My head hurts. It's one of those headaches that starts behind your eyeballs and spreads across the top of your head...eventually making simple tasks like breathing nearly unbearable. The warehouse noises aren't helping... I'm in a slump.
I got what felt like my first official coaching from my boss yesterday over the telephone since she's in Texas this week helping the implementation team or something. I'm finding it more and more difficult to care, but I need to snap out of it so I don't lose my job before I have something else lined up.
Long story short, I hadn't received the information necessary from the client to issue performance points for my people. (4 performance points equals termination)... I don't have access to their systems and therefore must wait for them to provide the information to me. I was two weeks behind when I finally got the print outs on Friday. I wrote an email to my boss explaining that I wasn't going to backdate points (because I thought it was fucking stupid)... She didn't read the email until yesterday after landing in San Antonio.
She explained to me that just because I was frustrated with the way things are doesn't mean that I can just take a break from issuing points because the information wasn't provided, blah blah blah. She was valid in what she said, because while I wasn't given the information I didn't exactly go and harass anyone until they gave it to me. So I was in the wrong and I own that.
It just sucks to be in a slump and have a hard time getting out of it. Because what it boils down to is that whether I hate my job on a given day or not (though I'm thankful to have one) my presence affects my contractors. Just because I don't hold them accountable for a week doesn't mean that the client won't.
My boss reminded me today that my job out here is to hold my people accountable. Well you know what I'm tired. I'm tired of attempting to coach and develop someone just for them to fired the next day before it even has a chance to sink in. I'm tired of constantly firing someone, I'm tired of being invisible, I'm tired of having no impact whatsoever. I'm just tired.
I remember when I used to love this job. Looked forward to coming in every afternoon...but here lately, I don't look forward to anything work related. There is no passion. Just me, showing up and pissing people off. Sure, no one wants to be held accountable, but hey that's my job, so pissing people off and firing folks for not meeting the expectations is a given...
I suppose that right now it's even worse than normal because of how shitty I feel and how I just get the vibe that there is something better out there for me. Of course with ten hour days six days a week, when does one have time to find it? By the time I get off of work, go home, cook dinner, amuse grandma for a few, and get upstairs it's already 8... and I need to be in bed by 9:30 to even function the next morning....
I feel lost. alone. afraid. hopeless. I'm mad at myself for having to have been coached... freakin' first time in 15 months though...not exactly a bad record, but still...I neglected to take the whole co-employment picture into account. I lost sight of things and let my frustration get the best of me. Fucking a. Fucking a.
I just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep for nine days.
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Showing posts with label stress. Show all posts
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Saturday, October 17, 2009
14 months
It only took 14 months for the General Manager to acknowledge, accept, appreciate, and laugh at my sense of humor. It's like all of a sudden something clicked and he was like, "wow, Tommy's pretty clever..." or something. He told me a couple of weeks ago that he was impressed by the little one liner I offered at the daily meeting... (my thought was, dude I do it all the time, where have you been...) made note and just kept it moving.
Yesterday, he talked to me a bit more which still makes me paranoid...yes, I'm one of "those people." But this morning, this morning was icing on the cake. I'm out on the floor (yes working on a saturday, eww) and he comes up to me and is like "hey, are those the two girls from yesterday that were spotted just chillin' after pretending to be sick and leaving work?" I explained they were and that my boss and his ops manager had decided that a final warning was acceptable simply because they need bodies here to work with the volume as high as it is. I assured him that my boss was working on getting more quality people in here so that we wouldn't have to tolerate such things in the future. He wasn't amused.
He wanted to know why we were wasting time on them and just hadn't fired them. I explained it to him again, but using different verbage and added how on a personal note I'm trying to not get frustrated by the fact that we can't hire dependable people that come to work on the regular and want to be here.... I said a few other things and he stopped. ( I assumed I had said something wrong) He looks at me and says, "Tommy don't lose that passion... when you lose that passion, that's when you begin to accept mediocrity." It was deep, but weird. Did I just have a philosophical moment with the GM, a dude who has kept communication with me to a bare minimum since my start here over 14 months ago? Wow...breakthrough or twilight zone? I'm not sure.
To top it off I had continued on my "rounds" and was helping some of my ladies reticket some items and build a pallet when he walks by and is like "Tommy can I talk to you." Okay sure... the convo went something like this:
Me: Yes sir, what's up
Him: I thought you were going out of town this weekend
Me: (chuckled) I was, but we had to work today...and no one could cover my shift (meaning I didn't bother asking my boss because I knew she wouldn't be interested), so I had plans of being gone, but it didn't work out
Him: Oh, I'm sorry about that, so you're saving the trip for another time?
Me; Well it worked out that I was broke this weekend anyway and couldn't afford to go, plus I was out sick on tuesday and since I don't get sick time, I need the few extra hours to make up for it....
Him: Oh Okay, I just new we had talked about it earlier this week...I was confused. I'm glad to see you're not in a bad mood though... "Grumpy Tommy" has the potential for fifty pissed off people from the start (in reference to my contractors)...
He continued laughing about how he uses the "Grumpy Tommy" metaphor as a management strategy in meetings or something...okay weirdo. I mean yeah, sort of funny, but I'm more concerned by why this guy is talking to me all of a sudden. I'm freaking out.
I'm kind of in GM overload. People totally switching it up on me like that freaks me the hell out. It would be one thing if he were bipolar or something and constantly up and down...but this is a total change from how things normally are. I'm paranoid.
There are rumors of more cuts within the client company happening by February...I don't see my job lasting into the new year... I don't see the presence of the staffing company I work for being out here period by that time... I'm being realistic. In order for the client to survive (despite the numerous cuts they've already made) they are going to have to operate bare bones to make up for the labor involved in peak "production"... I just hope that my resume catches someone's attention by that point so that I can leave voluntarily rather than being escorted out. Blah.
I've thought about looking for work in new cities or areas, but I don't know where to begin...or where I'd want to work. I love new england, never been and they have shitty cold winters but I've always been drawn there...Maine especially. Oregon has always caught my eye, so has Washington State... I don't see myself in a Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi place or the surrounding area....
Georgia maybe, South Carolina, North Carolina dependent upon the area.... Texas, not really but I dunno, Oklahoma, Kansas or Tornado anywhere, fuck no.... Arizona and New Mexico sure... but the freaky snakes and spiders rule it out... California, nah... Nevada, Utah, Nah.... Idaho, what the fuck, no, Colorado, maybe... Minnesota, South/North Dakota, Alaska.... negative... I'm not trying to be in Virginia forever but I definitely have to research before actually following through on such a drastic thought. Ohio, no... I think a good portion of Ohio is now living in Virginia simply for the military bases around here... there and Kansas seem to have folks that join the military just to get the hell up out of there, haha.... why would I go sprinting that route... Michigan...Wisconsin...I dunno...
I'm amused about the thought of just picking up and starting fresh, but in reality I could do that with a move out of grandma's house you know, I don't have to leave the state... Canada would be a thought... but not the french side... lol. I guess I've kind of narrowed it down a bit, I mean shit, what's left really, lol. Oh West Virginia--NEGATIVE...i Have family there...which means I'm already related to probably the whole state somehow or another...
I digress...spreadsheets to do... gotta get ready for Monday.
Yesterday, he talked to me a bit more which still makes me paranoid...yes, I'm one of "those people." But this morning, this morning was icing on the cake. I'm out on the floor (yes working on a saturday, eww) and he comes up to me and is like "hey, are those the two girls from yesterday that were spotted just chillin' after pretending to be sick and leaving work?" I explained they were and that my boss and his ops manager had decided that a final warning was acceptable simply because they need bodies here to work with the volume as high as it is. I assured him that my boss was working on getting more quality people in here so that we wouldn't have to tolerate such things in the future. He wasn't amused.
He wanted to know why we were wasting time on them and just hadn't fired them. I explained it to him again, but using different verbage and added how on a personal note I'm trying to not get frustrated by the fact that we can't hire dependable people that come to work on the regular and want to be here.... I said a few other things and he stopped. ( I assumed I had said something wrong) He looks at me and says, "Tommy don't lose that passion... when you lose that passion, that's when you begin to accept mediocrity." It was deep, but weird. Did I just have a philosophical moment with the GM, a dude who has kept communication with me to a bare minimum since my start here over 14 months ago? Wow...breakthrough or twilight zone? I'm not sure.
To top it off I had continued on my "rounds" and was helping some of my ladies reticket some items and build a pallet when he walks by and is like "Tommy can I talk to you." Okay sure... the convo went something like this:
Me: Yes sir, what's up
Him: I thought you were going out of town this weekend
Me: (chuckled) I was, but we had to work today...and no one could cover my shift (meaning I didn't bother asking my boss because I knew she wouldn't be interested), so I had plans of being gone, but it didn't work out
Him: Oh, I'm sorry about that, so you're saving the trip for another time?
Me; Well it worked out that I was broke this weekend anyway and couldn't afford to go, plus I was out sick on tuesday and since I don't get sick time, I need the few extra hours to make up for it....
Him: Oh Okay, I just new we had talked about it earlier this week...I was confused. I'm glad to see you're not in a bad mood though... "Grumpy Tommy" has the potential for fifty pissed off people from the start (in reference to my contractors)...
He continued laughing about how he uses the "Grumpy Tommy" metaphor as a management strategy in meetings or something...okay weirdo. I mean yeah, sort of funny, but I'm more concerned by why this guy is talking to me all of a sudden. I'm freaking out.
I'm kind of in GM overload. People totally switching it up on me like that freaks me the hell out. It would be one thing if he were bipolar or something and constantly up and down...but this is a total change from how things normally are. I'm paranoid.
There are rumors of more cuts within the client company happening by February...I don't see my job lasting into the new year... I don't see the presence of the staffing company I work for being out here period by that time... I'm being realistic. In order for the client to survive (despite the numerous cuts they've already made) they are going to have to operate bare bones to make up for the labor involved in peak "production"... I just hope that my resume catches someone's attention by that point so that I can leave voluntarily rather than being escorted out. Blah.
I've thought about looking for work in new cities or areas, but I don't know where to begin...or where I'd want to work. I love new england, never been and they have shitty cold winters but I've always been drawn there...Maine especially. Oregon has always caught my eye, so has Washington State... I don't see myself in a Alabama, Arkansas, Mississippi place or the surrounding area....
Georgia maybe, South Carolina, North Carolina dependent upon the area.... Texas, not really but I dunno, Oklahoma, Kansas or Tornado anywhere, fuck no.... Arizona and New Mexico sure... but the freaky snakes and spiders rule it out... California, nah... Nevada, Utah, Nah.... Idaho, what the fuck, no, Colorado, maybe... Minnesota, South/North Dakota, Alaska.... negative... I'm not trying to be in Virginia forever but I definitely have to research before actually following through on such a drastic thought. Ohio, no... I think a good portion of Ohio is now living in Virginia simply for the military bases around here... there and Kansas seem to have folks that join the military just to get the hell up out of there, haha.... why would I go sprinting that route... Michigan...Wisconsin...I dunno...
I'm amused about the thought of just picking up and starting fresh, but in reality I could do that with a move out of grandma's house you know, I don't have to leave the state... Canada would be a thought... but not the french side... lol. I guess I've kind of narrowed it down a bit, I mean shit, what's left really, lol. Oh West Virginia--NEGATIVE...i Have family there...which means I'm already related to probably the whole state somehow or another...
I digress...spreadsheets to do... gotta get ready for Monday.
Wednesday, October 7, 2009
Bend over and grab your ankles
I walked into work hell this morning. In the middle of checking the voicemail to see how many call outs I had, one of the supervisors called my cell. The conversation went like this:
Her: Um, whats the deal with all of these people being here?
Me: You told me yesterday at 2:30 that you wanted every one of your people here
Her: So the calls didn't get made?
Me: Why would I make calls if you told me everyone was working?
Her: I sent an email to B (my boss) yesterday at 3:00 telling her that I only needed four people and gave her the names.
Me: She is in Chesapeake, I'm right here in the warehouse--it's easy to overlook an email, I'm here until four every day so that I can make calls and line up ya'lls staffing needs, I can't do that if ya'll don't tell me
Her: Well, I'm going to send them up there to you then
Essentially, the expectation is that if any of my contractors report to work, they should get paid for/given 4 hours of work. (This almost never happens) If they tell me ahead of time, I call my contractors the evening before so they don't waste gas coming to work when the volume isn't there to support them being there. So today, I had a handful of people come in, only to get sent home which left me looking like an ass for leaving my guys hanging. It pissed me off first thing.
So needless to say at the 8:45 (the daily meeting because this place has more fucking meetings than any company I've ever seen, it's a wonder that anything fucking gets done) I made the announcement reminding all of the sups that I can't help them if they don't communicate to me what they need as far as staffing then I can't help them. Then I reminded them that B works at the main office, I'm right here on sight...Please email her as a back up, but you have to tell me or it's not going to happen.
Then to cover my own ass, I went to the Assistant General Manager's office...He's second in command for the whole damn Distribution center....I explained to him that I was told 30 minutes prior to said email going out that everyone was expected to be here. I also mentioned that I hold myself accountable in ensuring their success by having my people there... but I feel like they aren't accountable in their ho hum attitude and lack of urgency in providing me with their staffing needs.
FUCK! MY GIRL ASHLEY JUST GOT VOTED OFF TOP CHEF LAS VEGAS, fuck. Another lesbo down....
My bad... lemme focus... one of the girls at work put in her notice. I was talking with Field Hockey (whose hair I actually cut tonight)... and she was like would you considering doing her position? It's HR Assistant for the DC... My instinct says no. I'm tired of the bullshit, not just with the staffing company I work for, but the client company as well. Not to mention, it would in a way look like I was backtracking resume wise because it would be a step or two backwards in my opinion. I would like the HR side of things, and have to start somewhere but...I dunno. She asked me if I had talked to Jen about it yet to get her opinion...
Me: No, Not yet
Her: Dude, that's what relationships are for, not just sex....sometimes in talking to people you find they have insights into things that can help you
Me: OMG it's not like I was never going to talk to her...I just haven't yet...I'm working, I'm busy, she's working, she's busy
Her: laughs....
I just thought it was funny that she would say some shit like that... Cheerleader finally announced that shes pregnant again. I think she's about 11 weeks along and is already eating crazy.
On a random note, Chino kitty is freaking out and meowing nonstop missing Gma. Gma is coming home tomorrow night so he'll be set then....he loves gma because she feeds him junkfood all the time.
My sister Mandi told me this evening not only did her soon to be ex husband's lawyer retire (as in put a sign up on the door and said peace out, didn't refer any of his clients or anything) but he called her today to tell her that her lawyer had called him ... he said that he hadn't gone to pick anything up yet, Mandi asked why...he apparently fell off a building and broke both of his legs.
Holy fuck. If ya'll knew the whole story it's safe to say that you would be shocked as to the wrath that karma is bringing his way... damn.
Fuck, it's late...I need to pack a bag and get ready for the dentist tomorrow afternoon and then to Jen's... at least I won't be up late...since I made arrangements for pepper I'll be able to crash there...and in theory right after lil man goes to bed... I'm tired and it's been a long week.
I'll have equipment training again this Friday... Fuck. Come on Saturday morning....
Oh and on my lunch break I ran into my ex-best friend's cousin. She's all grown up now and there is no way in hell that she's not a member of the all girls team.... this is humorous to me because my ex-BF was a total homophobe back in the day (I don't know if she still is or not)... lil things like that make me happy.
Cost Plus World Market is having a friends and family event this weekend where you can save 25% off of everything except like alcohol I believe. I obviously can't get the lil coupon to everyone in that amount of time, but if anyone wants the online discount code, just let me know... I'll send you the info... how sad is it that I work in one of the two distros for this compnay and have never been in a store...maybe I'll go this weekend. They are kind of like a Pier One Imports ON CRACK... lol
Her: Um, whats the deal with all of these people being here?
Me: You told me yesterday at 2:30 that you wanted every one of your people here
Her: So the calls didn't get made?
Me: Why would I make calls if you told me everyone was working?
Her: I sent an email to B (my boss) yesterday at 3:00 telling her that I only needed four people and gave her the names.
Me: She is in Chesapeake, I'm right here in the warehouse--it's easy to overlook an email, I'm here until four every day so that I can make calls and line up ya'lls staffing needs, I can't do that if ya'll don't tell me
Her: Well, I'm going to send them up there to you then
Essentially, the expectation is that if any of my contractors report to work, they should get paid for/given 4 hours of work. (This almost never happens) If they tell me ahead of time, I call my contractors the evening before so they don't waste gas coming to work when the volume isn't there to support them being there. So today, I had a handful of people come in, only to get sent home which left me looking like an ass for leaving my guys hanging. It pissed me off first thing.
So needless to say at the 8:45 (the daily meeting because this place has more fucking meetings than any company I've ever seen, it's a wonder that anything fucking gets done) I made the announcement reminding all of the sups that I can't help them if they don't communicate to me what they need as far as staffing then I can't help them. Then I reminded them that B works at the main office, I'm right here on sight...Please email her as a back up, but you have to tell me or it's not going to happen.
Then to cover my own ass, I went to the Assistant General Manager's office...He's second in command for the whole damn Distribution center....I explained to him that I was told 30 minutes prior to said email going out that everyone was expected to be here. I also mentioned that I hold myself accountable in ensuring their success by having my people there... but I feel like they aren't accountable in their ho hum attitude and lack of urgency in providing me with their staffing needs.
FUCK! MY GIRL ASHLEY JUST GOT VOTED OFF TOP CHEF LAS VEGAS, fuck. Another lesbo down....
My bad... lemme focus... one of the girls at work put in her notice. I was talking with Field Hockey (whose hair I actually cut tonight)... and she was like would you considering doing her position? It's HR Assistant for the DC... My instinct says no. I'm tired of the bullshit, not just with the staffing company I work for, but the client company as well. Not to mention, it would in a way look like I was backtracking resume wise because it would be a step or two backwards in my opinion. I would like the HR side of things, and have to start somewhere but...I dunno. She asked me if I had talked to Jen about it yet to get her opinion...
Me: No, Not yet
Her: Dude, that's what relationships are for, not just sex....sometimes in talking to people you find they have insights into things that can help you
Me: OMG it's not like I was never going to talk to her...I just haven't yet...I'm working, I'm busy, she's working, she's busy
Her: laughs....
I just thought it was funny that she would say some shit like that... Cheerleader finally announced that shes pregnant again. I think she's about 11 weeks along and is already eating crazy.
On a random note, Chino kitty is freaking out and meowing nonstop missing Gma. Gma is coming home tomorrow night so he'll be set then....he loves gma because she feeds him junkfood all the time.
My sister Mandi told me this evening not only did her soon to be ex husband's lawyer retire (as in put a sign up on the door and said peace out, didn't refer any of his clients or anything) but he called her today to tell her that her lawyer had called him ... he said that he hadn't gone to pick anything up yet, Mandi asked why...he apparently fell off a building and broke both of his legs.
Holy fuck. If ya'll knew the whole story it's safe to say that you would be shocked as to the wrath that karma is bringing his way... damn.
Fuck, it's late...I need to pack a bag and get ready for the dentist tomorrow afternoon and then to Jen's... at least I won't be up late...since I made arrangements for pepper I'll be able to crash there...and in theory right after lil man goes to bed... I'm tired and it's been a long week.
I'll have equipment training again this Friday... Fuck. Come on Saturday morning....
Oh and on my lunch break I ran into my ex-best friend's cousin. She's all grown up now and there is no way in hell that she's not a member of the all girls team.... this is humorous to me because my ex-BF was a total homophobe back in the day (I don't know if she still is or not)... lil things like that make me happy.
Cost Plus World Market is having a friends and family event this weekend where you can save 25% off of everything except like alcohol I believe. I obviously can't get the lil coupon to everyone in that amount of time, but if anyone wants the online discount code, just let me know... I'll send you the info... how sad is it that I work in one of the two distros for this compnay and have never been in a store...maybe I'll go this weekend. They are kind of like a Pier One Imports ON CRACK... lol
Monday, October 5, 2009
I refuse
I refuse to be stressed today.
I refuse to allow them to get the best of me.
I refuse to find solace in soda in chocolate...
I refuse to let their annoying ways wear on me
I refuse to acknowledge anything other than a working relationship
I refuse to continually ask myself why and how, when it's obvious the answer is above my rank...
I refuse to let these fuckers knock me down
I refuse to let them win
I refuse to relinquish control
I refuse
I refuse
A typical monday at work. I came in and before seven a.m. had fired two people for violating our No call no show policy...had another person quit because she knew I was going to fire her today for falling short on the accuracy expectations, and two people went permanent with the client company, which I totally support.
It was discovered, after delivering my two new starts to their assigned areas in the distribution center that the one contractor I had that was told to not come to work (by me, at the client's request) ended up being because they just didn't feel she was going to cut it. Really, you had me coach her one time then stopped calling her in, how are we supposed to know whether or not the coaching and developing session worked if you aren't going to give her the chance. Fuckers.
Then when talking to my boss about all of this, she tells me that she had talked to the Ops manager in relation to this matter and that he is now going to send her emails everytime they want me to coach someone (as if to say, they had requested this girl get coached multiple times and I just didn't do it.) Fucking Fuckers.
Today is the weigh in and I'm not trying to be stressed because that always tends to lead to chocolate and soda to make me feel better. I don't have time for mood eating... I'm not craving anything now, so I'm sure venting the way I have today will be conducive to my success... I just don't understand how these fuckers are in the positions they are in... ignorant assholes is what they are.... a bunch of damn dirty dumpster cunts.
SCREAM....and release....
I've got coachings to do now...oh so many coachings. I'm only one person. What the fuck do they want me to do. Please, send an email to my boss... I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and I relay that info to her... you'll be the jackasses in the long run... piss poor management my friends, piss poor management.
I refuse to allow them to get the best of me.
I refuse to find solace in soda in chocolate...
I refuse to let their annoying ways wear on me
I refuse to acknowledge anything other than a working relationship
I refuse to continually ask myself why and how, when it's obvious the answer is above my rank...
I refuse to let these fuckers knock me down
I refuse to let them win
I refuse to relinquish control
I refuse
I refuse
A typical monday at work. I came in and before seven a.m. had fired two people for violating our No call no show policy...had another person quit because she knew I was going to fire her today for falling short on the accuracy expectations, and two people went permanent with the client company, which I totally support.
It was discovered, after delivering my two new starts to their assigned areas in the distribution center that the one contractor I had that was told to not come to work (by me, at the client's request) ended up being because they just didn't feel she was going to cut it. Really, you had me coach her one time then stopped calling her in, how are we supposed to know whether or not the coaching and developing session worked if you aren't going to give her the chance. Fuckers.
Then when talking to my boss about all of this, she tells me that she had talked to the Ops manager in relation to this matter and that he is now going to send her emails everytime they want me to coach someone (as if to say, they had requested this girl get coached multiple times and I just didn't do it.) Fucking Fuckers.
Today is the weigh in and I'm not trying to be stressed because that always tends to lead to chocolate and soda to make me feel better. I don't have time for mood eating... I'm not craving anything now, so I'm sure venting the way I have today will be conducive to my success... I just don't understand how these fuckers are in the positions they are in... ignorant assholes is what they are.... a bunch of damn dirty dumpster cunts.
SCREAM....and release....
I've got coachings to do now...oh so many coachings. I'm only one person. What the fuck do they want me to do. Please, send an email to my boss... I'm doing everything I'm supposed to and I relay that info to her... you'll be the jackasses in the long run... piss poor management my friends, piss poor management.
Wednesday, September 30, 2009
Weighty woes
The unthinkable happened today. I was at work. Sluggish as usual and feeling like shit. I didn't think it was anything serious (just the usual run down self I've become accustomed to...that doesn't necessarily get excited about going to work anymore.) When I walked in a couple minutes behind schedule, before I could even check the voicemail to find out how many call outs I was looking at for the day, my cell phone started ringing...it was my least favorite Ops Manager--seriously this dude is a complete dill hole and I have no idea how he's in his position. But at this point it's irrelevant. He's freaking out because he had about three people not show up and was short staffed in one department. I got on the phone and began calling all ten people that were told to not to come to work today because they weren't needed, only to ask them if they were available for work that day. Fucking ridiculous. Piss poor planning and well long story short my not feeling well in general got worse.
I called my boss and told her I felt like shit and wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it much longer. By this point I was having hot flashes and feeling sick to my stomach. I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away. Then it dawned on me that I had just vented to my boss, off the record of course that I was so fed up with the way things were at work and that I no longer jumped out of bed to come running into work... I didn't want her to think that I was just bailing, because in truth I really didn't feel well. I wanted to cry, scream, punch the next dumbass who stepped in my path...I needed to get out of there...even if it meant losing out on potential overtime for the week and not even making my forty hours... (I don't get sick time...I didn't care today...)
I went to the doctor with no specific symptoms, in search of a note...to excuse my absence and because lil man had been throwing up (I felt this was probably stress related, but wanted to be sure since we already had someone in my town die of the H1N1 flu crap... I'm not normally a germaphobe, nor do I give second thought to sickness because I just hate going to the doctor...but with a new baby in the picture, I didn't want to risk anything)
I fell asleep in the exam room waiting on the doctor, who I could hear outside the door in the nurses station discussing lottery tickets and the office raffle or some bullshit... glad to know I'm not dying and not a serious case. My blood pressure, temp, and weight were all checked prior to my arrival in the exam room. The results, 118/72, 97 degrees, and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...
From this point to the doctors arrival and in between my cat naps I had had plenty of time to focus on and freak out about my weight. I flashed back to the time I went to the crotch doc for my normal annual violation and the scales tilted at 223 pounds. After leaving the office I cried the entire way home as my mom drove...I couldn't believe my weight had reached that point. Today, about five or six years later I've hit an all time high and I was devastated. Devastated to the point of tears when trying to talk to the doctor. I had to take ownership in the fact that the reason I feel like shit all the time is my weight. I have heartburn all the time it seems, even from drinking water--WTF? I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, I'm slugglish, I never want to do anything, I've isolated myself from friends and social gatherings because it means people seeing me.
I was mad at myself for crying. I cry at the most random times. I went from answering the "could you be pregnant" question with a chuckle and explaining that I'm a lesbian and I don't do guys in rebuttle to the doctors usual, well how do you know....to trying to explain how I feel with no symptomatic description that would help in diagnosis at all.
I told the doctor that I felt like stress had a lot to do with how I felt and my weight in general and when I revealed to him that my current weight is at an all time high I fucking lost it. Cried like a lil bitch, while Dr. Dickhead just watched...baffled. It was determined that there was no need for labs, which I agreed with because they always come back the same, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just fat... He suggested I look into Weightloss centers of america or another doctor or two that specialize in weight loss medicine, and/or surgery. When I made the comment, I'd rather just do it on my own...he quickly said, "that's going to be tough" with a face that said, I don't think you have a concept of just how fat and unhealthy you really are. (mind you he suggested something that insurance isnt' likely to cover after he went through the computer and pulled up my information, discovering that I had been to see an endocrinologist earlier in the year for treatment of PCOS, but quit because it was too expensive...I'm still paying those fucking bills and they couldn't get my levels adjusted right so I'm still a hormonal mess and FAT)
I gathered my composure for him to explain to me that I'm 28 years old and that if I continue living with this excess weight on my 5 foot 3 and half inch frame, i'm going to never get rid of this slugglish feeling, I'm going to have health problems that get progressively worse, arthritis in my joints from carrying this weight around, among other things that could potentially lead to early death. I was done talking to this guy. Not because I disagreed, but I needed to cry some more and needed to get out while I had the chance. I grabbed my doctor's note and bolted. I hit the parking lot in time for the tears to start pouring...I cried all the way home. I still felt like shit so I decided I was going to take a nap...(naps are not exactly going to solve my predicament, but they generally help buy me time to come up with a plan)...
Jen called me, she had to go and pick up lil man from school because he was throwing up and she was worried about me because of the vague text I had sent her after leaving the doctor's office. I said somethign about beign fine, just fat.... I started crying on the phone and just didnt want to talk about it...I went down to grandma's end of the house since it was 11 am and she wasn't down in the kitchen yet, I was making sure she was alive. She was. I'm not sure what part of I don't feel good I'm going to lay down she didn't understand but thirty minutes later she was still talking, asking me to do stuff and telling me all about everything she's planning on taking on her trip (she's leaving this weekend to see her sister, her brother is picking her up) I finally cut her off and explained, Grandma, I don't leave work often at all because I don't feel well, I've already been to the doctor and I need to go lay down...it finally registered.
I slept for four and a half hours when my mom called and I told her about leaving work early and being fat. She did the normal, Tommy...stop beating yourself up and I near tears explained to her that I'm at my all time high and just can't fathom how I keep letting this happen. It makes no sense NO SENSE at all.... I came to moms house because she, my sister, and my aunt, plus the baby have all taken a road trip to leave baby daddy in Radford, where he lives, and plan to leave from there in the morning and head to Kentucky to visit my mom's parents so tehy can see the baby--they'll be back Monday, minus baby daddy so I have dog duty. I get to watch my sister's dogs plus mine, but since Gma is leaving Saturday, i'll probably just load the dogs up so that I can be at my house with them plus mine and get my own shit done...
I went online and finally ordered my stuff from lil man's school fundraiser, I had been putting it off for whatever reason. Then I went to weight watchers online to check it out. I've gone to weight watchers meetings before but quit because the leader's voice and CAMEL TOE were equally annoying--plus it was counter productive because everytime I had a good week, I'd go to McDonald's and reward myself with a vat of death... fuck.
I signed up, I paid for one month and got one month free...I have a few meetings to choose from in my area, that aren't lead by camel toe lady and for the first time ever am doing this on my own. I'm not relying on my mom or my sister to do things with me...this is my fight and I'm the only one that can do it for me. The first meeting will be next week because I've missed the meetings this week already. I'm excited about this new venture. It's not going to be easy, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do...I can't continue on the same path that I've been headed down. No room for excuses.
I will be using my new blog (eventually) to vent, track, etc my progress so that I don't bore anyone with the details... I'm coming clean, I'm going to be honest...blunt even. I have never openly admitted to my weight or pants size...but I am tonight...just because I think it will help me in this process (though I'm not sure the logic behind using humiliation as a motivator)... It's hard when I have such a wonderful woman in my life who looks at me and doesn't see fat or disgusting but beautiful and fabulous...but I have to face the facts....I don't see those things when I look in the mirror and I'm the only one that can do something to change it. I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality, or being told wow...you carry your weight really well...I'M TIRED OF FUCKING CARRYING IT.
I generally wear anywhere from a 22 to 26 in women's pants depending on who makes them. My cargo shorts are a guys 46 or 48 (I have a couple in each) and I generally wear men's XL tops which I stretch out at the bottom to keep them from clinging to my gut....2Xs are too big so I'm technically in an in between size kind of girl.... Everything cute is meant for little people and anything past a size 16/18 is like old ladyish... unless you have money fore Lane Bryant or Torrid or some other fashionable women's clothing stores which I do not.
So here it is, the scale today read 273 pounds. Ridiculous. Tomorrow is a new day...I'll be in a better modd and I have a plan.... Weightwatchers is the way to go for me in theory because I can still count points and have a beer when I want one lol.
My brother just stopped by mom's house...I open the door and my nostrils immediately filled with the smell of Pot. I swear...i would love having a job where I could get high and not have to worry about random drug tests or getting hurt and having to pee in a cup... Don't judge me... I'm anti drug (but I'm a supporter of pot in many situations...since it's natural and all) I don't want any man made shit from some chemical flunkie's kitchen that's goign to potentially kill me. Fuck that. But alas...not weed for me. I have to be responsible and can't risk not having a pay check.
I'd like to lose 123 pounds on this journey...it's not going to happen overnight...so here goes nothing.
I called my boss and told her I felt like shit and wasn't sure that I'd be able to make it much longer. By this point I was having hot flashes and feeling sick to my stomach. I just wanted to go home and sleep the day away. Then it dawned on me that I had just vented to my boss, off the record of course that I was so fed up with the way things were at work and that I no longer jumped out of bed to come running into work... I didn't want her to think that I was just bailing, because in truth I really didn't feel well. I wanted to cry, scream, punch the next dumbass who stepped in my path...I needed to get out of there...even if it meant losing out on potential overtime for the week and not even making my forty hours... (I don't get sick time...I didn't care today...)
I went to the doctor with no specific symptoms, in search of a note...to excuse my absence and because lil man had been throwing up (I felt this was probably stress related, but wanted to be sure since we already had someone in my town die of the H1N1 flu crap... I'm not normally a germaphobe, nor do I give second thought to sickness because I just hate going to the doctor...but with a new baby in the picture, I didn't want to risk anything)
I fell asleep in the exam room waiting on the doctor, who I could hear outside the door in the nurses station discussing lottery tickets and the office raffle or some bullshit... glad to know I'm not dying and not a serious case. My blood pressure, temp, and weight were all checked prior to my arrival in the exam room. The results, 118/72, 97 degrees, and JESUS MARY AND JOSEPH ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME...
From this point to the doctors arrival and in between my cat naps I had had plenty of time to focus on and freak out about my weight. I flashed back to the time I went to the crotch doc for my normal annual violation and the scales tilted at 223 pounds. After leaving the office I cried the entire way home as my mom drove...I couldn't believe my weight had reached that point. Today, about five or six years later I've hit an all time high and I was devastated. Devastated to the point of tears when trying to talk to the doctor. I had to take ownership in the fact that the reason I feel like shit all the time is my weight. I have heartburn all the time it seems, even from drinking water--WTF? I'm tired no matter how long I sleep, I'm slugglish, I never want to do anything, I've isolated myself from friends and social gatherings because it means people seeing me.
I was mad at myself for crying. I cry at the most random times. I went from answering the "could you be pregnant" question with a chuckle and explaining that I'm a lesbian and I don't do guys in rebuttle to the doctors usual, well how do you know....to trying to explain how I feel with no symptomatic description that would help in diagnosis at all.
I told the doctor that I felt like stress had a lot to do with how I felt and my weight in general and when I revealed to him that my current weight is at an all time high I fucking lost it. Cried like a lil bitch, while Dr. Dickhead just watched...baffled. It was determined that there was no need for labs, which I agreed with because they always come back the same, nothing is wrong with me, I'm just fat... He suggested I look into Weightloss centers of america or another doctor or two that specialize in weight loss medicine, and/or surgery. When I made the comment, I'd rather just do it on my own...he quickly said, "that's going to be tough" with a face that said, I don't think you have a concept of just how fat and unhealthy you really are. (mind you he suggested something that insurance isnt' likely to cover after he went through the computer and pulled up my information, discovering that I had been to see an endocrinologist earlier in the year for treatment of PCOS, but quit because it was too expensive...I'm still paying those fucking bills and they couldn't get my levels adjusted right so I'm still a hormonal mess and FAT)
I gathered my composure for him to explain to me that I'm 28 years old and that if I continue living with this excess weight on my 5 foot 3 and half inch frame, i'm going to never get rid of this slugglish feeling, I'm going to have health problems that get progressively worse, arthritis in my joints from carrying this weight around, among other things that could potentially lead to early death. I was done talking to this guy. Not because I disagreed, but I needed to cry some more and needed to get out while I had the chance. I grabbed my doctor's note and bolted. I hit the parking lot in time for the tears to start pouring...I cried all the way home. I still felt like shit so I decided I was going to take a nap...(naps are not exactly going to solve my predicament, but they generally help buy me time to come up with a plan)...
Jen called me, she had to go and pick up lil man from school because he was throwing up and she was worried about me because of the vague text I had sent her after leaving the doctor's office. I said somethign about beign fine, just fat.... I started crying on the phone and just didnt want to talk about it...I went down to grandma's end of the house since it was 11 am and she wasn't down in the kitchen yet, I was making sure she was alive. She was. I'm not sure what part of I don't feel good I'm going to lay down she didn't understand but thirty minutes later she was still talking, asking me to do stuff and telling me all about everything she's planning on taking on her trip (she's leaving this weekend to see her sister, her brother is picking her up) I finally cut her off and explained, Grandma, I don't leave work often at all because I don't feel well, I've already been to the doctor and I need to go lay down...it finally registered.
I slept for four and a half hours when my mom called and I told her about leaving work early and being fat. She did the normal, Tommy...stop beating yourself up and I near tears explained to her that I'm at my all time high and just can't fathom how I keep letting this happen. It makes no sense NO SENSE at all.... I came to moms house because she, my sister, and my aunt, plus the baby have all taken a road trip to leave baby daddy in Radford, where he lives, and plan to leave from there in the morning and head to Kentucky to visit my mom's parents so tehy can see the baby--they'll be back Monday, minus baby daddy so I have dog duty. I get to watch my sister's dogs plus mine, but since Gma is leaving Saturday, i'll probably just load the dogs up so that I can be at my house with them plus mine and get my own shit done...
I went online and finally ordered my stuff from lil man's school fundraiser, I had been putting it off for whatever reason. Then I went to weight watchers online to check it out. I've gone to weight watchers meetings before but quit because the leader's voice and CAMEL TOE were equally annoying--plus it was counter productive because everytime I had a good week, I'd go to McDonald's and reward myself with a vat of death... fuck.
I signed up, I paid for one month and got one month free...I have a few meetings to choose from in my area, that aren't lead by camel toe lady and for the first time ever am doing this on my own. I'm not relying on my mom or my sister to do things with me...this is my fight and I'm the only one that can do it for me. The first meeting will be next week because I've missed the meetings this week already. I'm excited about this new venture. It's not going to be easy, but I've gotta do what I've gotta do...I can't continue on the same path that I've been headed down. No room for excuses.
I will be using my new blog (eventually) to vent, track, etc my progress so that I don't bore anyone with the details... I'm coming clean, I'm going to be honest...blunt even. I have never openly admitted to my weight or pants size...but I am tonight...just because I think it will help me in this process (though I'm not sure the logic behind using humiliation as a motivator)... It's hard when I have such a wonderful woman in my life who looks at me and doesn't see fat or disgusting but beautiful and fabulous...but I have to face the facts....I don't see those things when I look in the mirror and I'm the only one that can do something to change it. I'm tired of being the chick with the great personality, or being told wow...you carry your weight really well...I'M TIRED OF FUCKING CARRYING IT.
I generally wear anywhere from a 22 to 26 in women's pants depending on who makes them. My cargo shorts are a guys 46 or 48 (I have a couple in each) and I generally wear men's XL tops which I stretch out at the bottom to keep them from clinging to my gut....2Xs are too big so I'm technically in an in between size kind of girl.... Everything cute is meant for little people and anything past a size 16/18 is like old ladyish... unless you have money fore Lane Bryant or Torrid or some other fashionable women's clothing stores which I do not.
So here it is, the scale today read 273 pounds. Ridiculous. Tomorrow is a new day...I'll be in a better modd and I have a plan.... Weightwatchers is the way to go for me in theory because I can still count points and have a beer when I want one lol.
My brother just stopped by mom's house...I open the door and my nostrils immediately filled with the smell of Pot. I swear...i would love having a job where I could get high and not have to worry about random drug tests or getting hurt and having to pee in a cup... Don't judge me... I'm anti drug (but I'm a supporter of pot in many situations...since it's natural and all) I don't want any man made shit from some chemical flunkie's kitchen that's goign to potentially kill me. Fuck that. But alas...not weed for me. I have to be responsible and can't risk not having a pay check.
I'd like to lose 123 pounds on this journey...it's not going to happen overnight...so here goes nothing.
Monday, September 21, 2009
Paranoia sets in
I have serious issues. I didn't expect my day to be shitty when I woke up all snuggled up in the covers on top of my fabulous new mattress pad. Hell, I even did my hair and make up. Not something I do often these days, much less early ass on a Monday morning.
Then I got to work. Processed payroll, checked on my sister (she's fine, still prego)...found out from my boss that I had training that afternoon for a batch of new hires. Really...I know that we are having a problem getting folks in the door but I just would have liked a little more notice. Then I walk in the office around my contractors lunch time (I had been out on the warehouse floor) and BAM there's my boss sitting at the table in my office. WTF? I kept my cool and didn't even act surprised (in my opinion)...she left for lunch with some of the managers and I got things lined up for the new starts doing paperwork and their equipment training.
My mind got to working (which isn't generally a good thing)...I felt some kind of way. I felt like my boss showed up unannounced in an attempt to catch me doing something I wasn't supposed to. It freaking pissed me off. She's never come to help me train before, why now? She was going to shadow me and see if I needed to focus my efforts anywhere, see what my weaknesses are and provide feedback.
It wasn't until later when I chilled the hell out that I realized that she's aiming towards a promotion, if that were to happen for her, then I could in theory transition into her role (which I don't know if I would accept or not to be honest...) so it's possible she was making sure I was ready. Then again, she could have just needed a break from the main office. The point is it was odd for her to show up unannounced...I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have been, thank god I wasn't blogging or chilling in the office half asleep.
I'm just paranoid all the time. I feel like everyone has ulterior motives regardless of the circumstances...i need to get over it. I'm still working on my resume...
My sister is still pregnant. They started inducing her this morning and at about 6:30pm they gave up and have decided to try again tomorrow since she had only dialated 2 centimenters... this baby is a stubborn one for sure. So update, I'm still not an aunt officially.
Pepper is sitting next to me on the couch stretched out and Chino kitty is curled up on a pillow that is strategically placed on the lego table I have set up in the living room...
Um, Chuck Lidell, from UFC is a freaking competitor on Dancing with the Stars--RANDOM...
Back to the resume...perhaps.
Then I got to work. Processed payroll, checked on my sister (she's fine, still prego)...found out from my boss that I had training that afternoon for a batch of new hires. Really...I know that we are having a problem getting folks in the door but I just would have liked a little more notice. Then I walk in the office around my contractors lunch time (I had been out on the warehouse floor) and BAM there's my boss sitting at the table in my office. WTF? I kept my cool and didn't even act surprised (in my opinion)...she left for lunch with some of the managers and I got things lined up for the new starts doing paperwork and their equipment training.
My mind got to working (which isn't generally a good thing)...I felt some kind of way. I felt like my boss showed up unannounced in an attempt to catch me doing something I wasn't supposed to. It freaking pissed me off. She's never come to help me train before, why now? She was going to shadow me and see if I needed to focus my efforts anywhere, see what my weaknesses are and provide feedback.
It wasn't until later when I chilled the hell out that I realized that she's aiming towards a promotion, if that were to happen for her, then I could in theory transition into her role (which I don't know if I would accept or not to be honest...) so it's possible she was making sure I was ready. Then again, she could have just needed a break from the main office. The point is it was odd for her to show up unannounced...I wasn't doing anything I shouldn't have been, thank god I wasn't blogging or chilling in the office half asleep.
I'm just paranoid all the time. I feel like everyone has ulterior motives regardless of the circumstances...i need to get over it. I'm still working on my resume...
My sister is still pregnant. They started inducing her this morning and at about 6:30pm they gave up and have decided to try again tomorrow since she had only dialated 2 centimenters... this baby is a stubborn one for sure. So update, I'm still not an aunt officially.
Pepper is sitting next to me on the couch stretched out and Chino kitty is curled up on a pillow that is strategically placed on the lego table I have set up in the living room...
Um, Chuck Lidell, from UFC is a freaking competitor on Dancing with the Stars--RANDOM...
Back to the resume...perhaps.
Monday, September 14, 2009
Totem pole
So I broke down on Saturday night. I was overwhelmed with school work and beating myself up for procrastinating soooo long. I don't even say things like, "Uh, that sucked, I'll ever put things off again..." Because I know it's complete and total bullshit....no need to pretend otherwise.
In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.
Then she said something that caught me off guard. The conversation went like this:
Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list
It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything. I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...
(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)
The conversation continued:
Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha
What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed. I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either. I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man.
I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things.
I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months. I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend. If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure. Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes. I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....
I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...
The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that. This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one. She deserves better than that...so much better than that.
In the middle of my rant, torn between tears and a panic attack (which actually just came out overwhelmed and angry) Jen put her arms around me and said, but just think Babe...this time next week you'll be done... I kind of smiled when she put things into those terms.
Then she said something that caught me off guard. The conversation went like this:
Jen: AND I'll move up a notch on your list...
Me. (Puzzled) What are you talking about?
Jen: You'll have more time in your day which mean that I'll move up on the list
It dawned on me: I had in the very beginning (and still every now and then, okay more than I'll admit to) had disclaimers for everything. I needed her to know that while I was interested in dating her, I had a shit ton of stuff happening in my life...and that I had priorities (no offense to her, but I was down right blunt in my delivery)...I recall telling her that my family and school are always going to be a top priority of mine and that she would be included in that list but (for a lack of better words) not in as high a regard as the other two...
(I'm realizing how bitchy this sounds and wondering how the she even saw past my disclaimers to stick it out longer than a week with me)
The conversation continued:
Me: So where do you fall on the list now?
Jen: I'm 4th on your list
Me: How do you figure?
Jen: The order is: Family, School, Pepper, and then me
Me: You jackass, Pepper doesn't come before you...ya'll share a tier because I love her, but I'm not IN LOVE with her, seeing as she's a dog (no offense Pepper, ha)
Jen: Laughing.....so what are you saying?
Me: You're gonna be number two, ha
What I realized is that I never did elaborate and share with her when my priorities changed. I also don't view my priorities in terms of a totem pole anymore either. I don't look at things in terms of my family comes before Jen and vice versa...I do however feel that Jen is PART of my family (just in a west virginia) kind of way considering we have sex and stuff...(things I wouldnt do with typical family)...I feel like I've done pretty well to manage my life (though I do get stressed from time to time) and dedicate a great deal of time to her and lil man.
I help her with lil man most weekends so it will be one less thing she has to worry about and now on Thursday nights...I think of little ways to surprise her and always want to impress her...in the beginning I needed to make sure to lay everything out on the table...things that had been issues for exes needed to be known to prevent them from being issues in the present....I had had an ex that had a complete and total issue with me spending time doing homework and going to school because she wasn't getting ALL of my attention among other things.
I feel like I've done some growing over the past few months. I can't live in the past and I can't assume that just because something was an issue with someone else that it will be an issue with Jen...Jen is her own person and I have to stop being a control freak from time to time (not all the time because I might die, lol) and give her the opportunity to just be her--my girlfriend. If I have all these disclaimers in place, the this is how shit should be stuff, and well in the past this caused this....I'm only setting us up for failure. Perhaps I'm tooting my own horn, but I feel like I've become a better girlfriend in general. (I'm not sure if Jen would say that or not, lol)...I acknowledge that I'm not the easiest person to deal with by any means, but I'm thankful for the growth opportunities I've had that have opened my eyes. I'm telling you, I'm not martyr but fulltime school, fulltime work, and dealing with grandma fulltime is not an easy thing when it comes to balance....
I don't want the love of my life feeling like she is anything less than #1.... I may still spend a great deal of time with my family because thats just the person I am, but 9 times out of 10, Jen and lil man are right there with me....and I think Jen enjoys it because we all make her laugh and she has been welcomed into the family with open arms...
The moral of the story is that I love her and I want my actions, not just my words to show that. This is my public apology for ever making her feel less than what she is...my number one. She deserves better than that...so much better than that.
Thursday, August 13, 2009
Caution: Unedited Rant
I'm screaming on the inside today. I'm fucking fed up. I'm tired and irritated and just pissed off in general. I'm tired of being on repeat all day at work because nobody fucking listens.
I'm tired of having a job that is not hard at all be so difficult...does that make sense? I'm tired of being a "partner" to the supervisors/management here and seeing nothing but a lack of partnership.
This whole fucking place right now is a contradiction. I'm apparently bat shit crazy.
I want to scream aloud, yell, kick, punch, push, throw...I want to be destructive and break something....I'm like two steps away from turning green and Incredible Hulking it.
I'm irrational and just fucking done. I'm so fucking tired of the level of ignorance I have to deal with on a daily basis. My boss is the "bitchy one" and I'm the "nice, but straight forward" one...that's about to change...there's about to be two bitchy ones because the fuckers just aren't getting it.
I can't even tell up from down right now I'm so infuriated. It makes no fucking sense. Most of the time I'm fine, but today I just can't effing handle it anymore. I refuse. If I walk out on the floor one more time and have to deal with the same fucking bullshit I'm going to snap...not even kidding.
I just called my boss to fill her in on some details pertaining to an email that was sent earlier and told her flat out...I don't even want to be here right now. I want to go out, stand on a stack of pallets and just scream FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNTS.
Who gives a shit anymore if you don't hit your number...I'm tired of you not holding yourself accountable, I can't come out here and fucking hold your hand for you... And if I hear..."Well you don't know what its like out here" one for fucking time I'm going to lose it...
YES I DO...I'VE WORKED IN WAREHOUSES BEFORE...do you think they just gave me this job because they liked my haircut at the time...NO YOU BASTARD....I've worked in the heat, I've unloaded trucks, I've loaded them, I've shipped them, forecasted loads, handled damaged goods and HAZMAT material and their documents....and you know what...I HIT MY FUCKING NUMBERS TOO!!!!
(Deep breath out)...I was bitching to Field Hockey...she used to work for my company before getting laid off and then hired by the client company....I mentioned that I was at the point of going and buying a pack of smokes and just calling it a day...she made a suggestion that I hadn't even considered....BEER!!!! Duh...why didn't I think of that. I prefer the taste of beer to cigs, beer wont make me smell like smoke or leave that taste in my mouth that lingers forever....
Beer would be oh so fabulous right now...except I'm pretty sure the beer i have is skunky by this point....It's leftover from my birthday weekend at the end of May...I can't believe I don't really drink that often.... For now....those McSkinnys (you know the lil skinny mich ultras--water with a splash of hops), skunky or not....ARE CALLING MY NAME!!!
My boss told me that I can leave early if I want, but Now i have to make sure that people from a particular department know they don't have work tomorrow and their floor supervisor isn't reliable as far as telling them goes....so might as well just chill out.
I'm tired of having a job that is not hard at all be so difficult...does that make sense? I'm tired of being a "partner" to the supervisors/management here and seeing nothing but a lack of partnership.
This whole fucking place right now is a contradiction. I'm apparently bat shit crazy.
I want to scream aloud, yell, kick, punch, push, throw...I want to be destructive and break something....I'm like two steps away from turning green and Incredible Hulking it.
I'm irrational and just fucking done. I'm so fucking tired of the level of ignorance I have to deal with on a daily basis. My boss is the "bitchy one" and I'm the "nice, but straight forward" one...that's about to change...there's about to be two bitchy ones because the fuckers just aren't getting it.I can't even tell up from down right now I'm so infuriated. It makes no fucking sense. Most of the time I'm fine, but today I just can't effing handle it anymore. I refuse. If I walk out on the floor one more time and have to deal with the same fucking bullshit I'm going to snap...not even kidding.
I just called my boss to fill her in on some details pertaining to an email that was sent earlier and told her flat out...I don't even want to be here right now. I want to go out, stand on a stack of pallets and just scream FUCK YOU YOU FUCKING MOTHER FUCKING CUNTS.
Who gives a shit anymore if you don't hit your number...I'm tired of you not holding yourself accountable, I can't come out here and fucking hold your hand for you... And if I hear..."Well you don't know what its like out here" one for fucking time I'm going to lose it...
YES I DO...I'VE WORKED IN WAREHOUSES BEFORE...do you think they just gave me this job because they liked my haircut at the time...NO YOU BASTARD....I've worked in the heat, I've unloaded trucks, I've loaded them, I've shipped them, forecasted loads, handled damaged goods and HAZMAT material and their documents....and you know what...I HIT MY FUCKING NUMBERS TOO!!!!
(Deep breath out)...I was bitching to Field Hockey...she used to work for my company before getting laid off and then hired by the client company....I mentioned that I was at the point of going and buying a pack of smokes and just calling it a day...she made a suggestion that I hadn't even considered....BEER!!!! Duh...why didn't I think of that. I prefer the taste of beer to cigs, beer wont make me smell like smoke or leave that taste in my mouth that lingers forever....
Beer would be oh so fabulous right now...except I'm pretty sure the beer i have is skunky by this point....It's leftover from my birthday weekend at the end of May...I can't believe I don't really drink that often.... For now....those McSkinnys (you know the lil skinny mich ultras--water with a splash of hops), skunky or not....ARE CALLING MY NAME!!!
My boss told me that I can leave early if I want, but Now i have to make sure that people from a particular department know they don't have work tomorrow and their floor supervisor isn't reliable as far as telling them goes....so might as well just chill out.
Tuesday, August 4, 2009
Good news...sort of
So Gma went to the doctor yesterday is she is allowed to put weight on her leg as she feels she's ready. She is also able to drive again (scary) as soon as she feels ready, but will have to practice in a parking lot or something prior to hitting the road. Honestly, I don't know of anyone that is going to volunteer for this because she was scary behind the wheel even before her fall this past April...I just don't see myself being an eager beaver in this scenario.
This news translates into no one having to stay the night with her anymore. She still needs help changing her clothes, but she's got to the point where she is walking with her walker in the evenings to bed and setting things up so all she has to do is walk to the bathroom first thing, handle her business and then she gets in the shower (where she has a shower chair) and can manage until someone helps her with her clothes.
Mom had planned on coming over last night to help her to bed, but she is busy as hell packing and trying to get all my dad's shit together so he can "play army" and leave for Kosovo at the end of the week. I told Gma that I'd be able to help her, but that I had wanted to be in bed by the nine to nine thirty mark because it was the one day I had this week where I'd actually be able to do that. So nine twenty five rolls around and she's in bed...I'm flipping the light off when her cell phone rings. FUCK. I continue with what I was doing and let the dog back in so that I can be in bed by my planned time for a change.
My cellphone rings shortly after and Gma tells me that George (my jackass deacon uncle who has his own concept of time) has decided that because he's going to his daughter's house (this bitchy spoiled chick) in South Carolina in the morning and will be there for a week he needed to cut the grass tonight. Gma actually agreed which pissed me off. She tells me that if it gets too loud and distracting to just put the covers over my head....REALLY LADY, REALLY?
It's nine forty five by this point, I send Jen the last text of the night, urging her to get some sleep for a change too when I hear it. THE LAWNMOWER--one of those industrial grade landscaping deals (because he couldnt just buy a simple John Deere)...he wanted one that sounds like it has a jet engine apparently. I dose off for a few minutes while he cut the opposite side of the house.
10:08 pm I hear the house phone ring, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS...(I'm sorry, I'm old school and don't believe in calling anyone after nine o'clock at night...you never know what they're doing)...I never answer Gma's phone because no one I know even has the number, I know it's not for me....(unless it's XM radio trying to get me to come back...they found the number via my address I suppose, because I don't even have Gma's number listed on my car loan application where they got my original information...I'm strictly a cell phone person and hell of my 450 anytime minutes, I might use 13 in a given month...) But I digress....
I close my eyes after tossing and turning a few times to fall asleep again, only to be woke up by the loud jet propelled lawn mower under my window...I get up, stomp over the light switch, flip it on....along with every other light I possibly can on my way to the bathroom....Pee since I was up anyway, stomp back to bed after turning lights off and try it one more time, cussing my uncle the most creative ways I possibly can. He's such a fuckhead with no concept of mowing etiquette. I wanted him to know I was up thats why I flipped on all the lights and did everything short of opening the blinds, tossing out the screen as I opened the window to hang out of it flipping him off and yelling obscenities into the night.
I mean just because they put lights on the front end of lawnmowers doesn't mean you HAVE to use them. Why is this such a hard concept to grasp? It's like just because my car comes with a lighter...I'm not required to use it. It's decoration. Ten Forty eight... and still awake....
Why do I even fucking try. The alarm goes off at five forty five, I get out of bed at six fifteen, grumpy, eyes swollen, and the thought of calling in in my mind....I officially do not like my uncle. (this time for a legitimate reason...--before the reason just included that he talked to fucking much, was annoying, has it in his head I'm going to hell for being gay, avoids touching his own brother...not my dad but my other uncle who is gay as if he's scared my uncle is contagious...) Most days I see him talking and I'm not listening...I'm looking through him and wishing I hadn't gotten rid of that 18" double ended dildo that was like a coke can in girth, lol....(it was scary) but made an excellent prop for when drinking at parties. I'd pull it out and if someone was annoying me I'd smack them in the face with it....I should invest in another one....hell seeing his face as he got smacked by a translucent hot pink monster cock would definitely be worth the investment. And if I'm going to hell anyway....why not.... haha.
On the upside...the grass is cut so I don't have to worry about not seeing a snake coming after me in the tall grass....I'M STILL PISSED HOWEVER.
This news translates into no one having to stay the night with her anymore. She still needs help changing her clothes, but she's got to the point where she is walking with her walker in the evenings to bed and setting things up so all she has to do is walk to the bathroom first thing, handle her business and then she gets in the shower (where she has a shower chair) and can manage until someone helps her with her clothes.
Mom had planned on coming over last night to help her to bed, but she is busy as hell packing and trying to get all my dad's shit together so he can "play army" and leave for Kosovo at the end of the week. I told Gma that I'd be able to help her, but that I had wanted to be in bed by the nine to nine thirty mark because it was the one day I had this week where I'd actually be able to do that. So nine twenty five rolls around and she's in bed...I'm flipping the light off when her cell phone rings. FUCK. I continue with what I was doing and let the dog back in so that I can be in bed by my planned time for a change.
My cellphone rings shortly after and Gma tells me that George (my jackass deacon uncle who has his own concept of time) has decided that because he's going to his daughter's house (this bitchy spoiled chick) in South Carolina in the morning and will be there for a week he needed to cut the grass tonight. Gma actually agreed which pissed me off. She tells me that if it gets too loud and distracting to just put the covers over my head....REALLY LADY, REALLY?
It's nine forty five by this point, I send Jen the last text of the night, urging her to get some sleep for a change too when I hear it. THE LAWNMOWER--one of those industrial grade landscaping deals (because he couldnt just buy a simple John Deere)...he wanted one that sounds like it has a jet engine apparently. I dose off for a few minutes while he cut the opposite side of the house.
10:08 pm I hear the house phone ring, ARE YOU FUCKING SERIOUS...(I'm sorry, I'm old school and don't believe in calling anyone after nine o'clock at night...you never know what they're doing)...I never answer Gma's phone because no one I know even has the number, I know it's not for me....(unless it's XM radio trying to get me to come back...they found the number via my address I suppose, because I don't even have Gma's number listed on my car loan application where they got my original information...I'm strictly a cell phone person and hell of my 450 anytime minutes, I might use 13 in a given month...) But I digress....
I close my eyes after tossing and turning a few times to fall asleep again, only to be woke up by the loud jet propelled lawn mower under my window...I get up, stomp over the light switch, flip it on....along with every other light I possibly can on my way to the bathroom....Pee since I was up anyway, stomp back to bed after turning lights off and try it one more time, cussing my uncle the most creative ways I possibly can. He's such a fuckhead with no concept of mowing etiquette. I wanted him to know I was up thats why I flipped on all the lights and did everything short of opening the blinds, tossing out the screen as I opened the window to hang out of it flipping him off and yelling obscenities into the night.
I mean just because they put lights on the front end of lawnmowers doesn't mean you HAVE to use them. Why is this such a hard concept to grasp? It's like just because my car comes with a lighter...I'm not required to use it. It's decoration. Ten Forty eight... and still awake....
Why do I even fucking try. The alarm goes off at five forty five, I get out of bed at six fifteen, grumpy, eyes swollen, and the thought of calling in in my mind....I officially do not like my uncle. (this time for a legitimate reason...--before the reason just included that he talked to fucking much, was annoying, has it in his head I'm going to hell for being gay, avoids touching his own brother...not my dad but my other uncle who is gay as if he's scared my uncle is contagious...) Most days I see him talking and I'm not listening...I'm looking through him and wishing I hadn't gotten rid of that 18" double ended dildo that was like a coke can in girth, lol....(it was scary) but made an excellent prop for when drinking at parties. I'd pull it out and if someone was annoying me I'd smack them in the face with it....I should invest in another one....hell seeing his face as he got smacked by a translucent hot pink monster cock would definitely be worth the investment. And if I'm going to hell anyway....why not.... haha.
On the upside...the grass is cut so I don't have to worry about not seeing a snake coming after me in the tall grass....I'M STILL PISSED HOWEVER.
Monday, July 27, 2009
Shhhh! No talking.
I took this picture at the beginning of the year...it was Jen's first trip to Hatteras....she finally got to see why I love it so much and she too fell in love with it...almost immediately.
This weekend reminded me a great deal of the early months of Jen and my relationship. We didn't argue or have any issues because it was all so new and so incredibly enjoyable. We are still new in comparison to many, still approaching our one year together...I think that the best part of this weekend was the fact that for now we just agreed to disagree in a way. It's like we both long to be near each other but sometimes analyze shit to death and take the fun right out of it.I have a hard time in relationships because I want things my way and my way only the majority of the time. I get so pissed off over the littlest things sometimes that I lose sight of the "big picture." It's not all about me. Granted, I do want to be happy and I absolutely refuse to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone...I've done that before. I guess when I saw my current relationship headed down the same path as a previous one...I freaked out. I had to really look at the situation and figure out where I was going wrong. No, I don't have all the answers, nor was I enlightened with some super secret knowledge that very few know....what I did realize however is that I am indeed the only common link between my current relationship and my past relationship (the one that is of any circumstance anyway)...
How do you tell someone that you really enjoy their company MOST of the time but that you have phases where you don't want to be around them (not because they've done something wrong...) but because your overwhelmed and don't want to take things out on them. You'd think it would be easy to just say those things...but it's not.
It seems that feelings get hurt and people often take it personally if you don't want to spend every waking moment with them. I'm a strong supporter of remaining an individual while still having a successful relationship. I want to do things that I enjoy and for Jen to do things that she enjoys and then to also have things that we enjoy doing together. For instance she likes to shoot hoops...I can't stand the thought of playing basketball...ugh..not to mention I'm like three feet tall compared to her, haha. But I have things that I like to do by myself, or just hanging out with my sister or whatever...there are things that we do together as well.
I guess for me it's difficult to not always be in control. When things get out of hand in my life (i.e. when I get stressed out because of family, gma, school, work, all of the above plus some....) I no longer have that "pretend" control that I always try to have...and it all goes down hill from there. That's when all of a sudden things that on a normal day wouldn't bother me at all becomes my focus and eventually I cause a fight and make it the emphasis of my argument.
Long story short, I own the fact that I'm not an easy person to date and I'm not the best verbal communicator. I do however have to give it to Jen for being patient overall... and willing to let me take a few days and just not communicate with her. Don't get me wrong, we still talked and had phenomenal dirty kinky porn style sex, but we didn't analyze anything or talk about any "issues/problems." We just enjoyed each others' company and had a good time. Sure eventually we'll talk, but I'm glad that I was finally just able to say, "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I want to talk about all that stuff...I want to focus on x, y, and z and just enjoy your company..."
I'm finally at the point where I feel like I can say I don't want to talk about "it" lets talk about something else or just do anything but..." and it will be okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I can say that I won't or cant talk about something and it's okay...eventually I'm going to talk about it, but I know how I am...and if I force it or am forced to discuss something when I'm not ready or not at a point where it's mentally feasible...it's going to be a bad situation.... something will come from nothing and I'll end up flipping out for no visible reason.
For now I'm content...I had a great weekend and I'm back to feeling like I have a wonderful woman in my life (granted she hadn't done anything for real to warrant me feeling otherwise...) I just needed to be able to not try and explain shit and analyze it to death....
Things are back to the way they should be. And we've planned our next trip to hatteras...towards the end of August....good times....
Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuinFriday, July 24, 2009
Limbo
I went this morning to my normal 8:45 meeting and was yet again reminded of how easily I am excluded from things at work. I've mentioned before that I'm in limbo with work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do for the most part and what have you, but don't necessarily fit in with a particular category.
At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.
The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.
The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.
At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.
The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.
The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Call of the wild
I came home from work today and felt fairly decent. My boss had come to drop off the checks from the main office and I had a talk with her. She vented about things that were weighing on her...apologized and said, you know I don't know why I'm talking about all this right now...I'm like it's all good you needed to get it off your chest.
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
Hmm...
I'm thinking of asking for some time off tomorrow. Everything is catching up with me and while I don't have anything pressing that I need to do that would justify my wanting to take some time off...I want to take a nap. If I choose to miss a couple of hours (even if its my two and half hours of overtime I'm supposed to get a week...I'm okay with that).
I want to curl up in a ball and be a bum, watch movies and be totally unproductive. Maybe even move the tv into the bedroom and watch movies in there...I just like the thought of options right now. I'd like to stretch and sprall out and cuddle with Pepper Puppy and Chino Kitty....ID REALLY LIKE TO GO TO THE BEACH but that's not going to happen I don't think because mom and dad are going down there for there vacation starting this weekend and don't want to be disturbed....I don't blame them. The following weekend is dad's going away thing so that one's out...maybe the weekend after that I can sneak down there....it's definitely that time (I haven't been since my birthday at the end of May) because if I don't go then I'll have to put it off even longer because of my sister's baby shower as well as a ten page, fifteen page, and twenty page paper that will be due here in coming weeks. Lot's going on and me just aching for a change of scenery.
If I get my homework done early enough I'm going to clean the windows on Gmas house, perhaps even clean my car...then again I may do absofreakinglutely nothing and be completely okay with it.
I want to curl up in a ball and be a bum, watch movies and be totally unproductive. Maybe even move the tv into the bedroom and watch movies in there...I just like the thought of options right now. I'd like to stretch and sprall out and cuddle with Pepper Puppy and Chino Kitty....ID REALLY LIKE TO GO TO THE BEACH but that's not going to happen I don't think because mom and dad are going down there for there vacation starting this weekend and don't want to be disturbed....I don't blame them. The following weekend is dad's going away thing so that one's out...maybe the weekend after that I can sneak down there....it's definitely that time (I haven't been since my birthday at the end of May) because if I don't go then I'll have to put it off even longer because of my sister's baby shower as well as a ten page, fifteen page, and twenty page paper that will be due here in coming weeks. Lot's going on and me just aching for a change of scenery.
If I get my homework done early enough I'm going to clean the windows on Gmas house, perhaps even clean my car...then again I may do absofreakinglutely nothing and be completely okay with it.
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
the hurt that lingers
I considered for a moment to give up blogging. It was last night and she had said the most hateful thing to me. It was something that wouldn't have phased most people, but for me cut deep.
"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"
I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.
I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.
My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.
There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.
I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.
A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.
At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.
I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.
My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.
I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.
I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).
I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.
Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.
I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.
When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.
The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.
We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....
It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.
I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.
My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.
"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"
I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.
I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.
My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.
There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.
I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.
A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.
At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.
I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.
My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.
I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.
I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).
I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.
Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.
I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.
When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.
The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.
We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....
It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.
I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.
My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.
Sunday, July 19, 2009
Toxic wasteland
I'm living in a toxic wasteland. The energy that is surrounding me right now is negative, contagious, and spreading like wildfire. Grandma is stressing everyone out. My sister is pregnant and super hormonal, my mom is stressed because of her sister's health issues and her son being a jackass, in addition to Grandma and her Verizon mobile internet pissing her off....
Wait. Let me start from the beginning, before I get ahead of myself.
Aunt Melissa (mom's sisters) EKG was abnormal, further tests and scans have also come back abnormal and she is scheduled to see a cardiologist on Tuesday evening. She has been ordered to go the ER if she has any swelling, pain, etc immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. In addition, my mom tried to call Matthew, Melissa's son (my cousin) to see if he wanted to know what was going on with his mom. But his wife is an instigating bitch and stirring shit up so his wanting to know isn't happening right now...screw it.
Mom bought a new air card from Verizon (we are all hardcore verizon junkies for the simple fact that it's the only thing that gets service out in the stixx. (Jen got me a Sprint card for my computer because she loves me and wanted me to be able to do my homework without relying on the computer being free at my moms house--Gma only has Dialup since its all we can get out here unless we use Hughesnet which is a rip off)....but i digress. So her computer was having issues and not being compatible with the card. That added to Gma plucking her nerves by just being Gma and overly demanding and needy, worries about her sister, mandi (my sister) being hormonal and always lashing out at her randomly, the pressures associated with my dad leaving for Kosovo for an entire year in a few weeks...etc...(shes stressed and spread thin)
Grandma is getting stir crazy and used to being independent and now has all the people in her house that she has to rely on and things are changing on her more and more each day.
Mandi is a first time mom, going through a divorce, dealing with trying to figure things out with her baby's dad (not the soon to be exhusband) which yes sounds like a soap opera but if I told you the long story would make perfect sense and she is not the bad/guilty person in this scenario...shes super horomonal and stressing in general with an upcoming baby shower, baby, etc in general.
Jen has work issues and ex husband drama. She lives a very stressful life as well. I don't make things easy on her with my mood swings and everyday craziness...basically lil man's dad (who I've never met personally but isn't thrilled with the fact that lil man talked about me nonstop on his 3 1/2 visit, ***snickering instigatingly***lol) he always tries to parent from Colorado....I tell Jen all the time she should just tell him to blow her...lol...but long story short, she's stressed.
Me...well I feed off of everyone's energy. I've got school stress, work stress, family stress, just stress in general. By Saturday afternoon it was boiling over. I told mom on my way out to Walmart with Mandi and lil man that if she needed a break, I'd get grandma to bed that night and get her up in the morning--I can handle it I told her. She said she was fine with tears in her eyes (things were boiling over for her as well...)
I'm at Walmart with Mandi when my phone rings...it's mom...She says, "I'm taking you up on your offer, grandma will be here when you get here I'll see you tomorrow."
I got home, put lil man in the shower, after he helped me clean up the mess, let him open his transformer I bought him (I had gone to walmart for more legos but there were no good ones), put him in the bed and let him start watching a movie. I went downstairs and helped grandma put on her gown on, take her pills and get into bed.....
I came back upstairs paused the movie, lil man was already winding down so I read to him and he was out cold. I put up laundry up and jen came in shortly after. I was beat to say the least and just felt all kinds of bottled up craziness. The toxicity of it all had caught up with me.
Grandma called me at 6:04 this morning to get her up and in the shower. The power went out while she was in there, she finished, I fixed her breakfast and she was good to go for the next hour and a half while I went back to bed.
I dunno...I'm glad I could give my mom a break. I'm tired of my sister being pregnant because she's a bitch on a regular day, add hormones and its a bad combination, I'm worried about work, overwhelmed with school, trying to help Jen with lil man, worrying about aunt melissa, ready for grandma to be back on her feet, tired all the time, feeling fatter now than when i started trying to lose weight, trying to keep things in my relationship with Jen and not put her over the edge because of my moodswings and shit...which is unintentional by the way...I'M GOING TO FREAKING BREAK SOON.
Too much going on and not enough downtime can make even the strongest person break.
Wait. Let me start from the beginning, before I get ahead of myself.
Aunt Melissa (mom's sisters) EKG was abnormal, further tests and scans have also come back abnormal and she is scheduled to see a cardiologist on Tuesday evening. She has been ordered to go the ER if she has any swelling, pain, etc immediately. Do not pass go, do not collect 200 dollars. In addition, my mom tried to call Matthew, Melissa's son (my cousin) to see if he wanted to know what was going on with his mom. But his wife is an instigating bitch and stirring shit up so his wanting to know isn't happening right now...screw it.
Mom bought a new air card from Verizon (we are all hardcore verizon junkies for the simple fact that it's the only thing that gets service out in the stixx. (Jen got me a Sprint card for my computer because she loves me and wanted me to be able to do my homework without relying on the computer being free at my moms house--Gma only has Dialup since its all we can get out here unless we use Hughesnet which is a rip off)....but i digress. So her computer was having issues and not being compatible with the card. That added to Gma plucking her nerves by just being Gma and overly demanding and needy, worries about her sister, mandi (my sister) being hormonal and always lashing out at her randomly, the pressures associated with my dad leaving for Kosovo for an entire year in a few weeks...etc...(shes stressed and spread thin)
Grandma is getting stir crazy and used to being independent and now has all the people in her house that she has to rely on and things are changing on her more and more each day.
Mandi is a first time mom, going through a divorce, dealing with trying to figure things out with her baby's dad (not the soon to be exhusband) which yes sounds like a soap opera but if I told you the long story would make perfect sense and she is not the bad/guilty person in this scenario...shes super horomonal and stressing in general with an upcoming baby shower, baby, etc in general.
Jen has work issues and ex husband drama. She lives a very stressful life as well. I don't make things easy on her with my mood swings and everyday craziness...basically lil man's dad (who I've never met personally but isn't thrilled with the fact that lil man talked about me nonstop on his 3 1/2 visit, ***snickering instigatingly***lol) he always tries to parent from Colorado....I tell Jen all the time she should just tell him to blow her...lol...but long story short, she's stressed.
Me...well I feed off of everyone's energy. I've got school stress, work stress, family stress, just stress in general. By Saturday afternoon it was boiling over. I told mom on my way out to Walmart with Mandi and lil man that if she needed a break, I'd get grandma to bed that night and get her up in the morning--I can handle it I told her. She said she was fine with tears in her eyes (things were boiling over for her as well...)
I'm at Walmart with Mandi when my phone rings...it's mom...She says, "I'm taking you up on your offer, grandma will be here when you get here I'll see you tomorrow."
I got home, put lil man in the shower, after he helped me clean up the mess, let him open his transformer I bought him (I had gone to walmart for more legos but there were no good ones), put him in the bed and let him start watching a movie. I went downstairs and helped grandma put on her gown on, take her pills and get into bed.....
I came back upstairs paused the movie, lil man was already winding down so I read to him and he was out cold. I put up laundry up and jen came in shortly after. I was beat to say the least and just felt all kinds of bottled up craziness. The toxicity of it all had caught up with me.
Grandma called me at 6:04 this morning to get her up and in the shower. The power went out while she was in there, she finished, I fixed her breakfast and she was good to go for the next hour and a half while I went back to bed.
I dunno...I'm glad I could give my mom a break. I'm tired of my sister being pregnant because she's a bitch on a regular day, add hormones and its a bad combination, I'm worried about work, overwhelmed with school, trying to help Jen with lil man, worrying about aunt melissa, ready for grandma to be back on her feet, tired all the time, feeling fatter now than when i started trying to lose weight, trying to keep things in my relationship with Jen and not put her over the edge because of my moodswings and shit...which is unintentional by the way...I'M GOING TO FREAKING BREAK SOON.
Too much going on and not enough downtime can make even the strongest person break.
Wednesday, July 15, 2009
Labor Management
The warehouse switched to a new Labor Management (LM) program in February. This week is the first week that I'm holding my contractors accountable based on the warehouse's expectation. It's only fair because the fulltimers are being held accountable, why not the"temps/contractors?" The downside is that the fulltimers are measured in 2 week intervals where my guys are weekly.
The expectation is that they hit 100% for the week in production and 99% for accuracy. There are two different points programs in place, one for each. Essentially, if you don't hit 100% for the week you are issued a verbal warning and 1 point, the second time a written warning and a point, the third time a final warning and a point, the fourth time you are fired (same applies to the accuracy program)...
My role in this is to be proactive and let my people know where they stand as frequently as possible, daily in most cases so that if they had a bad day on Monday, they have time to bring up their numbers so their average for the week is 100%.
I kind of freaked when this accountability program rolled out because I thought that if my contractors werent hitting the numbers and ended up getting fired over it, it would reflect poorly on me like I wasn't doing enough to keep them from losing their jobs.
Recently I was reminded of two facts: 1. It's not my sole responsibility. There is me, plus their floor supervisor who should help them with the tools and training they need, plus themselves--they have to want to succeed in order to be successful. (It's unfortunate, but if what they are doing isn't necessarily "their cup of tea" the program will slowly weed them out so that someone who can hit the expectation can be brought in to do it) and 2. I can only do so much...I can't hold someone's hand and beg them to do it....(you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink)... our current workforce consists of a number of employees who feel as though they are owed something, not that they should earn something by actually working hard...those people are going to be out of here before they realize whats coming. In actuality I only have like maybe ten percent of my staff that isn't hitting at least 100% (many of them are in the 130s so the expectation is acheivable...) It just sucks that so many of my folks feel like everyone is against them and when help is offered they twist into something ridiculous and continue to come up with excuse after excuse.
I dunno. Sometimes I just want to shake people, other times I want to get on a forklift and back over them. Don't tell OSHA.
The expectation is that they hit 100% for the week in production and 99% for accuracy. There are two different points programs in place, one for each. Essentially, if you don't hit 100% for the week you are issued a verbal warning and 1 point, the second time a written warning and a point, the third time a final warning and a point, the fourth time you are fired (same applies to the accuracy program)...
My role in this is to be proactive and let my people know where they stand as frequently as possible, daily in most cases so that if they had a bad day on Monday, they have time to bring up their numbers so their average for the week is 100%.
I kind of freaked when this accountability program rolled out because I thought that if my contractors werent hitting the numbers and ended up getting fired over it, it would reflect poorly on me like I wasn't doing enough to keep them from losing their jobs.
Recently I was reminded of two facts: 1. It's not my sole responsibility. There is me, plus their floor supervisor who should help them with the tools and training they need, plus themselves--they have to want to succeed in order to be successful. (It's unfortunate, but if what they are doing isn't necessarily "their cup of tea" the program will slowly weed them out so that someone who can hit the expectation can be brought in to do it) and 2. I can only do so much...I can't hold someone's hand and beg them to do it....(you can lead a horse to water but not make it drink)... our current workforce consists of a number of employees who feel as though they are owed something, not that they should earn something by actually working hard...those people are going to be out of here before they realize whats coming. In actuality I only have like maybe ten percent of my staff that isn't hitting at least 100% (many of them are in the 130s so the expectation is acheivable...) It just sucks that so many of my folks feel like everyone is against them and when help is offered they twist into something ridiculous and continue to come up with excuse after excuse.
I dunno. Sometimes I just want to shake people, other times I want to get on a forklift and back over them. Don't tell OSHA.
Tuesday, July 14, 2009
smoke
I need a smoke. A cigarette. Prozac on a stick... I know it will only make me feel better for a second and then I will just become irritated at the fact that I smell, no wreak of cigarettes. The taste from a single puff will linger in my mouth and despite chewing gum, brushing my teeth, or even rinsing with mouthwash...I'll still taste it.
I'll still open my mouth and see this dry, hot, smokey cloud resignate from my insides letting everyone else around me that I smoked as well. I'll wash the stink from my hands feel refreshed, only to catch a whiff of its unpleasantness in my shirt.
I never smoke the whole pack, so what a waste. I used to keep an emergency pack in the glove box, but since I smoke them so infrequently, by the time I pulled one out to get that quick, calming fix, before slipping into my nicotine coma--the tobacco was so dry and old that the cigarette burned up entirely too fast.
Ugh. Stale tobacco. Sometimes I give the cigarettes away--I know plenty of people that smoke...and would love to not spend a metric shit ton of money on a pack of smokes...but it's not worth it. It won't fix what is bothering me, only giving me something new to bitch about and take my mind off of what's really weighing it down temporarily.
Both of my grandfathers smoked. One, up until they put him on oxygen and the other until he was on oxygen and the cigarettes still killed him after stopping...it was too late. My mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend still smoke. My sister hasn't had one for about two months and my Aunt Melissa probably a month now.
ME...I haven't smoked since college...then I only did it because it gave me something to do. I never enjoyed it...never liked the taste or the smell...hate riding in the car with someone who is smoking, I guess i'm just a hater.
I need to stop looking for ways to deal with my problems through other objects. For example, I'm a mood eater. I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad, awake, it doesn't matter (though I have recently started to get that under control, thank goodness)...but looking to cigarettes isn't going to solve my problem so why waste my money. The way my mouth will feel afterwards prevents me from bumming one...
At some point I'm just going to have to face my demons and do it substance free (substance being anything ranging from sugar, soda, chocolate, cigarettes, etc) Id love be high right now...but I haven't smoked pot in over a year (because of my job, lol) and that too isn't going to fix anything...
Fuck me. (no not literally)
I'll still open my mouth and see this dry, hot, smokey cloud resignate from my insides letting everyone else around me that I smoked as well. I'll wash the stink from my hands feel refreshed, only to catch a whiff of its unpleasantness in my shirt.
I never smoke the whole pack, so what a waste. I used to keep an emergency pack in the glove box, but since I smoke them so infrequently, by the time I pulled one out to get that quick, calming fix, before slipping into my nicotine coma--the tobacco was so dry and old that the cigarette burned up entirely too fast.
Ugh. Stale tobacco. Sometimes I give the cigarettes away--I know plenty of people that smoke...and would love to not spend a metric shit ton of money on a pack of smokes...but it's not worth it. It won't fix what is bothering me, only giving me something new to bitch about and take my mind off of what's really weighing it down temporarily.
Both of my grandfathers smoked. One, up until they put him on oxygen and the other until he was on oxygen and the cigarettes still killed him after stopping...it was too late. My mom, dad, brother, and his girlfriend still smoke. My sister hasn't had one for about two months and my Aunt Melissa probably a month now.
ME...I haven't smoked since college...then I only did it because it gave me something to do. I never enjoyed it...never liked the taste or the smell...hate riding in the car with someone who is smoking, I guess i'm just a hater.
I need to stop looking for ways to deal with my problems through other objects. For example, I'm a mood eater. I eat when I'm bored, happy, sad, awake, it doesn't matter (though I have recently started to get that under control, thank goodness)...but looking to cigarettes isn't going to solve my problem so why waste my money. The way my mouth will feel afterwards prevents me from bumming one...
At some point I'm just going to have to face my demons and do it substance free (substance being anything ranging from sugar, soda, chocolate, cigarettes, etc) Id love be high right now...but I haven't smoked pot in over a year (because of my job, lol) and that too isn't going to fix anything...
Fuck me. (no not literally)
My favorite place
It's no secret that I love the ocean, the beach, the sand, the smell that accompanies the entire experience. I live about 45 minutes from Virginia Beach (but never go because it is like tourist hell) and the beach isn't what I want it to be. Instead I always venture to my trusted favorite: Hatteras Island, NC--it's part of the Outer Banks of NC, but down past the beaches of Nags Head, Corolla, Duck, Kitty Hawk, etc...A single 2 lane road gets you there...the movie Nights in Rodanthe was filmed in Rodanthe, NC which is a part of Hatteras Island (the movie was based on the book by Nicholas Sparks)....but anyway...
It's one of those places where the highway occassionally gets washed out if the waves are rough and the tide comes in too far...Frequent mandatory evacuations occur during hurricane season...but none of that matters.
What does matter is the feeling I get when I cross that VA/NC line when the anticipation begins to build...and the smell that fills my insides as early as crossing the Wright Brothers Memorial Bridge heading to the Outer Banks....How ancy I get driving through tourist hell in Nags Head and Kitty Hawk, looking forward to the stop light where I will take that left hand turn and be on HWY 12...and almost there.
My parent's beach house (which used to belong to Gma) is in Salvo, down past Rodanthe, but before Avon...and a simple one story 2 bedroom cottage that was built in the 50's or 60's...it's not like these new multimillion dollar deals that people rent out for a week at a time and spend anywhere from a grand to ten grand (yes, for a single week)... whoa.
It's a place to go and relax. For the longest time we didn't even have a TV down there, no phones were allowed, fishing and relaxing...that was the key. Now there is a TV, everyone has their cell phones, and a couple of window units attempt to keep everyone cool in the sweltering, humid heat of July and August.
Most of the time when I visit it's soley to get away. To ride out on the beach (you have to have 4x4 to do that, so I generally catch a ride with mom or dad and just sit. Walk barefoot on the sand and let the waves crash at my ankles (though sometimes if I'm not paying attention I get hit by one at waist level...that'll wake you up.) The seaspray and salt sticking to your skin...the shells scattered are beautiful to me, but sad at the same time. I feel bad if I pick up one and not the other, as if indicated that one has a beauty that the other does not. Who am I to judge all that? But alas, my pockets are not big enough to carry all that I find, besides, I need to save some for those still waiting to experience all that Hatteras has to offer.
When I can, I like to drive farther down the island until I reach the Cape Hatteras Lighthouse (pictured above)...it's the tallest in the country and absolutely amazing. I climbed it once, before they moved it (they had to get it away from where it was because the sand was eroding away and it was going to fall into the ocean...) Oh so many steps, but the view from the top is one I'll never forget. I told my mom that if I die before she does, it is imparative that my ashes be sprinkled and or dumped somewhere in the vacinity of this lighthouse, or at least on my favorite span of beach...I want to be there forever. She of course said, "Oh, so you want like a burial at sea." I said, "Yeah, something like that." She responded back, "Well shit, why don't I just flush your ashes down the toilet...you're bound to make it to the sea eventually..."
Good grief. Lol. I'm overdue for a visit and I can tell. The beach/ocean is a part of me and I do periodically get like a fish out of water....gasping what seems like my last breath, not knowing if I'll make it before its too late.
I just want to escape and Hatteras will so let me do that. I will be allowed to be alone with my thoughts, but have the option to turn them and everything out with the crashing waves....If I wasn't doing hair this weekend I'd so just get in my car and drive, even if I had to trade sexual favors for gas money to get back (not literally)...
The time will be right soon enough...and then I will be rescued by the sea...even if only temporarily.
Monday, July 6, 2009
Skinny Dieters?
I love quotes. I spend a lot of time at www.quotegarden.com because I can pull up a topic for the day based on how I'm feeling and what not and just get lost. Today I found these fabulous treats:
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~Paula Poundstone
That's a quote I can relate to, plus Paula Poundstone is just an hilarious comic. I remember seeing her on comedy central several times...always made me laugh)
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
That quote baffles me and pisses me off at the same time. That's the gayest supposed inspirational shit I've EVER heard. How does one know how fabulous thin feels when she came out of the womb plus size. Ugh... It's a good thing the author is unknown, otherwise I'd have to google the idiot who said it, go to their house and hit them in the forehead with a snickers bar or something out of shear principle.
When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~Janette Barber
I found this amusing as well. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've thrown out things I shouldn't be eating and really considered digging it out of the trash to finish it. I can't help it, I have a love hate relationship with food. I love it and it hates me in the most offensive fashion.
Why is it that when you are trying to better yourself (like I am, but in baby steps)...there is always someone who comes along and tries to screw it up for you. There is this girl that I work with, a few years younger than me, so in her mid 20s who is maybe like a size 3, if that. She's obsessed with losing weight. She's always loudly counting her calories talking about how gross she is and what not....I really just want to shake her and be like "Bitch, shut up and eat a cheeseburger before you blow away." I'm not generally one of those angry "big girls" that hates skinny women by any means. There is a lot that comes into play in the area of weight and you'll never know ALL of someone's circumstances.
It just irks me to know end when skinny women talk about how fat they are and this and that...I want to scream, are you kidding me I'D KILL TO BE ABLE TO BUY CLOTHES THAT SIZE AND HAVE THEM ACTUALLY FIT, to get clothes at a bargain rather than have to rely on overpriced clothing like Lane Bryant and what not.
I just don't understand it. I love myself and I want to better myself so I'm at the point where I'm doing it little by little. I've never been a little girl...hell, my senior year of high school I was a 16, but I was curvy and sexy...now I'm just REALLY CURVY and sexy, lol. But for real, it's discouraging to be working so hard at something (though I know there are things that I still need to improve, such as my eating habits) but I'm getting there, only to have someone rail then everything short of a super model suck the life out of me and go on and on and on about how she feels guilty for eating a big sandwhich...or taking too many breaths of air...how many calories are in air again...OH MY GOD SHUT THE HELL UP WILL YOU.
Go put yourself in Time out before I'm snap and begin force feeding you cheeseburgers and candy bars--JUST MAKE THE INSANITY STOP.
I'm much like Cathy from the comic strip (remember her? She was always dieting and stuff was always going awry...What is this world coming to. I've got well over a hundred pounds to lose to get to where I ideal want to be and if I kill her it's going to fuck up my progress thus far (the little I've made) because I'm going to have to barbeque her and eat her to hide the evidence....eww. Just kidding...I kinda just vomited in my mouth.
I guess I can get off my soap box for a minute...I mean it's lunchtime and all...priorities priorities priorities.
I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge. ~Paula Poundstone
That's a quote I can relate to, plus Paula Poundstone is just an hilarious comic. I remember seeing her on comedy central several times...always made me laugh)
Nothing tastes as good as being thin feels. ~Author Unknown
That quote baffles me and pisses me off at the same time. That's the gayest supposed inspirational shit I've EVER heard. How does one know how fabulous thin feels when she came out of the womb plus size. Ugh... It's a good thing the author is unknown, otherwise I'd have to google the idiot who said it, go to their house and hit them in the forehead with a snickers bar or something out of shear principle.
When I buy cookies I eat just four and throw the rest away. But first I spray them with Raid so I won't dig them out of the garbage later. Be careful, though, because that Raid really doesn't taste that bad. ~Janette Barber
I found this amusing as well. I can't even begin to count the number of times I've thrown out things I shouldn't be eating and really considered digging it out of the trash to finish it. I can't help it, I have a love hate relationship with food. I love it and it hates me in the most offensive fashion.
Why is it that when you are trying to better yourself (like I am, but in baby steps)...there is always someone who comes along and tries to screw it up for you. There is this girl that I work with, a few years younger than me, so in her mid 20s who is maybe like a size 3, if that. She's obsessed with losing weight. She's always loudly counting her calories talking about how gross she is and what not....I really just want to shake her and be like "Bitch, shut up and eat a cheeseburger before you blow away." I'm not generally one of those angry "big girls" that hates skinny women by any means. There is a lot that comes into play in the area of weight and you'll never know ALL of someone's circumstances.
It just irks me to know end when skinny women talk about how fat they are and this and that...I want to scream, are you kidding me I'D KILL TO BE ABLE TO BUY CLOTHES THAT SIZE AND HAVE THEM ACTUALLY FIT, to get clothes at a bargain rather than have to rely on overpriced clothing like Lane Bryant and what not.
I just don't understand it. I love myself and I want to better myself so I'm at the point where I'm doing it little by little. I've never been a little girl...hell, my senior year of high school I was a 16, but I was curvy and sexy...now I'm just REALLY CURVY and sexy, lol. But for real, it's discouraging to be working so hard at something (though I know there are things that I still need to improve, such as my eating habits) but I'm getting there, only to have someone rail then everything short of a super model suck the life out of me and go on and on and on about how she feels guilty for eating a big sandwhich...or taking too many breaths of air...how many calories are in air again...OH MY GOD SHUT THE HELL UP WILL YOU.
Go put yourself in Time out before I'm snap and begin force feeding you cheeseburgers and candy bars--JUST MAKE THE INSANITY STOP.
I'm much like Cathy from the comic strip (remember her? She was always dieting and stuff was always going awry...What is this world coming to. I've got well over a hundred pounds to lose to get to where I ideal want to be and if I kill her it's going to fuck up my progress thus far (the little I've made) because I'm going to have to barbeque her and eat her to hide the evidence....eww. Just kidding...I kinda just vomited in my mouth.
I guess I can get off my soap box for a minute...I mean it's lunchtime and all...priorities priorities priorities.
Monday, June 22, 2009
Homicide
So in the midst of writing papers this weekend, contemplating taking my finals, and doing grandma's laundry, I found myself stressed (like usual).
I went to the gas station, bought a Take 5 candy bar (which I didn't need but I was jonesing for chocolate), a rice krispy treat, and a Dr. Pepper.
I'm happy to report that I devoured the take five, and the rice krispy treat, but the Dr. Pepper remained unopened in the refrigerator until Jen got to my house and drank it with dinner.
Yes folks, today marks my no soda attempt at 2 WHOLE WEEKS! And to be quite honest with you, I would kill for a soda right now....not even kidding. Fucking a.
I went to the gas station, bought a Take 5 candy bar (which I didn't need but I was jonesing for chocolate), a rice krispy treat, and a Dr. Pepper.
I'm happy to report that I devoured the take five, and the rice krispy treat, but the Dr. Pepper remained unopened in the refrigerator until Jen got to my house and drank it with dinner.
Yes folks, today marks my no soda attempt at 2 WHOLE WEEKS! And to be quite honest with you, I would kill for a soda right now....not even kidding. Fucking a.
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