS A BITCH...

3. Jen is a lot stronger than I think you realize. You sucked the life out of her and injected her with your venom for long enough. She wised up and ditched you...made a new start for herself and for her son and her life in general....Sorry about your luck, but you aren't part of that equation. Fuck off.

4. I encourage you to read my blog as often as you like. Start from the beginning if you like. If it's in my blog, it's not exactly a secret....but in the long run, it's just going to make you that much more miserable...because its just going to reiterate the fact that Jen is happy, I'm a fabulous person, and you're a damn dirty dumpster cunt...oh my bad... i mean, sucks to be you. Bookmark my page while you're at it...it will save you time in the long run.

5. Jen has not once been referred to as anything less than my girlfriend. I have never kept her closeted to my family or my friends....I guess that works out for the both of us since I don't pretend to be something I'm not. She doesn't have to be anyone but herself and DAMN....SHE'S GOOD AT IT.

6. It must eat you alive inside to see how happy we look in pictures together....and stab a little bit deeper to know that lil man never even mentions your name...He doesn't think about EVER... oh wait...maybe I'm getting a lil mean...

Bitch you don't know how mean I can get. But as I said before, this is the one time I'm speaking on this subject....after tonight...you will once again be dead to me, nonexistent, a waste of good air.

7. It probably makes your cringe to know that I'm the one holding her at night...and curling up in between her legs and touching her in places you are bound to miss....I get to taste her kiss and feel her touch, while you are there...across the country laying next to a man that you don't even love.

8. Wise up. Get a life. Spend your time focusing on those two kids of yours and stop meddling in mine. I don't have the time to be dealing with you or the negativity you bring into the equation. You are toxic. Jen has moved on. And newsflash...even if she wasn't with me, she STILL WOULDN'T BE WITH YOU. You fucked up...face the facts and live with the consequences...you did this to yourself...nobody did it for you.

I'm finished. I'm going to get back to my beach vacation with a wonderful woman... We are having a few beers, gonna watch a movie and let's just say that some good ol' fashioned dirty kinky drunk sex is on the agenda. Hope you're having a great night over there in California...How's the weather? Oh wait, I forgot, I don't give a shit.

Just so we are on the same page, don't forget that you don't know me, if you were on fire I wouldn't spit on you, and I saw you on the street, I'd probably cunt punt you out of principle.

OH WAIT....

9. I'm not using Jen for free movie passes...I have a job and her theatre just so happens to fall in my budget, $4 matinee and six bucks any other time....I can dig in the fucking couch cushions if I need to see a movie that bad. You are so clueless. Maybe when you are older, it will all make sense to you.

10. I just recently watched this movie called Love and Suicide. It was about two teenage girls that fall in love with each other but end up breaking up because one of the two girls couldn't come to terms with the fact she was gay and didn't have the balls to tell her family....I don't want to ruin the ending...but seriously...it's a little low budget, but you might want to check it out. That goes for anyone...for the record.

Older women

Jen asks me pretty frequently...what's your deal with older women, lol. I can't explain why but I've always been attracted to them...and to be honest I can count on 1 or 2 fingers how many women I've been with that were my age or younger.

She asked me again on Sunday, but I don't remember the conversation...just that it was relevant so I smiled, laughed, and shrugged...I've been giving it some thought and still I'm struggling to put it into words.

My definition of "older women" sometimes is just as simple as being older than me... sometimes the age range creates a huge age gap per se.

In my most recent life there is Jen who is 31... a mere 3 years to my 28.

The "x" before her was 41 to my 27.... a 14 year difference. In this case age worked against us but not in the normal sense--more in the I was the adult and she was the "kid"...she stayed high all the time and only talked about Football, Video Games, or stories from her past that related to some guy she had fucked or what she had done when she was high this one time...or whatever...I was the one trying to have serious conversations...which never worked...besides I wanted to be high too, but couldn't because of my job. She was a wake and bake kind of girl...and if she didn't have pot she was a terror to be around....not cool...

The "x" before her was about six years older than me maybe...I don't remember exactly. My only other "true" long term gig, besides Jen... and that one can't even really only count so much because we were so on again off again in our ways. She had her life on a very serious path, wanted us to have joint checking accounts by this point and her and her towels by that point... I'm anti joint checking account among other things...and my thought on marriage is that I don't need a ring or a piece of paper to prove my commitment to someone. No offense to those that are married and honestly more power to you, it just doesn't suit me at this point in my life.

Rewind a bit further and I find myself recalling my first time. Let me clarify that--first time with a woman. I was always a "good kid," never gave a second thought to not being interested in boys when I was in high school...had something slipped into my drink at a frat party and recall being awake but unable to move or cry out as I was raped and then somehow managed to find my dorm as the sun came up. I didn't tell anyone until years later and because of it went through a phase in my life where I assumed the fact that I never felt a connection with a man was my fault and that the only way a man was going to like me was if I slept with them. I "skanked" out for a while... this turned out to be low self esteem and having internalized all the rage and confusion I had experienced from the rape itself.

In a short time period I had experienced my uncle (who was four years older than me at the time and one of my best friends) committing suicide, finding out my dad wasn't my real dad, a rape (which was also my first time ever having sex), and losing my best friend of 13 years to a misunderstanding)... all in a years time. So right before I graduated high school through the middle of my freshman year of college....it's a lot to digest.

I had been sent to therapy after withdrawing myself from college due to serious depression and the world catching up with me essentially. I was diagnosed as being bipolar with schizophrenic tendencies...a label that would take me years to escape. (but was later diagnosed as a hormone imbalance that causes serious mood swings)...go figure

It wasn't until I admitted to my mom that all the problems I was having that my parents had assumed had to do with me finding out my dad wasn't my real dad was actually a combination of a lot of things, the rape being the breaking point.

That's when it dawned on me. The church wasn't necessarily right in everything it had been teaching me. I was no longer the founder of my youth group that was saving herself for marriage... I accepted that my lack of connection with men wasn't my fault or a bad thing I was going to hell for.... I was not attracted to them in that way. Period. I didn't stop believing in a higher power, but I stopped living my life according to the church's interpretation of how my life should be lived.

This revelation changed my life. I met this woman... Her name was Wendy. I couldn't tell you her last name if you paid me...that part of the memory didn't stick. I remember hanging out with her a couple of times and then going to her house. I was so nervous but I was sooo attracted to her. She made me tingle in places that no one else had.... I remember sitting on the opposite end of the couch... she was polite, knew it was my first time and wasn't rushing me. I recall thinking I was so smooth as I jumped at every opportunity to slide closer to her, the cold leather under my legs.

She eventually took my hand and walked me to the bedroom. She didn't take my clothes off immediately...she let the anticipation build.... she tasted like Marlboros and a hot summer day...I took her shirt off and exposed the most perfect breasts I had ever seen at this point in my life. They were fuller than mine and I just wanted to touch them...curl up with them, take them home and have them forever....

The sex was incredible and it all became official... no wonder everything with men felt so forced... I'M A LESBIAN I thought....oh my god, what are my friends going to think...what, when, how, huh? Panic. Gasp.

She was 31 to my 19...perhaps my attraction to older women began there. We only hung out for a couple of weeks after that... it turns out that we had nothing but sex in common. She was an ex-con with a drinking and drug problem...she did nothing in moderation and was out of control. When I walked in to find her hitting her crack pipe...that's all she wrote. I didn't have time for that... but I was still grateful to her for helping me find my way.

I think the attraction to older women also relates to me not having to be the teacher. I've trained people in every aspect of my career thus far and I don't want to have to do it in the bedroom.... no that can't be it because I've still been the teacher to some....

I really don't know. My grandmother once hinted around to the reason I'm gay is that I was raped and have a fear of men. No, that isn't the case. I love men...as friends, as drinking buddies, to help me move heavy furniture....I don't want to fuck them or make love to them however. I had considered this possibility as well...but know that it's bigger than that.

Women are softer, prettier, curvier, have gentler touches--but can be rough when the time is right....they smell good, and dammit among other things they make me wetter than I ever knew was even possible... but I'll leave that alone as to not embarrass Jen, lol.

With most women there is no sense of "masculinity" or ego that has to be stroked (no pun intended)... for those lesbians that opt for toys or strap ons you know what I mean. Sure, you could get penetration from a guy, but it's not the same... unlike when a man is behind it--a woman pays attention to what feels good, focuses more on the feel good spots, and pays attention to her partners wants or needs.... I won't say all the time...but a lot of the time, in my experience Men spend too much time focusing on what feels good to them, "how macho he can be" and all that shit... I don't have the time...

I can feel good with minimal equipment--alone or with a beautiful woman by my side or below my belly button helping me out. I guess for now my interest in "older women" remains a mystery.

Closets Schmosets

I think I have a problem. You see my gaydar is often skewed by people that I think should be gay rather than those that actually have tendencies. Long story short, I have a hard telling who the straight people are because I want EVERYONE to be gay...it's more fun that way. Ha ha.

Seriously though, there is this security guard at work that really needs to come out of the closet. She's in her late forties Early fifties I'd say, Keeps her hair even shorter than mine (doesn't make her gay, I know), retired Navy, two kids, ex husband, lots of dogs, a cat or two, but her mannerisms just scream BUTCH DYKE. I'm confused as to how she hasn't got the memo yet.

When I started working here a year ago she suggested we go out for a beer after work one time (but I didn't only because she talks about her employees some kind of bad and I didn't want her to find something out about me and tell everyone she talked to...she's one of those people) but I still talk to her in passing. One time I mentioned how I had a dykey haircut because the chick butchered my hair and she was like yeah I'm not a fan of labels... in reference to me using the term dyke...) Was that a tell?

I just saw her in the warehouse, she's the Security supervisor but works mainly out at the back truck gate of the facility so I don't see her often....but it takes everything in me to not yell...COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY....come on...you know you want to...just admit it to yourself and then the world...you can do it....IT'S FUN BEING GAY....

But, not my place.