Monday, May 11, 2009

May 24th

My birthday is coming soon...May 24th. I'll be 28. I kind of feel old about that but not really enough to lose sleep over. I'm going to go down to Hatteras with Jen, take her sight seeing to Ocracoke Island perhaps and get trashed, lol. I want to play drunk guitar hero, drunk yahtzee, be drunk, get a suntan (or burn in my glow in the dark white ass case), and just have a fun filled drama free weekend. I want fried broccoli and to just chill and relax...

I think Jen has to work Sunday night so we'll figure out how and when we are going to do things soon....I just wanna go and I want to be with her and my family...we are going to do a one on one day though so she can see some of my favorite parts of the island. Ferry included.

donde esta grandma?

Donde esta grandma? The answer is soon to be grandma es en su casa, lol. Yes I'm a dork, I'm okay with that. Grandma is due to come home June 5th. She will still not be able to put any weight on her leg for many weeks to come, but at least she'll be home. Mom is going to "move" in with us...there will be a hospital bed put in for Grandma and mom is going to help out, as am I.

I cut grandma's hair yesterday and gave her an updated look. Makes her look younger and thinner in my opinion...but anyway. I'm excited. This house has been way too quiet without grandma being here. Funny how the shit that annoys the shit out of you on a normal day turns out to be stuff that you miss when it's not around. Funny the things we take for granted in our lives.


I just watched Vicky Cristina Barcelona--its a woody allen film and I really enjoyed it. I am actually a fan of his stuff...there was a preview for a movie with Colin Farell and some other dude called Casandra's dream or something along those lines that I'll have to check out soon.


Shit has been weird to say the least. I've been in a strange funk...its like there is a haze around me that I have a hard time functioning during these times. Its a lot like wearing glasses that are smudged that just won't come clean, no matter how much you clean them.

It has affected my relationship much more than I'd like to admit. In past relationships I was this way and well we see where that got me. I at one time deeply cared for and loved Stephanie, my time progressed we were always at each other's throats... I hated her dog and got to the point where everything she did including breathing urked the living shit out of me. Was she doing anything out of the ordinary (not really) granted she hated how close I am with my family and couldnt handle not being the "center of my universe." Unfortunately, school, family, etc seem to always come before my relationships. We were doomed early on and I for some reason clung onto it out of fear of huring her....what about me? I mean hell, I really was holding her back and actually was her enemy (though not on purpose)...but enough about that....We've been offically over for a year and a half now and haven't lived together for well over a year now. (keep in mind all this is leading to a point)

Then there was the short stint with first it was fabulous... probably because it seemed to be what i needed at the time. Turns out I got over that rather quickly, but again...grew tired of being unhappy yet felt obligated to stay...I never want to be the bad I convinced myself that everything would be fine... Planned a "romantic weekend" down in Hatteras...she spent it stoned the whole time (which only pissed me off because I wanted to be stoned too and couldnt because of work)...I asked her to be my girlfriend because in my mind I had already committed to the concept of her and I so just went with it...later that night I couldnt sleep...I had someone else on my mind.

Jen entered the picture...and I enjoyed talking with her and everything about her. I didn't end it with Maggie to be with Jen, but the timing came where I knew that I wasn't being a good girlfriend if laying next to one woman I was thinking of another and I just got tired of being unhappy with her and constantly wondering if she was fucking someone else and then trying to convince me she wasn't....

I fell hard and quick and Jen. End of story. Problem? I'm having a problem breaking old habits. I still love her...everything about her, but I have a tendency to get into these hazy funks as mentioned earlier in this blog...when this happens I often get rather stoic--incapable of showing any emotion. My communication skills are limited to knitpicking and "attacks" for a lack of better words. Its like I hold shit in and when I got to talk to Jen it comes out like I'm attacking her when the stuff I'm talking about really doesnt bother me i just need something to bitch about or something....I dont know how else to explain it.

I mentioned to my boss this morning how I'm such an awful girlfriend and How I feel destined to fail in all relationships because my priorties aren't where other peoples are. I will always drop nearly everythign to do for my family... (though I'm sure that would be alieviated some if I moved away from them) Of course then I'd have to battle with homesickness like I did when I moved to is of huge importance to me. The other biggie in my life is relationships...though I guess in comparison to the other two by the time I get to that one, I'm already spead thin.

I need to pick my battles and spread myself more evenly through out. My weakness is I have a hard time saying no. It's easier to just say sure, or yes to keep everyone else happy...very few people see the effect it has on me and how stressed out I get from "biting off more than I can chew and what not."

So my boss pointed out a seriously crucial point that I had overlooked. Basically, she said, "Tommy you can't change people..." I was like I don't want to change her, I just have moments where I can't turn off my anal retentive tendencies and get irritated at an empty bottle sitting on the table, or a wrapper left out rather than thrown away. My boss was like, "dude" throw it away then. If you don't like the way something is, stop trying to change her (since really she's not the issue) and clean it up yourself so it's like you want it.

Well damn, why didn't I think of that. Because I'm in a fucking haze that's why. I would rather be this "empty" stoic ass that makes her girlfriend cry than just realize I have what's in front of me before its gone. It takes a special woman to be with me and I'm not going to lie, I worry that Jen will just get to the point where I've been before in relationships and be like fuck this wack job...I'm out...

I can't live in fear or add to my already long list of insecurities. I can be happy to have such a wonderful, fabulous, sexy woman in my who makes me smile from the inside who is aware of my flaws but doesn't focus on them or fret over who I love.

My mental to do list now includes correcting my behavior so that history does not continue repeating itself. I'm not a bad person, I'm just complex sometimes. It's hard to explain shit sometimes, in general and especially aloud.


Friday, May 1, 2009

And then I got home...

So today was going to be the day that I started eating better and made an honest effort in the weightloss department. My intention was to start a new blog and track my progress. I did really well today AND THEN I GOT was all downhill from there.

Ridiculous really. A long ass nap, no homework got done, eating eating eating, then to the movies where I ate some more, only to eat some more after that...etc...

I really don't know how to do this. It's one thing to know what I need to do, but why is it so hard for me to actually follow through and do it. DAMMIT. I don't get it. I'm not happy and I'm going to stay miserable if I continue on the path I'm on... why is this so difficult.

You would think that because its something that I want, i would just do

Sometimes a mommy needs a break

I love my dog. Don't get me wrong, but I love it when I take her to play with Earl (mom's dog), Shadow and Trouble (Mandi's dogs) and leave her with Aunt Melissa (the babysitter) to play...I get back from doing things like going to see a movie and she's had a change of scenery, played with her puppy pals and she's anxious to get home...the best part though is that she gets home...hops up on the couch, puts her head on the pillow and passes the hell out.

Does it make me a bad mom to love it that Pepper gets pooped out and needs to rest sometimes too...ABSOFREAKINGLUTELY NOT. :) All mommies need a break at one time or shouldn't feel guilty about it.

Jobbity job job

So I hadn't blogged about it yet but it occurred to me the other day that I dont hate my much as I may bitch about things sometiems, I don't hate it. As a matter of fact I really love it. Granted I don't love it as much as I did in the beginning, the dynamics have changed a bit, but its still super (just different).

Let's look at the pros shall we: a job that doesn't take away from my school work and I'm gaining experience in an industry that I'd like to continue in; my boss is fabulous (who doesn't like having someone who you can talk to about practically anything and still know that she'll put you in check if you're fucking up or lacking in any area); I like that I've had my eyes opened to so much when it comes to "people management"--I mimic a lot of her management style, but still put a "tommy twist" on it to make it work for me...I dunno it just works.

If I'm having a bad day I can go talk shit with my contractors and help unload a truck or's good stuff.

I can safely say that I've gone through plenty of cyncial phases where I hate my job, or I hate the shit that goes on there or whatever, but what it boils down to is I'm still really lucky in the work world. I just hope that I'll be able to make my car payment here in a couple of weeks, lol.

True story

So I got to work this morning...I was on time (I'm getting better at this, lol) but something on my sleeve caught the corner of my eye. I look at my sleeve thinking that I had brushed up against some wet paint or something...and I had a DUH moment for real.

You see, I wear navy blue polos to work that have my companies name embroidered on the chest (Aerotek)...well it turns out that my sleeve actually has my girlfriend's name on it... Yep, big as day, Jen L___. WTF? and instead of Aerotek displayed on my chest, it says Cinemark...definitely not who signs my paychecks, lol.

Oh well, there were like five people in the whole warehouse so no one noticed but I found it amusing as hell. Apparently, Jen left some clothes here the other day and I washed them...well me, pushing it to the last possible moment to roll out of bed, got up, hopped in the shower, and grabbed a clean blue shirt out of the pile and bounced....the moral of the story is that Perhaps I should read the company name on my shirt to make sure its mine before sporting the wrong shirt at work.

As funny as it is, I felt was like wearing underwear I thought were mine, then at the end of the day taking them off only to discover someone elses initials in them ( i label my underwear, not likely) hell when I'm at home in my comfort zone I dont even bother with them, ha.