So Jen and I were doing it last night...you know "it" (playing uno, NOT)...and I went to get resituated or switch positions when I hit my head on the night stand. Not just bumped it, but flat out plowed into the shit like some crazy roid rage type stuff and the night stand went into the wall.
Jen held in laughter until after she confirmed my well being and then the two of us spent about fifteen minutes just laughing our asses off, nearly peeing the bed replaying the situation in our heads. It doesn't make any sesne how I did it or what the hell was going on that led up to it, but the fact was there was just no way to play it off and look cool.
I love that I'm in love with a woman who loves me enough to laugh with me. That's huge. The good news is I woke up this morning and didn't die in my sleep from a concussion...how the hell did I hit my head like that.
That's the kind of shit that if it were to happen on a first date you'd never talk to the person again, you'd be mortified...I mean it ranks right up there with farting in the middle of a seriously intense sexcapade...then there is real life...committed...monagamous relationships, regardless of whether they are few months old or 78 years in the making where those instances just make everything make sense...
They all have a way of decrypting shit in general--those moments that make you smile, laugh, shake your head and keep going.
After recovering from my head injury we had carried on to our deviant antics when Pepper jumps up on the bed, lets out a Chubaka like grown and plops her big furry ass right smack in the middle of "lesbians gone wild"... a literal sexual faux "Paw"
Oh yeah babe is that the spot? Well babe I dunno I'm too distracted by the fact that your dog is resting her head on my leg... I really freaked out when the two tongues that were supposed to be in action were and a third comes out of no where on the bottom of my foot... Fucking a.. it's the dog.
Sunday, July 5, 2009
Yep...she's back
So I have already reported and shared the fact that grandma is home but it didn't dawn on me dawn on me until yesterday--4th of July that she is really back (in EVERY sense of the word). I had forgotten how random she can be from time to time but was reminded during A Capital Fourth on PBS last night (I stayed with her while the rest of the fam went to see fireworks.)
Aretha Franklin was singing the National Anthem where grandma out of no where says the most inappropriate shit I've ever heard...she looks at me and says..."I'll never understand why they have to always niggerize it like that." OKAY WHOA LADY...you were only gone a couple of months, did you forget what decade this is? I've never heard such racial shit come out of her mouth.
There was this time that she made a comment about immigrants or some shit which turned into a rather heated discussion between the two of us...and she used to have issues about my "lifestyle" but since then has totally warmed up to the concept. She still for whatever reason responds to the "Grandma we need to talk" as, "you're pregnant.." I just wanna shake her and be like really lady...WTF? She's forever trying to hook me up with any repairman, delivery man, and or Terminex man that comes to do anything at the house...but her most recent comment left me floored. I just wanna shake that lady sometimes.
Aretha Franklin was singing the National Anthem where grandma out of no where says the most inappropriate shit I've ever heard...she looks at me and says..."I'll never understand why they have to always niggerize it like that." OKAY WHOA LADY...you were only gone a couple of months, did you forget what decade this is? I've never heard such racial shit come out of her mouth.
There was this time that she made a comment about immigrants or some shit which turned into a rather heated discussion between the two of us...and she used to have issues about my "lifestyle" but since then has totally warmed up to the concept. She still for whatever reason responds to the "Grandma we need to talk" as, "you're pregnant.." I just wanna shake her and be like really lady...WTF? She's forever trying to hook me up with any repairman, delivery man, and or Terminex man that comes to do anything at the house...but her most recent comment left me floored. I just wanna shake that lady sometimes.
Small Town Charm
A great deal of my time is spent cussing the small town scene in which I live. Originally I'm from Fayetteville/Ft. Bragg, NC...lived there til the age of 4 officially (though I "summered there with family years afterward), stayed a year with my Gma (the one that I now live with and help out) while my parents house was being built in the middle of BFE (bum fucking egypt) aka the stixx--aka Zuni, VA...peanut country.
From Kindergarten to high school...away to college and back again--I always come back here. Grandma moved out here a couple years after we did, my aunt and uncle across the field...(tragic) I love the summers when corn is planted in the side field (Grandma lives on a farm but sharecrops the land)...because it means they aren't all up in my shit with their disapproving everything...but I digress.
The moral of the story is I always end up here in good 'ol Zuni. In town, which is still not recognizable by most (Windsor) is a small town pharmacy. Up the road is Suffolk, further out is Chesapeake and then about 45 minutes to an hour away is Virginia Beach (which is the city that most people recognize.) Since the closest Walgreens or Walmart is in Suffolk--most people opt for the small town quaintness of Windsor Pharmacy.
Two recent incidents come to mind. A couple of months ago Jen was sick and we had stopped at the pharmacy. I was up front looking at random stuff and Jen was in the back looking for something to help with her cough. I get to the back to see her at the counter talking with Bob the pharmacist. He stops talking midsentence and says, "Hey, Tommy how are you doing...how is grandma..." and so forth...Jen turns around like what the hell. I introduce her as my girlfriend--though it turns out that she had already dropped my name and he perked up like my family was some big to do in the town (which we aren't, it's just a small town, lol)...Jen called her mom in Colorado to tell her about the experience and how Bob the pharmacist was so nice and new me and so on...she thought it was very cool and I had to smile.
Friday I rode to the pharmacy to pick up Grandmas meds and there was Bob behind the counter...(hes like over eighty mind you) he greeted mom and I with the best of hellos and immediately asked how grandma was doing. After he went through the list and all ten of her prescriptions were accounted for Bob reached in his pocket and pulled out his card...his special cards, the ones that have his HOME phone number printed on them, handing one to mom he told her to give it to grandma and if she needed ANYTHING, no matter what time it was to give him a call and he'd take care of it.
That's what's up. The epitomy of small town charm... you can't get that just anywhere. Certainly not at a Walgreens or a walmart...but definitely in Peanut country at Windsor Pharmacy...that's the shit that makes me smile.
From Kindergarten to high school...away to college and back again--I always come back here. Grandma moved out here a couple years after we did, my aunt and uncle across the field...(tragic) I love the summers when corn is planted in the side field (Grandma lives on a farm but sharecrops the land)...because it means they aren't all up in my shit with their disapproving everything...but I digress.
The moral of the story is I always end up here in good 'ol Zuni. In town, which is still not recognizable by most (Windsor) is a small town pharmacy. Up the road is Suffolk, further out is Chesapeake and then about 45 minutes to an hour away is Virginia Beach (which is the city that most people recognize.) Since the closest Walgreens or Walmart is in Suffolk--most people opt for the small town quaintness of Windsor Pharmacy.
Two recent incidents come to mind. A couple of months ago Jen was sick and we had stopped at the pharmacy. I was up front looking at random stuff and Jen was in the back looking for something to help with her cough. I get to the back to see her at the counter talking with Bob the pharmacist. He stops talking midsentence and says, "Hey, Tommy how are you doing...how is grandma..." and so forth...Jen turns around like what the hell. I introduce her as my girlfriend--though it turns out that she had already dropped my name and he perked up like my family was some big to do in the town (which we aren't, it's just a small town, lol)...Jen called her mom in Colorado to tell her about the experience and how Bob the pharmacist was so nice and new me and so on...she thought it was very cool and I had to smile.
Friday I rode to the pharmacy to pick up Grandmas meds and there was Bob behind the counter...(hes like over eighty mind you) he greeted mom and I with the best of hellos and immediately asked how grandma was doing. After he went through the list and all ten of her prescriptions were accounted for Bob reached in his pocket and pulled out his card...his special cards, the ones that have his HOME phone number printed on them, handing one to mom he told her to give it to grandma and if she needed ANYTHING, no matter what time it was to give him a call and he'd take care of it.
That's what's up. The epitomy of small town charm... you can't get that just anywhere. Certainly not at a Walgreens or a walmart...but definitely in Peanut country at Windsor Pharmacy...that's the shit that makes me smile.
Saturday, July 4, 2009
Grandma's home
So Grandma came home Friday morning. No more quiet evenings at home and free range of the kitchen and fridge/freezers...no more just streaking around the house not giving a shit, and alas, no more tossing the laundry in and taking off the clothes I'm wearing so that every single piece of dirty clothing I have can be washed at the same time...
Don't get me wrong--I'm super glad that she's out of the nursing home and back to her own crib to finish recovering...she has a doctor's appointment on Monday and she'll know then how much longer she has to go without putting any weight on her leg.
She's come a long way. For the first few weeks after her fall she wasn't even able to get out of bed, they had her on oxygen and everything...now, she wheels herself around in the wheelchair--her bad leg out with the good one scooting her, hollering things such as, but not limited to: Move, BEEP BEEP, Ima run you over (craziness)
Anyway, Mom and dad have moved in temporarily to assist in her recovery. The in home nurse comes by tomorrow to see if she needs anything and what not. This is so weird...on a normal day when it's just me and Gma, there are like no visitors (or when there are its during my work hours...) now--its me and Gma, mom, dad, My sister and my aunt have been over and my cousin who lives across the field and never visits has been over today as well.
Anyway...I'm sure there will be many grandma stories to come, but for now at least she's home.
Don't get me wrong--I'm super glad that she's out of the nursing home and back to her own crib to finish recovering...she has a doctor's appointment on Monday and she'll know then how much longer she has to go without putting any weight on her leg.
She's come a long way. For the first few weeks after her fall she wasn't even able to get out of bed, they had her on oxygen and everything...now, she wheels herself around in the wheelchair--her bad leg out with the good one scooting her, hollering things such as, but not limited to: Move, BEEP BEEP, Ima run you over (craziness)
Anyway, Mom and dad have moved in temporarily to assist in her recovery. The in home nurse comes by tomorrow to see if she needs anything and what not. This is so weird...on a normal day when it's just me and Gma, there are like no visitors (or when there are its during my work hours...) now--its me and Gma, mom, dad, My sister and my aunt have been over and my cousin who lives across the field and never visits has been over today as well.
Anyway...I'm sure there will be many grandma stories to come, but for now at least she's home.
Thursday, July 2, 2009
Urban Dictionary
So I had some downtime this afternoon at work so I've been fucking around on the internet waiting for the four o'clock mark to get here so I can bounce and head into my three day weekend....I think I'll start with a nap :)
So anyway...I stumbled upon the urban dictionary at www.urbandictionary.com (which is going actually come in handy because I frequently have no idea what the hell my contractors are saying...they think they are so hood and all...) so anyway, here are some words that amused me:
Brown crayon: when no matter how many times you wipe your ass you can't get rid of the brown streak
fur bucket: female genitalia
brown chicken, brown cow: an onomatopaeic imitation of the guitar riff commonly heard in 1970s porn movies (I'm weak over this one)
I use this one a lot, didn't realize it had a meaning though:
Let you go: "I want to get off the phone now because I hate talking to you, but I'll pretend that i'm being polite by letting you go back to whatever boring crap you would be doing if you weren't talking to me
farting gift: the act of someone farting immediately before leaving a room; leaving that special something to be remembered by
I could go on, but it's just about time to close up shop here...there is a nap calling my name at home and a dog that is SO ready to get out of the cage and pee I'm sure.
So anyway...I stumbled upon the urban dictionary at www.urbandictionary.com (which is going actually come in handy because I frequently have no idea what the hell my contractors are saying...they think they are so hood and all...) so anyway, here are some words that amused me:
Brown crayon: when no matter how many times you wipe your ass you can't get rid of the brown streak
fur bucket: female genitalia
brown chicken, brown cow: an onomatopaeic imitation of the guitar riff commonly heard in 1970s porn movies (I'm weak over this one)
I use this one a lot, didn't realize it had a meaning though:
Let you go: "I want to get off the phone now because I hate talking to you, but I'll pretend that i'm being polite by letting you go back to whatever boring crap you would be doing if you weren't talking to me
farting gift: the act of someone farting immediately before leaving a room; leaving that special something to be remembered by
I could go on, but it's just about time to close up shop here...there is a nap calling my name at home and a dog that is SO ready to get out of the cage and pee I'm sure.
Nicknames
So the name that was given to me at birth is Tommy Elizabeth (for real), but I seem to be adopting more and more nicknames as time progresses.
On normal days I respond to Tommy...Though if I had my way people would just refer to me as T (because it just seems mysterious or something, lol) I'm a nerd SO WHAT.
Lets see shall we?
Thomas: my mom and sister call me this the most, but family in general and many friends have joined in
Tom: A couple of my coworkers (men) named Tom, we are the Toms in the warehouse, a mulitude of others...
T: Jen from time to time, random people, friends
Tom-cat: My moms nickname for me since I was a little kid
Tommy Guns: Co workers, friends, etc...pretty common
Tommy Knox: my friend Archie, thought it was hilarious when I came in to work one day hungover (he was my supervisor at the time) and I had the same faux hawk from the day before but with some extra lean to one side due to bed head...He said I looked like Johnny Knoxville, hence Tommy knox...this name was originally Tommy Knox and the White meat because I wore a shirt to work the same day that when I leaned over the bare skin showed above my pants and he had a hey day with that incident...(he's a freak...but awesome...never agree to go to Coldstone on a date with him, he's already said that if he takes a girl to coldstone he's expecting ass at the end of the night...) he is also the person whom I stole the saying "High as Giraffe pussy" from, Example: "Nah, I can't afford to go out tonight, I don't have any gas in my car and can't afford it cuz Gas is high as giraffe pussy...".
Tommy Pickles: A few of my employees have decided that since cutting my hair really short I look like Tommy Pickles from Rugrats (they are amused by this and hell I even play along)
Peaches, Boo bear, Precious, etc: A short list of the many pet names in Jen's Love Arsenal...each time I hear one, she gets this look that says, "really jen, I just vomited in my mouth..." is that really necessary? lol... anything other than babe is questionable in my eyes
Agassi: a guy that I work with that I used to go to high school with as well now calls me this after Andre Agassi the tennis player because he said that when I shaved my head this last time my head looked like a tennis ball
T-bags: Given to me an ex coworker but that has stuck with my boss mainly... There was another girl in the office that went by T or Tbone... well the excoworker went to say my name and started to say Tbones but realized that Tasha (the other T) was right there so corrected herself by saying T bags instead...I was not amused because this name implies that I enjoy the concept of laying my head back, opening my mouth wide, and gargling balls that are being dangled and dipped into my mouth UM NO. lol...but it is a funny nickname to have
The list continues. My sister is due in September so it's going to be interesting to see what my new Aunt name will be....this should be interesting.
On normal days I respond to Tommy...Though if I had my way people would just refer to me as T (because it just seems mysterious or something, lol) I'm a nerd SO WHAT.
Lets see shall we?
Thomas: my mom and sister call me this the most, but family in general and many friends have joined in
Tom: A couple of my coworkers (men) named Tom, we are the Toms in the warehouse, a mulitude of others...
T: Jen from time to time, random people, friends
Tom-cat: My moms nickname for me since I was a little kid
Tommy Guns: Co workers, friends, etc...pretty common
Tommy Knox: my friend Archie, thought it was hilarious when I came in to work one day hungover (he was my supervisor at the time) and I had the same faux hawk from the day before but with some extra lean to one side due to bed head...He said I looked like Johnny Knoxville, hence Tommy knox...this name was originally Tommy Knox and the White meat because I wore a shirt to work the same day that when I leaned over the bare skin showed above my pants and he had a hey day with that incident...(he's a freak...but awesome...never agree to go to Coldstone on a date with him, he's already said that if he takes a girl to coldstone he's expecting ass at the end of the night...) he is also the person whom I stole the saying "High as Giraffe pussy" from, Example: "Nah, I can't afford to go out tonight, I don't have any gas in my car and can't afford it cuz Gas is high as giraffe pussy...".
Tommy Pickles: A few of my employees have decided that since cutting my hair really short I look like Tommy Pickles from Rugrats (they are amused by this and hell I even play along)
Peaches, Boo bear, Precious, etc: A short list of the many pet names in Jen's Love Arsenal...each time I hear one, she gets this look that says, "really jen, I just vomited in my mouth..." is that really necessary? lol... anything other than babe is questionable in my eyes
Agassi: a guy that I work with that I used to go to high school with as well now calls me this after Andre Agassi the tennis player because he said that when I shaved my head this last time my head looked like a tennis ball
T-bags: Given to me an ex coworker but that has stuck with my boss mainly... There was another girl in the office that went by T or Tbone... well the excoworker went to say my name and started to say Tbones but realized that Tasha (the other T) was right there so corrected herself by saying T bags instead...I was not amused because this name implies that I enjoy the concept of laying my head back, opening my mouth wide, and gargling balls that are being dangled and dipped into my mouth UM NO. lol...but it is a funny nickname to have
The list continues. My sister is due in September so it's going to be interesting to see what my new Aunt name will be....this should be interesting.
I stole this, but it gave me something to do
A
- Available: for what, coffee? NOPE!
- Age: 28
- Annoyance: A plethora of things
B
- Birthday: --- May 24th
- Best Friend: --- my mom and sister
- Body Part on opposite sex: --- we’ll make that same sex, eyes and lips
- Best feeling in the world: --- new tattoo
- Best weather: --- fall…about 65 degrees, good for shorts and long sleeves
- Been in Love: --- Yes
- Believe in Magic: --- to an extent
C
- Candy: --- hot tomales
- Color: --- black
- Chinese or Mexican Food: --- Mexican
- Cake or pie: --- Strawberry cake w/cream cheese icing
D
- Day or Night: --- night
- Dancing in the rain: --- definitely
E
- Eyes: --- Hazel
- Ever failed a class?: --- Yep, accounting, but I got a redo so it’s all good now
F
- First thoughts waking up: --- I don’t wanna get up
- Food:--- fried broccoli, or bbq porkchops on the grill with homemade mac and cheese
G
- Greatest Fear: being a failure
- Goals: lose weight, graduate, not go insane
- Get along with your parents?: Fo sho
H
- Hair Color: Brown
- Height: --- 5’3
- Happy: --- most of the time
- Holiday: --- Memorial Day
- How do you want to die: quick and painlessly
I
- Ice Cream: Rocky Road, Breyer’s
J
- Jewelry: Simple, Silver
K
- Kids: --- a dog and a cat
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: sometimes
L
- Love: Yes please
M
- MilkShake flavor: --- vanilla
- Movies: --- too many
- Motion sickness?: depends on whose driving
- McD?s or BK: --- Trying to avoid both
N
- Number: --- 11
O
- One wish: --- World Peace, lol
P
- Perfect Pizza: --- X-tra cheese
- Pepsi/Coke: --- neither, I gave up soda almost a month ago
Q
- Quail: --- Trying to cut down?
R
- Reason to cry: -- who needs a reason?
- Reality T.V.: -- um, I dunno
- Radio Station: ---- 90s on 9
S
- Song: --- too many to choose, but for now
- Shoe size: 8- Salad Dressing: --- italian- Sushi: --- w/Saki? mmmm!
- Strawberries or Blueberries: --- Strawberries
T
- Tattoos?: --- 11
- Time for bed: ---by 11 preferably
U
- Unpredictable: --- sometimes
V
- Vacations: need one
W
- Weakness: --- junk food
- Who makes you laugh the most: my family and jen
- Wanted to be a model: --- No!
X
- X-Rays: Yes
Y
-Year it is now: --- 2009
Z
- Zoo animal: --- hippos
- Available: for what, coffee? NOPE!
- Age: 28
- Annoyance: A plethora of things
B
- Birthday: --- May 24th
- Best Friend: --- my mom and sister
- Body Part on opposite sex: --- we’ll make that same sex, eyes and lips
- Best feeling in the world: --- new tattoo
- Best weather: --- fall…about 65 degrees, good for shorts and long sleeves
- Been in Love: --- Yes
- Believe in Magic: --- to an extent
C
- Candy: --- hot tomales
- Color: --- black
- Chinese or Mexican Food: --- Mexican
- Cake or pie: --- Strawberry cake w/cream cheese icing
D
- Day or Night: --- night
- Dancing in the rain: --- definitely
E
- Eyes: --- Hazel
- Ever failed a class?: --- Yep, accounting, but I got a redo so it’s all good now
F
- First thoughts waking up: --- I don’t wanna get up
- Food:--- fried broccoli, or bbq porkchops on the grill with homemade mac and cheese
G
- Greatest Fear: being a failure
- Goals: lose weight, graduate, not go insane
- Get along with your parents?: Fo sho
H
- Hair Color: Brown
- Height: --- 5’3
- Happy: --- most of the time
- Holiday: --- Memorial Day
- How do you want to die: quick and painlessly
I
- Ice Cream: Rocky Road, Breyer’s
J
- Jewelry: Simple, Silver
K
- Kids: --- a dog and a cat
- Kickboxing or karate: kickboxing
- Keep a journal?: sometimes
L
- Love: Yes please
M
- MilkShake flavor: --- vanilla
- Movies: --- too many
- Motion sickness?: depends on whose driving
- McD?s or BK: --- Trying to avoid both
N
- Number: --- 11
O
- One wish: --- World Peace, lol
P
- Perfect Pizza: --- X-tra cheese
- Pepsi/Coke: --- neither, I gave up soda almost a month ago
Q
- Quail: --- Trying to cut down?
R
- Reason to cry: -- who needs a reason?
- Reality T.V.: -- um, I dunno
- Radio Station: ---- 90s on 9
S
- Song: --- too many to choose, but for now
- Shoe size: 8- Salad Dressing: --- italian- Sushi: --- w/Saki? mmmm!
- Strawberries or Blueberries: --- Strawberries
T
- Tattoos?: --- 11
- Time for bed: ---by 11 preferably
U
- Unpredictable: --- sometimes
V
- Vacations: need one
W
- Weakness: --- junk food
- Who makes you laugh the most: my family and jen
- Wanted to be a model: --- No!
X
- X-Rays: Yes
Y
-Year it is now: --- 2009
Z
- Zoo animal: --- hippos
She, from A to Z
She is:
An amazing woman
Beyond belief
Charismatic
Delicious
Edible
Fan-fucking-tastic
Gorgeous
Hilarious
Indeed, no one like her
Just a blast to be around
Kind and compassionate
Loving and loved
Mine, lol
Never dull or anything short of awesome
Openminded and full of joy
Pouty from time to time, if she doesn't get her way
Quite a breath of fresh air
Rebellious
Seriously, the best thing thats ever happened to me
Thoughtful
Unbelievable great in bed
Vivacious
Whimsical
X-rated from time to time
Youthful, even when her grays are showing
Zaftig (definition: of a woman, having a plump and sexually attractive figure; voluptuous, well proportioned)
Mind you I wouldn't normally call her plump, but she has curves in all the right places :)
An amazing woman
Beyond belief
Charismatic
Delicious
Edible
Fan-fucking-tastic
Gorgeous
Hilarious
Indeed, no one like her
Just a blast to be around
Kind and compassionate
Loving and loved
Mine, lol
Never dull or anything short of awesome
Openminded and full of joy
Pouty from time to time, if she doesn't get her way
Quite a breath of fresh air
Rebellious
Seriously, the best thing thats ever happened to me
Thoughtful
Unbelievable great in bed
Vivacious
Whimsical
X-rated from time to time
Youthful, even when her grays are showing
Zaftig (definition: of a woman, having a plump and sexually attractive figure; voluptuous, well proportioned)
Mind you I wouldn't normally call her plump, but she has curves in all the right places :)
Room to breathe
So I go through periods where I just need space. I want to be disconnected from everyone and everything. This can be a hard concept while in a relationship. How do you tell the person you love and the woman you are with that it's nothing personal, but you just need space. It makes you seem sketchy and like something is up most of the time.
I've always been like this and unfortunately, in the past when people push me during these periods I've been known to just call it quits so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm trying to improve my communication skills--I really am.
I'm trying to improve me in general (on many levels) so that I can be a more efficient portion of an "us." I am a total supporter of individualism in a relationship and frown upon instances where you become so involved in a relationship or that other person that you lose yourself. I really feel it is important to love yourself and improve the aspects of yourself that you are unhappy with in order to grow as a person, but also improve a relationship and make it stronger.
It's so easy to get caught up in someone else's life, while yours diminshes into the unknown, where it becomes harder and harder to remember the things that you enjoy because you spend so much time trying to do things that the other enjoys.
I'm a good example of this and I think that Jen is as well. Most people are guilty of it, whether they realize it or not. Jen really is a wonderful woman, though I frequently take her for granted. Other things in my life have made me lose focus and I've spent more time worrying over things in general, whether it be work or school, or family or whatever, I've lost the little things, like a simple text that says, "hey babe--I'm thinking about you..." just the little stuff
I've become consumed and filled with angst and unable to say everything that was on my mind because I was scared of how she would react. What it boils down to is if you are afraid of communicating with your partner or you feel like you can't--what the hell are you in the relationship for?
I should be able to tell her anything, no matter how random or scary and know that while her reaction may not be what I want it to be, that it's completely okay to tell her regardless of the reaction and feel better knowing that I made the effort to be open and honest.
I confessed to something yesterday that had been eating away at me for a while now and affecting different aspects of myself and my portion of what goes into the relationship...It wasn't anything detrimental in my mind (like I hadn't cheated on her or kissed anyone, or anything that would warrant serious repercussions) but it was a fib nonetheless and I couldn't not tell her the truth anymore. She handled it like a champ, though she calmly said she needed time to feel her anger (in different words)...but she was glad that I had told her. I'm still paranoid that my telling the truth now will create issues in the future with her wondering if I'm being dishonest or something all the time.
I pride myself in being a bluntly honest person, unfortunately, when I do fib (as rare as it may be) its generally to protect someone's ego or to make them feel better. It would have been better had I just not tried to sugar coat shit back in the day and been honest from the get go. It's like telling someone you like their haircut and then later on going back and being like, "you know I'm sorry, I lied, that haircut is ridiculous, bangs are SO not for you...) Does that makes sense?
I still require a great deal of space. I don't want to feel like I'm married right now and have all of the "expectations" that come with that. Though I love her, Jen is my girlfriend, not my wife and the more that things return back to the "dating" vibe the better off we will both be. Again, this isn't something that is solely her fault you know...But for me, someone who judging from my sketchy relationship past who might just have committment issues...its easier for me to just think in terms of the future in smaller intervals.
For example, part of our conversation last night is that it bothers her how I don't really look very far into the future....its not that I don't look into the future, its that if I put a timeline next to it, then I kind of freak out and sabotage shit. Like I can look into next week and think hey maybe if we have time, (insert really cool activity) would be fun. Or in August, Gay day at Harbor Park...but I have a really hard time saying forever and always because in the past when I have and things fell through--the shit was thrown in my face and I was once again the bad guy.
It's not that I dont consider the future...its just that I do it on my own terms, which is of course different from Jen's because we are not the same person. I have to respect that we are not the same person and that she is going to clean differently than I do, listen to different music than me, enjoy movies that I think are dumb (and vice versa to all of the above).... it is what it is, we are different individuals, but together we make a fabulous "us." I love her and though she deserves much better than me...I have to get her some serious kudos because she is the most patient, understanding person I've ever been with. She rocks my world (I feel like its been a really long time since Ive said that...I should say it more often.)
I'm glad she found me.
I've always been like this and unfortunately, in the past when people push me during these periods I've been known to just call it quits so that I don't have to deal with it. I'm trying to improve my communication skills--I really am.
I'm trying to improve me in general (on many levels) so that I can be a more efficient portion of an "us." I am a total supporter of individualism in a relationship and frown upon instances where you become so involved in a relationship or that other person that you lose yourself. I really feel it is important to love yourself and improve the aspects of yourself that you are unhappy with in order to grow as a person, but also improve a relationship and make it stronger.
It's so easy to get caught up in someone else's life, while yours diminshes into the unknown, where it becomes harder and harder to remember the things that you enjoy because you spend so much time trying to do things that the other enjoys.
I'm a good example of this and I think that Jen is as well. Most people are guilty of it, whether they realize it or not. Jen really is a wonderful woman, though I frequently take her for granted. Other things in my life have made me lose focus and I've spent more time worrying over things in general, whether it be work or school, or family or whatever, I've lost the little things, like a simple text that says, "hey babe--I'm thinking about you..." just the little stuff
I've become consumed and filled with angst and unable to say everything that was on my mind because I was scared of how she would react. What it boils down to is if you are afraid of communicating with your partner or you feel like you can't--what the hell are you in the relationship for?
I should be able to tell her anything, no matter how random or scary and know that while her reaction may not be what I want it to be, that it's completely okay to tell her regardless of the reaction and feel better knowing that I made the effort to be open and honest.
I confessed to something yesterday that had been eating away at me for a while now and affecting different aspects of myself and my portion of what goes into the relationship...It wasn't anything detrimental in my mind (like I hadn't cheated on her or kissed anyone, or anything that would warrant serious repercussions) but it was a fib nonetheless and I couldn't not tell her the truth anymore. She handled it like a champ, though she calmly said she needed time to feel her anger (in different words)...but she was glad that I had told her. I'm still paranoid that my telling the truth now will create issues in the future with her wondering if I'm being dishonest or something all the time.
I pride myself in being a bluntly honest person, unfortunately, when I do fib (as rare as it may be) its generally to protect someone's ego or to make them feel better. It would have been better had I just not tried to sugar coat shit back in the day and been honest from the get go. It's like telling someone you like their haircut and then later on going back and being like, "you know I'm sorry, I lied, that haircut is ridiculous, bangs are SO not for you...) Does that makes sense?
I still require a great deal of space. I don't want to feel like I'm married right now and have all of the "expectations" that come with that. Though I love her, Jen is my girlfriend, not my wife and the more that things return back to the "dating" vibe the better off we will both be. Again, this isn't something that is solely her fault you know...But for me, someone who judging from my sketchy relationship past who might just have committment issues...its easier for me to just think in terms of the future in smaller intervals.
For example, part of our conversation last night is that it bothers her how I don't really look very far into the future....its not that I don't look into the future, its that if I put a timeline next to it, then I kind of freak out and sabotage shit. Like I can look into next week and think hey maybe if we have time, (insert really cool activity) would be fun. Or in August, Gay day at Harbor Park...but I have a really hard time saying forever and always because in the past when I have and things fell through--the shit was thrown in my face and I was once again the bad guy.
It's not that I dont consider the future...its just that I do it on my own terms, which is of course different from Jen's because we are not the same person. I have to respect that we are not the same person and that she is going to clean differently than I do, listen to different music than me, enjoy movies that I think are dumb (and vice versa to all of the above).... it is what it is, we are different individuals, but together we make a fabulous "us." I love her and though she deserves much better than me...I have to get her some serious kudos because she is the most patient, understanding person I've ever been with. She rocks my world (I feel like its been a really long time since Ive said that...I should say it more often.)
I'm glad she found me.
For the love of all things holy
So I'm really proud of myself. I have worked out every night this week so far (granted that's only three nights to this point, with plans of doing it again tonight but dear god) I have pains in muscles I didn't even know existed.
I've been using Hip Hop Abs in the comfort of my own living room as the second step in my grand plan to weight loss. The first was giving up soda and well I'm almost at the month mark on that one. I'm going to work out with Hip Hop Abs six nights a week for a month straight and then see if I notice a difference. I hope that by then I'll be addicted to it and craving more work outs.
I've always dreamed of running. Of course when I start running in real life I make it about three feet before the urge to pass out and die comes...not to mention shin splints being an issue. I need to get past these excuses and just do it. I want to feel a runner's high and I want to at some point before I die, run a complete marathon....
I'll work on that eventually...I mean there has to be a secret to it right? I dunno...I'm sure it will be easier when I start losing some weight...
It's kind of funny, I go through phases where I want to dress really girly (normally in the winter time)...I find myself wanting the boot cut jeans with the killer square toe boots with heels, a button up shirt, etc.... well I'm a big girl so those heels really kill my feet because of all the weight misappropriately proportioned and such...
Summer time attire consists of cargo shorts and tshirts or polos and flip flops...hell when i'm at work the only difference is I wear tennis shoes instead of flip flops because I have to have on real shoes for the warehouse. But I digress...
The moral of the story is that i'm taking baby steps to be where I want/need to be. I want to be able to see cute clothes and buy them, not have to search for big girl clothes that are cute and not grandma-esque you know.
I will be graduating in October...cap and gowns only look right on super skinny folks...I'm not going to be super skinny by then, but I can at least be on my way....
I pulled my hamstring...I didn't sign up for this...the dvd is not called Hip hop fucking hamstrings you know.
I've been using Hip Hop Abs in the comfort of my own living room as the second step in my grand plan to weight loss. The first was giving up soda and well I'm almost at the month mark on that one. I'm going to work out with Hip Hop Abs six nights a week for a month straight and then see if I notice a difference. I hope that by then I'll be addicted to it and craving more work outs.
I've always dreamed of running. Of course when I start running in real life I make it about three feet before the urge to pass out and die comes...not to mention shin splints being an issue. I need to get past these excuses and just do it. I want to feel a runner's high and I want to at some point before I die, run a complete marathon....
I'll work on that eventually...I mean there has to be a secret to it right? I dunno...I'm sure it will be easier when I start losing some weight...
It's kind of funny, I go through phases where I want to dress really girly (normally in the winter time)...I find myself wanting the boot cut jeans with the killer square toe boots with heels, a button up shirt, etc.... well I'm a big girl so those heels really kill my feet because of all the weight misappropriately proportioned and such...
Summer time attire consists of cargo shorts and tshirts or polos and flip flops...hell when i'm at work the only difference is I wear tennis shoes instead of flip flops because I have to have on real shoes for the warehouse. But I digress...
The moral of the story is that i'm taking baby steps to be where I want/need to be. I want to be able to see cute clothes and buy them, not have to search for big girl clothes that are cute and not grandma-esque you know.
I will be graduating in October...cap and gowns only look right on super skinny folks...I'm not going to be super skinny by then, but I can at least be on my way....
I pulled my hamstring...I didn't sign up for this...the dvd is not called Hip hop fucking hamstrings you know.
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