Work and other worthless thoughts

Yesterday (Thursday) was an all around awful day for me.  I had completed the last of all my required assignments late Wednesday night and expected to wake feeling over joyed at the accomplishment of technically finishing school and all associated with it.  But, alas, it felt like a regular day.  No fireworks, no applause, nothing out of the ordinary, just a regular day--I was okay with that.  After submitting my last assignment I emailed the school a copy of the form that I needed to fill out: Request for verification or something like that. 

Basically, they check my financial standing and my grades and give me a yay or nay response, which will be emailed to me in 10-14 business days.  Once approved, I will then be billed the $125 evaluation fee (translation, another way for them to bleed me dry, as if the over 50 grand in student loans I've accumulated over the years, and $400 minimum for text books every 11 weeks for the last two years wasn't enough)...

I missed the deadline for the graduation ceremony, which is okay because I had already announced I wasn't going to walk.  What I am going to do is borrow my sister's cap and gown from her graduation last May...(including tassle), put on my honor's cord that I received for good grades and pose for "fake" grad pictures.  Then, Mom and Mandi are going to hum the graduation march song and I'm going to walk my big ass to the fridge for a nice ice cold beer :) Now that's a plan, lol.  It's not that I'm not excited about graduating, because, trust and believe I'm ecstatic to be finished, but it's not official until I get that yay or nay email...so I'll put off my WOOHOOs until then.

Back to the point...yesterday sucked.  I feel more and more like a babysitter at my job than a supervisor.  I'm a broken record, repeating myself all damn day long because no one fucking listens.  Firing people for no call no shows, writing people up and coaching them for not maintaining the expected performance/production standards, or accuracy issue, attendance issues, etc...gets rather repetitive.  I'm tired of having a job where at the end of the day I don't fee like I've accomplished anything.  I have no impact in my opinion on any aspect.  I can't impact the operations of the client, because they are the client, and I'm just some peon that doesn't know anything...(apparently) and within my own organization I'm trapped and have no impact because I'm just a contractor as opposed to being internal.  I've been here thirteen and a half months and very little I was promised has actually occurred. 

There is this job that I would really like to have.  It's the same basic principles but focuses less on supervising and more on training and implementation, still focusing on safety...I didnt get the nickname Five-O for not being on top of my safety game. (Hey so and so, where's your seatbelt?, Hey dude, this isn't Nascar, slow your roll...etc) This position is open until filled, the pay range is $15000-25000 more than I make now, which granted isn't much at all...is only 12 miles from my house (my job now is only 5 miles away) and is a city/state job which means that I'd be a state employee, with kick ass benefits, paid holidays and sick time, and tuition reimbursement (for when I'm ready to go with my masters)... I just have to pencil in time to update my resume and apply. It's kind of fucked up though...all this schooling and emphasis in business writing and my resume sucks ass....

My boss came to the facility yesterday. She had interviews lined up...more people for me to potentially train, fire, or have quit or just stop showing up in the same week.  I'm saying this all wrong.  I had to sit down and figure if Im the reason this is happening, but even the client company is running into a slew of no call no shoes or people just up and quitting....I'm just not passionate about my role here anymore.  I'm not a die hard person like my boss, who stuck it out doing what I'm doing for 18 months before getting a gig at the main office...(still overseeing me and the account, but with a lot of extra responsibility like recruiting)... I'm not recruiter material.  I don't believe in this client enough to try and get people to work here...sounds horrible huh, but it's the truth....

There is never any negative feedback from the client supervisor/managers to my boss and my bosses boss...but I'm tired of feeling like I'm on a deserted island and invisible.  I need a change.

My boss is still great as a person, it's just that I'm burned out in my position that I'm becoming bitter and that's affecting the way I see a lot of things, work in general, my boss and the way she does things, etc.  I have to type of a list of issues that I'm having with the client supervisors/managers to email her, she'll add to it and send it to her boss and he'll have a meeting with the head honchos for the client next week to try and correct the issues. 

I'm generally non-confrontational... I'd assume play nice and then bitch about the problems later rather than stir shit up right then... mainly because I know it's pointless...That's about to change.

When I leave here in the afternoons is more of a sense of relief than accomplishment...I smoked a cigarette, from my emergency pack (going on three weeks old at this point now I think)....to come down, to relax and center myself....I hate smelling like smoke, but dammit sometimes that "prozac on a stick" is the good shit. 

Since it was Thursday I headed to Jen's house to watch lil man for her... he was whiney which tends to stress me out, but he didn't feel good so I did my best to not get irritated...it wasn't his fault.  I had just had a crappy day, snapped at Jen via text, which I quickly apologized for since it wasn't my intention...and now was trying to snap out of the foul mood I was in. 

Lil man and I built our own pizzas and did his homework...he showered and got into bed on time.  I was attempting to blog and had just got out of the shower myself when he woke up and announced he had to pee.  I was conducting a test run with leaving Pepper with Grandma overnight...(something I've decided I wont' do ever again because she creates reasons to call me when I'm not at home...it gets old.  This morning I had three missed calls from her....The first one was to see if I was home because she heard the dog barking and wanted to know if she needed to get up and let her out....the second was to let me know the dog was outside and the third to verify which bag had dog food in it....(Gee grandma, I dunno, maybe it's the one that says PEDIGREE in like 375 font and has the dog on it)...she then tells me about how the water is looking low...(Grandma, it's 615 in the fucking morning, the dog is not going to drink the remainder of her 5 gallon waterer before I get home this afternoon....when it's low, there is still a gallon in there....for fucks sake lady)...all stuff she knows, but she plays dumb to have reasons to talk to me when I'm not around because she's lonely... how is she going to be when I move out... i'm going to have to change my telephone number for real.

As always, I digress...back to Thursday night with lil man: So he gets up and says he needs to pee, pees, then comes into Jen's room where I was blogging and watching tv putting off much needed sleep and starts crying because he doesn't feel well... I have him come over to me and cuddle with him at which time I realized he was radiating heat and quickly regretted the cuddling portion because it made me start to sweat....he was in and out of crying bouts and sleep when I called Jen, who was on her way home by this point and asked if she had any kids tylenol because I thought lil man had a fever... She didnt so she detoured to get some....She gets home and within three minutes of her being there, he sits up on her bed to get ready to take some medicine when he starts puking all over the bed....Poor guy.  I hop up as quick as possible because anyone who has heard the sound of a kid puking knows they aren't safe and it could end up anywhere....

This awful smell filled the air and Jen had to catch her breath to keep from vomiting herself....he got off the bed and I walked carrying a washcloth in front of his face catching as much vomit as I could...though the majority I think got on my hand and started running down my arm...Jen helped him in the bathroom, I washed my hands and peeled the sheets, mattress cover, and comforter off the bed...he had managed to saturate all three with puke...fun.  The smell was not pleasant by any means and I was thankful that I don't have a weak stomach.

I walk past Jen with the pile of sheets and comforter and hear her request that I get as much of the chunks out before washing it.... wow this just gets grosser and grosser... (I flashed back to last week when I had butt wiping detail and this week where I'm touching vomit with my bare hand and adding harassing her about this later to my mental to do list)... What fun.

He just had sour stomach and a head ache it seemed... all of a sudden he has tons of energy post shower.... everything short of running laps and telling his mom about the words he had written during homework.  Jen looks at me and says babe, you should be asleep, if you need to go home, I understand.... I stayed... I wasn't sure that I'd be able to keep my eyes open long enough to drive home... so no need to risk it.  I was overly tired and didn't sleep well... at 1:30 this morning I woke up to Jen tossing sheets on me...the comforter still wasn't dry, so the two of us had been sharing a throw blanket (which I'm sure I hogged the majority of being as I like sleeping in the fetal position with everything but my head covered, blankets up to my neck and strategically tucked and one foot poked out, but not uncovered allowing air to circulate...) I made comment about how I was going to be hating life tomorrow.... Jen said, "just don't hate my son..." Like I could do that...I threw her a weird look and passed out.

Five thirty rolled around rather quickly and up and motivated I was.  Out the door in time to make a run to Chic fil-a for a chicken egg and cheese biscuit (I had planned this while still at work on Thursday and was determined to stick to the plan... plus some coworkers had already made requests for what they wanted.)...

Then work, more drama, more No call no shows, more resignations without notice...etc...fun

I was going to go see a movie tonight since it's been weeks since the last one I've seen....but I'm thinking a nap curled up with Chino and Pepper trumps this desire....and perhaps clean the upstairs tonight since I have to do grandmas part of the house tomorrow.  I was going to take Jen and lil man to the Isle of Wight Co. Fair but think I'll wait a month and take them to the Suffolk Peanut Fest instead....Though, I think Clarence Carter, the guy that sings "strokin" is supposed to perform at the Isle of Wight Fair tonight....I dunno...not that eager right now, maybe after some sleep sometime this weekend we'll stroll that way on Sunday, for now rest is in the lead for things to do.