I'M AN AUNT!!! Yay...after two days of the attempted inducing of my sister (to no avail)...the doctors took her off of the patosin? and at some point the baby's heart beat spiked...it was like this for about an hour and a half and they couldn't get it to go down so they opted for a C-Section....Both mom and baby are healthy, happy, and fabulous.
I have not physically laid eyes on my one and only niece, but Charley Danielle (Charley for my uncle who passed away ten years ago and Danielle for my grandfather...daniel) has a head full of hair, a pudgy round face with huge cheeks, lol and she weighed 8 1bs and is 19 in long... she was born last night at 9:00 pm. I'm hoping to get off work early, since I've been working 10.5 hour days and getting to work ASS early...to go and meet my niece. Kind of exciting...I'm not an aunt. I wonder what she'll call me (when she can talk that is)...Aunt Tommy? Aunt T? Aunt Tom? Thomas? I guess only time will tell...for now I'm just stoked she's finally friggin' here. My sister tried for years to get pregnant and her dream came true in the middle of a divorce, by accident :) And what a beautiful accident it turned out to be :)
In addition, I finally got to view my grades for the classes I just completed (you know, the last ones)...all A's... I did really well on the papers I procrastinated on and got a perfect score on one of my finals...I'm such a nerd :) That brought my GPA up to a 3.5 which I can totally live with :) Plus it will look decent on a resume along with my membership in Alpha Sigma Lambda, or whatever the Honor's society frat is....
Still working on the resume...getting there slowly...I just hope the position isn't filled while I'm trying to get my shit together and in fabulous HIRE ME form...
More training this morning and I must devise a way to curb the attendance issue we are experiencing here in the warehouse...I don't know what people's problems are... HEY BITCHES, CARRY YOUR ASS TO WORK...I have a hard enough time getting myself to work on time and EVERY fucking day...I can't come to ya'lls house, wake you up, fix you a bowl of cereal and comb your hair YOU ARE ALL MOTHER FUCKING ADULTS and I am NOT YOUR MOMMY!!! GET YOUR SHIT TOGETHER OR GET FIRED, I DON'T CARE AT THIS POINT...
Yeah right...I'd fire a 1/4 of my staff easily if it wasn't against policy, haha. All because of excessive absenteeism and tardies...we have a points program in place but excuse the points with documentation, some folks abuse it and those folks are going on final warning today because of it... I'm tired of wasting my energy trying to make them successful when they don't want it for themselves.
Mom made me cry night before last. She called me randomly to say that she loved me and that she was really proud of me for finishing my degree. She said that she didn't care that it took me ten years to do it...she was impressed that I had stuck with it. That was awesome. I'm lucky to have such a fabulous family and loving supportive girlfriend.
I think back to the times when I was in Beauty School and didn't want to go in because I was tired and just wanted to sleep....my dad would knock on my door, open it, and immediately start singing, BEAUTY SCHOOL DROP OUT from Grease...he definitely helped me along in that area. I couldn't handle the thought of quitting college and then also quitting beauty school too....ugh...I had to finish something at some point....and I did... unfortunately, I hate doing hair full time, but I keep up my license for shits and giggles.
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Showing posts with label school. Show all posts
Wednesday, September 23, 2009
Friday, September 18, 2009
Work and other worthless thoughts
Yesterday (Thursday) was an all around awful day for me. I had completed the last of all my required assignments late Wednesday night and expected to wake feeling over joyed at the accomplishment of technically finishing school and all associated with it. But, alas, it felt like a regular day. No fireworks, no applause, nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular day--I was okay with that. After submitting my last assignment I emailed the school a copy of the form that I needed to fill out: Request for verification or something like that.
Basically, they check my financial standing and my grades and give me a yay or nay response, which will be emailed to me in 10-14 business days. Once approved, I will then be billed the $125 evaluation fee (translation, another way for them to bleed me dry, as if the over 50 grand in student loans I've accumulated over the years, and $400 minimum for text books every 11 weeks for the last two years wasn't enough)...
I missed the deadline for the graduation ceremony, which is okay because I had already announced I wasn't going to walk. What I am going to do is borrow my sister's cap and gown from her graduation last May...(including tassle), put on my honor's cord that I received for good grades and pose for "fake" grad pictures. Then, Mom and Mandi are going to hum the graduation march song and I'm going to walk my big ass to the fridge for a nice ice cold beer :) Now that's a plan, lol. It's not that I'm not excited about graduating, because, trust and believe I'm ecstatic to be finished, but it's not official until I get that yay or nay email...so I'll put off my WOOHOOs until then.
Back to the point...yesterday sucked. I feel more and more like a babysitter at my job than a supervisor. I'm a broken record, repeating myself all damn day long because no one fucking listens. Firing people for no call no shows, writing people up and coaching them for not maintaining the expected performance/production standards, or accuracy issue, attendance issues, etc...gets rather repetitive. I'm tired of having a job where at the end of the day I don't fee like I've accomplished anything. I have no impact in my opinion on any aspect. I can't impact the operations of the client, because they are the client, and I'm just some peon that doesn't know anything...(apparently) and within my own organization I'm trapped and have no impact because I'm just a contractor as opposed to being internal. I've been here thirteen and a half months and very little I was promised has actually occurred.
There is this job that I would really like to have. It's the same basic principles but focuses less on supervising and more on training and implementation, still focusing on safety...I didnt get the nickname Five-O for not being on top of my safety game. (Hey so and so, where's your seatbelt?, Hey dude, this isn't Nascar, slow your roll...etc) This position is open until filled, the pay range is $15000-25000 more than I make now, which granted isn't much at all...is only 12 miles from my house (my job now is only 5 miles away) and is a city/state job which means that I'd be a state employee, with kick ass benefits, paid holidays and sick time, and tuition reimbursement (for when I'm ready to go with my masters)... I just have to pencil in time to update my resume and apply. It's kind of fucked up though...all this schooling and emphasis in business writing and my resume sucks ass....
My boss came to the facility yesterday. She had interviews lined up...more people for me to potentially train, fire, or have quit or just stop showing up in the same week. I'm saying this all wrong. I had to sit down and figure if Im the reason this is happening, but even the client company is running into a slew of no call no shoes or people just up and quitting....I'm just not passionate about my role here anymore. I'm not a die hard person like my boss, who stuck it out doing what I'm doing for 18 months before getting a gig at the main office...(still overseeing me and the account, but with a lot of extra responsibility like recruiting)... I'm not recruiter material. I don't believe in this client enough to try and get people to work here...sounds horrible huh, but it's the truth....
There is never any negative feedback from the client supervisor/managers to my boss and my bosses boss...but I'm tired of feeling like I'm on a deserted island and invisible. I need a change.
My boss is still great as a person, it's just that I'm burned out in my position that I'm becoming bitter and that's affecting the way I see a lot of things, work in general, my boss and the way she does things, etc. I have to type of a list of issues that I'm having with the client supervisors/managers to email her, she'll add to it and send it to her boss and he'll have a meeting with the head honchos for the client next week to try and correct the issues.
I'm generally non-confrontational... I'd assume play nice and then bitch about the problems later rather than stir shit up right then... mainly because I know it's pointless...That's about to change.
When I leave here in the afternoons is more of a sense of relief than accomplishment...I smoked a cigarette, from my emergency pack (going on three weeks old at this point now I think)....to come down, to relax and center myself....I hate smelling like smoke, but dammit sometimes that "prozac on a stick" is the good shit.
Since it was Thursday I headed to Jen's house to watch lil man for her... he was whiney which tends to stress me out, but he didn't feel good so I did my best to not get irritated...it wasn't his fault. I had just had a crappy day, snapped at Jen via text, which I quickly apologized for since it wasn't my intention...and now was trying to snap out of the foul mood I was in.
Lil man and I built our own pizzas and did his homework...he showered and got into bed on time. I was attempting to blog and had just got out of the shower myself when he woke up and announced he had to pee. I was conducting a test run with leaving Pepper with Grandma overnight...(something I've decided I wont' do ever again because she creates reasons to call me when I'm not at home...it gets old. This morning I had three missed calls from her....The first one was to see if I was home because she heard the dog barking and wanted to know if she needed to get up and let her out....the second was to let me know the dog was outside and the third to verify which bag had dog food in it....(Gee grandma, I dunno, maybe it's the one that says PEDIGREE in like 375 font and has the dog on it)...she then tells me about how the water is looking low...(Grandma, it's 615 in the fucking morning, the dog is not going to drink the remainder of her 5 gallon waterer before I get home this afternoon....when it's low, there is still a gallon in there....for fucks sake lady)...all stuff she knows, but she plays dumb to have reasons to talk to me when I'm not around because she's lonely... how is she going to be when I move out... i'm going to have to change my telephone number for real.
As always, I digress...back to Thursday night with lil man: So he gets up and says he needs to pee, pees, then comes into Jen's room where I was blogging and watching tv putting off much needed sleep and starts crying because he doesn't feel well... I have him come over to me and cuddle with him at which time I realized he was radiating heat and quickly regretted the cuddling portion because it made me start to sweat....he was in and out of crying bouts and sleep when I called Jen, who was on her way home by this point and asked if she had any kids tylenol because I thought lil man had a fever... She didnt so she detoured to get some....She gets home and within three minutes of her being there, he sits up on her bed to get ready to take some medicine when he starts puking all over the bed....Poor guy. I hop up as quick as possible because anyone who has heard the sound of a kid puking knows they aren't safe and it could end up anywhere....
This awful smell filled the air and Jen had to catch her breath to keep from vomiting herself....he got off the bed and I walked carrying a washcloth in front of his face catching as much vomit as I could...though the majority I think got on my hand and started running down my arm...Jen helped him in the bathroom, I washed my hands and peeled the sheets, mattress cover, and comforter off the bed...he had managed to saturate all three with puke...fun. The smell was not pleasant by any means and I was thankful that I don't have a weak stomach.
I walk past Jen with the pile of sheets and comforter and hear her request that I get as much of the chunks out before washing it.... wow this just gets grosser and grosser... (I flashed back to last week when I had butt wiping detail and this week where I'm touching vomit with my bare hand and adding harassing her about this later to my mental to do list)... What fun.
He just had sour stomach and a head ache it seemed... all of a sudden he has tons of energy post shower.... everything short of running laps and telling his mom about the words he had written during homework. Jen looks at me and says babe, you should be asleep, if you need to go home, I understand.... I stayed... I wasn't sure that I'd be able to keep my eyes open long enough to drive home... so no need to risk it. I was overly tired and didn't sleep well... at 1:30 this morning I woke up to Jen tossing sheets on me...the comforter still wasn't dry, so the two of us had been sharing a throw blanket (which I'm sure I hogged the majority of being as I like sleeping in the fetal position with everything but my head covered, blankets up to my neck and strategically tucked and one foot poked out, but not uncovered allowing air to circulate...) I made comment about how I was going to be hating life tomorrow.... Jen said, "just don't hate my son..." Like I could do that...I threw her a weird look and passed out.
Five thirty rolled around rather quickly and up and motivated I was. Out the door in time to make a run to Chic fil-a for a chicken egg and cheese biscuit (I had planned this while still at work on Thursday and was determined to stick to the plan... plus some coworkers had already made requests for what they wanted.)...
Then work, more drama, more No call no shows, more resignations without notice...etc...fun
I was going to go see a movie tonight since it's been weeks since the last one I've seen....but I'm thinking a nap curled up with Chino and Pepper trumps this desire....and perhaps clean the upstairs tonight since I have to do grandmas part of the house tomorrow. I was going to take Jen and lil man to the Isle of Wight Co. Fair but think I'll wait a month and take them to the Suffolk Peanut Fest instead....Though, I think Clarence Carter, the guy that sings "strokin" is supposed to perform at the Isle of Wight Fair tonight....I dunno...not that eager right now, maybe after some sleep sometime this weekend we'll stroll that way on Sunday, for now rest is in the lead for things to do.
Basically, they check my financial standing and my grades and give me a yay or nay response, which will be emailed to me in 10-14 business days. Once approved, I will then be billed the $125 evaluation fee (translation, another way for them to bleed me dry, as if the over 50 grand in student loans I've accumulated over the years, and $400 minimum for text books every 11 weeks for the last two years wasn't enough)...
I missed the deadline for the graduation ceremony, which is okay because I had already announced I wasn't going to walk. What I am going to do is borrow my sister's cap and gown from her graduation last May...(including tassle), put on my honor's cord that I received for good grades and pose for "fake" grad pictures. Then, Mom and Mandi are going to hum the graduation march song and I'm going to walk my big ass to the fridge for a nice ice cold beer :) Now that's a plan, lol. It's not that I'm not excited about graduating, because, trust and believe I'm ecstatic to be finished, but it's not official until I get that yay or nay email...so I'll put off my WOOHOOs until then.
Back to the point...yesterday sucked. I feel more and more like a babysitter at my job than a supervisor. I'm a broken record, repeating myself all damn day long because no one fucking listens. Firing people for no call no shows, writing people up and coaching them for not maintaining the expected performance/production standards, or accuracy issue, attendance issues, etc...gets rather repetitive. I'm tired of having a job where at the end of the day I don't fee like I've accomplished anything. I have no impact in my opinion on any aspect. I can't impact the operations of the client, because they are the client, and I'm just some peon that doesn't know anything...(apparently) and within my own organization I'm trapped and have no impact because I'm just a contractor as opposed to being internal. I've been here thirteen and a half months and very little I was promised has actually occurred.
There is this job that I would really like to have. It's the same basic principles but focuses less on supervising and more on training and implementation, still focusing on safety...I didnt get the nickname Five-O for not being on top of my safety game. (Hey so and so, where's your seatbelt?, Hey dude, this isn't Nascar, slow your roll...etc) This position is open until filled, the pay range is $15000-25000 more than I make now, which granted isn't much at all...is only 12 miles from my house (my job now is only 5 miles away) and is a city/state job which means that I'd be a state employee, with kick ass benefits, paid holidays and sick time, and tuition reimbursement (for when I'm ready to go with my masters)... I just have to pencil in time to update my resume and apply. It's kind of fucked up though...all this schooling and emphasis in business writing and my resume sucks ass....
My boss came to the facility yesterday. She had interviews lined up...more people for me to potentially train, fire, or have quit or just stop showing up in the same week. I'm saying this all wrong. I had to sit down and figure if Im the reason this is happening, but even the client company is running into a slew of no call no shoes or people just up and quitting....I'm just not passionate about my role here anymore. I'm not a die hard person like my boss, who stuck it out doing what I'm doing for 18 months before getting a gig at the main office...(still overseeing me and the account, but with a lot of extra responsibility like recruiting)... I'm not recruiter material. I don't believe in this client enough to try and get people to work here...sounds horrible huh, but it's the truth....
There is never any negative feedback from the client supervisor/managers to my boss and my bosses boss...but I'm tired of feeling like I'm on a deserted island and invisible. I need a change.
My boss is still great as a person, it's just that I'm burned out in my position that I'm becoming bitter and that's affecting the way I see a lot of things, work in general, my boss and the way she does things, etc. I have to type of a list of issues that I'm having with the client supervisors/managers to email her, she'll add to it and send it to her boss and he'll have a meeting with the head honchos for the client next week to try and correct the issues.
I'm generally non-confrontational... I'd assume play nice and then bitch about the problems later rather than stir shit up right then... mainly because I know it's pointless...That's about to change.
When I leave here in the afternoons is more of a sense of relief than accomplishment...I smoked a cigarette, from my emergency pack (going on three weeks old at this point now I think)....to come down, to relax and center myself....I hate smelling like smoke, but dammit sometimes that "prozac on a stick" is the good shit.
Since it was Thursday I headed to Jen's house to watch lil man for her... he was whiney which tends to stress me out, but he didn't feel good so I did my best to not get irritated...it wasn't his fault. I had just had a crappy day, snapped at Jen via text, which I quickly apologized for since it wasn't my intention...and now was trying to snap out of the foul mood I was in.
Lil man and I built our own pizzas and did his homework...he showered and got into bed on time. I was attempting to blog and had just got out of the shower myself when he woke up and announced he had to pee. I was conducting a test run with leaving Pepper with Grandma overnight...(something I've decided I wont' do ever again because she creates reasons to call me when I'm not at home...it gets old. This morning I had three missed calls from her....The first one was to see if I was home because she heard the dog barking and wanted to know if she needed to get up and let her out....the second was to let me know the dog was outside and the third to verify which bag had dog food in it....(Gee grandma, I dunno, maybe it's the one that says PEDIGREE in like 375 font and has the dog on it)...she then tells me about how the water is looking low...(Grandma, it's 615 in the fucking morning, the dog is not going to drink the remainder of her 5 gallon waterer before I get home this afternoon....when it's low, there is still a gallon in there....for fucks sake lady)...all stuff she knows, but she plays dumb to have reasons to talk to me when I'm not around because she's lonely... how is she going to be when I move out... i'm going to have to change my telephone number for real.
As always, I digress...back to Thursday night with lil man: So he gets up and says he needs to pee, pees, then comes into Jen's room where I was blogging and watching tv putting off much needed sleep and starts crying because he doesn't feel well... I have him come over to me and cuddle with him at which time I realized he was radiating heat and quickly regretted the cuddling portion because it made me start to sweat....he was in and out of crying bouts and sleep when I called Jen, who was on her way home by this point and asked if she had any kids tylenol because I thought lil man had a fever... She didnt so she detoured to get some....She gets home and within three minutes of her being there, he sits up on her bed to get ready to take some medicine when he starts puking all over the bed....Poor guy. I hop up as quick as possible because anyone who has heard the sound of a kid puking knows they aren't safe and it could end up anywhere....
This awful smell filled the air and Jen had to catch her breath to keep from vomiting herself....he got off the bed and I walked carrying a washcloth in front of his face catching as much vomit as I could...though the majority I think got on my hand and started running down my arm...Jen helped him in the bathroom, I washed my hands and peeled the sheets, mattress cover, and comforter off the bed...he had managed to saturate all three with puke...fun. The smell was not pleasant by any means and I was thankful that I don't have a weak stomach.
I walk past Jen with the pile of sheets and comforter and hear her request that I get as much of the chunks out before washing it.... wow this just gets grosser and grosser... (I flashed back to last week when I had butt wiping detail and this week where I'm touching vomit with my bare hand and adding harassing her about this later to my mental to do list)... What fun.
He just had sour stomach and a head ache it seemed... all of a sudden he has tons of energy post shower.... everything short of running laps and telling his mom about the words he had written during homework. Jen looks at me and says babe, you should be asleep, if you need to go home, I understand.... I stayed... I wasn't sure that I'd be able to keep my eyes open long enough to drive home... so no need to risk it. I was overly tired and didn't sleep well... at 1:30 this morning I woke up to Jen tossing sheets on me...the comforter still wasn't dry, so the two of us had been sharing a throw blanket (which I'm sure I hogged the majority of being as I like sleeping in the fetal position with everything but my head covered, blankets up to my neck and strategically tucked and one foot poked out, but not uncovered allowing air to circulate...) I made comment about how I was going to be hating life tomorrow.... Jen said, "just don't hate my son..." Like I could do that...I threw her a weird look and passed out.
Five thirty rolled around rather quickly and up and motivated I was. Out the door in time to make a run to Chic fil-a for a chicken egg and cheese biscuit (I had planned this while still at work on Thursday and was determined to stick to the plan... plus some coworkers had already made requests for what they wanted.)...
Then work, more drama, more No call no shows, more resignations without notice...etc...fun
I was going to go see a movie tonight since it's been weeks since the last one I've seen....but I'm thinking a nap curled up with Chino and Pepper trumps this desire....and perhaps clean the upstairs tonight since I have to do grandmas part of the house tomorrow. I was going to take Jen and lil man to the Isle of Wight Co. Fair but think I'll wait a month and take them to the Suffolk Peanut Fest instead....Though, I think Clarence Carter, the guy that sings "strokin" is supposed to perform at the Isle of Wight Fair tonight....I dunno...not that eager right now, maybe after some sleep sometime this weekend we'll stroll that way on Sunday, for now rest is in the lead for things to do.
Sunday, September 13, 2009
Sneaky surprises
I kept telling Jen that I wasn't able to stay on Thursday night, despite taking Friday off because Gma had concerns about taking care of Pepper all Thursday and Friday too... She got off of work Thursday night after I had been at her place helping her with lil man and had a few surprises...
I had rearranged her room to unblock the chi and to see her reaction honestly (she loved it, though it's not completely organized yet because I didn't want to dig through all her shit...she'll need to know where everything is.)
A few other things were up my sleeve as well....You see I had arranged for my mom to watch Pepper so that Gma would fret and piss my mom off by calling her with some made up story about Pepper getting into something she shouldn't or whatever...I took Pepper to mom's house on Wednesday night. I packed my bag, put it in the trumk. After work Thursday I headed to Jens, according to plan. I did all my "good deeds" while she was at work and when she got home, she was expecting me to go--but I didn't. I stayed at her place for the first time in MONTHS...I'd stay more but her roommate won't allow pets and I can't leave Pepper for that long. I was so stealthy in my mind...I even blogged prior to talking about how I'd be unable to stay.
It was a nice surprise I'd say and I always sleep so good in her bed next to her. Three great things...A beautiful woman, a mattress constructed from sheer ecstasy, and being relaxed after some dirty kinky fun (funny how i say that even with it's the more soft sensual sex stuff, ha)...
I got up on Friday earlier than planned because lil man came in the bedroom and was like, Tommy Tommy, Wanna see my bus...he was stoked so I couldn't refuse. I had a bowl of Trix while I waited...had my retinas burned out when I opened the door to see him get on the bus...I got a kick out of the fact that he needed to poop two seconds before the bus got there. He was quick and I got ass wiping duty while Jen waited at the door in case the bus got there before he was done....pants up and out the door just in time...I couldn't help but laugh.
Off I went to work on my paper. I'm proud to announce that after 14 hours of work I completed my pseudo-masterpiece: The GLBT Workplace: Discrimination, Domestic Partnership Benefits, and Diversity Awareness on the Job was complete. There were a few hours spent taking a break and stretching my ass which had become quite tired of sitting. Saturday brought another 14 hour paper writing spree. This time a business plan for my fake business called Different Strokes, Inc.--a Diversity Awareness Consulting Firm...
That one I'll be happy to get a C on...I'm burned out. Jen did help me out a great deal when I couldn't figure something out in Excel to save my life and she comes over and is all like...oh just do it this way...wow, wish I would have just asked you like an hour ago so I wouldnt have spent so much time trying to figure shit out.
Sunday, was another three and half hours spent doing the rest of my homework that was due by midnight. Then I weeded the flowerbed (a project I had hoped to complete a week earlier)--it was actually refreshing. I borrowed some gloves from mom so I didnt have to worry so much about touching spiders directly...no snakes, THANK GOD, and only one gigantic spider (like the one that tried to eat me that day, Don't touch me) so, the mums are now planted. Yay.
A trip to moms to find Mandi had drank half a bottle of Castor Oil in an attempt to induce labor...weird. Grandma put me over the edge, but I was still polite. I feel like i haven't had a single day off despite it being the weekend. I just have to make it through this last week of Finals and I'm done...then I can sleep and sleep and sleep....dammit...i was going to go to bed early...i'm exhausted. It's 11:30 already, still have to walk the dog and then get up at 5:30 FUCK ME.
I had rearranged her room to unblock the chi and to see her reaction honestly (she loved it, though it's not completely organized yet because I didn't want to dig through all her shit...she'll need to know where everything is.)
A few other things were up my sleeve as well....You see I had arranged for my mom to watch Pepper so that Gma would fret and piss my mom off by calling her with some made up story about Pepper getting into something she shouldn't or whatever...I took Pepper to mom's house on Wednesday night. I packed my bag, put it in the trumk. After work Thursday I headed to Jens, according to plan. I did all my "good deeds" while she was at work and when she got home, she was expecting me to go--but I didn't. I stayed at her place for the first time in MONTHS...I'd stay more but her roommate won't allow pets and I can't leave Pepper for that long. I was so stealthy in my mind...I even blogged prior to talking about how I'd be unable to stay.
It was a nice surprise I'd say and I always sleep so good in her bed next to her. Three great things...A beautiful woman, a mattress constructed from sheer ecstasy, and being relaxed after some dirty kinky fun (funny how i say that even with it's the more soft sensual sex stuff, ha)...
I got up on Friday earlier than planned because lil man came in the bedroom and was like, Tommy Tommy, Wanna see my bus...he was stoked so I couldn't refuse. I had a bowl of Trix while I waited...had my retinas burned out when I opened the door to see him get on the bus...I got a kick out of the fact that he needed to poop two seconds before the bus got there. He was quick and I got ass wiping duty while Jen waited at the door in case the bus got there before he was done....pants up and out the door just in time...I couldn't help but laugh.
Off I went to work on my paper. I'm proud to announce that after 14 hours of work I completed my pseudo-masterpiece: The GLBT Workplace: Discrimination, Domestic Partnership Benefits, and Diversity Awareness on the Job was complete. There were a few hours spent taking a break and stretching my ass which had become quite tired of sitting. Saturday brought another 14 hour paper writing spree. This time a business plan for my fake business called Different Strokes, Inc.--a Diversity Awareness Consulting Firm...
That one I'll be happy to get a C on...I'm burned out. Jen did help me out a great deal when I couldn't figure something out in Excel to save my life and she comes over and is all like...oh just do it this way...wow, wish I would have just asked you like an hour ago so I wouldnt have spent so much time trying to figure shit out.
Sunday, was another three and half hours spent doing the rest of my homework that was due by midnight. Then I weeded the flowerbed (a project I had hoped to complete a week earlier)--it was actually refreshing. I borrowed some gloves from mom so I didnt have to worry so much about touching spiders directly...no snakes, THANK GOD, and only one gigantic spider (like the one that tried to eat me that day, Don't touch me) so, the mums are now planted. Yay.
A trip to moms to find Mandi had drank half a bottle of Castor Oil in an attempt to induce labor...weird. Grandma put me over the edge, but I was still polite. I feel like i haven't had a single day off despite it being the weekend. I just have to make it through this last week of Finals and I'm done...then I can sleep and sleep and sleep....dammit...i was going to go to bed early...i'm exhausted. It's 11:30 already, still have to walk the dog and then get up at 5:30 FUCK ME.
Saturday, August 8, 2009
Midterm Mayhem
And my boobs itch...I just finished both of the midterms that I had left. Yay. Downside, when I clicked the button to submit one of them I got an error message that said that there was an error in submitting my exam--WTF. I'm on hold now with technical support in hopes that my exam did actually get turned in and isn't just floating around in cyberspace somewhere.
I went thrift store shopping after work. I didn't find anything, but I found Jen two brand new dress shirts for work...a couple of brand new shirts for grandma, a couple of baby outfits for my soon to be here niece, a cut off type shirt for lil man that's red and says GAP in camo letters, lol...nothing for me.
Then off to the shoe store, I was thinking of splurging and finally getting those Sperry Topsiders I've been wanting but opted against it...they aren't great enough to justify that expense. I bought my sister a pair of adidas sandals because they are the only shoes her fat baby oven feet would fit into...she couldnt afford them right now so I treated her for now. I did find a pair of Nike sneaks for 22 bucks so that was exciting and its time to have new ones for work...the ones i"ve been wearing are too flat and kill my heel daily...
Then Mandi and I met up with Mom, Dad, Aunt Melissa and Uncle John for a birthday dinner for Dad...MEXICAN...yay...The highlight of my evening is when my mom had a brain fart and asked the server to sing happy birthday to Dad in Mexican...OMG...REALLY MOM...talk about unintentional racial slurs, lol. I learned a long time ago from working in warehouse to not assume anyone is mexican...I worked with Hispanics from all over--Guatemala, Mexico, etc etc but you don't call someone from Guatemala a mexican...they get pissed...but I digressed....I corrected mom and she was all like oh yeah...
Then off to walmart....Jeffrey's girlfriends daughter (Satan herself) has a birthday party tomorrow and if by some off chance I decided to be nice and take lil man to attend it, I needed to have a present for the ungrateful little brat...I spent all of five bucks on her...if she had manners and actually appreciated shit then I'd spend more...but for now it's pointless.
Finally home, laundry in...shower...checked on Grandma...she got to bed by herself tonight for the first time in a long time...and then midterms....only to get an error message
I got a ticket number from technical support...it turns out the professor (who's a cunt bag anyway) didnt mark the right box on forgot to do something on her end so the midterm I just did isn't set up to even be graded. So I emailed her and told her what was up, gave her the ticket number and told her to call tech support if she had questions...I'm not feeling good about this right now considering that it took me emailing her to let her know she hadnt even posted the midterm for us to do this week...WTF...she finally put it up on Wednesday...we are supposed to have a full week to complete it...but oh well.
Its almost three in the am...need to head to bed...Good night all.
I went thrift store shopping after work. I didn't find anything, but I found Jen two brand new dress shirts for work...a couple of brand new shirts for grandma, a couple of baby outfits for my soon to be here niece, a cut off type shirt for lil man that's red and says GAP in camo letters, lol...nothing for me.
Then off to the shoe store, I was thinking of splurging and finally getting those Sperry Topsiders I've been wanting but opted against it...they aren't great enough to justify that expense. I bought my sister a pair of adidas sandals because they are the only shoes her fat baby oven feet would fit into...she couldnt afford them right now so I treated her for now. I did find a pair of Nike sneaks for 22 bucks so that was exciting and its time to have new ones for work...the ones i"ve been wearing are too flat and kill my heel daily...
Then Mandi and I met up with Mom, Dad, Aunt Melissa and Uncle John for a birthday dinner for Dad...MEXICAN...yay...The highlight of my evening is when my mom had a brain fart and asked the server to sing happy birthday to Dad in Mexican...OMG...REALLY MOM...talk about unintentional racial slurs, lol. I learned a long time ago from working in warehouse to not assume anyone is mexican...I worked with Hispanics from all over--Guatemala, Mexico, etc etc but you don't call someone from Guatemala a mexican...they get pissed...but I digressed....I corrected mom and she was all like oh yeah...
Then off to walmart....Jeffrey's girlfriends daughter (Satan herself) has a birthday party tomorrow and if by some off chance I decided to be nice and take lil man to attend it, I needed to have a present for the ungrateful little brat...I spent all of five bucks on her...if she had manners and actually appreciated shit then I'd spend more...but for now it's pointless.
Finally home, laundry in...shower...checked on Grandma...she got to bed by herself tonight for the first time in a long time...and then midterms....only to get an error message
I got a ticket number from technical support...it turns out the professor (who's a cunt bag anyway) didnt mark the right box on forgot to do something on her end so the midterm I just did isn't set up to even be graded. So I emailed her and told her what was up, gave her the ticket number and told her to call tech support if she had questions...I'm not feeling good about this right now considering that it took me emailing her to let her know she hadnt even posted the midterm for us to do this week...WTF...she finally put it up on Wednesday...we are supposed to have a full week to complete it...but oh well.
Its almost three in the am...need to head to bed...Good night all.
Friday, July 24, 2009
Limbo
I went this morning to my normal 8:45 meeting and was yet again reminded of how easily I am excluded from things at work. I've mentioned before that I'm in limbo with work. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy what I do for the most part and what have you, but don't necessarily fit in with a particular category.
At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.
The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.
The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.
At the 8:45 meeting I was just asked to leave (granted it was done nicely, in a way that suggested it was my idea when the GM looked at me and said...Tommy,You don't have to be here for this meeting.) Translation, please leave we have business to discuss that you don't need to to be privy to. This happens from time to time because I work as the On-site supervisor for a staffing company that supplies labor to the distribution center...the 8:45 meeting is a distribution center thing and normally I'm included, today however was on the out skirts of my "need to know" classification...as in, I DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW.
The other part of my limbo issues include the fact that while I work as a supervisor for the staffing company, I'm doing it as a contractor. What this means is that things/functions that occur for the internal employees, I'm excluded. Most of the time I don't lose sleep over it, but it's a slap in the face when the entire office goes on an outing to Busch Gardens for the day (company paid) and they ask you to come and answer the phones rather than ask if you want to go. Same thing with Christmas parties and stuff like that.
The limbo continues...blah. I've just got a little while longer to finish my degree and then decide where to go from there....for now...the limbo is tolerable so I'll keep it moving.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
Call of the wild
I came home from work today and felt fairly decent. My boss had come to drop off the checks from the main office and I had a talk with her. She vented about things that were weighing on her...apologized and said, you know I don't know why I'm talking about all this right now...I'm like it's all good you needed to get it off your chest.
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
I told her I needed to "care" front her (it's my company's version of a confrontation, only in the gayest form imaginable.) So I mockingly tell her, "I need to CAREfront you." She openly says okay and braces herself. I tell her that since she moved to the main office she's started only speaking in company jargon. I told her that it kind of bothered me that I used to be able to vent to her my work concerns, get feedback and move on...lately it's been I vent my concerns and ask questions and get the cold, company issued jargon...not her mentoring, or her insight which I preferred.
She told me she appreciated me coming to her with this and admitted to self checking herself on the same topic...she didn't realize how much she used the company "buzz words"... we finished the talk, laughed, and moved on. Very cool--she told me a great deal that was going with her and I did the same. It's cool that I can talk to my boss. It's cool that she too is super gay (she has one of the best relationships I've ever been witness to and is always talking about how awesome her girlfriend is)...she's kind of my mentor in a lot of areas in general. I've learned a lot from her in the last almost year. But I digress.
I get home and go upstairs to snag a quick nap before my brothers birthday dinner. My sister wakes me up with a "surprise"...she was excited about what she and mom had found for me as a motivational gift, lol. I open it to find a lil purple hippo (I love hippos) holding a sign that says, "It's hard to be optimistic when even your "fat" pants are tight." LOL. This made me laugh. I thanked her and shut my eyes and tried the nap thing again. I woke up way later than intended. I thought everyone was going to be downstairs about 5:30 to eat dinner....It's almost 7:30 and no noise downstairs. Well dinner was canceled because my bro got called into work....mom and dad had gone off for some meeting....it was just me and grandma. I went and picked up dinner and ate with her....then back upstairs to work on homework.
Finished homework for the evening feeling confident of my contribution to the group project...back downstairs I go. Mom and dad are back. I go out on the deck to talk to mom, she needed to vent because grandma is stressing her out. I go inside and help grandma to bed (which I had told her I'd do prior to me knowing that mom was on the verge of smothering grandma in her sleep). With grandma in bed...back up the stairs for some me time.
I have a little bit extra time tonight since I snuck a nap earlier. I remember that my Netflix movies came in...Yay. What surprises are in stock for me this time? Last Chance Harvey....nah...Transporter 3....nah, not tonight....Girl Play OH YEAH....I put it in and realize that I've seen it before but I LOVE IT. It's a movie from 2004 that stars Dom DeLuise, Lacie Harmon, and Robin Greenspan and is just good stuff. I love Netflix because of their large Gay and Lesbian selection.
Some of my all time favorites from this genre include: Girl Play, Tipping the Velvet, Better than Chocolate, among many many others. Oh and Latter Days...for sure.
Anyway...things will start working out in whatever way they are meant to. One thing that I was able to voice to my boss today was something that she too was experiencing. It's where the smallest things are setting her/me off for no reason because we have so much stuff on our minds that we lash out over dumb shit. Wow, yeah I can relate.
But that's not the whole issue. Just because I'm stressed, tired, or whatever, doesn't meant that the things that I'm venting, or sharing, or lashing out about are because I am (insert adjective here)... I'm fed the fuck up with a lot of things and I'm tired of it being my fault when I do finally say them. I dunno, I'm sure that's grounds for another blog.
For now...I'm still angry, filled with angst, worried, overwhelmed, tired, fed the fuck up, irritated, empty, and just not ready to hash shit out or give a damn about much of anything. Most of all I don't want to spend the time I have trying to analyze and seek to understand, be accused of being the issue or even part of the problem, I'm not ready for that. I want to just not even acknowledge a lot of shit right now. I want things to be about me and how I feel as an individual. I want to really be heard. People listen, but am I actually heard.
I want to go out back and just yell into the darkness. I want to make the ears of all wilderness perk up and tilt their little heads. I want to be heard, but I'll be damn if I'm really ready to talk. Nope...definitely not ready.
Tired of it all...and still just not giving a shit right now.
A line from this movie just hit close to home. You see, people see forever in different terms. For me (like in the movie) "I can see forever,....minute by minute." I'm not the type of person that sees forever in the same way as the next person, it doesn't mean that I don't look into the future. It doesn't make me a bad person for looking at the future day to day, minute by minute, or even month to month. My way isn't necessarily the wrong way. Yep,, love this movie, give it four stars, two thumbs up and recommend it....
Wednesday, July 22, 2009
the hurt that lingers
I considered for a moment to give up blogging. It was last night and she had said the most hateful thing to me. It was something that wouldn't have phased most people, but for me cut deep.
"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"
I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.
I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.
My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.
There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.
I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.
A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.
At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.
I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.
My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.
I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.
I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).
I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.
Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.
I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.
When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.
The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.
We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....
It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.
I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.
My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.
"Are you going to talk to me Tommy, or am I just going to read about it later in your blog?"
I froze. Are you fucking kidding me I thought...is this seriously happening. What happened between the last bit of ridiculousness to now that led to this. We had made up, supposedly figured shit out, both sides in agreement....yet a few short days later here we were again.
I knew I wouldn't see her this week and she had left her makeup bag and nasal spray at my house...rather than have her come out and get it or go without I figured I'd invite her to dinner. My sister is pregnant and had a coupon and would have smothered me in my sleep if I hadn't invited her, I had a coupon for a free sub and it was kid's night at Firehouse so pretty much everyone would win. Hell it's no candlelight but I figured time with her would be fabulous in any situation.
My sister and I get there, she and lil man got there a few minutes after. Lil man walked in the door looking tired, not well, and mad at the world. You could tell he didn't want to be there period. Five year olds don't have much of a poker face. She looked drained, not well, and out of sorts herself. He didn't want anything to eat, so I got her sub ordered as well as mine and my sisters....we sat at the table together.
There was an awkward silence and little conversation. What conversation did occur it seemed I had to drag out of her. My sister didn't say much either, focusing more on the bag of chips she had polished off to appease the hungry baby (we now call little chunk) inside of her. Midway to the end of dinner she admits to having things on her mind...nothing she can talk about of course between my sister and lil man sitting there. Okay--I didn't push the issue.
I give her a hug and a kiss goodbye and head with my sister over to walmart to pick up a few things. In the car on the way over I comment to my sister...."why did that suck the life out of me." No response.
A few texts thanking me for dinner and to let me know she had made it home safely--I continued shopping. On the way home she text me saying that lil man was finally falling asleep and that she could talk now. I told her I was in the car with my sister still but she could call me if she wanted to. She opted to wait until I was home and didn't have an audience.
At home I text her that I was there and she could call me when she was ready, which she did. I as always wasn't in the mood to be on the phone because a. I hate talking on the phone and b. wanted to be in bed by 9 pm because of how tired I was and c. I needed to at least make sure I wasn't going to miss any deadlines or overlook something in my group project so i was distracted to say the least.
I've never claimed to be the easiest person to get along with but I sort of shut down last night. She did all the talking and got more and more irritated as I didn't say anything. I made her cry a little bit and the sad thing is at the moment I didn't even care. I became this stoic, I don't give a shit, you can say anything you want and I'm not going to give a shit person because all I could think about is how she spends so much time saying she is (fill in the blank) and then turns around and doesn't do anything to show it.
My whole thing is, just saying you are patient doesn't make you patient, you have to actually be patient. Just saying that understand and agree with what we just talked about a few days ago and a few days prior to that doesn't mean that you understand it. As a matter of fact there is a whole different message that comes across when you say something and then do the complete opposite. It's frustrating.
I had been in the sunroom when this conversation began and finally I couldn't take it anymore. I went outside, it was already dark but I needed to ensure that no one was in ear shot of my conversation (mainly grandma because she's nosey and has a big damn mouth). I walk out, the crickets chirping, the bullfrogs croaking, the mosquitos starving and I fucking snapped.
I told her I couldn't do this shit anymore. I didn't have the time and energy to invest in this anymore. I reminded her that school and family are always going to come first (which yes is an awful thing to say) but is really what my focus is right now and she had agreed and said she was fine with that many times. Then she gets all needy and over the top if all of my attention isn't on her (for a lack of better words).
I'm tired of hearing about how I treat her like shit and she deserves better...if that's the case GO FUCKING GET IT. I'm too close to being done with school, too stressed out by family shit and the uncertainties of my life in general to even care at that point. I tell her that I'm done. I fucking refuse to keep doing this.
Funny. I say those words and all of a sudden, I don't treat her like shit and its not my fault after all, but she apologizes for whatever and puts the blame on her. I'm so fucking confused right now its ridiculous. She wants me to give her the opportunity to fix the situation, to allow her to show me that she can do it....UM...pretty sure the last seven times we've had this discussion chances have been given.
I'm heated by this point and make it a point to note that when I say I don't have the time or energy for this that it is now after 9:30, I haven't turned on the computer to do any homework and I'm going to end up staying up til midnight if I do, hell--If i don't then I'm going to be up until after midnight worrying about what deadlines I missed and what have you. Fuck me. I'm so through right now. An hour and a fucking half spent on the phone trying to get my point across and her trying to do the same...no progress.
When she said to me," Tommy are you going to talk to me, or am I going to read a blog about it later." I fucking lost it. She was like well you didn't talk to me last night...I had to read how you were doing on your blog. I thought you were going to work on communication. Oh my fucking god...I'm livid. I told her that in situations like that it's quicker to write a blog and to be open and honest to just get it out than to call and be on the phone for hours, sucking the life out of her and staying up even later....the way I was feeling wasn't going to be resolved either way. I was like, oh my god, fine you know what I'll stop blogging, then you won't have to worry about reading any of them or even being mentioned...who fucking cares.
The conversation ended last night with no resolve in my mind. Our conversations are just so not productive these days. It's happening all over again in this relationship and I'm the only constant variable. It must be my fault. Apparently I have too much going on in my life to be in a lesbian relationship. I put emphasis on Lesbian because its difficult being with a woman because of the whole FEMALE tendencies. At least with a guy you give them some from time to time and they are content doing whatever the fuck they want and letting you be....with girls theres more involved--it's clingy in some cases and draining. Don't get me wrong, I'm not trying to be with a guy but I'm just frustrated with the concept of women right now. Sometimes I just want to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, not have to share if i don't want to and never communicate. Because it's never when I'm ready, it's always when the other person thinks I should be ready and when they think I should talk...NO FUCK THAT.
We didn't break up last night. I couldn't tell if I was feeling that way because I was frustrated, stressed and tired or because I'm really just fucking done. I figured I needed to let it marinate before jumping the gun. I got random texts from her today while I was at work. All cheery and wishing me a good day, telling me she loved me, asking me to not stop blogging, etc....
It's frustrating because sometimes it feels like when things aren't going well with us she adds lil man to the equation. I can love her all day long, I can love him all day long, but I refuse to think that this relationship can survive solely by using him as the glue. Yes I know he loves me and I love him but that doesn't mean that I can keep going the way things are. I can love her, the concept of her...I mean we both agree that when things are good they are good and when they are bad they are BAD....but it doesn't mean that i'm going to tolerate shit like this forever.
I made it clear last night that I'm not playing this game anymore. I don't have it in me. She feels that moment like we had last night will eventually make us stronger...I don't agree. I'm not the type of person that can continue to do this. It's too fuckign draining and I'm just not in the mood nor do I have the energy to try to work at it or comprehend any of it. I'm fucking frustrated and just don't give a shit anymore.
My name is tommy and I DON'T FUCKING CARE. I'm fucking fed the fuck up.
Thursday, July 16, 2009
Gummy Bears
Let me start by saying that the title of this blog has absofuckinglutely nothing to do with the actual blog...DON'T JUDGE ME. lol. I survived work today so that's a plus I suppose. My boss came down to bring the paychecks and I had a couple of questions for her. Her response sort of bothered me because I'm not sure if it was my delivery or if she just thinks I'm the overreacting type in general because she told me not to crisis manage, but just manage it. I had to stop and be like what part of what i just said indicated that I thought this was a crisis. I dunno.
I like how laid back she is and the fact that she too is a lesbo...but sometimes it's frustrating because I don't always know if I'm doing a good job. Sometimes you just want that reassurance that says hey Tommy you are really doing great or hey Tommy, you should work on (fill in the blank)...That's not to say that me still having a job isn't technically enough to indicate I'm doing okay, I'll be there a year in August, but sometimes it's frustrating is all. Monday and Tuesday is my Train the Trainer course where I'll be certified to train folks on equipment...yeah...stoked.
In talking to Jen today I realized something. Well first of all the chick that watches her kid is a fucking greedy bitch. I asked her what she was doing with lil man while she was at work (Jen and lil man made it back from Colorado yesterday, a day late because their flight was cancelled--but they'd already stopped by last night at lil man's request of course because i'm his lego playing buddy, ha)...she told me she was taking him to "the bitches" (my words, not hers) house (she might be a lovely girl, but everytime I've had to deal with her and even the time I tried to have a beer with Jen and this girl and some other folks I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with a butter knife...but I digress) tonight, tomorrow, and on Saturday while she worked because the sitter isn't available until Monday and then he'll start going their again during the week.
The kicker is that this person charges Jen like 30 bucks a pop. RIDICULOUS. It was going to cost her 90 dollars for three days (not even long days) with this girl, plus 75 for the week at the sitter...she told me she didn't want to ask me because she knew I had homework, but I volunteered. I had her bring him to me at work and I watched him this evening....kept him amused, fed him, put him in the shower, read to him, watched more Spongebob than any adult should ever be subjected to, and put him to bed (Gold star for me, lol--kidding) In the midst of all that I attempted to do homework and really almost screamed when I spent an hour and half on one response and the webpage timed out causing my answer to be lost and forcing me to start from scratch. But alas, homework for one class done. Tomorrow I'm going to have to do at least one because the deadline is like 11 in the evening...but anyway...
I'm going to have lil man tomorrow night, as well as saturday, and then Sunday, if the weather holds up and I'm still alive I think the zoo is in our future--along with Jen who will be off of work. (She got hit by one of her employees tonight at work, so I'm sure their will be a blog about that soon--freakin' ghetto fabulous dykes are out of control sometimes...apparently there was someone cheating on someone and yeah I dunno...) Luckily Jen is okay.
I just have to make it through work tomorrow and everything will be just fine...I'm stalling right now because Jen probably won't get off for another thirty minutes and I'm scared that if I'm asleep that she won't try and wake me up for some good ol fashioned lesbian lovin' lol. Hell, I'll be tired and drag ass tomorrow, I don't care...I need to make that dream I had earlier a reality...
While in Colorado Jens mom took her perfume. She usually wears Hugo woman, but her mom liked it...so today when I hugged her before she left for work (after dropping off lil man) I noticed a new smell. It was Gucci something (sounded expensive but smelled decent...I'm not sure yet if it's a fave of mine or not yet...but time will tell) The real test is how it will smell mixed with her work smells...lol...she manages a movie theatre you see...so you never know how you feel about a perfume until your girl gets home and puts her arms around you and the perfume is faint, overpowered by the smell of buttered popcorn...ugh...lol...but sometimes your in the mood for a buttery salty snack...
That reminds me I need a new perfume. I dropped my favorite one and it doesnt spray right anymore...Victoria Secret's Dream Angels Divine....I also wear Ralph Lauren Romance and Guess Silver... I kind of want to stick with Divine but add something new...I've been on a weird kick lately and am using Crew hair gel, the guy stuff that smells awesome and men's deodorant (just because it works better than the girlie shit...)...hell maybe I'll start wearing cologne...yeah probably not but I'm not limiting myself on this one.
Okay...shower, hopefully sex, sleep, repeat tomorrow...
I like how laid back she is and the fact that she too is a lesbo...but sometimes it's frustrating because I don't always know if I'm doing a good job. Sometimes you just want that reassurance that says hey Tommy you are really doing great or hey Tommy, you should work on (fill in the blank)...That's not to say that me still having a job isn't technically enough to indicate I'm doing okay, I'll be there a year in August, but sometimes it's frustrating is all. Monday and Tuesday is my Train the Trainer course where I'll be certified to train folks on equipment...yeah...stoked.
In talking to Jen today I realized something. Well first of all the chick that watches her kid is a fucking greedy bitch. I asked her what she was doing with lil man while she was at work (Jen and lil man made it back from Colorado yesterday, a day late because their flight was cancelled--but they'd already stopped by last night at lil man's request of course because i'm his lego playing buddy, ha)...she told me she was taking him to "the bitches" (my words, not hers) house (she might be a lovely girl, but everytime I've had to deal with her and even the time I tried to have a beer with Jen and this girl and some other folks I wanted to gouge her eyeballs out with a butter knife...but I digress) tonight, tomorrow, and on Saturday while she worked because the sitter isn't available until Monday and then he'll start going their again during the week.
The kicker is that this person charges Jen like 30 bucks a pop. RIDICULOUS. It was going to cost her 90 dollars for three days (not even long days) with this girl, plus 75 for the week at the sitter...she told me she didn't want to ask me because she knew I had homework, but I volunteered. I had her bring him to me at work and I watched him this evening....kept him amused, fed him, put him in the shower, read to him, watched more Spongebob than any adult should ever be subjected to, and put him to bed (Gold star for me, lol--kidding) In the midst of all that I attempted to do homework and really almost screamed when I spent an hour and half on one response and the webpage timed out causing my answer to be lost and forcing me to start from scratch. But alas, homework for one class done. Tomorrow I'm going to have to do at least one because the deadline is like 11 in the evening...but anyway...
I'm going to have lil man tomorrow night, as well as saturday, and then Sunday, if the weather holds up and I'm still alive I think the zoo is in our future--along with Jen who will be off of work. (She got hit by one of her employees tonight at work, so I'm sure their will be a blog about that soon--freakin' ghetto fabulous dykes are out of control sometimes...apparently there was someone cheating on someone and yeah I dunno...) Luckily Jen is okay.
I just have to make it through work tomorrow and everything will be just fine...I'm stalling right now because Jen probably won't get off for another thirty minutes and I'm scared that if I'm asleep that she won't try and wake me up for some good ol fashioned lesbian lovin' lol. Hell, I'll be tired and drag ass tomorrow, I don't care...I need to make that dream I had earlier a reality...
While in Colorado Jens mom took her perfume. She usually wears Hugo woman, but her mom liked it...so today when I hugged her before she left for work (after dropping off lil man) I noticed a new smell. It was Gucci something (sounded expensive but smelled decent...I'm not sure yet if it's a fave of mine or not yet...but time will tell) The real test is how it will smell mixed with her work smells...lol...she manages a movie theatre you see...so you never know how you feel about a perfume until your girl gets home and puts her arms around you and the perfume is faint, overpowered by the smell of buttered popcorn...ugh...lol...but sometimes your in the mood for a buttery salty snack...
That reminds me I need a new perfume. I dropped my favorite one and it doesnt spray right anymore...Victoria Secret's Dream Angels Divine....I also wear Ralph Lauren Romance and Guess Silver... I kind of want to stick with Divine but add something new...I've been on a weird kick lately and am using Crew hair gel, the guy stuff that smells awesome and men's deodorant (just because it works better than the girlie shit...)...hell maybe I'll start wearing cologne...yeah probably not but I'm not limiting myself on this one.
Okay...shower, hopefully sex, sleep, repeat tomorrow...
Monday, July 6, 2009
While you were out...
I've done it...28 days with no soda. (For the sake of a nice even number I'm going to simply say I've accomplished this goal and maintained for an entire month.) This is exciting to me.
Last week also marked my first full six day Hip Hop Ab work out regimen (just the exercise portion, not so much my diet)...Sunday was the day for rest/recovery and I was thankful for it to say the least...but I've gotta keep going. It's going to take time, since the proverbial small print points out that the six pack abs don't actually come with the DVDs--you have to actually work at it...a bummer, but nonetheless.
I start my last three classes today to finish my bachelor's degree. Yep...11 weeks from today I'm done...with graduation to follow sometime in October. Downside--student loan payments will be expected then....and I'll slowly have to start chiseling my way at over fifty grand in student loans I've accumulated in the last ten years of trying to make this happen, ick.
The senior seminar course I'm required to take may be the death of me--in reviewing the syllabus I realized that there is going to be a twenty page paper due at the end of the course. Ugh, are you kidding me. I love to write blogs...not actual papers...come on now. My other two classes want ten pages papers so yep...forty typed pages by APA standards over the course of the next 11 weeks...all which are a substantial portion of my grade. Perhaps this quarter, with it being my last few classes will inspire me to do things differently (like NOT procrastinate for instance)... I guess time will tell.
I need a nap. I want to curl up in the down comforter and just sleep the day away....oh how fabulous that would be. Blah...not today I'm afraid.
Last week also marked my first full six day Hip Hop Ab work out regimen (just the exercise portion, not so much my diet)...Sunday was the day for rest/recovery and I was thankful for it to say the least...but I've gotta keep going. It's going to take time, since the proverbial small print points out that the six pack abs don't actually come with the DVDs--you have to actually work at it...a bummer, but nonetheless.
I start my last three classes today to finish my bachelor's degree. Yep...11 weeks from today I'm done...with graduation to follow sometime in October. Downside--student loan payments will be expected then....and I'll slowly have to start chiseling my way at over fifty grand in student loans I've accumulated in the last ten years of trying to make this happen, ick.
The senior seminar course I'm required to take may be the death of me--in reviewing the syllabus I realized that there is going to be a twenty page paper due at the end of the course. Ugh, are you kidding me. I love to write blogs...not actual papers...come on now. My other two classes want ten pages papers so yep...forty typed pages by APA standards over the course of the next 11 weeks...all which are a substantial portion of my grade. Perhaps this quarter, with it being my last few classes will inspire me to do things differently (like NOT procrastinate for instance)... I guess time will tell.
I need a nap. I want to curl up in the down comforter and just sleep the day away....oh how fabulous that would be. Blah...not today I'm afraid.
Tuesday, June 23, 2009
Alpha Sigma Lambda
So I went to see Gma this afternoon and show her the letter that I got telling me about being eligible for the National Honor Society. She was so excited and was like, hell yeah...when is graduation she asked..."October," I replied...she was even more stoked then knowing she'd be up and walking by then...
She looked at me with her big Gma grin and said I'm proud of you. I couldnt help but smile and be proud of myself too. I mean shit, this degree (my bachelor's in BIZNAZ management) has been ten years in the making...So exciting.
I was walking to the car and I remember thinking to myself, Grandpa would be so proud of me if he was alive....(my eyes watered up). It's hard to believe that he's been gone for four and a half years and thinking about him still makes me miss him and get a little sad knowing he isnt here.
Sidebar: I started doing research online looking into MBA programs...i got tired just skimming through the shit...there's a lot of work that goes into getting your Masters and even more just getting accepted into a program...ugh...guess I need to figure out what my next step is.
She looked at me with her big Gma grin and said I'm proud of you. I couldnt help but smile and be proud of myself too. I mean shit, this degree (my bachelor's in BIZNAZ management) has been ten years in the making...So exciting.
I was walking to the car and I remember thinking to myself, Grandpa would be so proud of me if he was alive....(my eyes watered up). It's hard to believe that he's been gone for four and a half years and thinking about him still makes me miss him and get a little sad knowing he isnt here.
Sidebar: I started doing research online looking into MBA programs...i got tired just skimming through the shit...there's a lot of work that goes into getting your Masters and even more just getting accepted into a program...ugh...guess I need to figure out what my next step is.
It's official--I'm a nerd
So it became official yesterday when I pulled up to the mailbox to grab the mail and began opening it on my way down the lane--looking up intermittenly to avoid running over a squirrel or rabbit, or a donkey, goat, or horse that may have escaped from their pen...
I got to a letter that was from my school--opening it, wishing it was a refund check for tuition or something, knowing damn good and well it wasn't...though the contents were a lovely surprise.
It was a letter informing me that I am eligible to wear a special cord on Graduation Day (my last three classes run from July 6 to Sept 29, with granduation sometime in October)--exciting. Apparently, Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society is inviting me to become a member because of my academic acheivements (the requirement is a minimum of a 3.2 average).
I was pretty stoked. This whole time I've been getting more and more burned out and just ready to be done with this shit....and I hadn't really given a second thought to walking in the commencement service....NOW however I'm kind of stoked by the concept...
Yes folks, My name is Tommy and I'm a documented NERD :)
I got to a letter that was from my school--opening it, wishing it was a refund check for tuition or something, knowing damn good and well it wasn't...though the contents were a lovely surprise.
It was a letter informing me that I am eligible to wear a special cord on Graduation Day (my last three classes run from July 6 to Sept 29, with granduation sometime in October)--exciting. Apparently, Alpha Sigma Lambda National Honor Society is inviting me to become a member because of my academic acheivements (the requirement is a minimum of a 3.2 average).
I was pretty stoked. This whole time I've been getting more and more burned out and just ready to be done with this shit....and I hadn't really given a second thought to walking in the commencement service....NOW however I'm kind of stoked by the concept...
Yes folks, My name is Tommy and I'm a documented NERD :)
Monday, June 1, 2009
Things are looking up
So things are finally starting to look up for me. YAY.
I'm almost done with this quarter of classes...then three new ones from July to September and then I'm done....drum roll please...bachelor's here I come.
I now qualify for holiday pay at my job (I've been here over 9 months) but you have to hit 1500 hours to qualify.
My hours, effective today are now normal hours....so instead of the 7:30 to 12 that I've been working since April 7th and struggling to pay my bills (because I make too little to pay all my bills but too much for partial unemployment to help) I now work from 7 to 4 YAY!
I had new starts today which marks the very slow ramp up process to prepare for peak season in the warehouse. When I started this job I had 97 contractors at our heaviest point...as of this week I have 33...
My awesome boss totally went to bat for me (as our boss put it) and asked for me to get a raise since I'm doing such a wonderful job....granted it wasn't much because of the cuts that have been made but it was enough to make me smile.
Stuff in general just rocks right now. That's a great great thing.
I'm almost done with this quarter of classes...then three new ones from July to September and then I'm done....drum roll please...bachelor's here I come.
I now qualify for holiday pay at my job (I've been here over 9 months) but you have to hit 1500 hours to qualify.
My hours, effective today are now normal hours....so instead of the 7:30 to 12 that I've been working since April 7th and struggling to pay my bills (because I make too little to pay all my bills but too much for partial unemployment to help) I now work from 7 to 4 YAY!
I had new starts today which marks the very slow ramp up process to prepare for peak season in the warehouse. When I started this job I had 97 contractors at our heaviest point...as of this week I have 33...
My awesome boss totally went to bat for me (as our boss put it) and asked for me to get a raise since I'm doing such a wonderful job....granted it wasn't much because of the cuts that have been made but it was enough to make me smile.
Stuff in general just rocks right now. That's a great great thing.
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