I survived and she said yes :)

I survived my week in Colorado, though the last couple of days did get a little big sketchy...only because I was on edge and getting a wee bit stir crazy. I mean hell, I went an entire week without saying the work fuck aloud or any other cus word for that matter and I was serious feeling the effects... HARSH.

Jen's family is nothing like mine, which is not a bad thing, and I respect her and her family so I didn't go out there like my normal sailor over the top super gay self... I toned it down A LOT.  It nearly killed me.  Her mother would later comment that she missed having me around because I treat her with respect and actually listen with respect and talk to her... and would tell me to call her whenever I need to talk and we even worked through a huge obstacle where I disappointed her as well as her daughter a while ago... so I made huge progress with "mom"... her mom is still very intimidating and has a very serious poker face... and I guess I always considered her more difficult to talk to due to the age difference between her and my mother perhaps...she's in her mid or late sixties where my mom is only 50... but I digress... I love her mom to death... Her dad is quiet and easily unnerved at something as simple as a tampax commercial so I tried to not slip up too much around him...

I met her sister and her brother ... her sister fell in love with me almost instantly... she thought I was hilarious and at one point mentioned wanting to date me (though was only kidding because she doesn't swing that way... plus she isn't my type and has way too many kids, lol)... all her kids, Jen's nephews and niece love me, the youngest was the hardest to crack, but by the end of the week was on board and thought I was cool... he would have liked me more if I was into video games...which Im not. That's Jen's thing.  Her brother I only met and hung out with for a day, and he's a tough cookie...the oldest out of all of them, in his forties I think, I dunno for sure.... but very stoic and poker facish, but I think I won him over as well...if not, oh well, I think I did well enough.  My first full day there was a cook out where I met the extended family (talk about overwhelming)... Jen had asked her mom how to introduce me and for a second I was almost going to have to be the special friend which I didn't agree with at all, but I wasn't going to show my ass the first day there, you know... that would have made for an awkward week.... I told jen I didn't agree with it and she talked to her mom again who then said, not to lie, but to not disrespect her dad (because it was all his family) and for us to not make out and be groping on each other in front of everyone (which hello, we don't do anyway, in public)...  so I was introduced to her family (some of which hadn't seen her since her wedding as her partner...) they didn't seem very phased by it.  Overall it went well.

I had planned for a long while before this trip to ask Jen to marry me.  I had ordered the rings, but had been having problems with my mail and wasn't sure they'd make it in time.  Luckily, they came while Jen was in Vegas for work.  I told my mom and dad, sister and brother and best friend what my intentions were and they supported me whole heartedly... all of them love Jen... they didn't give me any crap, no smart ass comments, nothing, just one hundred percent support.  The trick was going to be getting Jen alone to pop the question and carry out my plan.

I had every intention of asking her mom prior to doing it, but even when I was alone with her mom working things out with her and just having talks with her or eating the best mexican food EVER made (Jen's mom is a wicked great cook)... (jen is hispanic if i neglected to mention that, she just looks white, lol) (we're talking, tostadas, enchiladas, salsa, patitza, sopapilla, etc), I chickened out...

So anyway, Thursday rolls around and I had been trying to get Jen to go to the movies with me all week...every single time she was just like, ugh, we'll just go tomorrow and we'd do something with her niece and nephews...I wouldn't push the issues because I wanted her to spend time with her family, that was the whole reason we were in Colorado to begin with.  I called my mom that morning and she was like, "so did you ask her yet" I laughed and was like, hmph, yeah, haven't had her to myself yet, so no, but I'll call you..."  Mind you, I took my scissors to do hair as a way to bribe people into liking me while I'm out there, just in case, lol... On my vacation I did, a bang trim, foiled in highlights, a blowdry and style, an eyebrow and eyelash tint, two male hair cuts (a faux hawk like mine and one like the new zack efron) and a bank trim), plus a few straightenings and a hairstyles, lol... by thursday I proclaimed NO MORE... cuz I did them all for free, which I didn't mind because I do the same type of crap for my family...it's just how the life of a cosmetologist goes, lol. But I digress...

So we went to see Limitless, which I felt was fitting for my plan because as lame as it may sound to the normal person I feel that Jen and my relationship is just that, Limitless...

We got a drink to share and a bucket of popcorn.  My plan was to drop the ring (which i had strategically placed in a miniature plastic baggy down into the popcorn while we were eating it, have her find it freak out and keep it moving.  Well in reality, neither of us really eat much popcorn so I pulled the ring out of my pocket nonchalantly... had it balled up in the palm of my hand, used said hand to eat a couple of pieces of popcorn and using my peripherals, waited until I knew she was really into the last trailer and laid the baggy down on top of the popcorn... it took a few minutes to realize it was there... and then she switched into general manager of a movie theatre mode.  I could see the wheels turning.  She would later tell me she thought that  a piece of the popper fell into the popcorn while the girl was scooping it and the girl was going to get into trouble, but no popper pieces are that round... blah blah blah, she said, "what is this..." I said, You know what that is.... Her wheels were still turning...

After what felt like forever I leaned and and asked her if she'd spend the rest of her life with me, to which she chuckled, because it then dawned on her and she smiled and she said yes... I pulled the ring out of the bag and put it on her finger.  As the movie started she said, I don't even want to see a movie now.

I told her to sit her ass back and enjoy the movie because it took me flying five states away to get her to come see a movie with me, we were going to watch this freaking movie lol.

You see Jen manages a movie theatre and works on the most common date nights... I have off the most common date nights and normally shes not in the mood to see a move in a theatre, especially hers where we can see them for free when she does want to see them and moves are expensive otherwise so its a vicious cycle... so i watch lil man on the weekends while she works and if I see a movie it's generally animated...

The reason I wanted to do the whole movie proposal is because the first time I really met her, met her was in her theatre... she had super long hair then and she was soo nervous but still managed to be power tripping which I love about her when I go to her job, lol...

I dunno... it's hard to explain, but she said yes, her family, though not super emotional folks are happy about it and for us... she's happy about it and I'M FREAKING ECSTATIC. lol. I told my sister who like like YAY, my brother was like, woohoo, my mom was like AWESOME, my dad was like WORD... etc... it was just good vibes all around... we havent made plans and aren't rushing that aspect of things...hell we don't even live in a state where its legal.  DC is the closest place for all of that...

So anyway, like I said, I survived and she said yes...now if I can just get over this jet lag we'll be okay.

a day off

I took the day off today. I didn't accomplish a whole lot, but put lil man on the bus and went back to bed. Went to the gym and got my picture taken for my ID and worked out with my sister who went as my guest. I like that gym...it's a Planet Fitness, so it's a "Judgement Free Zone" that's a load of crap in itself, but I still went in and worked out and didn't die, so that's a plus. 

I skipped my weight watchers meeting tonight because I need all my 12 dollars I have for my upcoming trip, lol. (Which is how I'm justifying the nine I spent for mine and lil man's trip to McDonalds for dinner because I wanted to let Pepper take a car ride and I was too lazy to cook after my afternoon nap)

The washer was fixed this afternoon... a whole bunch of random crap was sucked up the drain which is why it wouldnt drain, a quarter, a stylus for a nintendo ds, some bobby pin like apparatus... who knows what else he found stuck up in there... unfortunately when pulling it all out, he ripped the drain thing so we have a smal leak, but we can at least use the washer until the part comes in.  We also have our two screens on order. I sent the email last night becuase 2 our 3 screens are bent like someone tried to break in at some point (before we moved in because it's been like for a while, but was never an issue because the weather wasn't nice enough to open the windows and since we moved in July we had the a/c running--haha...since Jen is from CO... she moved out here and let's just say the humidity puts her over the edge and normally I cant talk her into have the windows open, but the weather/humidity havent been bad yet, just the pollen has...

I took Pepper for her evening walk which she oh so enjoys and it helps her sleep... speaking of pepper, her feet smell like popcorn.

im out.

horrors of a high maintenance hoo-ha

so I'm not afraid to overshare when it comes to my hoo-ha and quite frankly I feel the need to overshare right now.

You see, I've decided to name my vagina Helga.  Yes, Helga of all things. Helga, I picture her being part German, having a unabrow, being the decendant of vikings somewhere in her bloodline... and granted i'm sure this is painting no pretty picture of my vagina and well quite frankly I don't care what type of friggin mental image you have of my hoo ha since the only image that matters is my real life view (and feel) and Jen's take on the matter and she has not complaints... but I digress, I'm sure there's a point coming somewhere along the way here... I think helga would be the type to bully people on the playground and steal lunch money too...but I don't know that thats either here nor there....

I've had a long history of frequent yeast infections. Okay stop. Side note. Not like the icky immediate mental picture that may have popped in your head with the whole cottage cheese thing happening... hell it's barely even an itch... I'm an exception to the rule... but I will tell you, I refuse, REFUSE to eat Ricotta cheese on the grounds of my lifestyle and what the fuck it looks like... I also don't eat cottage cheese, but that's a texture thing and i just don't like how it feels in my mouth, may also be subconsciously related, i dunno.

So anyway, back to my five star bakery vagina... So anyway, the crotch doc always tests for diabetes because of the frequency of these infections and always NOTHING... no explanation.  Well a little over a month ago I went to the crotch doc for the worst situation I've ever faced in my entire life. I thought for sure I was going to die from vaginal death.  My hoo-ha was irritated and HATED me. and felt like I had take a box cutter to it and just sliced it up. I couldnt touch it. It hurt to wipe, it hurt to pee, and if jen even thought of trying to get me in the mood I threatened to kill her.  It hurt to wash it and I forgot one night and sprayed it with the spray nozzle we have in the shower and it brought tears to my eyes and my knees buckled and I thought for sure i'd pass out in the shower... took my breath away even.

I thought for sure the doc was going to tell me that something was seriously wrong with me... I was thinking karma was coming to get me for sure... I was preparing for the worst.  She gets down there and takes a look at it and saw the irritation and verified the usual culprit...yeast.  (yeah, i know, who the hell blogs about this shit... hey you know what I DO... SO WHATEVER).... Mind you, I had just been treated for one less than three months earlier.... her focus was less on the inside and more on the outside and she was like omg, you've got sores....

SORES!!! Okay, she apologized, sores is a bad word to use, not sores, like herpes sores (she chuckled...) really lady...not funny, but like TINY LITTLE PAPER CUTS .... tiny little paper cuts on my hoo-ha... no fucking wonder it hurts for air to hit it....

It turns out that i have very fair skin down there and that soap just doesn't agree with it. Soap is washing away all the good bacteria, apparently a very common thing for a lot of women... So from this point the conversation went like this....:

Dr: You have very fair skin, i'll prescribe you a pill for the yeast and a cream to help with the irritation to get things back under control, you'll feel 300 percent better by sunday (this was on a friday)

me: awesome

dr: and stop using soap

Me: Okay, what do i use instead of soap

dr: nothing, just water

Me: laughing, no really, what do i use instead of soap (expecting ashton kutcher to come jumping out from behind the poster of the female reproductive system at any moment)--she couldn't be fucking serious

dr: You don't wash your eye balls do you, you don't wash the inside of your nose do you?

me: no, they arent MY VAGINA...

dr: chuckles... wash the rest of your body, the soap will run through and over it, it will work out, trust me

me: do you ever have dinner parties?

dr: occassionally, why?

me: would you serve your guests off of dirty plates?

dr: no, why?

me: did I mention I'm a lesbian?

dr: laughs... you'll be fine, trust me, it will work out

me: I'll try it but I'm just picturing a clambake, I'm guessing sleeping with no undies is still a good idea

Dr; yes and when you get out of the shower when you blow dry your hair, blow dry that hair too

Me: (I had nothing clever to say here, considering if you see how short my hair is, it's fucking obvious, i'm not blowdrying shit...)... not to mention who the fuck has time to blow dry pubes... i'd shave the bitches completley off, but i'm just not into that... i like some hair... not like wooly mammoth thick, but not like kindergarten either....

Anyway...you see where this is headed.... I tried not using soap on my hoo-ha for like three days... and just felt gamey... I couldnt do it... except now... a month later I'm in a similar predicament... with an irriated hooha so I'ma have to find a compromise, I'm looking for suggestions. Nonsoap, but something suggestions. I need to feel like my vagina is clean I WORK IN A DAMN WAREHOUSE FOR THE LOVE OF GOD AND SWEAT ALL DAY I'm not just trying to splash water on her and call it a day you know...but soap pisses her off...

HELP. HELP. HELGA NEEDS HELP.

random thoughts

i need to pluck my chin hairs, or at least shave the bitches cuz I'm LAZY.

jen landed safely in Vegas about 630 pm my time... so she'll be back on Friday.... then we pack up and fly out on Saturday to Fly out to Colorado to see her family, which she hasn't seen in over 2 years... whom I've met once when we first started dating :) This will be the first time in long time that her parents will have all her their kids together so it's kind of a big deal.

we were planning a trip down to El Paso, Tx... she has friends there from a previous life, lol... thats where lil man's from... and where she used to work... but due to the price of gas to drive from CO to TX...it's going to depend on whether or not she wins some money while in Vegas for her work thing or not. (Crossing my fingers...cuz I'd like to be able to see that part of her life...but if not this trip, then I'll get this chance eventually)...

I took lil man with me to work after getting him off the work today.... he got to "play with the forklift", by play I mean sit on with the key not in it... he wanted to drive it and I wouldn't let him... he didn't understand why you had to have a license or anything having to do with OSHA... he just wanted to know what the beach had to do with it, lol.

I love, repeat LOVE Froot Loops with Marsh Mallows.

I'm exhausted and need a hot bath. My eyes are itchy as hell from the pollen out here... everyone's cars are coated in yellow.

i'm happy overall, I just gotta get my eating in check. i havent been counting points with weight watchers and i'm skipping tomorrows meeting because i just refuse to spend 12 bucks i dont have for a gain... I mean hell, there's a whole lot of adjustments going on right now in my world.  I just wish it was as easy as flipping a switch like switch on and I was addicted to eating healthy and working out. how do people do it.  I've got 100 pounds to lose (not over night obviously) but I just can't wrap my head around how people just change their whole lifestyle like it's nothing... ya' know... it's crazy.

Me and Jen (most recent)

Pepper sleeping on the couch, yes that's black duct tape on the couch... that's how we roll, lol.

Jen and Pepper....

Jen and my niece Charley, now over 18 months old

I think that's it for now.

speechless?

It's funny to me really.  The transition. I feel almost at a loss for words...but really I just don't have anything to say and to be honest I feel there is a difference.

You see, I've been trying to get my mind right. For my sake  and the sanity of those that love and care for me, I began this process well over a month ago... this process for me means medication.  Lol. I've mentioned it before and I while I try to segregate specific discussions to my other blog... I feel this is relevant.  The transition I am referring to is that of becoming "balanced."

You see the me that most everyone knows, is NOT medicated.  And 75 percent of the time I can keep myself in check, only falling off the wagon and doing dumb shit a small portion of the time and doing REALLY dumb shit that I can justify in my head at any given moment an even smaller portion of the time... On a scale of 1 to 10 I spend most of my time in a 5-6 range, my story telling and fun self ventures as high up to an 8 without getting out of hand while my sad self gets down to a 3 before I feel like hurting myself....

The point of this whole numbers game is now that I'm "balanced or at least in the process... I'm getting nothing but weird feed back from EVERYONE.  I feel like such an outsider. I feel alienated from everyone which in part has made it so difficult to stay on medication in the first place. The only fucking fun part of being bipolar is that it makes you more animated when it comes time to tell a story you know...

When you no longer jump from a 3 to a 7 to a 5 to a 6 to a 4 to a so on... and you consistently stay at a 5 to a 5.5... everyone spends there time asking you shit like, "what's wrong?", "what's on your mind?" "You don't have much to say..." etc etc etc... "Why are you being so short with me?" Um, I didn't say anything, how am I being short with you...

Am I at a loss for words or do I just have nothing to say? Doesn't mean I'm not engaged and certainly doesn't make me unhappy....

This is just a process... a transition... it doesnt happen overnight and it's gonna take some getting used to.  Hell lets face it... I've never really stuck with this whole medication thing... I've gotta stick with it sometime and since I've got a second chance with the woman I love the only way I know i'm gonna NOT fuck it up is to definitely stay medicated, avoid super manic modes which lead to me doing really impulsive out of the ordinary shit that i would typically SO TOTALLY NOT FUCKING NORMALLY TYPICALLY DO.

A story about a woman

I want to tell a story.  A story about a wonderful woman.  Her name is Jen and well she hasn't been mentioned as much as she used to be in my blogs for several reasons. The most obviously being that we aren't actually together.

Let me tell you about Jen. Jen and I dated for over two years before we broke up (my doing), I had intended on asking her to spend the rest of her life with me on our second anniversary...had it mapped out in my head how I would do it and what not... but to keep it simply--things got complicated.  We grew apart, had expectations of the other that neither of us could fulfill and what not.  I broke Jen's heart and was sure that Jen would eventually get to the point that she would want nothing whatsoever to do with me.

Well it turns out that Jen is the exception to every person I have ever dated in my entire life.  You see Jen forgave me despite how brutally I ripped her heart out. Jen never stopped loving me, even when I stopped loving myself.  We don't live together right now, and we both agree that it's for the best... you see she has things she needs to work on for herself and I have plenty of my own demons to harness... but we are both confident that once we fix ourselves as individuals, we have a chance to have an even more intense relationship that we did the first go round.

When I told Jen in shame that I was seeing a therapist and eventually shared with her about seeing a psychiatrist to get my bipolar disorder under control, she did research to try and help, and to be there for me. 

We always had incredible sex, but over the last few months, with all the walls coming down and a "nothing to lose attitude" I've seen a dirtier, kinkier side to her which is incredible in my opinion and I've opened up a great deal more myself... but this blog isn't to focus on our sex life....

It is for me to share with you details about a woman who I can once again say is phenomenal.  I say once again, because for a while I lost sight of why she was/is important to me. For a while I got lost in the darkness that is my "low" I didn't even see many of the red flags that i normally do until it was entirely too late.  I can't blame it all on being bipolar... I have to blame it on not communicating with my partner... among other issues.

But back to the point.  The most recent example of why I love this woman and hope to eventually spend the rest of my life with is because she had arranged with a friend of the family to drive 12 hours through the night to be with me at my grandpa's funeral tomorrow.  She was going to go to the funeral, turn around grab a bite to eat and then drive another 12 hours through the night in order to make it to work and get the family friend back to his wife who is in the hospital.

Unfortunately, the family friend (Santa, whose hair I do) has to have another procedure or blood transfusioin early am thursday so he won't be able to carpool with Jen.  I cried this morning as I made Jen promise she wouldn't make the trip on her own. You see the anxiety of her coming with lack of sleep was already killing me...but the thought of her doing it ALONE and on unfamiliar roads...well I'm already dealing with my grandpa and uncle dying this week, I can't handle losing her too....I just don't have it in me.

The intention she had was great however and what a wonderful gesture... I think the gesture is enough.  That and knowing that when I get home at the end of this week that I can pack a bag, go to her apartment, wait for her to get off of work and then lay in her arms and cry my ass off if necessary.  I love her.

Jen--I'm sorry for everything I've done, you didn't deserve any of it.

the hardest part

The hardest part of dealing with the death of my grandfather has been discovered recently...the people.  Yes the gobs of family members coming in from out of state and stopping by my grandmothers house before going to their hotel....

At my grandmothers house on a normal day there is me, my sister, brother, mom, dad, aunt, uncle, grandma, 3 cousins, and my uncles ex wife, oh and my sister in law and three dogs. A LOT OF FOLKS. Then more people come, they are loud, they drink whiskey, get louder, and I retreat. I just want to hide. I want to go home and pretend like none of this whole death thing even happened. 

I woke up this morning and just wanted to cry, for no apparent reason... probably pms, who knows.  Something else that has been bothering me is my mom. Granted my mom lost her dad where I lost my grandfather so I have to imagine it's harder for her on a totally different level.  But it's hard not having her be there for me. I can't be selfish because this is a time that I need to be there for her...but I still feel justified in my feelings being hurt.

You see earlier today I was trying to tell her a story and started to get upset. When I get upset I pause in my story telling to get my mind right and avoid crying and then proceed today...she just got agitated with this as if i was wasting her time and she didnt care anyway... she's been doing this alot lately... I just feel out of sorts with her and I cant help but be sensitive right now.

She got upset and retreated to the back bedroom. I went and gave her a hug and she told me that she was happy she had just seen him a couple of months prior to his passing and how she didn't expect to lose him so quickly.... for her it comes and goes in waves and it breaks my heart to see her cry.  At the same time I'm trying to not cry because I don't want to bother anyone else with my feelings. I guess for now, I'll just blog. I'll make it through the funeral tomorrow, go home on Thursday, and then turn around and potentially drive down to NC to attend my uncles funeral. It's becoming more and more real everyday...that I do not like.

On this day

I'm sure I'll blog more another day, but I just wanted to share that today my grandfather passed away.  He was seventy years old.  Before today I never knew he had been awarded a Bronze Star... thought that was pretty cool.

Also today, My Uncle Gene passed away.  The two departed within a half hour of each other.

A lot to take in and process... I know that they are both in a better place, but still I'm selfish and would have much rather kept them here.

For now, I need sleep.  The 12 hour drive to get here wore me out.

Mixed Emotions

This has been an interesting week so far and it's only Tuesday. I'm going recap in chronocological order, not because any one event is more important the next, but because I'm so scatterbrained right now I'd never get it all out otherwise.

Monday was an excellent day--and for a Monday, well in my world, that is completely freaking unheard of. I got to work, was actually working when my bossed called my cell phone and said he needed to see me upstairs in the office. I made a wise crack about, ugh...what'd i do this time...but went anyway.

Turns out I'm getting a raise--SWEET. My evaluation isn't complete yet, but they know I did at least mediocre and since the increase is effective 1/1/11... they only want to have to back pay so much... so this week when I get paid, I'll have a lil extra cash....NO COMPLAINTS FROM ME....

Monday afternoon brought some less than awesome news with my Grandfather going into the hospital for what they thought was a heart attack.  This morning my mom and aunt left for Kentucky to be with him (their dad) and to be there for my grandmother.  The update at that point was that he had had a good night, but was fighting the tubes so he was sedated and still critical, and yes it had been a heart attack, plus he has pneumonia.

This evening I went to my weight watchers meeting. I had joined a week ago with my sister and tonight was my first weigh in to see if I had lost anything.  My sister stuck with the plan to a T an even worked out some... I however did baby steps and cut out fast food this week and my favorite of all things PEPSI... I made better decisions overall, but didn't track my points nearly as well as I should have.  Moment of truth, my sister gets on the scale (I held Charley, since mom was out of town, we had no babysitter)... she was down 12.8 pounds IN ONE WEEK. Freaking spectacular.... I was super proud (she's a lil more motivated than me in the sense that she vowed she wasn't having sex again until she lost 50 pounds, she's now 20 pounds into her goal... and fiending..funny the things that motivate folks. I thought of considering the same approach but decided that was dumb considering I just don't have enough hours in the day to constitute the number of times I'd have to rub one out in addition to what I already do...

I got on the scale and .... lost 5.6 pounds this week. For me, THAT'S AMAZING. I'm rather proud... I'm thinking of starting a weightloss blog so that I can blog about all this boring shit there and not force everyone who reads my blog to read stuff like that... I dunno.  The weight watcher meeting ran long so there was no celebration portion...normally you get recognized for such things as, 5 lbs, 10 lbs, 5 pecent or 10 percent of your body weight lost... BUT NOOOOOOO!!!! Not this week... I was bummed... I'ma have to buy my sister a sticker because I think she did a phenomenal job.

On the way out of the meeting my sister called my mom because she knew that we'd get a celebration from her and she'd say YAYYYYYYYY!!!! for us and boost our egos... however when I saw my sister's eyes watering up I knew that that wasn't going to be the case.

It turns out that my grandfather's heart isn't strong enough to pump and fight the pnuemonia... and since he needs the oxygen to breathe...it's really the machines keeping him alive. The lung specialist is due in the morning at which point my mom will be able to call me and give me an update and let me know what's up... and if I'm going to be making a trip to KY.  This of course makes me very very sad.

It also brings me to another issue that i"m having that I have created another blog for, but have not posted to yet... You see I'm bipolar. I've denied it for years and even played it off as a hormone imbalance or just being a Gemini...but not the case. I just hate feeling crazy.  I'm not crazy, just CHEMICALLY IMBALANCED, not my fucking fault, doesn't make me any less of a wonderful freaking person you know.  But i digress.

In 2004, my other Grandfather passed away... I had been in a similar state of mind where I am now prior to this happening and was crushed when he died.  (breif story, I'm a rapid cycling bipolar person which means my moods change frequently... but every 2 to 3 years I hit a point where I get extremely depressed and since I never stay on medication, this becomes extremely difficult to deal with... I'll go into detail later on on my other blog, but for now, just trying to have this all make sense.)....

Well I had an appointment to see a psychiatrist yesterday but the doctor was sick, so she rescheduled. The point of the visit was to get back on medication and stop fucking up my life royally, (i.e. my relationship, potentially my job, my everything in general.... I do this self sabotage thing whenever something is going really well in my life, a whole other blog in itself)... Something came up at work last week and I tried to reschedule the appointment and the next available appointment wasn't until March 17...NO GOOD.   So anyway, I guess that since the doc was sick, they were more willing to get me in in a timely fashion so my appointment was bumped up to Wednesday (tomorrow)...

By this point I'm sure you are wondering why the fuck this is even relevant.... Well I found myself riding in the passenger seat headed home from weight watchers when I just started crying. My sister had just stopped crying from the news of our grandpa, and she asked me if I was alright... I cried/laughed and said, "you know, it's fucked up, but all I can think is THANK GOD I DIDN'T RESCHEDULE MY DR APPT TO THE 17TH OF MARCH... I WOULDN'T HAVE FUCKING MADE IT" I mean hell, it was a month after my grandpa died that I voluntarily committed myself for a couple of days to the nut house because after a talk with my therapist at the time she gave me the option of doing it on my own or her doing it and then i wouldn't have a say as to when the hell I was getting out.  (at the time I was suicidal and my meds weren't working)...

She chuckled and then reminded me about how I had put chapstick on my grandpa because he lips were really chapped, softlips brand to be specific, and then he died. It was an on going joke for awhile after I broke down and said, "my softlips killed grandpa" because while it was a coincidence, it was two minutes after that that he took his last breath.  It was a lot to deal with considering how depressed I had been in the days leading up to this.

I guess it's selfish to a point.... but at the same time, I know who uncontrollable this whole bipolar thing is...it's ridiculous really. I'm not nearly as depressed as I have been in the past, and I'm not suicidal, but I have just spent the past few months making myself ill somehow... because all the shit I've had done and tests run by doctors the best they can come up with is acid reflux...well when i got the news about grandpa tonight that same sharp pain I had been getting came back after being gone for weeks... Oh yeah, ANXIETY... I forgot we used to be friends....

THe moral of the story is that I'm dealing with a lot right now, not to say that I'm the only one with issues by any means... I just need to vent. I'm going to my psychiatrist appt tomorrow and going to take the next step in getting back on meds and controlling this beast called bipolar and actually sticking to the regimen... i'm working with my therapist to actually follow through with this and stya on the meds.... I found out I was bipolar when I was about 19 or 20... here I am about to be 30, which hello i sthe new 20 and it's like I'm all the way back at the beginning...I gotta get it together.

I checked my facebook tonight and got confirmation that my uncle Gene is also on his last leg.  My uncle Gene is my Aunt Tom's husband.  I was named after my Aunt Tom(my), Aunt Tom Being my great aunt and my grandpa who is in the hospital right now's sister.... Hospice is saying he's got 2 to 3 days to live.  I can't go to NC to be with him and I havent seen him in over 3 years, despite loving them very much something always came up... I never made time.... If i have to choose, I have to pick KY to do the grandpa thing....

i have a lot on my mind in addition to all of that. I'm trying to paint because I had this awesome idea in my head but it's not working out real well do to my lack of focus and over perfection self... I can't get it to look the way I see it in my head. I've been spending some time with Jen and I remember more and more everyday that I love her. I regret fucking things up the way I did, but can't undo the past.  She mentioned the other day that the reason she had had such a rough valentine's day was because she had planeed in october to ask me to spend the rest of my life with her on Valentines day which broke my heart (though I know that wasn't her intention, she ewas just venting and I was just listening...)  That's also when I said, it wouldn't have mattered because I had planned since August to ask her in November (which passed and started to be the point where I started fucking shit up royally)...

I can't be lame and blame everything that went down on being bipolar, but anyone who really knows me will vouch for shit like this.... to a point.  Jen has been doing a lot of research on thewhole thing and she even admitted that a lot of shit makes sense now.  (about me in general, not necessarily a specific event)... When I first started dating Jen I was medicated, but I felt so good when I was around her I didn't feel like I needed it...I fell hard and I fell fast for her... she lit up my world and made me smile non stop like I just taken some serious bong hits or something...permagrin all the time...I quit the meds... I even rmember telling her what to expect when I quit them cold turkey which is what I always did... and she supported me because it's what I wanted (nowadays though I think if I were to tell her I was going to quit my meds she'd put her foot down and probably threaten my life if I did...)  I hate how the meds make me gain weight.... make it impossible to orgasm, etc etc etc.

When I go to my appointment tomorrow trust and believe I will be telling the doctor that if I'm going to stay on some fucking medication I've gotta be able to cum and I don't want to get any fatter... I'm going to say it just like that. I don't sugar coat the shit AT ALL.

Mental health hay day

First of all let me just say my uncle rocks.  You see my uncle, the one I go get tattooed with all the time has a fancy schmancy mechanical engineering job that requires him to travel frequently.  Well this week it brought him close to my mom's house... this trip led him to the Hilton Hotel about 15 miles from my mom's house. He finished his job early SOOOO he gave me his room for the last night he was supposed to have it.

So yes folks, picture it. Me, a super fabulous bed, tv..., wireless internet, and peace and quiet.  Alone with my thoughts or the lack there of :)

Awesomeness.

Can I get a hell yeah to a free mental health holiday. 

I heart Hilton Garden Inn....