Haircut

I can't tell if it's just because I'm having a super shitty day, or if I am legitimately tired of dealing with my hair...but i think I might cut it all off again.  No, I'm not going to shave it again, but I think a faux hawk is definitely looking pretty awesome right now.  I just don't know.  I'm in a self loathing state of mind right now.  I don't feel pretty no matter what I try and I thought I was doing well with the weight loss until I saw pics from this weekend. 

I feel like I'm losing a battle that in fact has no chance of me winning...does that make sense?  Sure, the numbers say i'm losing... I keep trying to tell myself that it's going to take time, because well I'm not stupid, I know that it is... but I could cry right now. 

Unfortunately, when I get this emotional and feel this bummed out and icky about everything in general, my hair generally pays for it. 

I've gotta snap out of it... I just want to cry and sleep.  I hope this is just an off day.  I can't deal with depression right now, I don't have time for it. 

I'll go to my meeting tonight, have coffee with my mom (I bought new creamer...caramel apple), and get home and rest.  To make matters worse I had to call and fire someone while they were at their grandmothers funeral.  I don't make the rules, I just implement them, but damn...I'm batting a thousand today.

I'm leaning towards smoking again.  I never did it full time and still only pick one up as "prozac on a stick" but I think I'm going to buy a pack today after work.  Let's see I could potentially die from being a fat ass, or die from lung cancer (which I could get from second hand anyway)... decisions decisions.  What an awful state of mind I'm in right now.  My grandfather died after years of oxygen use...a smoker forever, my other grandma is on oxygen now... my uncle gene is in the hospital (icu) unless he died already and no one bothered telling me (which wouldn't surprise me since I was written off by that part of the family...they didn't like that I had to work and just couldnt take time off to amuse them buy drives back to my birthplace...good ol' Fayetteville, NC...) I don't love them any less.  I miss that part of the family and it makes me even more sad to think about him on oxygen the last few years because of years of smoking, emphazema and shit...and me thinking of going and buying a pack of smokes.

I can't win all of these battles...I'm too ill equipped.

Good news

I'M AN AUNT!!! Yay...after two days of the attempted inducing of my sister (to no avail)...the doctors took her off of the patosin? and at some point the baby's heart beat spiked...it was like this for about an hour and a half and they couldn't get it to go down so they opted for a C-Section....Both mom and baby are healthy, happy, and fabulous.

I have not physically laid eyes on my one and only niece, but Charley Danielle (Charley for my uncle who passed away ten years ago and Danielle for my grandfather...daniel) has a head full of hair, a pudgy round face with huge cheeks, lol and she weighed 8 1bs and is 19 in long... she was born last night at 9:00 pm.  I'm hoping to get off work early, since I've been working 10.5 hour days and getting to work ASS early...to go and meet my niece.  Kind of exciting...I'm not an aunt.  I wonder what she'll call me (when she can talk that is)...Aunt Tommy? Aunt T? Aunt Tom? Thomas?  I guess only time will tell...for now I'm just stoked she's finally friggin' here. My sister tried for years to get pregnant and her dream came true in the middle of a divorce, by accident :) And what a beautiful accident it turned out to be :)

In addition, I finally got to view my grades for the classes I just completed (you know, the last ones)...all A's... I did really well on the papers I procrastinated on and got a perfect score on one of my finals...I'm such a nerd :)  That brought my GPA up to a 3.5 which I can totally live with :)  Plus it will look decent on a resume along with my membership in Alpha Sigma Lambda, or whatever the Honor's society frat is....

Still working on the resume...getting there slowly...I just hope the position isn't filled while I'm trying to get my shit together and in fabulous HIRE ME form...

More training this morning and I must devise a way to curb the attendance issue we are experiencing here in the warehouse...I don't know what people's problems are... HEY BITCHES, CARRY YOUR ASS TO WORK...I have a hard enough time getting myself to work on time and EVERY fucking day...I can't come to ya'lls house, wake you up, fix you a bowl of cereal and comb your hair YOU ARE ALL MOTHER FUCKING ADULTS and I am NOT YOUR MOMMY!!!  GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET FIRED, I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT...

Yeah right...I'd fire a 1/4 of my staff easily if it wasn't against policy, haha.  All because of excessive absenteeism and tardies...we have a points program in place but excuse the points with documentation, some folks abuse it and those folks are going on final warning today because of it... I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to make them successful when they don't want it for themselves.

Mom made me cry night before last. She called me randomly to say that she loved me and that she was really proud of me for finishing my degree. She said that she didn't care that it took me ten years to do it...she was impressed that I had stuck with it.  That was awesome.  I'm lucky to have such a fabulous family and loving supportive girlfriend.

I think back to the times when I was in Beauty School and didn't want to go in because I was tired and just wanted to sleep....my dad would knock on my door, open it, and immediately start singing, BEAUTY SCHOOL DROP OUT from Grease...he definitely helped me along in that area.  I couldn't handle the thought of quitting college and then also quitting beauty school too....ugh...I had to finish something at some point....and I did... unfortunately, I hate doing hair full time, but I keep up my license for shits and giggles.

Paranoia sets in

I have serious issues. I didn't expect my day to be shitty when I woke up all snuggled up in the covers on top of my fabulous new mattress pad.  Hell, I even did my hair and make up.  Not something I do often these days, much less early ass on a Monday morning.

Then I got to work.  Processed payroll, checked on my sister (she's fine, still prego)...found out from my boss that I had training that afternoon for a batch of new hires.  Really...I know that we are having a problem getting folks in the door but I just would have liked a little more notice.  Then I walk in the office around my contractors lunch time (I had been out on the warehouse floor) and BAM there's my boss sitting at the table in my office.  WTF?  I kept my cool and didn't even act surprised (in my opinion)...she left for lunch with some of the managers and I got things lined up for the new starts doing paperwork and their equipment training.

My mind got to working (which isn't generally a good thing)...I felt some kind of way. I felt like my boss showed up unannounced in an attempt to catch me doing something I wasn't supposed to.  It freaking pissed me off.  She's never come to help me train before, why now?  She was going to shadow me and see if I needed to focus my efforts anywhere, see what my weaknesses are and provide feedback. 

It wasn't until later when I chilled the hell out that I realized that she's aiming towards a promotion, if that were to happen for her, then I could in theory transition into her role (which I don't know if I would accept or not to be honest...) so it's possible she was making sure I was ready.  Then again, she could have just needed a break from the main office.  The point is it was odd for her to show up unannounced...I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have been, thank god I wasn't blogging or chilling in the office half asleep. 

I'm just paranoid all the time. I feel like everyone has ulterior motives regardless of the circumstances...i need to get over it.  I'm still working on my resume...

My sister is still pregnant.  They started inducing her this morning and at about 6:30pm they gave up and have decided to try again tomorrow since she had only dialated 2 centimenters... this baby is a stubborn one for sure.  So update, I'm still not an aunt officially. 

Pepper is sitting next to me on the couch stretched out and Chino kitty is curled up on a pillow that is strategically placed on the lego table I have set up in the living room...

Um, Chuck Lidell, from UFC is a freaking competitor on Dancing with the Stars--RANDOM...

Back to the resume...perhaps.

I'm special

I from time to time have to force myself to remember just how fabulous and special I am.  Today was one of those days where I made "fabulous happen."  I got off of work and headed to the nail salon...there is very little as wonderful as a pedicure (my last pedicure was in February--I maintain things the best I can in the shower to save money).  My feet hurt all the time these days...I'm still searching for the perfect pair of comfortable shoes to counteract the 1.7 million square feet of warehouse floor I walk daily... add my weight (which is my next project to work on... if I can survive the last couple of weeks of school) it equals aches and pains...

While my feet were soaking I got a wild hair up my ass and decided that in addition to the pedicure, I needed a manicure as well...Yes folks, My name is Tommy and today I have matching finger and toenails, lol.  It's so cute seeing my lil nubby nails painted (I'm a nail biter...but hello the short nails are a necessity for the "fun factor" in my life)...

I opted for a coral color (an OPI shade called something like Conga-line Coral or something)... totally out of character but dammit if felt good.  While my nails were drying I got cornered by an older woman who was like isn't your last name such and such....um, yeah... I thought I knew you she said.  Turns out she remembers me from church.  She then proceeded in asking about Gma and the family and this and that and invited me back to church.  Mind you I haven't been to this church in a LONG LONG LONG time. 

(side note:  This is a very uptight Southern Baptist Church.  I was one of the founders of their youth group, did the missions trips, the works...well in 1999 my mom's youngest brother, my uncle charley (who my sister's baby is to be named after) killed himself.  He had a history of psychological issues, he was paranoid schizophrenic, wrote a suicide note, hid it, robbed a cab at gunpoint and lead police on a high speed chase...it ultimately ended with him shooting himself...it was tragic and we all took it really hard, especially my mom.  He was only 4 years older than me and one of the coolest people in the world....(there is a point to all of this)  So we are sitting as a family in church one Sunday shortly following his death... I was already getting pissed at the people in the church because they'd give my mom a hard time for letting me paint my nails crazy color...(she'd always tell the blue haired old ladies to "bite her" saying that you know, it's not like she's doing crack)..and they figured I was going to burst into flames upon walking through the threshold of the church after getting my first tattoo... anyway... on this particular sunday the preacher stood in front of the congregation and announced that the churches thoughts and prayers were with my family, for our recent loss of Charley, (are you ready for it?) WHO IS NOW ROASTING IN HELL AFTER TAKING HIS OWN LIFE.

Um, are you fucking kidding me.  So needless to say the whole "gay" thing (which in their minds is just a phase that they pray I'll get bored with) I don't waste my time going there.  I have my own thoughts on religion and my own relationship with a higher power...I don't need to go to a physical church to have it. But I digress.  The moral of the story is I smiled and made conversation with the lady but I decided a long time ago that it didn't matter who the preacher was at the time, the congregation was still there and I can do something better than be judged on my damn day off, lol.  On a scale of 1 to 10 of the likelihood of me voluntarily ever attending that church again is like a -5.

The humorous part of my day was the fact that the refrigerator in my office died a few months ago.  I was tired of looking at this table top monstrosity so I loaded in my car to take to the dump after work and my pedicure.  In the process of getting it in the trunk I SCRATCHED MY FUCKING BUMPER.  Fuck. Then the damn trunk wouldn't close so I had to put it in the passenger seat.  Fucking a.

Well after my pedicure, the dude made me leave on those disposable flip flops they give you because I had come in with sneakers from work and they didn't want me to jack up my toenails.  So I Get to the dump and all dainty like (which just makes me laugh BECAUSE THIS IS SOOOOO NOT ME) I prance to the passenger side, carefully opening the door to not chip my nail polish, pick up the fridge, and carefully glide across the pavement with my pink faux flip flops trying to not drop a fridge on my freshly painted toes...I successfully put it in the correct disposal area and prance back to the car swaying uncharacteristically while swishing my hands about as if if the air touched them they'd smudge.

I mean damn, I know I'm special and all, but when the hell did I become such a fucking girl?

I'm glad tomorrow is Friday.

Empty Thoughts

Today is Thursday which means that tomorrow when I wake up it will be FRIDAY.  I must stop "wishing my life away" as many put it.  I can't help it though--it's like I dread Mondays, the rest of the week seems to creep by and then by the time the weekend finally arrives, I blink and it's gone.  I'm still trying to work out a way where I work two days a week, get five days off and still make the same money (or more, lol)--but I have to be realistic as this is not likely to EVER happen.

Since my boss is out of her office this week, I get to take a field trip today--EXCITING.  All it entails is driving to the main office (about 45 minutes away), dropping off paperwork for the new starts I processed yesterday and picking up paychecks for my contractors so that they can be handed out tomorrow.  But I am going to take my lunch while I'm out and that  area has some excellent options for lunch.  Moe's Southwest Grill is kind of on my mind...I'm in the mood for some Mexican...but I dunno yet...It might just be a burger while I'm driving back to the warehouse.

Pepper has had awful gas lately.  I had to plea with grandma yesterday to PLEASE stop feeding her from the table because it's tearing her lil stomach up.  From the time she was a puppy she had issues.  The first of them was not her fault and involved about two weeks straight of me not sleeping because Pepper was up all night with the runs and it was during the time I was trying to house break her.  So if I slept hard and didn't hear her wimper trying to wake me up to let her out, I'd be undoing the training I taught her AND cleaning up liquid shit from the carpet.  Come to find out she had some type of parasite (I don't remember off the top of my head) that was causing fading puppy syndrome...basically Pepper still had an appetite but the parasite was eating it and her from the inside out.  She would have died had I delayed any longer in getting her to the vet.  This is also when I first noticed that Pepper was going to be a "fatty."  The only dog I've ever had who I didn't have to trick to take pills or "drink" medicine.... the lil hefer would beg for more after I gave her the stuff from the vet via syringe in her mouth....RIDICULOUS.  She loves food that is for sure.  Unfortunately Gma feeds her nonstop and even I am guilty of sharing people food with (as is everyone else that comes to the house)...so it's not like just one person is responsible...but we all need to stop.

So anyway, Jen helped pick up a pile and I got on my hands and knees and scrubbed the carpet because for whatever reason Pepper couldn't get anyone's attention quick enough when the shit cramp hit her.  This is two days in a row and I told grandma that I'm tired of cleaning up shit for a dog that is house broke... (I wanted to say, "look you ol' bag, stop feeding the dog random shit that you think won't hurt her because you can't get your ass on the floor to clean up the mess she makes because her stomach is out of wack."--But I didn't.  Gma gives Pepper everything ranging from the whip cream and remnants of her Dairy Queen Moolatte (key word being DAIRY)...something that Pepper has never handled well, chips, nuts, just junk in general... lean meats and veggies are one thing but come on.

I fired someone before they even started yesterday.  I was expecting 8 for the training class I held for people projected to start on Tuesday--7 showed up.  I called him in the afternoon when all was said and done to follow up and see what happened.  He didn't seem like he actually gave a shit, so I told him that if he couldn't  see the importance of coming to training and didn't bother to call me ahead of time to tell me he wouldn't be attending that I couldn't trust he'd find coming to work important either--I told him he missed his opportunity to work out here... Someone that is reliable and actually WANTS to work can be hired instead.

I'm wearing the most fabulous pair of Jeans today...They are truly wonderful.  I found them at a thrift store this past weekend... (I've been wearing my baggy cargo shorts...aka my fat pants because of how comfy and NOT restricting they are)... so I wasn't sure if they size would even work.  I bought them anyway because a brand new looking pair of jeans for $3.99 should never stay on the rack.  I figured that even if I needed to lose a few pounds it was a deal...I tried them on this morning planning for the worst.... if they actually went on they'd never button.... they went on like I had greased my legs with Crisco prior to and buttoned without me even sucking it in.  Thank you Liz Claiborne for making my day with your fabulous jeans in a smaller size than I generally wear...a little stretch makes all the difference (granted it's not like leggings stretch...just a lil give.  I'm opposed to wearing pants that show my actual shape.  A lil curve here and there will suffice, no one needs to know every intimate detail and I refuse to wear jeans that make me rock a camel toe/moose knuckle.)

I'm also a firm believer that underwear should be directly proportionate to the size of one's ass.  I'm not saying every inch needs to be covered...but I will say that with the size of my ass...if I were to put a thong on, I'd spend more time looking for the shit, trying to dig it out of my ass crack that I'd never find time for anything else.  I don't wear granny panties, but I do wear those that make the most since for me and my ass.

I remember the days when I used to find jeans and in order for them to fit through the hips and ass they'd be WAY to big in the waist.... THIS IS NOT THE CASE ANYMORE... my stomach has caught up, lol. 

I have blown my hair dry two days in a row now....I'm actually rocking my "girl hair" which is different from the normal wild crazy faux hawk type look.  It's my more feminine side...SIKE what it really boils down to is that my hair is getting longer in the back quicker than it is growing on top, so I blow dry my hair up in the back for the messy look and lay the front down...otherwise I feel like I have a mullet because my hair is touching my neck and immediately want to go get the clippers to get rid of it...I'm going to try the hair thing for a while (or at least as long as I can)...

Grandma rode with my mom, aunt, and sister to Sam's Club yesterday.  It was nice that mom took her, because otherwise I was going to have to and it just stresses me out because she insists on going up every single aisle despite only coming in for toilet paper or other few things that might be on her list....$598.00 later she came home with a metric shit ton of stuff that we didn't need....she's out of control.  She bought my mom a laptop bag and my aunt a "pallet" of LoCarb Monster (that which is my fault because I was on a LoCarb Monster kick for a while and got my mom hooked, she in turn got her sister/my aunt hooked)..I've since shaken my habit and really only drink one, every couple of months--mom and aunt melissa are still very much every day people.

Mandi is officially ready to have the baby.  Translation: I'm going to be an Aunt really any day now.  The baby is locked and loaded, at her last Dr. Appt on Monday she was actually having contractions (but not feeling them) the machine she was hooked up to was registering them....EXCITING I'm going to be an Aunt...FUN FUN FUN. 

I've officially decided that the motherhood thing is not for me (in terms of actually carrying something around inside of me for nine months and then pushing it out...) NEGATIVE.  Freaks me out...not interested...I'm quite okay with someone else doing it and letting me play "aunt" or the other mom (sort of)... It's funny...when it comes to me and Jen/Jen and I? I'm too tired to remember which one is proper at this point, but really how proper am I most days?  Lil man refers to us as Mommy and Tommy (it being obvious which one is which)... he sometimes slips up and calls me Mommy, but soon corrects himself...which is no biggie.  He knows who is who.  I often wonder what he understands about the whole situation.  I know that he knows that Jen and I love each other and that we Love him too, but past that I'm not sure.  In my mind it's like Jen is his mom and I'm his buddy to play games and legos with, but who doesn't play when it comes to whining or arguing, or running in the house---so sometimes if I've told him to not do something (i.e. run laps in the house) he immediately wants to go home and he tells his mom that... it becomes, Tommy isn't my fun loving buddy anymore so it's pointless for me to be here.  Lol.  Last night he said something about me living at his house (so I know that when the time is right and Jen and I are able to move in together, he'll be fine with the transition).

Tupperware is a great invention (storage containers for food in general)...the downside is that some food you store in them the smell gets trapped in the bowl.  This normally isn't an issue if you wash them in the dishwasher...I put some pineapple slices in a tupperware container yesterday after lunch (I opened the can but couldn't finish it)... well today I open them to eat the rest of them and smell spaghetti sauce...GROSS. Pineapple and spaghetti sauce... not a cool flavor combo, luckily they haven't been in the container long enough to absorb the taste of how spaghetti smells--are you following me, lol?  This container obviously doesn't get used often so it was probably hand washed last then put in the cabinet....today however it's going in the dishwasher for sure.

I was thinking about labels earlier today... I hear the terms butch and femme on the regular but don't feel I really fit into either.  I've always considered myself a lil CHAPSTICK instead... you know definitely not butch...just dress a lil bit from time to time and definitely not lipstick, just like to look cute from time to time.  I'm not sure why everything needs to have a label anyway...but no matter how I feel about labels, I still find myself trying to fit into the corresponding one for me.--WEIRD.

I don't miss Myspace or Facebook.  It dawned on me last night when a random person my sister knows stopped me in Food Lion and was like, Oh My god did Mandi have her baby yet...it said on face book, blah blah...Its funny...I like the sort of anonymity that comes with blogger.  Sure, anyone who googled my name would come across it, and I'm not exactly secretive about my life by any means... but I don't want people from my past being all in my biznazz... Mainly folks from high school that are fake nowadays and act like we actually miss each other when we don't... I already live in a small town... blogger lets me be not only a voyeur to someone else's life (from near to far) and vent about anything and everything and just write...which is one of my passions.  I guess what I'm saying is that I know this isn't exactly private and that the World Wide Web invites the potential for many people into my life via my blog, but dammit, for the most part it prevents that awkward fake bullshit associated with Myspace or Facebook where ex friends or people that you used to know but could give a shit about now do that whole "oh my life is great and this this and this" how is yours and then pretend to really care....

Wow, I'm bitter.  I just hate that.  I had friends in highschool and in the past don't get me wrong, but I can't think of a single person I still talk to from high school other than bumping into from time to time at the store... I have a few people that I still have contact info for in Nashville, but we don't keep up like we should...life gets away from you sometimes and dammit...I'm just not the same person they knew me as.  I love who I am, and who I've become, and the person I'm still working towards becoming if that makes any sense.  One should never stop growing and never be content with things being just as they are.  I feel like it's important to strive for "better" things, situations, personal growth, and stuff in general.  Just getting to where you wanted to be and becoming complacent, in my opinion isn't good enough.  I know that I deserve better and that I am better...that's why I'm working so hard on my own personal goals (though some of those goals take priority to others...I'll accomplish them all eventually)

Caution: Unedited Rant

I'm screaming on the inside today. I'm fucking fed up. I'm tired and irritated and just pissed off in general. I'm tired of being on repeat all day at work because nobody fucking listens.

I'm tired of having a job that is not hard at all be so difficult...does that make sense? I'm tired of being a "partner" to the supervisors/management here and seeing nothing but a lack of partnership.

This whole fucking place right now is a contradiction. I'm apparently bat shit crazy.

I want to scream aloud, yell, kick, punch, push, throw...I want to be destructive and break something....I'm like two steps away from turning green and Incredible Hulking it.


I'm irrational and just fucking done. I'm so fucking tired of the level of ignorance I have to deal with on a daily basis. My boss is the "bitchy one" and I'm the "nice, but straight forward" one...that's about to change...there's about to be two bitchy ones because the fuckers just aren't getting it.

I can't even tell up from down right now I'm so infuriated. It makes no fucking sense. Most of the time I'm fine, but today I just can't effing handle it anymore. I refuse. If I walk out on the floor one more time and have to deal with the same fucking bullshit I'm going to snap...not even kidding.

I just called my boss to fill her in on some details pertaining to an email that was sent earlier and told her flat out...I don't even want to be here right now. I want to go out, stand on a stack of pallets and just scream FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNTS.

Who gives a shit anymore if you don't hit your number...I'm tired of you not holding yourself accountable, I can't come out here and fucking hold your hand for you... And if I hear..."Well you don't know what its like out here" one for fucking time I'm going to lose it...

YES I DO...I'VE WORKED IN WAREHOUSES BEFORE...do you think they just gave me this job because they liked my haircut at the time...NO YOU BASTARD....I've worked in the heat, I've unloaded trucks, I've loaded them, I've shipped them, forecasted loads, handled damaged goods and HAZMAT material and their documents....and you know what...I HIT MY FUCKING NUMBERS TOO!!!!

(Deep breath out)...I was bitching to Field Hockey...she used to work for my company before getting laid off and then hired by the client company....I mentioned that I was at the point of going and buying a pack of smokes and just calling it a day...she made a suggestion that I hadn't even considered....BEER!!!! Duh...why didn't I think of that. I prefer the taste of beer to cigs, beer wont make me smell like smoke or leave that taste in my mouth that lingers forever....

Beer would be oh so fabulous right now...except I'm pretty sure the beer i have is skunky by this point....It's leftover from my birthday weekend at the end of May...I can't believe I don't really drink that often.... For now....those McSkinnys (you know the lil skinny mich ultras--water with a splash of hops), skunky or not....ARE CALLING MY NAME!!!

My boss told me that I can leave early if I want, but Now i have to make sure that people from a particular department know they don't have work tomorrow and their floor supervisor isn't reliable as far as telling them goes....so might as well just chill out.

Slumber at it's finest

I was in a cranky mood when i got home yesterday. After work I had picked up my Aunt Mel and gone to look into us both getting glasses. A store nearby was offering two pairs for 69.99, 99.99 for her bifocals. Turns out my vision is too terribly bad for that deal. You see, I require the thinnest lens possible because if they put my prescription into a regular plastic lens it would give me that bug eyed effect...you know the one...where my eyes would look like they are on the other side of a fish tank....scary.

So I opted to not get glasses right now...part of me is still determined to wear contacts fulltime...(though I'm not sure how I'll wing that even after allergy season because my eyes stay so tired all the time)...Well the interstate to get home was a parking lot so I took a scenic detour. I cut through lots of peanuts, soybeans, cotton, and corn....through historic Downtown Smithfield (Home to Gwaltney and Smithfield Sausage, bacon, pork products in general), down windy roads passing peacocks and road kill....

I had asked Jen to come out and stay the night and had planned on making tacos...yeah...that didn't pan out...I stopped and picked up pizza on the way home instead...I didn't get home until 8. Blah. I walk in to one of the most horrid smells imaginable, grandma was making Watermelon Rind Preserves....ugh...didn't even sound appealing (she normally makes Rind Pickle, but I don't eat that either)....I grab a bite to eat, go up to get things semi ready for bed and go help grandma get ready to go to bed. Jen got lil man ready for bed while all of this was happening.

We hit a new level in our relationship sense I have actually thrown up in front of her...something I make a habit of not doing to most people. It's odd that she didn't lose her cookies when normally just someone sounding like they are going to vomit, in real life or a movie sends her well on her way to puking herself.... I didn't feel good. I've been eating the same as normal, but here lately whether it's nerves or what I'm not sure, I get sick in the evenings. I hate throwing up. Anyway, it happened again last night.

I shower and get ready for bed myself and crash after about fifteen minutes talking with Jen. Lil man started out on a mattress on the floor, with Jen and myself in the bed. I woke up this morning at two am with the feet of a five year old diggin in my back and NO COVERS ON...he had somehow managed to wrap himself up in such a way that I couldn't get them untangled. It was freezing but I was tired...so I fell back asleep. At four oclock I woke back up not able to handle the cold anymore at the same time I rolled over (forgetting about the five year old clinging to my side) on top of him...he sat up with a WTF dazed and confused look, rolled over and went back to sleep. It was enough to get the covers free, though I didn't do it intentionally. The alarm clock light lit the room up enough that I could tell Jen was missing. What the hell, where is she at.

I sat up enough to see the opposite side of the bed and her knocked out cold where Lil man had originally started the evening....I went back to sleep. The alarm went off with absolutely no movement from the other two...I got up and moseyed about my day. Mom was in the kitchen frying bacon...freakishly cheerful for the early morning... (she doesn't stay the night anymore but does come over to help Gma get up and moving in the morning since I have to work)....

Then off to work I went....I wanted to call out so bad this morning. I'm sooooo tired. I have a group meeting tonight so I know that I won't be able to get to bed before 12:30 ugh... plus I still have two midterms to do...in addition to all my other work for the week. It's not looking like Friday is going to be an early day either....so I just wait for Saturday and sleeping in...and go from there.

I'm drinking a lo-carb monster this morning (nursing it really)...so far it's not helping. It would be better with some vodka in it. A 50/50 pour....good stuff.

Closets Schmosets

I think I have a problem. You see my gaydar is often skewed by people that I think should be gay rather than those that actually have tendencies. Long story short, I have a hard telling who the straight people are because I want EVERYONE to be gay...it's more fun that way. Ha ha.

Seriously though, there is this security guard at work that really needs to come out of the closet. She's in her late forties Early fifties I'd say, Keeps her hair even shorter than mine (doesn't make her gay, I know), retired Navy, two kids, ex husband, lots of dogs, a cat or two, but her mannerisms just scream BUTCH DYKE. I'm confused as to how she hasn't got the memo yet.

When I started working here a year ago she suggested we go out for a beer after work one time (but I didn't only because she talks about her employees some kind of bad and I didn't want her to find something out about me and tell everyone she talked to...she's one of those people) but I still talk to her in passing. One time I mentioned how I had a dykey haircut because the chick butchered my hair and she was like yeah I'm not a fan of labels... in reference to me using the term dyke...) Was that a tell?

I just saw her in the warehouse, she's the Security supervisor but works mainly out at the back truck gate of the facility so I don't see her often....but it takes everything in me to not yell...COME OUT OF THE CLOSET ALREADY....come on...you know you want to...just admit it to yourself and then the world...you can do it....IT'S FUN BEING GAY....

But, not my place.

Good news...sort of

So Gma went to the doctor yesterday is she is allowed to put weight on her leg as she feels she's ready. She is also able to drive again (scary) as soon as she feels ready, but will have to practice in a parking lot or something prior to hitting the road. Honestly, I don't know of anyone that is going to volunteer for this because she was scary behind the wheel even before her fall this past April...I just don't see myself being an eager beaver in this scenario.

This news translates into no one having to stay the night with her anymore. She still needs help changing her clothes, but she's got to the point where she is walking with her walker in the evenings to bed and setting things up so all she has to do is walk to the bathroom first thing, handle her business and then she gets in the shower (where she has a shower chair) and can manage until someone helps her with her clothes.

Mom had planned on coming over last night to help her to bed, but she is busy as hell packing and trying to get all my dad's shit together so he can "play army" and leave for Kosovo at the end of the week. I told Gma that I'd be able to help her, but that I had wanted to be in bed by the nine to nine thirty mark because it was the one day I had this week where I'd actually be able to do that. So nine twenty five rolls around and she's in bed...I'm flipping the light off when her cell phone rings. FUCK. I continue with what I was doing and let the dog back in so that I can be in bed by my planned time for a change.

My cellphone rings shortly after and Gma tells me that George (my jackass deacon uncle who has his own concept of time) has decided that because he's going to his daughter's house (this bitchy spoiled chick) in South Carolina in the morning and will be there for a week he needed to cut the grass tonight. Gma actually agreed which pissed me off. She tells me that if it gets too loud and distracting to just put the covers over my head....REALLY LADY, REALLY?

It's nine forty five by this point, I send Jen the last text of the night, urging her to get some sleep for a change too when I hear it. THE LAWNMOWER--one of those industrial grade landscaping deals (because he couldnt just buy a simple John Deere)...he wanted one that sounds like it has a jet engine apparently. I dose off for a few minutes while he cut the opposite side of the house.

10:08 pm I hear the house phone ring, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS...(I'm sorry, I'm old school and don't believe in calling anyone after nine o'clock at night...you never know what they're doing)...I never answer Gma's phone because no one I know even has the number, I know it's not for me....(unless it's XM radio trying to get me to come back...they found the number via my address I suppose, because I don't even have Gma's number listed on my car loan application where they got my original information...I'm strictly a cell phone person and hell of my 450 anytime minutes, I might use 13 in a given month...) But I digress....

I close my eyes after tossing and turning a few times to fall asleep again, only to be woke up by the loud jet propelled lawn mower under my window...I get up, stomp over the light switch, flip it on....along with every other light I possibly can on my way to the bathroom....Pee since I was up anyway, stomp back to bed after turning lights off and try it one more time, cussing my uncle the most creative ways I possibly can. He's such a fuckhead with no concept of mowing etiquette. I wanted him to know I was up thats why I flipped on all the lights and did everything short of opening the blinds, tossing out the screen as I opened the window to hang out of it flipping him off and yelling obscenities into the night.

I mean just because they put lights on the front end of lawnmowers doesn't mean you HAVE to use them. Why is this such a hard concept to grasp? It's like just because my car comes with a lighter...I'm not required to use it. It's decoration. Ten Forty eight... and still awake....

Why do I even fucking try. The alarm goes off at five forty five, I get out of bed at six fifteen, grumpy, eyes swollen, and the thought of calling in in my mind....I officially do not like my uncle. (this time for a legitimate reason...--before the reason just included that he talked to fucking much, was annoying, has it in his head I'm going to hell for being gay, avoids touching his own brother...not my dad but my other uncle who is gay as if he's scared my uncle is contagious...) Most days I see him talking and I'm not listening...I'm looking through him and wishing I hadn't gotten rid of that 18" double ended dildo that was like a coke can in girth, lol....(it was scary) but made an excellent prop for when drinking at parties. I'd pull it out and if someone was annoying me I'd smack them in the face with it....I should invest in another one....hell seeing his face as he got smacked by a translucent hot pink monster cock would definitely be worth the investment. And if I'm going to hell anyway....why not.... haha.

On the upside...the grass is cut so I don't have to worry about not seeing a snake coming after me in the tall grass....I'M STILL PISSED HOWEVER.

Hitchhiking 101

I had to stop after work yesterday to pick up some groceries and then go to the gas station (since my gas light had been on for a hot minute)...on my way I see this hitchhiker next to the gas station, thumb up headed in the direction I was going.

I filled my car up with gas and thought...you know I don't have any hitchhiking stories. I want to have at least one "yeah I picked up a hitchhiker" story...in my mind it was a risk, but a fun and exciting thing to try as well. I mean it's one of those if you survive moments that you can talk about whenever. I figured if I ever found myself in an awkward silence I could just switch it up with, "you know I picked up a hitchhiker once...."

In my mind it seemed like a good idea AND it would be a good deed. No good deed goes unrewarded grandma always says. (I had done a good deed earlier in the day when a Lexus with four chicks in it were trying to take pictures of my license plate but were having troubles....I got to the stop light and told them I'm going to pull up enough for you to get the pic so do it quick while I'm sitting still...they were excited, got the pic and sped off past me....) Look, everyone has their own concept of good deeds--heh heh.

So anyway back to Mr. Hitchhiker....He was an old white man. White hair, tanned, white tube socks that came up mid-calf, shorts, a t-shirt, sneakers...he didn't look scary, just unkempt. I figured I could take him if he tried to do anything stupid...FUCK IT I'M GOING TO DO IT. I put the gas cap on and drive over near where he was and flag him over. I tell him I'll take him to Zuni which is five miles in the direction of where he is going. (I live in Zuni but off the main road and actually already going 2 miles out of my way to do this....) he looks at me and says, "how much would you charge me to get to Waverly? Waverly is 25 miles past Zuni...You see on the stretch of 460 in between fields of peanuts, cotton, corn, and soybeans lies Windsor (where we were), then Zuni, then Ivor, then something else, then Waverly....

I told him I was only going as far as Zuni because I had things to do and if he wanted to be 5 miles closer to Waverly he could take it, otherwise I was peacin' out. He told me that I was the second girl to offer to take him to this Zuni (pronounced Zoo nye) place and that he was going to tell me the same thing he told the other girl....

"I've got some killer weed in my pocket and if you take me to Waverly, I'll blow your mind." ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME. Did he just say killer weed and blow my mind in the same sentence....I told him, that I wasn't interested in pot because I couldn't smoke it anyway, do you want a ride to Zuni or not...

He asked if I'd come back after dinner to take him...yeah...probably not. He said thank you and went back to his thumb up in the air.

This my friends is whats wrong with the world today. Too many people fail to realize that sometimes you have to take a tiny step in the direction you are headed...you aren't guaranteed to just get there. If the hitchhiker had taken the ride the first time someone offered it, he'd be 5 miles close to his destination AND increased his chances of finding someone that would take him the rest of the way...but instead he stood there for hours in the heat waiting for the straight shot.

This applies in the workplace as well. Sometimes you have to accept a job you don't really want, just to pay bills and get your foot in the door and then transition into something "better" when it becomes available...

I dunno...I'm still skeeved out by a dirty old man offering to "blow my mind" whether it was the killer weed he was referring to or not, those are just not words I want muttered out of an old man with no teeth mouth.

I've decided that having a hitchhiker story isn't all that important...I'll just start the conversation that "I offered a ride to a hitchhiker once but he offered me some killer weed instead" story...

Is it Friday yet...

So I'm tired all the time. I wake up Monday mornings wanting to fast forward to Friday just so the weekend is that much closer. I find myself today, Wednesday--hump day of all things yet again struggling to stay awake at work. My eyeballs are heavy and the fact that I only have 7 contractors working today makes for a slow day. No coachings to do, no pressing must do's or any of that jazz....just me trying to come up with McGeyver like ways of staying awake... no luck yet.

I am supposed to be shown how to use AS400...one of the systems they use here in the warehouse (it's how the products/pallets are tracked from the time they start being picked to the time they are shipped)...I'm supposed to have my own login now, but that has been put on hold because the Assistant GM isn't sure that me having a login is a good idea. Nothing against me, just the thought of an On-Site Supervisor that works for a different company having access to one of their systems freaks them out apparently...but regardless I'm going to learn it so that it will help me coach my contractors in the long run...that's the important thing, not whether or not I have a login to go with it.

I've decided that though it would make my paycheck suck complete and total ass, I'd like to have at least a half a day Friday off. I need to figure out a time that I can take Pepper to the vet and get her nails trimmed...(Pepper doesn't like it when I do it--I've never hurt her by doing it, but she just freaks out...I think she just doesn't think her mom should be doing such things to her...) So I take her to the vet where they cut them shorter because they know what they are doing and she remains calm the whole time and they are done in under thirty seconds....that's worth ten bucks to me. Plus I'm out of her flea stuff and I'll need some within a couple of weeks so might as well add that to the list.

I need to clean grandma's windows. I do them once a year, normally around memorial day (though I'm behind schedule this year obviously)...because since we have fields on every side of the house the dust and dirt from the farmers plowing gets out of hand from time to time...she normally pays me 10 bucks a window which translates into about 300 bucks in one day. Not too shabby. I think that I'm going to offer to do it for her half price this time though because even though I could use some of the money towards bills...my main focus right now is just having money to put toward my sisters baby shower gift. (Jen and I are going in together to get something and even though she always tells me not to worry about it, she can handle it...I don't pay rent where I live, and she does...so I'm hell bent on carrying my weight somewhere because by all technicality I have few bills than her...does that make sense?) I want my sister to open our gift and be like "hell yeah...Jen and Tommy are the best.." which she'd do anyway if all we bought was a booger sucker thing...but again, I digress.

There's a lot of stuff coming up in the next few weeks:

This weekend is my dad's surprise going away/birthday party. That will kick off Sunday.

The Sunday after that I have to go to Richmond for my dad's official send off. Since he's being deployed for AN ENTIRE YEAR on his birthday (Aug. 7) he won't be able to leave base that weekend, but the families are invited to a cookout thing to say bye and all that jazz for him to officially leave that Monday....He'll be in Germany for a couple of weeks and then go to Kosovo from there.

The weekend after that is my sister's baby shower. Since none of her friends are reliable and stepped up me, my aunt melissa, and my mom are all trying to put it together for her...though my portion consists of staying out of the freaking way primarily, lol.

Then finally....the next weekend will consist of some R and R down in Hatteras with Jen and Lil man...(and whoever else in the family that might be down there already)... I have requested that Friday off so that we can go down Thursday night and have a long weekend down there. I'm going to take them on the ferry over to Ocracoke Island and just down and around wherever....it's going to be fun and is already much needed.

Then my sister should have the baby anytime between then and September 25 (her due date is the 15th, though she's aiming for the 9th because she wants her baby to have 09/09/09 as her birthday, lol.

For now, I'll just sneak a nap this afternoon so that I don't fall asleep during my group meeting tonight at 9:30...since I won't have a chance to go to bed at a decent hour tonight...that's the best I can do.

Limbo

I went this morning to my normal 8:45 meeting and was yet again reminded of how easily I am excluded from things at work. I've mentioned before that I'm in limbo with work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do for the most part and what have you, but don't necessarily fit in with a particular category.

At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.

The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.

The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.

Call of the wild

I came home from work today and felt fairly decent. My boss had come to drop off the checks from the main office and I had a talk with her. She vented about things that were weighing on her...apologized and said, you know I don't know why I'm talking about all this right now...I'm like it's all good you needed to get it off your chest.

I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.

She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.

I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.

Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.


I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.

Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.

Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.

But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.

For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.

I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.

Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.

A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....

Hmm...

I'm thinking of asking for some time off tomorrow. Everything is catching up with me and while I don't have anything pressing that I need to do that would justify my wanting to take some time off...I want to take a nap. If I choose to miss a couple of hours (even if its my two and half hours of overtime I'm supposed to get a week...I'm okay with that).

I want to curl up in a ball and be a bum, watch movies and be totally unproductive. Maybe even move the tv into the bedroom and watch movies in there...I just like the thought of options right now. I'd like to stretch and sprall out and cuddle with Pepper Puppy and Chino Kitty....ID REALLY LIKE TO GO TO THE BEACH but that's not going to happen I don't think because mom and dad are going down there for there vacation starting this weekend and don't want to be disturbed....I don't blame them. The following weekend is dad's going away thing so that one's out...maybe the weekend after that I can sneak down there....it's definitely that time (I haven't been since my birthday at the end of May) because if I don't go then I'll have to put it off even longer because of my sister's baby shower as well as a ten page, fifteen page, and twenty page paper that will be due here in coming weeks. Lot's going on and me just aching for a change of scenery.

If I get my homework done early enough I'm going to clean the windows on Gmas house, perhaps even clean my car...then again I may do absofreakinglutely nothing and be completely okay with it.

the hurt that lingers

I considered for a moment to give up blogging. It was last night and she had said the most hateful thing to me. It was something that wouldn't have phased most people, but for me cut deep.

"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"

I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.

I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.

My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.

There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.

I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.

A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.

At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.

I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.

My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.

I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.

I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).

I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.

Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.

I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.

When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.

The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.

We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....

It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.

I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.

My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.

Age is only a number

So I ran out to the store last night for mom and dad--I got home with lil man and realized that I had laid his stuff on top of some paychecks I had to mail. I dropped them by the post office, before five, making sure they wouldn't be delayed, thereby pissing somone off and potentially having my car keyed or something else fucked up.

I go to Cabin Towne...this place thats like a gift shop (they sell dolls, crafts, marijuana supplies with stickers that say for tobacco use only, candles, etc) but most people just go their for reasonably priced smokes. I bought my mom and dad a carton of Marlboro Lights in a box and had mom's bank card to pay with it. The lady carded me for cigarettes first of all (which okay is fine...) but what killed me is that she looked at my ID and overreacted. She did a double take at the year I was born (perhaps reading it wrong) and said...wow, you look great. But not in a complimentary way, more in a holy shit you're that old I'd never have guessed.

I could understand this happening if I was 73 and my ID suggested I was say 32...but I'm only 28. I'm glow in the dark white so I'm thinking it's my lack of exposure to natural sunlight that keeps me looking so youthful and vibrant...or it could be the fact that I am in fact young enough to feel offended by this lady thinking I should be all wrinkly and buying geritol in bulk. What the freaking fuck?

So tired

So I'm tired as hell this morning and my eye allergies are kicking my butt, but it's all worth it. You see, lil man was fast asleep when Jen got to my house after work. I was draggin' ass, but was determined to be awake when she got there...Fresh out of the shower, pjs on, caught my second wind and as one of my favorite bloggers Real Live Lesbian says, "and one thing led to another."

Downside is I didn't make fall asleep until well into the morning hours and then had one of those nights where I was paranoid I was going to oversleep because of how tired I was that I woke up a few times during the evening. I remember Pepper coming upstairs this morning and me trying to make her lay down and go to sleep (but Earl was downstairs so she was already in play mode...it's so much easier when she's a lazy let me sleep in kind of puppy, lol) she climbed across me despite my efforts to get her to chill out, stood her big ass on jen...I heard Jen holler, Ugh...get off of me Pepper (40 pounds of pressure from just two front paws is killer)....Jen pushed her down and Pepper happily nestled in the middle of Jen and I where there was very little room to begin with, but she was happy for the next few minutes and I drifted back to sleep.

My mom called my phone to make sure I was up, I said yeah but wasn't--it's a good thing she called though because I had somehow turned off my alarm and would have overslept...so I set another alarm, grabbed about five more minutes and then got motivated and out of bed. Both Jen and Lil man were still asleep when I left and I had a tinge of jealousy roll through my veins...Now its work time and my eyelids are heavy and I just keep thinking...hell I'll take a short check this week, just let me go home so i can grab a nap before I hang out with lil man and have more homework to do.

I'm so tired, but when one thing leads to another...sometimes you just gotta deal with the repercussions the next day. Happy Freaking Friday.

Gummy Bears

Let me start by saying that the title of this blog has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the actual blog...DON'T JUDGE ME. lol. I survived work today so that's a plus I suppose. My boss came down to bring the paychecks and I had a couple of questions for her. Her response sort of bothered me because I'm not sure if it was my delivery or if she just thinks I'm the overreacting type in general because she told me not to crisis manage, but just manage it. I had to stop and be like what part of what i just said indicated that I thought this was a crisis. I dunno.

I like how laid back she is and the fact that she too is a lesbo...but sometimes it's frustrating because I don't always know if I'm doing a good job. Sometimes you just want that reassurance that says hey Tommy you are really doing great or hey Tommy, you should work on (fill in the blank)...That's not to say that me still having a job isn't technically enough to indicate I'm doing okay, I'll be there a year in August, but sometimes it's frustrating is all. Monday and Tuesday is my Train the Trainer course where I'll be certified to train folks on equipment...yeah...stoked.

In talking to Jen today I realized something. Well first of all the chick that watches her kid is a fucking greedy bitch. I asked her what she was doing with lil man while she was at work (Jen and lil man made it back from Colorado yesterday, a day late because their flight was cancelled--but they'd already stopped by last night at lil man's request of course because i'm his lego playing buddy, ha)...she told me she was taking him to "the bitches" (my words, not hers) house (she might be a lovely girl, but everytime I've had to deal with her and even the time I tried to have a beer with Jen and this girl and some other folks I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with a butter knife...but I digress) tonight, tomorrow, and on Saturday while she worked because the sitter isn't available until Monday and then he'll start going their again during the week.

The kicker is that this person charges Jen like 30 bucks a pop. RIDICULOUS. It was going to cost her 90 dollars for three days (not even long days) with this girl, plus 75 for the week at the sitter...she told me she didn't want to ask me because she knew I had homework, but I volunteered. I had her bring him to me at work and I watched him this evening....kept him amused, fed him, put him in the shower, read to him, watched more Spongebob than any adult should ever be subjected to, and put him to bed (Gold star for me, lol--kidding) In the midst of all that I attempted to do homework and really almost screamed when I spent an hour and half on one response and the webpage timed out causing my answer to be lost and forcing me to start from scratch. But alas, homework for one class done. Tomorrow I'm going to have to do at least one because the deadline is like 11 in the evening...but anyway...

I'm going to have lil man tomorrow night, as well as saturday, and then Sunday, if the weather holds up and I'm still alive I think the zoo is in our future--along with Jen who will be off of work. (She got hit by one of her employees tonight at work, so I'm sure their will be a blog about that soon--freakin' ghetto fabulous dykes are out of control sometimes...apparently there was someone cheating on someone and yeah I dunno...) Luckily Jen is okay.

I just have to make it through work tomorrow and everything will be just fine...I'm stalling right now because Jen probably won't get off for another thirty minutes and I'm scared that if I'm asleep that she won't try and wake me up for some good ol fashioned lesbian lovin' lol. Hell, I'll be tired and drag ass tomorrow, I don't care...I need to make that dream I had earlier a reality...

While in Colorado Jens mom took her perfume. She usually wears Hugo woman, but her mom liked it...so today when I hugged her before she left for work (after dropping off lil man) I noticed a new smell. It was Gucci something (sounded expensive but smelled decent...I'm not sure yet if it's a fave of mine or not yet...but time will tell) The real test is how it will smell mixed with her work smells...lol...she manages a movie theatre you see...so you never know how you feel about a perfume until your girl gets home and puts her arms around you and the perfume is faint, overpowered by the smell of buttered popcorn...ugh...lol...but sometimes your in the mood for a buttery salty snack...

That reminds me I need a new perfume. I dropped my favorite one and it doesnt spray right anymore...Victoria Secret's Dream Angels Divine....I also wear Ralph Lauren Romance and Guess Silver... I kind of want to stick with Divine but add something new...I've been on a weird kick lately and am using Crew hair gel, the guy stuff that smells awesome and men's deodorant (just because it works better than the girlie shit...)...hell maybe I'll start wearing cologne...yeah probably not but I'm not limiting myself on this one.

Okay...shower, hopefully sex, sleep, repeat tomorrow...

Labor Management

The warehouse switched to a new Labor Management (LM) program in February. This week is the first week that I'm holding my contractors accountable based on the warehouse's expectation. It's only fair because the fulltimers are being held accountable, why not the"temps/contractors?" The downside is that the fulltimers are measured in 2 week intervals where my guys are weekly.

The expectation is that they hit 100% for the week in production and 99% for accuracy. There are two different points programs in place, one for each. Essentially, if you don't hit 100% for the week you are issued a verbal warning and 1 point, the second time a written warning and a point, the third time a final warning and a point, the fourth time you are fired (same applies to the accuracy program)...

My role in this is to be proactive and let my people know where they stand as frequently as possible, daily in most cases so that if they had a bad day on Monday, they have time to bring up their numbers so their average for the week is 100%.

I kind of freaked when this accountability program rolled out because I thought that if my contractors werent hitting the numbers and ended up getting fired over it, it would reflect poorly on me like I wasn't doing enough to keep them from losing their jobs.

Recently I was reminded of two facts: 1. It's not my sole responsibility. There is me, plus their floor supervisor who should help them with the tools and training they need, plus themselves--they have to want to succeed in order to be successful. (It's unfortunate, but if what they are doing isn't necessarily "their cup of tea" the program will slowly weed them out so that someone who can hit the expectation can be brought in to do it) and 2. I can only do so much...I can't hold someone's hand and beg them to do it....(you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink)... our current workforce consists of a number of employees who feel as though they are owed something, not that they should earn something by actually working hard...those people are going to be out of here before they realize whats coming. In actuality I only have like maybe ten percent of my staff that isn't hitting at least 100% (many of them are in the 130s so the expectation is acheivable...) It just sucks that so many of my folks feel like everyone is against them and when help is offered they twist into something ridiculous and continue to come up with excuse after excuse.

I dunno. Sometimes I just want to shake people, other times I want to get on a forklift and back over them. Don't tell OSHA.

smoke

I need a smoke. A cigarette. Prozac on a stick... I know it will only make me feel better for a second and then I will just become irritated at the fact that I smell, no wreak of cigarettes. The taste from a single puff will linger in my mouth and despite chewing gum, brushing my teeth, or even rinsing with mouthwash...I'll still taste it.

I'll still open my mouth and see this dry, hot, smokey cloud resignate from my insides letting everyone else around me that I smoked as well. I'll wash the stink from my hands feel refreshed, only to catch a whiff of its unpleasantness in my shirt.

I never smoke the whole pack, so what a waste. I used to keep an emergency pack in the glove box, but since I smoke them so infrequently, by the time I pulled one out to get that quick, calming fix, before slipping into my nicotine coma--the tobacco was so dry and old that the cigarette burned up entirely too fast.

Ugh. Stale tobacco. Sometimes I give the cigarettes away--I know plenty of people that smoke...and would love to not spend a metric shit ton of money on a pack of smokes...but it's not worth it. It won't fix what is bothering me, only giving me something new to bitch about and take my mind off of what's really weighing it down temporarily.

Both of my grandfathers smoked. One, up until they put him on oxygen and the other until he was on oxygen and the cigarettes still killed him after stopping...it was too late. My mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend still smoke. My sister hasn't had one for about two months and my Aunt Melissa probably a month now.

ME...I haven't smoked since college...then I only did it because it gave me something to do. I never enjoyed it...never liked the taste or the smell...hate riding in the car with someone who is smoking, I guess i'm just a hater.

I need to stop looking for ways to deal with my problems through other objects. For example, I'm a mood eater. I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad, awake, it doesn't matter (though I have recently started to get that under control, thank goodness)...but looking to cigarettes isn't going to solve my problem so why waste my money. The way my mouth will feel afterwards prevents me from bumming one...

At some point I'm just going to have to face my demons and do it substance free (substance being anything ranging from sugar, soda, chocolate, cigarettes, etc) Id love be high right now...but I haven't smoked pot in over a year (because of my job, lol) and that too isn't going to fix anything...

Fuck me. (no not literally)