It feels like I pulled a muscle under my chin, how random is that. I'd love to blog about how I was trying out this new acrobatic style tantric cunnilingus move that I learned from a traveling lesbian gypsy--but alas, that is not the case. It happened sometime while I was asleep. How ridiculous is that.
I went to bed last night which was Thursday and was confident that I'd wake up and it would be Saturday morning so that I could sleep in... what a disappointment waking up was. Nope, still Friday (normally a great day, but my 5 to 6 hours of actual sleep a night has finally caught up with me and I just want to sleep in some kind of terrible)... I got to work a few minutes late because I fell asleep while standing in a hot shower. All was cool until I woke myself up freaking out because of a dream where I was drowning...
Since I was already late I called security to see if anyone was waiting for me (they weren't thank goodness)...stopped at the gas station for some liquid crack (aka Mountain Dew--I tried drinking a lo carb monster yesterday and just couldn't, my taste buds rejected it)... I get here to work, grab my clip board and head out to the warehouse floor. In the midst of my rounds I notice that a couple of my contractors are missing. (My contractors have two supervisors, me because I work for the staffing agency that employs them and their floor supervisor who works for the client, part of my job is to ensure that all of my people show up and/or are accounted for and that they perform to the expectations of the client...)
I hear my name being paged over the intercom followed by an extension to call--I call and discover the two missing people were now in the building but way late... I come to the front to coach them and see what the hell the deal is... they looked stoned out of their minds and the dude tells me that the reason he's late is "it's his birthday." Okay, happy birthday but you're still late and normal points apply... had you been here on time then you would have work, but since your late, your floor sup opted to not give you any work today... (he looked, real bent out of shape over it, NOT)... the girl, who rides with him was conveniently not feeling well but felt okay to come pick up her pay check. Today is not the day for shit like this. I don't have the patience. I issued her double points because even though she showed up, its still like calling out on a friday (which are double points days) because she didn't even make an effort to work. At five attendance points, people get fired. End of story.
So I've been a bitch already this morning...still trying to get caught up on my reports, print equipment badges for my new starts next week and get things lined up for Tuesday. The great news is that they just made the announcement that they are leaning towards NOT working on Monday which is Labor Day... they were scheduled to at first, but they got caught up with the pick and are thinking its not necessary...but we will be scheduled for ten hour days for next week in order to avoid working next Saturday....
Peak season is kind of officially here...as much as it can be right now with the economy the way it is. They are going to start picking Christmas product on Tuesday and start shipping to the stores....that's one downside to the warehouse industry (and even retail) you have to look at holiday product months before its even time to buy it...Halloween has already been shipped out, Christmas stuff is up to bat.
Friday's are supposed to be fun days as far as the daily meeting go. Ugh. Today was guess who one the Super Bowl every single year it was played. Oh yay, NOT. I don't follow football or any sports really, I like watching some from time to time,but I just don't get into it. Exes have been huge sports fanatics... mainly Football (the Giants or the Bills depending on who I was seeing at the time)... one was all about UFC, watched a few pay per views and always fell asleep before the main event... i just don't have an interest. Jen is apparently a huge Bears fan (it's sad that I just text her prior to posting this to ensure that that is in fact the team she's been talking about...I had it right which made me feel good and like I do pay attention, but since she's from Colorado, my first thought was to say the Broncos)... College basketball, Pro ball as well... I try and share this interest with her but I'm not even good at faking it.... she'll watch the stuff on tv and I'll sigh deeply, roll my eyes, and just do homework instead. What am I going to do with Regular season football fast approaching and school about to come to an end... maybe I'll take up knitting again instead...I dunno...just something about commentators and the sports thing in general that stresses me out.
I'd like to physically go to a hockey game since I've never been, but I dont want to watch it on TV. I like baseball, but don't follow on TV, I love Softball, but I just wanna go watch real people play up close and personal, not watch via TV....I dunno...
The moral of the story is that I was totally ganged up on in the meeting today. Out of five women in the room, and about 13 men, only three of us weren't football fans and could have given a shit...of those three, two of us are lesbos so a lot of the guys just assumed we were supposed to have an interest. I'm sorry but when I was given my "lesbian card" it said nothing about having to like sports in order to keep it. But then again, maybe I was too distracted by the shiny new toaster oven and swiss army knife that they gave me for "crossing over" HA.
Okay, I have work to do for real. Have to be caught up and ready for the bosses return from the Gay World Series.
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Showing posts with label humor. Show all posts
Friday, September 4, 2009
Wednesday, August 12, 2009
Running late
Pepper woke me up nudging me and doing her pee pee dance with all sorts of urgency. I sat up...looked around the room, it was already light out. The alarm clock read: 7:21--FUCK ME I OVERSLEPT AGAIN...
Panic set in and all I could think was I have new starts today...I can't be late....fuck shit fuck.... but I was already 21 minutes late and hadn't showered, brushed my teeth or any of the necessities. I was so mad at myself....
I walked down the stairs to let me Pepper out and avoid any mishaps on the rug when I noticed the lights on downstairs...that's odd, Grandma is up already. Wait a minute...the tail end of Wheel of Fortune was on the boob tube.... Oh thank god I'm just having a "blonde moment"... I haven't colored my hair in months and my blonde roots must be coming in strong....(no offense)...it was 7:30 at night....
I had sat down upstairs and tried to get motivated to paint...but my eyes were too heavy to do anything so I opted for a nap while I had the opportunity. Two hours later I woke up in panic... once I calmed down and realized that I wasn't late for work, and thankful that I hadn't called my boss immediately to tell her I was running late (because I would have never lived that down)...I laid down for another hour....the heat took a lot out of me yesterday... thats what I get for hopping in a truck and helping unload it...
Whew....that was a close one.
Panic set in and all I could think was I have new starts today...I can't be late....fuck shit fuck.... but I was already 21 minutes late and hadn't showered, brushed my teeth or any of the necessities. I was so mad at myself....
I walked down the stairs to let me Pepper out and avoid any mishaps on the rug when I noticed the lights on downstairs...that's odd, Grandma is up already. Wait a minute...the tail end of Wheel of Fortune was on the boob tube.... Oh thank god I'm just having a "blonde moment"... I haven't colored my hair in months and my blonde roots must be coming in strong....(no offense)...it was 7:30 at night....
I had sat down upstairs and tried to get motivated to paint...but my eyes were too heavy to do anything so I opted for a nap while I had the opportunity. Two hours later I woke up in panic... once I calmed down and realized that I wasn't late for work, and thankful that I hadn't called my boss immediately to tell her I was running late (because I would have never lived that down)...I laid down for another hour....the heat took a lot out of me yesterday... thats what I get for hopping in a truck and helping unload it...
Whew....that was a close one.
Thursday, July 30, 2009
Don't touch me
Picture it, Sicily 1914 (just kidding...but I do love me some Sophia from Golden Girls...) What had happened was:
I leave work yesterday and ran some errands for grandma:
-went to the bank to get cash for her only to be hassled because I don't have an account there...I told the uppity teller to go get so and so (bank pres who is a friend of Gmas) and the situation was soon remedied and I had Gma's cash in hand...
-went to the pharmacy where I picked up grandma's prescription wrote in the amount on the blank check Gma had given me...(that could have been fun, blank checks signed by grandma's always are...but I'm a responsible person so I didn't abuse it this time) lol...
-stopped at the mailbox and grabbed the mail, as well as the two newspapers (the driveway is like a half a mile long so I always just stop on my way so I don't have to go back out....
This is where it gets interesting. I drive down the driveway and pull up under the carport when I shifted the mail/papers in the seat because they were in the way of my gear shifter thing....as I do this THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER FUCKING SEEN LUNGES OUT AT ME....jesus mary and joseph....
I already had my seat belt off from stopping to get the mail. Well lucky for me there is a slight sidewalk that kept my car from rolling into the house because I JUMPED OUT OF A MOVING CAR AND DIDN'T EVEN PUT IT IN PARK....yes that's right, my dumb arachnaphobic ass tried to drive her brand new (only paid three payments) on Hyundai Tiburon with the fabulous Vagyna plates into Gmas brick house. That would have been fun right? NOT. I didn't care, the spider was too close to the gear shift, I couldn't risk it touching me for pete's sake.
So there I am in under the carport doing my skeeved out, get it off of me dance (even though I was sure it was still in the car) when the only thing I could thing is, "If I can't find it and kill it I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not getting back in my car with that thing in there...I'm not above calling my boss and telling her just that. I walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. I shifted a pile of mail checking for the spider which I was hoping was still in the seat. Not there.
I move another pile, throwing it in the flow and BAM...there it is....AAAGHHHHH! I stood there screaming in the drive way freaking out in general and rolling up a news paper trying to smack it all in one swift motion. I hit it once and it laughed at me. I heard it mutter..."bitch is that all you got..." SMACK...I hit it again, this time it humors me and plays dead....before I gave it a chance to spring back up (in good ol scary movie fashion--you know where you think someone is dead, you turn around, and they grab your ankle) I smacked it three or four or fifteen more times to ensure its demise. Still moving...unsure if it was the regular twitch of death or him fighting back I brushed it into a deep mud puddle by the car door.
My hands shaking I shut the door. My adrenaline pumping I walk back to the drivers side, I reach in and put the car in park and turn the ignition to off.....ugh...I shiver thinking about it....
I get in the house and tell of the horrible situation that had just happened only for grandma to start bitching about missing prescriptions. Back to the pharmacy and three hundred dollars later (gma is a breast cancer survivor and has to take this ungodly expensive medication every day for the next few years for it)....a stop at the Chinese restaurant for Gma and Aunt Melissas food and then to the Pizza place for a pizza for me and mandi (I don't eat Chinese)...and finally back home to do homework.
No nap, no relaxing, just freaked out from the spider situation and run down.
On a happy note, the spider that tried to eat me is not poisonous nor was it a real threat...and I'm sorry I killed it looking back--but that's what you get for looking like that, being a spider, and trying to lunge at me....FUCK THAT SHIT.
I leave work yesterday and ran some errands for grandma:
-went to the bank to get cash for her only to be hassled because I don't have an account there...I told the uppity teller to go get so and so (bank pres who is a friend of Gmas) and the situation was soon remedied and I had Gma's cash in hand...
-went to the pharmacy where I picked up grandma's prescription wrote in the amount on the blank check Gma had given me...(that could have been fun, blank checks signed by grandma's always are...but I'm a responsible person so I didn't abuse it this time) lol...
-stopped at the mailbox and grabbed the mail, as well as the two newspapers (the driveway is like a half a mile long so I always just stop on my way so I don't have to go back out....
This is where it gets interesting. I drive down the driveway and pull up under the carport when I shifted the mail/papers in the seat because they were in the way of my gear shifter thing....as I do this THE BIGGEST SPIDER I'VE EVER FUCKING SEEN LUNGES OUT AT ME....jesus mary and joseph....
I already had my seat belt off from stopping to get the mail. Well lucky for me there is a slight sidewalk that kept my car from rolling into the house because I JUMPED OUT OF A MOVING CAR AND DIDN'T EVEN PUT IT IN PARK....yes that's right, my dumb arachnaphobic ass tried to drive her brand new (only paid three payments) on Hyundai Tiburon with the fabulous Vagyna plates into Gmas brick house. That would have been fun right? NOT. I didn't care, the spider was too close to the gear shift, I couldn't risk it touching me for pete's sake.
So there I am in under the carport doing my skeeved out, get it off of me dance (even though I was sure it was still in the car) when the only thing I could thing is, "If I can't find it and kill it I'm not going to work tomorrow. I'm not getting back in my car with that thing in there...I'm not above calling my boss and telling her just that. I walked around to the passenger side and opened the door. I shifted a pile of mail checking for the spider which I was hoping was still in the seat. Not there.
I move another pile, throwing it in the flow and BAM...there it is....AAAGHHHHH! I stood there screaming in the drive way freaking out in general and rolling up a news paper trying to smack it all in one swift motion. I hit it once and it laughed at me. I heard it mutter..."bitch is that all you got..." SMACK...I hit it again, this time it humors me and plays dead....before I gave it a chance to spring back up (in good ol scary movie fashion--you know where you think someone is dead, you turn around, and they grab your ankle) I smacked it three or four or fifteen more times to ensure its demise. Still moving...unsure if it was the regular twitch of death or him fighting back I brushed it into a deep mud puddle by the car door.
My hands shaking I shut the door. My adrenaline pumping I walk back to the drivers side, I reach in and put the car in park and turn the ignition to off.....ugh...I shiver thinking about it....
I get in the house and tell of the horrible situation that had just happened only for grandma to start bitching about missing prescriptions. Back to the pharmacy and three hundred dollars later (gma is a breast cancer survivor and has to take this ungodly expensive medication every day for the next few years for it)....a stop at the Chinese restaurant for Gma and Aunt Melissas food and then to the Pizza place for a pizza for me and mandi (I don't eat Chinese)...and finally back home to do homework.
No nap, no relaxing, just freaked out from the spider situation and run down.
On a happy note, the spider that tried to eat me is not poisonous nor was it a real threat...and I'm sorry I killed it looking back--but that's what you get for looking like that, being a spider, and trying to lunge at me....FUCK THAT SHIT.
The Name Game
I stole this from Jen...I enjoyed it...perhaps ya'll will too :)
1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Tommy
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Ruth Ervin
3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
John Lloyd
4.STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, the first 3 letters of your first name to get your first name and then the first 3 letters of your mother's maiden name, the first three letters of the city in which you were born to get your last name)
GasTom CavFor
5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Black Hippo
6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Elizabeth Ft Bragg
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Green Purple Haze
8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Toga
9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Caramel Praline Crunch Macedamia Nut
10.SKANK NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
Boots Blackwater
11.GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of first name plus 'izzle')
Tomizzle
12.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Pepper
13. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Divine Hot Tamale
Hehehe.
1.YOUR REAL NAME:
Tommy
2.WITNESS PROTECTION NAME:(mother and fathers middle names)
Ruth Ervin
3.NASCAR NAME:(first name of your mother's dad, father's dad)
John Lloyd
4.STAR WARS NAME:
(the first 3 letters of your last name, the first 3 letters of your first name to get your first name and then the first 3 letters of your mother's maiden name, the first three letters of the city in which you were born to get your last name)
GasTom CavFor
5.DETECTIVE NAME:(favorite color, favorite animal)
Black Hippo
6.SOAP OPERA NAME:(middle name, town where you were born)
Elizabeth Ft Bragg
7.SUPERHERO NAME: (2nd fav color, fav drink, add "THE" to the beginning)
The Green Purple Haze
8.FLY NAME:(first 2 letters of 1st name, last 2 letters of your last name)
Toga
9.STREET NAME:(fav ice cream flavor, fav cookie)
Caramel Praline Crunch Macedamia Nut
10.SKANK NAME: (1st pet's name, street you grew up on)
Boots Blackwater
11.GANGSTA NAME:(first 3 letters of first name plus 'izzle')
Tomizzle
12.YOUR GOTH NAME:(black, and the name of one of your pets)
Black Pepper
13. STRIPPER NAME: (name of your fav perfume/cologne, fav candy)
Divine Hot Tamale
Hehehe.
Saturday, July 11, 2009
License Plate
So a lot of folks have a hard time believing that my license plate says Vagina (though spelled with a "y" instead of an "i")...I was able to get this plate in stealth mode because I use the V for UVA as the first letter so that when it's run through the system its really only listed as AGYNA...(the funny thing is that the "i" wasn't available so someone else out there has it)
Anyway, the moral of the story is that it is a frequent occurence for me to check my rear view mirror and see someone laughing their ass off and pointing or trying to catch a picture with a cell phone or actual camera...I even from time to time fear getting rear ended by people driving AND trying to take a picture of the plate.
Yesterday was a first for me however. I was sitting at a stoplight, my sister in the passenger seat and I see this chick walking up to my car with something in her hand. I'm thinking I'm about to get carjacked by a semi-preppy hot chick...then I realize that it's a camera in her hand and she had gotten out of her car to take a pic of the plate...
She wasn't even in the car directly behind me, she was in the one behind that but I can safely say thats the first time someone has gotten out of their car to get a good pic, lol. Hopefully she thought it was funny and wanted to show her friends,and isnt planning on ratting me out the State of VA and the lovely Commonwealth that it is so they revoke my plates, lol.
Friday, July 10, 2009
Mamasita
(My sister, my mom, and Me)--last fall I think...I just can't imagine anyone not loving their mother. My mom is awesome and one of my best friends. I can tell her about anything (even though she'll tell you that since college much of what I've had to share has been overshared).
My Aunt Melissa now lives with my mom. She moved here a few months ago because of many issues, some that I may not know about completely...but are irrelevant. Her son, who is 27 (my sister's age) is now married and his wife is a bitch. She is caniving and putting all kinds of negative thoughts in his mind and since marrying her has actually disowned his mom. He and his wife gave birth to his first child (she already had like 9 or ten other ones--okay like four or five for real) and my Aunt Melissa has never even been allowed to hold her only grandson.
They have actually turned on my grandmother (my mom's mom, not gma who I live with) and my grandmother practically raised him...so he's just totally flipping on folks and thinks that everyone lied to him or some shit...I dunno...but he will have nothing to do with his mother and it tears her to pieces.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me, "I could murder someone and you still better bring me cigarettes in jail." I laughed and responded, "I have no problem bringing you smokes in jail--cuz Lord knows you'd never be able to handle trading sexual favors with the lesbians to earn your own cigarettes." She laughed and told me I was right...did that weird, ugh quiver thing she did as she wiped the image of her and another woman out of her mind and kept driving.
I love my mom. Even after she told me when I was 18 that my dad isn't my real dad (yeah that will have to be another blog if I haven't already written it) I still loved her in spite of feeling confused, crushed, etc... She's my mom...she could have opted for an abortion like her parents and friends were pushing for....but she didn't she got the best thing possible out of the deal--ME!
Lol. Anway y mom is awesome. Truley amazing and I love her. When I sat her down to have "the talk" with her about me being gay....it went like this:
Me: mom we need to talk
Mom: You're gay
Me: Wow that was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be
She didn't even blink...she knew before I did, lol. And it's awesome that I have a mom and family who love me for me....and respect my partner just the same. My mom and family love Jen like she's been in my life since I was five...it's a good feeling. They give her shit all the time for being Mexican (which is how my family shows affection--through sarcasm and jokes)... She joins right in with them... it's crazy. But it is funny how I Love mexican food and now technically am dating an all I can eat buffet, HAHAH.
Okay, sorry that may have been uncalled for....yeah right. Okay, I'm going to go do some work now...for real this time.
My Aunt Melissa now lives with my mom. She moved here a few months ago because of many issues, some that I may not know about completely...but are irrelevant. Her son, who is 27 (my sister's age) is now married and his wife is a bitch. She is caniving and putting all kinds of negative thoughts in his mind and since marrying her has actually disowned his mom. He and his wife gave birth to his first child (she already had like 9 or ten other ones--okay like four or five for real) and my Aunt Melissa has never even been allowed to hold her only grandson.
They have actually turned on my grandmother (my mom's mom, not gma who I live with) and my grandmother practically raised him...so he's just totally flipping on folks and thinks that everyone lied to him or some shit...I dunno...but he will have nothing to do with his mother and it tears her to pieces.
I was talking to my mom the other day and she told me, "I could murder someone and you still better bring me cigarettes in jail." I laughed and responded, "I have no problem bringing you smokes in jail--cuz Lord knows you'd never be able to handle trading sexual favors with the lesbians to earn your own cigarettes." She laughed and told me I was right...did that weird, ugh quiver thing she did as she wiped the image of her and another woman out of her mind and kept driving.
I love my mom. Even after she told me when I was 18 that my dad isn't my real dad (yeah that will have to be another blog if I haven't already written it) I still loved her in spite of feeling confused, crushed, etc... She's my mom...she could have opted for an abortion like her parents and friends were pushing for....but she didn't she got the best thing possible out of the deal--ME!
Lol. Anway y mom is awesome. Truley amazing and I love her. When I sat her down to have "the talk" with her about me being gay....it went like this:
Me: mom we need to talk
Mom: You're gay
Me: Wow that was a lot easier than I thought it was going to be
She didn't even blink...she knew before I did, lol. And it's awesome that I have a mom and family who love me for me....and respect my partner just the same. My mom and family love Jen like she's been in my life since I was five...it's a good feeling. They give her shit all the time for being Mexican (which is how my family shows affection--through sarcasm and jokes)... She joins right in with them... it's crazy. But it is funny how I Love mexican food and now technically am dating an all I can eat buffet, HAHAH.
Okay, sorry that may have been uncalled for....yeah right. Okay, I'm going to go do some work now...for real this time.
That not so fresh feeling
So I was talking the other night with Jen, Gma, and Aunt Melissa and I'm not even sure that I recall how the topic came up (maybe it was after the arm pit waxing debaucle...) but we got on the topic of horrific things that have happened around our "hoo has" (aka cooter, vagina, princess, beaver, etc)...
Aunt Melissa shared that she once bought some Summer's Eve Feminine Spray to try out and see what all the hype was about, but when she got out of the shower she grabbed the wrong can and ended up spraying hairspray directly onto her "girlie parts, lol." I suppose that once the burning wore off she had the best styled hair pie around. Weird.
There was this one time that I had pulled a muscle in my inner thigh some way or another and before going to bed one night I put some ICY HOT on it to make it feel better. Well most of the time I opt for being commando when I'm sleeping (I like the security of clothes, but the freedom that not wearing underwear provides) and well I failed to consider the potential catastrophy that awaited. I climbed into bed, laid on my side as that is generally how I sleep (tossing and turning from one side to the other) I sat straight up in bed about twenty minutes later after waking up to to my crotch being on fire. I literally thought there were flames shooting out of my vagina and that any hair that was there had been burned off in the process. THIRD DEGREE BURNS, THIRD DEGREE BURNS--I ran into the bathroom, dropping my shorts to the floor, foot up on the counter splashing water on my hoo ha to make the burning stop!!! OH DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP....
The water really did nothing for it and I mainly just felt like a dumbass for not thinking the ICY HOT thing all the way through....In all seriousness I wasn't hurt or burned, but it was a definite discomfort...like I didnt have a free hand and decided to hold a hot curling iron in between my legs...yeah it was crucial.
We shared some more stories, though I can't remember them all, but I thought this were fun and wanted to share...
Moral of the story: Please read labels before applying anything on or near your girlie parts.
Aunt Melissa shared that she once bought some Summer's Eve Feminine Spray to try out and see what all the hype was about, but when she got out of the shower she grabbed the wrong can and ended up spraying hairspray directly onto her "girlie parts, lol." I suppose that once the burning wore off she had the best styled hair pie around. Weird.
There was this one time that I had pulled a muscle in my inner thigh some way or another and before going to bed one night I put some ICY HOT on it to make it feel better. Well most of the time I opt for being commando when I'm sleeping (I like the security of clothes, but the freedom that not wearing underwear provides) and well I failed to consider the potential catastrophy that awaited. I climbed into bed, laid on my side as that is generally how I sleep (tossing and turning from one side to the other) I sat straight up in bed about twenty minutes later after waking up to to my crotch being on fire. I literally thought there were flames shooting out of my vagina and that any hair that was there had been burned off in the process. THIRD DEGREE BURNS, THIRD DEGREE BURNS--I ran into the bathroom, dropping my shorts to the floor, foot up on the counter splashing water on my hoo ha to make the burning stop!!! OH DEAR GOD MAKE IT STOP....
The water really did nothing for it and I mainly just felt like a dumbass for not thinking the ICY HOT thing all the way through....In all seriousness I wasn't hurt or burned, but it was a definite discomfort...like I didnt have a free hand and decided to hold a hot curling iron in between my legs...yeah it was crucial.
We shared some more stories, though I can't remember them all, but I thought this were fun and wanted to share...
Moral of the story: Please read labels before applying anything on or near your girlie parts.
Wednesday, July 8, 2009
Hot Poker
I have determined that I seriously need a hobby. Though it's not so much the not having things to do, but more of a poor time management thing on my part. Of all the the things I needed to get accomplished yesterday (i.e. homework, hip hop abs, cleaning, and what not) I pretty much only did the hip hop abs and then out of shear boredom apparently had a moment of pure stupidity.
Okay, what had happened was...I realized that Jen is going to be busy the majority of this week (she leaves on Sunday to fly back home to Colorado to pick up her son who has had visitation with his dad since like Aprilish)--So I get the bright idea to invite her over to hang out with me, Grandma, and Aunt Melissa and have dinner (and of course stay the night). I told her we were having beans and cornbread (though I'm sure she was a little disappointed when she realized that when my family says beans, we literally mean beans) lol--she thought I meant Chili... I was like, no, I would have said Chili if we were having chili :) Six of one, 1/2 dozen of another...
So anyway--the 15 bean soup was pretty bad ass and hit the spot. After cleaning up the mess I decided that while I was still motivated I'd do my workout. Yesterday was the first day that I had to do two DVDs rather than the normal one. 3/4 of the way into it I was cussing the TV and Shaun T, the hip hop abs guy...flipping the TV off and everything. I was convinced I was going to die, but I finished it...so right on.
While I worked out I had the wax heating (one of the great things about being a professional cosmetologist is that I can buy professional products for home use, but get them at a killer deal, not what they are marked up to in salons--last year I treated myself to a waxing spa. It comes with the stuff to do legs, arms, bikini, eyebrows...anything you can think to wax really)...
I trimmed up Jen's hair so that she'd be presentable to see her folks this weekend and waxed her brows for her. She's kind of a wimp when it comes to these things and on a fucked up level I really enjoy inflicting pain on people in that sense (I wanted to be a piercer or tattoo artist for a while, lol)... Well Jen, got a wild hair up her ass and was like let me wax your arm pits.
Ya'll should know that I only shave the pits like maybe once a week (and that's if I think about it)... kind of gross I know, but skin is easily irritated and I'd rather have hairy pits than itchy bumpy ones ya know, but again, I digress. But it drives jen insane (she's a I shave every day kind of girl)
So I agree to her waxing my pits. Granted, I know its going to hurt like a mother fucker because when I first got the wax system I attempted to wax my arm pits just to try it out and I nearly died. So she's all like, "We don't have to do this..." I told her that it would make her feel better (she had had a shitty day and I knew that if she was anything like me she'd enjoy being on that end of the wax...
YANK!!! Dear god--okay I survived, the problem was that I put my arm down and the wax residue made my arm stick to my body so the lifting of my arm part was rather difficult...a couple more Yanks trying to remedy this situation...and the pit was smooth as a babys butt...the other one was done for symmetry but by this point, Jen, who was feeling bad for "not doing it right," as she put it (I think she did fine under the circumstances)... out of nowhere says, so you wanna wax me... "down there..."
I said I would do an "edge" as a test strip because I didnt want her to have a reaction to the wax and be miserable and out of commission for several days...some how or another we decided to wax her lower back (side note...in a past life I was part Sasquatch and am always having to wax or pluck...its kind of out of control, Jen is similar in many ways)...so anyway-- I apply the wax over her "tramp stamp" and attempt to yank out the little baby hairs that have come in, but before I can really even get it on her she's freaking out...."okay i can't do this, it's gonna be hot, oh my god..." and what have you....
Thats when it happened. I pissed my pants. Literally, no almost about it. 28 damn years old and peed my pants like I was 2... REALLY...I could not stop laughing...neither one of us could breathe I was laughing so hard...Aunt Melissa hollers up the stairs..."Are you guys alright...are ya'll laughing or crying? BOTH I yelled down the stairs...
I pull myself together and get the strip applied....she changes her mind. Nope I can't do it she yelled...I start to flip out in the midst of my laughing explaining that once the wax is on and strip to remove it is pressed to it, there is no turning back, it's gotta come off and the only way to have that happen is to YANK!!! Suprise yank....she jumped up went running into the other room, cussing, tearing up, the works...me...I'm still laughing...
Moral of the story is, homework was postponed one more day, the upstairs is still a mess, but damn if I don't have some killer smooth arm pits--it's a shame that it feels like I put out a hot poker in each one of them. It's not even comfortable to have my arms down yet....FRIGGIN' A... I need to get a hobby.
Okay, what had happened was...I realized that Jen is going to be busy the majority of this week (she leaves on Sunday to fly back home to Colorado to pick up her son who has had visitation with his dad since like Aprilish)--So I get the bright idea to invite her over to hang out with me, Grandma, and Aunt Melissa and have dinner (and of course stay the night). I told her we were having beans and cornbread (though I'm sure she was a little disappointed when she realized that when my family says beans, we literally mean beans) lol--she thought I meant Chili... I was like, no, I would have said Chili if we were having chili :) Six of one, 1/2 dozen of another...
So anyway--the 15 bean soup was pretty bad ass and hit the spot. After cleaning up the mess I decided that while I was still motivated I'd do my workout. Yesterday was the first day that I had to do two DVDs rather than the normal one. 3/4 of the way into it I was cussing the TV and Shaun T, the hip hop abs guy...flipping the TV off and everything. I was convinced I was going to die, but I finished it...so right on.
While I worked out I had the wax heating (one of the great things about being a professional cosmetologist is that I can buy professional products for home use, but get them at a killer deal, not what they are marked up to in salons--last year I treated myself to a waxing spa. It comes with the stuff to do legs, arms, bikini, eyebrows...anything you can think to wax really)...
I trimmed up Jen's hair so that she'd be presentable to see her folks this weekend and waxed her brows for her. She's kind of a wimp when it comes to these things and on a fucked up level I really enjoy inflicting pain on people in that sense (I wanted to be a piercer or tattoo artist for a while, lol)... Well Jen, got a wild hair up her ass and was like let me wax your arm pits.
Ya'll should know that I only shave the pits like maybe once a week (and that's if I think about it)... kind of gross I know, but skin is easily irritated and I'd rather have hairy pits than itchy bumpy ones ya know, but again, I digress. But it drives jen insane (she's a I shave every day kind of girl)
So I agree to her waxing my pits. Granted, I know its going to hurt like a mother fucker because when I first got the wax system I attempted to wax my arm pits just to try it out and I nearly died. So she's all like, "We don't have to do this..." I told her that it would make her feel better (she had had a shitty day and I knew that if she was anything like me she'd enjoy being on that end of the wax...
YANK!!! Dear god--okay I survived, the problem was that I put my arm down and the wax residue made my arm stick to my body so the lifting of my arm part was rather difficult...a couple more Yanks trying to remedy this situation...and the pit was smooth as a babys butt...the other one was done for symmetry but by this point, Jen, who was feeling bad for "not doing it right," as she put it (I think she did fine under the circumstances)... out of nowhere says, so you wanna wax me... "down there..."
I said I would do an "edge" as a test strip because I didnt want her to have a reaction to the wax and be miserable and out of commission for several days...some how or another we decided to wax her lower back (side note...in a past life I was part Sasquatch and am always having to wax or pluck...its kind of out of control, Jen is similar in many ways)...so anyway-- I apply the wax over her "tramp stamp" and attempt to yank out the little baby hairs that have come in, but before I can really even get it on her she's freaking out...."okay i can't do this, it's gonna be hot, oh my god..." and what have you....
Thats when it happened. I pissed my pants. Literally, no almost about it. 28 damn years old and peed my pants like I was 2... REALLY...I could not stop laughing...neither one of us could breathe I was laughing so hard...Aunt Melissa hollers up the stairs..."Are you guys alright...are ya'll laughing or crying? BOTH I yelled down the stairs...
I pull myself together and get the strip applied....she changes her mind. Nope I can't do it she yelled...I start to flip out in the midst of my laughing explaining that once the wax is on and strip to remove it is pressed to it, there is no turning back, it's gotta come off and the only way to have that happen is to YANK!!! Suprise yank....she jumped up went running into the other room, cussing, tearing up, the works...me...I'm still laughing...
Moral of the story is, homework was postponed one more day, the upstairs is still a mess, but damn if I don't have some killer smooth arm pits--it's a shame that it feels like I put out a hot poker in each one of them. It's not even comfortable to have my arms down yet....FRIGGIN' A... I need to get a hobby.
Monday, June 8, 2009
Right on
So Jen, Mandi (my sister), Melissa (my aunt), John (my uncle), Jeremy (my cousin) and I went to see The Hangover last night at Jen's theatre.
First, let me tell you that in one vehichle was John and Jeremy and in Jen's car was all the girls. We started by all making fun of Jen's honda element and commenting on things like if they made it in yellow it would be a for real short bus. The conversation progressed to embarrassing sexual stories. I'm stoked because now my sister has a toilet paper issue and I'm not alone (long story short it involves the heat of the moment and a little smidgen of tp getting caught up in the hair and then discovered by someone that obviously isn't yourself)...well turns out someone (I wont say any names and embarrass anyone--but it rhymes with Candy) has a story that involves anal sex resulting in a sunflower seed. She was telling us how her ex husband was hitting it anally when he pulled out she "sharted" sort of and a sunflower seed (from her salad earlier in the day) shot out and landed on the couch.
Sure it's gross, but I laughed my ass off as did everyone else in the car. We almost died because Jen was laughing so hard and trying not to pee all over the place and drive all at the same time. None of us could breathe.
So we get to the movie, WHICH WAS AWESOME BY THE WAY AND I REALLY RECOMMEND IT!!! And nearly pee our pants all over again. Jen has this thing where when someone gags, makes the sound like they are going to throw up, or actually throws up she nearly loses it (mind you, she hasn't lost it yet)...so in the moving someone threw up and she nearly did too....which made me laugh even more...(i guess I'm kind of evil)
That movie was wrong on so many levels but it was good to laugh that hard and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. On the way home it was on like donkey kong all over again because we continued talking about the sunflower seed incident among other comical topics. By the time we got back home my head was killing me and it was late and I had to go to bed....it was an early morning monday....
I'm so ready to go back to bed...I will own that movie when it comes out on DVD...for sure.
First, let me tell you that in one vehichle was John and Jeremy and in Jen's car was all the girls. We started by all making fun of Jen's honda element and commenting on things like if they made it in yellow it would be a for real short bus. The conversation progressed to embarrassing sexual stories. I'm stoked because now my sister has a toilet paper issue and I'm not alone (long story short it involves the heat of the moment and a little smidgen of tp getting caught up in the hair and then discovered by someone that obviously isn't yourself)...well turns out someone (I wont say any names and embarrass anyone--but it rhymes with Candy) has a story that involves anal sex resulting in a sunflower seed. She was telling us how her ex husband was hitting it anally when he pulled out she "sharted" sort of and a sunflower seed (from her salad earlier in the day) shot out and landed on the couch.
Sure it's gross, but I laughed my ass off as did everyone else in the car. We almost died because Jen was laughing so hard and trying not to pee all over the place and drive all at the same time. None of us could breathe.
So we get to the movie, WHICH WAS AWESOME BY THE WAY AND I REALLY RECOMMEND IT!!! And nearly pee our pants all over again. Jen has this thing where when someone gags, makes the sound like they are going to throw up, or actually throws up she nearly loses it (mind you, she hasn't lost it yet)...so in the moving someone threw up and she nearly did too....which made me laugh even more...(i guess I'm kind of evil)
That movie was wrong on so many levels but it was good to laugh that hard and everyone thoroughly enjoyed it. On the way home it was on like donkey kong all over again because we continued talking about the sunflower seed incident among other comical topics. By the time we got back home my head was killing me and it was late and I had to go to bed....it was an early morning monday....
I'm so ready to go back to bed...I will own that movie when it comes out on DVD...for sure.
Friday, June 5, 2009
Mistaken Identity
So on my lunch break I ran a couple of errands looking for some stuff that Gma had requested. I went to Family Dollar where I wasn't in there more than like five seconds before some girl in a very bubbly, very cheerleader like voice started asking me if we carried disposable picnic table cloths or something, I turned around and was like, I dunno I dont work here....(probably a little bitchier than I intended to)
I leave there after not finding what I was looking for and went to Dollar General on the same mission. There I was asked if I worked there at which point I responded, No, Sorry. Then on the way out (still not finding what I was looking for) I was stopped by the manager who seemed to excitedly shout, "HEY YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD WORK HERE WITH YOUR BLACK, YOUR TAN, AND YOUR NAME BADGE ON" hahahah....he thought it was amusing...
I look down only to realize that I'm not wearing my official Aerotek shirt but the navy blue Ecko polo that jen gave me, khaki shorts and my warehouse badge that gets me in and out of the doors...
What did I learn from this? Well going to Food Lion after work is out of the question until I change anyway....this outfit is obviously a little too employee of the month...I need to go to walmart now too...yeah I think I'll change first for sure.
I leave there after not finding what I was looking for and went to Dollar General on the same mission. There I was asked if I worked there at which point I responded, No, Sorry. Then on the way out (still not finding what I was looking for) I was stopped by the manager who seemed to excitedly shout, "HEY YOU LOOK LIKE YOU COULD WORK HERE WITH YOUR BLACK, YOUR TAN, AND YOUR NAME BADGE ON" hahahah....he thought it was amusing...
I look down only to realize that I'm not wearing my official Aerotek shirt but the navy blue Ecko polo that jen gave me, khaki shorts and my warehouse badge that gets me in and out of the doors...
What did I learn from this? Well going to Food Lion after work is out of the question until I change anyway....this outfit is obviously a little too employee of the month...I need to go to walmart now too...yeah I think I'll change first for sure.
Thursday, June 4, 2009
Grandma's Vagina
So I can tell that I'm really missing having grandma around the house more and more these days. Even though I go and visit her daily at the nursing home where she recooperates after falling and breaking her femur...shit just isnt the same around the house.
I keep recalling the time September of last year when I was having some female issues and had to have an outpatient procedure to attempt to correct the problem and how sincere grandma was and how she kept trying to make me feel better because of how much pain I was in. I remember coming downstairs to get a drink of water, she sat at her computer...when out of know where she looked at me and said: "I must be having sympathy pains because my vagina hurts." LOL.
Grandma's 78 year old vagina hurts because mine did...now that's love, lol.
I keep recalling the time September of last year when I was having some female issues and had to have an outpatient procedure to attempt to correct the problem and how sincere grandma was and how she kept trying to make me feel better because of how much pain I was in. I remember coming downstairs to get a drink of water, she sat at her computer...when out of know where she looked at me and said: "I must be having sympathy pains because my vagina hurts." LOL.
Grandma's 78 year old vagina hurts because mine did...now that's love, lol.
Tuesday, June 2, 2009
Grandma's Pimpin me out...
So I go to see Gma yesterday (she's still in the home by the way) she opted to stay when it was at the request of her physical therapist. She's doing really well trying to not undo the healing that has been done already. So anyway...I walk in--it was monday so the day I wash, blowdry and curl her hair.
She immediately tells me, no, orders me to go down the hall and introduce myself to some dude named Norman because he's past due on a haircut and needs one. So I do it...Nice guy but bed ridden while he heals. Something to do with congenital heart failure and his legs have to be higher than his heart or something along those lines and hes fairly young for all that, can't be more than mid fifties or sixty.
So anyway, I have plans today to go see Gma...after which I will be cutting Normans hair while he lays in bed. This is a new one even for me. (it may be tomorrow if he's not back from his doctors appointment).
I'm not bothered by this I mean I have thought of volunteering many times at the home but never have...I mean old people love me... the moral of the story is that I just can't believe that Gma is pimpin me out for my haircutting skills. WTF? Sometimes I just wanna shake her... never would though, lol.
She immediately tells me, no, orders me to go down the hall and introduce myself to some dude named Norman because he's past due on a haircut and needs one. So I do it...Nice guy but bed ridden while he heals. Something to do with congenital heart failure and his legs have to be higher than his heart or something along those lines and hes fairly young for all that, can't be more than mid fifties or sixty.
So anyway, I have plans today to go see Gma...after which I will be cutting Normans hair while he lays in bed. This is a new one even for me. (it may be tomorrow if he's not back from his doctors appointment).
I'm not bothered by this I mean I have thought of volunteering many times at the home but never have...I mean old people love me... the moral of the story is that I just can't believe that Gma is pimpin me out for my haircutting skills. WTF? Sometimes I just wanna shake her... never would though, lol.
Friday, May 1, 2009
True story
So I got to work this morning...I was on time (I'm getting better at this, lol) but something on my sleeve caught the corner of my eye. I look at my sleeve thinking that I had brushed up against some wet paint or something...and I had a DUH moment for real.
You see, I wear navy blue polos to work that have my companies name embroidered on the chest (Aerotek)...well it turns out that my sleeve actually has my girlfriend's name on it... Yep, big as day, Jen L___. WTF? and instead of Aerotek displayed on my chest, it says Cinemark...definitely not who signs my paychecks, lol.
Oh well, there were like five people in the whole warehouse so no one noticed but I found it amusing as hell. Apparently, Jen left some clothes here the other day and I washed them...well me, pushing it to the last possible moment to roll out of bed, got up, hopped in the shower, and grabbed a clean blue shirt out of the pile and bounced....the moral of the story is that Perhaps I should read the company name on my shirt to make sure its mine before sporting the wrong shirt at work.
As funny as it is, I felt weird...it was like wearing underwear I thought were mine, then at the end of the day taking them off only to discover someone elses initials in them (ha...like i label my underwear, not likely) hell when I'm at home in my comfort zone I dont even bother with them, ha.
You see, I wear navy blue polos to work that have my companies name embroidered on the chest (Aerotek)...well it turns out that my sleeve actually has my girlfriend's name on it... Yep, big as day, Jen L___. WTF? and instead of Aerotek displayed on my chest, it says Cinemark...definitely not who signs my paychecks, lol.
Oh well, there were like five people in the whole warehouse so no one noticed but I found it amusing as hell. Apparently, Jen left some clothes here the other day and I washed them...well me, pushing it to the last possible moment to roll out of bed, got up, hopped in the shower, and grabbed a clean blue shirt out of the pile and bounced....the moral of the story is that Perhaps I should read the company name on my shirt to make sure its mine before sporting the wrong shirt at work.
As funny as it is, I felt weird...it was like wearing underwear I thought were mine, then at the end of the day taking them off only to discover someone elses initials in them (ha...like i label my underwear, not likely) hell when I'm at home in my comfort zone I dont even bother with them, ha.
Monday, April 27, 2009
why i love her
So Jen and I both have some sort of creepin crud... perhaps the swine flu, lol...
We both have this dry persistent nonproductive cough...and its driving her bonkers. I bought some alkaseltzer to loosen the shit up in our chests and "quiet" the cough...
Well she's over in the chair playing with her new Nintendo DS (she's so spoiled when it comes to her electronics) I'm watching Pretty Woman, cuddling with Pepper and catching up on stuff on the computer...
Well to get to the point of the blog...Jen has been putting off taking this alka seltzer for like an hour now...she takes one swallow and then dry heeves....her reaction to things can be so animated sometimes and I don't know why but it makes me laugh from the inside out when she does that dry heeving thing.
I farted once and she walked into it and did the same thing and I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. That my dears is one reason why I love her.
We both have this dry persistent nonproductive cough...and its driving her bonkers. I bought some alkaseltzer to loosen the shit up in our chests and "quiet" the cough...
Well she's over in the chair playing with her new Nintendo DS (she's so spoiled when it comes to her electronics) I'm watching Pretty Woman, cuddling with Pepper and catching up on stuff on the computer...
Well to get to the point of the blog...Jen has been putting off taking this alka seltzer for like an hour now...she takes one swallow and then dry heeves....her reaction to things can be so animated sometimes and I don't know why but it makes me laugh from the inside out when she does that dry heeving thing.
I farted once and she walked into it and did the same thing and I almost peed my pants laughing so hard. That my dears is one reason why I love her.
Tuesday, April 14, 2009
How did I not know?
Awe... my very first mullet....wtf? Funny though...nonetheless...
This is like the most butch picture of me EVER, lol. I'm way too easily amused right now...GOOD TIMES.
Look below...How did I NOT know that I was gonna grow up and be gay? Lol. Thinking back on things it all makes perfect sense now...
This is like the most butch picture of me EVER, lol. I'm way too easily amused right now...GOOD TIMES.Wednesday, April 8, 2009
I think we're dead
So this is a totally old video at this point...but I find myself thinking about it when I need a good laugh. Actually, it makes me almost pee my pants, no matter how many times I watch it--I can't help it, apparently I'm easily amused :0)
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