Ramblings

Shit has been weird to say the least. I've been in a strange funk...its like there is a haze around me that I have a hard time functioning during these times. Its a lot like wearing glasses that are smudged that just won't come clean, no matter how much you clean them.

It has affected my relationship much more than I'd like to admit. In past relationships I was this way and well we see where that got me. I at one time deeply cared for and loved Stephanie, my ex...as time progressed we were always at each other's throats... I hated her dog and got to the point where everything she did including breathing urked the living shit out of me. Was she doing anything out of the ordinary (not really) granted she hated how close I am with my family and couldnt handle not being the "center of my universe." Unfortunately, school, family, etc seem to always come before my relationships. We were doomed early on and I for some reason clung onto it out of fear of huring her....what about me? I mean hell, I really was holding her back and actually was her enemy (though not on purpose)...but enough about that....We've been offically over for a year and a half now and haven't lived together for well over a year now. (keep in mind all this is leading to a point)

Then there was the short stint with Maggie...at first it was fabulous... probably because it seemed to be what i needed at the time. Turns out I got over that rather quickly, but again...grew tired of being unhappy yet felt obligated to stay...I never want to be the bad guy...so I convinced myself that everything would be fine... Planned a "romantic weekend" down in Hatteras...she spent it stoned the whole time (which only pissed me off because I wanted to be stoned too and couldnt because of work)...I asked her to be my girlfriend because in my mind I had already committed to the concept of her and I so just went with it...later that night I couldnt sleep...I had someone else on my mind.

Jen entered the picture...and I enjoyed talking with her and everything about her. I didn't end it with Maggie to be with Jen, but the timing came where I knew that I wasn't being a good girlfriend if laying next to one woman I was thinking of another and I just got tired of being unhappy with her and constantly wondering if she was fucking someone else and then trying to convince me she wasn't....

I fell hard and quick and Jen. End of story. Problem? I'm having a problem breaking old habits. I still love her...everything about her, but I have a tendency to get into these hazy funks as mentioned earlier in this blog...when this happens I often get rather stoic--incapable of showing any emotion. My communication skills are limited to knitpicking and "attacks" for a lack of better words. Its like I hold shit in and when I got to talk to Jen it comes out like I'm attacking her when the stuff I'm talking about really doesnt bother me i just need something to bitch about or something....I dont know how else to explain it.

I mentioned to my boss this morning how I'm such an awful girlfriend and How I feel destined to fail in all relationships because my priorties aren't where other peoples are. I will always drop nearly everythign to do for my family... (though I'm sure that would be alieviated some if I moved away from them) Of course then I'd have to battle with homesickness like I did when I moved to Nashville...school is of huge importance to me. The other biggie in my life is relationships...though I guess in comparison to the other two by the time I get to that one, I'm already spead thin.

I need to pick my battles and spread myself more evenly through out. My weakness is I have a hard time saying no. It's easier to just say sure, or yes to keep everyone else happy...very few people see the effect it has on me and how stressed out I get from "biting off more than I can chew and what not."

So my boss pointed out a seriously crucial point that I had overlooked. Basically, she said, "Tommy you can't change people..." I was like I don't want to change her, I just have moments where I can't turn off my anal retentive tendencies and get irritated at an empty bottle sitting on the table, or a wrapper left out rather than thrown away. My boss was like, "dude" throw it away then. If you don't like the way something is, stop trying to change her (since really she's not the issue) and clean it up yourself so it's like you want it.

Well damn, why didn't I think of that. Because I'm in a fucking haze that's why. I would rather be this "empty" stoic ass that makes her girlfriend cry than just realize I have what's in front of me before its gone. It takes a special woman to be with me and I'm not going to lie, I worry that Jen will just get to the point where I've been before in relationships and be like fuck this wack job...I'm out...

I can't live in fear or add to my already long list of insecurities. I can be happy to have such a wonderful, fabulous, sexy woman in my life...one who makes me smile from the inside out...one who is aware of my flaws but doesn't focus on them or fret over them....one who I love.

My mental to do list now includes correcting my behavior so that history does not continue repeating itself. I'm not a bad person, I'm just complex sometimes. It's hard to explain shit sometimes, in general and especially aloud.

Hmmm.