Shhhh! No talking.

I took this picture at the beginning of the year...it was Jen's first trip to Hatteras....she finally got to see why I love it so much and she too fell in love with it...almost immediately.

This weekend reminded me a great deal of the early months of Jen and my relationship. We didn't argue or have any issues because it was all so new and so incredibly enjoyable. We are still new in comparison to many, still approaching our one year together...I think that the best part of this weekend was the fact that for now we just agreed to disagree in a way. It's like we both long to be near each other but sometimes analyze shit to death and take the fun right out of it.

I have a hard time in relationships because I want things my way and my way only the majority of the time. I get so pissed off over the littlest things sometimes that I lose sight of the "big picture." It's not all about me. Granted, I do want to be happy and I absolutely refuse to be miserable just to avoid hurting someone...I've done that before. I guess when I saw my current relationship headed down the same path as a previous one...I freaked out. I had to really look at the situation and figure out where I was going wrong. No, I don't have all the answers, nor was I enlightened with some super secret knowledge that very few know....what I did realize however is that I am indeed the only common link between my current relationship and my past relationship (the one that is of any circumstance anyway)...

How do you tell someone that you really enjoy their company MOST of the time but that you have phases where you don't want to be around them (not because they've done something wrong...) but because your overwhelmed and don't want to take things out on them. You'd think it would be easy to just say those things...but it's not.

It seems that feelings get hurt and people often take it personally if you don't want to spend every waking moment with them. I'm a strong supporter of remaining an individual while still having a successful relationship. I want to do things that I enjoy and for Jen to do things that she enjoys and then to also have things that we enjoy doing together. For instance she likes to shoot hoops...I can't stand the thought of playing basketball...ugh..not to mention I'm like three feet tall compared to her, haha. But I have things that I like to do by myself, or just hanging out with my sister or whatever...there are things that we do together as well.

I guess for me it's difficult to not always be in control. When things get out of hand in my life (i.e. when I get stressed out because of family, gma, school, work, all of the above plus some....) I no longer have that "pretend" control that I always try to have...and it all goes down hill from there. That's when all of a sudden things that on a normal day wouldn't bother me at all becomes my focus and eventually I cause a fight and make it the emphasis of my argument.

Long story short, I own the fact that I'm not an easy person to date and I'm not the best verbal communicator. I do however have to give it to Jen for being patient overall... and willing to let me take a few days and just not communicate with her. Don't get me wrong, we still talked and had phenomenal dirty kinky porn style sex, but we didn't analyze anything or talk about any "issues/problems." We just enjoyed each others' company and had a good time. Sure eventually we'll talk, but I'm glad that I was finally just able to say, "You know, I'm just not in a place right now where I want to talk about all that stuff...I want to focus on x, y, and z and just enjoy your company..."

I'm finally at the point where I feel like I can say I don't want to talk about "it" lets talk about something else or just do anything but..." and it will be okay. I've finally reached a point in my life that I can say that I won't or cant talk about something and it's okay...eventually I'm going to talk about it, but I know how I am...and if I force it or am forced to discuss something when I'm not ready or not at a point where it's mentally feasible...it's going to be a bad situation.... something will come from nothing and I'll end up flipping out for no visible reason.

For now I'm content...I had a great weekend and I'm back to feeling like I have a wonderful woman in my life (granted she hadn't done anything for real to warrant me feeling otherwise...) I just needed to be able to not try and explain shit and analyze it to death....

Things are back to the way they should be. And we've planned our next trip to hatteras...towards the end of August....good times....

Love doesn't sit there like a stone, it has to be made, like bread; remade all of the time, made new. ~Ursula K. LeGuin